Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 1, Episode 7 - The Sniffles - full transcript

Sometimes parents get stuck at work

They wanna pick you up
But their boss is a jerk

And that's when a kid
And day care worker must wait

Because parents are late

By now I usually hear
your father's van

But it's not like I
have any big plans

It's been forever since
I was out with a man

Well, I mean, like out out,
like, you know, somewhere nice.

I've had booty calls, so...

And I'm doing okay, but...

I'm just ready for something more,
you know?



And I don't know how long
I'm gonna have to wait.

And wait and wait and wait and wait
When parents are late

Well, that's all the words that I have
for that song.

Sorry! I knew I was late.
I didn't realize I was trombone-solo late.

Here we go, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- What's that?
- It's our new computer.

A lady I clean for caught her son
shaving his privates

on something called Chatroulette.

Anyway, he got shipped
off to military school

and we got a new computer.

Hey, hey, hey. Slow down there, Jimmy.

Do you even know
what the hell you're doing?

Of course he knows what he's doing, Burt!
It's a computer, not a condom.



Hilarious, Mom. And relax, Dad.
Nothing's gonna happen.

I'm telling you, that machine brings
all the bad stuff right into your house!

If you're a repulsive shopper,
you buy stuff on there,

if you're a sex addict,
there's plenty of that on there.

Yeah, we get it.
There's eBay and porn and gambling.

There's gambling on there?

If I... See?

I can't even be in the same room
as that thing!

Hey, ask it if they ever found that city
David Copperfield made disappear.

What kind of gambling? 'Cause I think
a little bit wouldn't be a problem for me.

Can you imagine what
it's like to be an ant?

It's like you and 10 of your buddies
pick up a potato chip,

bring it back to your ant family
so everyone can eat,

and it takes you like three hours
to get from over there to over there.

And just when you think
you got it all figured out,

some jerk comes along and...

Ants.

- Here's your half of the cookie.
- Oh, cool.

Thanks for the show, boys.

Oh, God.

Look who it is.

Burt! Jimmy!

- Thumb.
- Thumb.

I thought
you were putting me out of business.

How long ago was that, Burt?

20 years.

Your daddy ever tell you
what he said to me the day he quit?

"Take this job and shave it."

"Shove it."
I said, "Take this job and shove it."

He said, "Shave it."

I meant "shove it."

You know, the city parks contract
is up for grabs again.

I noticed you don't even put
in a bid anymore.

I don't need any city contracts.

I don't need the hassle.

My son and I, we got a good thing
going with our two-man crew.

Yeah, having a big crew sucks.

Gotta go!

It's Hope's day care.

- Hello?
Hey, Jimmy...

What? You're kidding.

There's some sort of green fluid
coming out of her nose.

It could be mucus, but we don't know.

It's just a cold.

Yes, she'd be a new patient.

I don't know, hold on a second.
What type of insurance do we have?

- We don't have that.
No.

Uh... Yes, hello? Uh...

I don't have insurance,
so is that gonna be a problem?

Hello? Um, hello?

Insurance! Sure, I'll just have the butler
go get it out of the hot air balloon.

I can't believe it.
I've called every doctor in town,

and no one'll see me without insurance,

which they tell me most people get
from their boss.

- What are you guys doing?
- Quarantining Maw Maw.

She's 84 years old, and if she catches
Hope's cold, it could kill her.

And that means dealing with that creepy
funeral director. No, thank you.

How are we supposed to pass the food
through that?

I figured we could just
pour it through this.

Well, when you get done with that,

maybe you can tell me why
you don't have insurance

for your only employee.

I can't afford it.
Besides, it's unnecessary.

We're not cars, Jimmy.
The human body heals itself.

Look, Jimmy, it's natural to get worried
when your baby's sick, but it's normal.

You get sick, you get better,
you get sick, you get better,

you get sick, you die. That's life.

We can't do nothing.
What did you guys do when I got sick?

- You did nothing?
- No!

Obviously, when you were really bad,
we called the doctor.

Now, the shampoo will kill them,

but it may take a couple of tries.

Come on, give me the phone.

Shh, I'm on next.

I think I'm going to barf.

Next up, we have a call
from a young mother named Virginia.

Virginia, welcome to The Dr.
Tim Show.

I'm Dr. Tim.

Hi, Dr. Tim! Okay, so, my baby has...

Baba-booey! Baba-booey!

- I could've died.
- Stop being so dramatic.

You're lucky we didn't pump you
full of antibiotics.

Hey, you're like that expensive meat
they sell at those fancy stores

where everybody has B.O.
and they make you bring your own bags.

No. You just did the least amount of work
possible and got lucky.

But I'm not just gonna wait around
and see what happens.

I'm taking Hope to that free clinic
I found in the computer.

Fine, but I'm going with you
so I can laugh in your face

when the doctor tells you I was right.

Good. That way, when the doctor says
Hope has some horrible disease,

I can laugh in your face.

But I won't because I'll be very sad.

Okay.

A doctor can see Hope next Tuesday
at 11:00 a.m.

But that's practically a week from now.

Look, we are a free clinic,
and we are doing the best we can.

Shoot, we only got one thermometer.

But she could be better by next Tuesday.

Probably.
From the looks of these symptoms,

I'm guessing it's just a cold.

Thank you!

Hey.

I wanna buy cough medicine,
but all that's there are these cards.

- Do I give this to you?
- Sure do.

What's happening? Did I win something?

Yep. A starring role in my favorite show.

Apparently, cough syrup
is the main ingredient used by meth labs,

so we can't just sell it to anybody.

Frederick, Frederick, guard the door.

Dilated pupils.

What's your name, tweaker?
You have some ID?

- Tell him I'm not a meth-head.
- I've never met this guy.

Come on.

Shifty eyes. Check.

Pasty skin. Check.

Poor hygiene. Check.

Bad teeth. Check.

I know I should brush better,
but I'm not a tweaker.

We'll see what the database says.

Great.
Now I can't get medicine for my daughter.

Oh, come on. You can't give that to Hope.
Look, it says right here,

"Not for children under the age of two.
Please consult a doctor."

I've tried to consult a doctor, but I
couldn't, because I don't have insurance.

You should work here.

Everybody gets insurance,
even the part-timers.

Wow. Nice owners.

Well, you're not on our list,

so I can't legally prevent you
from buying this.

- But I want you to look into your heart...
- I don't want it anymore.

I knew it!

That's five this week, people!
I've turned five this week!

Barney Hughes, selling groceries,
saving lives.

No, I cannot pour faster, Maw Maw.
You'll get a brain freeze.

She loves her smoothies,
but she just can't pace herself.

I think I've figured out
how to get insurance for Hope.

Why? Her cold's practically gone.

Well, yeah, but that doesn't mean
she's never gonna get another one.

Or something worse. She needs insurance.

No! I'm counting to 10 before I pour more.
Deal with it!

What's your plan?

They need a bagger at the grocery store.

You can't do that, Jimmy. You work for me.

I'm still gonna work for you in the daytime.
This is at night...

And what are you doing with my daughter?

I'm getting her up where the good steam is.

Some of us know how to treat a cold,
which is all that is.

It's coming!

You can't work at that store, Jimmy.

You'll be low man on the totem pole,

just like I was
when I worked for Green Thumb.

You ever seen a totem pole?

You got like six people and an eagle
standing on your head.

That's no way to live, man.

Listen, if you really think you need
insurance, I'll figure something out.

How? I thought you said
you can't afford it.

Don't worry. Here, take her.

Your dad knows how to take care of things
when he needs to.

I'm gonna steal that contract away
from Green Thumb.

They're not gonna give you this job.

Green Thumb's crew shows up in clean,
matching jumpsuits.

Half the people in this town have seen you
mow lawns in your pajama bottoms.

Have a little faith in your father, Jimmy.
You'll see.

All I have to do is write up a bid.

In fact, I can probably just update
the last proposal I worked on.

Virginia!

Have you seen my proposal?
It's in a green notebook.

I left it right here 15 years ago.

Times New Roman. No.

Courier. No.

Lucida Grande, maybe?

Hoo! Franklin Gothic Medium,
that's the ticket.

It's a business proposal.

I don't think you're supposed to use
a different font for every letter.

I'm just making it fun for them to read.

Besides, the proposal's just a formicality.

The way Thumb gets these jobs
is wining and dining the councilman.

That's the three D's: Dinner, drinks,
triple-D cups at a boobie bar.

I gotta take this bag boy job.

All right, he's typing a proposal
with like a million different fonts on it.

It looks like a ransom note.

Dinner's almost ready, Maw Maw.
It's your favorite.

Chicken colada.

Mom, you're not listening to me.
If I wait any longer,

someone else is gonna take
this bagging job.

You wanna break your dad's heart?

'Cause that's what you'll be doing
if you take that job.

You're basically saying
you don't have any faith in him.

But I'm somebody's dad now, too,

and it's my job to do whatever I have to do
to take care of her.

Fine. Do what you gotta do.
But don't let your dad find out.

Hopefully, he'll get that contract,

and you can quit
before he ever has to know.

Good news. I found my old proposal.

It had a Jerry Maguire theme.
Check it out.

Mow Me The Money.

Good, huh?

Hey, if I had seen Jerry Maguire,
would "Mow Me The Money" be funny?

Nope.

Go get that job.

Well, your pal here passed the urine test.

Oh.

Meth, weed, X, crank, hillbilly heroin,
all negative.

He watched me pee.

Sabrina here will show you the ropes.

We've got one rule around here. Excellence.

Anything less is unacceptable.
Anything more is unrealistic.

Just excellence.

He watched me pee.

Yeah. He made Sally from Produce
watch me pee.

Neither of us wanted to be there.

It was kind of a bummer.

Here's what you need to know.

Behind the banana bin
is the only spot in the store

the security cameras can't see
that gets cell phone reception.

Yes. I'm calling about the used
cheerleading uniform you have for sale.

That's the clock. Never look at the clock.
The clock is your enemy.

Working-at-a-grocery-store time
moves at about one third the speed

of not-working-at-a-grocery-store time.

Are you kidding me right now?

It was 5:45, like 45 minutes ago.

How can it still not be 6:00?

How could it still not be 6:00?

Is there anything I should know about
the actual doing of the job?

Take groceries. Put them in a bag.

Got it.

Hey, peanut chew. Did I wake you?

Just working out 'cause Dad thinks
I'm going to the gym at night.

Plus, it wouldn't hurt to fill out my apron
a little better.

Now that I'm working at the grocery store,

I may as well look good for Sabrina
while I'm getting us insurance.

Two more weeks and you and me
can get as sick as we want.

Maybe even sooner if Dad scores
that big city job.

He's been fixing himself up
for his big night out

with the councilman,

and your grandmom 's been making him
a cool outfit.

If Grandpa succeeds, I can quit the store.

But either way, you'll get insurance soon,

and be able to see a real doctor.

All I have to do
is keep the job secret from Grandpa.

But that's cool. He never buys food
anywhere except the gas station.

What the hell? He never buys food
anywhere except the gas station.

Top of the evening to you.

Hey, Burt. Whoa.
That shirt is off the hook.

Thanks. Big night tonight.

Entertaining business clients.
So, got a little tickle.

I think I caught my granddaughter's cold,
so...

James! James! Guard the door!

James? Where the hell is James Chance?

James Chance!

Hey, Dad.

Wow. So you just went ahead and...

- Oh, man.
- Dad, let me explain.

No, no, no. You don't need to explain.

You didn't think
I could take care of business.

Is this a meth business?

- You don't believe in me.
- I do, but...

Fine. If you believe in me,
then you don't need this job.

So go ahead and quit.

Right now.

I'm gonna get this contract,
whether you believe in me or not.

I've never seen him so hurt.

I mean, that look on his face.
He was devastated.

- What are we gonna do?
- We?

Well, you lied to him, too.

I'm gonna tell him I didn't know.

I'll tell him that's not true.

And who's he gonna believe?
His wife or his son

that we've already established is a liar?

Well?

How did it go?

Oh!

- I got it.
- That's great!

Oh, my God... That's fantastic!

Yeah. Took Councilman Blake out.
Showed him a good time.

It's called wining and dining.

Although, technically, it was beer-ing
and fried cheese stick-ing.

Dad,

I'm so sorry I lied to you
and I'm sorry I doubted you.

Apology not accepted.

Uh...

Okay.

When do we take over the parks?

I start doing the parks tomorrow, not you.

I don't need to be spending my days
with someone who doesn't believe in me.

Now that we've got all this extra work,
we'll split it up.

You do residential, and I do the parks.

Oh.

And you can quit your stupid bagger job
tomorrow night.

My son isn't gonna be the low man
on anyone's totem pole but mine.

That is so great, honey.
I always knew you could do it.

This area isn't done yet?

Get on the umbrella.
Let this idiot show you how it's done.

You want cold soup?
Ring that damn bell one more time,

and I'm bringing you cold soup!

That's what I thought.

- Is he here?
- No.

He waited around, but then he had to
go to work at the grocery store.

So I guess you didn't really win
that parks contract last night.

I thought I had it all figured out.

I'm glad I let you talk me into this, Burt.

When you mentioned bikini bars,

I thought, "Hey, I can't let my voters
see me in one of those."

- That's why I picked one three towns over.
- Ah.

- I'm a thinker and a mower.
- Mmm.

- I think you'll be mowing parks real soon.
- Oh.

Wait till you see the girl
I picked out for you.

I asked around and everyone said she's
the craziest and the wildest one here.

They call her the Dirty Angel.

Who's ready for a...

- Daddy?
- Punkin?

It was a long, quiet ride home.

Pretty much the only thing he said was,

"Chance, you don't get the parks contract."

So it went to Green Thumb.

I figured if I could secretly work for him,

I could make enough
to buy Jimmy insurance.

Burt.

Working two jobs,
being the low man on the totem pole.

Taking crap from a jerk boss.

You're past all that.

But the kid needs insurance.

I'm his dad. It's my job to do
whatever I have to do to take care of him.

And you did.

By showing him his whole life
how to be a good dad.

Now it's his turn to take care of things.
You gotta let him do it.

- I don't like it.
- You don't have to.

But that's the way it is.

Besides, it's not like
you don't have a new job to do.

Somebody's gotta start showing Jimmy
how to be a good grandpa.

Cold soup it is!

I don't care if it's three towns over
or three states.

Do not dance in one of those clubs.

But if you do,
don't be the one they call Dirty Angel.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Listen, Dad, I'm really sorry about...
- Nope.

I was wrong. You did the right thing,
and I'm proud of you.

Oh, thanks.

And I got you something.

Uh. Oh.

Did you eat your half without me?

Nope.
Mashed my half up and gave it to Hope.

She can't have that much sugar.
She's gonna be...

Up all night. I know.

But that is not a grandpa problem.

Good night.

Hang in there, Maw Maw.

Hope's cold should be better in a few days.

Get your mother!

Get your mother! Get your mother!

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