Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 1, Episode 5 - Happy Halloween - full transcript

Here we go, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh

Grandpa,
did you bring me any more candy?

Mom.

Oh, God.

Burt! Maw Maw got into the candy.

Hang on, I'm in the middle of something.

Mommy, are we going trick-or-treating?

- Maybe.
- Ooh.

But first go out on the porch.

It's your turn to look out
for Japanese planes.

Sorry, I was chasing down a fly. I got it.



You were supposed to be watching
Maw Maw.

You know when she eats too much sugar,
she gets all worked up

and thinks she's nine years old again.

I like nine-year-old Maw Maw.
We play jacks.

Hey, Jimmy, come here.

Look what I got.

- Let's scare Hope with it.
- What?

Why would we do that?

- It's her first Halloween.
- She's seven months old.

She gets scared when somebody sneezes.

I'm not gonna try and scare her
with a little skull.

Come on, let me scare
her just a little bit.

No, geez, you're worse than that man
with the scary mask

who lives around the block.



I wonder if he's gonna be out this year.

I hate Halloween.

It started when I was three,

and I had a really great costume
as MC Lil'J.

Then my Halloween was ruined
by some jerk

that lives in our neighborhood.

And I ended up spending most of the night
clutching onto my father, terrified.

Even as I got bigger,
that guy would still freak me out.

You taking Hope trick-or-treating tonight?

Uh, no, I think Hope's a little young
to be trick-or-treating and yeah,

I'm not really a big Halloween guy.

Burt, you gotta tell him.

Shh. Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.

It's about the scary man in the mask.

What about the scary man in the mask?
Did you find out who it is?

Because we can call the cops.

- Burt...
- Fine.

There is no man in the mask.

- Is it a ghost?
- No, it's not a ghost.

So adorable.

What the hell is wrong with you?
Why would you torture me like that?

The hugs.

- I did it for the hugs!
- What?

When you hugged your mother,
you always gave her these great,

tight, squeezy hugs.

When you'd hug me, it was weak.

It was like getting whacked in the neck
with a couple pieces of spaghetti.

It's true. You used to give him
some really crappy hugs.

He deserved better.

What do you say?
Could I just scare her just a little bit?

- No!
- Come on.

I want her to start hugging me.

You stay away from my daughter.

You're forbidden
to be around my daughter on Halloween.

You're a monster.

Seriously,
there's something wrong with you.

I like to be loved, Jimmy.
It's called being a human being.

Attention, shoppers
, just a friendly reminder.

There are no bikes
allowed in the store.

Thank you. Happy Halloween.

Jimmy.

Fine, no, it's fine.

No, it's fine.

I said it's fine, Wyatt.

I don't know how to say "It's fine"
any nicer than that.

Bye.

Oh.

- Hey.
- Hey, what's up?

Ah.

We're out of candy. Maw Maw ate it all.
She's on a sugar bender.

She even ate a candle that smells
like a chocolate chip cookie, so...

Are you okay?

I'm fine. It's stupid.

It's just one of the deli guys
is having a Halloween party tonight,

and Wyatt was supposed to come
into town for it and now he's not.

- You don't think he's cheating, do you?
- What?

- No.
- Oh.

No, it's just...
It's not that big of a deal.

It's just, Halloween's like one
of my favorite holidays,

and we're supposed to be going
as Batman and Robin,

and now I'm just Robin.

I'm gonna look like an idiot.

Whatever, this isn't your problem.
Thanks for letting me vent.

- Wait. - Just another
friendly reminder that

we appreciate your business, but
we can't allow bicycles in the store.

Happy Halloween.

Uh, you know,

I was hitting a few parties myself tonight.

In fact, I happen to have a Batman costume
from last year,

so if you wanted me to put it on
and stop by the deli guy's party,

I could maybe stand near you
so you don't look stupid.

Well, if you don't mind,
I would love to have a Batman.

I don't mind at all.

Okay, I'm calling
the cops about the bike!

Happy Halloween.

I need you to make me a Batman costume,
and I need you to watch Hope tonight.

- I'm going to a party.
- Can't do it.

- Which one?
- Neither.

I promised nine-year-old Maw Maw
I'd take her trick-or-treating.

You can make your own Batman costume,

but I used most of the black fabric turning
an old dress into a kitty cat costume.

Meow.

I'm ready to go, Mommy.

- Meow.
- Dear Lord, she's got it on backwards.

All right, sweetheart, come with me.

She looks like a transvestite ninja.

Hey, can you watch Hope tonight?

Me, the monster?

You want the monster
to watch your daughter?

Not really, no, but I don't have a choice,
so...

I'm sorry, I've been forbidden
by her father to be near her on Halloween.

Besides, I got plans. I'm going egging.

Yeah, you're quite a grandfather.

I'm not cleaning this up!

Are you sure you want to leave her
with us?

'Cause you could just, say,
drop her at the fire station.

What, so I can go to a party?

I'm not gonna give my daughter away
just so I can go to a party.

You don't have to leave her there for good.

You just have to act like you are.
You get six hours to change your mind.

My father left me there when I was seven
after I called him the "C" word.

Five and a half hours later,
he came back for me.

What kind of person would do that
just to teach you a lesson?

I'll give you a hint.
It begins with the letter "C."

You ready to go home yet, sweetheart?
Mommy's feet are getting tired.

Not till my bucket's full.

Ahhh.

Where you going, dude? Come on!

Damn, you were fast
when you were a little girl.

Maw Maw, no!

- Hey.
- Hey.

Oh, drink this.

Okay.

I decided I'm gonna have fun tonight.

I can see that. Good.

I'm a big fan of fun.

We don't need stupid Wyatt
to have a good time, right?

We certainly do not.
We do not need stupid Wyatt.

- Who's watching Hope?
- A couple of good friends.

Oh.

She's in good hands. Yeah.

What are you doing?

I got that food out for the baby.

This is baby food?

What a waste. This is delicioso.
It's like meat pudding.

Great, Javier. You ate all the baby food.
What are we gonna feed the baby?

Give her some chips.

We can't give her those chips.
They're hot pepper flavored.

- There.
- I don't even know if she has teeth.

What if she chokes on it?

Chew it up and spit it into her mouth,
baby bird style.

- That's gross.
- It's not gross. Birds do it.

Besides, I already licked it.

What difference does it make
if you chew it up?

Hello.

- How's it going?
- Great.

- We're feeding the baby. How's the party?
- Oh, great.

She's really mad at her boyfriend.

I think she's looking to get back at him.

That's fantastic.

All right, well, I was
just checking in.

If she wakes up in the night
and she seems hungry,

there's more food in the pantry.

Okay, if we run out of
food, we'll look there.

The pantry.

And when she goes to bed,
make sure she has her favorite...

I gotta go.

I won't go, I won't stay

Till you give me a taste

I wanna feel like that

So I shake and you sweat

And we'll dance, no, let's sing

Oh, no, no, no, no

I wanna feel like that

So tell me do you like that

I don't think I like that

Well, maybe we should stop this

I wish we never started

Oh, maybe we should go,
I wanna feel okay

I got a problem and
it drains my soul

Don't tell, nobody knows

I used to feel all right

Wyatt?

Wyatt?

- What are you doing here?
- Surprise. I got you.

You didn't think I was really gonna
stand you up on Halloween, did you?

Yes.

Oh, my God, I can't believe you're here!
Tonight's gonna be awesome!

You guys have fun, okay? I'm gonna...

Hey. You're with us tonight.

What do you think,
I'm gonna ditch my friend

just 'cause my boyfriend shows up?

- No, I mean, it's okay...
- Come on, man, let's party.

Okay, we're almost full.
This one should do it.

And it's feet soaking
and Jolly Rancher martini time for Mommy.

- Hi.
- Trick or treat!

- Where's your kid?
- She's the kid.

Trick or treat!

No candy for people over 14.

This is trick-or-treating, not panhandling.

Trust me,
I understand where you're coming from,

but I just wanna go home.

If you could maybe just give her
some raisins or maybe an apple

or something nasty one of your kids got,
you just re-candy.

Trick or treat!

Mommy, can we do a trick?

You bet your batty nine-year-old ass
we can.

Sabrina? I think I'm gonna take off.

- Hey, what's going on?
- Nothing.

I'm just staring at her.

That's all. I'm not sniffing her feet,
if that's what you're asking.

Was not doing that.

What...

Oh, man, she's passed out, huh?

Yeah, I think so.

Wyatt, come on, let's go!

Yeah, a bunch of guys
I went to high school with

want me to go to another party.
Would you mind keeping an eye on her?

Wait. Are you asking me to stay here
with your passed-out girlfriend?

Hey, bat dudes?
How about you both go to the party,

and I'll keep an eye on her?

Look, I'm asking you to stay here
with a passed-out friend.

Sabrina said you guys have been
hanging out a lot lately,

which I'm totally cool with, by the way.

I appreciate you keeping her out of trouble
while I'm at school.

Okay. Yeah. No problem.

You're a good guy, Jerry.

It's Jimmy.

Come on, Maw Maw, throw it high,

just like you're welcoming
Charles Lindbergh home.

What's going on?

Mommy and I are doing a trick.

The bitch who lives here
wouldn't give us any candy.

You're not really gonna hassle us

for pulling a prank on Halloween, are you?

I might,
seeing as the pranksters are both adults,

this is my house,
and I'm married to the bitch.

Oh.

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Hey, hey, get back here!

All right, Maw Maw, let's straighten out
that caddywhompus throw of yours.

We're gonna be wiping our butts
with takeout bags for the next week,

so let's make this count!

Oh.

Dude, I'm telling you for the last time,
okay? I got this.

Oh, no. Don't take me in here.
I hate haunted houses.

It's my house. It's not haunted.

My dad says it was built
on an Indian burial ground,

but now I think he just said that
so I'd hug him.

Come here.

Whoa.

That was amazing.

- Yeah?
- Where'd you learn to kiss like that?

You better not be cheating on me, Wyatt.

Dude, Javier got a booty
call, and if you remember,

I didn't want to do this in the first place.
It's cool, though.

I took Hope to the fire station.

You've got until 6:00 a.m.
to go get her back.

What's going on?

I'm gonna lose Hope.

What do you mean,
you're gonna lose Hope? Where is she?

She's at the fire station.

Those idiots dropped her off there

and must've thought
I would've been home sooner.

And I've got five minutes to get her back.
Where are my keys?

You can't drive. You've been drinking.

You're right. You drive.

Jimmy, I've been egging houses
with 12 year olds all night.

You think there's any possible way
I'm sober?

- Come on, hurry up!
- I can't! I have a flat!

Don't worry. I'll get her.
Daddy's gonna make everything okay.

- You got her!
- Yeah.

Showed 'em my ID,
told them I was the grandpa.

I got there just in time.

Yeah, that's the stuff.

So, how was the party?

- I kissed her.
- Get out of here!

Yeah, only she was really drunk,

and she thought she was kissing
her boyfriend, but apparently,

I'm a better kisser than him, so,
that's good.

You're welcome.
You got that from your dad.

I'm an excellent tongue kisser.

Gross.

That's weird.

- What?
- There's drool on the sheet,

but it's still wet.

If she was at the fire station
for the last six hours,

how is it still wet?

Maybe the roof is leaking.

It's not raining, and the ceiling is dry.

Maybe she spit up an ice cube?

What did you do?

Okay.

What's up?

We're baby-watching the baby.

Get out of here.

I sang her to sleep with a medley
of slow Beatles songs.

Marcus did the whistling part of Blackbird.
It was beautiful.

- So Jimmy's not home yet?
- No.

Oh, this is gonna be good.

He's coming. He's coming!
He's coming! He's coming!

No. No, don't take me in here.
I hate haunted houses.

Hey, what's going on?

Don't worry. I'll get her.
Daddy's gonna make everything okay.

Yeah, that's the stuff.

- You're a monster!
- I'm sorry,

but when you turned 13,
you barely hugged me anymore.

Then that damn high five came along.

I had to do whatever I could
to feel your chest against mine.

Get out!

Fine. Be mad,
but you can't take back that hug.

That was a great hug.

It's all right.

Hey, it's just thunder.

Okay, come on up.

Wow. Somebody's holding on tight.

A hug is a powerful thing.

It makes you feel wanted, needed
and loved, all at the same time,

and when your kid hugs you,

well, I can see how
you get addicted.

Maybe my dad's not a monster.

I met a girl on Halloween

Well, she was lost and I was drunk

And it was dark and
cold out when we left

And as we walked, the rain started

The leaves softened with every step

And all around us people slept

alone with their dreams

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