Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 1, Episode 4 - Say Cheese - full transcript

- Hey.
- Oh, hey.

Can't believe you have Shrinky Dinks.

I used to love to make these.

You draw on the plastic,

then you put it in the oven
until it shrinks into a little...

I don't know what you call it.
A dink, I guess.

Yeah, I used to love those things
when I was a kid.

Oh, man, it says, "Ages three and up."

I don't know if I can wait
two and a half years to play with these.

So do 'em yourself. It'll be fun.

I'll do 'em with you.



She's coming over, she's coming over.

We're Shrinky Dinking.
We're Shrinky Dinking!

- What the heck are you talking about?
- Sabrina.

We had this amazing conversation
about Shrinky Dinks,

and the whole time I'm thinking,
"I've met my soul mate."

- Did you get any chicken?
- Wait.

She's coming over here?
What about her boyfriend?

Wyatt? I don't know.
He's away at college, still.

I don't really know what this means.
I just know she's coming over.

- What's going on with Maw Maw?
- She thinks she's in labor.

Oh, my God!

This baby's gonna rip a hole
right through me!

Guys! I'm trying to beat the record here.

If you're gonna talk loud,
turn your faces away.



The wind is really messing me up.

Oh, my baby!

Okay, you guys have to get out of here.
I don't want you to scare her away.

I'm not going anywhere, I like her.

She's sarcastic and funny.

She speaks her mind.

Doesn't she remind you of me?

No. Don't ever say that again.
You'll ruin it for me.

And if you don't want this to be
the last time she ever comes over,

you have to get rid of them.

You need to step way back.
This thing takes some weird bounces.

Fine.

Come on, did you really think
I was gonna stand here

and let you break my record?

Thank you.

And I'll take Hope, too,

but you need to take advantage of this
and make a move on this girl.

Try and get her to sit next to you
in the center of the couch, where it dips.

Ever since your fat aunt broke the springs,

two people can't sit there
without ending up in each ether's laps.

Good idea. Give her some wine,
get her in the couch dip and kiss her.

She has a boyfriend. I don't know if...

Jimmy, if you don't make a move soon,
you're gonna get stuck in the friend zone.

And that is a real thing.

I saw it on Friends.

Ross and Rachel were stuck in it.

It made for some good episodes,
but poor Ross was in hell.

Here we go, oh, oh, oh

Daddy-o, oh, oh, oh

Birth control, no, no, no

Let it roll, oh, oh, oh

Oh, oh

Here we go, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh

It says these are supposed
to cook for three minutes,

but this oven only goes up to 225,
so we may be in for a bit of a wait.

That's okay.

Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it.

Who plays the piano?

Pretty much anybody who's trying
to get on someone else's nerves.

Is this you?

Oh, you don't want to look through that.

That's just a bunch of boring
family portraits.

Come on, I love family photos.

Wow, you are, like, shockingly strong.

How come your mom's the only one
that looks happy in all these?

Yeah, well, that's a little misleading.

Nobody's happy.

My parents would fight so much
on picture day

that it always turned into
the worst day of the year.

Just shut up and put on your beret!

No, I don't wanna look like a dork
wearing this!

If you don't wanna look like a dork,
then you need to take off your face.

Say "cheese."

And the more portraits
that turned out bad,

the more stressed
my mother seemed to get.

If we get there late, they won't have time

to change the backdrop
from the family before us!

You're killing me, Burt!

Your mother's crazy.

If I ever get that crazy,
I want you to take me out in the backyard

and blow my head off with a shotgun.

You got that?

I just don't understand
why we're wearing ski suits.

We've never been skiing.

I saw a picture in a house I was cleaning
where the whole family went skiing.

They were all smiling,
they were on top of a mountain.

Looked like a lot of fun.

Of course it looked like a lot of fun,
they were skiing.

They weren't sitting in a car
with no air-conditioning

on a 90-degree day wearing ski suits!

Shut up.

Oh, I like this song.

I'm not in the mood for Do-Wacka-Do.

Well, I am.

Burt, I swear to God,
if you don't turn that thing off...

- Burt, slow down.
- Can't.

My boot's stuck.

What do you mean your boot's stuck?

I mean, this stupid, giant boot
you made me wear is stuck.

Can't get it out!

We're all gonna die!

You've had a good life, kid.

I could drive if you'd let me
take off these stupid boots!

Shut up! It's two blocks! Keep walking!

All right, that's enough of that.

You gotta be tired
from being on your feet all day.

We should sit down.

Sorry, sorry,

Hope threw her pacifier
in that coin fountain at the mall.

Burt made a wish on it,
so he wouldn't let us take it back out.

Hi!

- How are you?
- I'm good.

- Did you do your Shrinky things?
- Yep,

and we were just about to sit down.

Jimmy was just telling me about
some of your family portraits.

Really?

I hope he didn't say anything
to make me look too crazy.

Eh.

Doesn't Hope need her pacifier?

She can suck on Burt's knuckle for a while.

Come here, honey.
I wanna tell you about a couple of these.

I wanna make sure you see
the kind of idiots I'm dealing with

before you think I'm the crazy one.

Whoa! This is some couch.

Sure is.

What are you doing coming in there
and using the dip before I get a chance?

You're totally couch-blocking me.

Jimmy, you could end up marrying this girl.

I am not gonna let you paint me out
to be the crazy mother-in-law.

You already made me
a stinking grandmother at 39.

Jimmy, are you missing
a clump of hair in this photo?

Yes, he is. He ate it.

Excuse me?

Someone stressed me out so much

that I started pulling out my hair
and eating it as a nervous twitch.

You look awful!

Why didn't you just shave your head?

Oh, God, no!

He's got a birthmark on his head
that looks like a big old...

Florida. Shaped like Florida.

Florida with balls.

Hey, how come your husband's
not in this one?

Oh, that's the year Burt went crazy.

Jimmy! You better be getting dressed!

Burt, don't you stretch
out that turtleneck.

It's too tight! I can't swallow.

My mouth keeps filling up with spit.

- I want soup.
- You're eating soup.

Jimmy!

I'm here. I'm ready. I'm sorry.

Oh, no, not the hair pulling.

We are not having another family portrait

where you look like
you've just had brain surgery.

It's your fault for stressing him out.

Just calm down. Just calm the hell down!

I'm trying!

Just calm down!

Everybody check each other's teeth.

I don't wanna see any of that
creamed spinach we had last night.

Stop it, Maw Maw. This is not food.

This tag is digging
into the back of my neck.

Do not pull that tag off.

These outfits cost a fortune.

And the second we're done here,

they're going right back
to Fashion Barn Outlet Outlet.

Damn it!

- Where's your eyebrow?
- I ate it. I'm sorry.

- I can't do this anymore.
- Excuse me?

I can't stand here
and watch you torture everyone like this.

Get back here.

I'll pull it.

You pull that tag off,

and we can't make our next
credit card payment.

That means a finance charge.

You know how I feel about finance charges.

Let me walk out of here,

and no one has to pay a finance charge.

Stay calm.

Fine! Go! We'll take it without you!

It'll probably be the first good one
we've ever had.

Son of a bitch!

See? It's not me. It's them.
They're the crazy ones.

Yeah, well, whoever's fault it is,
it's only once a year on portrait day.

Every other day, we're
just a normal family.

Sorry.

Maw Maw needs new pants.
Her water broke.

I feel its head!

Virginia, you're gonna need
to come back here. I don't...

I don't...
I don't think I can do this alone.

Your family's amazing.

You actually like this?

I love it! Oh, my God.

And your mother, she doesn't even realize
that she's the craziest one of them all.

This is great. I may never leave.

Why would you?

What kind of cookies are these?

Don't eat that. Those are Shrinky Dinks.

See? I made ones that look like all of us.

And that's Sabrina.

Well, don't worry.
I'll try to keep the loony bin back there.

Oh, don't worry about it.
In fact, bring Maw Maw out.

We can let Sabrina cut the imaginary cord.
Turns out she's a big fan.

Big fan of what?

How crazy we are, especially you.
So, thanks.

But I'm not crazy. I already told her that.

Oh, that's what she loves, that you
are, but you don't realize you are.

But I'm not.

- Well, you kind of are.
- I'm kind of not.

Okay, look, this is all great stuff.
Just save it for in there.

Oh, I'll save it for in there, all right.

She thinks I'm crazy?

Let's see how much crazy she can handle.

Virginia! Help! She's pushing!

Deal with it!

So, I hear you think I'm crazy.

Yes, I said you were a little crazy,
but in a good way.

You did tell her it was
in a good way, right?

He told me what you said.

Okay, maybe I should go
before we all end up on Dateline.

No, you can't go.

You haven't seen all
the family portraits yet.

She's seen plenty. Let's do something else.

Checkers? Got regular, Chinese,
the kind with the horses.

Here it is, the last picture.

You like crazy? You're gonna love this.

What's that?

The portrait place
is having a special on Sunday.

I thought we weren't doing
portraits anymore.

Why? Because your father lost his mind?

We have a new baby in the house,

and we are getting our family portrait,
with or without him.

Without.

Look, Jimmy, I waited too long to stand
up to her about this portrait thing.

Look at you.

Even the thought of it
turns you into a wreck.

Don't wait until Hope's eating her hair.
It's disgusting.

Be a better dad than me.

I'm going with a '50s theme this year.

You can slick your hair back.

Maybe that'll keep you
from eating it like a mental patient.

Hey, Mom?

Maybe we shouldn't do the picture?

What?

It's just... It kind of stresses you out,
which kind of stresses me out,

and, well, there's a reason

why we don't have a picture
with everyone smiling in it.

- You told him to do this.
- Yup.

The only reason I'm stressed out

is because I'm the one
who has to organize everything.

It's like wrangling feral cats.

I would be happy to sit back
and let somebody else guide the ship,

but it's been 24 years,

and no one else seems
to want to take the damn reins.

Fine. I'll do it.

- What?
- I'll take the reins of the cat ship.

If he's in charge, I'm back in.

Fine.

Hey, when you took over the portrait stuff,

you forgot to tell me
what our theme is gonna be.

We've only got three days,
so you might want to nail that down.

No theme this year.

We're all just gonna wear
whatever we're comfortable in.

Okeydoke.

Hey, I know you probably know this,

but we've only got
two days before the portrait,

and I noticed that you haven't
plucked Maw Maw's neck mole yet.

You have to do it early enough
so the redness goes away,

but late enough
so it doesn't start to grow back.

It's a pretty small window of opportunity.

Yeah, that always stresses everyone out,

with all the yelling
and the holding her down and all.

You're the only one
that ever really notices that hair,

so I think I'm just gonna let her go
au naturel this year.

Okeydoke.

Tomorrow's picture day.
You got a shower schedule?

We've only got 12 minutes of warm water.

Yeah. We're not gonna rush in the morning.

I didn't want everybody
freaking out over being late,

so I figured we'd just get over there
when we got over there.

You know we get
a dishwasher-safe portrait plate

if we get there before 8:00 a.m.

Yeah, I know,

but since it's kind of creepy seeing
the whole family staring at you

through a plate of spaghetti,
I figured it didn't matter.

Okeydoke.

Next.

You know I said there wasn't going to be
a theme, right?

I know.

You told us to dress in something
we were comfortable in.

This is comfortable.

Smile.

Thanks, Mom.

I know this is hard for you.

Next!

Oh, my God. Look at that mountain.

Okay,

how would you guys like to pose?

- Oh, my God.
- I think this looks good.

That's easy. Let's do this.

Here we go.

One.

Two.

Stop!

This is crazy.

- This picture is going to be terrible.
- Virginia.

Look at you people. There's no theme.

How is anybody supposed to know
we're a family?

We look like a bunch of idiots
who just met each other at a thrift store.

We're not even posing.

I mean, come on. Pick something.

Arm in arm.

Shoulder train.

Conga line.

Rappers. Anything.

Damn it, at the very least,

we should be all facing away
from the camera

and look over our shoulders.

Mom, settle down.

It's okay.

It is not okay, Jimmy! It is not okay!

Because the picture isn't perfect.

And if the picture isn't perfect,
there isn't any reason to take it.

Oh, for God's sake.

Am I the only one who sees
that giant tree branch of a hair

growing out of the side
of Maw Maw's neck?

Hey. You okay?

No.

Jimmy's paying.
Then we can get out of here.

I think that one picture the guy took
could be all right.

Not the worst one we've ever had.

Why does the picture have to be perfect?

'Cause everyone else's is.

- Who?
- Everyone.

Honey, you don't understand.

You clean people's pools,
you cut their grass.

You're outside.

I'm cleaning the inside.

And every house I clean
has these perfect family portraits.

Everyone's happy and smiling.

I just wanted one perfect portrait

so I could fool people into thinking

we have whatever
all those other families have.

But we don't.

- Every house has a good picture?
- Yes.

What other nice stuff they got in there?

You don't wanna know.

This one is dedicated
to Joey and the Woodlands.

I hear tell you're doin' well

Good thing have come to you

I wish I had your happiness

And you had a do-wacka-do

Wacka do, wacka-do, wacka-do

I wish I had your good luck charm

And you had a do-wacka

do-wacka, do-wacka
do-wacka, do-wacka-do

Yeah, you're going down the street
in your big Cadillac

You got girls in the front
You got girls in the back

Yeah, way in the back
got money in a sack

Both hands on the wheel
and your shoulders right back

Root, doo, doo, doo
doo, doo, doo

I hear tell you're doing well

Good things have come to you

I wish I had your happiness

And you had a do-wacka

Do-wacka, do-wacka
do-wacka, do-wacka-do

Do-wacka, do-wacka...

How about that?

I like it.

Sure you do.

It's another crazy thing
to make fun of our family about.

You wanna go in the other room

and have a look at
my grandmother's inverted nipples?

How about our bank statement?
That's a hoot.

I think it's a great picture.

I mean, my family has all those portraits

that you were talking about,
and, you know, we're all smiling,

but somebody told us when to smile,
so those smiles are fake.

All these smiles are real.

You captured a moment
of actual family joy,

and that's kind of rare.

I think you finally got your picture.

I like her, Jimmy.

Smart, insightful.

I told you we had a lot in common.
You're staying for dinner.

We've having TV dinners!

If you're a vegetarian,

I'm pretty sure you can talk Burt
into trading you his vegetable section

for your Salisbury steak section.

She hit ignore.

- What?
- She hit ignore.

Her boyfriend just called,
and she hit ignore.

What does that mean?
My phone doesn't have an ignore.

When I ignore someone, I just ignore them.

I don't know. I don't have ignore, either.

But this is good, right?

- Go kiss her.
- What?

Go kiss her. Now. It's time.
I'm telling you.

You need to do it before it's too late. Go!

Two pounds, three ounces.

The mother is resting comfortably.

Thanks for having me over.
This was really fun.

I gotta admit, I was a little nervous

about you learning
so much about my family.

- I thought it might scare you off.
- Oh, no way.

No, just the opposite.

However, if you meet a girl
that you want to date,

you know, like, not just a friend,

you might wanna hold off

on showing her the family photo album
for a couple months.

- Yeah, that might be a good idea.
- Yeah.

Waited too long, just like Ross.

She's...

Maybe I did wait too long.

But I did learn one thing today.
Sabrina likes me.

Right now it might just be as a friend,
but who knows?

She was enjoying hanging out
with me enough

to ignore a call from her boyfriend.

Maybe one day she'll be willing
to ignore him altogether.

Yep, I thought that was a little too easy.

All right.

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