Queer as Folk (2000–2005): Season 5, Episode 2 - Episode #5.2 - full transcript

It all seems to be coming together.
No glitches that I can foresee.

It all seems to be coming together.
No glitches that I can foresee.

Everything looks good.

Everything looks good.

The lease has been signed,

The lease has been signed,

liquor licence has been transferred
into the name of Kinnetic Corp.

liquor licence has been transferred
into the name of Kinnetic Corp.

You've got enough insurance

You've got enough insurance

that if someone so much as sneezes
you're protected.



that if someone so much as sneezes
you're protected.

In short, the joint's all yours.

In short, the joint's all yours.

Theodore, you are a marvel.

Theodore, you are a marvel.

Although when I said,
"Go buy yourself a new toy,"

Although when I said,
"Go buy yourself a new toy,"

this isn't exactly
the toy I had in mind.

this isn't exactly
the toy I had in mind.

It says on the box, "Appropriate
for boys ages 19 to 30,"

It says on the box, "Appropriate
for boys ages 19 to 30,"

so stop fretting, Mother -
I can afford it.

so stop fretting, Mother -
I can afford it.

Are you sure we can afford it?



Are you sure we can afford it?

We did the math a dozen times.

We did the math a dozen times.

Even without the movie
we each have enough income.

Even without the movie
we each have enough income.

Plus the money we've saved.

Plus the money we've saved.

I just need some reassurance.

I just need some reassurance.

Mmm.

Mmm.

How's that?

How's that?

I'm already thinking colour scheme.
Mmm.

I'm already thinking colour scheme.
Mmm.

All the back room needs
is a fresh coat of black paint

All the back room needs
is a fresh coat of black paint

and a condom dispenser.

and a condom dispenser.

What about pink walls
with a sky-blue ceiling

What about pink walls
with a sky-blue ceiling

and white fluffy clouds
for the baby's room?

and white fluffy clouds
for the baby's room?

TED: It's amazing how
with a few simple touches

TED: It's amazing how
with a few simple touches

you can turn a tired old room into
a fresh and inviting space.

you can turn a tired old room into
a fresh and inviting space.

Or we could wallpaper.

Or we could wallpaper.

Remember how Monte and Ely
had their kids' room

Remember how Monte and Ely
had their kids' room

wallpapered with Disney characters?

wallpapered with Disney characters?

And get a cleaning crew in here

And get a cleaning crew in here

to jackhammer the dried come
off the floor.

to jackhammer the dried come
off the floor.

Half of it's probably yours.

Half of it's probably yours.

With all this space, at least we
won't be on top of each other.

With all this space, at least we
won't be on top of each other.

Unless we choose to be.

Unless we choose to be.

BRIAN: I want to reopen by Friday.

BRIAN: I want to reopen by Friday.

Friday? This Friday?!

Friday? This Friday?!

But that's impossible!

But that's impossible!

You said every day that we're closed
we're losing money.

You said every day that we're closed
we're losing money.

Yeah, but we still need to line up

Yeah, but we still need to line up

bartenders, go-go boys,
a new manager!

bartenders, go-go boys,
a new manager!

Well, you'd better line them up.
But...!

Well, you'd better line them up.
But...!

There's so much to do.

There's so much to do.

They say it took 500 years
to complete Notre Dame.

They say it took 500 years
to complete Notre Dame.

Is that supposed to be encouraging?

Is that supposed to be encouraging?

We're making a home together.

We're making a home together.

Who cares how long it takes?

Who cares how long it takes?

Well, if there's a problem we'll
just change the tablecloths.

Well, if there's a problem we'll
just change the tablecloths.

And the napkins.

And the napkins.

And the flowers.

And the flowers.

And the menu.

And the menu.

Let me know if you want
to change the groom.

Let me know if you want
to change the groom.

(Laughs) OK.

(Laughs) OK.

What was that?
(Sighs)

What was that?
(Sighs)

The wedding of Alien and Predator.

The wedding of Alien and Predator.

The groom's the producer for
the Channel Five six o'clock news.

The groom's the producer for
the Channel Five six o'clock news.

We're gonna be big news if I survive.

We're gonna be big news if I survive.

The bride is a twice-divorced
drama queen, panzer division,

The bride is a twice-divorced
drama queen, panzer division,

who's convinced there's
gonna be a disaster.

who's convinced there's
gonna be a disaster.

And believe me, if she
doesn't get off my ass -

And believe me, if she
doesn't get off my ass -

which are words you rarely
hear me say - there may be.

which are words you rarely
hear me say - there may be.

Well, it can't be any worse than Mel
and Lindsay's anniversary surprise.

Well, it can't be any worse than Mel
and Lindsay's anniversary surprise.

No shit.

No shit.

Now, honey, you can't let yourself
get all worked up.

Now, honey, you can't let yourself
get all worked up.

DEBBIE: Keep your fucking pants on!

DEBBIE: Keep your fucking pants on!

I'll take your order
as soon as I can.

I'll take your order
as soon as I can.

Of course I realise that
may be genetically impossible.

Of course I realise that
may be genetically impossible.

OK, boys - bacon cheeseburger
for Michael, pot pie for Em,

OK, boys - bacon cheeseburger
for Michael, pot pie for Em,

and a BLT for Teddy,

and a BLT for Teddy,

hold the bacon, lettuce,
bread, mayo and fries.

hold the bacon, lettuce,
bread, mayo and fries.

Trying to keep yourself in shape
for your new boyfriend?

Trying to keep yourself in shape
for your new boyfriend?

He's adorable.
Yeah. He's history.

He's adorable.
Yeah. He's history.

He jacks off to photos
of Ted Kennedy.

He jacks off to photos
of Ted Kennedy.

He actually thought Marlon Brando
needed to gain a few pounds.

He actually thought Marlon Brando
needed to gain a few pounds.

That's why he was in love with me.
Fat and old turn him on.

That's why he was in love with me.
Fat and old turn him on.

Teddy, you're not fat!

Teddy, you're not fat!

Well, not hugely, grossly.

Well, not hugely, grossly.

And you're certainly not old.

And you're certainly not old.

MAN: Excuse me, sir.

MAN: Excuse me, sir.

Sir!

Sir!

Babylon reopens Friday night.

Babylon reopens Friday night.

Here you go, guys.

Here you go, guys.

He called me 'sir'.

He called me 'sir'.

He spoke loudly so I could hear.

He spoke loudly so I could hear.

I thought Babylon went belly up.

I thought Babylon went belly up.

You mean you didn't know?
Tell him, Teddy.

You mean you didn't know?
Tell him, Teddy.

I resuscitated it.

I resuscitated it.

I put my mouth on it and blew.

I put my mouth on it and blew.

So that's how you spent
your disposable income?

So that's how you spent
your disposable income?

(Sighs) You should have
bought a house.

(Sighs) You should have
bought a house.

Some of us queers prefer
dancing and fucking

Some of us queers prefer
dancing and fucking

to kiddies and picket fences.

to kiddies and picket fences.

Word on the street is that Poppers
is the new hot spot.

Word on the street is that Poppers
is the new hot spot.

Friday night, Poppers goes back to
being the pisshole it always was.

Friday night, Poppers goes back to
being the pisshole it always was.

MAN: Babylon reopens Friday night.
Check it out.

MAN: Babylon reopens Friday night.
Check it out.

Here you go, guys. Check it out.

Here you go, guys. Check it out.

Check it out.

Check it out.

Hi, J.R. Your daddy loves you.

Hi, J.R. Your daddy loves you.

There's this new place in the mall.

There's this new place in the mall.

You design the bears yourself
and pick out their outfits,

You design the bears yourself
and pick out their outfits,

record their voices.

record their voices.

It's adorable.
Precious.

It's adorable.
Precious.

You'll have to forgive Melanie.
She's been up all night with J.R.

You'll have to forgive Melanie.
She's been up all night with J.R.

(Groans) She has colic. Cried
for four hours straight.

(Groans) She has colic. Cried
for four hours straight.

Look, I wanted to apologise for
getting so heated the other night.

Look, I wanted to apologise for
getting so heated the other night.

It was a shock, that's all.
I wasn't expecting...

It was a shock, that's all.
I wasn't expecting...

We know. No-one was.

We know. No-one was.

Although, now that I remember,
every time I would stop by,

Although, now that I remember,
every time I would stop by,

one of you was always out
or at work or taking a nap.

one of you was always out
or at work or taking a nap.

Anyway, I'm sorry.

Anyway, I'm sorry.

You said that.

You said that.

I mean that after all this time
you couldn't work things out.

I mean that after all this time
you couldn't work things out.

That it had to come to this.
Thanks very much. We're sorry too.

That it had to come to this.
Thanks very much. We're sorry too.

Now, if you don't mind, can we
not discuss our marital problems?

Now, if you don't mind, can we
not discuss our marital problems?

The important thing is
we need to decide

The important thing is
we need to decide

how we'll take care of our child.

how we'll take care of our child.

'Our' child?

'Our' child?

How much time she'll spend with
you and with Linz, and Ben and me.

How much time she'll spend with
you and with Linz, and Ben and me.

We're buying a new house.

We're buying a new house.

I'll tell you how much time she's
gonna spend with you - none!

I'll tell you how much time she's
gonna spend with you - none!

Melanie, please, would you
lower your voice?

Melanie, please, would you
lower your voice?

I'm sure we can handle this
without screaming.

I'm sure we can handle this
without screaming.

Who's screaming? I'm making a point.
(Baby whimpers)

Who's screaming? I'm making a point.
(Baby whimpers)

Tell that to her.

Tell that to her.

We had an agreement that I'd be
a part of our daughter's life.

We had an agreement that I'd be
a part of our daughter's life.

Which at no time included physical
custody. That was never discussed.

Which at no time included physical
custody. That was never discussed.

Because when we made it you two
were together! A couple! A family!

Because when we made it you two
were together! A couple! A family!

Now all that's changed.
Now you're not.

Now all that's changed.
Now you're not.

Why? I'm still her mother.
So am I.

Why? I'm still her mother.
So am I.

And I'm her father.
No-one's denying that.

And I'm her father.
No-one's denying that.

She is! She's saying
I have no rights!

She is! She's saying
I have no rights!

No - I'm saying, you may be her
father, her biological father,

No - I'm saying, you may be her
father, her biological father,

but Lindsay and I
are still her parents.

but Lindsay and I
are still her parents.

That hasn't changed.

That hasn't changed.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

Now, if you'll excuse me,

my daughter needs to be fed.

my daughter needs to be fed.

Alright, upon arrival,

Alright, upon arrival,

the guests will be offered a glass
of Chateau Neuf du Pape 1991.

the guests will be offered a glass
of Chateau Neuf du Pape 1991.

WOMAN: Make that 1990.
1990.

WOMAN: Make that 1990.
1990.

While a string quartet plays a medley
of your favourite Elton John songs.

While a string quartet plays a medley
of your favourite Elton John songs.

I've decided to go with
'Eine Kleine Nachtmusik'.

I've decided to go with
'Eine Kleine Nachtmusik'.

Well, scratch 'Rocket Man'.

Well, scratch 'Rocket Man'.

Now, when the
'Wedding March' begins...

Now, when the
'Wedding March' begins...

We are keeping the 'Wedding March'?

We are keeping the 'Wedding March'?

Oh, of course.

Oh, of course.

..you'll enter from over there...

..you'll enter from over there...

Why not over here?

Why not over here?

You'll enter from over here,
holding a spray of lilies.

You'll enter from over here,
holding a spray of lilies.

I'm thinking now of white roses
and baby's breath.

I'm thinking now of white roses
and baby's breath.

Baby's breath. OK.

Baby's breath. OK.

You'll then proceed to the bower,
at which point...

You'll then proceed to the bower,
at which point...

What if it rains?

What if it rains?

I already asked Johnny. No rain.

I already asked Johnny. No rain.

Your weather man couldn't
predict a hurricane

Your weather man couldn't
predict a hurricane

if it was blowing down
Market Street.

if it was blowing down
Market Street.

I've gotta get back to the station.
I've got a remote from Iraq.

I've gotta get back to the station.
I've got a remote from Iraq.

Iraq? Screw Iraq!

Iraq? Screw Iraq!

We're having a wedding!

We're having a wedding!

Now, now. Don't you worry.

Now, now. Don't you worry.

I am gonna have
a little talk with God,

I am gonna have
a little talk with God,

and there is no way he's gonna
let anything rain on your parade.

and there is no way he's gonna
let anything rain on your parade.

(Laughs and gasps)

(Laughs and gasps)

The ladies' room!

The ladies' room!

We haven't decided the colour
of the toilet tissue.

We haven't decided the colour
of the toilet tissue.

Lavender. Um, no, mint.

Lavender. Um, no, mint.

Uh, no, buttercup!

Uh, no, buttercup!

I wish you could see Lila under
less stressful conditions.

I wish you could see Lila under
less stressful conditions.

She'd still drive you nuts,
but I love her.

She'd still drive you nuts,
but I love her.

Well, of course you do.
That's what this is all about.

Well, of course you do.
That's what this is all about.

You know, I gotta hand it to you.
I don't know how you do it.

You know, I gotta hand it to you.
I don't know how you do it.

Oh, one of the reasons
we queer guys are around.

Oh, one of the reasons
we queer guys are around.

To help you poor straight people
straighten up. (Laughs)

To help you poor straight people
straighten up. (Laughs)

Joseph, make sure you pack my
swimsuits and T-shirts, huh?

Joseph, make sure you pack my
swimsuits and T-shirts, huh?

It's summer in Australia.
Yes, sir.

It's summer in Australia.
Yes, sir.

Anyway, they fired him
three days into production.

Anyway, they fired him
three days into production.

First-time director, huge
production - he couldn't handle it.

First-time director, huge
production - he couldn't handle it.

Also, I hear he and Orlando Bloom
did not get along.

Also, I hear he and Orlando Bloom
did not get along.

Oh, Blair.
TELEPHONE: Yes, Brett?

Oh, Blair.
TELEPHONE: Yes, Brett?

I want that trainer at my hotel
every morning at 5:00am, huh?

I want that trainer at my hotel
every morning at 5:00am, huh?

Well, call the producer
and fucking demand it!

Well, call the producer
and fucking demand it!

You've got it, Brett.
How long will you be gone?

You've got it, Brett.
How long will you be gone?

Well, it's a 6-month shoot,
provided I can do post here -

Well, it's a 6-month shoot,
provided I can do post here -

you know, we're still negotiating.

you know, we're still negotiating.

Where the hell is my Ambien? Ah.

Where the hell is my Ambien? Ah.

On an 18-hour flight
it's the only way to fly.

On an 18-hour flight
it's the only way to fly.

Sure.

Sure.

Listen, I don't mean to
throw you out or anything,

Listen, I don't mean to
throw you out or anything,

but I figured while I was gone

but I figured while I was gone

it'd be a good time to do some work
on the house - you know, redecorate.

it'd be a good time to do some work
on the house - you know, redecorate.

Please feel free to stay
for a couple of days

Please feel free to stay
for a couple of days

until you line up something else.

until you line up something else.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Even though I'm on the
other side of the world,

Even though I'm on the
other side of the world,

I haven't lost my passion for 'Rage'.

I haven't lost my passion for 'Rage'.

My development people
are gonna shop it around.

My development people
are gonna shop it around.

The Gay Crusader is too powerful
to be defeated

The Gay Crusader is too powerful
to be defeated

by some asshole who can't see
beyond the box office.

by some asshole who can't see
beyond the box office.

Right?
Mm-hm.

Right?
Mm-hm.

Blair.
Yes, Brett?

Blair.
Yes, Brett?

I'm not happy with the time
we've arranged for the car...

I'm not happy with the time
we've arranged for the car...

I can't believe
the way she talked to me.

I can't believe
the way she talked to me.

You're the father!

You're the father!

But I'm not the parent - at least,
not as far as Melanie's concerned.

But I'm not the parent - at least,
not as far as Melanie's concerned.

Oh, that's bullshit. You're every bit
as much a parent as she is.

Oh, that's bullshit. You're every bit
as much a parent as she is.

You should have heard her. Screaming
so loud she woke up the baby.

You should have heard her. Screaming
so loud she woke up the baby.

With all their carrying on,

With all their carrying on,

I know we can provide a more stable
home life for J.R. than they can.

I know we can provide a more stable
home life for J.R. than they can.

Yeah, I'm sure you're right.

Yeah, I'm sure you're right.

But the one thing we
mustn't do is overreact.

But the one thing we
mustn't do is overreact.

We've gotta stay calm and rational.

We've gotta stay calm and rational.

Everybody keeps telling me that!

Everybody keeps telling me that!

Alright. I'll be calm...
and rational, but...

Alright. I'll be calm...
and rational, but...

There's no way I'm
giving up my kid.

There's no way I'm
giving up my kid.

Finish up with those lights.
We're about to open the doors!

Finish up with those lights.
We're about to open the doors!

Could you move those cartons
behind the bar?

Could you move those cartons
behind the bar?

Yes, sir.
And don't call me sir!

Yes, sir.
And don't call me sir!

MAN: OK, that looks good.
Break a leg, baby.

MAN: OK, that looks good.
Break a leg, baby.

Just hopefully not while
we're shaking our booties.

Just hopefully not while
we're shaking our booties.

Emmett, didn't think
I'd see you here.

Emmett, didn't think
I'd see you here.

Thought you'd be too busy
with your wedding plans.

Thought you'd be too busy
with your wedding plans.

I'm never too busy to sit
ringside on opening night.

I'm never too busy to sit
ringside on opening night.

Ready in two minutes.

Ready in two minutes.

And, um, who have we here?

And, um, who have we here?

Oh, uh, this is Alonzo.
This is Emmett.

Oh, uh, this is Alonzo.
This is Emmett.

Already picturing moonlit beach,
caressed by a Caribbean breeze

Already picturing moonlit beach,
caressed by a Caribbean breeze

while the palms sway gently
to a Latin guitar.

while the palms sway gently
to a Latin guitar.

We didn't have too many
palm trees in Trenton.

We didn't have too many
palm trees in Trenton.

Alonzo's the new club manager.

Alonzo's the new club manager.

And may I say, a vast improvement
over the former one.

And may I say, a vast improvement
over the former one.

I haven't had this much fun with
a toy since my erector set.

I haven't had this much fun with
a toy since my erector set.

My parents couldn't afford
an erector set,

My parents couldn't afford
an erector set,

so I decided to play with
the one God gave me.

so I decided to play with
the one God gave me.

(Laughs)
OK, boys, take your places.

(Laughs)
OK, boys, take your places.

Let's bring the lights down

Let's bring the lights down

and the strobes up.

and the strobes up.

And we're back in business.

And we're back in business.

Not quite.

Not quite.

TECHNO MUSIC STARTS

TECHNO MUSIC STARTS

It ain't Babylon without
that thumpa-thumpa.

It ain't Babylon without
that thumpa-thumpa.

OK, boys and boys. What time is it?

OK, boys and boys. What time is it?

ALL: It's showtime!

ALL: It's showtime!

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

Don't worry. It's still...it's early.

Don't worry. It's still...it's early.

Where is everybody?

Where is everybody?

It's shorts and shots night
at Poppers.

It's shorts and shots night
at Poppers.

All the hot guys are over there.

All the hot guys are over there.

I think I'll go, um, check it out.

I think I'll go, um, check it out.

LAIDBACK TECHNO MUSIC

LAIDBACK TECHNO MUSIC

Connor.
Hey.

Connor.
Hey.

Didn't think you were still in town.

Didn't think you were still in town.

This is Justin and so is this.

This is Justin and so is this.

Seems there's no shortage
of us in Hollywood.

Seems there's no shortage
of us in Hollywood.

Can you get me another one?

Can you get me another one?

He's cute.
If you like the type.

He's cute.
If you like the type.

It really sucks about 'Rage',
doesn't it?

It really sucks about 'Rage',
doesn't it?

Yeah. It really sucks.

Yeah. It really sucks.

I swear there's not an ounce
of artistic integrity

I swear there's not an ounce
of artistic integrity

in this fucking town.

in this fucking town.

Why don't you go back
to New York, do theatre?

Why don't you go back
to New York, do theatre?

I would in a heartbeat if not for
my 3-picture deal with Bruckheimer.

I would in a heartbeat if not for
my 3-picture deal with Bruckheimer.

So, where's our genius director?

So, where's our genius director?

He left yesterday for Australia.

He left yesterday for Australia.

I heard he's taking over
that remake of 'Mothra'.

I heard he's taking over
that remake of 'Mothra'.

Well, it isn't a Brett Keller film
unless something flies.

Well, it isn't a Brett Keller film
unless something flies.

He still plans on
doing 'Rage', though.

He still plans on
doing 'Rage', though.

His people are out shopping it
to other studios

His people are out shopping it
to other studios

now that it's in turnabout.

now that it's in turnabout.

That's turnaround.

That's turnaround.

Right. He swore
he's gonna get it made.

Right. He swore
he's gonna get it made.

Well, that's our Brettski. Fighting
the evil empire single-handed.

Well, that's our Brettski. Fighting
the evil empire single-handed.

But in this business, the only thing
that rises from the dead is Dracula,

But in this business, the only thing
that rises from the dead is Dracula,

and then only if Brad Pitt
is playing him.

and then only if Brad Pitt
is playing him.

When something's over, it's over.

When something's over, it's over.

You look like you gave an orgy
and nobody came.

You look like you gave an orgy
and nobody came.

I love how you can take a stale
cliche and make it fresh.

I love how you can take a stale
cliche and make it fresh.

Could you do the same
for this muffin?

Could you do the same
for this muffin?

What the fuck's with you?

What the fuck's with you?

Guess how many homos showed up last
night for the reopening of Babylon?

Guess how many homos showed up last
night for the reopening of Babylon?

Is this one of those
light bulb jokes?

Is this one of those
light bulb jokes?

12.

12.

Count 'em - 12.

Count 'em - 12.

Eight fucking grand down the crapper.

Eight fucking grand down the crapper.

If I don't do something quick,

If I don't do something quick,

it's gonna be another eight
fucking grand tonight,

it's gonna be another eight
fucking grand tonight,

and tomorrow night,
and the next night.

and tomorrow night,
and the next night.

Sounds like one hell of
an expensive blow job.

Sounds like one hell of
an expensive blow job.

And I wouldn't have minded even that,

And I wouldn't have minded even that,

but not one of them
was even remotely fuckable.

but not one of them
was even remotely fuckable.

Well, I don't get it.
Where did they all go?

Well, I don't get it.
Where did they all go?

The music was fucking awesome,
and only a buck a shooter.

The music was fucking awesome,
and only a buck a shooter.

Where you boys been all night?

Where you boys been all night?

Poppers.
Poppers?!

Poppers.
Poppers?!

That dump's older than I am!

That dump's older than I am!

The only thing that is.
(All snicker)

The only thing that is.
(All snicker)

There you have it.

There you have it.

You of all people should know,

You of all people should know,

there's no-one more fickle
than a fag.

there's no-one more fickle
than a fag.

(Sighs) Hey.
Sorry I'm late.

(Sighs) Hey.
Sorry I'm late.

The woman in front of me
had a stack of coupons.

The woman in front of me
had a stack of coupons.

Hey, sweetie.
Hi, Mommy.

Hey, sweetie.
Hi, Mommy.

Did you have fun with Momma?
Yeah.

Did you have fun with Momma?
Yeah.

Here's the mail.
Thanks.

Here's the mail.
Thanks.

OK, big boy. Gather up your toys.
It's time to go.

OK, big boy. Gather up your toys.
It's time to go.

Momma, I don't wanna go.

Momma, I don't wanna go.

Are we gonna go through this
every time?

Are we gonna go through this
every time?

Hmm.

Hmm.

It's OK, sweetie.

It's OK, sweetie.

I'll see you tomorrow when
Mommy goes to work, OK?

I'll see you tomorrow when
Mommy goes to work, OK?

How's J.R.?
Up all night screaming.

How's J.R.?
Up all night screaming.

Why didn't you let me take her?

Why didn't you let me take her?

You can't be up all night and
look after Gus and work all day.

You can't be up all night and
look after Gus and work all day.

But you're exhausted.
Don't worry about me, OK?

But you're exhausted.
Don't worry about me, OK?

I can handle it.
No-one said you couldn't.

I can handle it.
No-one said you couldn't.

Don't start.
I'm not starting anything.

Don't start.
I'm not starting anything.

I just wish there was
some way we could...

I just wish there was
some way we could...

Kiss and make up?
Get along.

Kiss and make up?
Get along.

Shit!
What is it?

Shit!
What is it?

That little fucker hired a lawyer.

That little fucker hired a lawyer.

Her name is Bobby Bennett.

Her name is Bobby Bennett.

Thought she was married
to Hugh Hefner.

Thought she was married
to Hugh Hefner.

That's Barbi Benton.

That's Barbi Benton.

This is a tough gay lawyer.

This is a tough gay lawyer.

She took the first gay adoption case
in Pennsylvania

She took the first gay adoption case
in Pennsylvania

to the State Supreme Court and won.

to the State Supreme Court and won.

She said as J.R's biological father

She said as J.R's biological father

I have rights
and I should fight for them.

I have rights
and I should fight for them.

No! No, I don't like it there.

No! No, I don't like it there.

So, she's agreed to take our case.

So, she's agreed to take our case.

Glad to see you
standing up for yourself.

Glad to see you
standing up for yourself.

Just sorry it had to come to this.

Just sorry it had to come to this.

They didn't leave me any choice.

They didn't leave me any choice.

Is this where you want it, Deb?

Is this where you want it, Deb?

Where I want it's in the garbage,

Where I want it's in the garbage,

but it's Carl's
favourite chair, so...

but it's Carl's
favourite chair, so...

There. That's better, huh?
Oh, yeah. Much better.

There. That's better, huh?
Oh, yeah. Much better.

Well, I'm not gonna let
my daughter be raised

Well, I'm not gonna let
my daughter be raised

by a couple of single mothers...

by a couple of single mothers...

When there's a loving,
stable home with two fathers.

When there's a loving,
stable home with two fathers.

Single mothers.
Hmm?

Single mothers.
Hmm?

You just said "single mothers".
You mean like me?

You just said "single mothers".
You mean like me?

I wasn't talking about you. I
wasn't even thinking about you.

I wasn't talking about you. I
wasn't even thinking about you.

Yeah, so what else is new,
but I was a single mother.

Yeah, so what else is new,
but I was a single mother.

And guess what?

And guess what?

Even without a father,
you still had enough sense

Even without a father,
you still had enough sense

to come in out of the rain -
sometimes!

to come in out of the rain -
sometimes!

That's not what I was talking about.

That's not what I was talking about.

For Christ's sakes, Mom,
would you stop misinterpreting?

For Christ's sakes, Mom,
would you stop misinterpreting?

Who's misinterpreting?

Who's misinterpreting?

Deb, all we're saying...
I know what you're saying!

Deb, all we're saying...
I know what you're saying!

I speak the language,
thank you very much.

I speak the language,
thank you very much.

You think 'cause there's two of you

You think 'cause there's two of you

that you're better-equipped
to raise a kid.

that you're better-equipped
to raise a kid.

Well, let me tell
you two experts something -

Well, let me tell
you two experts something -

not everyone is fortunate
enough to have a partner

not everyone is fortunate
enough to have a partner

and enough money to stay home
and raise their kids.

and enough money to stay home
and raise their kids.

Some of us had to work
night and day!

Some of us had to work
night and day!

Sometimes till two
in the fucking morning!

Sometimes till two
in the fucking morning!

So that our kids could have sneakers
and jeans and walkmans

So that our kids could have sneakers
and jeans and walkmans

and go to the movies
just like all their friends.

and go to the movies
just like all their friends.

And while we were out there working,

And while we were out there working,

we were just hoping
and praying to God

we were just hoping
and praying to God

that they didn't get sick
or get in trouble!

that they didn't get sick
or get in trouble!

But we had no choice.

But we had no choice.

We made whatever sacrifice
we could for our kids' happiness.

We made whatever sacrifice
we could for our kids' happiness.

So, if you two think
you can do it better,

So, if you two think
you can do it better,

all I got to say is...

all I got to say is...

..good for you.

..good for you.

I almost didn't recognise you
since you gained all that weight.

I almost didn't recognise you
since you gained all that weight.

It's not that much.

It's not that much.

I wish I could
gain weight like that.

I wish I could
gain weight like that.

I try and I try,
and I eat and I eat,

I try and I try,
and I eat and I eat,

but no matter what I do,
I just can't keep it on.

but no matter what I do,
I just can't keep it on.

Pity.
Chocolate?

Pity.
Chocolate?

I'm on a diet.

I'm on a diet.

Oh. And it's already working.

Oh. And it's already working.

Your hair is getting thinner.

Your hair is getting thinner.

Look, whatever else is going on, I've
always had a healthy head of hair.

Look, whatever else is going on, I've
always had a healthy head of hair.

Well, I hate to
contradict Mrs Brolin,

Well, I hate to
contradict Mrs Brolin,

but the mirror only has one face,
and you're looking at it.

but the mirror only has one face,
and you're looking at it.

Shit. I'm getting bald.

Shit. I'm getting bald.

(Stammers) What do I do?
What do I do?

(Stammers) What do I do?
What do I do?

Revert to Judaism
and wear a yarmulke?

Revert to Judaism
and wear a yarmulke?

There's no use fighting it,
sweetheart.

There's no use fighting it,
sweetheart.

I'm afraid age is the last trick
any of us picks up.

I'm afraid age is the last trick
any of us picks up.

The problem is, after it fucks us
it doesn't leave.

The problem is, after it fucks us
it doesn't leave.

So if I were you, I'd stop singing
the title song from 'Poor Me'

So if I were you, I'd stop singing
the title song from 'Poor Me'

and accept it.

and accept it.

Then what? Die?

Then what? Die?

Or move to Palm Springs,

Or move to Palm Springs,

pour yourself a martini
and ogle the Mexican boys.

pour yourself a martini
and ogle the Mexican boys.

Now, what shall we do with this?

Now, what shall we do with this?

Same old, same OLD?

Same old, same OLD?

(Emmett sighs) It doesn't matter
how many of these weddings I do,

(Emmett sighs) It doesn't matter
how many of these weddings I do,

I always get a lump in my throat
and a tear in my eye.

I always get a lump in my throat
and a tear in my eye.

Maybe it's allergies. What if
everybody starts sneezing?

Maybe it's allergies. What if
everybody starts sneezing?

You see? I told you we should
have had it indoors.

You see? I told you we should
have had it indoors.

The only sniffles today
will be sniffles of joy

The only sniffles today
will be sniffles of joy

from how lovely the bride looks.

from how lovely the bride looks.

I still think I should have left my
hair down. My face looks too round.

I still think I should have left my
hair down. My face looks too round.

It's the perfect frame
for the perfect picture.

It's the perfect frame
for the perfect picture.

You hear that, honey?
It's all an illusion.

You hear that, honey?
It's all an illusion.

I'm a mess. Are those rain clouds?

I'm a mess. Are those rain clouds?

I think it's time to cue
the 'Wedding March'.

I think it's time to cue
the 'Wedding March'.

Those...
You need to relax.

Those...
You need to relax.

To my beautiful bride.

To my beautiful bride.

From now on, you are my morning
news, my evening news

From now on, you are my morning
news, my evening news

and my special report.

and my special report.

Don, what a beautiful sentiment.

Don, what a beautiful sentiment.

(Shrieks) Oh, my God!

(Shrieks) Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.
Alright. Places, every...

Oh, my God.
Alright. Places, every...

I told you something would go wrong.

I told you something would go wrong.

Didn't I tell you
there'd be a disaster?!

Didn't I tell you
there'd be a disaster?!

My blouse! Look at me! How can I go
out there? I can't! It's ruined.

My blouse! Look at me! How can I go
out there? I can't! It's ruined.

Everything is ruined!

Everything is ruined!

(Sobs)
Take it off.

(Sobs)
Take it off.

What?
Take it off! Take your blouse off!

What?
Take it off! Take your blouse off!

Come on. We've got a hundred
guests watching.

Come on. We've got a hundred
guests watching.

Chop, chop!
OK.

Chop, chop!
OK.

(Sobs)

(Sobs)

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Go, go, go.
I'm going.

Go, go, go.
I'm going.

I need a soup pot and two bottles of
burgundy, please! Vite! Vite!

I need a soup pot and two bottles of
burgundy, please! Vite! Vite!

Fast as we can, people!

Fast as we can, people!

What, do you want a chicken too?

What, do you want a chicken too?

It's a hell of a time
to make coq au vin,

It's a hell of a time
to make coq au vin,

two minutes before our wedding!

two minutes before our wedding!

Alright.
What the fuck are you doing?!

Alright.
What the fuck are you doing?!

Just because I didn't carry her
doesn't mean I'm not her mother too.

Just because I didn't carry her
doesn't mean I'm not her mother too.

See the choo-choo go round
the tracks, sonny boy.

See the choo-choo go round
the tracks, sonny boy.

See it? It sure is fun.

See it? It sure is fun.

But after a while, it gets
monotonous and predictable,

But after a while, it gets
monotonous and predictable,

and that's when we throw off
the shackles of convention

and that's when we throw off
the shackles of convention

and relinquish control and
cause senseless, tragic disaster!

and relinquish control and
cause senseless, tragic disaster!

(Makes explosion noises) Oh, my God.
Did you see that?

(Makes explosion noises) Oh, my God.
Did you see that?

Brian, what are you doing?

Brian, what are you doing?

I'm just teaching my son
how to have fun.

I'm just teaching my son
how to have fun.

Well, I wish you'd listen to me.

Well, I wish you'd listen to me.

"Just because I didn't carry her

"Just because I didn't carry her

"doesn't mean
I'm not her mother too."

"doesn't mean
I'm not her mother too."

I was there every step of the way.

I was there every step of the way.

Impregnating her, coaching her,
taking care of her.

Impregnating her, coaching her,
taking care of her.

I even helped with the delivery.

I even helped with the delivery.

So who says you're not?
Michael.

So who says you're not?
Michael.

He's petitioning for joint custody
and 50% physical custody.

He's petitioning for joint custody
and 50% physical custody.

Who the hell does he think
he is - the father?

Who the hell does he think
he is - the father?

The agreement was that he would
always be a part of the baby's life,

The agreement was that he would
always be a part of the baby's life,

but Mel and I would raise her.

but Mel and I would raise her.

Together.
Doesn't make any difference.

Together.
Doesn't make any difference.

We're still the same people. We're
still Jenny Rebecca's parents.

We're still the same people. We're
still Jenny Rebecca's parents.

Well, he seems to feel differently.

Well, he seems to feel differently.

If only Melanie had been reasonable.

If only Melanie had been reasonable.

(Laughs) Melanie?
Our little Melanie?

(Laughs) Melanie?
Our little Melanie?

Reasonable?

Reasonable?

Instead of trying to force him out.

Instead of trying to force him out.

Now if he goes through with this,
I'll be the one who's forced out.

Now if he goes through with this,
I'll be the one who's forced out.

The court'll say I'm the one
with no legal rights.

The court'll say I'm the one
with no legal rights.

It looks like your mommy's
in quite a predicament.

It looks like your mommy's
in quite a predicament.

You're goddamn right she is.

You're goddamn right she is.

I can't believe what a mess
my life's become.

I can't believe what a mess
my life's become.

You need money?

You need money?

What I need is for you
to talk to him.

What I need is for you
to talk to him.

You're his best friend.
Hey, Gus.

You're his best friend.
Hey, Gus.

It's OK, sonny boy.

It's OK, sonny boy.

We will get it back on track.

We will get it back on track.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

OK. Flip the switch.

OK. Flip the switch.

And that should just about do it.

And that should just about do it.

Would you take that, please?
Thank you, thank you.

Would you take that, please?
Thank you, thank you.

Oh, oh. Over here.

Oh, oh. Over here.

Perfect.

Perfect.

Here we go. And one, and two.

Here we go. And one, and two.

There. It even matches your bouquet.

There. It even matches your bouquet.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you, thank you.
Let's go, let's go, let's go!

Thank you. Thank you, thank you.
Let's go, let's go, let's go!

You're a genius.
I'm not a genius!

You're a genius.
I'm not a genius!

My Aunt Lula's the genius.

My Aunt Lula's the genius.

See, back in Hazelhurst,
when I was a boy,

See, back in Hazelhurst,
when I was a boy,

my momma worked and scraped

my momma worked and scraped

to buy me a pair of
good white pants for church.

to buy me a pair of
good white pants for church.

Well, before we got there
I stole some boysenberry cobbler

Well, before we got there
I stole some boysenberry cobbler

and imagine the rest.

and imagine the rest.

Well, Momma was just about to
whup me, but Aunt Lula saved the day.

Well, Momma was just about to
whup me, but Aunt Lula saved the day.

She picked a mess of boysenberries,
made some boysenberry juice,

She picked a mess of boysenberries,
made some boysenberry juice,

and the next Sunday I had
the most fabulous purple pants

and the next Sunday I had
the most fabulous purple pants

to wear to church,

to wear to church,

which I, of course, accessorised with
a yellow sweater and a pink scarf.

which I, of course, accessorised with
a yellow sweater and a pink scarf.

That's a hell of a story.
That's how I got my fairy wings.

That's a hell of a story.
That's how I got my fairy wings.

By learning how to turn a disaster
into something beautiful.

By learning how to turn a disaster
into something beautiful.

Now, you two walk down that aisle
and live happily ever after.

Now, you two walk down that aisle
and live happily ever after.

Thanks.

Thanks.

'WEDDING MARCH' PLAYS

'WEDDING MARCH' PLAYS

TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS

TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS

Come on, honey.

Come on, honey.

There ain't no back room here,
so I guess it's off to my place.

There ain't no back room here,
so I guess it's off to my place.

Last time I looked, there was
a back room at Babylon.

Last time I looked, there was
a back room at Babylon.

Brian, hey, hey. We, uh...we
were planning to stop by later.

Brian, hey, hey. We, uh...we
were planning to stop by later.

Why not now and avoid the crowds?

Why not now and avoid the crowds?

Look, it's not my fault
the herd's moved on.

Look, it's not my fault
the herd's moved on.

All the hot guys come here now.

All the hot guys come here now.

Not that one. Jesus, look at him.

Not that one. Jesus, look at him.

A tired old queen desperately
trying to hold on to his...

A tired old queen desperately
trying to hold on to his...

Teddy?!

Teddy?!

Et tu, Theodore?

Et tu, Theodore?

Brian, what are you doing here?
Checking out the competition.

Brian, what are you doing here?
Checking out the competition.

Me too.
Is that why you're in disguise?

Me too.
Is that why you're in disguise?

It's my new look.

It's my new look.

I was, uh, going for
something newer, hipper.

I was, uh, going for
something newer, hipper.

I'm trying to bring them back
to Babylon, not scare them away.

I'm trying to bring them back
to Babylon, not scare them away.

Well, you'd better do it fast
or you're gonna lose your pants.

Well, you'd better do it fast
or you're gonna lose your pants.

Might as well start now.

Might as well start now.

PANTING AND MOANING

PANTING AND MOANING

MAN: Oh, yeah. Fuck me.

MAN: Oh, yeah. Fuck me.

You like that?
Oh, yeah.

You like that?
Oh, yeah.

How was your flight?

How was your flight?

(Cries)
(Sings lullaby)

(Cries)
(Sings lullaby)

OK. Let's try this again.

OK. Let's try this again.

KNOCK AT DOOR

KNOCK AT DOOR

Christ! What's going on in here?

Christ! What's going on in here?

I could hear her crying
halfway round the block.

I could hear her crying
halfway round the block.

Colic. She's been up all night.

Colic. She's been up all night.

Oh, she got that from Michael.

Oh, she got that from Michael.

I always knew he'd turn out gay -

I always knew he'd turn out gay -

he was a screamer from
the day he arrived.

he was a screamer from
the day he arrived.

Come here, honeybun.

Come here, honeybun.

Honeybun is what
I used to call Michael.

Honeybun is what
I used to call Michael.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Look, you really shouldn't be here,

Look, you really shouldn't be here,

considering he plans
to sue me for custody.

considering he plans
to sue me for custody.

You still haven't learned, have you?

You still haven't learned, have you?

We have a child here with a problem.

We have a child here with a problem.

You got a hot water bottle?
In the kitchen, I think.

You got a hot water bottle?
In the kitchen, I think.

Fill it.

Fill it.

With warm water.

With warm water.

(Cries)
Grandma's gonna make it alright.

(Cries)
Grandma's gonna make it alright.

Yes, she is.
(Wails)

Yes, she is.
(Wails)

Grandma's gonna make it alright.

Grandma's gonna make it alright.

Yes, I know it hurts.
I know it hurts.

Yes, I know it hurts.
I know it hurts.

Here's Mommy.

Here's Mommy.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Debbie, I know you want to
see your granddaughter,

Debbie, I know you want to
see your granddaughter,

and I appreciate your help, but...

and I appreciate your help, but...

But what?

But what?

Until this thing's settled...

Until this thing's settled...

As far as I'm concerned,
it already is.

As far as I'm concerned,
it already is.

The three of you carrying on,

The three of you carrying on,

each of you wanting a piece of
this poor child - it's shameful.

each of you wanting a piece of
this poor child - it's shameful.

It's worse than that king.
You know the one - Solomon.

It's worse than that king.
You know the one - Solomon.

(Murmurs)
Yes.

(Murmurs)
Yes.

But the bottom line, I say
a baby belongs with its mother.

But the bottom line, I say
a baby belongs with its mother.

You do.

You do.

Maybe it's because I'm a mother.

Maybe it's because I'm a mother.

A single mother.

A single mother.

And anyone who isn't
or never has been

And anyone who isn't
or never has been

hasn't a fucking clue how tough
that is, and that includes my son.

hasn't a fucking clue how tough
that is, and that includes my son.

So whatever I can do
to help, I'm here.

So whatever I can do
to help, I'm here.

Thank you for being on my side.

Thank you for being on my side.

Now hear this...

Now hear this...

..the only one whose side I'm on
is my granddaughter's.

..the only one whose side I'm on
is my granddaughter's.

Isn't that right, honeybun?

Isn't that right, honeybun?

Oh, so tired.

Oh, so tired.

I hated it out there.

I hated it out there.

The weather never changes. All
anybody talks about is the business.

The weather never changes. All
anybody talks about is the business.

If you don't have a go project
you're invisible.

If you don't have a go project
you're invisible.

Yeah, as they say in the movies,
cut to the chase. The guys are hot!

Yeah, as they say in the movies,
cut to the chase. The guys are hot!

Except after a while they all
start to look the same.

Except after a while they all
start to look the same.

Perfect hair, perfect teeth,
perfect bodies.

Perfect hair, perfect teeth,
perfect bodies.

Sounds perfectly awful.

Sounds perfectly awful.

And you cannot trust anyone

And you cannot trust anyone

or believe anything
that anybody ever says.

or believe anything
that anybody ever says.

Everybody's just looking out for
themselves and their careers.

Everybody's just looking out for
themselves and their careers.

Yeah, sounds exactly like what
you always hear about L.A.

Yeah, sounds exactly like what
you always hear about L.A.

Lot of shallow, superficial assholes

Lot of shallow, superficial assholes

desperately trying to be
what they're not.

desperately trying to be
what they're not.

Hey, Deb, can I get a soup spoon?

Hey, Deb, can I get a soup spoon?

Sure can, honey. They're over
by the counter. Help yourself.

Sure can, honey. They're over
by the counter. Help yourself.

You're lucky you got out of there
in one piece, baby.

You're lucky you got out of there
in one piece, baby.

So much for 'Rage' the movie.

So much for 'Rage' the movie.

So much for 'Rage' the money.

So much for 'Rage' the money.

It's OK. We'll be fine.

It's OK. We'll be fine.

You know, it's just as well
that they didn't make it.

You know, it's just as well
that they didn't make it.

Ben, you were right - by the time
they'd have finished it,

Ben, you were right - by the time
they'd have finished it,

Rage would have wound up straight.

Rage would have wound up straight.

At least we still have the comic.

At least we still have the comic.

Our comic.

Our comic.

And most important, you're back
here with us where you belong.

And most important, you're back
here with us where you belong.

Yeah, what are you
gonna do now, baby?

Yeah, what are you
gonna do now, baby?

I haven't had much chance
to think about it.

I haven't had much chance
to think about it.

Don't you worry, baby. Your old job
is still here waiting for you.

Don't you worry, baby. Your old job
is still here waiting for you.

You could start bussing tables
any time you want.

You could start bussing tables
any time you want.

So, would you like to slit your
throat now or after we have coffee?

So, would you like to slit your
throat now or after we have coffee?

Emmett, welcome to Channel Five news.

Emmett, welcome to Channel Five news.

Everyone is still raving
about the wedding.

Everyone is still raving
about the wedding.

Lila's friends want to know
where she got that blouse.

Lila's friends want to know
where she got that blouse.

Said they never saw
such a beautiful colour.

Said they never saw
such a beautiful colour.

Well, I'm just relieved
everything worked out alright.

Well, I'm just relieved
everything worked out alright.

If there's anything else
I can do for you -

If there's anything else
I can do for you -

your next wedding. (Laughs)

your next wedding. (Laughs)

Actually, there is.

Actually, there is.

I watched you day after day
through this entire event.

I watched you day after day
through this entire event.

You did?

You did?

And I have a little
proposition to make.

And I have a little
proposition to make.

You do?

You do?

I want you, Emmett.

I want you, Emmett.

Lord, what is it with me
and straight men?

Lord, what is it with me
and straight men?

Mr McGruder, I'm very flattered,
but you're a married man now, so...

Mr McGruder, I'm very flattered,
but you're a married man now, so...

What the hell are you...?
You don't think I... (Laughs)

What the hell are you...?
You don't think I... (Laughs)

Please! No! (Laughs)

Please! No! (Laughs)

Well, you did say you wanted me.
For the news team.

Well, you did say you wanted me.
For the news team.

As what? Sports commentator?
Weather girl?

As what? Sports commentator?
Weather girl?

Either way, I think you'd
be terribly disappointed.

Either way, I think you'd
be terribly disappointed.

Listen, I don't have to tell you -
queer is very hot right now.

Listen, I don't have to tell you -
queer is very hot right now.

Everybody wants the gay perspective.

Everybody wants the gay perspective.

What do the gays think about
fashion, cooking, decorating?

What do the gays think about
fashion, cooking, decorating?

Like you said,
that little fairy magic

Like you said,
that little fairy magic

that gives us straights
a little twist.

that gives us straights
a little twist.

And you want me to...?
To do a new segment.

And you want me to...?
To do a new segment.

Offer us the gay point of view.

Offer us the gay point of view.

Give us some tips. Do some makeovers.
But I've never...

Give us some tips. Do some makeovers.
But I've never...

After that magic act you performed
at our wedding, you can do anything.

After that magic act you performed
at our wedding, you can do anything.

That includes being
Channel Five's 'Queer Guy'.

That includes being
Channel Five's 'Queer Guy'.

Without the lights and the music
and the hot guys

Without the lights and the music
and the hot guys

it's just a room, isn't it?

it's just a room, isn't it?

It's all an illusion.

It's all an illusion.

Nothing but cheap theatrics.

Nothing but cheap theatrics.

Sorry about your baby.
Jenny?

Sorry about your baby.
Jenny?

Rage.
Oh, that.

Rage.
Oh, that.

Well, right now I've got more
important things to think about.

Well, right now I've got more
important things to think about.

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

So, why the urgent message
on my cell?

So, why the urgent message
on my cell?

I want you to leave Melanie
and Lindsay alone.

I want you to leave Melanie
and Lindsay alone.

They have enough shit
to work out right now

They have enough shit
to work out right now

without you sicking your bulldog -
or should I say bulldyke -

without you sicking your bulldog -
or should I say bulldyke -

lawyer on them.

lawyer on them.

What the fuck business is it of
yours if I wanna hire a lawyer?

What the fuck business is it of
yours if I wanna hire a lawyer?

Who the fuck are you to...?

Who the fuck are you to...?

(Laughs) I'm Gus's father,
that's who the fuck I am.

(Laughs) I'm Gus's father,
that's who the fuck I am.

You had to lose a ball before
you even knew he was alive!

You had to lose a ball before
you even knew he was alive!

I'm sorry. That was
an uncalled for remark.

I'm sorry. That was
an uncalled for remark.

It's just that...because
they're your son's parents too

It's just that...because
they're your son's parents too

I thought you'd understand.

I thought you'd understand.

What I understand is that
if you go through with this,

What I understand is that
if you go through with this,

Lindsay's gonna be the one
that gets left out.

Lindsay's gonna be the one
that gets left out.

She's gonna be the one
that gets fucked over.

She's gonna be the one
that gets fucked over.

Well, she should have
thought of that

Well, she should have
thought of that

before she cheated on Mel
and then lied to me.

before she cheated on Mel
and then lied to me.

Christ! Would you give it a rest,
already? We all know the story.

Christ! Would you give it a rest,
already? We all know the story.

Why don't you stop defending her
for a change

Why don't you stop defending her
for a change

and try defending me,
your best friend?!

and try defending me,
your best friend?!

Right now the best thing
for Jenny Rebecca

Right now the best thing
for Jenny Rebecca

is to be with Ben and me
in a stable home,

is to be with Ben and me
in a stable home,

not being passed back and forth
between two battling lesbians.

not being passed back and forth
between two battling lesbians.

When did you change?

When did you change?

What?

What?

When did you become this pious,
sanctimonious, judgmental twit?

When did you become this pious,
sanctimonious, judgmental twit?

The point is not when did I change.

The point is not when did I change.

The point is why haven't you?

The point is why haven't you?

When are you gonna stop being some
over-the-hill club boy and grow up?

When are you gonna stop being some
over-the-hill club boy and grow up?

Oh, so now I'm the object
of your disapproval too.

Oh, so now I'm the object
of your disapproval too.

You and the nutty professor get
married in fucking Canada,

You and the nutty professor get
married in fucking Canada,

you move to Stepford Avenue with all
the other ersatz heterosexuals

you move to Stepford Avenue with all
the other ersatz heterosexuals

and suddenly that gives you the right

and suddenly that gives you the right

to make pronouncements
on everybody else's life?

to make pronouncements
on everybody else's life?

Well, welcome to the other side
of your perfect marriage, Mikey.

Well, welcome to the other side
of your perfect marriage, Mikey.

It's called gay divorce.

It's called gay divorce.

Fags and dykes can
fuck up their lives

Fags and dykes can
fuck up their lives

just like the rest of the world.

just like the rest of the world.

I'm just trying to do
what's best for my daughter

I'm just trying to do
what's best for my daughter

and protect my rights.

and protect my rights.

I'm sorry you can't see that.

I'm sorry you can't see that.

SONG: # How do I look?

SONG: # How do I look?

# Huh?

# Huh?

# How do I look?

# How do I look?

# How do I look?
# You look good

# How do I look?
# You look good

# How do I feel?
# You feel good

# How do I feel?
# You feel good

# How do I look?
# You look good

# How do I look?
# You look good

# You're looking good
and feeling gorgeous... #

# You're looking good
and feeling gorgeous... #

DOORBELL RINGS

DOORBELL RINGS

Just call me the 'Queer Guy'.

Just call me the 'Queer Guy'.

Wouldn't that be like calling
the Pope the 'Catholic Guy'?

Wouldn't that be like calling
the Pope the 'Catholic Guy'?

Don McGruder, the producer
of the Channel Five news -

Don McGruder, the producer
of the Channel Five news -

I just did his wedding -

I just did his wedding -

wants me to join the news team.

wants me to join the news team.

I am returning to the cameras,
this time with my clothes on.

I am returning to the cameras,
this time with my clothes on.

I'm gonna be Channel Five's
'Queer Guy',

I'm gonna be Channel Five's
'Queer Guy',

sharing tips, making quips,

sharing tips, making quips,

and generally showing Pittsburgh
how to be fabulous.

and generally showing Pittsburgh
how to be fabulous.

You can start by showing me.

You can start by showing me.

Look at my hair and my gut.

Look at my hair and my gut.

My face.

My face.

God, I look like a shar-pei.

God, I look like a shar-pei.

There's nothing wrong
with the way you look.

There's nothing wrong
with the way you look.

Would you stop being a friend
and be honest?

Would you stop being a friend
and be honest?

I am being honest!

I am being honest!

Come here. Come here.

Come here. Come here.

Look at yourself.
(Sighs)

Look at yourself.
(Sighs)

Your true self.

Your true self.

The self that kicked crystal,
that completed the Liberty Ride,

The self that kicked crystal,
that completed the Liberty Ride,

that got a great job.

that got a great job.

You turned your life around, Teddy,

You turned your life around, Teddy,

and that is something to be
very, very proud of.

and that is something to be
very, very proud of.

You're practically a hero, OK?

You're practically a hero, OK?

So, who cares if you put on a few
pounds or have a few character lines?

So, who cares if you put on a few
pounds or have a few character lines?

Stop looking at the shell
and see the pearl.

Stop looking at the shell
and see the pearl.

You're right, Em.

You're right, Em.

You're so right.

You're so right.

It did sound good, didn't it?

It did sound good, didn't it?

Maybe I can use that in a segment.

Maybe I can use that in a segment.

Well, this 'Queer Guy's got to
get to the gym

Well, this 'Queer Guy's got to
get to the gym

and then, uh, get some beauty rest.

and then, uh, get some beauty rest.

The camera's merciless, you know.

The camera's merciless, you know.

It shows every line and
immediately adds 10 pounds.

It shows every line and
immediately adds 10 pounds.

I'll see you, baby.

I'll see you, baby.

Thanks, Em.

Thanks, Em.

Hey, you're gonna make
a great 'Queer Guy'.

Hey, you're gonna make
a great 'Queer Guy'.

You already are.
Can't help it.

You already are.
Can't help it.

(Dials phone)

(Dials phone)

Hi, yes.

Hi, yes.

My name is Ted Schmidt

My name is Ted Schmidt

and I'd like to make an appointment
to see the doctor.

and I'd like to make an appointment
to see the doctor.

BELL RINGS
Be right with you.

BELL RINGS
Be right with you.

My attorney advised me
not to talk to you.

My attorney advised me
not to talk to you.

Well, I'm an attorney too and I'd
say she's being overly cautious.

Well, I'm an attorney too and I'd
say she's being overly cautious.

After all, we're friends - family.

After all, we're friends - family.

Are we?
I'm sure we can work this out.

Are we?
I'm sure we can work this out.

Save ourselves a lot of grief
and legal expenses,

Save ourselves a lot of grief
and legal expenses,

which if I know anything
about lawyers

which if I know anything
about lawyers

is why she doesn't
want us communicating.

is why she doesn't
want us communicating.

Look, I admit I overreacted.

Look, I admit I overreacted.

I was just being protective,
the way any mother would.

I was just being protective,
the way any mother would.

You can understand that.

You can understand that.

I suppose.

I suppose.

There's no question you're part
of Jenny Rebecca's life.

There's no question you're part
of Jenny Rebecca's life.

It's just that she's so young.

It's just that she's so young.

She's still breastfeeding.

She's still breastfeeding.

So I was thinking that maybe
later on down the road -

So I was thinking that maybe
later on down the road -

say when she's four or five -

say when she's four or five -

she can spend some time
with you and Ben.

she can spend some time
with you and Ben.

I think that's perfectly
reasonable, don't you?

I think that's perfectly
reasonable, don't you?

How dumb do you think I am?

How dumb do you think I am?

No, don't answer that. I can imagine.

No, don't answer that. I can imagine.

First you tell me I have no rights,
which isn't true -

First you tell me I have no rights,
which isn't true -

I have as much rights as you.

I have as much rights as you.

Now you try to get me to agree not
to take her until she's four or five.

Now you try to get me to agree not
to take her until she's four or five.

I'm sorry, Mel. I'm not backing off.

I'm sorry, Mel. I'm not backing off.

I can't believe you're doing this!

I can't believe you're doing this!

After we stood right here
in your store

After we stood right here
in your store

and agreed that you
could be the father

and agreed that you
could be the father

instead of just the sperm donor.

instead of just the sperm donor.

Then why won't you let me have her?

Then why won't you let me have her?

Because you don't know shit
about raising a baby.

Because you don't know shit
about raising a baby.

Even your own mother agrees!
My mother?

Even your own mother agrees!
My mother?

She thinks you're behaving
like an asshole.

She thinks you're behaving
like an asshole.

Oh, really?

Oh, really?

You know what? I don't give
a flying fuck what my mother thinks.

You know what? I don't give
a flying fuck what my mother thinks.

Jenny Rebecca is my daughter too
and I'm going to have joint custody.

Jenny Rebecca is my daughter too
and I'm going to have joint custody.

Then you go ahead and try.

Then you go ahead and try.

But let me tell you -

But let me tell you -

you're not only up against
one angry mother and lesbian,

you're not only up against
one angry mother and lesbian,

you're up against
one pissed-off lawyer.

you're up against
one pissed-off lawyer.

So...

So...

..was it all you remembered?

..was it all you remembered?

And more.

And more.

What about you?

What about you?

Mmm. It was...OK.

Mmm. It was...OK.

(Laughs)

(Laughs)

Just OK?

Just OK?

It was great.

It was great.

Say it was great.
(Laughs)

Say it was great.
(Laughs)

Say it was great.

Say it was great.

Say it.
(Laughs)

Say it.
(Laughs)

It was great, it was great,
it was great.

It was great, it was great,
it was great.

It was great.

It was great.

It was. It was great.

It was. It was great.

I thought you were never coming back.

I thought you were never coming back.

I figured.

I figured.

Well, why would you?

Well, why would you?

Can't imagine.

Can't imagine.

What's this?

What's this?

It's one of my storyboards
from the movie.

It's one of my storyboards
from the movie.

It's good.

It's good.

Thanks.

Thanks.

What?
Nothing.

What?
Nothing.

I told everyone
how shitty it was out there,

I told everyone
how shitty it was out there,

how stupid everyone was.

how stupid everyone was.

The truth is, I loved it.

The truth is, I loved it.

I know.

I know.

It was hot, it was fun,
it was exciting.

It was hot, it was fun,
it was exciting.

We were gonna change the world -
the first gay superhero.

We were gonna change the world -
the first gay superhero.

Now it's over.

Now it's over.

Now you're back.

Now you're back.

It must be quite a let-down
after all that.

It must be quite a let-down
after all that.

There's still one thing Pittsburgh
has that Hollywood doesn't.

There's still one thing Pittsburgh
has that Hollywood doesn't.

That is, if the offer still stands.

That is, if the offer still stands.