Queer as Folk (2000–2005): Season 5, Episode 3 - Episode #5.3 - full transcript

SONG: # One, two, three, four,
five, six, take it down! #

SONG: # One, two, three, four,
five, six, take it down! #

'CUE THE PULSE TO BEGIN'
BY BURNSIDE PROJECT PLAYS

'CUE THE PULSE TO BEGIN'
BY BURNSIDE PROJECT PLAYS

# Cue the pulse to begin

# Cue the pulse to begin

# Cue the pulse to begin

# Cue the pulse to begin

# Cue the pulse to begin

# Cue the pulse to begin

# Cue the pulse to begin. #



# Cue the pulse to begin. #

DRUMROLL

DRUMROLL

HAUNTING PSYCHEDELIC
CABARET MUSIC PLAYS

HAUNTING PSYCHEDELIC
CABARET MUSIC PLAYS

CRACK!

CRACK!

SONG: # Do you think you could... #

SONG: # Do you think you could... #

CRACK!
# I wish you would

CRACK!
# I wish you would

# Take me with you... #
CRACK!

# Take me with you... #
CRACK!

LION ROARS
# 'Cause I've been good



LION ROARS
# 'Cause I've been good

# I'll stay well dressed
and keep my big mouth shut... #

# I'll stay well dressed
and keep my big mouth shut... #

CRACK!
# All those nights we shared... #

CRACK!
# All those nights we shared... #

CRACK!
# That never went nowhere

CRACK!
# That never went nowhere

# Well, I've had my share... #
CRACK!

# Well, I've had my share... #
CRACK!

# But now you're left with
all the lunatics up there. #

# But now you're left with
all the lunatics up there. #

SCATTERED APPLAUSE, CHEERING

SCATTERED APPLAUSE, CHEERING

(Whistles)
JUSTIN: Yeah!

(Whistles)
JUSTIN: Yeah!

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Buy you a drink?

Buy you a drink?

Grey Goose and arsenic.

Grey Goose and arsenic.

Hey, that should be
tomorrow night's 2-buck special!

Hey, that should be
tomorrow night's 2-buck special!

We'll make...

We'll make...

..ooh, at least, uh...

..ooh, at least, uh...

..six bucks.

..six bucks.

How about a full-page spread
in 'Out'?

How about a full-page spread
in 'Out'?

I put window cards into every shop
on Liberty Avenue.

I put window cards into every shop
on Liberty Avenue.

I even had fucking go-go boys
in Speedos passing out flyers.

I even had fucking go-go boys
in Speedos passing out flyers.

Promotion like that, there should be
lines around the block.

Promotion like that, there should be
lines around the block.

Oh, there are...at Poppers.

Oh, there are...at Poppers.

CRACK!

CRACK!

Drinks on the house.

Drinks on the house.

For wasting our time AND our talent.

For wasting our time AND our talent.

I don't get why everyone left.

I don't get why everyone left.

That's one of the great
mysteries of life.

That's one of the great
mysteries of life.

How does a bud know when to open?

How does a bud know when to open?

How does a bird know how to fly?

How does a bird know how to fly?

Why do queers desert
one club for another?

Why do queers desert
one club for another?

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

Oh, I know, I'm late. I'm sorry.
Don't worry about it.

Oh, I know, I'm late. I'm sorry.
Don't worry about it.

Aww, how's my sweetie?
Out like a light.

Aww, how's my sweetie?
Out like a light.

How much Xanax did you give her?

How much Xanax did you give her?

It was a joke.

It was a joke.

I wish I could get her to sleep
instead of crying all night.

I wish I could get her to sleep
instead of crying all night.

What did Jacobs have to say?

What did Jacobs have to say?

Oh, Michael doesn't
have a fucking chance

Oh, Michael doesn't
have a fucking chance

of proving he'd be a better
custodial parent than me.

of proving he'd be a better
custodial parent than me.

And the judge almost always
favours the mother.

And the judge almost always
favours the mother.

I mean, look what happened with
Hunter's mother, for Christ's sake.

I mean, look what happened with
Hunter's mother, for Christ's sake.

In this case, that's a relief.

In this case, that's a relief.

(Sighs) Yeah.

(Sighs) Yeah.

There is one more thing.

There is one more thing.

He thinks it's best
if I go to the meeting alone.

He thinks it's best
if I go to the meeting alone.

And why is that?

And why is that?

It would be more prudent
and less complicated

It would be more prudent
and less complicated

if we kept things between the
birth mother and the birth father.

if we kept things between the
birth mother and the birth father.

Well, I don't think it's so prudent.

Well, I don't think it's so prudent.

I have as much right
to be there as you do.

I have as much right
to be there as you do.

Actually, you don't,

Actually, you don't,

and your presence could
prove detrimental to my case.

and your presence could
prove detrimental to my case.

YOUR case?

YOUR case?

We were life partners for 10 years.

We were life partners for 10 years.

And now we're divorcing lesbians.

And now we're divorcing lesbians.

We're not even divorcing.
We're dissolving.

We're not even divorcing.
We're dissolving.

Why make matters more complicated?

Why make matters more complicated?

But what about me?

But what about me?

You and I will still have
the same arrangement we have now.

You and I will still have
the same arrangement we have now.

We'll spend equal time
with Jenny Rebecca, same with Gus.

We'll spend equal time
with Jenny Rebecca, same with Gus.

That won't change.

That won't change.

You'll just have to trust me.

You'll just have to trust me.

She said she and her lawyer
talked it over

She said she and her lawyer
talked it over

and decided it would be best
for me not to be there

and decided it would be best
for me not to be there

when they meet with Michael
and his lawyer.

when they meet with Michael
and his lawyer.

She says the fact that
we're not together

She says the fact that
we're not together

will only complicate the case
and give Michael more ammunition,

will only complicate the case
and give Michael more ammunition,

but I think I have as much
right to be there as they do,

but I think I have as much
right to be there as they do,

even if I'm not
the biological parent.

even if I'm not
the biological parent.

Blue Rooster -
the chicken chain...

Blue Rooster -
the chicken chain...

..they need a campaign
for their new 16-ounce sandwich.

..they need a campaign
for their new 16-ounce sandwich.

How do you like...

How do you like...

"When you're hungry for a big cock"?

"When you're hungry for a big cock"?

Yeah, they didn't like it either.

Yeah, they didn't like it either.

So what did Melanie say?

So what did Melanie say?

She said I should trust her.

She said I should trust her.

(Chuckles)

(Chuckles)

That once everything was settled,
she'd share custody with me.

That once everything was settled,
she'd share custody with me.

That we have a deal.

That we have a deal.

The way she had a deal with Michael?

The way she had a deal with Michael?

I wanna believe her. I do.

I wanna believe her. I do.

We've tried to be fair
where the kids are concerned.

We've tried to be fair
where the kids are concerned.

But I'm the one
with the most to lose.

But I'm the one
with the most to lose.

Then stop bitching and moaning
and do something.

Then stop bitching and moaning
and do something.

I can always count on you
for the cold, hard truth.

I can always count on you
for the cold, hard truth.

Here.

Here.

Who's he?

Who's he?

It's a lawyer friend of mine.

It's a lawyer friend of mine.

I'll give him a call first.

I'll give him a call first.

Stop worrying about
how much it's gonna cost.

Stop worrying about
how much it's gonna cost.

I guess I have no choice.

I guess I have no choice.

Guess not.

Guess not.

Well, the queers
are about to find out

Well, the queers
are about to find out

what the breeders
have known all along.

what the breeders
have known all along.

In a messy divorce...

In a messy divorce...

..nobody stays clean.

..nobody stays clean.

When I was in L.A. thinking I might
come back to Pittsburgh and paint,

When I was in L.A. thinking I might
come back to Pittsburgh and paint,

I didn't imagine
it would be like this.

I didn't imagine
it would be like this.

Tell you what.
You can sign the wall.

Tell you what.
You can sign the wall.

We really appreciate the extra hand.

We really appreciate the extra hand.

Hey, someday, when you and Brian get
a house, we'll return the favour.

Hey, someday, when you and Brian get
a house, we'll return the favour.

Don't run to the paint store.
You never know...

Don't run to the paint store.
You never know...

Hey, guess what I never did.

Hey, guess what I never did.

Put rat traps in the attic?

Put rat traps in the attic?

Carried you over the threshold.

Carried you over the threshold.

That's what married people do.
Right, Justin?

That's what married people do.
Right, Justin?

I wouldn't know.

I wouldn't know.

Well, why don't I carry you
over the threshold?

Well, why don't I carry you
over the threshold?

Oh, you wanna try it, big guy?
(Both laugh)

Oh, you wanna try it, big guy?
(Both laugh)

(Grunts)
Jesus, Ben!

(Grunts)
Jesus, Ben!

(Southern accent) C'mon, baby,
let's make this official!

(Southern accent) C'mon, baby,
let's make this official!

Put me down!
Here we go! Whoo!

Put me down!
Here we go! Whoo!

Hey! Are you guys playing a little
rough-house in your new house?

Hey! Are you guys playing a little
rough-house in your new house?

Hey, Sunshine!
Hey.

Hey, Sunshine!
Hey.

I thought maybe you boys...
that you men could use some lunch,

I thought maybe you boys...
that you men could use some lunch,

so I bought some cheese steaks and
one veggie Hoagie for my son-in-law.

so I bought some cheese steaks and
one veggie Hoagie for my son-in-law.

Aw, thanks, Deb.

Aw, thanks, Deb.

Wow, this place
is really shaping up, huh?

Wow, this place
is really shaping up, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know what would
look great on this wall?

You know what would
look great on this wall?

Another coat of paint?
My velvet cat painting!

Another coat of paint?
My velvet cat painting!

Huh? From my living room.

Huh? From my living room.

I've been saving it for you, honey.

I've been saving it for you, honey.

I'll take these to the kitchen.

I'll take these to the kitchen.

What's up his ass?
Why don't you find out?

What's up his ass?
Why don't you find out?

I'll leave that to you.

I'll leave that to you.

I'd sure like to know
why he's so fuckin' pissy.

I'd sure like to know
why he's so fuckin' pissy.

(Chuckles)

(Chuckles)

(Ben and Justin chat)

(Ben and Justin chat)

You might try thanking me
for the sandwiches.

You might try thanking me
for the sandwiches.

Thanks.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

You're welcome.

And why haven't I heard
from you in a week?

And why haven't I heard
from you in a week?

I've been kind of busy.

I've been kind of busy.

Don't open up a mouth.

Don't open up a mouth.

I was just asking.

I was just asking.

You need to stock up.
Why don't I go to the grocery and...

You need to stock up.
Why don't I go to the grocery and...

Better yet, why don't you go
stock up Melanie's refrigerator?

Better yet, why don't you go
stock up Melanie's refrigerator?

Why the hell would I do that?

Why the hell would I do that?

You told her you agreed with her.

You told her you agreed with her.

You're on her side.

You're on her side.

My own mother.

My own mother.

What I said was
I was not on anyone's side,

What I said was
I was not on anyone's side,

to think of me like Switzerland.

to think of me like Switzerland.

What, a haven for Nazi gold?
Neutral.

What, a haven for Nazi gold?
Neutral.

All I care about is that kid.

All I care about is that kid.

So do I.

So do I.

That's why I want her in a loving
home with two parents.

That's why I want her in a loving
home with two parents.

Why is that so hard to comprehend?

Why is that so hard to comprehend?

What's hard to comprehend

What's hard to comprehend

is how angry you've been at me
all these years

is how angry you've been at me
all these years

for being a single mom.

for being a single mom.

And here...I always thought we made
it through just fine, you and me.

And here...I always thought we made
it through just fine, you and me.

'The two musketeers'.

'The two musketeers'.

Apparently not.

Apparently not.

Well, I'm sorry I couldn't give you
everything you wanted.

Well, I'm sorry I couldn't give you
everything you wanted.

But I gave you everything I could.

But I gave you everything I could.

You are the luckiest
fuck in Pittsburgh.

You are the luckiest
fuck in Pittsburgh.

As if that were reason
to barge into my office.

As if that were reason
to barge into my office.

I found you a buyer.

I found you a buyer.

Hooray.

Hooray.

What am I selling?

What am I selling?

Babylon. Yeah.

Babylon. Yeah.

A consortium wants
to build a galleria

A consortium wants
to build a galleria

and they're willing to buy out
your lease at a very good price.

and they're willing to buy out
your lease at a very good price.

Well, aren't you excited?
Relieved? Overjoyed?

Well, aren't you excited?
Relieved? Overjoyed?

I mean, in another couple of weeks

I mean, in another couple of weeks

you would have had to take out
loans against Kinnetic

you would have had to take out
loans against Kinnetic

to pay for that fakakte club.

to pay for that fakakte club.

Yeah, unless I turn it around.
(Scoffs)

Yeah, unless I turn it around.
(Scoffs)

Not even Rage could
accomplish that feat.

Not even Rage could
accomplish that feat.

Oh, and the beauty part is,
we'll write it off!

Oh, and the beauty part is,
we'll write it off!

You can use it for a tax deduction.

You can use it for a tax deduction.

That sounds like good,
practical advice.

That sounds like good,
practical advice.

Just...walk away.

Just...walk away.

Leave it to the developers.

Leave it to the developers.

And after they finish turning Babylon
into the Mall of America, then what?

And after they finish turning Babylon
into the Mall of America, then what?

Make Woody's into a Wal-Mart?

Make Woody's into a Wal-Mart?

Torso into Target?
(Sighs)

Torso into Target?
(Sighs)

The diner into an Olive Garden?

The diner into an Olive Garden?

I'm sorry, Theodore.

I'm sorry, Theodore.

I'm sure there are millions of
faggots who'd like nothing more

I'm sure there are millions of
faggots who'd like nothing more

than to walk the straight and narrow.

than to walk the straight and narrow.

But I'd sooner die than
see Liberty Avenue homogenised

But I'd sooner die than
see Liberty Avenue homogenised

and de-homo-ised.

and de-homo-ised.

DOOR CLOSES

DOOR CLOSES

Hi, hon.
Hi, sweetheart! How was your day?

Hi, hon.
Hi, sweetheart! How was your day?

Well, if you'd care to take off your
coat and stick around for a while,

Well, if you'd care to take off your
coat and stick around for a while,

I'll tell you all about it.

I'll tell you all about it.

(Chuckles) I'd like to take off more
than that, but I'm late for my shift.

(Chuckles) I'd like to take off more
than that, but I'm late for my shift.

There's sausage and rigatoni
in the stove.

There's sausage and rigatoni
in the stove.

Be careful, 'cause the sausages
are real garlicky. (Kisses)

Be careful, 'cause the sausages
are real garlicky. (Kisses)

You'll just have to put some
breath mints by the bed.

You'll just have to put some
breath mints by the bed.

(Both chuckle)

(Both chuckle)

When will you be back?

When will you be back?

Around 1:00.
Perfect.

Around 1:00.
Perfect.

I'll be asleep around 12:59.

I'll be asleep around 12:59.

You know, when we decided
to live together,

You know, when we decided
to live together,

I actually thought it would
be at the same time.

I actually thought it would
be at the same time.

You know it isn't always like this.

You know it isn't always like this.

Hmm. (Smacks lips)

Hmm. (Smacks lips)

I don't want to come home
to sausage and rigatoni.

I don't want to come home
to sausage and rigatoni.

I wanna come home
to sausage and rigatoni and you.

I wanna come home
to sausage and rigatoni and you.

As soon as Betty's
back from her surgery,

As soon as Betty's
back from her surgery,

I won't have to do
any more late shifts.

I won't have to do
any more late shifts.

Why do you have to do any shifts?

Why do you have to do any shifts?

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

You kill yourself down at the diner,
on your feet day and night. Why?

You kill yourself down at the diner,
on your feet day and night. Why?

It's what I do!

It's what I do!

It's what I've always done.

It's what I've always done.

That doesn't mean
you have to keep on doing it.

That doesn't mean
you have to keep on doing it.

What would we do for money?
Print it? You'd arrest me.

What would we do for money?
Print it? You'd arrest me.

I have money.

I have money.

Carl, I've never lived off anyone.

Carl, I've never lived off anyone.

I've never asked for so much as a
dime. I don't intend to start now.

I've never asked for so much as a
dime. I don't intend to start now.

You're not asking.

You're not asking.

I'm offering.

I'm offering.

Sweetheart, you've been
looking after others

Sweetheart, you've been
looking after others

practically your whole life.

practically your whole life.

Don't you deserve a little
time for yourself?

Don't you deserve a little
time for yourself?

For us?

For us?

OK, everyone, I'd like you to meet
Emmett Honeycutt, our new Queer Guy.

OK, everyone, I'd like you to meet
Emmett Honeycutt, our new Queer Guy.

(Chuckles) I'm so excited
to be here and meet you all.

(Chuckles) I'm so excited
to be here and meet you all.

Hope I don't wet myself!

Hope I don't wet myself!

Jake Anders, our news anchor.
Oh, my God!

Jake Anders, our news anchor.
Oh, my God!

You're even hotter in person,
if that's possible!

You're even hotter in person,
if that's possible!

Every gay boy's dream.

Every gay boy's dream.

Mira Yamasushi, our co-anchor.

Mira Yamasushi, our co-anchor.

I love your hair!

I love your hair!

It's so much more flattering
than the Lucy-red curls

It's so much more flattering
than the Lucy-red curls

you had during the
Monica Lewinsky scandal.

you had during the
Monica Lewinsky scandal.

Bud Lock with sports.

Bud Lock with sports.

Between you and me, Bud, I usually
go for a pee when sports are up,

Between you and me, Bud, I usually
go for a pee when sports are up,

but it's a pleasure.

but it's a pleasure.

And our weatherman...
(Shouts) Johnny Memphis!

And our weatherman...
(Shouts) Johnny Memphis!

I swear by you.

I swear by you.

When you said it was gonna rain
the day of Gay Pride,

When you said it was gonna rain
the day of Gay Pride,

all those silly queens laughed at me
for bringing an umbrella,

all those silly queens laughed at me
for bringing an umbrella,

but guess whose
hair and gown survived

but guess whose
hair and gown survived

that 40-mile-an-hour cold front
blowin' in from the north?

that 40-mile-an-hour cold front
blowin' in from the north?

(Chuckles) Yeah.

(Chuckles) Yeah.

SILENCE
Well. (Chuckles)

SILENCE
Well. (Chuckles)

It's, uh, great to, um, to be...
part of the team.

It's, uh, great to, um, to be...
part of the team.

You should have seen
the way they looked at me -

You should have seen
the way they looked at me -

like I was some alien from Uranus.

like I was some alien from Uranus.

No matter what anyone says,

No matter what anyone says,

it's a relief to come back
to our home-sweet-homo.

it's a relief to come back
to our home-sweet-homo.

Yeah, well, I used to feel the same
way after a day at Wirtschafters.

Yeah, well, I used to feel the same
way after a day at Wirtschafters.

Yeah, but you can pass for straight.

Yeah, but you can pass for straight.

My flames always burn too big
and too bright for that.

My flames always burn too big
and too bright for that.

Then can you heat up my soup?

Then can you heat up my soup?

You know, whenever I've tried
to play on a team,

You know, whenever I've tried
to play on a team,

I always ended up on the bench.

I always ended up on the bench.

I don't want that
to happen this time.

I don't want that
to happen this time.

Fuck.

Fuck.

What's wrong, Deb?

What's wrong, Deb?

Oh, it's this goddamn sign.

Oh, it's this goddamn sign.

I mean, my 'help' is alright

I mean, my 'help' is alright

but I don't have enough
room here for 'wanted',

but I don't have enough
room here for 'wanted',

and I haven't gotten around
to 'enquire within'.

and I haven't gotten around
to 'enquire within'.

(Laughs) Here, let me.

(Laughs) Here, let me.

Sure helps to have an artist
in the family.

Sure helps to have an artist
in the family.

Who's leaving?

Who's leaving?

Betty? Kiki?

Betty? Kiki?

Me.

Me.

You?

You?

What, is that so hard to believe?

What, is that so hard to believe?

You can't leave the diner, Debbie.
You ARE the diner.

You can't leave the diner, Debbie.
You ARE the diner.

Besides, what would
we do without you?

Besides, what would
we do without you?

Still complain that your
hash browns aren't crisp enough,

Still complain that your
hash browns aren't crisp enough,

and your soup isn't hot enough...

and your soup isn't hot enough...

Don't think I didn't hear that!

Don't think I didn't hear that!

Make it pretty.

Make it pretty.

There's not something wrong,
is there?

There's not something wrong,
is there?

Hmm?

Hmm?

Oh. Hell, no.

Oh. Hell, no.

It's just that I've spent the last
25 years listening to these boys

It's just that I've spent the last
25 years listening to these boys

complain about not finding a man.

complain about not finding a man.

And, well...I finally found one.

And, well...I finally found one.

Except I'm never home with him.
I mean, how dumb is that?

Except I'm never home with him.
I mean, how dumb is that?

But what will you do?
I don't know.

But what will you do?
I don't know.

There's always some bright new
challenge, some shiny new adventure.

There's always some bright new
challenge, some shiny new adventure.

Like you. You went off
to fuckin' Hollywood.

Like you. You went off
to fuckin' Hollywood.

(Laughs) But I came back
to fuckin' Pittsburgh.

(Laughs) But I came back
to fuckin' Pittsburgh.

What if you wanna come back

What if you wanna come back

but you can't because
someone took your place?

but you can't because
someone took your place?

Honey, when I'm gone, I'm gone.

Honey, when I'm gone, I'm gone.

I'm donating my vest and
my T-shirts to the Smithsonian

I'm donating my vest and
my T-shirts to the Smithsonian

and it is "So long, Liberty Diner,"
and "Hello, liberty!"

and it is "So long, Liberty Diner,"
and "Hello, liberty!"

Wow! That's not a sign,
that's a work of art.

Wow! That's not a sign,
that's a work of art.

Not bad.

Not bad.

It's brilliant.

It's brilliant.

(Laughs) An artist can never have
too high an opinion of himself.

(Laughs) An artist can never have
too high an opinion of himself.

They were gonna be part of
my final school project.

They were gonna be part of
my final school project.

Still can.

Still can.

No, it's too late.

No, it's too late.

After Hollywood
it would feel like a prequel.

After Hollywood
it would feel like a prequel.

And not a very good one.

And not a very good one.

I'm gonna take my time, look around,

I'm gonna take my time, look around,

figure out what to do next.

figure out what to do next.

I've got it!

I've got it!

How about a full-time career in
Pittsburgh's top advertising agency?

How about a full-time career in
Pittsburgh's top advertising agency?

Thanks.

Thanks.

It's time I make my own way
in the world.

It's time I make my own way
in the world.

Just as well,

Just as well,

since I hear the guy who owns it
is about to lose his shirt.

since I hear the guy who owns it
is about to lose his shirt.

I'm sure he'll survive,
as he always does.

I'm sure he'll survive,
as he always does.

Beautifully.

Beautifully.

You going somewhere?

You going somewhere?

To the soon-to-be former Babylon.

To the soon-to-be former Babylon.

Can't let the ship go down
without the captain.

Can't let the ship go down
without the captain.

This club Brett took me to in L.A.
really knew how to work it.

This club Brett took me to in L.A.
really knew how to work it.

There'd be fags lined up
around the block begging to get in.

There'd be fags lined up
around the block begging to get in.

Must've been a hell of a place.

Must've been a hell of a place.

It wasn't that different than here.

It wasn't that different than here.

They just made it seem like it was.

They just made it seem like it was.

Sunshine, how did I ever
get along without you?

Sunshine, how did I ever
get along without you?

You didn't.

You didn't.

I was at the Maisonette
for 12 years,

I was at the Maisonette
for 12 years,

then I did a 10-year stint
at Charlie's... (Coughs hideously)

then I did a 10-year stint
at Charlie's... (Coughs hideously)

It's...smoker's...cough. (Hacks)

It's...smoker's...cough. (Hacks)

And for the past 19 years
I've been at Buddha's Garden,

And for the past 19 years
I've been at Buddha's Garden,

the health food restaurant.

the health food restaurant.

So why did you leave?
Owner died.

So why did you leave?
Owner died.

I think he OD'd on tofu burgers.
(Laughs)

I think he OD'd on tofu burgers.
(Laughs)

(Coughs violently)
Well...

(Coughs violently)
Well...

You certainly do qualify,
so, um, I'll be in touch.

You certainly do qualify,
so, um, I'll be in touch.

Thanks. (Hacks)

Thanks. (Hacks)

Oh, by the way,

Oh, by the way,

is there a place around here
I can get some cigarettes?

is there a place around here
I can get some cigarettes?

Yeah. Liberty Liquor,
right down the street.

Yeah. Liberty Liquor,
right down the street.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Hey, Deb, it's almost time!

Hey, Deb, it's almost time!

DEB: I'm comin'!

DEB: I'm comin'!

Ready for the big premiere?

Ready for the big premiere?

And it should be a great weekend
for sports. Jake?

And it should be a great weekend
for sports. Jake?

Thanks, Bud.
I know I'll be watching.

Thanks, Bud.
I know I'll be watching.

Well, up next, a guy who's
not exactly an iron man,

Well, up next, a guy who's
not exactly an iron man,

but, uh, hopefully he can score
a few points with our viewers.

but, uh, hopefully he can score
a few points with our viewers.

Tonight, we introduce the newest
member of the Channel 5 News team -

Tonight, we introduce the newest
member of the Channel 5 News team -

offering life from
a different perspective,

offering life from
a different perspective,

our very own Queer Guy.

our very own Queer Guy.

Thanks, Jake.

Thanks, Jake.

I'm Emmett Honeycutt,

I'm Emmett Honeycutt,

your Queer Guy,

your Queer Guy,

here to give you insights and tips
on how to make your life

here to give you insights and tips
on how to make your life

more fab... (Stumbles)
..better.

more fab... (Stumbles)
..better.

You didn't tell me he was
the Queer Guy for 'The 700 Club'!

You didn't tell me he was
the Queer Guy for 'The 700 Club'!

Shush!

Shush!

So, guys... (Clears throat)
I mean, men...

So, guys... (Clears throat)
I mean, men...

..say you're about to lean in
and kiss your girl.

..say you're about to lean in
and kiss your girl.

You've brushed your teeth,
combed your hair,

You've brushed your teeth,
combed your hair,

even splashed on your aftershave.

even splashed on your aftershave.

But didn't you forget something?

But didn't you forget something?

That's right -

That's right -

we're talking about
those pesky nose hairs!

we're talking about
those pesky nose hairs!

Nothing turns the ladies off

Nothing turns the ladies off

more than a jungle
coming out of your nostrils.

more than a jungle
coming out of your nostrils.

A handy pair of scissors
will do the trick.

A handy pair of scissors
will do the trick.

Nose hairs?

Nose hairs?

That's his big opening number?

That's his big opening number?

I mean, would 'West Side Story' open

I mean, would 'West Side Story' open

with the Sharks and Jets
clipping away?

with the Sharks and Jets
clipping away?

Would 'Fiddler' open with Tevye
trimming on the roof?

Would 'Fiddler' open with Tevye
trimming on the roof?

Would 'Phantom of the Opera' open...
Got it!

Would 'Phantom of the Opera' open...
Got it!

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Yeah, have a seat, hon,
I'll get your order in a minute.

Yeah, have a seat, hon,
I'll get your order in a minute.

I'd like to apply for the job.

I'd like to apply for the job.

In the window.

In the window.

It says 'Enquire within'.

It says 'Enquire within'.

So...

So...

..I'm enquiring...

..I'm enquiring...

..within.

..within.

Well, in that case...

Well, in that case...

..step into my office.

..step into my office.

Next date, don't forget to gargle,
don't forget to snip.

Next date, don't forget to gargle,
don't forget to snip.

Back to you, Jake.

Back to you, Jake.

Thank you, Queer Guy,
for that queer advice.

Thank you, Queer Guy,
for that queer advice.

Up next...

Up next...

..are umbrellas in our future?

..are umbrellas in our future?

Johnny Memphis will be here
with the five-day forecast.

Johnny Memphis will be here
with the five-day forecast.

My name's Loretta Pye.

My name's Loretta Pye.

With a 'Y'.

With a 'Y'.

I'm Debbie. With an 'I-E'.

I'm Debbie. With an 'I-E'.

So, Loretta,
you done much waitressing?

So, Loretta,
you done much waitressing?

Well, does waiting
on my husband count?

Well, does waiting
on my husband count?

Depends on the tips.

Depends on the tips.

(Chuckles) Not too good.

(Chuckles) Not too good.

Other than that, I haven't
had much experience,

Other than that, I haven't
had much experience,

but, um...

but, um...

..but now I need a job.

..but now I need a job.

Did your husband...pass on?

Did your husband...pass on?

Oh, um...

Oh, um...

..he's very much alive.

..he's very much alive.

He threw me out.

He threw me out.

He came home unexpectedly from work

He came home unexpectedly from work

and he caught me kissing
my friend Sherilyn.

and he caught me kissing
my friend Sherilyn.

We were making cinnamon buns,
you know?

We were making cinnamon buns,
you know?

It was a one-time thing.

It was a one-time thing.

I mean, she's married,
she's got three kids,

I mean, she's married,
she's got three kids,

it was spur-of-the-moment.

it was spur-of-the-moment.

I mean, we were licking
the icing spoon

I mean, we were licking
the icing spoon

and one lick led to another and...

and one lick led to another and...

Shouldn't have told you all that.

Shouldn't have told you all that.

He always said I talk too much.

He always said I talk too much.

You can say whatever
the fuck you want.

You can say whatever
the fuck you want.

Hell, you oughtta hear me. (Laughs)

Hell, you oughtta hear me. (Laughs)

But, um, listen,
working here isn't easy.

But, um, listen,
working here isn't easy.

You know, there's taking orders,
there's balancing plates,

You know, there's taking orders,
there's balancing plates,

there's making sure the customers
keep their pants on -

there's making sure the customers
keep their pants on -

literally.

literally.

I'm a real fast learner. All my
teachers at school used to say so.

I'm a real fast learner. All my
teachers at school used to say so.

And I promise I'll work hard.

And I promise I'll work hard.

Maybe so, honey, it's just...
OK, look.

Maybe so, honey, it's just...
OK, look.

I know I don't have
any qualifications.

I know I don't have
any qualifications.

It's just that I also know
I can't go home.

It's just that I also know
I can't go home.

So if you could just
give me a chance...

So if you could just
give me a chance...

Freshen your cup?

Freshen your cup?

(Chuckles) Mh.

(Chuckles) Mh.

MAN: Now, it used to be the
definition of a mother was simple.

MAN: Now, it used to be the
definition of a mother was simple.

It was the dear lady
that gave birth to you.

It was the dear lady
that gave birth to you.

She wiped your nose,
she baked you brownies,

She wiped your nose,
she baked you brownies,

and once a year

and once a year

you sent an especially touching
Hallmark greeting to her

you sent an especially touching
Hallmark greeting to her

thanking her for endless sacrifices.

thanking her for endless sacrifices.

(Chuckles)

(Chuckles)

But these days,
it's more complicated.

But these days,
it's more complicated.

There's biological mothers,
surrogate mothers, lesbian mothers.

There's biological mothers,
surrogate mothers, lesbian mothers.

Soon you'll be sending
a card to yourself.

Soon you'll be sending
a card to yourself.

"Thanks for cloning me!"

"Thanks for cloning me!"

But I digress.

But I digress.

Let's get back to your case.

Let's get back to your case.

I'm not sure I have one.
I am.

I'm not sure I have one.
I am.

In other words, I wouldn't be
wasting my time, or Brian's money.

In other words, I wouldn't be
wasting my time, or Brian's money.

In fact, I'd say you have
a damn good one,

In fact, I'd say you have
a damn good one,

based on what you've told me.

based on what you've told me.

You're not gonna use what I told you?

You're not gonna use what I told you?

Everything we've discussed here is,
of course, confidential.

Everything we've discussed here is,
of course, confidential.

But I'd be a fool and
a lousy lawyer if I didn't.

But I'd be a fool and
a lousy lawyer if I didn't.

You mustn't. I said such awful things
about both of them.

You mustn't. I said such awful things
about both of them.

Well, they're true, aren't they?
Well, yes, but...

Well, they're true, aren't they?
Well, yes, but...

Then I'd expect to prove that
you're just as qualified to be...

Then I'd expect to prove that
you're just as qualified to be...

..Jenny Rebecca's parent
as they are,

..Jenny Rebecca's parent
as they are,

to share in the custody.

to share in the custody.

But Melanie's my partner.
Was.

But Melanie's my partner.
Was.

And Michael's a dear, close friend.
We chose him to be our baby's father!

And Michael's a dear, close friend.
We chose him to be our baby's father!

Only, they've betrayed you,

Only, they've betrayed you,

now you can't trust them,

now you can't trust them,

which is why you've come to me.

which is why you've come to me.

Mr Gabriel,

Mr Gabriel,

if I say these things,
the things you want me to say...

if I say these things,
the things you want me to say...

..they'll never forgive me.

..they'll never forgive me.

Never.

Never.

Well, it's a little late
to worry about that.

Well, it's a little late
to worry about that.

Besides, we're not here
to make friends.

Besides, we're not here
to make friends.

But to stoop that low...

But to stoop that low...

That's why you've
got yourself a lawyer -

That's why you've
got yourself a lawyer -

so you won't have to.

so you won't have to.

Did you see that?
What?

Did you see that?
What?

I'm getting cruised by everybody.

I'm getting cruised by everybody.

Did it ever occur to you
they just might be looking at me?

Did it ever occur to you
they just might be looking at me?

Probably to ask if I need help
crossing the street.

Probably to ask if I need help
crossing the street.

(Scoffs) Would you cut it out?
You look great for your age.

(Scoffs) Would you cut it out?
You look great for your age.

I mean for any age.

I mean for any age.

Oh! I guess they must
recognise me from the news.

Oh! I guess they must
recognise me from the news.

Unless one's in the media,

Unless one's in the media,

one doesn't realise
the impact television has on one.

one doesn't realise
the impact television has on one.

One also doesn't realise
how annoying

One also doesn't realise
how annoying

the use of the word 'one' can be
when one keeps repeating it.

the use of the word 'one' can be
when one keeps repeating it.

Alright, Mr Grumpy-Puss.

Alright, Mr Grumpy-Puss.

You'll feel better
once we get to Poppers.

You'll feel better
once we get to Poppers.

You mean you will.

You mean you will.

Standing next to me, you'll look
at least 10 years younger.

Standing next to me, you'll look
at least 10 years younger.

(Scoffs) God.

(Scoffs) God.

Hey, Poppers is this way.

Hey, Poppers is this way.

And Babylon is this way.

And Babylon is this way.

But we don't wanna go to Babylon.

But we don't wanna go to Babylon.

I have to stop by
to give Brian a body count.

I have to stop by
to give Brian a body count.

Apt term for a morgue.

Apt term for a morgue.

Alright. Shouldn't take long. You'll
be able to count 'em on one hand.

Alright. Shouldn't take long. You'll
be able to count 'em on one hand.

What's going on?

What's going on?

Brian's probably
giving blow jobs to the customers.

Brian's probably
giving blow jobs to the customers.

Honestly, he has no shame.

Honestly, he has no shame.

You. Not you.

You. Not you.

Not you. You.

Not you. You.

Hey! Why can't I get in?

Hey! Why can't I get in?

Oh, let him in...on Troll Tuesday.

Oh, let him in...on Troll Tuesday.

Not you...
Where'd all these guys come from?

Not you...
Where'd all these guys come from?

Seems like Babylon
is once again the place to be.

Seems like Babylon
is once again the place to be.

You. Not you. Not you.

You. Not you. Not you.

You.

You.

Brrr. It's chilly out here.

Brrr. It's chilly out here.

Shall we go in?
EMMETT: Let's.

Shall we go in?
EMMETT: Let's.

Whoa, whoa. Not you.

Whoa, whoa. Not you.

Excuse me? (Laughs)
Do you realise who I am?

Excuse me? (Laughs)
Do you realise who I am?

I happen to be
the Channel 5 Queer Guy,

I happen to be
the Channel 5 Queer Guy,

which makes me a very important
homosexual person.

which makes me a very important
homosexual person.

Each of us, in his own way,
is unique and beautiful and special,

Each of us, in his own way,
is unique and beautiful and special,

but that didn't get them in either.

but that didn't get them in either.

(Scoffs)

(Scoffs)

Not you. Not you. You.

Not you. Not you. You.

There's nobody here.

There's nobody here.

Here you go, boys.

Here you go, boys.

That's $100 for you.
Thanks.

That's $100 for you.
Thanks.

$100 for you.
Thanks.

$100 for you.
Thanks.

$100 for you.
Yeah, thanks.

$100 for you.
Yeah, thanks.

And $100 for you.

And $100 for you.

Thanks.
You hired those guys?

Thanks.
You hired those guys?

They seem to be
drawing a nice crowd.

They seem to be
drawing a nice crowd.

See, the concept is
we want people to come in.

See, the concept is
we want people to come in.

What's the rush?

What's the rush?

In L.A., they'd
stand in line all night.

In L.A., they'd
stand in line all night.

This isn't L.A.

This isn't L.A.

Theodore, permit me
to explain something.

Theodore, permit me
to explain something.

Fags are no different than people.

Fags are no different than people.

You tell them they can't have
something and it's all they want.

You tell them they can't have
something and it's all they want.

And they won't give up
until they get it.

And they won't give up
until they get it.

No.

No.

Shall we step outside and allow a
few more of the beautiful people in?

Shall we step outside and allow a
few more of the beautiful people in?

Two Pink Plate Specials.

Two Pink Plate Specials.

(Mouths words)

(Mouths words)

Enjoy it.

Enjoy it.

My knees are shaking.
I'm a nervous wreck.

My knees are shaking.
I'm a nervous wreck.

You're doing fine.

You're doing fine.

Where's our food?
We ordered it a year ago.

Where's our food?
We ordered it a year ago.

BELL RINGS
COOK: Loretta.

BELL RINGS
COOK: Loretta.

It's up now. I'll be right back.

It's up now. I'll be right back.

Oh, God. Which is which?
They all look the same.

Oh, God. Which is which?
They all look the same.

You'd look like this too if you had
melted cheese all over you.

You'd look like this too if you had
melted cheese all over you.

That's a tuna melt, the chicken melt,
that's a veggie melt.

That's a tuna melt, the chicken melt,
that's a veggie melt.

Tuna, chicken...
BOTH: Veggie.

Tuna, chicken...
BOTH: Veggie.

Thank you.

Thank you.

(Mouths words)

(Mouths words)

Veggie, chicken and tuna. Enjoy.

Veggie, chicken and tuna. Enjoy.

Hey, I don't want fries.
I'm watching my carbs.

Hey, I don't want fries.
I'm watching my carbs.

Bring me some slaw.
Mm-hm.

Bring me some slaw.
Mm-hm.

I guess you'll be doing
extra crunches at the gym,

I guess you'll be doing
extra crunches at the gym,

'cause we don't substitute unless
there's a please with the request.

'cause we don't substitute unless
there's a please with the request.

Enjoy.

Enjoy.

Most of these boys are princes.

Most of these boys are princes.

Once in a while, you get a queen,

Once in a while, you get a queen,

and when you do, you've got to
tell him where to stick his sceptre.

and when you do, you've got to
tell him where to stick his sceptre.

I don't know if I can do that.
MAN 2: Waitress!

I don't know if I can do that.
MAN 2: Waitress!

This is a diner, honey.
It's kill or be killed.

This is a diner, honey.
It's kill or be killed.

Waitress! (Snaps fingers) Christ!

Waitress! (Snaps fingers) Christ!

Somebody gonna wait on me

Somebody gonna wait on me

or do I sit here for three days
like the lemon bars?

or do I sit here for three days
like the lemon bars?

(Whispers) Kill or be killed.

(Whispers) Kill or be killed.

Well? You gonna stand there and pose
or are you gonna take my order?

Well? You gonna stand there and pose
or are you gonna take my order?

That'll be a milkshake
and a bowl of chicken broth.

That'll be a milkshake
and a bowl of chicken broth.

Why would I want that?

Why would I want that?

Because the next time
you snap your fingers at me,

Because the next time
you snap your fingers at me,

the only way you're gonna be able
to suck anything is through a straw.

the only way you're gonna be able
to suck anything is through a straw.

By George, she's fucking got it!

By George, she's fucking got it!

Yes!

Yes!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Don? Don? Got a minute?

Don? Don? Got a minute?

I have an idea for my next segment
I'd like to run by you.

I have an idea for my next segment
I'd like to run by you.

(Chuckles) Hey, buddy.

(Chuckles) Hey, buddy.

I'm already starting to feel
like a member of the team.

I'm already starting to feel
like a member of the team.

Now then, I'd like to explore
a seldom spoken-of condition

Now then, I'd like to explore
a seldom spoken-of condition

that plagues over
40% of all straight men.

that plagues over
40% of all straight men.

An enlarged prostate?

An enlarged prostate?

Wearing brown shoes
with black slacks.

Wearing brown shoes
with black slacks.

A common fashion faux pas that,
humiliating as it may be,

A common fashion faux pas that,
humiliating as it may be,

can be easily corrected.

can be easily corrected.

Humiliating, huh?

Humiliating, huh?

Well...except on some men...
such as yourself

Well...except on some men...
such as yourself

who have the self-confidence
to carry it off.

who have the self-confidence
to carry it off.

Look, Emmett, I'm sorry,

Look, Emmett, I'm sorry,

but after tomorrow,
'The Queer Guy' is cancelled.

but after tomorrow,
'The Queer Guy' is cancelled.

You... Cancelled?

You... Cancelled?

Yep.

Yep.

But I-I-I've only been on once.

But I-I-I've only been on once.

That was enough. The audience didn't
buy it and neither did management.

That was enough. The audience didn't
buy it and neither did management.

Look, we wanted a queer guy

Look, we wanted a queer guy

and frankly, you're
just not queer enough.

and frankly, you're
just not queer enough.

My client was under the impression
that Ms Peterson had agreed

My client was under the impression
that Ms Peterson had agreed

to work out a custody agreement
of their own

to work out a custody agreement
of their own

after matters between Ms Marcus
and Mr Novotny were settled.

after matters between Ms Marcus
and Mr Novotny were settled.

Well, why should my client trust
Ms Marcus to consider her interests

Well, why should my client trust
Ms Marcus to consider her interests

when she enlisted your services
without her knowledge?

when she enlisted your services
without her knowledge?

And considering they're in the midst
of what we could label a divorce,

And considering they're in the midst
of what we could label a divorce,

Ms Peterson has
every reason and right

Ms Peterson has
every reason and right

to engage her own legal counsel.

to engage her own legal counsel.

Alright, Tom, I think we can accept
the fact that you're here

Alright, Tom, I think we can accept
the fact that you're here

and have no intentions of leaving.

and have no intentions of leaving.

However, I would like to point out

However, I would like to point out

that your client has no
legal claims to this child

that your client has no
legal claims to this child

since she's neither the biological
nor the adoptive mother.

since she's neither the biological
nor the adoptive mother.

Come on, Bud, she lived
in a common-law arrangement

Come on, Bud, she lived
in a common-law arrangement

with your client for 10 years.

with your client for 10 years.

They had a commitment ceremony.

They had a commitment ceremony.

She was the primary caregiver
of their first child.

She was the primary caregiver
of their first child.

She inseminated your client
with Mr Novotny's sperm,

She inseminated your client
with Mr Novotny's sperm,

supported her through her pregnancy.

supported her through her pregnancy.

While she was having an affair.

While she was having an affair.

It's a single sexual encounter.

It's a single sexual encounter.

I-I-I didn't realise
just one time doesn't count.

I-I-I didn't realise
just one time doesn't count.

For which I have
apologised ad nauseum.

For which I have
apologised ad nauseum.

TOM: I would also like to point out

TOM: I would also like to point out

that Ms Marcus has engaged
in her own infidelities.

that Ms Marcus has engaged
in her own infidelities.

That was before we were married.

That was before we were married.

Excuse me, but
what the hell's an affair

Excuse me, but
what the hell's an affair

got to do with being a good parent?

got to do with being a good parent?

More to the point, Ms Marcus,
on more than one occasion,

More to the point, Ms Marcus,
on more than one occasion,

has endangered the life
of her unborn child

has endangered the life
of her unborn child

by refusing to listen
to her own doctor's orders,

by refusing to listen
to her own doctor's orders,

overworking
to the point of exhaustion,

overworking
to the point of exhaustion,

almost causing a miscarriage.

almost causing a miscarriage.

Is that what you said?
That's a goddamn exaggeration.

Is that what you said?
That's a goddamn exaggeration.

Mel...
I was fine.

Mel...
I was fine.

You were not.

You were not.

Which hardly qualifies her as a
better mother than Ms Peterson -

Which hardly qualifies her as a
better mother than Ms Peterson -

biological or otherwise.

biological or otherwise.

In fact, as biological mother
of their first child,

In fact, as biological mother
of their first child,

I'd say my client was more qualified
than either Ms Marcus or Mr Novotny.

I'd say my client was more qualified
than either Ms Marcus or Mr Novotny.

BUD: Experience is not a
qualification for parenthood.

BUD: Experience is not a
qualification for parenthood.

What first-time parent
has experience?

What first-time parent
has experience?

You learn on the job.

You learn on the job.

The fact remains that your client
has no claims - biological or legal.

The fact remains that your client
has no claims - biological or legal.

What she has is a moral claim.

What she has is a moral claim.

It's far more than Mr Novotny who -
let's face it - is a sperm donor

It's far more than Mr Novotny who -
let's face it - is a sperm donor

with an over-inflated sense
of his own contribution.

with an over-inflated sense
of his own contribution.

Hey!
As well as being morally unfit.

Hey!
As well as being morally unfit.

What are you implying?

What are you implying?

He lives with two HIV-positive men,
one of whom is a male prostitute.

He lives with two HIV-positive men,
one of whom is a male prostitute.

Is that what you told him?

Is that what you told him?

He's a former prostitute
who was abused...by his mother.

He's a former prostitute
who was abused...by his mother.

Mr Novotny also has a history
of recreational drug use,

Mr Novotny also has a history
of recreational drug use,

attending known gay
sexual establishments,

attending known gay
sexual establishments,

who makes his living by writing
a violent pornographic comic book.

who makes his living by writing
a violent pornographic comic book.

I believe it would take a lot
to convince a judge

I believe it would take a lot
to convince a judge

that he has more rights to this baby
than Ms Peterson.

that he has more rights to this baby
than Ms Peterson.

Thanks a lot, Lindsay.

Thanks a lot, Lindsay.

So we have two choices.

So we have two choices.

We can either work out
an equitable agreement

We can either work out
an equitable agreement

between Jenny Rebecca's
three parents...

between Jenny Rebecca's
three parents...

..or we can go to court
and let a judge resolve this.

..or we can go to court
and let a judge resolve this.

It's your decision.

It's your decision.

Lipo. Lipo.

Lipo. Lipo.

Butt lift.

Butt lift.

Lipo and brow lift.

Lipo and brow lift.

Hey, why don't you try
doing a little work

Hey, why don't you try
doing a little work

instead of counting
who's had work done?

instead of counting
who's had work done?

And the point of that would be?

And the point of that would be?

To keep your body, mind and spirit
healthy and in shape?

To keep your body, mind and spirit
healthy and in shape?

(Scoffs)

(Scoffs)

Of course, I personally
don't need it.

Of course, I personally
don't need it.

I only do this
so guys can check out my ass.

I only do this
so guys can check out my ass.

(Both chuckle)

(Both chuckle)

Yeah, well, check back with me
when you're 38...5

Yeah, well, check back with me
when you're 38...5

and the sun has begun to set
on your endless summer.

and the sun has begun to set
on your endless summer.

I've been coming to the gym
three times a week for 18 years.

I've been coming to the gym
three times a week for 18 years.

That's - let's see, er...

That's - let's see, er...

12 times a month times 18...

12 times a month times 18...

2,116 hours spent in the gym.

2,116 hours spent in the gym.

And look at me, I'm exactly the same.

And look at me, I'm exactly the same.

I take that back. Actually, there's
more of me instead of less of me.

I take that back. Actually, there's
more of me instead of less of me.

And not where I want it to be.

And not where I want it to be.

So why not just have a little
snip and clip and be done with it.

So why not just have a little
snip and clip and be done with it.

I've been cancelled!

I've been cancelled!

After today, 'Queer Guy' is gone.

After today, 'Queer Guy' is gone.

And do you know why? Because they
thought I wasn't queer enough. ME!

And do you know why? Because they
thought I wasn't queer enough. ME!

I mean, I have been
called many, many things,

I mean, I have been
called many, many things,

but never not queer enough.

but never not queer enough.

It's not only unconscionable,
it's unfathomable.

It's not only unconscionable,
it's unfathomable.

I mean, you saw me. Was I not
the queerest thing on God's earth?

I mean, you saw me. Was I not
the queerest thing on God's earth?

Actually, you seemed a little bit...
Reserved.

Actually, you seemed a little bit...
Reserved.

Reserved?

Reserved?

You know, just not
your usual flamboyant self.

You know, just not
your usual flamboyant self.

Well, I'm a newsman now.

Well, I'm a newsman now.

I had to lower the flame a bit.

I had to lower the flame a bit.

I mean, I figured if I was too
flamboyant, I might turn people off.

I mean, I figured if I was too
flamboyant, I might turn people off.

But instead, they turned you off.

But instead, they turned you off.

I believe there's
a profound life lesson in this.

I believe there's
a profound life lesson in this.

(Sighs) They hired you because they
didn't want some stiff straight guy

(Sighs) They hired you because they
didn't want some stiff straight guy

who looks like
he has a poker up his ass.

who looks like
he has a poker up his ass.

They wanted some gay guy who looked
like he had a fist up his ass.

They wanted some gay guy who looked
like he had a fist up his ass.

They wanted you - Emmett Honeycutt.

They wanted you - Emmett Honeycutt.

Queerest, nelliest ho-ho-homo

Queerest, nelliest ho-ho-homo

in the ho-ho-whole wide world.

in the ho-ho-whole wide world.

You haven't touched your drink.

You haven't touched your drink.

(Scoffs) I didn't buy it to drink,
I bought it to stare into dejectedly.

(Scoffs) I didn't buy it to drink,
I bought it to stare into dejectedly.

You're doing a hell of a job.

You're doing a hell of a job.

Not half the job
that Lindsay's lawyer did on me.

Not half the job
that Lindsay's lawyer did on me.

He made me sound like
some kind of depraved drug user.

He made me sound like
some kind of depraved drug user.

Pornographer. Sex fiend.

Pornographer. Sex fiend.

Don't change your hair for me.
Not if you care for me.

Don't change your hair for me.
Not if you care for me.

Fuck off.

Fuck off.

Nice to see you two
out enjoying yourselves.

Nice to see you two
out enjoying yourselves.

Although, now that you've
settled into domestic bliss,

Although, now that you've
settled into domestic bliss,

I assumed you no longer frequented
such dubious establishments.

I assumed you no longer frequented
such dubious establishments.

Nothing wrong with
having a drink with our friends.

Nothing wrong with
having a drink with our friends.

Yeah. Notice keyword - friends.

Yeah. Notice keyword - friends.

You hired that lawyer
for Lindsay, didn't you?

You hired that lawyer
for Lindsay, didn't you?

Never mind. It's obvious.
How else could she afford him?

Never mind. It's obvious.
How else could she afford him?

She can barely afford her apartment.

She can barely afford her apartment.

If Brian wants to pay
for Lindsay's lawyer,

If Brian wants to pay
for Lindsay's lawyer,

it's his money
and none of our business.

it's his money
and none of our business.

Well said, Professor.
The hell it's not.

Well said, Professor.
The hell it's not.

You're my friend -
I thought my best friend.

You're my friend -
I thought my best friend.

I am.

I am.

Then why are you helping her?
I would've done it for you.

Then why are you helping her?
I would've done it for you.

What you can do for me
is stay out of it.

What you can do for me
is stay out of it.

Thanks to your unbiased generosity,

Thanks to your unbiased generosity,

we're now splitting
Jenny Rebecca three ways.

we're now splitting
Jenny Rebecca three ways.

These gays having kids. Now, I ask
you, what's the world coming to?

These gays having kids. Now, I ask
you, what's the world coming to?

Lindsay's her parent too.

Lindsay's her parent too.

She has as much right
to share custody as you and Mel.

She has as much right
to share custody as you and Mel.

You know, sometimes, I swear,

You know, sometimes, I swear,

it's like I don't even
know who the fuck he is anymore.

it's like I don't even
know who the fuck he is anymore.

Be sure to schedule
those Queer Guys for tomorrow, OK?

Be sure to schedule
those Queer Guys for tomorrow, OK?

OK, everybody. (Claps)

OK, everybody. (Claps)

MAN: Places, everyone.

MAN: Places, everyone.

And we're back from commercial

And we're back from commercial

in five, four, three, two, one.

in five, four, three, two, one.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Emmett Honeycutt,
your Queer Guy

I'm Emmett Honeycutt,
your Queer Guy

and certified member
of the Four 'F' Club -

and certified member
of the Four 'F' Club -

that's fashion, food, furnishings

that's fashion, food, furnishings

and, er, we'll save
the last 'F' for cable.

and, er, we'll save
the last 'F' for cable.

Now, for my final segment,

Now, for my final segment,

I'm gonna show you
how a little fairy dust

I'm gonna show you
how a little fairy dust

can transform even
the most hopeless of heteros.

can transform even
the most hopeless of heteros.

Oh, here's a sorry specimen.

Oh, here's a sorry specimen.

And you are?
Clem.

And you are?
Clem.

Clem! Is that
short for Clementine? (Laughs)

Clem! Is that
short for Clementine? (Laughs)

I didn't think so.

I didn't think so.

Now, Clem,
my discerning Queer Guy eye

Now, Clem,
my discerning Queer Guy eye

tells me that you could use
some Divine intervention.

tells me that you could use
some Divine intervention.

Unfortunately, she's dead.

Unfortunately, she's dead.

But don't worry, Queer Guy can help -
starting with the hair.

But don't worry, Queer Guy can help -
starting with the hair.

A little product. (Hums)

A little product. (Hums)

Work it in. Work it in.
Work it up from the roots.

Work it in. Work it in.
Work it up from the roots.

Very cool.

Very cool.

Now, what's with
the schmata you're wearing?

Now, what's with
the schmata you're wearing?

Fortunately, I always
travel with a spare.

Fortunately, I always
travel with a spare.

There you go.

There you go.

That's a helpful little tip
for all you hot, sweaty men.

That's a helpful little tip
for all you hot, sweaty men.

(Laughs)

(Laughs)

Not everyone can carry off
cotton-candy pink. Yes.

Not everyone can carry off
cotton-candy pink. Yes.

And one more thing.

And one more thing.

The good Lord gave us
two eyebrows for a reason -

The good Lord gave us
two eyebrows for a reason -

to separate us from the apes.

to separate us from the apes.

Alright.

Alright.

And...

And...

..there.

..there.

Welcome to civilisation.

Welcome to civilisation.

(Laughs)

(Laughs)

Who knew you'd turn out
to be such a hottie? (Laughs)

Who knew you'd turn out
to be such a hottie? (Laughs)

I'm Emmett Honeycutt
and that's your Queer Guy minute.

I'm Emmett Honeycutt
and that's your Queer Guy minute.

MAN: And we're out.

MAN: And we're out.

(All applaud)

(All applaud)

GUS: Hi, Mommy.

GUS: Hi, Mommy.

Hey! Look who's here!

Hey! Look who's here!

OK, Gus, how about
we get a nice apple?

OK, Gus, how about
we get a nice apple?

Look what I made you.

Look what I made you.

Hmm. Just what he needs - sugar.

Hmm. Just what he needs - sugar.

One's not gonna kill him.

One's not gonna kill him.

You can scrape him off the ceiling
at 2:00 in the morning.

You can scrape him off the ceiling
at 2:00 in the morning.

You feed him what you want,

You feed him what you want,

when he's with me,
I'll feed him what I want.

when he's with me,
I'll feed him what I want.

Unless you tell your lawyer I'm
abusing him by feeding him brownies.

Unless you tell your lawyer I'm
abusing him by feeding him brownies.

I was only
looking after my own interests.

I was only
looking after my own interests.

You can say that again.
Same as you.

You can say that again.
Same as you.

I told you I'd take care of it,
but that wasn't good enough,

I told you I'd take care of it,
but that wasn't good enough,

so you got what you wanted
by discrediting me,

so you got what you wanted
by discrediting me,

by making it seem
like I was a lousy mother.

by making it seem
like I was a lousy mother.

I didn't start this custody battle,

I didn't start this custody battle,

but I'll be damned
if I was gonna lose Jenny Rebecca

but I'll be damned
if I was gonna lose Jenny Rebecca

because I didn't stand up for myself.

because I didn't stand up for myself.

So when do you plan
to take our daughter?

So when do you plan
to take our daughter?

The lawyers will set up a schedule,

The lawyers will set up a schedule,

then we can fight over who gets
Tuesdays and who gets Thursdays.

then we can fight over who gets
Tuesdays and who gets Thursdays.

You surprise me.

You surprise me.

I had no idea
you were such a killer.

I had no idea
you were such a killer.

I learned from the master.

I learned from the master.

Well, Pete, that's it.

Well, Pete, that's it.

I just delivered
my last Pink Plate Special.

I just delivered
my last Pink Plate Special.

We're gonna miss you, Deb.

We're gonna miss you, Deb.

Nah.

Nah.

I'll walk out the front door,

I'll walk out the front door,

they'll be so busy chowing down,
they won't even notice.

they'll be so busy chowing down,
they won't even notice.

Deb, we've got a disaster
at table three.

Deb, we've got a disaster
at table three.

Loretta, honey, I'm sure
whatever it is, you can handle it.

Loretta, honey, I'm sure
whatever it is, you can handle it.

Nothing in boot camp
prepared me for this. Please!

Nothing in boot camp
prepared me for this. Please!

Alright. I'm coming.

Alright. I'm coming.

I can't imagine what's
so fucking important that you'd...

I can't imagine what's
so fucking important that you'd...

(All sing)
# For she's a jolly good homo

(All sing)
# For she's a jolly good homo

# For she's a jolly good homo

# For she's a jolly good homo

# For she's a jolly good homo

# For she's a jolly good homo

# Which nobody can deny. #

# Which nobody can deny. #

(All cheer and applaud)

(All cheer and applaud)

Take it off!

Take it off!

Speech!

Speech!

I don't know what to say...

I don't know what to say...

..except now I know why we don't
have a gay men's chorus.

..except now I know why we don't
have a gay men's chorus.

(All laugh)
Hey!

(All laugh)
Hey!

But it's the sentiment that counts.

But it's the sentiment that counts.

And in that department,
you are all stars.

And in that department,
you are all stars.

You will always be in my heart.

You will always be in my heart.

Just like this place.

Just like this place.

Always.

Always.

And you're in good hands here
with Loretta.

And you're in good hands here
with Loretta.

Alright, she's aces.
Don't give her any shit.

Alright, she's aces.
Don't give her any shit.

She was trained by me
and she can give it right back.

She was trained by me
and she can give it right back.

(Laughs)

(Laughs)

Remember to order a vegetable
once in a while.

Remember to order a vegetable
once in a while.

It's not gonna kill you.

It's not gonna kill you.

And put a quarter or a bill
there in the jar up front.

And put a quarter or a bill
there in the jar up front.

It's for the Vic Grassi House, a
cause that is near and dear to me...

It's for the Vic Grassi House, a
cause that is near and dear to me...

..like all of you.

..like all of you.

(All applaud)

(All applaud)

(Whistles) We love you, Deb.

(Whistles) We love you, Deb.

Thanks for everything, Deb.

Thanks for everything, Deb.

(Mouths words)

(Mouths words)

Yeah, Mom, thanks for everything.

Yeah, Mom, thanks for everything.

I'm surprised to see you here.

I'm surprised to see you here.

I've been coming here all my life.

I've been coming here all my life.

I remember sitting
in that booth right over there

I remember sitting
in that booth right over there

every day after school.

every day after school.

It was my seat.

It was my seat.

And you'd bring me...
A butter crunch sundae.

And you'd bring me...
A butter crunch sundae.

While I did my homework.

While I did my homework.

And all the kids were so jealous.

And all the kids were so jealous.

And then when my birthday
rolled around, you'd come to class

And then when my birthday
rolled around, you'd come to class

with cupcakes and milkshakes and
serve all the kids in your uniform.

with cupcakes and milkshakes and
serve all the kids in your uniform.

Some of your little classmates
even gave me tips.

Some of your little classmates
even gave me tips.

They all thought I was pretty lucky.

They all thought I was pretty lucky.

I was pretty lucky.

I was pretty lucky.

You didn't feel that way
the other day.

You didn't feel that way
the other day.

I know how hard it was
for you...raising me alone.

I know how hard it was
for you...raising me alone.

And you did more
than make the best of it.

And you did more
than make the best of it.

You were the best.

You were the best.

You're such a silly boy.

You're such a silly boy.

TECHNO BLARES

TECHNO BLARES

To Babylon,
still here and still queer.

To Babylon,
still here and still queer.

Even though it would've
made a hell of a Starbucks.

Even though it would've
made a hell of a Starbucks.

I'll have a tall vodka latte please.

I'll have a tall vodka latte please.

OK, let 'em in.

OK, let 'em in.

That is if there's anyone to let in.

That is if there's anyone to let in.

Holy shit! Would you look
how long that line is!

Holy shit! Would you look
how long that line is!

It's long, but is it real?

It's long, but is it real?

As the immortal Jeff Stryker once
said, "You bet your ass it is."

As the immortal Jeff Stryker once
said, "You bet your ass it is."

Can you believe we got in?!

Can you believe we got in?!

Who cares if it's twice
as much as Poppers.

Who cares if it's twice
as much as Poppers.

Hey! You got in!

Hey! You got in!

It wasn't easy. I had to
bribe the doorman 20 bucks.

It wasn't easy. I had to
bribe the doorman 20 bucks.

Oh, my God. It's the Queer Guy.

Oh, my God. It's the Queer Guy.

I saw you on TV. You're fabulous.

I saw you on TV. You're fabulous.

Well, when one has the eye.

Well, when one has the eye.

May I have a dance
with the Queer Guy?

May I have a dance
with the Queer Guy?

You could use some tips
on how to shake your tush.

You could use some tips
on how to shake your tush.

You. Not you. Not you.

You. Not you. Not you.

(Laughs) Well, I guarantee

(Laughs) Well, I guarantee

you'll never find anything like this
at Pottery Barn.

you'll never find anything like this
at Pottery Barn.

And I'll refrain from mentioning

And I'll refrain from mentioning

you will not see bananas like this
at Banana Republic.

you will not see bananas like this
at Banana Republic.

(Snorts loudly)

(Snorts loudly)

So, you up for
a little celebrating? (Cackles)

So, you up for
a little celebrating? (Cackles)