Queer as Folk (2000–2005): Season 5, Episode 1 - Move and Leave - full transcript

SONG: # One, two, three, four,
five, six, take it down!

SONG: # One, two, three, four,
five, six, take it down!

'CUE THE PULSE TO BEGIN'
BY BURNSIDE PROJECT PLAYS

'CUE THE PULSE TO BEGIN'
BY BURNSIDE PROJECT PLAYS

# Cue the pulse to begin

# Cue the pulse to begin

# Cue the pulse to begin

# Cue the pulse to begin

# Cue the pulse to begin

# Cue the pulse to begin

# Cue the pulse to begin. #



# Cue the pulse to begin. #

MAN: In a world of shadow,
where the undead stalk the night,

MAN: In a world of shadow,
where the undead stalk the night,

Rage and Zephyr struggle to escape
the land of the clones.

Rage and Zephyr struggle to escape
the land of the clones.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

DRAMATIC MUSIC

TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS

TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS

You know what amazes me?
What?

You know what amazes me?
What?

Outside, a child is born,
a man dies, a couple gets married.

Outside, a child is born,
a man dies, a couple gets married.

The ever-changing
kaleidoscope of life.



The ever-changing
kaleidoscope of life.

(Snorts and groans)

(Snorts and groans)

In here...nothing changes.

In here...nothing changes.

Everything's the same - the same
hot guys, the same thumpa-thumpa,

Everything's the same - the same
hot guys, the same thumpa-thumpa,

the same shaved chests.

the same shaved chests.

Hmm. Mmm. And what a comfort
it is to know.

Hmm. Mmm. And what a comfort
it is to know.

But it's all a lie, an illusion.
Just cheap theatrics.

But it's all a lie, an illusion.
Just cheap theatrics.

Nevertheless, let's keep dancing.

Nevertheless, let's keep dancing.

I promised Ben
I'd be home by midnight.

I promised Ben
I'd be home by midnight.

Oh, pathetic!

Oh, pathetic!

Well, be sure
to thank your husband for me

Well, be sure
to thank your husband for me

for allowing you to come out and play
with your poor, lonely friend.

for allowing you to come out and play
with your poor, lonely friend.

I notice you left out 'old'.

I notice you left out 'old'.

Well, you'll be a lot less lonely

Well, you'll be a lot less lonely

when you're reunited
with your beloved.

when you're reunited
with your beloved.

Hey, you better not say anything.

Hey, you better not say anything.

When have I ever...?

When have I ever...?

Fine, never mind.

Fine, never mind.

I give you my word.

I give you my word.

Swear to it, on the memory
of Marilyn Monroe.

Swear to it, on the memory
of Marilyn Monroe.

I swear on the memory
of Marilyn Monroe

I swear on the memory
of Marilyn Monroe

that I will not tell Justin that
you are flying to L.A. this weekend

that I will not tell Justin that
you are flying to L.A. this weekend

to surprise him
and that you love him

to surprise him
and that you love him

and you miss him more than
words can express.

and you miss him more than
words can express.

Oh! Who said anything about that?

Oh! Who said anything about that?

Look, you don't fool me,
Mr 'I Am a Rock, I Am a Island'.

Look, you don't fool me,
Mr 'I Am a Rock, I Am a Island'.

I know how hard
this has been for you.

I know how hard
this has been for you.

Hmm. You have no idea,
Mikey, how hard.

Hmm. You have no idea,
Mikey, how hard.

(Both moan and pant)

(Both moan and pant)

Hey, Todd. How's it going?

Hey, Todd. How's it going?

TODD: Fine.

TODD: Fine.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

MAN: Hey, dickhead, turn off
your fuckin' cell phone!

MAN: Hey, dickhead, turn off
your fuckin' cell phone!

What's up?

What's up?

Just lying here
eating a bag of Doritos,

Just lying here
eating a bag of Doritos,

reading 'The Brothers Karamazov'.

reading 'The Brothers Karamazov'.

What about you?

What about you?

'Anna Karenina' and Pringles.

'Anna Karenina' and Pringles.

(Justin laughs)

(Justin laughs)

I always said it was our love
of Russian literature

I always said it was our love
of Russian literature

and snacks high in saturated fat
that brought us together.

and snacks high in saturated fat
that brought us together.

(Laughs) So how's work?

(Laughs) So how's work?

Up to my ass in storyboards.

Up to my ass in storyboards.

But Brett is thrilled.

But Brett is thrilled.

He says he never could have
envisioned the project without me.

He says he never could have
envisioned the project without me.

He's even talking about a sequel.

He's even talking about a sequel.

My superhero.

My superhero.

Only trouble is preproduction's
slower than we expected,

Only trouble is preproduction's
slower than we expected,

so I might have to stay
longer than I thought.

so I might have to stay
longer than I thought.

How much longer?

How much longer?

Another three months, maybe four.

Another three months, maybe four.

The studio is screaming,
but Brett says not to worry,

The studio is screaming,
but Brett says not to worry,

that it happens all the time.

that it happens all the time.

You're not pissed, are you?

You're not pissed, are you?

Why the fuck would I be pissed?

Why the fuck would I be pissed?

I told you before you went out there,

I told you before you went out there,

the only reason I'd be pissed
is if you didn't go.

the only reason I'd be pissed
is if you didn't go.

So when are you coming out here?

So when are you coming out here?

You'd fucking love it.

You'd fucking love it.

You never know
when I just might drop in.

You never know
when I just might drop in.

Well, you better hurry.

Well, you better hurry.

The way things are going,
I'll be doing 'Son of Rage'.

The way things are going,
I'll be doing 'Son of Rage'.

I miss you.

I miss you.

(Clears throat)

(Clears throat)

Hey, you take care of yourself,
you hear?

Hey, you take care of yourself,
you hear?

Do the best work you can
and have the best time you can.

Do the best work you can
and have the best time you can.

That's all that matters.

That's all that matters.

(Hangs up)

(Hangs up)

(Moans)

(Moans)

(Moans deeply)

(Moans deeply)

(Gurgles)

(Gurgles)

BEN: She has your big button eyes
and your dimples

BEN: She has your big button eyes
and your dimples

and your adorable nose.

and your adorable nose.

Well, she's got one thing of Mel's
that I don't have.

Well, she's got one thing of Mel's
that I don't have.

She's so young, it's hard to tell
exactly who she looks like.

She's so young, it's hard to tell
exactly who she looks like.

At this point, she's just
a sleep, eat and poop machine.

At this point, she's just
a sleep, eat and poop machine.

Oh, yeah, but she's our little
sleep, eat and poop machine.

Oh, yeah, but she's our little
sleep, eat and poop machine.

Sweet dreams, honey bun.

Sweet dreams, honey bun.

Honey bun?

Honey bun?

It's just what my mother
used to call me.

It's just what my mother
used to call me.

Which reminds me,
she said to tell you

Which reminds me,
she said to tell you

that she's coming by tomorrow
to see the baby.

that she's coming by tomorrow
to see the baby.

Oh, well, would you
have her call first?

Oh, well, would you
have her call first?

She's not pestering you, is she?

She's not pestering you, is she?

'Cause if she is, just tell me.
I hate it when she pesters.

'Cause if she is, just tell me.
I hate it when she pesters.

Are you sure you guys
don't need any groceries?

Are you sure you guys
don't need any groceries?

Got enough diapers?
What about talcum powder?

Got enough diapers?
What about talcum powder?

We're all set.
We've got everything under control.

We're all set.
We've got everything under control.

Of course they do.

Of course they do.

After all these years,
they're like a finetuned machine.

After all these years,
they're like a finetuned machine.

I can't wait to be an
old married couple.

I can't wait to be an
old married couple.

Don't rush it.
It's nice to be newlyweds too.

Don't rush it.
It's nice to be newlyweds too.

Hmm. How many years has it been?
200.

Hmm. How many years has it been?
200.

10. This week, actually.

10. This week, actually.

10's a biggie. Have you planned
anything special?

10's a biggie. Have you planned
anything special?

We're taking a pass this year.
Too tired, too busy.

We're taking a pass this year.
Too tired, too busy.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Just remember, if there's
anything you need...

Just remember, if there's
anything you need...

(Laughs) When your tits
start lactating, call me.

(Laughs) When your tits
start lactating, call me.

(Laughs)

(Laughs)

'Bye!
WOMEN: 'Bye!

'Bye!
WOMEN: 'Bye!

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

You were good.

You were good.

So were you.

So were you.

Practice makes perfect.

Practice makes perfect.

But we're gonna have to
tell them eventually.

But we're gonna have to
tell them eventually.

They have to know
I'm not living here.

They have to know
I'm not living here.

Of course they need to know.

Of course they need to know.

And they will, eventually.

And they will, eventually.

DEBBIE: I just want to grab
some pantyhose and my lasagne pan.

DEBBIE: I just want to grab
some pantyhose and my lasagne pan.

CARL: I don't think I can help you
with the pantyhose

CARL: I don't think I can help you
with the pantyhose

but...don't I have enough
pans at my house?

but...don't I have enough
pans at my house?

What, that old collection
of TV dinner tins?

What, that old collection
of TV dinner tins?

(Carl laughs)

(Carl laughs)

Speaking of collections, I've gotta
remember to bring my glass clowns.

Speaking of collections, I've gotta
remember to bring my glass clowns.

Wait, you just brought over
all those owls

Wait, you just brought over
all those owls

with all those...eyes.

with all those...eyes.

With all the stuff
you've been hauling over,

With all the stuff
you've been hauling over,

we might as well be living here.

we might as well be living here.

Carl?

Carl?

What?

What?

(Sighs) Shit, I don't know
how to say this.

(Sighs) Shit, I don't know
how to say this.

You? Not know how to say something?

You? Not know how to say something?

(Laughs)

(Laughs)

It's about your place.

It's about your place.

What's the matter with my place?

What's the matter with my place?

Nothing. No. No, nothing's
the matter with your place.

Nothing. No. No, nothing's
the matter with your place.

It's just...it's not this place.

It's just...it's not this place.

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

We've had endless discussions
about where we were gonna live.

We've had endless discussions
about where we were gonna live.

You said you didn't want to be here.

You said you didn't want to be here.

There were too many sad memories.

There were too many sad memories.

It's true, and at the time,

It's true, and at the time,

all I could think about
was losing Vic.

all I could think about
was losing Vic.

But since I've been gone,

But since I've been gone,

all the happy memories
are starting to come back

all the happy memories
are starting to come back

and they're even
beating out the sad ones.

and they're even
beating out the sad ones.

I've lived in this house
almost 30 years.

I've lived in this house
almost 30 years.

That's practically
all of Michael's life.

That's practically
all of Michael's life.

There were days when we could barely
muster up the mortgage and...

There were days when we could barely
muster up the mortgage and...

..and days when we partied
all night long,

..and days when we partied
all night long,

and that didn't even count
birthdays and holidays. (Laughs)

and that didn't even count
birthdays and holidays. (Laughs)

This house is a part of me.

This house is a part of me.

And I've never been
away from it until now.

And I've never been
away from it until now.

There's nothing...nothing wrong
with your place, sweetheart.

There's nothing...nothing wrong
with your place, sweetheart.

I've loved being there with you.

I've loved being there with you.

But I want to come home.

But I want to come home.

Honey...

Honey...

..it's like I said
from the start.

..it's like I said
from the start.

It's up to you.

It's up to you.

Wherever you are is home to me.

Wherever you are is home to me.

Really?

Really?

Really? (Weeps)

Really? (Weeps)

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, yeah!
(Pants)

Oh, yeah!
(Pants)

Fuck me like you need me! Come on!

Fuck me like you need me! Come on!

(Both moan deeply)

(Both moan deeply)

CLATTERING

CLATTERING

Welcome home.

Welcome home.

You know, every time
you see a stuffed animal,

You know, every time
you see a stuffed animal,

you don't have to buy it.

you don't have to buy it.

I can't help it.
I want my girl to have everything.

I can't help it.
I want my girl to have everything.

Excuse us.

Excuse us.

MUFFLED TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS

MUFFLED TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS

What are they giving me a look for?
This isn't a fucking back room!

What are they giving me a look for?
This isn't a fucking back room!

This party has been going on
since last night.

This party has been going on
since last night.

PARTYGOERS SHOUT

PARTYGOERS SHOUT

BEN: Michael!
I'm just curious.

BEN: Michael!
I'm just curious.

Fags packed to the rafters.
One of them looks just like...

Fags packed to the rafters.
One of them looks just like...

Hey, dudes, you're home.

Hey, dudes, you're home.

Why aren't you?

Why aren't you?

Jason and Troy asked me if we had
the new Christina Aguilera CD,

Jason and Troy asked me if we had
the new Christina Aguilera CD,

so I loaned them ours.

so I loaned them ours.

That'll be the last we see of that,
thank you very much.

That'll be the last we see of that,
thank you very much.

You don't belong over there with
guys who've been partying all night.

You don't belong over there with
guys who've been partying all night.

I was just trying to be neighbourly.
And maybe cop a little weed.

I was just trying to be neighbourly.
And maybe cop a little weed.

You should be studying
for your mid-terms.

You should be studying
for your mid-terms.

Crack those books, pal.

Crack those books, pal.

Here, give me the ice-cream.
I'll put it in the freezer.

Here, give me the ice-cream.
I'll put it in the freezer.

(Scoffs)

(Scoffs)

Did they seem kind of cranky to you?
Who?

Did they seem kind of cranky to you?
Who?

Mel and Linz.

Mel and Linz.

No more than usual.

No more than usual.

I mean, you know,
they're both probably exhausted.

I mean, you know,
they're both probably exhausted.

They must be, not to want to
celebrate their 10th anniversary.

They must be, not to want to
celebrate their 10th anniversary.

Between breastfeeding
and changing diapers,

Between breastfeeding
and changing diapers,

I'm sure planning a celebration's
the last thought on their minds.

I'm sure planning a celebration's
the last thought on their minds.

Maybe we should think of it for them.

Maybe we should think of it for them.

I hope, on our 10th anniversary,
we're not too tired to celebrate.

I hope, on our 10th anniversary,
we're not too tired to celebrate.

(Laughs)

(Laughs)

I seriously doubt
that would ever happen.

I seriously doubt
that would ever happen.

DOOR OPENS

DOOR OPENS

Hey, I thought when you got married,
you fucked less.

Hey, I thought when you got married,
you fucked less.

Mmm.
Mmm.

Mmm.
Mmm.

WOMAN: That's perfect.
Yeah, we'll go with that one.

WOMAN: That's perfect.
Yeah, we'll go with that one.

MAN: Alright. I'll tell the client.

MAN: Alright. I'll tell the client.

Counting down the hours, Bri?

Counting down the hours, Bri?

I'd be too, you lucky bastard.

I'd be too, you lucky bastard.

Zooming off to Los Angeles
for a little 'Sunshine'. (Laughs)

Zooming off to Los Angeles
for a little 'Sunshine'. (Laughs)

But... Mm! Before you fly away,
we need to go over some figures.

But... Mm! Before you fly away,
we need to go over some figures.

How many bear claws
you've consumed this morning?

How many bear claws
you've consumed this morning?

I'm writing down a number.

I'm writing down a number.

Oh, I get it.
I'm supposed to guess what it is?

Oh, I get it.
I'm supposed to guess what it is?

Then what, we become
the new Siegfried and Roy?

Then what, we become
the new Siegfried and Roy?

That's how much Kinnetic made
last quarter.

That's how much Kinnetic made
last quarter.

That's not too shabby.
Not too shabby?!

That's not too shabby.
Not too shabby?!

For being in business a year,
it's over the fuckin' moon!

For being in business a year,
it's over the fuckin' moon!

So what are you planning
to do with it?

So what are you planning
to do with it?

It's all yours.

It's all yours.

I meant the profits.

I meant the profits.

Of course, you could always
pump it back into the business

Of course, you could always
pump it back into the business

but, uh, I'd caution you against
expanding too quickly.

but, uh, I'd caution you against
expanding too quickly.

I might say the same thing to you.

I might say the same thing to you.

As far as stocks and bonds,
to get a good rate,

As far as stocks and bonds,
to get a good rate,

you'd have to go out to
the middle of the 24th century.

you'd have to go out to
the middle of the 24th century.

So what do you suggest?

So what do you suggest?

The best investment there is -
yourself.

The best investment there is -
yourself.

Spend it on you.
You've worked like a sonofabitch.

Spend it on you.
You've worked like a sonofabitch.

You went through hell and back
with your, uh...

You went through hell and back
with your, uh...

But, thank God, you're OK.

But, thank God, you're OK.

So...treat yourself
to something special.

So...treat yourself
to something special.

Go buy a new toy.

Go buy a new toy.

I've got dildos up the ass.

I've got dildos up the ass.

I mean that little extravagance
you thought you could never afford.

I mean that little extravagance
you thought you could never afford.

Like a...shiny red Ferrari

Like a...shiny red Ferrari

or perhaps a Warhol
to hang in the loft.

or perhaps a Warhol
to hang in the loft.

Or...how about something for Justin,
like his own personal Learjet

Or...how about something for Justin,
like his own personal Learjet

so he can wing back and forth
from the coast to visit you.

so he can wing back and forth
from the coast to visit you.

Well, I'm sure you'll come up with
something to delight yourself with.

Well, I'm sure you'll come up with
something to delight yourself with.

Mmm.

Mmm.

MAN: So cute!

MAN: So cute!

I'm Devon's biological father
and Monty's Ondine's biodad.

I'm Devon's biological father
and Monty's Ondine's biodad.

Same mom, however.

Same mom, however.

It was important to us
that they be related.

It was important to us
that they be related.

Finally got the kids down. I had to
sing 'Under the Sea' six times.

Finally got the kids down. I had to
sing 'Under the Sea' six times.

(Laughs)
You do perform it brilliantly.

(Laughs)
You do perform it brilliantly.

Your kids are so adorable.
Yeah.

Your kids are so adorable.
Yeah.

Oh, thanks. Eli tells me
you just had one of your own.

Oh, thanks. Eli tells me
you just had one of your own.

Jenny Rebecca.
But we call her J.R.

Jenny Rebecca.
But we call her J.R.

I love that!

I love that!

But we're not parenting like you.
No.

But we're not parenting like you.
No.

Melanie and Lindsay, our lesbian
friends, are the primary parents.

Melanie and Lindsay, our lesbian
friends, are the primary parents.

Well, if you ever do decide
to raise one of your own,

Well, if you ever do decide
to raise one of your own,

this is the perfect
neighbourhood to do it.

this is the perfect
neighbourhood to do it.

We have a huge backyard.
There's a Gymboree down the block.

We have a huge backyard.
There's a Gymboree down the block.

And they're even
putting in a BabyGap.

And they're even
putting in a BabyGap.

Oh!

Oh!

It's funny, when I was a kid,

It's funny, when I was a kid,

we weren't even allowed to come
over here - it was too dangerous.

we weren't even allowed to come
over here - it was too dangerous.

Now the only danger is if they run
out of wasabi peas at Whole Foods.

Now the only danger is if they run
out of wasabi peas at Whole Foods.

(Laughs) Leave it to the queers
to turn dross into gold.

(Laughs) Leave it to the queers
to turn dross into gold.

That's no fairytale.

That's no fairytale.

Ever since the gays moved in,
started fixing things up,

Ever since the gays moved in,
started fixing things up,

real estate prices have soared.

real estate prices have soared.

You guys ever think about moving?

You guys ever think about moving?

Hey, Scott.
Oh, hi!

Hey, Scott.
Oh, hi!

Oh, my God! You look fabulous!

Oh, my God! You look fabulous!

BEN: Excuse me, partner.

BEN: Excuse me, partner.

Like a different world, isn't it,

Like a different world, isn't it,

between here and where
Eli and Monty live?

between here and where
Eli and Monty live?

Mm. You want to stop in for a drink?

Mm. You want to stop in for a drink?

Oh, I got a lecture to prepare.

Oh, I got a lecture to prepare.

So...how did you like their house?

So...how did you like their house?

They did a great job.
Yeah.

They did a great job.
Yeah.

It's amazing how much
that neighbourhood has changed.

It's amazing how much
that neighbourhood has changed.

Ugh! I wish this one would.

Ugh! I wish this one would.

What's a used condom or two?

What's a used condom or two?

Besides, the apartment is too small
for the three of us.

Besides, the apartment is too small
for the three of us.

And that building's
like a gay dorm.

And that building's
like a gay dorm.

It's not that bad.

It's not that bad.

Not if you're 24 and want to fuck
everything that moves, or...Brian.

Not if you're 24 and want to fuck
everything that moves, or...Brian.

We're past all that, aren't we?

We're past all that, aren't we?

Sure.

Sure.

So, uh, what do you think about
getting a place of our own?

So, uh, what do you think about
getting a place of our own?

You really want to move.

You really want to move.

Well, I bet, between the two of us,
we can afford it.

Well, I bet, between the two of us,
we can afford it.

Maybe so, but this is where we live,
where I've lived my whole life.

Maybe so, but this is where we live,
where I've lived my whole life.

I don't know if I want to pick up
and leave just like that.

I don't know if I want to pick up
and leave just like that.

Well, it was just a thought.

Well, it was just a thought.

(Reads) "Charming, spacious
apartment to share.

(Reads) "Charming, spacious
apartment to share.

"Own bedroom, private bath, no pets.
Bottoms only need apply."

"Own bedroom, private bath, no pets.
Bottoms only need apply."

Perfect.

Perfect.

So who asked you to leave,
Deborah or Horvath?

So who asked you to leave,
Deborah or Horvath?

Neither. They didn't have to.

Neither. They didn't have to.

The look on their faces
must have been priceless

The look on their faces
must have been priceless

when they found you entertaining.

when they found you entertaining.

Deb wanted to watch
and have a Q&A afterwards.

Deb wanted to watch
and have a Q&A afterwards.

(Laughs) No doubt.
What about Horvath?

(Laughs) No doubt.
What about Horvath?

Did you ever see 'The Blob'?
Mm-hm.

Did you ever see 'The Blob'?
Mm-hm.

Remember the look on
the old farmer's face

Remember the look on
the old farmer's face

just before it devoured him?

just before it devoured him?

"Argh!"
Mm-hm.

"Argh!"
Mm-hm.

So I've decided to spare
everyone the discomfort

So I've decided to spare
everyone the discomfort

of going through
another embarrassing scene -

of going through
another embarrassing scene -

quietly fold my tent and move on.

quietly fold my tent and move on.

Teddy, how many of those
power bars have you had?

Teddy, how many of those
power bars have you had?

Who's counting?

Who's counting?

I am, and that's your fourth.

I am, and that's your fourth.

Do you know the number of carbs
in those things,

Do you know the number of carbs
in those things,

not to mention the calories?

not to mention the calories?

So I'll burn them off.

So I'll burn them off.

Honey, you'd have to go up in flames.

Honey, you'd have to go up in flames.

Look, I...I know
you don't want to hear this,

Look, I...I know
you don't want to hear this,

so please, please promise me
you won't take it the wrong way,

so please, please promise me
you won't take it the wrong way,

but as your friend, I feel
it's my obligation to tell you,

but as your friend, I feel
it's my obligation to tell you,

you're getting a little, um...

you're getting a little, um...

A little what?

A little what?

A little...hardy.

A little...hardy.

I mean, uh...robust.

I mean, uh...robust.

I mean...
Fat.

I mean...
Fat.

Fat? You think I'm fat?

Fat? You think I'm fat?

Well, let's put it this way -
if you start singing, it's all over.

Well, let's put it this way -
if you start singing, it's all over.

(Scoffs) I'll have you know,
I'm not fat.

(Scoffs) I'll have you know,
I'm not fat.

I'm just...I'm bulking up.

I'm just...I'm bulking up.

You know, I was a shadow of
my former self when I was on crystal

You know, I was a shadow of
my former self when I was on crystal

and I shed quite a few pounds
during the Liberty Ride.

and I shed quite a few pounds
during the Liberty Ride.

And I happen to think
I look pretty damn good.

And I happen to think
I look pretty damn good.

And obviously...so does he.

And obviously...so does he.

Hmm!

Hmm!

Who knew you could catch twinkies
by stuffing them in your mouth?

Who knew you could catch twinkies
by stuffing them in your mouth?

Hi. How are you?
Hey.

Hi. How are you?
Hey.

Alright, I'm off to find new digs.

Alright, I'm off to find new digs.

Ta.

Ta.

Hey, shall we take a peek
in the steam room

Hey, shall we take a peek
in the steam room

and see what's lurking in the mist?

and see what's lurking in the mist?

I can't. Brett's calling from L.A.

I can't. Brett's calling from L.A.

He wants my input on a couple of
story points for the screenplay.

He wants my input on a couple of
story points for the screenplay.

You know, stuff Rage might say.

You know, stuff Rage might say.

Hmm.

Hmm.

"Zowee, Zephyr,
check out that supercock"?

"Zowee, Zephyr,
check out that supercock"?

Something like that.
(Chuckles)

Something like that.
(Chuckles)

Besides, I thought you had
a plane to catch.

Besides, I thought you had
a plane to catch.

Justin's gonna be so excited
when you show up.

Justin's gonna be so excited
when you show up.

I'm not going. Trip's cancelled.

I'm not going. Trip's cancelled.

But I thought you had
all these plans to surprise him.

But I thought you had
all these plans to surprise him.

I guess the surprise is
there's not gonna be one.

I guess the surprise is
there's not gonna be one.

MAN: Reverend Swineheart,
Rage's nemesis

MAN: Reverend Swineheart,
Rage's nemesis

and sworn enemy of queers everywhere,

and sworn enemy of queers everywhere,

preaches his message of hate
from his pulpit,

preaches his message of hate
from his pulpit,

while deep in the catacombs
of the church,

while deep in the catacombs
of the church,

Rage hangs,
suspended above the flames,

Rage hangs,
suspended above the flames,

his hands bound
in really hot leather restraints.

his hands bound
in really hot leather restraints.

Meanwhile, J.T. races to the rescue.

Meanwhile, J.T. races to the rescue.

Mr Keller says
they need the storyboards

Mr Keller says
they need the storyboards

for the catacomb sequence
now, now, now.

for the catacomb sequence
now, now, now.

Tell him I'm hurrying
as fast as I can, can, can.

Tell him I'm hurrying
as fast as I can, can, can.

Pray my hand holds out.

Pray my hand holds out.

You look all out of breath.

You look all out of breath.

(Laughs) I'm just trying to finish
these storyboards

(Laughs) I'm just trying to finish
these storyboards

for a certain demanding tyrant.

for a certain demanding tyrant.

Oh, those? Forget it.
I've got incredible news.

Oh, those? Forget it.
I've got incredible news.

And other than a legion of studio
executives, agents, publicists,

And other than a legion of studio
executives, agents, publicists,

managers and both trade papers,
you are the very first to hear it.

managers and both trade papers,
you are the very first to hear it.

We just signed someone to play Rage.

We just signed someone to play Rage.

Who? Who?

Who? Who?

This is the movies.

This is the movies.

Instead of telling you,
I'll show you.

Instead of telling you,
I'll show you.

Conor.
Hey, man.

Conor.
Hey, man.

Where have you been?

Where have you been?

Oh, he's just back from doing
a kabuki version of 'Much Ado'

Oh, he's just back from doing
a kabuki version of 'Much Ado'

off-off-off-off Broadway.

off-off-off-off Broadway.

What a change from working
with those Hollywood hacks

What a change from working
with those Hollywood hacks

who aspire to nothing more
than mediocrity!

who aspire to nothing more
than mediocrity!

Still, you don't have any problem
picking up that pay cheque, do you?

Still, you don't have any problem
picking up that pay cheque, do you?

Well, get ready to do
some serious acting.

Well, get ready to do
some serious acting.

We start flying lessons on Monday.

We start flying lessons on Monday.

I thought you turned down the part.

I thought you turned down the part.

Oh, the director convinced me
it would be good for my career -

Oh, the director convinced me
it would be good for my career -

show everyone I'm a straight guy who
has no problems playing gay frappe.

show everyone I'm a straight guy who
has no problems playing gay frappe.

(Sniggers)

(Sniggers)

Alright, stuffed eggplant,
Caprese salad, hummus,

Alright, stuffed eggplant,
Caprese salad, hummus,

and the piece de resistance,

and the piece de resistance,

fried chicken, which is not
really fried but baked -

fried chicken, which is not
really fried but baked -

but baked to taste like fried
so nobody feels guilty.

but baked to taste like fried
so nobody feels guilty.

Mel and Linz will go out of
their minds when we show up.

Mel and Linz will go out of
their minds when we show up.

I can't thank you enough, Em.
My pleasure, sweetie.

I can't thank you enough, Em.
My pleasure, sweetie.

What's this?

What's this?

Oh, a casserole I made
to take along.

Oh, a casserole I made
to take along.

Millet, leeks and soy cheese.

Millet, leeks and soy cheese.

Are you sure you're not a lesbian?

Are you sure you're not a lesbian?

Oopsie.

Oopsie.

The kitchen's so tiny,
you can barely turn around.

The kitchen's so tiny,
you can barely turn around.

Care to dance? (Laughs)

Care to dance? (Laughs)

Which isn't too much of a stretch,

Which isn't too much of a stretch,

considering Baby Babylon
blasting across the way.

considering Baby Babylon
blasting across the way.

Tell me about it.

Tell me about it.

Why are his firm, manly tits
in a twist?

Why are his firm, manly tits
in a twist?

He thinks the building's
turning into a den of iniquity -

He thinks the building's
turning into a den of iniquity -

sex, drugs, cruising...

sex, drugs, cruising...

OK, so those are the advantages.
What are the liabilities?

OK, so those are the advantages.
What are the liabilities?

That basically we've
outgrown this place.

That basically we've
outgrown this place.

Well, let's face it, honey,
you are Sadie Sadie Married Lady

Well, let's face it, honey,
you are Sadie Sadie Married Lady

with the hubby and piglets
to prove it.

with the hubby and piglets
to prove it.

I, on the other hand,
remain wantonly single,

I, on the other hand,
remain wantonly single,

so if you're moving out,
maybe I should move back in.

so if you're moving out,
maybe I should move back in.

We're not moving.

We're not moving.

PARTYGOERS SHOUT,
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

PARTYGOERS SHOUT,
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Would you look at this?

Would you look at this?

It's like homo central!

It's like homo central!

MAN: Bite me!
Calm down.

MAN: Bite me!
Calm down.

They're just young and having fun.
We were that age once, remember?

They're just young and having fun.
We were that age once, remember?

That's exactly the point.
We're not that age anymore.

That's exactly the point.
We're not that age anymore.

It's time to move to a house
on a street like Eli and Monty.

It's time to move to a house
on a street like Eli and Monty.

Buying a house is not like
buying a CD or a sweater.

Buying a house is not like
buying a CD or a sweater.

Even if we did decide to do it,

Even if we did decide to do it,

first we'd have to review our
finances, check out the numbers.

first we'd have to review our
finances, check out the numbers.

Right, Em?

Right, Em?

Oh, I'd say...checking out
the numbers is essential.

Oh, I'd say...checking out
the numbers is essential.

Trying to dispose of a large sum
of expendable income

Trying to dispose of a large sum
of expendable income

is more exhausting
than one might think.

is more exhausting
than one might think.

Who ever said the world was fair?

Who ever said the world was fair?

Next time, you'll think twice
before becoming a success.

Next time, you'll think twice
before becoming a success.

Oh. You're not doing so bad yourself.

Oh. You're not doing so bad yourself.

Ben wants us to buy a house

Ben wants us to buy a house

in that new area where
all the gay couples are moving.

in that new area where
all the gay couples are moving.

Oh, and become Stepford fags?

Oh, and become Stepford fags?

Maybe you should get a new place.
A house in the country?

Maybe you should get a new place.
A house in the country?

I hate the fucking country.

I hate the fucking country.

A yacht?
Right.

A yacht?
Right.

Pittsburgh - the new St Tropez.

Pittsburgh - the new St Tropez.

A ride on the space shuttle?

A ride on the space shuttle?

I'm a tad shy of 20-mill.

I'm a tad shy of 20-mill.

How about a bottle of wine for
Mel and Linz's anniversary bash?

How about a bottle of wine for
Mel and Linz's anniversary bash?

Who says I'll be there?

Who says I'll be there?

Well, I figured, since
you cancelled your trip...

Well, I figured, since
you cancelled your trip...

It doesn't mean I'm gonna be raising
a glass to their marathon muffathon.

It doesn't mean I'm gonna be raising
a glass to their marathon muffathon.

That...is a distinct possibility.

That...is a distinct possibility.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Can you imagine eating pussy -
the same pussy - for 10 years?

Can you imagine eating pussy -
the same pussy - for 10 years?

No, but I don't suppose they could
fathom sucking the same cock.

No, but I don't suppose they could
fathom sucking the same cock.

That makes three of us.

That makes three of us.

Unless it's Justin's.

Unless it's Justin's.

It's a shame you couldn't go to L.A.

It's a shame you couldn't go to L.A.

I'm busy. He's busy.

I'm busy. He's busy.

We're all busy.

We're all busy.

I just hope he gets back soon so we
can finish the next issue of 'Rage'.

I just hope he gets back soon so we
can finish the next issue of 'Rage'.

He's not coming back.

He's not coming back.

What do you mean
he's not coming back?

What do you mean
he's not coming back?

Did he tell you that?
He didn't have to.

Did he tell you that?
He didn't have to.

When we spoke, all he said was
he'd have to be there longer...

When we spoke, all he said was
he'd have to be there longer...

Listen, Mikey... Are you listening?

Listen, Mikey... Are you listening?

Yes! For Christ's sake,
I'm listening.

Yes! For Christ's sake,
I'm listening.

Just figure it out for yourself.

Just figure it out for yourself.

First it's three months,
then it's six months.

First it's three months,
then it's six months.

One project turns into another
and another and before you know it...

One project turns into another
and another and before you know it...

..he's there a year, five years.

..he's there a year, five years.

(Both moan and pant)

(Both moan and pant)

That's the way it goes.

That's the way it goes.

(Both moan and pant)

(Both moan and pant)

I mean, I don't blame him.

I mean, I don't blame him.

He's having the time of his life.
He's working in the movies.

He's having the time of his life.
He's working in the movies.

He's fucking movie stars.

He's fucking movie stars.

(Both moan and pant)

(Both moan and pant)

MICHAEL: That doesn't mean
he's never coming home.

MICHAEL: That doesn't mean
he's never coming home.

Who the hell would come back
to Pittsburgh after L.A.?

Who the hell would come back
to Pittsburgh after L.A.?

I mean, if it was me,
I'd never come back.

I mean, if it was me,
I'd never come back.

SIREN WAILS IN THE DISTANCE

SIREN WAILS IN THE DISTANCE

He's not you.

He's not you.

Well...it's time he got on
with his life.

Well...it's time he got on
with his life.

It's time I got on with mine.

It's time I got on with mine.

I can't believe how someone so little
could have so much poop in them.

I can't believe how someone so little
could have so much poop in them.

You might just grow up
to be a lawyer.

You might just grow up
to be a lawyer.

KNOCK AT DOOR

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hey, Mel.

Hey, Mel.

Hey, Michael.
What you up to?

Hey, Michael.
What you up to?

Changing you-know-who's you-know-what
for the billionth time today.

Changing you-know-who's you-know-what
for the billionth time today.

Is that how you're gonna spend
your 10th anniversary?

Is that how you're gonna spend
your 10th anniversary?

Got a better idea?

Got a better idea?

As a matter of fact...

As a matter of fact...

PEOPLE: Surprise!

PEOPLE: Surprise!

(People laugh)

(People laugh)

Surprise!

Surprise!

Oh, how's my granddaughter?

Oh, how's my granddaughter?

I haven't seen you forever.

I haven't seen you forever.

Well, yeah, not since this morning.

Well, yeah, not since this morning.

Hello, sweetheart.

Hello, sweetheart.

Wipe the dyke-in-the-headlights look
off your face.

Wipe the dyke-in-the-headlights look
off your face.

You're having a surprise party,

You're having a surprise party,

courtesy of Aunty Em's
Special Occasions.

courtesy of Aunty Em's
Special Occasions.

And you don't have to lift a finger.
Everything's been taken care of.

And you don't have to lift a finger.
Everything's been taken care of.

WOMAN: Hey, happy 10th, Mel.

WOMAN: Hey, happy 10th, Mel.

EMMETT: Food
in the dining room, please.

EMMETT: Food
in the dining room, please.

Where's Linz?

Where's Linz?

(Gasps) Uh...

(Gasps) Uh...

She went to the grocery store...
with Gus.

She went to the grocery store...
with Gus.

We wanna surprise her too.
Oh! She'll be surprised.

We wanna surprise her too.
Oh! She'll be surprised.

Would you excuse me for a second?
Uh-huh.

Would you excuse me for a second?
Uh-huh.

(People chat downstairs)

(People chat downstairs)

LINDSAY ON PHONE: Hello?
Hey, it's me.

LINDSAY ON PHONE: Hello?
Hey, it's me.

Is something wrong?
Yeah, fuckin' right.

Is something wrong?
Yeah, fuckin' right.

Something's wrong.
With the baby?

Something's wrong.
With the baby?

No, uh... No, it's not with the baby.

No, uh... No, it's not with the baby.

Just get your ass over here quick.
Why?

Just get your ass over here quick.
Why?

They're giving us
a fuckin' surprise party.

They're giving us
a fuckin' surprise party.

TED: Well, Emmett's done it again.

TED: Well, Emmett's done it again.

This food's great.

This food's great.

She must really be stocking up.
Mm.

She must really be stocking up.
Mm.

You know, double coupons.

You know, double coupons.

Mmm! Mmm!
Uh-huh?

Mmm! Mmm!
Uh-huh?

That's good.

That's good.

Is Teddy getting tubby?

Is Teddy getting tubby?

Huh, considering the adorableness
of his new beau,

Huh, considering the adorableness
of his new beau,

I'd say fat's the new thin.

I'd say fat's the new thin.

So Where have you been?
I barely see you since I moved back.

So Where have you been?
I barely see you since I moved back.

Um, actually, I've been out
looking for a place.

Um, actually, I've been out
looking for a place.

A place? For what?

A place? For what?

To live.

To live.

Why the hell would you do that?

Why the hell would you do that?

It's not 'cause we walked in and
found you fuckin' some guy, is it?

It's not 'cause we walked in and
found you fuckin' some guy, is it?

Well...

Well...

That was just a case
of bad timing, that's all.

That was just a case
of bad timing, that's all.

I mean, it's kind of funny,
actually, when you think about it.

I mean, it's kind of funny,
actually, when you think about it.

I'm not sure that Carl found it
to be the laugh-riot you did.

I'm not sure that Carl found it
to be the laugh-riot you did.

Oh, well, don't worry about Carl.
He'll get used to it.

Oh, well, don't worry about Carl.
He'll get used to it.

He shouldn't have to.

He shouldn't have to.

The house should be the two of yours,
not the three of ours.

The house should be the two of yours,
not the three of ours.

But he'll never be Blanche
when I'm playing Baby Jane.

But he'll never be Blanche
when I'm playing Baby Jane.

He doesn't have the shoulders
or the eyebrows.

He doesn't have the shoulders
or the eyebrows.

Come on, you think he's gonna take
me to sing-along 'Wizard of Oz',

Come on, you think he's gonna take
me to sing-along 'Wizard of Oz',

or get dishy with me
during the award shows,

or get dishy with me
during the award shows,

or pull my face back
and tell me how much work I need?

or pull my face back
and tell me how much work I need?

In other words...

In other words...

..Em...

..Em...

..you're irreplaceable.

..you're irreplaceable.

We both have to face it, Deb.

We both have to face it, Deb.

Life with your detective
does not include me.

Life with your detective
does not include me.

What the hell took you so long?

What the hell took you so long?

I had to wake up Gus,
get him dressed.

I had to wake up Gus,
get him dressed.

Here she is!

Here she is!

Oh, hey!
Surprise!

Oh, hey!
Surprise!

Oh!

Oh!

Isn't that great,
our friends throwing us

Isn't that great,
our friends throwing us

a surprise party for our anniversary?

a surprise party for our anniversary?

Where are the groceries?
The groceries?

Where are the groceries?
The groceries?

Oh, they're being
delivered tomorrow.

Oh, they're being
delivered tomorrow.

Oh.

Oh.

EMMETT: Does everyone
have champagne?

EMMETT: Does everyone
have champagne?

You can't toast without a glass.

You can't toast without a glass.

We know how exhausted you two are.

We know how exhausted you two are.

We couldn't let this landmark go by
without a little celebration.

We couldn't let this landmark go by
without a little celebration.

10 years is quite an achievement.

10 years is quite an achievement.

I'll say.

I'll say.

Now, more than ever,
it's important people know

Now, more than ever,
it's important people know

that a gay couple can be just as
committed as any straight couple.

that a gay couple can be just as
committed as any straight couple.

To Mel and Linz!
ALL: To Mel and Linz!

To Mel and Linz!
ALL: To Mel and Linz!

Speech from the old married couple!
Come on!

Speech from the old married couple!
Come on!

There is something we'd like to say.

There is something we'd like to say.

No, there isn't.

No, there isn't.

Now's not the right time.

Now's not the right time.

When is the right time?

When is the right time?

The right time for what?

The right time for what?

I think you all should know...
How much we appreciate this.

I think you all should know...
How much we appreciate this.

Would you stop?!

Would you stop?!

SILENCE

SILENCE

We can't hide it anymore.
It isn't fair.

We can't hide it anymore.
It isn't fair.

Thank you for all your good wishes.

Thank you for all your good wishes.

But, you see, Melanie and I
are having some problems.

But, you see, Melanie and I
are having some problems.

I wasn't having any problems.
I was trying to have a baby.

I wasn't having any problems.
I was trying to have a baby.

Alright, I'm the one responsible
for all the problems.

Alright, I'm the one responsible
for all the problems.

Damn right, you are.
For which I've apologised endlessly.

Damn right, you are.
For which I've apologised endlessly.

But you still refuse
to accept the fact...

But you still refuse
to accept the fact...

That fucking Sam Auerbach
had nothing to do with sex!

That fucking Sam Auerbach
had nothing to do with sex!

It was all about art! All the humping
was about form and function?!

It was all about art! All the humping
was about form and function?!

The truth is
we haven't been living together

The truth is
we haven't been living together

since our daughter was born.

since our daughter was born.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

MAN 1: Who turned on the lights?!

MAN 1: Who turned on the lights?!

MAN 2: What the fuck's going on?
MAN 3: Turn them off!

MAN 2: What the fuck's going on?
MAN 3: Turn them off!

Turn the fucking lights back off!
Jesus Christ!

Turn the fucking lights back off!
Jesus Christ!

Gentlemen!

Gentlemen!

May I have your attention?

May I have your attention?

This club is officially closed.

This club is officially closed.

So pull up your pants and go home.

So pull up your pants and go home.

OFFICER: Let's go, come on. Come on.

OFFICER: Let's go, come on. Come on.

Let's go, everybody.

Let's go, everybody.

Party's over, let's go.

Party's over, let's go.

That includes you.
Just wait a second.

That includes you.
Just wait a second.

(Pants)

(Pants)

(Moans)

(Moans)

Oh!

Oh!

Thanks, Officer.

Thanks, Officer.

I'll do the same for you one day.

I'll do the same for you one day.

I come here every day
to be with the baby.

I come here every day
to be with the baby.

And so I can be with Gus.

And so I can be with Gus.

Then Gus and I
go back to the apartment.

Then Gus and I
go back to the apartment.

You have an apartment?

You have an apartment?

Yeah, a small one-bedroom
I've been renting...

Yeah, a small one-bedroom
I've been renting...

(Pointedly) We've been renting.

(Pointedly) We've been renting.

Although, we can
barely afford this place.

Although, we can
barely afford this place.

Gus and I have to live somewhere.
You'd rather we sleep on the street?

Gus and I have to live somewhere.
You'd rather we sleep on the street?

Did I say that?
We're just a little thrown.

Did I say that?
We're just a little thrown.

You got to admit, it's a shock.

You got to admit, it's a shock.

I wanted it all out in the open.
Well, I didn't!

I wanted it all out in the open.
Well, I didn't!

I'm the one who had the baby.

I'm the one who had the baby.

I had enough to deal with without
having to explain to everyone...

I had enough to deal with without
having to explain to everyone...

Look, you've been having
personal problems. We understand.

Look, you've been having
personal problems. We understand.

No, we do not understand!

No, we do not understand!

How could you not say a word
all this time?!

How could you not say a word
all this time?!

When were you gonna tell me?

When were you gonna tell me?

After she grew up, went to college

After she grew up, went to college

and got married
and had children of her own?!

and got married
and had children of her own?!

I have seen you practically
every day since Jenny was born

I have seen you practically
every day since Jenny was born

and it's always been so sweet,
so adorable, the two doting mothers.

and it's always been so sweet,
so adorable, the two doting mothers.

Well, who would have guessed
that it was a big fucking lie?!

Well, who would have guessed
that it was a big fucking lie?!

We made a wrong decision
by not telling you...

We made a wrong decision
by not telling you...

..for which we are truly sorry.

..for which we are truly sorry.

But we've been under
a lot of stress.

But we've been under
a lot of stress.

(Sighs) Oh, ain't that the truth?

(Sighs) Oh, ain't that the truth?

You have no idea how deceit
can raise your blood pressure.

You have no idea how deceit
can raise your blood pressure.

When I agreed to be
the baby's father,

When I agreed to be
the baby's father,

it was because I knew
she would be raised

it was because I knew
she would be raised

in a loving home
with two loving parents,

in a loving home
with two loving parents,

not in some sort of
time-sharing arrangement

not in some sort of
time-sharing arrangement

with complimentary sniping!

with complimentary sniping!

Now, you can make
all the excuses you want,

Now, you can make
all the excuses you want,

but if this is how you plan on
raising our daughter,

but if this is how you plan on
raising our daughter,

then we should never have had her
in the first place!

then we should never have had her
in the first place!

DOOR OPENS

DOOR OPENS

DOOR CLOSES

DOOR CLOSES

TV CHATTERS

TV CHATTERS

(Giggles) God, I love this part.

(Giggles) God, I love this part.

(Laughs)

(Laughs)

Frankly, I've never been too keen
about the 'Grumpy Old Men' movies.

Frankly, I've never been too keen
about the 'Grumpy Old Men' movies.

I love the classics.

I love the classics.

(Laughs)

(Laughs)

Here, have another.
No. No. No, I couldn't.

Here, have another.
No. No. No, I couldn't.

Come on.
No, six is my absolute limit.

Come on.
No, six is my absolute limit.

Come on!
No. No!

Come on!
No. No!

(Growls playfully)
(Chuckles)

(Growls playfully)
(Chuckles)

You know, at this rate, I'm gonna
turn into that guy I saw on TV.

You know, at this rate, I'm gonna
turn into that guy I saw on TV.

He was so fat, they had to remove
a wall to get him out of the house.

He was so fat, they had to remove
a wall to get him out of the house.

Fine by me.
(Laughs)

Fine by me.
(Laughs)

There is something about
the scent of an old guy.

There is something about
the scent of an old guy.

Uh...

Uh...

(Laughs) What?

(Laughs) What?

Makes me so hot.

Makes me so hot.

Oh.

Oh.

The lovely grey flecks...
turning into white.

The lovely grey flecks...
turning into white.

The baby-bottom pink scalp...

The baby-bottom pink scalp...

..peeking through
the little hairs on top.

..peeking through
the little hairs on top.

They're like wild grass
on the beach.

They're like wild grass
on the beach.

And to grab onto those love handles,

And to grab onto those love handles,

while I'm shooting all over

while I'm shooting all over

that big, full belly...

that big, full belly...

Come on, lover...

Come on, lover...

..eat.

..eat.

(Chuckles awkwardly)

(Chuckles awkwardly)

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

(Man clears throat)

(Man clears throat)

(Whispers) Shawn, honey,
I told you to stay in my room.

(Whispers) Shawn, honey,
I told you to stay in my room.

I'm not Shawn, honey.

I'm not Shawn, honey.

Ooh... (Laughs nervously)
Clearly.

Ooh... (Laughs nervously)
Clearly.

Hand me the cranberry juice.

Hand me the cranberry juice.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I've been meaning for us
to have, a...a powwow.

I've been meaning for us
to have, a...a powwow.

Although, I never imagined it
to be...

Although, I never imagined it
to be...

Au naturel?

Au naturel?

Well, you have
nothing to worry about.

Well, you have
nothing to worry about.

My lust-bunny
is locked away in my room.

My lust-bunny
is locked away in my room.

Even put a gag on his mouth.

Even put a gag on his mouth.

Of course, it was leather
and he begged me to do it.

Of course, it was leather
and he begged me to do it.

(Chuckles)

(Chuckles)

Anyways, um...starting Sunday,

Anyways, um...starting Sunday,

you and Deb will have this place
all to yourselves.

you and Deb will have this place
all to yourselves.

Um...uh, buffalo wings?

Um...uh, buffalo wings?

Deb is very upset you're leaving.

Deb is very upset you're leaving.

Dude, you know how to stop her
from buying everything on QVC.

Dude, you know how to stop her
from buying everything on QVC.

Truth is I'm a little sorry
to see you go myself.

Truth is I'm a little sorry
to see you go myself.

You are?

You are?

Is that such a surprise?

Is that such a surprise?

Frankly, yes.

Frankly, yes.

Most straight men take one look at me
and head for the hills.

Most straight men take one look at me
and head for the hills.

Except for my father.

Except for my father.

He ran me out on a rail.

He ran me out on a rail.

(Sighs) Well, that's his loss.

(Sighs) Well, that's his loss.

You're a good man.

You're a good man.

In fact, considering
the number of hours I work,

In fact, considering
the number of hours I work,

sometimes all night...

sometimes all night...

..I'd be a hell of a lot happier

..I'd be a hell of a lot happier

if knew Deb wasn't
in the house alone.

if knew Deb wasn't
in the house alone.

Carl Horvath,
are you asking me to stay?

Carl Horvath,
are you asking me to stay?

(Chuckles)

(Chuckles)

Doesn't take a detective
to figure that out.

Doesn't take a detective
to figure that out.

But...it's up to you.

But...it's up to you.

Well, what about my sex...
my love-life?

Well, what about my sex...
my love-life?

(Laughs) I bought a sound machine.

(Laughs) I bought a sound machine.

All I hear now is raindrops falling,
rivers flowing, birds chirping.

All I hear now is raindrops falling,
rivers flowing, birds chirping.

Maybe I ought to get one of those.
Pretend I'm fucking in a rainforest.

Maybe I ought to get one of those.
Pretend I'm fucking in a rainforest.

(Chuckles)

(Chuckles)

Oh, I'd better get back to, uh...

Oh, I'd better get back to, uh...

Uh, "Shawn, honey."

Uh, "Shawn, honey."

Hmm.

Hmm.

You know, if, um...
if you were gay,

You know, if, um...
if you were gay,

you'd make one hell of a bear.

you'd make one hell of a bear.

(Chuckles)

(Chuckles)

I told Melanie.
She was sitting right over there.

I told Melanie.
She was sitting right over there.

I said, "Doesn't matter what's
going on between you and Lindsay,

I said, "Doesn't matter what's
going on between you and Lindsay,

"your first responsibility
is that baby."

"your first responsibility
is that baby."

Deb, can I get
a piece of the key lime.

Deb, can I get
a piece of the key lime.

When you finish your meatloaf.

When you finish your meatloaf.

But did they listen?
Obviously not.

But did they listen?
Obviously not.

Instead, they go and destroy
a family.

Instead, they go and destroy
a family.

They turn a happy home
into a broken one.

They turn a happy home
into a broken one.

Without even telling us.

Without even telling us.

Coffee to go, Deb.
You want anything with it?

Coffee to go, Deb.
You want anything with it?

How could you eat
after what happened last night?

How could you eat
after what happened last night?

You're telling me.
Steam's still coming out of my ears.

You're telling me.
Steam's still coming out of my ears.

(Cook rings bell) Hey, Deb!

(Cook rings bell) Hey, Deb!

If I hear that fuckin' thing
one more time,

If I hear that fuckin' thing
one more time,

you're gonna be hearing bells.

you're gonna be hearing bells.

My heart's broken.
My soul...crushed.

My heart's broken.
My soul...crushed.

How do you think I feel?
The insensitivity.

How do you think I feel?
The insensitivity.

You know, it's immoral.
That's what it is.

You know, it's immoral.
That's what it is.

You're telling me.
How could they do this?

You're telling me.
How could they do this?

You were right -
never trust munchers.

You were right -
never trust munchers.

Munchers?
Mel and Linz.

Munchers?
Mel and Linz.

What the hell
have they got to do with it?

What the hell
have they got to do with it?

Who do you think's responsible.
For closing Babylon?

Who do you think's responsible.
For closing Babylon?

Is that all you care about?

Is that all you care about?

Who gives a shit
if the cops close down Babylon?

Who gives a shit
if the cops close down Babylon?

I, for one,
give a very big shit that

I, for one,
give a very big shit that

that come-stain, Sapperstein,

that come-stain, Sapperstein,

was defrauding
the Internal Revenue Service

was defrauding
the Internal Revenue Service

by hiding thousands, perhaps even
hundreds of thousands, of dollars

by hiding thousands, perhaps even
hundreds of thousands, of dollars

up in his office in pillowcases,

up in his office in pillowcases,

which, knowing him, you can be sure
were not the highest thread count.

which, knowing him, you can be sure
were not the highest thread count.

And now, because of
his illegal activities,

And now, because of
his illegal activities,

Babylon is gone.

Babylon is gone.

Kaput. Finito.

Kaput. Finito.

And that concerns you more

And that concerns you more

than the fact that Mel and Linz
were lying to us?

than the fact that Mel and Linz
were lying to us?

That now my daughter and your son

That now my daughter and your son

are the products of a broken home?

are the products of a broken home?

(Laughs) Christ! The three of you.

(Laughs) Christ! The three of you.

I never saw such drama queens.

I never saw such drama queens.

First, Lindsay was wailing to me
on the phone

First, Lindsay was wailing to me
on the phone

the night she and Melanie split

the night she and Melanie split

Now you.
Wait a minute.

Now you.
Wait a minute.

You're telling me you knew about this
and you didn't tell me?

You're telling me you knew about this
and you didn't tell me?

She asked me not to.

She asked me not to.

So your loyalty to her was
more important than our friendship?

So your loyalty to her was
more important than our friendship?

Don't make this about us, Michael.

Don't make this about us, Michael.

Because it's not.

Because it's not.

The ever-changing
kaleidoscope of life.

The ever-changing
kaleidoscope of life.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

DRAMATIC MUSIC

NARRATOR:
J.T. floats, lost among the stars,

NARRATOR:
J.T. floats, lost among the stars,

wondering if he'll ever
see Rage again.

wondering if he'll ever
see Rage again.

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

MAN: I promised
I'd come for you, J.T.,

MAN: I promised
I'd come for you, J.T.,

even if I had to go to
the end of the universe.

even if I had to go to
the end of the universe.

I just did a test
in front of the green screen.

I just did a test
in front of the green screen.

So, what do you think?
It's hot.

So, what do you think?
It's hot.

Yeah, and itchy.

Yeah, and itchy.

Check out this package.

Check out this package.

(Laughs) That's gonna win
an Oscar for special effects.

(Laughs) That's gonna win
an Oscar for special effects.

Didn't hear you complaining.
Huh!

Didn't hear you complaining.
Huh!

MAN: OK, superhero,
turn in your tights.

MAN: OK, superhero,
turn in your tights.

Fenderman just pulled the plug.

Fenderman just pulled the plug.

What?
He can't do that.

What?
He can't do that.

He can and he did.
He just rimmed my ass.

He can and he did.
He just rimmed my ass.

And not like in Scene 32

And not like in Scene 32

where Rage gives J.T.
the rimming of a lifetime.

where Rage gives J.T.
the rimming of a lifetime.

"Oh, the picture's over budget,
over schedule..."

"Oh, the picture's over budget,
over schedule..."

You said they say that
about every picture.

You said they say that
about every picture.

They do.
Then what's the real reason?

They do.
Then what's the real reason?

He's afraid - the times,
the political climate.

He's afraid - the times,
the political climate.

Well, he's wrong.

Well, he's wrong.

Tell him there are millions of queers
out there with billions of dollars.

Tell him there are millions of queers
out there with billions of dollars.

I did.

I did.

He's more concerned about
alienating the family audience,

He's more concerned about
alienating the family audience,

pissing off the parent corporation,

pissing off the parent corporation,

displeasing someone in Washington

displeasing someone in Washington

who can make that tax break
very hard to come by.

who can make that tax break
very hard to come by.

What? So it's over? Just like that?

What? So it's over? Just like that?

He's green-lighting
'The Passion of Moses'.

He's green-lighting
'The Passion of Moses'.

Gay's out.

Gay's out.

God's in.

God's in.

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

(Gus sneezes)

(Gus sneezes)

Oh, sweetie, do you have a cold?

Oh, sweetie, do you have a cold?

Yeah, I think
he caught one last night.

Yeah, I think
he caught one last night.

Wouldn't be surprised.

Wouldn't be surprised.

Dragging him over here so we could
play one big happy family.

Dragging him over here so we could
play one big happy family.

I didn't drag him.

I didn't drag him.

And you're the one who called,

And you're the one who called,

who insisted we keep up
this ridiculous charade.

who insisted we keep up
this ridiculous charade.

And you saw why I did, didn't you?

And you saw why I did, didn't you?

Now I have to deal with
all their shit as well as our own.

Now I have to deal with
all their shit as well as our own.

Oh, speaking of shit...
Did you bring his medication?

Oh, speaking of shit...
Did you bring his medication?

"Delicious cherry flavour
your kids'll love"?

"Delicious cherry flavour
your kids'll love"?

He hates it.

He hates it.

Here, why don't you let me do it?
Christ, I can do it!

Here, why don't you let me do it?
Christ, I can do it!

Would you just go to work, already?

Would you just go to work, already?

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

It had to be done.

It had to be done.

We had to tell them.

We had to tell them.

It's just that...

It's just that...

What?

What?

Telling them... (Sighs)
..and seeing their faces,

Telling them... (Sighs)
..and seeing their faces,

knowing they know...

knowing they know...

(Jenny grizzles)

(Jenny grizzles)

..somehow makes it real.

..somehow makes it real.

(Jenny grizzles)

(Jenny grizzles)

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

(Jenny grizzles)

(Jenny grizzles)

We're having some of the neighbours
over Sunday for a barbeque.

We're having some of the neighbours
over Sunday for a barbeque.

I've asked a couple of members

I've asked a couple of members

of our illustrious
English department -

of our illustrious
English department -

Kelly and Raymond...

Kelly and Raymond...

Why don't you guys come too?
That sounds great.

Why don't you guys come too?
That sounds great.

And be sure to bring Hunter.

And be sure to bring Hunter.

(Man calls out) Hi!
Hey.

(Man calls out) Hi!
Hey.

Oh, How's it going?

Oh, How's it going?

They just moved in across the street.
They got twins.

They just moved in across the street.
They got twins.

(Laughs) Seems like everybody
around here's got kids.

(Laughs) Seems like everybody
around here's got kids.

It won't be long before
you'll be out strolling

It won't be long before
you'll be out strolling

with your own bambino too.

with your own bambino too.

This one just went on the market.

This one just went on the market.

Nice yard, but it could
use a makeover.

Nice yard, but it could
use a makeover.

(Laughs) Couldn't we all?

(Laughs) Couldn't we all?

I wonder what they're asking?

I wonder what they're asking?

In that condition,
it's probably a bargain.

In that condition,
it's probably a bargain.

Sure you guys aren't interested?

Sure you guys aren't interested?

Oh, we've talked it over and we've
decided to stay put for now.

Oh, we've talked it over and we've
decided to stay put for now.

How soon could we see it?

How soon could we see it?

Like you said, we're on top
of each other in the apartment.

Like you said, we're on top
of each other in the apartment.

Hunter needs his own space,

Hunter needs his own space,

Jenny Rebecca's gonna
need her own room.

Jenny Rebecca's gonna
need her own room.

A yard to play in...

A yard to play in...

We'll write down the realtor's
number. You give 'em a call.

We'll write down the realtor's
number. You give 'em a call.

(Whispers) I thought you wanted
to stay on Liberty Avenue?

(Whispers) I thought you wanted
to stay on Liberty Avenue?

Maybe it's time for a change.

Maybe it's time for a change.

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

(Ted shouts) Brian?

(Ted shouts) Brian?

So why the urgent message,
"Meet me at Babylon now!"

So why the urgent message,
"Meet me at Babylon now!"

I found that little something
you told me to treat myself to.

I found that little something
you told me to treat myself to.

What?

What?

You're standing in it.

You're standing in it.

(Pours wine)

(Pours wine)

Babylon?

Babylon?

I said the TOY, not the playroom!

I said the TOY, not the playroom!

I want it!

I want it!

Oh, you want it? What for?

Oh, you want it? What for?

Well, I gotta keep the boys
off the street at night.

Well, I gotta keep the boys
off the street at night.

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

I gotta provide 'em with
a warm, friendly environment

I gotta provide 'em with
a warm, friendly environment

in which to use illegal substances
and have promiscuous sex -

in which to use illegal substances
and have promiscuous sex -

safely, of course!

safely, of course!

A noble sentiment, but
investment-wise, not very practical.

A noble sentiment, but
investment-wise, not very practical.

And what would be practical,
Theodore?

And what would be practical,
Theodore?

To get married...

To get married...

..and move to the suburbs?

..and move to the suburbs?

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

And become a home-lovin',
child-raisin', God-fearin'

And become a home-lovin',
child-raisin', God-fearin'

imitation heterosexual?

imitation heterosexual?

(Laughs bitterly)

(Laughs bitterly)

And for what?

And for what?

So that I can become another
dead soul going to the mall

So that I can become another
dead soul going to the mall

and dropping my kids off at school

and dropping my kids off at school

and having barbeques in the backyard?

and having barbeques in the backyard?

(Laughs)

(Laughs)

That's THEIR death.

That's THEIR death.

Not mine.

Not mine.

(Flicks switch)

(Flicks switch)

(Shouts) I'm a cocksucker!

(Shouts) I'm a cocksucker!

I'm queer!

I'm queer!

And to anyone who takes pity
or offence...

And to anyone who takes pity
or offence...

..I say, judge yourself.

..I say, judge yourself.

This is where I live.

This is where I live.

This is who I am.

This is who I am.

VOICEOVER: And as Rage stands
at the precipice of a new world...

VOICEOVER: And as Rage stands
at the precipice of a new world...

DRAMATIC MUSIC

DRAMATIC MUSIC