Queer as Folk (2000–2005): Season 2, Episode 17 - Episode #2.17 - full transcript

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...

ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, FIVE, SIX.

SHAKE IT, DUDE.

[ ?????? ]

[ Mixed chatter ]

I'M GOING
TO FUCK YOU.

I'M GOING
TO FUCK YOU
ALL NIGHT LONG.

Man:
I'M GONNA BE
LATE, ALL RIGHT?

[ Mixed chatter ]

DIDN'T YOU
GET ENOUGH?
NEVER ENOUGH.

WHY DON'T WE
SAVE IT TILL
THE WEEKEND?



WHY DON'T WE
SAVE IT TILL WE
GET TO THE CAR?

I WAS THINKING...

THAT WE COULD
GO AWAY, JUST
THE TWO OF US.

SNOWBOARDING.

COOL, EXCEPT
THERE'S NO SNOW.
IN VERMONT.

DAPHNE WAS
JUST THERE WITH
HER BOYFRIEND.

SHE SAID IT
WAS AMAZING.

THEY STAYED
IN THIS AWE-
SOME PLACE.

IT WAS A CONVERTED
FARMHOUSE AND EVERY
ROOM HAD A FIREPLACE
AND A JACUZZI.

DID THEY HAVE
THOSE LITTLE MINTS
ON THE PILLOWS?

I FORGOT,
BRIAN KINNEY
DOESN'T DO ROMANCE.

I DON'T NEED AN
EXCUSE TO FUCK.

YOU ALSO DON'T
NEED AN EXCUSE
TO TURN ME DOWN.

WHY DON'T YOU
JUST ADMIT



YOU DON'T WANT
TO GO AWAY WITH ME
FOR THE WEEKEND?

I DON'T WANT TO
GO AWAY WITH YOU
FOR THE WEEKEND.

WELL, AT LEAST
IT'S OUT IN
THE OPEN.

I WANT TO GO AWAY
WITH YOU FOR THE
WHOLE FUCKING WEEK.

RIGHT.

HEY, IF YOU'RE
NOT INTERESTED,

I CAN FIND
SOMEBODY WHO IS.

A WEEK WITH ME
IN VERMONT?

JACUZZI,
FIREPLACE?

GUESS IT'S JUST
THE TWO OF US.

ARE YOU
SERIOUS?

YOU'RE OFF ON
SPRING BREAK.

I'M ABOUT TO
MAKE PARTNER,

WHICH I'D SAY
MORE THAN
ENTITLES ME

TO A WEEK OF
SNOWBOARDING,

AND FUCKING
YOUR BRAINS OUT.

REALLY?

DID YOU PUT GUS DOWN?

Lindsay:
YEP, HE'S ALL
SNUGGLED UP
IN HIS BED.

HMMM.

NOW IT'S
MY TURN.

HMMM.

POOR BABY. YOU
LOOK EXHAUSTED.

SO DO YOU.

MMM.
ROLL OVER.

WHAT FOR?

GO AHEAD.

COME ON.
[ Yelp ]

WHOO!
FACE DOWN.

OOH, YES,
SIR, MA'AM.

[ Giggling ]

AH, YOU ARE GOING
TO LOVE THIS.

[ Sigh of contentment ]

THAT'S IT.
THAT FEELS GOOD. MMM.

LET ALL THE TENSION GO.

[ Opening of door ]

Leda:
JUST FINISHED
THE FLOORS.

THEY LOOK GREAT.

THAT'S NICE.

'NIGHT.

'NIGHT.
'NIGHT.

[ Sigh ]

MAYBE I
SHOULD'VE GONE
WITH THE HARDWOOD

INSTEAD OF
THE PINE.

DON'T THINK
ABOUT IT.
JUST... RELAX.

[ Sigh ]

[ Exhaling ]

[ Whispering ]
NOW ROLL OVER.

THIS IS A SPECIAL
FORM OF MASSAGE...

[ Chuckling ]

CALLED FOREPLAY.

[ Rubbing of hands ]

OH, I'VE
MISSED THIS.

MMM. ME TOO.

GOD, YOU'RE
SO HOT.

[ Stifled yawn ]

OH-H-H.
SO ARE YOU.

[ Sleepy murmurs ]

[ ?????? ]

YOU KNOW, THE GOOD THING
ABOUT NOT BALANCING
YOUR CHEQUE BOOK

IS THAT WHEN YOU FINALLY
DO, YOU GET TO RELIVE
ALL YOUR PURCHASES.

YOU SEE... OOH,
THE PLEASURE VAULT.

ALL RIGHT. LET ME SEE.

NO... NO... ALL
RIGHT, YOU KNOW,

IN THE FUTURE, BALANCE
BEFORE YOU BUY.

HOW MUCH IS IT GOING
TO COST ME THIS TIME?

UM, 50?

UH, HM,
CLOSER TO 80,

IF I WANT TO
TURN MY PHONE
BACK ON.

TRY 100 IF YOU'D
LIKE TO PAY HALF
THE ELECTRIC.

SO IS HE AS GOOD
AS HE LOOKS?

AND SPARE US

YOUR MONOSYLLABIC
ANSWERS. I WANT DETAILS.

UH, FIRST I MADE
HIM WORSHIP MY
COCK FOR AN HOUR.

THEN I LET HIM
RIM ME FOR A GOOD
45 MINUTES, AND...

AFTER THAT, I
FUCKED HIM SO HARD
HE PASSED OUT.

I'M SURPRISED
HE'S UP AND
WALKING AROUND.

OOH, CAN THE
SEX TALK. LESBIAN
APPROACHING.

Michael:
HMPH, ARE
YOU KIDDING?

MEL AND LINZ
ARE A COUPLE
OF SEX MACHINES.

THEY SOAK
THE SHEETS.
HEY, I
DON'T CARE

TO DISCUSS MY
PERSONAL LIFE

WITH A BUNCH OF
FOUL-MOUTHED FAGS.

[ Scoffing ]
Emmett:
WELL!

SOMEBODY'S
ON THE RAG.

OR NOT
GETTING ANY.

YOU SEE HOW MUCH YOU
GET WHEN YOU HAVE A
FAMILY TO SUPPORT,

A KID TO RAISE AND A
MAJOR RENOVATION GOING
ON UNDER YOUR ROOF.

BUT, OF COURSE
YOU NEVER WILL

SINCE YOUR ONLY
RESPONSIBILITY
IS TO YOUR DICKS.

WHICH IS WHY
I'M SMILING
AND YOU'RE NOT.

Ted:
SOUNDS TO ME
LIKE A CASE OF...

L.B.D.

Emmett:
?? DUH-DUH-DUH ??

WHAT THE HELL'S THAT?

LESBIAN BED DEATH.

YOU KNOW, FIRST
IT DRIES UP,

THEN IT SHRIVELS UP,
THEN IT CLOSES UP,

THEN IT DISAPPEARS.

HOW COME I'VE NEVER
HEARD OF THIS?

BECAUSE IT ONLY
EXISTS IN THE MINDS
OF CUNTY GAY MEN.

MEOW!
Ted:
DON'T WORRY, MEL,

THEY'RE DOING
RESEARCH.

NEW DEVELOPMENTS ARE
EMERGING EVERY DAY.

THERE'S GOING TO
BE A TELETHON.

YEAH, WE'RE
ALL GOING TO
WEAR LITTLE, UM,

FUCHSIA RIBBONS
ON OUR LAPELS.

All men:
[ Laughing ]

Ted:
SEE YOU, MEL.

Melanie:
OH-H!

HE WANTS TO SEE
YOU RIGHT AWAY.

WHAT'S
THE RUSH?

HE'S BEEN ON THE
PHONE ALL MORNING
WITH HIS ATTORNEY.

THAT CAN ONLY
MEAN ONE THING.

HE'S DIVORCING
HIS WIFE?

HE'S MAKING
YOU PARTNER.
OH-H-H.

WELL, WHAT
ARE YOU SO
EXCITED ABOUT?

I'M HAPPY
FOR YOU.

AND THE PARTNER'S
ASSISTANT GETS TO
BE A RAVING BITCH
TO EVERYBODY.

HUH.

NOW GET
IN THERE.

AND GOOD LUCK,
PARTNER.

BRIAN.

WHAT'S UP?
[ Sigh ]

BIG CHANGE
COMING.
OH?

I SOLD
THE AGENCY.

WHAT?
TO GARDNER VANCE.

HE'S BEEN ON
MY TAIL FOR
OVER A YEAR,

FINALLY MADE
ME AN OFFER I
COULDN'T REFUSE.

[ Chuckling ]
[ Drumming on desk ]

NOW I CAN BUY
THAT PLACE
IN BERMUDA,

RETIRE AND PLAY
GOLF UNTIL I DROP.

POP! AH.

CONGRATULATIONS.
THANK YOU.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

HUH! YOU MADE
ME A PROMISE.

IF WE HAD ANOTHER
5 MILLION-PLUS
YEAR, YOU...

LOOK, I HAD NO CHOICE.

OKAY? I HAD TO SELL.

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE
A COMPANY WORTH
BUYING WITHOUT ME.

I BROUGHT IN OVER A
THIRD OF YOUR ACCOUNTS.

AND I'M GOING TO
MAKE SURE THAT VANCE
KNOWS ALL ABOUT THAT.

OKAY, LOOK, YOU
ARE GOING TO BE HIS
GUY. HE NEEDS YOU.

I GIVE YOU MY WORD.

[ Scoffing ]

WELL, WITH THE
MONEY TEDDY
LOANED ME,

MY NEW BALANCE
SHOULD BE $147.16.

SO WERE YOUR
CALCULATIONS
ACCURATE?

JUST A...
SMIDGE OFF.

THIS SAYS I HAVE
$10,000,147.16.
HUH?

HUH!

OBVIOUSLY
THAT'S A MISTAKE.

NOT NECESSARILY.
IT IS AN INTEREST-
BEARING ACCOUNT.

[ Beeps of ATM ]
WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?

ONLY ONE WAY
TO FIND OUT.

[ Rattle of printer ]

[ Chuckling ]

Leda:
LESBIAN
BED DEATH?

WHAT KIND OF
BULLSHIT IS THAT?

Melanie:
THERE MUST BE
SOMETHING TO IT.

I MEAN, WE KNOW
AT LEAST THREE
OTHER COUPLES

WHO HAVE STOPPED
HAVING SEX.

EVERY COUPLE
GOES THROUGH HOT
AND COLD SPELLS.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU
BEEN TOGETHER?

SEVEN YEARS.

I'D CONSIDER
YOURSELVES LUCKY.

LISTEN, I
MAY NOT BE
AN AUTHORITY

ON LONG-TERM
RELATIONSHIPS.

IN FACT, I MEAN,
I TRY TO AVOID THEM;

BUT I DO KNOW
A THING OR
TWO ABOUT SEX,

AND I CAN TELL YOU THIS,

YOUR BATTERY ISN'T DEAD,
IT JUST NEEDS RECHARGING.

WHAT YOU NEED
IS TO SHAKE
THINGS UP.

DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT,
BE SPONTANEOUS.

SPONTANEOUS.

Leda:
YEAH.

A COUPLE OF FUCKABLE
BABES LIKE YOU?

[ Chuckling ]
YOU SHOULDN'T
HAVE ANY PROBLEM.

[ ?????? ]

I FOUND THIS GAY
B & B FIVE MINUTES
FROM SUGARBUSH.

[ Chuckling ]

SOUNDS SUSPI-
CIOUSLY LESBIAN.

IT'S THE BEST
SNOWBOARDING
IN VERMONT.

UH-HUH?

THIS IS THE
FIRST TIME THAT
WE'VE EVER GONE
AWAY TOGETHER.

Ted:
IS THAT SUCH
A GOOD IDEA,

WITH YOUR COMPANY
BEING TAKEN OVER?

THEY NEED ME
MORE THAN
I NEED THEM.

GUESS YOU'VE
GOT BIGGER
BALLS THAN I DO.

WAS IT EVER
A QUESTION?

WHAT'LL IT BE, BOYS?
DRINKS ARE ON ME.

IS THAT WHAT
YOU'RE GOING TO DO

WITH THE 100
BUCKS I GAVE YOU?

I, UH, WON'T BE
NEEDING ANY FURTHER
FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE.

[ Chuckling ]

SOMEBODY
ACCIDENTALLY
DEPOSITED

$10,000,000
IN HIS ACCOUNT.

FUCK!

I HOPE YOU DIDN'T
TOUCH ANY OF IT.

JUST A MEASLY 300.

WHAT?

DO YOU REALIZE
WHAT YOU'VE DONE?

YOU COMMITTED
BANK FRAUD.

THAT'S A FEDERAL
OFFENCE.

OH... OH MY GOD.

I WARNED YOU.

OH MY... OH MY GOD.
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

TOMORROW YOU'RE
GOING TO GO BACK
TO THE BANK,

YOU'RE GOING TO
RETURN EVERY CENT.

UH, DO YOU MIND IF I
BORROW BACK THAT 100?

THERE WAS THIS
FABULOUS GUCCI BELT...

[ Chiming of
elevator bell ]

[ Tapping on door ]

AH.

GARDNER VANCE.
BRIAN KINNEY.

SIT.

RYDER TELLS ME
THAT YOU'RE THE BEST
ACCOUNT EXEC HE'S GOT.

HE'S RIGHT.

THIS IS WHY I FIRED
EVERYONE ELSE.

I'VE ALWAYS HATED
THOSE LONG LINES AT
THE WATER COOLER.

HE ALSO TELLS ME
THAT YOU ARE...

ARROGANT, WILLFUL
AND, UM...

INSUBORDINATE.

I'LL TRY MY BEST TO LIVE
UP TO MY REPUTATION.

WHY DON'T
YOU START BY
TELLING ME

WHY I SHOULDN'T
FIRE YOU TOO?

UH, FOR ONE THING,

I KNOW MORE ABOUT THIS
COMPANY THAN YOU DO.

FOR ANOTHER, I HAVE
THE RELATIONSHIP
WITH THE CLIENTS.

IF I GO,
THEY GO.

AND FINALLY, WE
BOTH KNOW YOU'RE
GOING TO GET
MORE OUT OF ME

THAN SOME
TALENTLESS TOADY
YOU BRING IN

FOR HALF
THE PRICE.

BEFORE I
ACQUIRED
THIS FIRM,

I LEARNED EVERY-
THING ABOUT IT.
EVERYTHING.

I ALSO CONTACTED
EVERY ONE OF
YOUR CLIENTS,

AND THEY AGREED
TO STAY, WITH
OR WITHOUT YOU.

WITH REGARD TO
MY HIRING SOME
"TOADY", AT LEAST,

THEY GIVE ME THE
ONE THING I DOUBT
YOU EVER WILL,

THEIR LOYALTY. SO ARE
THERE ANY OTHER REASONS

WHY I SHOULDN'T
FIRE YOU TOO?

I CAN'T THINK OF ONE.

YOU'VE GOT
A WEEK.

PROVE TO ME THAT
YOU'RE WORTH IT.

THAT LONG?

OH, BY THE WAY,

RUMOUR HAS IT
THAT YOU'RE GAY.

THE RUMOUR'S
RIGHT.

BUT UNLESS I'M
FUCKING YOU, IT'S
NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

THERE'S BEEN
A SLIGHT MISUN-
DERSTANDING.

V-VERY SLIGHT.

TINY. ITSY-
BITSY-WEENSY.
YEAH.

I-IT SEEMS MR. HONEYCUTT
INADVERTENTLY, UH,

WITHDREW FUNDS THAT
DIDN'T BELONG TO HIM.

BUT, UH, HERE'S
THE MONEY, ALL
CRISP AND NEW.

IT'S LIKE IT
NEVER HAPPENED.
HAVE A NICE DAY.

WAIT...
RIGHT THERE.

OH MY GOD.
THEY'RE GOING
TO ARREST ME.

ALL RIGHT,
JUST CALM DOWN.

WHAT AM I
YOU'RE GOING GOING TO DO?
TO PLAY DUMB.

I CAN DO THAT.
YOU'RE
GOING TO SAY

YOU WITHDREW
THE MONEY, NEVER
REALIZING IT
WASN'T YOURS,

WHICH IS WHY
YOU'VE COME
TO RETURN IT.

TH-THAT'S
PERFECT.

THAT'S PERFECT.
THEY'RE SURE
TO BELIEVE ME.

BUT IF THEY DON'T,
TRY FOR A CELL WITH
SOUTHERN EXPOSURE.

Man:
WHICH ONE
OF YOU

IS MR. HONEYCUTT?

I-I-I-I-I...

HE IS.

PLEASE COME WITH ME.

[ Gulping ]

I DID IT. I
STOLE THE MONEY.
I'M GUILTY.

[ Whimpering ]
I'M SO, SO SORRY.

[ Sobbing ]

IT WAS A
MISTAKE.

Man:
OH, IT WAS
NO MISTAKE.
[ Sobbing ]

THE MONEY WAS
CORRECTLY DEPOSITED
INTO YOUR ACCOUNT,

ALL $10,000,000 OF IT.

I... I NEED TO,
UH, CONSULT WITH
MY ACCOUNTANT.

WHAT EXACTLY DID
HE MEAN BY THAT?
ALL RIGHT.

WHAT EXACTLY DID
YOU MEAN BY THAT?

THE MONEY WAS LEFT TO
YOU BY GEORGE SCHICKEL.

G-GEORGE?

HE ALSO WANTED
YOU TO HAVE THIS.

FIND ANYTHING?

GARDNER VANCE, 41,

GRADUATED HARVARD
BUSINESS SCHOOL,

STARTED AS A
COPYWRITER FOR
D.B.D. & O.
IN NEW YORK,

THEN JUNIOR AD EXEC
AT I. & R. IN CHICAGO,

PARTNER AT W.J. IN L.A.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

WHAT DID
YOU FIND?

UH, MOSTLY THE
SAME AS YOU,

PLUS A FEATURE ARTICLE
THEY DID ON HIM

IN ONE OF THE
CHICAGO PAPERS.

DIVORCED TWICE.

BOXING FANATIC.

WOW! STRAIGHT GUYS.

WELL, THERE'S AN
INTERESTING QUOTE THOUGH.

I CIRCLED IT.

"WHEN ASKED IF THERE
WAS AN ACCOUNT HE'D
NEVER BEEN ABLE TO LAND,

VANCE SAID, 'YEAH...

BROWN ATHLETICS.'"

WHERE ARE
YOU GOING?

TO SEE A FEW OF
MY HOTTEST TRICKS.

YOU'RE GOING TO
THE BATHS NOW?

YOU'RE GOING TO FUCK
US BOTH OUT OF A JOB.

THIS IS THE
FILTHIEST...

THE SLEAZIEST,
THE MOST DISGUST-
ING MOTEL ROOM
I'VE EVER SEEN.

YOU WERE EXPECTING
THE RITZ-CARLTON?

UH-HUH.

WHAT? HEY, WHERE
ARE YOU GOING?

HOME.
BUT WE JUST
WALKED IN.

AND NOW WE'RE
JUST WALKING OUT.

BUT WE
ALREADY PAID.
BY THE HOUR.

WHAT KIND OF MOTEL
HAS HOURLY RATES?

[ Sigh ]
THE KIND WHERE
YOU SNEAK AWAY

FOR A QUICKIE
WITH SOME CHICKIE,

AND HOPE YOUR
WIFE DOESN'T
FIND OUT.

[ Groaning ]

[ Sigh ]
TAKE OFF YOUR COAT.
STAY A WHILE.

[ Moaning ]

GOD.

BUT THERE ARE
STAINS ON THE
BEDSPREAD.

AND HOLES
IN THE CARPET
AND IT SMELLS.

WHEW!
I KNOW.

SLEAZY. SEXY.

SPONTANEOUS.

[ Chuckling ]

CAN'T WE BE
SPONTANEOUS
SOME...

SOME PLACE ELSE
LIKE WHERE THEY
CHANGE THE SHEETS,

AND HAVE
ROOM SERVICE?

THIS SAYS THEY
HAVE A COMPLETE
LINE OF SEX TOYS,

INCLUDING 31 FLAVOURS
OF LUBRICANT AT
THE FRONT DESK.

[ Giggling ]
TAKE YOUR PICK.

Both:
[ Chuckling ]

OH GOD.

[ Sighing ]

COME ON.

Both:
[ Moaning ]

THAT'S A
GOOD GIRL.

[ Distant pounding ]
[ Muffled shouts of ecstasy ]

JESUS CHRIST!

I-I GOTTA CALL
THE MANAGER.

IT'S NOT THE
RITZ-CARLTON.

WHY DON'T WE
PUT THE TV ON?

MAYBE IT'LL
DROWN THEM OUT.

Melanie:
WHAT ELSE IS
ON? UGH-H.

Girl: [ On TV ]
OH NO, IT'S NOT...

THOSE THINGS
AREN'T REAL,
ARE THEY?

Girl: [ On TV ]
I THINK MINE ARE BIGGER.
I HOPE NOT.

[ Chatter of TV ]

...INVENTED IN BEIJING,
AS THE CHINESE...

OH-H-H! IT'S
MY FAVOURITE
COOKING SHOW.

HE'S PREPARING
MANDARIN DUCK.

I'VE ALWAYS
WANTED TO KNOW
HOW TO MAKE THAT.

...THIS IS AN AIR PUMP,

IT'S ACTUALLY GOING
TO PUMP AIR INTO IT,

SEPARATES THE SKIN
FROM THE MEAT.
THANKS.

AND THAT'S THE SECRET OF
RENDERING OFF THE FAT.
ONCE IT'S SEPARATED...

HEY, EMMETT.

HI, GEORGE.

George:
I MISS YOU.

I MISS YOU TOO.

George:
NOW YOU MUSTN'T CRY.

I'LL TRY NOT TO.

LET ME SEE YOU SMILE NOW.

I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN.

EMMETT, NOW COME ON. YOU
CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT.

George:
THAT'S BETTER.

WELL, DID YOU RECEIVE
MY LITTLE GIFT?

"LITTLE"?

GOD, I COULDN'T
BELIEVE IT.

NEITHER COULD WE.

George:
SEE, YOU... YOU
ALWAYS SAY...

"FUCK 'EM ALL."

WELL, TO DO THAT
YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE
"FUCK 'EM ALL" MONEY.

W-W-WELL, WHAT AM I
SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT?

George:
WHATEVER YOU WANT.

WHATEVER MAKES YOU HAPPY.

Y-YOU MADE ME HAPPY.

George:
YOU TOO.

MORE THAN YOU'LL KNOW.

10 MIL'S A PRETTY
CLEAR INDICATION.

George:
WELL, I...

I GUESS THIS IS IT.

YOU'RE OFF ON
YOUR ADVENTURE...

I'M OFF ON MINE.

[ ?????? ]

Brian:
I NEED THESE
IN THREE HOURS.

I'M NOT
FOTOMAT.

I'LL TRY.

[ ?????? ]

THAT'S GOOD.

[ ?????? ]

DIP IN HERE.

[ ?????? ]

THANK YOU.

[ ?????? ]

GOOD.

[ ?????? ]

BEAUTIFUL.

GOOD. GOOD.

[ ?????? ]

Photographer:
YEAH, GOOD...

GOT YOUR
AIRLINE TICKET.

BUT I DON'T
THINK YOU'LL
BE NEEDING IT.

I CALLED
BROWN'S OFFICE.

THEY SAID HE DOESN'T
ACCEPT UNSOLICITED
PICTURES.

Photographer:
TURN AROUND...
YEAH, YEAH. GOOD.

DO YOU WANT
ME TO CANCEL?

[ ?????? ]

Emmett:
TA-DA.

OH-H-H,
EMMETT!

OH-HO-HO, YOU
CAN'T DO THIS.

[ Chuckling ]
Melanie:
OH, GOD!

PEOPLE DON'T
GET THEIR
FRIENDS A CAR.

UNLESS YOU'RE A
GAME SHOW HOST.

OH, IT'S NOT
JUST A CAR.

IT'S A
SUBARU SUV.

OH-H-H!
[ Squealing ]

I READ IN A
RECENT SURVEY,

IT'S THE NUMBER
ONE CHOICE
AMONG LESBIANS.

I'M SURE MR. SUBARU
WOULD BE THRILLED.

All:
[ Chuckling ]
UM...

JUSTIN, THIS IS FOR YOU.

A TRIP TO ITALY?

YEAH.
[ Chuckling ]

GEORGE AND I
WERE PLANNING...

BUT NEVER MIND.

YOU'RE GOING, AS ARTISTS
HAVE FOR CENTURIES,

TO THE ETERNAL CITY,
TO FLORENCE, TO VENICE.

IT IS THERE THAT YOU
WILL DISCOVER YOUR SOUL.

Ted:
AND SEE LOTS
OF STATUES OF
NAKED MEN TOO.

Justin:
THANKS, EM.

[ Chatter/laughter ]

AND, UM, WHEN YOU
AND BRIAN ARE IN MILAN,

HE CAN USE THIS.

IT'S A GIFT
CERTIFICATE

TO, UH, ARMANI FOR
THE FALL COLLECTION.

OH, HE'LL LOVE
A NEW SUIT.

THE ENTIRE
COLLECTION.

[ Chuckling ]

HE'LL NEVER WONDER
WHAT TO WEAR AGAIN.

[ Laughter ]

AND, DEBBIE,

FOR YOU.

OH SHIT, YOU'RE
GONNA MAKE ME CRY.

NO.
MMMM.

Justin:
OH MY GOD.

Michael
OH, MA.

OH...

NO, EMMETT, NO.
I COULDN'T.

YEAH!

NOW WHEN YOU
ARE SLINGING
THAT HASH,

EVERYONE WILL
THINK YOU'RE
A PRINCESS.

[ Chuckle ]
THANK YOU.

MICHAEL.
[ Chuckling ]

Michael:
JESUS, EM...

HE PAID THE
MORTGAGE ON...

ON MY COMIC BOOK
STORE FOR THE
NEXT FIVE YEARS.

Debbie:
OH, HONEY.

YOU JUST
CHANGED MY LIFE.

[ Laughter ]

Ted:
OH.

GUESS THERE'S
NOTHING IN THE
BAG FOR ME.

HMMMM.
[ Mumbling ]

OH-OH!
All:
AH-H-H!

WELL, THE ONE
PRESENT I REALLY
WANTED TO GET
YOU, I COULDN'T:

SOMEONE WONDERFUL
TO SPEND YOUR
LIFE WITH.

AH... WELL,
THERE'S ALWAYS A
GOLDEN RETRIEVER.

[ Chuckling ]

[ Voice breaking ]
LIFETIME ORCHESTRA
SEAT AT THE OPERA.

TWO LIFE-
TIME SEATS,

'CAUSE I KNOW
YOU'LL FIND
THAT SOMEONE.

THANK YOU...

Melanie:
OH, OH...

Ted:
[ Chuckle ]

Melanie:
WHAT ABOUT YOUR-
SELF, EMMETT?

I HOPE YOU GOT
YOURSELF SOMETHING.

OH, NO. NO.

IT'S MUCH BETTER TO GIVE
THAN TO RECEIVE. HUH...

EXCEPT IN BED.

[ Laughter ]

HOWEVER THERE WAS
A LITTLE SOMETHING

THAT DID CATCH MY EYE.
[ Giggling ]

Melanie:
HERE WE GO.

Ted:
NOW I START
TO WORRY.

GEORGE WANTED IT TO BE
"FUCK 'EM ALL" MONEY.

[ Mixed squealing ]

WELL, GEORGIE, THEY'LL
HEAR ME IN THIS.

[ Chuckle of triumph ]

[ Mixed comments ]

[ ?????? ]

Both:
[ Startled gasps ]

HEY!

I WAS JUST
ON MY WAY TO
THE KITCHEN

TO MAKE MYSELF
A SANDWICH.

COME SHARE
MINE. COME ON.

I DIDN'T EXPECT
YOU TO BE HERE.

I FIGURED YOU'D BE
OUT PAINTING THE
TOWN RED OR...

WHATEVER COLOUR
THEY PAINT TOWNS
THESE DAYS.

ALL THE HOT GALS
ARE HOME WITH
THEIR WIVES,

GETTING IT ON.

HOW ABOUT YOU GUYS?

WE TRIED GOING
TO A MOTEL.

NO SHIT!

DID THEY HEAR
YOU SCREAMING
THROUGH THE WALLS?

THAT WAS SOMEONE ELSE.
[ Nervous giggle ]

WE WERE THE ONES WATCHING
THE COOKING SHOW.

WELL, IF I'D BEEN
THERE, I'D HAVE PINNED
YOU BOTH TO THE BED

AND DONE THE DOZEN-DOZEN,

12 ORGASMS IN 12
DIFFERENT POSITIONS.

[ Choking ]

YOU OKAY?

JUST WENT DOWN
THE WRONG WAY.

CHRIST, YOU'RE TIGHT.

HONEY, YOU NEED
TO LOOSEN UP.

LIE DOWN.
NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO, NO.
IT'S OKAY.
IT'S OKAY.

NO, NO, I'M JUST
GOING TO RUB
YOUR SHOULDERS.

YEAH. MM-HMM.

COME ON.
COME ON.

I'LL GET ALL THE
STRESS WORKED OUT,
UM...

AND THEN YOU

AND THE MISSUS CAN
SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST.

MMM, YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU NEED?

SHIATSU.
HMM.

MM-HMM, OR
EVEN BETTER...

TANTRIC.

HAVE YOU EVER
HAD A DEEP
RECTAL MASSAGE?

NOT RECENTLY.

YOU HAVE
NO IDEA HOW
MUCH TENSION

PEOPLE CARRY IN
THEIR SPHINCTERS.

[ Chuckling ]
[ Giggling ]

Leda & Lindsay:
[ Chuckling ]

SHHH.
[ Laughing ]

Justin:
EMMETT GOT
EVERYONE THE
COOLEST STUFF.

HE GOT
CARS, TRIPS.

HE EVEN GAVE DEBBIE
A DIAMOND BRACELET.

I REALLY HAVE TO
HAND IT TO HIM.

HE MUST HAVE GIVEN
GEORGE ONE HELL
OF A BLOW JOB.

HAVE YOU SEEN
MY PRADA TIE?

FUCK THE TIE. HE GOT
YOU THE ENTIRE ARMANI
FALL COLLECTION.

YEAH WELL, WHAT
AM I SUPPOSED TO
WEAR UNTIL THEN?

HE GOT ME A
TRIP TO ITALY.

TO SEE ALL THE MASTERS.

YEAH, I HEARD THEY HAVE
A BIG S & M SCENE THERE.

WHY ARE YOU BRINGING A
TIE TO GO SNOWBOARDING?

UH, I'M NOT GOING
SNOWBOARDING.

I'M GOING
TO CHICAGO.

CHICAGO?

WHAT THE HELL'S
IN CHICAGO?

MY NEW ACCOUNT.

BUT WE'RE GOING TO
VERMONT TOMORROW.

SOME OTHER TIME.
COME ON,
YOU PROMISED.

IT'S BUSINESS.
FUCK BUSINESS.

THAT'S EXACTLY
WHO YOU'RE
FUCKING.

IT'S BUSINESS.
IT'S MY BUSINESS.

IT PAYS FOR
THIS LOFT.

IT PAYS FOR
SNOWBOARDING
IN VERMONT.

IT PAYS FOR THE
PITTSBURGH INSTITUTE
OF FINE ARTS.

NOW, IF I DON'T
GET ON THAT PLANE,

I'M GOING TO BE
COLLECTING UNEMPLOYMENT

IN MY FUCKING ARMANI
FALL COLLECTION.

HEY, SWEETS. WHAT
DO YOU THINK?

LOOKS GREAT.

LINDSAY'S ALL
HEPPED TOO.

YOU'VE DONE
AN AMAZING JOB.

HMM, THANKS.

WHOA, CAREFUL.

[ Clearing
of throat ]

SHE AND I ARE
ETERNALLY GRATEFUL.

ANYTHING FOR YOU
GUYS, YOU KNOW THAT.
BUT YOU KNOW,

IT'S NOT FAIR
ASKING YOU TO DO
ALL THIS BY YOURSELF.

I'M LOVING IT.
NO.

REALLY, I MEAN,
IT'S TOO BIG A JOB.

W-WE CAN FIND A
CARPENTER OR A HANDYMAN

TO COME IN AND
FINISH IT UP.

SUGAR, THERE'S NO
HANDYMAN OR WOMAN

HANDIER THAN ME.

I KNOW ALL ABOUT
YOUR HANDIWORK.

LIKE THE JOB
YOU WERE DOING ON
LINDSAY LAST NIGHT.

THAT WAS JUST A
FRIENDLY LITTLE MASSAGE.

[ Scoffing ]
OH WELL...

IT LOOKED MORE THAN A
LITTLE FRIENDLY TO ME.

JESUS, WHAT'S WITH THE
JEALOUS WIFE ROUTINE?

I MASSAGE HER AND SHE
FUCKING FALLS ASLEEP.

YOU RUB HER
AND SHE PURRS.

OH, SO NOW I'M
TO BLAME FOR YOUR
LESBIAN BED DEATH.

ALL I KNOW IS
EVERYTHING WAS FINE
BEFORE YOU MOVED IN.

WHO THE HELL INVITED ME?

I DID.

AND... NOW I'M
ASKING YOU TO LEAVE.

YOU WANT SOME?
NOT HUNGRY.

WHAT ARE YOU
TRYING TO DO?
STARVE YOURSELF
TO DEATH?

HUH, YOU SOUND
JUST LIKE DEB.

I WONDER HOW
THAT HAPPENED.

COME ON. EAT.

YOU WANT TO HEAR
MY SECRET FANTASY?

I DON'T GENERALLY
LIKE DISCUSSING
KINK ON AN
EMPTY STOMACH.

TO SEE RAGE ON
A CEREAL BOX,

PREFERABLY
FROOT LOOPS.

A LITTLE ACTION
FIGURE INSIDE.

COLLECT
ALL THREE.

COULD HAPPEN.
ANYTHING'S
POSSIBLE.

EXCEPT BRIAN AND
I ACTUALLY SPENDING
ANY TIME TOGETHER.

I'M SURE HE
WOULD HAVE RATHER
GONE WITH YOU.

HE HAD
NO CHOICE.

DO YOU ALWAYS
DEFEND HIM?

LOOK, IF HE
DOESN'T MAKE IT
NOW, HE NEVER WILL.

HE'S ALREADY MADE IT.

HE HAS MONEY,
SUCCESS, A
KILLER LOFT.

WHAT ELSE DOES HE WANT?
TO BE THE BEST.

IF HE GETS THIS
ACCOUNT, HE'LL
BE A STAR.

AND IF HE DOESN'T,
HE'S OUT OF A JOB.

IT WON'T BE THAT
EASY STARTING OVER
AT A NEW FIRM.

YOU KNOW, WITH
ALL... ALL
THESE NEW GUYS,

YOUNGER GUYS,
COMING UP
ALL THE TIME.

SO WHAT ABOUT ME?

WHERE DO I FIT IN?

I DON'T WANT TO WAIT.

I WANT A BOYFRIEND WHO
ONLY WANTS TO BE WITH ME,

WHO WANTS TO STAY HOME
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.

WHO AT LEAST GETS
JEALOUS WHEN SOME OTHER
GUY'S SUCKING MY DICK

RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM.

THAT'S NOT BRIAN.

IT NEVER WILL BE.

I'M SORRY,
MR. KINNEY,

BUT WE LEFT
WORD WITH YOUR
ASSISTANT

THAT MR. BROWN
WASN'T INTERESTED
IN MEETING WITH YOU.

TELL HIM I FLEW ALL
THE WAY FROM PITTSBURGH
JUST TO SEE HIM.

UNFORTUNATELY,
HE'S IN A CLOSED-
DOOR MEETING

AND CAN'T
BE DISTURBED.

I'LL WAIT.

HIS DAY IS
BOOKED SOLID.

YOU KNOW, I'M
SURE IF HE SAW MY
PRESENTATION...

LOOK, I'M TRYING TO
TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE
WASTING YOUR TIME.

NO. YOU'RE
WASTING HIS TIME.

BECAUSE THE
SOONER YOU GET ME
IN TO SEE HIM,

THE SOONER I CAN
SHOW HIM THESE.

INTERESTING.

I CAN SEE
YOU'RE IMPRESSED.

MAYBE YOU'D
LIKE A COPY
FOR YOURSELF.

[ ?????? ]

MR. BROWN... UH...

EATS LUNCH...

HARVARD CLUB.
[ Grunting ]

[ ?????? ]

[ Mixed chatter ]

WHO THE HELL
ARE YOU?

BRIAN KINNEY,
VANGARD ADVERTISING.

YOUR ASSISTANT
SAID I'D FIND
YOU HERE.

I TOLD HIM TO TELL YOU
I WASN'T INTERESTED.

REALLY. WONDER
WHAT GOT INTO HIM.

HERMAN, WILL YOU KINDLY
SHOW THIS GENTLEMAN OUT?

HERMAN, WOULD YOU
KINDLY BRING US
A BOTTLE OF DOM?

ON VANGARD,
OF COURSE. WE'RE
CELEBRATING,

BROWN ATHLETICS'
NEW AD CAMPAIGN.

[ Opening of case ]

IF YOU'RE HERE
TO CONVINCE ME
TO BE MORE HIP,

YOU'RE WASTING
YOUR TIME.

I'LL BE DAMNED IF I'LL
MAKE A PAIR OF SNEAKERS

THAT LIGHT UP
WHEN YOU BOUNCE.

LEAVE TRENDINESS
TO THE OTHER GUYS.

WHAT YOU SELL

IS GOOD OLD
AMERICAN
TRADITION, BUT...

YOU NEED SOMETHING...

WITH MORE HEAT.

YOUNG MAN,
THERE IS NO HEAT

IN BASEBALL CAPS
AND WINDBREAKERS.

YOU'RE RIGHT,
THERE'S NOT.

BUT IT'S MY JOB TO
MAKE PEOPLE THINK
THAT THERE IS.

"THE ONE THING TO WEAR".
WE RUN THESE

IN ALL THE
TOP-END MAGAZINES.

"VANITY FAIR",
"ESQUIRE" "GQ".

WE APPEAL
TO WOMEN

BECAUSE THEY
DO MOST OF THE
SPENDING, AND...

TO THE NEW
GAY MARKET.

HERMAN, WOULD YOU
BRING ME A STEAK,

MEDIUM-RARE?
YES, SIR.

Debbie:
NOTICE HOW I CALL
ATTENTION TO IT

WITHOUT CALLING
ATTENTION TO IT?

IT'S CALLED CLASS.

GOT ANY ICE?

WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS?

FOR MY WATER!

[ Chuckling ]

COMIN' RIGHT UP.

HEY, MR. MONEYBAGS.

WHAT CAN I
GET FOR YOU?

A DOUGHNUT, PLEASE.

YOU GOT IT.

BEEN SHOPPING?

OF COURSE HE HAS.

WHAT ELSE DOES A
FAGGOT OF LEISURE

HAVE TO DO ALL
DAY EXCEPT SHOP?

TOO MANY PEOPLE,
TOO TIRING, TOO COLD.

AND COMPLAIN?

[ Chuckling ]

WELL, THERE WERE A
FEW INTERESTING SALES,

BUT, UM, BUT THEN I
REALIZED I DON'T NEED
TO BUY ON SALE ANY MORE

AND IT ALL SUDDENLY
SEEMED SO EMPTY.

Ted & Michael:
[ Chuckling ]

ONE QUEER DOUGHNUT
ON THE HOUSE.

THANKS, DEB.

SO I, UH, I
BEGAN TO THINK.

ALWAYS A DANGEROUS SIGN.

I'VE INHERITED,
YOU KNOW,

MORE THAN, UH,
VAST SUMS OF MONEY.

I-I'VE INHERITED
RESPONSIBILITY.

I MEAN, I-I-I BOUGHT
PRESENTS FOR EVERYONE

EXCEPT FOR THE ONE PERSON
WHO MADE IT POSSIBLE.

GEORGE.

EM, GEORGE IS DEAD.

I KNOW.

I MEAN, I KNOW
I CAN'T BUY HIM,

YOU KNOW, A CAR OR
A WATCH, BUT, UH...

I CAN HONOUR
HIS MEMORY.

WELL, HE'S ALREADY
GOT LOTS OF THINGS
TO HONOUR HIS MEMORY.

A CONCERT HALL.

AND A PICKLE.

I WAS THINKING, UH,
MORE ALONG THE LINES

OF THE GEORGE SCHICKEL HOME
FOR GAY AND LESBIAN YOUTH.

GEORGE SURE KNEW
WHAT HE WAS DOING

WHEN HE GAVE THAT
MONEY TO YOU, HONEY.

HELLO.

GET YOU ANYTHING?

EMMETT HONEYCUTT?

I'M EMMETT HONEYCUTT,

BUT I'M NOT ON THE MENU.

THIS IS FOR YOU.

WHAT IS IT?

SOMETHING ABOUT
THE SCHICKEL ESTATE.

LET ME
SEE THAT.

YADA-YADA... "TO
INFORM YOU THAT...

YADA-YADA...

YADA-YADA WHAT?

Ted:
[ Clearing
of throat ]

THE SCHICKEL FAMILY...

IS CONTESTING
EMMETT'S INHERITANCE.

BUT...

THEY CAN'T DO
THAT. HE... HE
LEFT IT TO ME.

WELL, APPARENTLY
THEY THINK HE
SHOULD'VE LEFT
IT TO THEM.

THEY'VE FROZEN
YOUR ACCOUNT.

WELL, WH-WHAT
DOES THAT MEAN?

IT MEANS MAYBE
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE...

PASSED UP THOSE SALES
QUITE SO QUICKLY.

YOU TOLD HER TO
LEAVE WITHOUT
EVEN ASKING ME?

YOU NEVER WANTED
HER HERE IN THE
FIRST PLACE.

WELL, I LIKE THAT
SHE'S HERE NOW.

I BET YOU DO.
SHE'S DOING
AN AMAZING JOB.

AND NOT JUST
IN THE ATTIC.
EXCUSE ME?

ALL THIS TIME
I'M THINKING

THE REASON THAT WE'RE
NOT FEELING VERY SEXUAL

IS BECAUSE
WE'RE TOO TIRED,

UH, THAT WE
HAVE TOO MUCH
ON OUR MINDS. I
DIDN'T REALIZE

WHAT YOU HAVE ON
YOUR MIND WAS HER.

WELL, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
OH, GOD,

DON'T LIE TO ME.

I'VE LIVED WITH YOU
FOR SEVEN YEARS.

I KNOW YOU.

SO MAYBE I DO FIND HER...
[ Shuddering ]

ATTRACTIVE.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

[ Scoffing ]
ME? THAT WAS YEARS AGO.

NOW WHO'S LYING?

OH...

THE MINUTE SHE
CAME ZOOMING BACK
INTO YOUR LIFE,

YOU COULDN'T WAIT
TO JUMP ON THE BACK
OF HER MOTORCYCLE.

ALL RIGHT.

SO SHE'S HOT. SO WHAT?

YOU KNOW, YOU TWO
OUGHT TO HAVE SOMEONE
SOUNDPROOF THE BOUDOIR.

YOU CAN HEAR EVERY WORD.

CHRIST!

JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT
I'M SORRY FOR ANY GRIEF.

HEY, LE... LEDA.

I... I FEEL LIKE
WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS
FOR TOO LONG.

WE DON'T WANT
YOU TO LEAVE
LIKE THIS.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT'S BULLSHIT.

[ ?????? ]

?? SUCH A SWEET FACE ??

[ ?????? ]

?? BETTER MOVE FASTER
BETTER MOVE FASTER ??

[ ?????? ]

?? SLEEP LIKE... ??

?? THE WINTER ??

[ ?????? ]

$1,200
FOR LUNCH?

WHAT THE HELL
WERE YOU DOING
IN CHICAGO?

[ Ringing of
remote phone ]

SAY HELLO TO OUR
LATEST CLIENT,

LEO BROWN.

Brown: [ On phone ]
Hello?

MR. BROWN?

GARDNER VANCE.

I JUST WANTED
TO WELCOME YOU
ABOARD, SIR.

OH YES.
OH-HO-HO, HE...

HE... HE
CERTAINLY IS.

YES.

ABSOLUTELY.

I WILL, SIR.
THANK YOU.

HE SENDS HIS REGARDS.

UH, HOW... I'VE
BEEN AFTER HIM
FOR YEARS.

HOW DID YOU MANAGE THAT?

DID MY HOMEWORK.

WELL, I SUPPOSE THIS
CALLS FOR A COHIBA.

I THINK IT
CALLS FOR MORE
THAN THAT.

BROWN SIGNED A TWO-YEAR
COMMITMENT BASED ON...

ONE CONTINGENCY.

WHAT'S THAT?

HEY, SUNSHINE!

COME CONGRATULATE ME.

YOUR PARTNER JUST...

MADE PARTNER.

OH, HEY, CAN YOU
LOAN ME A 10?

HOW THE MIGHTY
HAVE FALLEN.

THERE YOU GO.

Michael:
LOOK WHO
IT IS.

AH... HIYA,
STRANGER.

AH, THE FACE
LOOKS FAMILIAR...

SHUT THE
FUCK UP.

UNFORTUNATELY
THE VOICE SOUNDS
THE SAME.

WHEN DID YOU
GET BACK?

A FEW HOURS AGO.

WHERE'S JUSTIN?

[ Chuckle ]

HE'S NOT HERE.

WHERE IS HE?
I'VE GOT BIG NEWS.

HE WENT TO
VERMONT.

[ Chuckle of
disbelief ]

SNOWBOARDING.
AH...

ALONE?

ALONE.

SO, UH, WHAT'S
THE BIG NEWS? YEAH.

NOTHING.

[ Muffled club ?????? ]

[ Mixed chatter/laughter ]

?? OOH, LOVE ??

?? OOH, LOVER BOY ??

?? WHAT YOU DOING TONIGHT ??
?? OOH, HEY, BOY ??

?? SET MY ALARM
TURN ON MY CHARMS ??

?? THAT'S BECAUSE I'M A
GOOD OLD-FASHIONED LOVER BOY ??

?? OOH, LET ME FEEL
YOUR HEARTBEAT ??

?? GROW FASTER, FASTER ??

?? OOH, CAN YOU FEEL
MY LOVE HEAT ??

?? COME ON AND SIT
ON MY HOT SEAT OF LOVE ??

?? TELL ME HOW DO YOU FEEL
RIGHT AFTER ALL ??

?? I'D LIKE FOR YOU AND I
TO GO ROMANCING ??

?? SAY THE WORD,
YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND ??

?? OOH, LOVE ??

?? OOH, LOVER BOY ??

?? WHAT YOU DOING TONIGHT ??
?? OOH, HEY, BOY ??

?? WRITE MY LETTER
FEEL MUCH BETTER ??

?? AND USE MY FANCY PATTER
ON THE TELEPHONE ??

?? WHEN I'M NOT WITH YOU ??

?? THINK OF YOU ALWAYS ??

?? I MISS THOSE LONG
HOT SUMMER NIGHTS ??

?? WHEN I'M NOT WITH YOU ??

?? THINK OF ME ALWAYS ??

?? I LOVE YOU, LOVE YOU ??

?? HEY BOY, WHERE
DID YOU GET IT FROM ??

?? HEY BOY,
WHERE DID YOU GO ??

?? I LEARNED MY PASSION ??

?? IN THE GOOD OLD-FASHIONED
SCHOOL OF LOVER BOYS ??

[ ?????? ]

MOO!

?? DINING AT THE RITZ ??

?? WE'LL MEET AT 9:00 ??
?? ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR ??

?? PRECISELY ??
?? FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT ??