Queer as Folk (2000–2005): Season 2, Episode 15 - Episode #2.15 - full transcript

WHOA-OH. HE'S TOO HOT TO BE A COASTER.

THAT'S THE MAGIC OF ECSTASY. EVERYBODY LOOKS GOOD.

GOOD? HE'S PRACTICALLY A SUPERHERO.

ALL HE NEEDS IS A SPANDEX BODY SUIT,

AND HE'S READY TO SAVE THE UNIVERSE.

THERE. HOW'S THAT?

NOW HE JUST NEEDS AN INSIGNIA ON HIS CHEST.

A LIGHTNING BOLT?

UH, AN ATOM?

AN "E".

"E"!



AND A MASK, OF COURSE.

OF COURSE!

OH! AND A CAPE?

CAPES ARE SO LAST CENTURY.

BUT HE DOES NEED A SUPERPOWER.

HE WOULDN'T BE A SUPERHERO WITHOUT ONE.

HOW ABOUT PARALYZING BEAMS

THAT RADIATE FROM HIS DARK, SMOLDERING BEDROOM EYES?

OH, BETTER YET,

THE DE-MATERIALIZER RAYS THAT SHOOT FROM THE...

THE MEGA-BLASTER HE KEEPS CONCEALED IN HIS SUPER-SHORTS.

WHAT ARE YOU GIRLS ALL GIGGLY ABOUT?

OKAY. NO MORE DRUGS FOR YOU. AH.

THEN HOW ABOUT ANOTHER ROUND OF DRINKS, ON ME?



WHAT'S THE OCCASION, YOUR ONE BILLIONTH REJECTION?

BETTER.

THE NOMINATIONS FOR THE GAY PORN AWARDS WERE JUST ANNOUNCED.

AND GUESS WHO'S BEING RECOGNIZED

FOR HIS OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT?

NONE OTHER THAN JERK@WORK'S VERY OWN...

FETCH DIXON. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

A-AH. OH-HO, HEY! AWESOME.

THAT'S SO GREAT.

WAIT TILL YOU TELL EMMETT, HE'LL BE SO EXCITED.

IT'S ALWAYS GRATIFYING TO BE RECOGNIZED FOR YOUR HARD WORK.

AH. AH, HE COULD REALLY USE IT.

ESPECIALLY AFTER ALL HE'S BEEN THROUGH.

I CAN'T WAIT TO READ HIM THE OFFICIAL LETTER.

"DEAR MR. SCHMIDT,

THE ACADEMY OF PORNOGRAPHIC ARTS AND SCIENCES

IS PLEASED TO INFORM YOU...

THAT THE STAR OF YOUR PORN SITE,

FETCH DIXON, HAS BEEN NOMINATED FOR THE COVETED

CRYSTAL DICK AWARD AS INTERNET NEW-CUMMER OF THE YEAR."

WELL?

ISN'T THIS FANTASTIC?

YEAH. IT'S VERY NICE.

NICE? YOU KNOW...

IT'S NOT EVERY DAY THAT SOMEONE GETS NOMINATED FOR A CRYSTAL DICK.

THAT'S HUGE.

I SUPPOSE.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

I'LL HIRE A LIMO TO DRIVE US. OKAY?

REALLY MAKE A... EVENT OUT OF IT.

GO IN STYLE.

HMM. THANKS, TEDDY, I DON'T...

REALLY FEEL MUCH LIKE CELEBRATING.

I KNOW, EM, BUT...

IT'S THE GAY PORNO AWARDS!

YOU KNOW,

YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF TO GET OUT, HAVE SOME FUN.

I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE IF GEORGE WERE STILL HERE TO ENJOY IT WITH ME,

I MIGHT CONSIDER IT.

BESIDES, I STILL HAVE A LOT OF THINGS TO DO, YOU KNOW, AND...

LIKE, FIGURE OUT WHAT TO SAY AT HIS FUNERAL.

YOU PLAN ON SPEAKING?

YEAH.

I WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW HOW WONDERFUL HE WAS.

WHAT WE SHARED.

BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, I...

STILL NEED TO SAY GOODBYE.

NEVER REALLY HAD THE CHANCE.

WELL...

THEN YOU SHOULD.

YOU TWO LOOK LIKE SHIT.

WHY DON'T YOU?

E-MAN SAVED ME.

HUH.

JESUS, YOU DIDN'T KEEP THAT?

ARE YOU KIDDING? IT'S FANFUCKING-TASTIC.

MUST BE THE DRUGS TALKING. NO,

IT'S ME, AND,

IT GOT ME THINKING.

THAT'S ALWAYS A DANGEROUS SIGN.

DO YOU MIND? I'M TRYING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND.

AFTER THEY KILLED OFF CAPTAIN ASTRO,

PEOPLE HAVE BEEN COMING INTO MY COMIC BOOK STORE

LOOKING FOR A GAY SUPERHERO, YOU KNOW, TO TAKE HIS PLACE.

BUT HE DOESN'T EXIST.

THAT'S WHEN IT CAME TO ME.

WHY WAIT FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO CREATE HIM?

WHY DON'T WE JUST CREATE HIM OURSELVES?

YOU MEAN, DO OUR OWN COMIC?

WHY NOT?

OKAY, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR MEDICATION.

WHAT...

PEOPLE MAKE THEIR OWN FILMS,

THEY WRITE BOOKS AND SCREENPLAYS.

WHY IS IT SO CRAZY?

WELL FOR ONE THING, I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT COMICS.

I DO. IT'S MY BUSINESS,

I'VE BEEN READING THEM ALL MY LIFE.

I COULD COME UP WITH A MILLION STORIES

EXCEPT I CAN'T DRAW FOR SHIT. YOU CAN.

WOULD BE KIND OF COOL.

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GET TOGETHER AND JUST BRAINSTORM?

YEAH.

I GUESS WE COULD GIVE IT A TRY. FINALLY,

YOU TWO BOYS WILL HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON BESIDES ME.

AND WHAT A RELIEF

NOT TO BE THE CENTRE OF EVERYONE'S UNIVERSE.

I GOT YOU, DON'T WORRY.

OKAY, ONE MORE STEP.

OH, THAT'S IT.

ALL RIGHT. AHHH.

OKAY.

OPEN YOUR EYES.

WOW.

UH... WHAT AM I LOOKING AT?

MY NEW STUDIO.

OR AT LEAST THE WAY I'VE IMAGINED IT. SEE?

I'VE MARKED WHERE EVERYTHING SHOULD BE, THE SINK,

THE SHELVES...

OH. IS THAT... IS THAT A SKYLIGHT?

IT'LL GIVE THE PLACE A NICE, LIGHT, AIRY FEEL,

DON'T YOU THINK? I...

THINK IT'LL GIVE OUR BANK ACCOUNT A NICE, LIGHT, AIRY FEEL TOO.

HEY, ANYBODY HERE?

IN THE ATTIC.

THE STUDIO.

I KNOW MONEY'S AN ISSUE,

WHICH IS WHY I'VE DONE MY RESEARCH.

I'VE PRICED ALL THE MATERIALS.

WHAT ABOUT THE PLUMBERS,

ELECTRICIANS, CARPENTERS...

UH... SKYLIGHT GUYS?

NEW FANBELT'S HERE.

IF YOU CAN SPARE YOUR WHEELS,

I'LL POP IT IN RIGHT NOW.

WHOA. KILLER SPACE.

IT'S GOING TO BE MY NEW STUDIO. COOL.

LEEDS, YOU KNOW RENO. CAN YOU PRICE THIS?

MMM. WELL...

IF YOU USE A CONTRACTOR...

MY GUESSTIMATE'S TEN.

BUT THEN, THEY ALWAYS SAY

TO DOUBLE IT.

THAT'S A SIZEABLE CHUNK OF CHANGE.

TOO SIZEABLE.

UNLESS, OF COURSE...

I DO IT FOR YOU.

OH, WE COULDN'T POSSIBLY ASK THAT.

WHO'S ASKING? I'M OFFERING. YEAH,

IT STILL SOUNDS LIKE IT'LL COST A BUNDLE.

IT JUST SO HAPPENS

THE DYKES I'M HOUSE-SITTING FOR

ARE BACK FROM THEIR CLEANSING IN INDIA

AND THAT I'M GOING TO NEED A PLACE TO CRASH.

AND WE HAVE A COUCH.

I GET A ROOF OVER MY HEAD,

COMPLETE WITH SKYLIGHT, AND IN EXCHANGE...

YOU GET YOUR STUDIO.

WELL, I THINK IT SOUNDS

LIKE THE PERFECT SOLUTION. EXCEPT,

AS YOU KNOW,

AN ARTIST'S STUDIO IS A PRIVATE, PERSONAL SPACE.

I'D LIKE TO BE ABLE TO CREATE IT FOR MYSELF.

SO, THANK YOU FOR THE OFFER,

LEDA, BUT...

NO THANKS.

WELL.

WHEN DO WE START ACCIDENTALLY LOSING FINGERS?

HOW ABOUT THIS?

A YOUNG SCIENTIST IS DOING AN EXPERIMENT IN RADIATION

WHEN HE GETS BITTEN BY A RADIOACTIVE BUG?

YEAH. THAT'S SPIDERMAN.

OH.

KING OF THE SEAS. HE BREATHES...

UNDERWATER.

THAT'S AQUAMAN.

ARGH!

OKAY, I KNOW, I GOT IT.

HE'S SENT TO EARTH BY HIS PARENTS WHEN HE'S JUST A BABY

RIGHT BEFORE HIS PLANET EXPLODES.

WHEN HE GETS HERE, HE DISCOVERS HE HAS ALL THESE SUPERPOWERS...

YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME.

WELL THEN, YOU THINK OF SOMETHING.

YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE MILLION GREAT IDEAS.

WELL UNFORTUNATELY, THEY'VE ALL BEEN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT OF.

WELL MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST FORGET IT.

NO, IT... IT'LL COME TO US, I KNOW.

WE'VE BEEN SITTING HERE FOR HOURS.

YOU CAN'T RUSH A BRILLIANT IDEA.

HUH!

YOU KNOW, WHOEVER OUR GUY IS, HE DOESN'T...

HAVE TO BE YOUR STANDARD SUPERHERO STEROID CASE.

IT'S HIS MIND THAT MAKES HIM SEXY.

IT'S HIS FIERCE INDIVIDUALISM...

THAT GIVES HIM COURAGE.

HIS UNCOMPROMISING MORAL CODE...

THAT MAKES HIM STRONG.

WHAT IF HIS DISGUISE

IS THAT HE'S A COLD-HEARTED AD EXEC BY DAY...

DEFENDER OF QUEERS BY NIGHT.

NOW, ALL WE NEED IS A NAME.

OKAY.

FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!

THE FURY? PISSED-OFF MAN.

RAGE.

IT'S GENIUS!

ONCE YOU'VE CLEARED THIS,

YOU CAN WORK ON THOSE PIECES OVER THERE.

YES, SIR.

MR. HONEYCUTT,

PLEASE ACCEPT MY MOST SINCERE CONDOLENCES.

THANK YOU, JONATHAN. AND MINE TO YOU.

I, UH... I CAN'T IMAGINE HOW GEORGE WILL MANAGE UP THERE WITHOUT YOU.

HE'S IN FAR MORE CAPABLE HANDS NOW.

I EXPECT YOU'VE COME FOR YOUR THINGS.

ALLOW ME TO GET THEM FOR YOU.

A-ACTUALLY, I'D PREFER TO DO IT MYSELF.

I'D, UH... I'D LIKE TO BE IN HIS ROOM ONE LAST TIME.

AND, UH... AND I WAS KIND OF HOPING TO, UH,

TAKE A LITTLE SOMETHING TO REMEMBER HIM BY.

HIS, UH, HIS SNUGLY OLD RED CARDIGAN.

JONATHAN,

GO GET MR. SCHICKEL'S SWEATER.

I'M SO SORRY, MRS. SCHICKEL.

I KNOW GEORGE'S PASSING MUST BE A TREMENDOUS LOSS.

I DON'T KNOW HOW I'LL MANAGE TO FILL THE VOID.

CAREFUL WITH THAT. IT'S VERY VALUABLE.

I'M SURE YOU'LL FIND A WAY.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

THERE'S SO MUCH I HAVE TO DO.

I CAN IMAGINE. BACK HOME,

WHEN SOMEONE PASSED AWAY, MY MOTHER AND AUNT LULAH

WERE COOKING FOR DAYS.

COOKING?

W-WELL, INSTEAD OF MAKING THE FUNERAL INTO A MOURNFUL OCCASION,

WE TRIED TO TURN IT INTO A CELEBRATION OF OUR LOVED ONE'S LIFE.

THAT'S, UH, THAT'S WHAT I PLAN TO DO AT GEORGE'S SERVICE.

WELL, THAT'S VERY SWEET. BUT REALLY, IT'S NOT NECESSARY.

IT'S NECESSARY FOR ME.

WELL UNFORTUNATELY, THERE WON'T BE TIME.

YOU SEE,

GEORGE WAS A VERY IMPORTANT MAN.

THERE'LL BE MANY... PROMINENT SPEAKERS TOMORROW,

CEOs, POLITICAL AND SPIRITUAL LEADERS.

OH, HERE'S THE SWEATER YOU REQUESTED.

TAKE IT,

ALONG WITH YOUR MEMORIES.

I'M SURE THEY'LL GIVE YOU GREAT COMFORT.

I WANT HIM TO HAVE A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT LOOK,

LIKE NO ONE'S EVER SEEN BEFORE.

AND DIFFERENT STORIES. YOU KNOW,

NOT JUST THE SAME OLD STUFF YOU SEE IN STRAIGHT COMICS.

BUT YOU KNOW, OUR GUY'S GAY. HE LIVES IN A GAY WORLD.

HE HAS GAY SEX.

AND WITH HIS SUPERPOWERS, PLENTY OF IT.

SO, WHAT KIND OF STORIES?

WELL, THERE WAS THIS ONE STORY I WAS THINKING ABOUT, BUT...

WHAT? NEVER MIND.

WELL, COME ON, TELL ME.

WE'RE PARTNERS NOW.

WE GOTTA SHARE WHAT'S ON OUR MINDS, IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW DUMB.

I WAS THINKING RAGE COULD SAVE THIS KID'S LIFE...

AFTER HE'S BASHED.

SEE, I TOLD YOU IT WAS A DUMB IDEA.

I NEVER SHOULD'VE BROUGHT IT UP. I'M SORRY.

I THINK IT'S A GREAT IDEA.

YOU DO?

I MEAN, IT'S AWFULLY PERSONAL.

WELL, THE BEST ART USUALLY IS.

BESIDES, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

TROUBLE IS, NO ONE SEEMS TO WANT TO LISTEN.

I MEAN, THEY WANT TO PRETEND IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

WELL, NOW'S YOUR CHANCE.

AND IT COULD BE HOW RAGE MEETS THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE.

I THOUGHT RAGE DIDN'T BELIEVE IN LOVE.

HUH!

WE'LL LET HIM THINK THAT.

YOU'RE UP.

LOOK AGAIN.

AND YOU'RE LATE.

IT'S AFTER 3:00. IT DOESN'T COUNT. I WAS WITH MICHAEL.

ALL FUCKING NIGHT?

IT FELT LIKE FIVE MINUTES.

AND THE STUFF WE CAME UP WITH IS AMAZING.

IT'S LIKE WE SHARE THE SAME BRAIN.

YOU GET IT MONDAY, WEDNESDAY AND FRIDAY,

AND HE GETS IT TUESDAY AND THURSDAY?

HAH.

WHAT'S THAT?

OH, IT'S RESEARCH.

MICHAEL WANTS ME TO STUDY THE ILLUSTRATIONS

TO SOAK IT ALL IN.

CHECK OUT THIS ONE.

COME OVER HERE.

HUH.

WHAT?

PUT JUSTIN ON, QUICK.

IT'S FUCKING 4:00
IN THE MORNING.

CREATIVITY DOESN'T PUNCH A TIME-CLOCK.

OH MY GOD, THAT IS SO PROFOUND.

CAN YOU HOLD ON A MINUTE WHILE I WRITE IT DOWN?

YOU FREAK.

I JUST GOT THIS IDEA AND I COULDN'T WAIT.

What? Quick, tell me.

Maybe we could have...

WHAT...

NIGHTY-NIGHT, MIKEY.

THAT WAS IMPORTANT.

SO IS THIS.

MMM.

THAT FEELS...

GOOD.

I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING MORE REWARDING AND RELAXING

THAN RENOVATING AN OLD ATTIC.

AND IT'S SO SIMPLE.

YOU JUST NEED A FEW TOOLS AND SOME WELL CHOSEN MATERIALS,

AND IN NO TIME THAT EMPTY SPACE WILL BE TRANSFORMED

INTO A COZY LIVING AREA

THAT IS SURE TO BE ONE OF YOUR FAVOURITE PLACES IN THE HOUSE.

I KNOW MINE IS.

AND, MOST IMPORTANTLY, IT'LL BE... A SNAP.

WHO'S THIS CRAZY BITCH?

IT'S A REMODELLING VIDEO.

THE SALESPERSON AT THE HARDWARE STORE

SAID TO FOLLOW ALONG

AND DO EXACTLY AS SHE DOES.

WELL THEN, YOU'VE ALREADY FUCKED UP.

HOW'S THAT?

YOU'RE NOT WEARING PEARLS.

LET'S MEASURE OUR PLYWOOD LENGTHWISE.

HERE'S A TIP THAT I JUST LOVE:

I ALWAYS KEEP A TAPE MEASURER ON MY KEY CHAIN.

THAT WAY, IF ANYTHING REQUIRES...

UH, 'SCUSE ME, GIRLS?

HUH?

THAT'S THE WRONG WAY.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

WHEN IT COMES TO MEASURING WOOD, I'M AN EXPERT.

YEAH... OKAY.

AH. SEE HOW EASY THIS IS?

I TOLD YOU WE DON'T NEED LEDA.

DO I DETECT A NOTE OF JEALOUSY?

OF LEDA?

NO, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

THEN WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU LET HER HELP YOU OUT?

THAT'S WHAT I'D LIKE TO KNOW.

I ALREADY TOLD YOU:

WE CAN DO IT OURSELVES.

THERE, SEE HOW EASILY THE PLYWOOD CUTS?

THAT NICE CLEAN EDGE.

AND NEVER LET SAWDUST GO TO WASTE.

I COLLECT UP EVERY PARTICLE AND STORE IT IN THE FREEZER.

IN THE SPRING, I'LL MIX IT WITH FRESH SOIL

AND HAVE AN INTERESTING AND INEXPENSIVE MULCH FOR MY GARDEN.

HEY, HEY, WHOA!

HEY, WATCH WHERE YOU POINT THAT THING. YES, YES!

WHAT KIND OF A DYKE ARE YOU?

YOU CAN'T EVEN HANDLE A POWER TOOL? OH, GO AWAY

AND PLAY WITH YOUR SON.

WHILE YOU'VE STILL GOT YOUR LEGS.

YEAH, YEAH.

DON'T WE PUT IT OVER THERE?

GO WITH THE LINES.

WE MARKED IT, ALREADY.

IT'S A SNAP.

GEORGE LOVED HIS CITY.

HE LOVED HIS COMPANY.

BUT MOST OF ALL, HE LOVED HIS FAMILY.

I'M REMINDED OF A STORY THAT HE AND HIS DEVOTED WIFE, VIRGINIA,

ONCE RELAYED TO ME.

ONE DAY, THEIR DAUGHTER FRANKIE CAME HOME FROM SCHOOL,

UPSET TO HAVE LEARNED OF HUNGRY CHILDREN,

VICTIMS OF AN EARTHQUAKE IN SOUTH AMERICA...

THIS IS SOME EVENT.

EVERYBODY WHO'S ANYBODY'S HERE.

YEAH, EVERYBODY WHO DIDN'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH GEORGE

WHEN HE WAS ALIVE.

ALL THE MORE REASON I'M GLAD I CAME.

LET'S FIND A SEAT.

...A FAMILY MAN CARING FOR FAMILIES.

THAT'S WHAT GEORGE SCHICKEL WAS ALL ABOUT.

AND I, FOR ONE, WILL MISS HIM DEEPLY.

WE'VE HEARD MANY TRIBUTES TO GEORGE SCHICKEL THIS AFTERNOON.

IT'S OBVIOUS THAT THIS MUCH BELOVED MAN

NOT ONLY BROUGHT NOURISHMENT TO THE WORLD GO ON.

THROUGH THE PICKLE THE PEOPLE PREFER, NOW'S YOUR CHANCE.

BUT ALSO EMOTIONAL NOURISHMENT JUST DO IT.

TO HIS FAMILY, TO HIS COMMUNITY,

INDEED TO ALL OF PITTSBURGH... UM, I-I'D LIKE TO...

SAY SOMETHING.

SORRY, SIR.

IT'S FOR FRIENDS AND FAMILY ONLY. I AM A FRIEND.

I'M MORE THAN A FRIEND.

T-TAKE YOUR... LET GO OF ME!

OKAY, I... LOOK, I... TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF OF HIM!

TEDDY!

JUST TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF OF HIM!

WILL EVERYONE PLEASE RISE FOR THE 23rd PSALM?

OKAY.

GOOD... WAIT. THAT'S REALLY GOOD.

COULD YOU MAKE HIS JAW A LITTLE WIDER?

THAT'S PERFECT. IT LOOKS JUST LIKE...

EXCUSE ME, HAS ANYONE SEEN MY FUCKING FLOOR?

UH-OH! DON'T GET HIM MAD.

YEAH, OR HE'LL EMIT HIS TELEKINETIC DEATH STARE

AND MAKE YOUR HEAD EXPLODE.

THAT'S ONE OF HIS POWERS.

HE CAN CONTROL YOUR MIND WHENEVER HE WANTS.

HUH, YEAH WELL...

WHAT I WANT IS MY LOFT.

WAIT, DON'T TOUCH THOSE. HEY, THOSE ARE IN SEQUENCE.

DON'T WALK THAT WAY.

WELL, HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO GET TO MY BEDROOM?

GO AROUND. YEAH.

UH-HUH.

HEY!

SO, HERE IS WHERE ZEPHYR TRIES TO STOP RAGE

FROM USING HIS HETERO-BLASTER.

DO YOU THINK ZEPHYR COULD BE A LITTLE TALLER

AND HAVE BIGGER PECS? WHAT FOR?

WELL, HE IS RAGE'S BEST FRIEND. HE'S...

HE SHOULD LOOK ALMOST AS GOOD.

YOU GOT IT, ZEPH.

YOU KNOW, SPEAKING OF PECS,

IT'S "CHEST OF DEATH" NIGHT

AT BABYLON. MM-HMM.

OKAY.

SO GET READY.

WE GOTTA FINISH THIS FIRST.

WE'LL MEET YOU THERE.

WELL JUST REMEMBER, ALL WORK AND NO DICK

MAKE MIKEY AND SUNSHINE DULL BOYS.

BRING IT DOWN, BRING IT DOWN.

OKAY. WE'RE DOWN TO OUR SIX FINALISTS.

WHO'S THE MAN WITH THE HOTTEST PECS IN PITTSBURGH?

OOH. HONEY,

ARE THOSE NIPPLES OR BATHTUB STOPPERS?

ALL RIGHT, BOYS.

COME ON, NOW, LET'S MAKE SOME NOISE!

LET'S HEAR IT, BABYLON, LET'S HEAR IT.

THAT'S IT, YOU KNOW HOW.

TO BE THROWN OUT,

LIKE SO MUCH GARBAGE. I KNOW,

IT WAS AWFUL. BY THOSE TWO HUGE,

BRUTAL MONSTERS. UNDER OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES,

IT MIGHT'VE BEEN HOT.

GUESS I'LL NEVER GET TO SAY MY SPEECH NOW.

YOU CAN SAY IT TO ME.

I'LL LISTEN.

THANKS, TEDDY, I...

WOULDN'T BE THE SAME.

EM...

SOMETHING TELLS ME WE'VE BEEN STOOD UP.

OVER A COMIC BOOK.

MORE THAN JUST A COMIC BOOK.

IT'S NOTHING AS SEXUAL AS THE ACT OF CREATION.

WHEN... WHEN I'M WRITING, AND IT'S...

IT'S POURING OUT OF ME,

I SWEAR TO GOD, I'M LIKE, COMPLETELY TURNED ON.

SOMETIMES, I EVEN GET A HARD-ON.

IS THAT WHAT THEY MEAN BY "STROKE OF GENIUS?"

IT'S THE FUCKING GREATEST ORGASM THERE IS.

YOU HAVE YOUR ORGASMS BETWEEN THE PAGES,

I'LL HAVE MINE BETWEEN THE SHEETS.

NUMBER FIVE,

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING YOU'D LIKE TO GET OFF YOUR CHEST?

HOW ABOUT ME?

I BET IT'S THE SAME WITH MICHAEL AND JUSTIN.

CAN I HEAR A LITTLE NOISE FROM OVER HERE?

WHAT THEY'RE SHARING

IS THE MOST INTENSE FORM OF INTIMACY THERE IS.

NOTHING, NOT EVEN THE HOTTEST FUCK IN THE WORLD, CAN COME CLOSE.

OKAY, NOW... SWEETIE...

LET'S HAVE ANOTHER DRINK...

WHILE OUR BOYFRIENDS ARE CHEATING ON US.

...WE'RE NOT GONNA MAKE HIM TALK, DON'T WORRY.

NOW, COME ON, BOYS, NOW LET'S MAKE SOME NOISE.

COME ON, BABYLON. TAKE IT UP, COME ON.

THAT'S IT, BRING IT UP...

SEE?

I TOLD YOU WE COULD DO IT.

YEAH, WE DID IT ALL RIGHT.

IT'S A MESS.

IT'S NOT SO BAD.

AFTER WE PLASTER IT OVER,

THE FEW LITTLE IMPERFECTIONS WON'T EVEN SHOW.

INSTALLING YOUR NEW SINK WILL BE... A SNAP.

EVERYTHING WITH THIS BITCH IS A SNAP.

WE'VE ALREADY ATTACHED IT TO THE WALL

AND IT ONLY TOOK 20 MINUTES.

TRY 7 HOURS AND 20 MINUTES.

NOW, LET'S CONNECT THE SINK TO OUR PIPES.

TAKE YOUR WRENCH...

GOT IT. ...AND IN A STRONG,

CIRCULAR MOTION,

TWIST THE END OF THE PIPE, LIKE SO.

THAT'S IT. GIVE IT A NICE STRONG GRIP.

YOU'LL FIND THIS... MEL, CAN YOU HELP ME OUT HERE?

NOW WE CAN ATTACH OUR PIPES.

IT'S A SNAP.

LUCKILY,

WE TURNED OFF THE WATER MAIN FIRST,

OR WE'D HAVE A DISASTER ON OUR HANDS.

DIDN'T YOU TURN OFF THE WATER?

I WAS GOING TO,

BUT THEN YOU SAID, "NO, I'LL TURN IT OFF."

NO, THAT WAS THE POWER.

I TURNED OFF THE POWER WHEN I DID THE WIRING.

YOU MEAN, WHEN YOU BLEW OUT THE FUSES!

THERE. NOW YOU HAVE RUNNING WATER IN YOUR ATTIC.

COME ON IN.

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A LITTLE CONTEST OF OUR OWN.

SOME POWER PECS?

POWER PECKERS.

CAREFUL, DON'T... DON'T STEP ON ANYTHING, IT...

IT'S ALL IN SEQUENCE.

RISE AND SHINE, SUNSHINE.

SHIT.

GO DOWN, GO DOWN. YEAH.

PARTY'S OVER.

COME ON. THE PARTY'S OVER. JOIN US.

GET YOUR CLOTHES ON.

PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON. WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT THE FUCK?

JUST GET OUT, OKAY?

GET OUT!

GO. FUCK YOU.

FUCK, FUCK!

FUCK.

HMMM-MMM.

HMMMM.

WHAT THE FUCK?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE BEN.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE BRIAN.

I GUESS WE FELL ASLEEP. YEAH.

BRIAN?

HE MUST'VE SLEPT ON THE COUCH.

MICHAEL.

HOLY SHIT!

DID YOU DO THIS?

DID YOU?

ANSWER US.

YOU ARE TOTALLY FUCKED.

HOW DARE YOU PISS ON OUR WORK?

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA

THE HOURS THAT WE PUT INTO THAT?

WE WANT AN EXPLANATION.

BESIDES THE FACT

THAT YOU'RE THE WORLD'S BIGGEST PRICK.

WELL, DON'T JUST SIT THERE.

SAY SOMETHING.

COME ON, LET'S GO.

ONE LAST THING.

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S PATHETIC.

GIVE ME A MINUTE BETWEEN ROUNDS,

THEN YOU CAN HAVE A GO AT ME.

ARTICLE 14 OF THE SUPER-MOM HANDBOOK

SAYS NO KICKING ASSHOLES WHEN THEY'RE DOWN.

THEY'D TAKE AWAY MY HALO.

I'M NOT AN ASSHOLE, I'M JUST DRAWN THAT WAY.

WELL I'M SORRY TO DISAGREE WITH YOU, KIDDO,

BUT THIS TIME THE LIKENESS IS ACCURATE.

I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T GOING TO BEAT ME UP.

LET ME FINISH.

BUT I UNDERSTAND.

'CAUSE YOU'RE JEALOUS.

I DON'T DO JEALOUS. JEALOUS IS FOR LESBIANS.

WELL THEN, YOU'D BETTER START LIKING PUSSY.

'CAUSE YOU GOT A LITTLE GREEN-EYED MONSTER INSIDE YOU

THAT IS EATING YOUR GUT.

YOU MEAN THAT'S NOT THE COFFEE? HUH.

I FIGURED YOU'D HAVE SOME SMART-ASS REMARK

AND DENY YOUR FEELINGS AS ALWAYS.

BUT YOU DON'T FOOL ME.

'CAUSE IF YOU DIDN'T LOVE THEM AS MUCH AS YOU DO,

YOU WOULDN'T GIVE A SHIT

THAT THEY'RE SPENDING TIME TOGETHER,

AND SHARING SOMETHING YOU'RE NOT A PART OF.

WHAT YOU DON'T GET IS,

THAT THEY FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT YOU.

EVEN MORE SO.

THEY WORSHIP THE GROUND YOU WALK ON.

OR CAN'T YOU SEE IT?

YOU'RE THEIR FUCKING HERO.

AT LEAST YOU WERE.

IT'S THE NIGHT OF NIGHTS.

WHAT EVERYONE IN THE INDUSTRY HAS WAITED FOR ALL YEAR.

WHEN THE GRENADA INN IS TRANSFORMED INTO AN X-RATED XANADU.

THEN, AFTER THE CEREMONIES,

THERE'S THE GOVERNOR'S BALL.

EVERY PORN STAR WILL BE THERE, IN PERSON.

ZACK O'TOOL, ROGER MOREHEAD, WILL HARDIN.

ONLY, THIS TIME...

YOU'RE ONE OF THEM, EMMETT.

THE POSSIBLE NEW-CUMMER OF THE YEAR.

PICKLE?

DID YOU HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID?

YOU KNOW, WHEN I PUT GEORGE'S SWEATER ON...

I FEEL LIKE HIS ARMS ARE STILL AROUND ME. HMM.

HIS, UH... HIS SMELL'S STILL ON IT. THAT, UH...

THAT DELICATE COMBINATION OF VANILLA AND...

DILL.

EMMETT... GEORGE WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO BE A HERMIT.

HE WAS ONE. FOR YEARS.

AND NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY.

LISTEN TO ME.

IF YOU LET THOSE PEOPLE TAKE YOUR PRIDE,

THEN THEY'VE WON. IT'S MORE IMPORTANT THAN EVER

THAT YOU GET OUT AND CELEBRATE.

CELEBRATE WHAT, THAT I WHACKED OFF ON YOUR WEB SITE?

THAT YOU MADE A LOT OF PEOPLE HAPPY.

ESPECIALLY GEORGE.

SORRY, TEDDY.

WELL, ALL RIGHT. WELL THAT WAS MY LAST, AND MY BEST, PLEA.

IF YOU WIN, I'LL ACCEPT YOUR CRYSTAL DICK.

AND TELL THE WORLD HOW PROUD I AM OF YOU.

FUCKING ASSHOLE, HE RUINED EVERYTHING.

AT LEAST WE BACKED UP EVERYTHING ON YOUR COMPUTER.

OTHERWISE WE'D REALLY BE FUCKED.

YEAH, NOW WE JUST HAVE TO REPRINT EVERYTHING

ON ANOTHER COUPLE HUNDRED DOLLARS' WORTH OF INKJET PAPER.

WE'LL SEND BRIAN THE BILL.

LOOK, WE BOTH KNOW HOW HE CAN GET WHEN HE'S PISSED.

WHAT, THAT WE'RE DOING A COMIC BOOK?

WELL, WE DID KIND OF EXCLUDE HIM.

WE WERE WORKING.

IN HIS PLACE. IN HIS FACE.

LAST NIGHT, WE EVEN WOUND UP IN HIS BED.

IT'S NOT LIKE WE WERE FUCKING.

WELL, I GUESS EVEN A SUPERHERO CAN MORPH INTO A JERK.

DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE GONNA FORGIVE HIM. WHO SAID THAT?

PFFF. KNOWING YOU GUYS' DYSFUNCTIONAL HISTORY,

YOU'D PUT UP WITH ANYTHING.

WELL, YOU'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOW

THAT EVEN A GLUTTON FOR PUNISHMENT EVENTUALLY GETS HIS FILL.

ALL THIS TIME, I'VE BEEN FOOLING MYSELF.

THINKING HE LOVES ME.

HE DOES LOVE YOU.

YOU SAW HIS FACE THIS MORNING.

WE COULD'VE REMOVED HIS TEETH WITH PLIERS AND HE WOULD'VE HAVE LET US.

MAYBE WE SHOULD'VE. HE DESERVES IT.

WELL AT LEAST NOW,

WE KNOW WHAT RAGE'S FATAL WEAKNESS IS,

AND IT ISN'T KRYPTONITE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

PLEASE WELCOME LAST YEAR'S WINNER FOR BEST BOTTOM IN A GANGBANG

AND THREE-TIME NOMINEE FOR BEST JERK-OFF, SOLO,

BUFF THOMPSON AND JASON COX.

WOW, JACE.

THREE-TIME NOMINEE FOR BEST JERK-OFF.

ARE YOU UP THIS YEAR?

I'M UP EVERY YEAR, BUFF.

MAYBE THIS TIME I'LL PULL IT OFF.

DON'T PULL IT OFF, OR YOU'LL NEVER WIN.

NOW, LET'S GET TO THE NOMINEES.

IN THE PORN SITE CATEGORY, THE NOMINEES...

FOR BEST NEW-CUMMER OF THE YEAR ARE...

MAX PULLMAN.

HARRY LYNCH.

FETCH DIXON.

JOEY HORN.

AND THE WINNER IS...

FETCH DIXON.

YES! YES!

OH, YES! YES! WHOO!

OH, YEAH, BABY. WHOO!

OH... WOW. AH!

ALL THOSE YEARS WATCHING JASON COX,

I CAN'T BELIEVE I FINALLY GOT TO SHAKE HIS HAND...

AHH,THEHAND.

OH, MY GOD. AHHH.

TO BE HOLDING A CRYSTAL DICK...

SUCH A THRILL.

AHH.

UM... OH, UH... NO, I'M...

I'M NOT, UH, FETCH, UH, DIXON.

UM, I'M... I'M HERE, UH,

ACCEPTING FOR HIM TONIGHT, UH, BECAUSE...

HE WAS... BECAUSE...

BOYS...

WITHOUT YOU, TED SCHMIDT,

I-I WOULD NEVER BE HERE TONIGHT.

UH... THANK YOU. UM...

THIS AWARD, UH, MEANS A... A LOT TO ME.

MORE THAN YOU'LL EVER KNOW.

UH... IF I HADN'T BEEN ON, UM...

I NEVER WOULD'VE MET THE MOST WONDERFUL MAN I'VE EVER KNOWN,

GEORGE SCHICKEL.

SHICKEL'S PICKLES?

THE PICKLE PEOPLE PREFER?

UM, I, UH... I HAVE THIS S-SPEECH PREPARED.

DIDN'T THINK I'D GET A CHANCE TO READ IT.

TO THE WORLD,

GEORGE SCHICKEL WAS A MAN OF PROMINENCE AND WEALTH.

BUT TO ME, HE WAS JUST... GEORGE.

LOVING, AFFECTIONATE, A BOY AT HEART

WHO JUST WANTED TO LOVE ANOTHER BOY.

I-I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO BE THAT BOY.

I LIKE TO THINK I BROUGHT A LITTLE FUN I-INTO HIS LIFE.

BUT WHAT HE GAVE ME WAS... SO MUCH MORE.

SOME... SOMETHING ALL HIS MONEY COULDN'T BUY.

HE MADE ME F...

FEEL LIKE I WAS SOMEBODY.

I LOVE YOU, GEORGIE.

WHAT WE HAD FOR A...

FOR A FEW SHORT MONTHS

WAS MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE HAVE IN A LIFETIME.

THANK YOU.

I'M GLAD YOU TWO DAMES FINALLY CAME TO YOUR SENSES.

IF YOU'D MADE ANY MORE OF A MESS,

I'D HAVE TO DETONATE, NOT RENOVATE.

OKAY WE KNOW, WE KNOW, WE REALLY SCREWED UP.

BIG TIME, BABE.

BUT, IT'S NOT TOO LATE. SO,

HOW LONG DO YOU THINK IT'LL TAKE TO UNDO THE DAMAGE?

ALL DEPENDS ON THE TRIANGLE OF EXPECTATION.

YOU CAN HAVE IT FAST...

AND CHEAP, BUT IT WON'T BE GOOD.

YOU CAN HAVE IT GOOD AND FAST,

BUT THAT WON'T BE CHEAP.

OR YOU CAN HAVE IT CHEAP AND GOOD,

BUT IT WON'T BE FAST.

SO IN OTHER WORDS, IT'LL BE READY NEXTTU B'SHVAT.

OR CHRISTMAS, WHICHEVER COMES FIRST.

BUT NOT TO WORRY, LADIES...

YOU WON'T EVEN KNOW I'M HERE.

OH...

OH.

HMM.

WELL, GOOD NIGHT, LEEDS.

GOOD NIGHT... SUGAR-LIPS.

I'LL BE RIGHT UP.

I JUST WANT TO SAY HOW GRATEFUL I AM YOU'RE DOING THIS.

AND HOW HAPPY I AM YOU'RE HERE.

YOU AND ME BOTH, OTHERWISE I'D BE SLEEPING IN THE PARK.

ALTHOUGH I MUST ADMIT, I HAD MY RESERVATIONS.

I KNOW.

BUT YOU'VE GOT NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

MEL LOVES YOU VERY MUCH.

THANKS.

WHAT THE FUCK? EVERYTHING'S BACK.

CAREFUL, BOYS.

DON'T STEP ON ANYTHING.

ALL RIGHT, KINNEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

I READ YOUR SHIT. IT'S FUCKING GOOD.

AND THE ARTWORK IS...

ART.

BUT THAT'S TO BE EXPECTED.

DON'T TRY TALKING YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS WITH COMPLIMENTS, DICKHEAD.

YEAH, AND DON'T THINK THAT JUST BY PUTTING EVERYTHING BACK THE WAY IT WAS

WE'RE JUST GOING TO FORGET.

YOU OWE US AN APOLOGY. SO START BEGGING.

I'M SORRY.

THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO DO,

GROVEL?

MEAN IT.

WHAT I DID WAS IMMATURE,

CHILDISH, VINDICTIVE.

IT WAS AN ACT OF CRUELTY

BASED ON IRRATIONAL FEARS AND UNFOUNDED...

JEALOUSY.

IF I WERE THE TWO OF YOU, I'D NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN.

THAT'S BETTER.

THAT'S REALLY GOOD.

SO WHY IS IT THAT I PREFER YOU

WHEN YOU'RE SHAMELESS AND UNAPOLOGETIC?

NOW, HERE'S THE DEAL.

FINISH YOUR WORK,

AND BUILD UP MY CHIN.

I'M A SUPERHERO, FOR CHRIST'S SAKES.

AND WHEN YOU'RE DONE, I'LL PUT TOGETHER A MARKETING CAMPAIGN

THAT'LL MAKE EVERY FAG ON THE INTERNET WANT TO BUY IT.

THAT IS, IF...

YOU WANT ME TO.

DEAL. DEAL.

SO WHERE'D WE LEAVE OFF?

OH, YEAH. WHERE, UM...

ZEPHYR GETS JEALOUS.

GOOD. RAGE TOOK J.T. BACK TO HIS LAIR,

ON TOP OF THEOPOLIS.

RIGHT. THEN THEY HAD AMAZING SEX.

WAIT. WHERE'S ZEPHYR NOW? I DON'T KNOW.

GETTING HIS TIGHTS TIGHTENED?

YOU KNOW, ZEPHYR CAN HAVE SEX ONCE IN A WHILE TOO.