Queer as Folk (2000–2005): Season 1, Episode 17 - French Fried - full transcript

OH, NO!

WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?

I GOT THIS. I GOT IT. HANG ON.

...BUT I KNEW WHAT IT MEANT. YEAH.

THERE YOU GO, SIR. OH...

I'LL GET THAT.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

I GOT IT.

THANK YOU.

MICHAEL, NO. NO.



NO. I GOT THIS. MICHAEL!

NO! THANK YOU.

GOT IT.

UNLESS YOU WANT ANYTHING ELSE

YEAH, I DO. DESSERT?

GOOD BOY.

CHOCOLATE DEATH, TWO FORKS.

I DON'T WANT DESSERT.

OH.

ONE FORK.

I WANT YOU TO STOP PAYING FOR EVERYTHING.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

YOU'RE ALWAYS PICKING UP THE CHEQUE,

AND BUYING THE MOVIE TICKETS AND GETTING THE GROCERIES.



SO? SO I'M WORKING.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SUPPORT ME.

I CAN AFFORD IT. YOU CAN'T. WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

IT'S A BIG DEAL TO ME.

I LIKE TO TAKE YOU NICE PLACES, MICHAEL.

AND I LIKE TO GO TO THEM BUT...

I DON'T LIKE YOU PAYING FOR ME ALL THE TIME.

I... I FEEL... FUNNY.

YOU PAY WHEN YOU CAN, DON'T YOU?

YEAH, AND SPEAKING OF WHICH...

THIS MONTH'S HOUSE EXPENSES.

THANK YOU.

SEE? I'M TAKING YOUR MONEY. YEAH.

$300 A MONTH. YOU'RE SURE THAT'S HALF OF EVERYTHING?

SURE.

THE CLEANING LADY? THE UTILITIES?

CHOCOLATE DEATH!

YOU WANT A BITE?

ISN'T "DYKE NITE" FUN?

CAN'T REMEMBER WHEN I HAD SUCH A GOOD TIME.

I HATE "DYKE NITE".

ME TOO. I FEEL SO VIOLATED.

EUW. WHAT'RE THEY DOING?

THE "MUNCHER MASH"? YOU KNOW...

SO, MEL,

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE AT "DYKE NITE"?

OH, BEFORE I MET LINDSAY.

REMEMBER, WE WEREN'T GOING TO MENTION HER.

HEY...

SHE'S CUTE.

SHE REMINDS ME OF LINDSAY WITH RED HAIR.

WHAT ABOUT HER?

SHE REMINDS ME OF LINDSAY WITH BLACK HAIR.

DON'T TELL ME.

HE REMINDS YOU OF LINDSAY IN DRAG.

I CAN'T HELP IT. I MISS HER.

I THOUGHT WE'D BE TOGETHER FOREVER;

THAT SHE'D BE THE ONE I KISSED GOOD NIGHT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

NOW I LIVE WITH MY COUSIN RITA,

AND KISS HER GOOD NIGHT.

CHRIST!

LOOK, MEL,

IT'S BEEN GREAT HANGING WITH YOU.

YOU'VE BEEN A GREAT FAG-HAG.

ONLY THE THING IS;

FAG-HAGS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FUN.

SO WHY DON'T YOU GO SEE LINDSAY,

TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL,

AND MAKE UP WITH HER, OKAY?

HOW CAN I DO THAT AFTER WHAT I DID?

WHATEVER YOU DID, YOU KNOW, IT TAKES TWO.

YOU GOT NOTHING TO LOSE,

UNLESS YOU REALLY WANT TO WAIT AROUND FOR THE NEXT...

"DYKE NITE". BRRRR.

YOU DRINK TOO MUCH COFFEE.

THIS ISN'T COFFEE. IT'S LATTE.

IT'S JUST COFFEE THAT COSTS FIVE BUCKS.

AND IT STILL CAUSES HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE,

HEART ATTACK, POOR SEXUAL PERFORMANCE.

I HAVEN'T HAD ANY COMPLAINTS.

NOT TO MENTION INSOMNIA.

WELL, USUALLY WHEN I'M IN MY BED, I'M NOT ASLEEP ANYWAY,

SO IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER.

SEE, FORTUNATELY I HAVE YOUTH ON MY SIDE.

I CAN STAY UP ALL NIGHT FUCKING

AND STILL SCORE 1,500 ON MY S.A.T.s.

1,500?

YEP. WOW!

YOU COULD GET INTO ANY SCHOOL YOU WANTED

WITH A SCORE LIKE THAT.

I APPLIED TO DARTMOUTH, BROWN...

YOU'RE GOING OUT OF STATE?

WHY? DO YOU GIVE A SHIT?

IT'S JUST THE FIRST I'VE HEARD OF IT, THAT'S ALL.

YOU DO!

YOU GIVE A SHIT!

YOU GIVE A SHIT!

YOU LOVE ME SO MUCH.

GET OUT!

BRIAN KINNEY GIVES A SHIT.

FUCK YOU. HA-HA.

MMM! WELL YOU LOOK SELF-SATISFIED.

I'D EVEN GO AS FAR AS TO SAY SUPERCILIOUS.

WE ALL KNOW YOU GOT 700 VERBAL.

STOP SHOWING OFF.

SO, WHAT DID HE SAY TO YOU?

HMM, IT'S WHAT HE DIDN'T SAY.

EXCUSE ME, FAGGOT.

I'M NOT A FAGGOT.

YOU LOOK LIKE ONE TO ME.

YOU WANNA SUCK MY COCK?

AW, CHRIST! CAN'T THEY THINK OF ANYTHING MORE ORIGINAL TO SAY?

LEAVE HIM ALONE, HOBBS.

OH, MUST BE A FAGGOT CONVENTION.

DON'T TAKE IT OUT ON HIM. TAKE WHAT OUT?

YOUR DICK.

FAGGOT.

OKAY, YOU TWO, BREAK IT UP.

NOW!

TAYLOR, NEXT TIME YOU CAUSE TROUBLE, YOU CAN TALK TO THE PRINCIPAL.

WHAT?

SIR, JUSTIN DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. IT WAS CHRIS.

HE CALLED HIM A FAGGOT.

TAKE YOUR SEATS. BOTH OF YOU.

BUELLER. HERE.

CHANDERS. HERE.

FRYE. HERE.

GUNDERMAN. HERE.

HOBBS. HERE.

LIPMAN, YOU'RE LATE.

MENDELSON. HERE.

RUIS. HERE.

TAYLOR. QUEER.

OKAY, CLASS, QUIET DOWN. THOMAS.

EXCUSE ME, MR. DIXON?

WHAT IS IT, TAYLOR?

CHRIS JUST CALLED ME QUEER.

I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING.

HOW COULD YOU NOT HEAR IT? EVERYBODY HEARD THAT.

SIT DOWN, TAYLOR.

I WANT HIM TO APOLOGIZE.

I SAID SIT DOWN.

AREN'T YOU GOING TO DO ANYTHING?

ARE YOU JUST GOING TO PRETEND THAT NOTHING HAPPENED?

ONE MORE WORD FROM YOU AND I'M SENDING YOU TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE.

HUH! DON'T BOTHER.

THE QUEER'S GOING. THE QUEER IS OUT THE DOOR.

THE QUEER IS GONE.

THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT.

OH! WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

HE SAYS IT; YOU DON'T HEAR A THING.

BUT WHEN I SAY IT...

WELL, LISTEN UP, NOW THAT YOUR HEARING HAS RETURNED.

THIS QUEER SAYS, "FUCK YOU!"

OKAY, THAT'S IT, TAYLOR. YOU ARE OUT OF HERE.

NEXT CUSTOMER, PLEASE.

HI, I'M PAUL. UH...

IF YOU OPEN UP A MONEY MARKET ACCOUNT WITH US TODAY,

YOU'LL GET A $50 GIFT CERTIFICATE

FOR LASER HAIR REMOVAL.

THANKS. I WAX.

UM, I WAS JUST LOOKING AT MY STATEMENT,

AND UNLESS I GOT A RAISE THAT NOBODY TOLD ME ABOUT,

UM, THERE'S A LOT MORE MONEY IN MY CHEQUING ACCOUNT THAN THERE SHOULD BE.

OH. UH, JUST SWIPE YOUR CARD AND ENTER YOUR PIN NUMBER.

WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED HELPING MY FRIEND,

COULD YOU CHECK THE BALANCE IN MY ACCOUNT?

SURE.

DO YOU WANT TO PUT DOWN THE NUMBER?

THIS IS YOUR PHONE NUMBER.

WOULD YOU PLEASE LET HIM HELP ME WITH MY FINANCIAL PROBLEM

BEFORE YOU HIT ON HIM?

SO HOW MUCH EXTRA DO YOU HAVE? ALMOST 1,000.

WELL, YOU SHOULD ALWAYS HAVE SUCH FINANCIAL PROBLEMS.

IT APPEARS SOME OF YOUR CHEQUES HAVEN'T CLEARED.

WHICH ONES?

NUMBER 566, 574.

583?

THAT ONE TOO.

WELL, THANKS.

WELL, AT LEAST I KNOW WHAT THE DISCREPANCY IS.

DAVID ISN'T CASHING MY CHEQUES.

WELL, MAYBE HE FORGOT.

YOU KNOW HOW PEOPLE ARE WHEN THEY GET TO BE HIS AGE.

COME ON, LET'S GO.

I'LL CHECK THIS OUT, SIR. EXCELLENT.

THERE ARE STILL CERTAIN SERVICES YOU CAN'T GET AT AN ATM.

LINZ...

MEL...

I, UM, CAME BY TO SEE GUS AND...

OH, LINZ, I MISS YOU SO MUCH.

I'VE WAITED SO LONG TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT.

I'M SORRY, BABY.

I'M SO SORRY FOR EVERYTHING.

ME TOO. AND IT DOESN'T MATTER WHOSE FAULT IT WAS.

NOW ALL THAT MATTERS... IS THIS.

OUI?

"WE"?

NO:"OUI".

AS IN, "IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WOULD LIKE?"

UH, ACTUALLY...

YES. I'D LIKE TO SEE LINDSAY.

AH, LINDSAY IS NOT HERE RIGHT NOW.

SHE'S TEACHING CLASS.

AND WHO ARE YOU?

I AM GUILLAUME. AND YOU ARE...?

MELANIE.

AH, MELANIE, THE EX-GIRLFRIEND.

YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO HAD THE AFFAIR.

OF COURSEEN FRANCE, THIS WOULD BE MEANINGLESS.

I-I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE TOLD YOU THAT.

LINDSAY AND I ARE VERY, UH,INTIME.

INTIMATE. I GOT IT.

LOOK, I STOPPED BY TO SEE MY SON.

MMM. I-I'M AFRAID IT'S NOT POSSIBLE. IT'S HIS FEEDING TIME.

WELL, I COULD DO... NO, NO, NO. NO.

I WILL DO IT. HE GETS VERY, UM...

WHAT YOU CALL IT? UH, FINICKY.

OKAY. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU ANYWAY,

AND WHY HASN'T LINDSAY EVER TOLD ME ABOUT YOU?

PERHAPS IT'S HER DECISION, NOW THAT YOU'RE NO LONGER LIVING TOGETHER,

NOT TO SHARE WITH YOU ALL THE DETAILS OF HER LIFE.

THIS IS NORMAL. Gus:

I'M ON MY WAY, MON PETIT CHOU.

SO, I TELL HER YOU STOP BY.

WHY WOULD DAVID KEEP TAKING MY CHEQUES

IF HE HAS NO INTENTION OF CASHING THEM?

WELL, MAYBE HE'S WAITING UNTIL NEXT QUARTER

WHEN HE HAS LESS TAX LIABILITY.

SPOKEN LIKE A TRUE ACCOUNTANT.

OR MAYBE HE'S JUST TAKING THEM TO HUMOUR YOU.

WELL, I'M NOT AMUSED. I CAN PAY MY OWN WAY.

VERY NOBLE. YEAH, AND STUPID!

MICHAEL, SWEETIE,

IT'S EVERY GAY BOY'S DREAM TO BE A KEPT WOMAN.

WHAT'S SHE DOING IN HERE?

OH, CHRIST! DO YOU THINK I'VE NEVER SEEN A DICK BEFORE?

NOT MINE!

IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY, EVERYONE.

SHE'S A LESBIAN.

OH, SHE'S A DYKE.

MELANIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I TOOK YOUR ADVICE AND I WENT TO GO SEE LINDSAY.

UH, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU TALKED TO HER?

A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

DID SHE MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT A FRENCH GUY?

NO.

A FRENCH GUY?

I WENT OVER TO SEE HER,

AND THIS FUCKING FROG ANSWERED THE DOOR.

SO? SO WHEN I TRIED TO SEE GUS,

HE SLAMMED THE GODDAMN DOOR IN MY FACE.

WELL, EVERYBODY KNOWS

THE FRENCH ARE FAMOUS FOR ECLAIRS,

ORAL SEX AND RUDENESS.

I ONCE HAD A DATE THAT INVOLVED ALL THREE.

MAYBE SHE JUST GOT HERSELF A BABYSITTER.

FROM FRANCE?

A LITTLE PRICEY ON HER TEACHER'S SALARY.

AND HOW COME SHE DIDN'T TELL US ABOUT IT?

Bonjour.

H-HEY, LISTEN TO THIS.

You have reached Lindsay and Guillaume

and beautiful baby Gus.

If you have a message for us,

kindly leave it after the beep.

"US."

IT'S PRETTY PUSHY FOR THE HELP.

IT MAKES IT SOUND LIKE THEY'RE A COUPLE.

QUELQUE CHOSE ISN'T KOSHER.

HEY.

YOU KNOW THE LAST TIME I BROUGHT HOT CHOCOLATE AND FIG NEWTONS UP HERE?

WHEN MICHAEL LIVED HERE?

SMART KID. HMMM.

HE'D LOCK HIMSELF IN HERE FOR HOURS AND HOURS.

TOLD ME HE WAS PLAYING WITH HIS MODEL AIRPLANES.

HA! I KNOW WHAT HE WAS PLAYING WITH.

HERE.

YOU WANT ONE?

NO THANKS.

IT'S A LOUSY THING THAT TEACHER DID,

HAVING YOU SUSPENDED.

YEAH, I COULD PUNCH DICKHEAD DIXON'S FACE IN.

CHRIS HOBBS' TOO.

ONLY THEN, YOU'D BE JUST LIKE THEM.

SO WHAT?

THEY DESERVE IT. SURE THEY DO.

BUT THERE ARE BETTER WAYS OF HANDLING IT.

HUH, QUIT SCHOOL?

AND GIVE THEM THE PLEASURE?

HMM?

YOU KNOW...

THERE WERE PEOPLE...

WHEN THEY FOUND OUT THAT MICHAEL WAS GAY...

WHO SAID, AND DID, THE CRUELEST THINGS.

FRIENDS...

NEIGHBOURS...

FAMILY.

MY OWN GODDAMN SISTER WOULDN'T EVEN LET HER KIDS COME OVER HERE.

SHE WAS AFRAID MICHAEL WAS GOING TO MOLEST THEM OR SOMETHING.

BECAUSE THAT'S THE WAY PEOPLE ARE.

THEY'RE IGNORANT AND THEY'RE SCARED.

AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO...

EXCEPT EDUCATE 'EM OR SHOOT 'EM.

ME, I JOINED P-FLAG, 'CAUSE I FIGURED

IT WAS MORE PRACTICAL THAN SHOOTING 'EM.

DO YOU HAVE A GAY CLUB AT YOUR SCHOOL?

ARE YOU CRAZY?

I'VE BEEN ACCUSED OF IT.

NO. I'M, LIKE, THE ONLY GAY STUDENT THERE.

I DOUBT THAT, SUNSHINE.

GAY KIDS ARE EVERYWHERE.

ONLY THEY'RE NOT ALL LIKE YOU...

'CAUSE THEY'RE AFRAID TO SHOW THEIR FACES.

THAT'S WHY MAYBE...

YOU'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING TO HELP THEM KNOW THAT...

THEY'RE NOT THE ONLY ONES.

I DIDN'T CASH YOUR CHEQUES BECAUSE I DON'T NEED YOUR MONEY.

BUT I NEED TO GIVE IT TO YOU.

MICHAEL, YOU KNOW, OF COURSE,

THAT HALF THE MONTHLY EXPENSES AREN'T REALLY $300.

OF COURSE I KNOW, AND I'M SURE WHATEVER IT IS,

I COULDN'T AFFORD IT, BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

UH, I WANT TO CONTRIBUTE AS MUCH AS I CAN. AND YOU DO.

YOU DO. YOU GIVE ME SOMETHING MUCH MORE VALUABLE THAN MONEY.

YOU GIVE ME YOUR SWEETNESS,

YOUR CHARM, YOUR HUMOUR, YOUR HOT LITTLE BOD.

I MEAN, WHAT'S PAYING HALF THE GAS AND ELECTRIC

COMPARED TO THAT, MICHAEL?

I'M NOT SOME BOYTOY YOU'RE KEEPING.

I'VE NEVER THOUGHT OF YOU AS MY BOYTOY. DON'T INSULT ME.

I'LL TAKE THAT.

OKAY.

OKAY, WHATEVER WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY. WHATEVER YOU WANT.

WHAT WILL MAKE ME HAPPY IS IF YOU...

TAKE MY MONEY AND YOU STOP PAYING FOR EVERYTHING.

FINE. FROM NOW ON, WE'LL ONLY DO THINGS

THAT WE CAN BOTH AFFORD TO DO, TOGETHER.

THERE'S ONLY ONE THING.

WHAT'S THAT?

DON'T GET MAD. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SURPRISE.

BUT YOU KNOW THAT...

THE WEEK THAT YOU HAVE OFF FROM WORK?

I CLEARED IT FOR ME TOO, AND I POPPED FOR...

A TRIP TO PARIS.

FIRST-CLASS, SUITE AT THE HOTEL "GEORGES V".

RESERVATIONS AT ALL THE FINEST RESTAURANTS.

WOW. THAT...

THAT SOUNDS FANTASTIC.

I KNOW. BUT...

NO, I KNOW. I KNOW.

IT WAS THE WRONG THING TO DO. I'LL, UH...

CANCEL IT TOMORROW.

AND WE'LL JUST STAY HOME, WATCH A MOVIE...

OR TWO, EAT IN.

AND THAT CAN STILL BE FUN.

HI, LINDSAY.

HOPE YOU DON'T MIND US ALL DROPPING BY LIKE THIS.

ACTUALLY, YOU COULD HAVE CALLED.

WE DID, AND GOT YOUR MESSAGE.

LOOK WHO'S HERE.

AH. LOOK WHO ELSE IS HERE.

THIS IS GUILLAUME.

I BELIEVE YOU'VE MET MELANIE.

OUI.MELANIE, COMMENT CA VA?

UM, HOW ARE YOU?

UH,CA VA JUST FINE.

THIS IS BRIAN, GUS' BIOLOGICAL FATHER.

AH OUI.

OH. BE ASSURED, MY FRIEND,

THERE'S NO NEED TO WORRY ABOUT GUS NOW THAT I'M HERE.

MM-HM. I WASN'T WORRIED WHEN YOU WEREN'T...

MON AMI.

AND THIS IS TED AND EMMETT.

BONJOUR.

BONSOIR.

ENCHANTE.

WE WERE JUST IN THE MIDDLE OF DINNER,

SO IF YOU DON'T MIND...

UH, I-IF YOU WOULD LIKE, YOUR FRIENDS MAY JOIN US.

THERE'S ENOUGH... RABBIT FOR EVERYONE.

R-RABBIT?

YES, I MADE A, UH, STEW.

WITH... WITH RABBIT?

BUNNY RABBIT? THEY SAY IT TASTES JUST LIKE CHICKEN.

PLEASE, UH, COME, TRY SOME.

WELL, MAYBE JUST A... LITTLE TASTE.

I'M... I'M A LITTLE HUNGRY, SO, UH...

WHAT'S GOING ON?

YEAH. WHO'S THIS GUY?

AND WHAT'S HE DOING IN OUR HOUSE?

EXCUSE ME, I DON'T APPRECIATE YOUR BARGING IN HERE

AND INTERROGATING ME.

OH-HO, WHOA. WHO'S INTERROGATING YOU?

WE'RE JUST ASKING YOU.

GUILLAUME TEACHES FRENCH AT THE UNIVERSITY.

WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS.

YEAH WELL, HOW COME YOU NEVER MENTIONED HIM?

I DID.

YOU JUST NEVER LISTENED.

HUH. ANYWAY,

HE NEEDED SOME HELP, AND SO DID I.

SO I SAID HE COULD MOVE IN.

SO WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US?

WE HAVEN'T EXACTLY BEEN COMMUNICATING LATELY.

OH, MY GOD!

THIS IS FABULOUS! MAGNIFIQUE!

IT'S THE BEST RABBIT I'VE EVER HAD.

THE ONLY RABBIT I'VE EVER HAD.

YEAH, HE'S A... FANTASTIC COOK,

AND HE'S WONDERFUL WITH THE BABY.

AND GUS TOOK TO HIM IMMEDIATELY.

AND I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT A RELIEF IT IS

HAVING HIM HELP WITH THE MORTGAGE.

SOUNDS LIKE THE PERFECT ARRANGEMENT.

SO HOW LONG IS HE STAYING?

THAT ALL DEPENDS.

UNTIL HE FINDS A PLACE OF HIS OWN?

...YOU'RE NOT GOING TO RAISE RABBITS IN A CONDO.

UNTIL...

WE GET MARRIED.

WHAT?

MM-HMM.

ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS?

DON'T GET SO EXCITED. IT'S JUST AN ARRANGEMENT.

I CAN GET SOME HELP,

AND HE CAN STAY IN THE COUNTRY AND GET HIS GREEN CARD.

ALORS,I MUST INSIST

THAT YOU COME EAT TOUT DE SUITE,

OR ELSE IT GETS COLD.

THE WAY HE INSINUATED HIMSELF...

RIGHT. LIKE... LIKE... LIKE IT WAS HIS HOUSE...

THAT HE BELONGS THERE...

AND YOU AND I WERE LIKE A COUPLE OF STRANGERS.

I NEED A CIGARETTE, BAD.

THIS IS ALL MY FAULT.

IF IT WEREN'T FOR ME, NONE OF THIS WOULD BE HAPPENING.

OH, MELANIE THE MARTYR.

YOU WANT ME TO SET YOU ON FIRE?

ASSHOLE, JUST GIMME A LIGHT.

AND IF SHE GOES THROUGH WITH THIS,

HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO LIVE THERE FOR AT LEAST A COUPLE OF YEARS.

AND BY THEN GUS'LL BE SMOKING GAULOISES AND...

NOT WEARING DEODORANT.

AND SHE'LL HAVE MOVED ON WITH HER LIFE.

THERE'S NO WAY WE'LL EVER GET BACK TOGETHER.

IF ONLY SHE KNEW

HOW MUCH TROUBLE SHE COULD GET INTO;

WELL, KNOWING LINDSAY... PROBABLY WOULDN'T CARE.

SHE'S ALWAYS LOOKING OUT FOR THE WELFARE OF OTHERS.

THE GENEROUS ONE.

THEN THERE'S ME, THE SELFISH ONE.

I WANTED A FUCK, AND BOY, DID I GET FUCKED.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH GETTING YOUR NEEDS MET.

THAT'S NO SURPRISE COMING FROM YOU.

IT'S YOUR MANIFESTO.

WELL, IT WOULD BE EVERYONE'S

IF THEY WERE HONEST ENOUGH TO ADMIT IT.

SO STOP BLAMING YOURSELF. IT'S BORING.

AND YOU DON'T DESERVE IT.

HEY! HEY.

ISN'T IT A SCHOOL NIGHT? SHOULDN'T YOU BE AT DEB'S STUDYING?

I GOT SUSPENDED. YOU?

FOR TWO DAYS.

I SAW THIS STUDENT GETTING BASHED,

AND MY HOMOPHOBIC TEACHER WOULDN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT...

SO I TOLD HIM TO FUCK OFF.

GO TO THE HEAD OF THE CLASS.

THAT BRINGS BACK MEMORIES,

GETTING THE SHIT KICKED OUT OF YOU ON THE PLAYGROUND.

MMM. HAVING... LIT MATCHES THROWN AT YOU IN THE LOCKER ROOM.

GOOD TIMES. YEAH.

I DON'T SUPPOSE ANYTHING LIKE THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU.

WELL, ONCE THIS STRAIGHT FOOTBALL JOCK PICKED ME UP,

AND DUNKED MY HEAD IN THE TOILET.

WHAT DID YOU DO?

I FOLLOWED HIM TO HIS LOCKER.

IT WAS OPEN, HIS HAND WAS UP KIND OF LIKE THIS;

HE WAS LAUGHING;

SO I SLAMMED THE DOOR SO HARD IT BROKE THREE OF HIS FINGERS.

OOH. MMM!

AND THAT WAS THE END OF THE SEASON FOR HIM.

A GAYSTRAIGHT WHAT?

STUDENT ALLIANCE.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

IT'S A CLUB,

A-A FORUM WHERE STUDENTS DISCUSS ISSUES, PLAN EVENTS.

YOU KNOW, TO PROMOTE UNDERSTANDING.

I'M ASLEEP ALREADY.

I NEED YOUR EXPERTISE.

I THINK I'VE GIVEN YOU PLENTY.

YOUR BUSINESS EXPERTISE.

IT'S A TOUGH SELL, ESPECIALLY AT ST. JAMES.

SO, SAY I BROUGHT THIS CONCEPT TO YOU AT YOUR OFFICE.

HOW WOULD YOU MARKET IT?

IT'S 1:30 IN THE MORNING,

AND I'M HORNY AS HELL.

PLEASE?

OKAY.

YOU'RE THE CLIENT.

HAVE A SEAT, MR. TAYLOR.

WELL, WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

YOU KNOW, THAT'S JUST HOW I IMAGINE ALL MY CLIENTS.

I PICTURE THEM NAKED.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M DOING THIS.

OKAY.

SO YOU HAVE THIS CONCEPT,

THE GAY-STRAIGHT STUDENT ALLIANCE.

LET'S ALL LIVE TOGETHER.

POWER TO THE PEOPLE.

PEACE. THAT'S BORING AS SHIT.

I COULD TAKE OUT AN UZI AND SHOOT EVERYONE.

THAT WOULD BE EXCITING.

WELL, AT LEAST YOU'D GET THEIR ATTENTION.

NOW WE HAVE TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO SELL IT.

RIGHT. HOW?

THE SAME WAY YOU SELL EVERYTHING ELSE.

SEX. SEX.

YOU WANT TO GET 'EM IN THE TENT,

HAND OUT THESE.

CONDOMS?

YOU SAID IT WAS AN ALLIANCE.

WHAT BETTER WAY FOR EVERYONE TO COME TOGETHER?

HE WANTS TO TAKE YOU TO PARIS?

HONEY, YOU'RE THE LUCKIEST BOY IN THE WORLD.

PASS ME THE SYRUP.

I LOVE PARIS.

YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO PARIS.

WELL, I KNOW I'LL LOVE IT WHEN I GET THERE.

SO WHEN ARE YOU LEAVING?

WE'RE NOT.

EXCUSEZ-MOI?

I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY FOR THAT KIND OF A TRIP.

OF COURSE YOU DON'T. BUT DAVID DOES.

I TOLD HIM I COULDN'T LET HIM PAY FOR ME.

ARE YOU COMPLETELY MAD?

OF COURSE YOU CAN.

DAVID AND I HAVE AN ARRANGEMENT.

WE ONLY DO THINGS THAT WE CAN BOTH AFFORD.

AU REVOIR, PARIS. BONJOUR,PITTSBURGH.

ALL RIGHT, SO I WON'T GET TO SEE THE SEINE AT SUNSET,

OR... OR STROLL THROUGH THE LUXEMBOURG GARDENS,

OR ANY OF THE OTHER WONDERFUL STUFF HE HAD PLANNED, BUT AT LEAST...

YOU'LL HAVE YOUR PRIDE?

AH. I HEAR IT'S WHAT

EVERYONE IS WEARING IN PARIS THIS YEAR.

DAVID ALREADY TAKES ME TO DINNER,

HE BUYS THE GROCERIES.

HE PAYS ALL THE HOUSE EXPENSES.

WHERE DO I SIGN UP?

IT'S NOT RIGHT.

BUT IF HE WANTS TO DO IT?

THAT'S WHAT HE SAYS. HE SAYS IT MAKES HIM HAPPY.

THEN STOP BEING SO GODDAMN SELFISH.

SELFISH?

I THINK IT'S SELFISH TO DENY YOUR LOVER PLEASURE.

LISTEN TO ME, MICHAEL. MONEY IS MY BUSINESS.

I'VE SEEN IT DESTROY MORE RELATIONSHIPS THAN SEX.

OKAY? NOW YOU THINK YOU'RE BEING FAIR TO DAVID

WITH THIS FALSE PRIDE THING OF YOURS,

BUT IT'LL ONLY CAUSE RESENTMENT AND FRUSTRATION.

AND FRANKLY, YOU'RE DENYING YOURSELF THE OPPORTUNITY

TO GO PLACES THAT YOU COULD NEVER GO,

AND DO THINGS YOU COULD NEVER DO.

IT'S LIKE WHAT BARBRA SAID SO ELOQUENTLY

IN "HELLO, DOLLY!",

EVEN THOUGH SHE WASYEARS TOO YOUNG FOR THE PART.

"MONEY IS LIKE MANURE.

IT ISN'T WORTH A THING UNLESS YOU SPREAD IT AROUND,

ENCOURAGING THINGS TO GROW.

YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN?"

KISS ME, HORACE.

THERE'S A MEETING AFTER SCHOOL

OF THE GAY-STRAIGHT STUDENT ALLIANCE.

UH... UH, AFTER SCHOOL THERE'S A MEETING...

THE GAY-STRAIGHT STUDENT ALLIANCE.

HEY, YOU WANT A FREE CONDOM? OH, YEAH.

HERE, YOU GOTTA TAKE ONE OF THESE THEN.

COOL. THANKS. HERE.

SURE. HERE YOU GO.

UM, THERE'S A MEETING AFTER SCHOOL,

PLEASE TAKE A FREE CONDOM AND A FLYER.

BRIAN KNOWS WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

YEAH, HE'S BRILLIANT. AND HOT!

CAN I HAVE A CONDOM?

SURE. UM...

HEY, TAYLOR,

YOU STARTING A FAGGOT CLUB?

IT'S FOR GAY STUDENTS AND STRAIGHT STUDENTS.

TO PROMOTE TOLERANCE AND UNDERSTANDING.

SO NOW BUTTFUCKING IS AN EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITY?

NO, JUST HAND-JOBS.

YOU BETTER NEVER MENTION THAT AGAIN, YOU LITTLE COCKSUCKER.

I ADMIT IT'S A LITTLE CRAZY.

CRAZY? YOU KNOW, IF THIS IS ABOUT MONEY,

I TOLD YOU I'D HELP YOU OUT.

AND YOU HAVE.

BUT I GOT TO START TAKING CARE OF MYSELF.

I MEAN, I CAN'T KEEP RELYING ON YOU AND MELANIE.

OKAY, BUT DO YOU HAVE TO FUCKING MARRY HIM?

BUT IT'S NOT A REAL MARRIAGE. IT'S JUST AN ARRANGEMENT.

WELL, HE SHOULD ARRANGE SOMETHING ELSE.

IF HE WAS STRAIGHT, HE COULD MEET SOMEONE,

FALL IN LOVE AND GET MARRIED.

BUT BECAUSE HE'S GAY, THERE'S NO WAY.

AND THAT'S NOT FAIR.

WELL, LISTEN TO THE RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION.

KINDA SOUNDS LIKE THE LINDSAY I USED TO KNOW.

OH, YEAH, WHICH LINDSAY WAS THAT?

THE LAST YEAR OF COLLEGE WHEN YOU TURNED INTO THAT SCARY POLITICAL DYKE.

OH, HER. THE ONE WHO STARTED THE PETITION

TO MAKE DATERAPE PUNISHABLE BY CASTRATION.

I EVEN GOT YOU TO SIGN.

YEAH, WELL, YOU ALWAYS WERE ONE FOR A WORTHY CAUSE.

LISTEN, MEL AND I'VE BEEN THINKING...

WAIT A MINUTE.

DID I JUST HEAR YOU SAY...

"MEL AND I"?

DID YOU ACTUALLY SAY THAT?

YEARS I HAVE STRUGGLED

TO GET MEL AND YOU TO BE CIVIL TO EACH OTHER,

EVEN BE IN THE SAME ROOM TOGETHER.

NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN, MEL AND YOU ARE ALLIES?

HUH!

CHRIST.

WELL, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO WORRY ABOUT WHAT MY SELFISH,

SELF-CENTRED, NARCISSISTIC FRIENDS THINK.

I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT MY SON,

AND HOW I'M GOING TO RAISE AND SUPPORT HIM.

I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT WHAT'S BEST FOR HIM.

SO I THINK YOU SHOULD JUST FUCK OFF.

I'M SURE THAT'S A THOUGHT YOU CAN UNDERSTAND.

I THOUGHT A LOT MORE PEOPLE WOULD COME, DIDN'T YOU?

I MEAN, CONSIDERING ALL THE CONDOMS WE HANDED OUT.

YEAH. I GUESS THEY COULDN'T WAIT TO USE THEM.

HEY!

NOT A BAD TURNOUT, HUH?

DEB, WH... WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WELL, I THOUGHT YOU COULD USE SOME COOKIES AND MORAL SUPPORT.

HERE YOU GO, KIDS. HUH?

ENJOY YOURSELVES.

HOME-BAKED.

MY GREAT-AUNT FAY, WHO WAS IN BURLESQUE,

SAID YOU SHOULD NEVER GO ON IN FRONT OF A HUNGRY AUDIENCE.

WELL, I GUESS WE SHOULD GET STARTED, HUH?

WELL...

GOOD LUCK, SUNSHINE. HMM?

YOU TOO, DAPHNE. KNOCK 'EM DEAD.

COULD WE HAVE YOUR ATTENTION? PLEASE?

THANK YOU.

HI. UM, I'M DAPHNE.

WELCOME TO THE FIRST MEETING OF THE ST. JAMES

GAY-STRAIGHT STUDENT ALLIANCE.

IN THE UPCOMING WEEKS, WE WILL BE DISCUSSING ISSUES

THAT AFFECT ALL OF US HERE AT ST. JAMES...

ISN'T THIS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT SEX?

SEX IS PART OF IT.

BUT IT'S ALSO ABOUT OTHER THINGS.

LIKE HOW WE SEE OURSELVES AND EACH OTHER.

FUCK THIS. LET'S GO.

FAGGOT!

COCKSUCKER! HOMO!

FUDGE-PACKER!

THOSE ARE A FEW OF THE NAMES THAT I HAVE BEEN CALLED

BECAUSE I'M GAY.

I'VE ALSO BEEN TOLD THAT I'M GOING TO HELL,

AND THAT I SHOULD DIE OF AIDS.

MAYBE THE SAME THING HAS HAPPENED TO YOU.

THAT IS WHY WE'RE HERE...

TO SEE IF WE CAN LEARN TO ACCEPT OUR DIFFERENCES

AND RECOGNIZE OUR SIMILARITIES.

BECAUSE GAY OR STRAIGHT, WE ALL WANT THE SAME THINGS.

ALL RIGHT, TAYLOR, THAT'S ENOUGH.

WE'RE... WE'RE JUST HAVING A MEETING.

DID YOU GET PERMISSION FROM THE PRINCIPAL?

DID YOU ASK TO USE THIS CLASSROOM? DO YOU HAVE AN ADVISOR?

HE'S GOT ME.

AND WHO ARE YOU?

DEBBIE NOVOTNY. WHO ARE YOU?

I'M A MEMBER OF THE FACULTY.

WELL THEN, YOU'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOW

THAT WE'RE HAVING A LITTLE EDUCATIONAL PROGRAMME HERE.

SO WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN?

YOU MIGHT LEARN SOMETHING.

IS THIS PART OF YOUR CURRICULUM?

YOU BET YOUR ASS IT IS.

NOW, ALL OF YOU, ON YOUR WAY. THIS MEETING IS OVER.

COME ON. LET'S GO.

YEAH, NICE TRY, MAN. YEAH.

SEE YOU, JUSTIN. SEE YOU, DAPHNE. SEE YOU, MAN.

TRY AGAIN, DAPHNE.

FUCK.

MAN, IT'S BEEN A LONG WEEK.

I AM REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO TAKING SOME TIME OFF.

GOT A PATIENT AT 7:30.

GOOD NIGHT.

DAVID? YES?

DO YOU THINK I'M SELFISH?

YOU?

WHAT KIND OF A QUESTION IS THAT?

I MEAN, ABOUT...

N-NOT TAKING YOU UP ON YOUR GENEROSITY, LIKE...

LIKE GOING ON THIS TRIP.

MICHAEL...

I ALREADY TOLD YOU,

ALL I WANT TO DO IS MAKE YOU HAPPY.

YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT YOU? WHAT WOULD...

WOULD MAKE YOU HAPPY?

WHAT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY?

SEEING YOU SEE PARIS FOR THE FIRST TIME,

SAILING DOWN THE... SEINE ON ABATEAU-MOUCHE,

HAVING THE BEST MEAL OF OUR LIVES AT...

"LE GRAND VEFOUR" OR, UH...

"ALAIN DUCASSE".

SEEING YOUR EYES LIGHT UP

WHEN YOU FIND SOME NEAT LITTLE TOY IN A FLEA MARKET;

THAT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY.

THAT WOULD MAKE ME VERY HAPPY.

I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY.

ARE YOU SAYING YOU WANT TO GO?

WELL, SINCE YOU ALREADY WENT AHEAD

AND MADE THE PLANS AND EVERYTHING...

DON'T DO ME ANY FAVOURS.

NO, JUST PROMISE ME YOU'LL LET ME PAY FOR SOMETHING

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.

I'LL LET YOU PAY FOR THE BAGUETTES.

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE PRACTICE OUR FRENCH?

THIS IS A GOOD ONE.

OH, I LIKE THIS ONE TOO.

WE DO MAKE A HANDSOME FAMILY.

HEIN? MMM-HMM.

WE SHOULD PUT THIS ONE IN A FRAME...

INSTEAD OF THAT ONE.

BRIAN. HE'S VERY BEAUTIFUL.

LOTS OF GUYS WOULD AGREE WITH YOU.

ESPECIALLY HIS LIPS.

THEY'RE QUITE KISSABLE, YES?

NO! OH! LA LA! YOU NEEDN'T WORRY.

I CAN TELL HE DOESN'T LIKE ME.

AND NEITHER DOES MELANIE OR YOUR OTHER FRIENDS...

IT'S NOT YOU THEY DON'T LIKE.

IT'S WHAT WE'RE DOING.

BUT, IT'S NOT THEIR DECISION.

HMMM.

WELL, YOU ARE A WONDERFUL PERSON, LINDSAY.

NO, NO, NO, IT'S TRUE.

IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU, I'D HAVE TO LEAVE THE STATES.

NOW I'LL BE ABLE TO STAY.

CHERIE, C'EST MELANIE.

GUS SHOULD BE UP FROM HIS NAP.

I'LL GO CHECK.

I GUESS IF GUS LIKES HIM, HE MUST BE OKAY.

GUS KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHO'S AN ASSHOLE AND WHO'S NOT, RIGHT?

RIGHT.

WHAT ARE THESE?

JUST SOME PHOTOGRAPHS.

IT'S IMPORTANT TO CREATE A HISTORY,

IN CASE IMMIGRATION EVER DECIDES TO PAY A VISIT.

OH, JESUS!

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE GOING THROUGH WITH THIS...

THIS... WHAT?

CHARADE. AND FOR WHO?

SOMEBODY YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW.

I TOLD YOU, HE'S A FRIEND. I DON'T CARE WHO HE IS.

IT'S THE MOST MESHUGUEHIDEA I EVER HEARD OF.

I GUARANTEE YOU THAT IF I HAD BEEN HERE...

WELL, YOU'RE NOT.

YOU'RE NOT HERE.

I WISH I WAS.

I MISS YOU, LINZ.

YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE OF GUILLAUME.

NO, I'M NOT.

I MISS YOU EVERY MINUTE...

OF EVERY DAY.

AND IF I COULD MISS YOU MORE THAN THAT, I WOULD.

YOU THINK I DON'T MISS YOU?

THEN WHY AREN'T I HERE? I MEAN...

WHY AREN'T WE RAISING OUR SON TOGETHER?

IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

WELL, IT DID AT THE TIME.

I MEAN, ALL THE THINGS YOU SAID,

THAT I DIDN'T GIVE YOU ENOUGH AFFECTION... OH...

THAT I WAS ONLY CONCERNED ABOUT GETTING MY OWN NEEDS MET.

I WAS WRONG. IT WAS ME.

I BECAME... JEALOUS AND RESENTFUL AND...

I DEMANDED WAY TOO MUCH.

YOU WERE HURT.

SO WERE YOU.

YEAH.

WELL...

I GUESS WE'RE ONLY... HUMAN?

YEAH.

PARDON?

UH, DO YOU WANT TO GIVE GUS HIS LUNCH,

OR SHOULD I?

I'LL DO IT.

OKAY, EVERYBODY WAVE.

COME ON. PUT SOMETHING INTO IT.

OH, YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT.

WHO DO YOU THINK WE ARE, MATT DAMON AND BEN AFFLECK?

I WISH.

NOW YOU GUYS CAN SEE US RUNNING ALL OVER THE STREETS OF PARIS,

AND IT'LL BE JUST LIKE YOU'RE THERE WITH US.

OH, I CAN HARDLY WAIT.

THAT CAMERA IS THE MOST EXPENSIVE MODEL.

MY DAD HAS ONE LIKE IT.

LET ME HAVE IT. ALL RIGHT.

YEAH, IT NOT ONLY SHOOTS THE MOVIE,

IT... IT MAKES POPCORN TO GO WITH IT.

I GUESS YOU DIDN'T GET IT AT THE BIG Q.

DAVID LIKES TO GO FOR THE HIGH-END.

THAT MUST KEEP YOU ON YOUR TOES.

HEY, IS THAT JACKET NEW?

SNAZZY, MICHAEL.

BOSS. NOT BAD.

WELL, I HAD TO HAVE SOMETHING TO WEAR.

CHECK OUT THIS LUGGAGE.

OH! IT'S EVEN GOT HIS INITIALS ON IT.

OH, MY GOD! IT DOES NOT.

MY, MY. CERTAINLY GOING IN STYLE, AREN'T WE?

YOU TOLD ME I SHOULDN'T DENY HIM THE PLEASURE.

OH, HE MUST BE DELIRIOUS. LOOK...

I OFFERED TO HELP PAY,

BUT HE WOULDN'T LET ME.

MMM. DON'T WORRY, MIKEY.

YOU'LL PAY...

ONE WAY... OR ANOTHER.

LET'S GO TO WOODY'S.

OKAY. BYE, BABY.

BYE, MICHAEL. SEE YA.

YOU WANT MY ADVICE?

HOLD OUT FOR A ROLEX.

OF COURSE IT DID.

FUCK! WHAT DID?

THE OTHER BALL? NO, YOUR FACE.

THE OTHER BALL...

WAIT.

SHIT! WHAT?

IT'S CHRIS HOBBS.

WHO'S THAT?

THAT ASSHOLE FROM SCHOOL I TOLD YOU ABOUT.

OH, HUH! YOU DIDN'T TELL ME HE WAS SO HOT.

HE HAS NO RIGHT TO BE HERE.

FORGET HIM. LET'S GO.

NO.

HEY, TAYLOR.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

CHECKING OUT THE FREAKS, LIKE YOU.

HUH. DOWN HERE YOU'RE THE FREAK.

OUT OF THE WAY... FAGGOT. HEY!

BRIAN!

HEY! HEY!

YOU GUYS SEE HIM?

YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. YEAH.

WE GO TO SCHOOL TOGETHER. HIS NAME'S CHRIS HOBBS.

HE JUST CALLED ME A FAGGOT.

YOU SEE, CHRIS DOESN'T LIKE FAGGOTS.

SHUT UP, TAYLOR.

OR MAYBE HE LIKES THEM MORE THAN HE THINKS.

I SAID SHUT UP!

HE LET ME JERK HIM OFF.

THE FAGGOT GAVE CHRIS HOBBS A HAND-JOB.

AND HE LOVED IT.

YOU ARE FUCKED!

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT.

YOU GO, BABY!

CONGRATULATIONS.

WHAT?

JUST MADE YOURSELF A REALENEMY.