Queer as Folk (2000–2005): Season 1, Episode 18 - Surprise Kill - full transcript

MMM, HERE WE ARE IN FRONT
OF THE ARC DE TRIOMPHE.

AND HERE WE ARE IN FRONT
OF THE SACRE-COEUR.

Ted:
[ Snoring ]

Michael:
AND HERE WE
ARE IN FRONT OF
NAPOLEON'S TOMB.

LUCKY HIM.
HE'S DEAD.

Michael:
HERE I AM
PLAYING...

A LOAF OF FRENCH
BREAD, LIKE A...

Debbie:
WOULD YOU TWO
CUT IT OUT?

MA, YOU'RE
INTERRUPTING.

WELL, I HATE IT WHEN
COUPLES MAKE OUT IN
FRONT OF YOU.

IT'S FRENCH.



WE'RE FRENCHING.

Michael:
AND WITH THAT,

DAVID AND MICHAEL
BID ADIEU TO PARIS.

FIN.

THAT MEANS THE END.

BON.THAT
MEANS GOOD.

WELL, I HOPE EVERYONE
WASN'T TOO BORED.

ARE YOU KIDDING?

I HAVEN'T BEEN
THAT ENTERTAINED
SINCE "GANDHI".

OH, IT JUST LOOKED LIKE
THE TRIP OF A LIFETIME.

Brian:
IT SURE FELT
THAT LONG.

Michael:
THE THING YOU HAVE TO
REMEMBER ABOUT PARIS

IS NOT DINING
AT LUCAS-CARTON,

OR SHOPPING ON THE
RUE DE ST-SULPICE.



IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS.

YOU KNOW, SHARING
A BAGUETTE

WHILE STROLLING
SUR LA SEINE...

THESUR LEWHAT, HONEY?

THE SEINE, MOTHER.

IT'S A RIVER.

THANKS, BABY.
MM-HMM.

WOULD ANYONE LIKE
SOME, UH,VIN ROUGE?

LUCY, YOU
WOULDN'T KNOW
THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEENVIN ROUGE
AND LISTERINE.

OKAY, ALL I WANT
TO KNOW IS,

DID YOU MEET
CATHERINE DENEUVE?

OH, GOD,
I LOVE HER.

NO, BUT WE
DID MEET THIS
WONDERFUL COUPLE

UH, IN VERSAILLES.

OH, LET ME GUESS,
LOUIS AND MARIE?

NO, JEAN-PIERRE
AND YVETTE.

THEY HAVE THE MOST
FABULOUSMAISON
IN THE 16th.

OH, TRY THE BRIE.

TASTES LIKE CUM.

Various:
OH, JEEZ!...

WHERE'S THE CHEDDAR?

HEY, MIND IF
I JOIN YOU?
NO.

HEY, SWEETIE.

HI!

OH-HO-HO, GOD,
HE GETS BIGGER

EVERY TIME
I SEE HIM.

IT'S ALL THAT
DELICIOUS FRENCH
BABY FOOD

GUILLAUME
MAKES HIM.

SO THIS, UH,
ARRANGEMENT'S
WORKING OUT FOR YOU?

YEAH, A LOT BETTER
THAN I THOUGHT.

Gus:
[ Cooing ]

HONEY, EVEN IF
YOU DON'T WANT TO
LISTEN TO ME AS...

SOMEONE WHO
CARES ABOUT YOU,

I WISH YOU'D AT
LEAST TAKE MY
LEGAL ADVICE.

ACTUALLY... WE'RE
GETTING MARRIED
A WEEK FROM TODAY.

WHAT'D HE DO?
KNOCK YOU UP?

NO, HIS DEPOR-
TATION LETTER
CAME YESTERDAY.

SO WE HAVE
TO DO IT NOW.

MAYBE MICHAEL CAN
FILM THE CEREMONY.

IT'S GOT TO
LOOK REAL,

IN CASE THERE'S
AN EVIDENTIARY
HEARING.

[ Cooing ]

Melanie:
I AM FREAKING OUT.

Brian:
WHY? BECAUSE SHE
DIDN'T ASK YOU

TO BE MAID
OF HONOUR?

OU THINK THIS
IS FUNNY?

THEY'RE GOING
THROUGH WITH IT...

NEXT WEEK!

IT'S NOT LIKE
THEY'RE REALLY
GETTING MARRIED.

IT'S JUST SO
HE CAN STAY
IN THE COUNTRY.

NOW, WHAT IF
HE NEVER LEAVES?

WHAT IF HE
BECOMES A PER-
MANENT FIXTURE?

WHAT IF MY
AUNT HAD BALLS?

SHE'D BE
MY UNCLE.

NOW IT'S TOO
LATE. IT'S
ALL MY FAULT.

AND THERE'S NOT
A GODDAMN THING
WE CAN DO ABOUT IT.

SHOTGUN.

CAN'T WE LEAVE THAT
FOR MAGDELENA?

THAT IS WHY
WE PAY HER.

YOU KNOW ME.
I CAN'T SLEEP

UNTIL EVERY-
THING'S PUT AWAY.

YOU'RE SO ANAL.

LUCKY FOR YOU.
HMM.

HEY!

WHOA! MMM, AHH!

CAREFUL, CAREFUL,
CAREFUL!

GEEZ, WHAT
WAS THAT FOR?

WELL, I DON'T
BELIEVE I THANKED
YOU PROPERLY

FOR SHOWING ME
THE BEST TIME
OF MY LIFE.

WELL, I DON'T
BELIEVE I THANKED
YOU EITHER...

FOR LETTING
ME SHOW YOU.

COULD YOU BELIEVE
TED SNORING?

I THOUGHT HE
WAS BUILDING
A LOG CABIN.

THOSE GUYS HAVE
NO IDEA

THAT THERE IS
A WORLD OUTSIDE
OF LIBERTY AVENUE.

WELL, YOU DIDN'T
EITHER UNTIL
LAST WEEK.

THIS CAB
IS GREAT.

I'M GOING TO
ORDER A CASE
OF THIS

AND SERVE IT FOR
SENATOR BAXTER.

DO YOU THINK
I SHOULD'VE
INVITED THEM?

WHO?

MY MOM AND
UNCLE VIC,
AND THE GUYS.

I THOUGHT YOU
DIDN'T WANT TO.

I THOUGHT YOU
DIDN'T WANT ME TO.

I SAID IT'D
BE FINE, AS
LONG AS

BRIAN BEHAVES
HIMSELF.

OH, YOU KNOW,
POLITICAL
FUND-RAISERS,

[ Stammering ]
I JUST DON'T THINK
IT'S THEIR THING.

SENATOR BAXTER'S
VERY SUPPORTIVE
OF GAY ISSUES.

I WOULD THINK
THAT'S EVERY-
BODY'S THING.

YEAH, BUT I DON'T...
I JUST DIDN'T KNOW
IF THEY'D BE
COMFORTABLE

AROUND OUR
OTHER FRIENDS,

AND A, A
STATE SENATOR.

THEN YOU
MADE THE
GHT DECISION.

EVERY CLUB IS
ALLOWED TO MEET,
EXCEPT OURS.

IT'S NOT FAIR.

WELCOME TO THE
REAL WORLD, DAPH.

NOBODY GIVES
A SHIT ABOUT
A GAY-STRAIGHT
ALLIANCE.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.
LOOK HOW MANY
PEOPLE CAME.

WHAT, EIGHT?
AND TWO LEFT.
I COUNTED.

BESIDES, THEY
ONLY CAME 'CAUSE
WE HANDED OUT
CONDOMS.

[ Coughing ]

CAN YOU BELIEVE
HOW HE WAS
CARRYING ON?

"SUR LA SEINE."

I NEARLY CHOKED
ON MY PATE.

HE'S JUST DAZZLED.

GIVE HIM A COUPLE
OF DAYS BACK AT
LE GRAND Q MART,

HE'LL COME
DOWN TO EARTH.

I DON'T KNOW.

EVER SINCE HE'S
BEEN WITH DAVID,

IT'S LIKE HE'S GOT
THIS WHOLE NEW LIFE.

PLEASE, HE WAS
LIKE, MY ROOMMATE
FOR TWO YEARS.

NOW I NEVER
EVEN SEE HIM.

WE HAVE TO BEG
HIM TO COME OUT
TO THE BARS.

HE WON'T FUCKING
RETURN MY CALLS.

OH, MY GOD! WOULD
YOU LOOK AT THAT?

OHH...

WHO WOULD DRIVE
A GOLD MIATA?

Brian:
WITH THE
TOP DOWN?

IN WINTER?

[ Laughing ]

HOW DO YOU
LIKE IT?

OH, THIS
IS YOURS?

DAVID GOT
IT FOR ME.

HE-HE BOUGHT YOU
A FUCKING CAR?

CHECK OUT
THE PLATES.

Brian:
CAPTAIN ASTRO.

THAT'S CUTE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THE COLOUR?
I WAS WORRIED

THAT THE GOLD
MIGHT BE A
TAD SHOWY.

OH, YOU WOULDN'T
WANT THAT.

AH.

YOU KNOW, I CALLED
YOU THIS MORNING.

BUT, UH, YOU DIDN'T
CALL ME BACK.

WELL, I'VE BEEN
REALLY BUSY...

WANNA GO TO THE
GYM WITH US?

I CAN'T, I'M
MEETING DAVID AT
OUR SPORTS CLUB.

WELL, WHAT'RE YOU
DOING TONIGHT?

HOW ABOUT COMING OUT
TO WOODY'S WITH US?

[ Sighing ]
SORRY, NO
CAN DO.

WE HAVE RESERVATIONS
AT PAPPAGANO

WITH BOBO
AND MELISANDE.

Emmett & Ted:
[ Chuckle ]

BOBO AND
MELISANDE?

SOUNDS LIKE
A COUPLE OF
DRAG QUEENS.

UM, BOBO IS A BROKER.
WE HAVE OUR INVEST-
MENTS WITH HIM.

[ Ringing of cell phone ]

"OUR".

[ Ringing of cell phone ]

HI, HONEY.

IT'S...
DAVID.
DAVID. YEAH.

YEAH, DON'T
WORRY. I-I JUST
PICKED THEM UP.

AND I ALREADY
SPOKE TO THE
CATERER.

HAVING A PARTY?

IT'S JUST... IT'S JUST A
COUPLE OF DAVID'S FRIENDS,

FOR DINNER.

WELL, UM, I... I
BETTER GET GOING.

Michael:
SEE YOU!

TA-TA.
BYE-BYE.

CIAO!

SO, WHAT DO
YOU THINK?

IT'S LIKE A MOVIE.

A HORROR MOVIE.

GUILLAUME STILL HAS
TO FIT IT FOR ME.

HE'S GREAT WITH A
NEEDLE AND THREAD.

IS THERE ANYTHING
HE CAN'T DO?

CHARM MY FRIENDS.

YOU KNOW, I-I DIDN'T
KNOW HE WAS TRYING.

OH, WELL IF IT
ISN'T COCO CHANEL.

COMPANY.
AREN'T WE LUCKY.

Lindsay:
WHAT DO
YOU THINK?

WELL...

IT'S GOING TO
TAKE A LOT OF
WORK, BUT...

YOU WILL BE A
VISION BY THE
TIME I'M THROUGH.

Lindsay:
THANKS, GUI.

I'LL GET HIM.
Guillaume:
THERE'S GUS.

OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
HE'S USED TO ME.

SO WHAT IS THE
GROOM GOING
TO BE WEARING?

A VERY CONSERVATIVE,
VERY TRADITIONAL
BLACK TUX.

WE CAN'T TAKE
ANY CHANCES, IT
HAS TO LOOK REAL.

THIS IS A
FUCKING FARCE.

HEY, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO LOSE
YOUR TEMPER.

WHY NOT?
YOU'VE LOST
YOUR MIND.

WELL, I NEVER
THOUGHT I'D SEE
MYSELF IN ONE
OF THESE.

ALTHOUGH NOW AND
THEN, I MUST ADMIT

I OFTEN DREAMED
OF BEING A BRIDE.

IT'S TRUE.

I SUPPOSE EVEN
DYKES CAN'T ESCAPE
THAT FANTASY.

[ Sighing ]
ONLY YOU'RE MARRYING
THE WRONG PERSON.

YOU NEVER
ASKED ME.

I MEAN MELANIE.

YEAH, LAST TIME I
CHECKED, WE LIVED
IN PITTSBURGH

AND NOT VERMONT.

AND ANYWAY,
IT'S TOO LATE.

MEL AND I
ARE FINISHED.

SHE DOESN'T
THINK SO.

IN FACT, ALL
SHE THINKS
ABOUT IS YOU.

SHE BLAMES HERSELF,
FOR EVERYTHING.

WELL, SHE'S WRONG.

BECAUSE IT'S ME.

'CAUSE I PUSHED
HER AWAY.

WHY WOULD YOU
PUSH AWAY SOME-
ONE YOU LOVE?

[ Opening of door ]

SORRY FOR
TAKING SO LONG.

HE WAS BEING...
VERY FUSSY.

ALORS,SHALL WE
START ON THE GOWN?

Guillaume:
OKAY, I JUST WANT
TO PIN... HERE.

EVERYTHING WAS
DESTROYED.

MY DRAWINGS,
MY BOOKS.

YOU KNOW
WHO DID IT?
I CAN GUESS.

CHRIS HOBBS.

I SAY WE GO AND BEAT
THE SHIT OUT OF HIM.

HEY, WE'RE TRYING TO
BE CONSTRUCTIVE HERE.

I THOUGHT I WAS.

DID YOU TELL
THE PRINCIPAL?

HE DOESN'T CARE.

IT'S ALL BECAUSE
OF THIS GROUP.

WHAT GROUP?

JUSTIN AND DAPHNE

STARTED THE GAY-STRAIGHT
STUDENT ALLIANCE.

YEAH, BUT THEY
SHUT US DOWN.

SAID WE DIDN'T
GO THROUGH THE
PROPER CHANNELS.

EVEN IF YOU HAD,
IT PROBABLY WOULDN'T
HAVE MADE ANY
DIFFERENCE.

DO YOU HAVE TO PISS
ON THE KID'S IDEALISM?

HE MIGHT AS WELL
KNOW THE TRUTH.

WE JUST WANTED
A PLACE TO TALK.

WE COULDN'T
EVEN HAVE THAT.

WELL, CONSIDERING
WHAT'S HAPPENED,

MAYBE IT'S BEST
THAT YOU DON'T...

DRAW ATTENTION
TO YOURSELF.

YOU WANT ME TO HIDE?

I WANT YOU TO BE SAFE.

SO I SHOULD
JUST GIVE IN.

LET THEM INTIMIDATE
ME MY ENTIRE LIFE.

YOU STICK UP FOR
YOURSELF, SUNSHINE.

AND YOU STAND BESIDE HIM.

DEBBIE, WOULD YOU
PLEASE STAY OUT OF THIS?

I FORGOT.

HE JUST EATS, SLEEPS
AND JERKS OFF HERE.

I'LL KEEP MY
BIG MOUTH SHUT.

MOM, THIS ISN'T
ABOUT ME,

OR EVEN WHAT
HAPPENED AT
SCHOOL.

THIS IS ABOUT
SPEAKING OUT.

DEMANDING
TO BE HEARD,

WHETHER PEOPLE
WANT TO HEAR
YOU OR NOT.

WHERE'D YOU
LEARN ALL THAT?

IT'S WHAT YOU
AND DAD TAUGHT ME.

WE DID?

WELL, HE SURE
AS HELL DIDN'T
LEARN IT

AT THE ST. JAMES ACADEMY.

SO, HOW WAS
DINNER WITH, UH...

BOBO AND...

MELISAND?
MELISANDE.

MELISANDE'S A HOOT. AND
BOBO'S LIKE, THE SMARTEST
PERSON I HAVE EVER MET.

YOU... YOU'D LOVE THEM.

UH-HUH.

UM, COULD YOU NOT
LEAN ON THAT?

I JUST GOT DONE
POLISHING IT.

SORRY.

SO WHY HAVEN'T
YOU INTRODUCED
ANY OF YOUR...

NEW BEST FRIENDS
TO ANY OF YOUR
OLD BEST FRIENDS?

WELL, WHO'S
HAD THE TIME?

YOU KNOW, WE JUST
GOT BACK FROM PARIS.

YOU WENT
TO PARIS?

GOD, I HADN'T HEARD.

FUCK OFF.

YEAH, MAYBE
YOU'D LIKE THAT.

WHAT?

NOW THAT YOU'VE GOT THIS
FABULOUS NEW LIFE...

THAT'S BULLSHIT.

IS IT?

YOU MISSED A SPOT.

HOW LONG HAVE
I KNOWN YOU?

LIKE, FOREVER?

I DON'T THINK
IT'S BULLSHIT.

COULD YOU
MOVE, PLEASE?

THE TRIP AND THE
CLOTHES AND THE CAR.

THEY'RE BORING.

YOU'RE BORING.

BORING? WELL, I
HAPPEN TO THINK

I'VE BECOME
A VERY INTER-
ESTING PERSON.

YOU'VE BECOME
A FUCKING
LITTLE SNOT.

WHY? 'CAUSE
I FINALLY
HAVE A LIFE?

WHOSE LIFE?
YOURS?...

OR HIS?

[ Scoffing ]

JUSTIN TELLS ME
THAT OVER THE PAST
COUPLE OF MONTHS

HE'S BEEN
PHYSICALLY
ATTACKED,

HARASSED,
CALLED NAMES,

AND NOTHING
HAS BEEN DONE
TO STOP IT.

WELL, MRS. TAYLOR,
I CAN ASSURE YOU
THAT HAD I KNOWN
ABOUT IT,

I WOULD NEVER
HAVE TOLERATED
SUCH BEHAVIOUR.

WELL, HE ALSO SAID
THAT HE TRIED TO
START A CLUB

FOR GAY AND
STRAIGHT STUDENTS,

AND YOU REFUSED
TO ALLOW THEM
TO MEET.

AS ONE OF THE
TEACHERS ALREADY
EXPLAINED TO JUSTIN,

HE... HE DIDN'T
GO THROUGH THE
PROPER CHANNELS.

AND WHAT ARE THE
PROPER CHANNELS?

WELL, FIRST HE
WOULD HAVE TO
GET APPROVAL

FROM THE SCHOOL
BOARD, OF WHICH
I AM THE HEAD.

AND THEN HE WOULD
HAVE TO SEEK APPROVAL
FOR A MEETING ROOM,

FIND A
FACULTY ADVISOR,

NONE OF WHICH JUSTIN
BOTHERED TO DO.

WELL, I'M SURE HE
WOULD'VEBOTHERED,

HAD HE KNOWN.

SO... WHERE ARE THE
FORMS? WE CAN FILL
THEM OUT RIGHT NOW.

MRS. TAYLOR, AS YOU
KNOW, ST. JAMES IS
A PRIVATE ACADEMY.

WE ARE NOT
REQUIRED TO
MAKE ALLOWANCES

FOR EVERYONE
AND EVERYTHING.

THAT'S WHY PARENTS
SEND THEIR CHILDREN
TO THIS SCHOOL,

FOR THE SPECIAL
ENVIRONMENT.

AND FOR THE
SUPERIOR
EDUCATION,

WHICH JUSTIN
IS GETTING,

WHEN HE PUTS
HIS MIND TO IT.

WHAT DOES THIS HAVE
TO DO WITH HAVING A
GAY-STRAIGHT ALLIANCE?

ALL RIGHT, SUPPOSE
I GAVE YOU PERMISSION
TO ORGANIZE YOUR CLUB.

AND THEN ANOTHER
STUDENT CAME TO ME

AND ASKED TO START
A CLUB FOR, SAY,

WHITE SUPREMACISTS.

SHOULD I ALLOW
THAT TOO?

EXCUSE ME, DR. PERKINS,

BUT I HAPPEN TO
FIND THAT ANALOGY
EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE.

SOME OF OUR PARENTS
WOULD BE HARD-PRESSED
TO SEE THE DISTINCTION.

WELL, I'M HARD-PRESSED
TO SEE THE SIMILARITY.

NOT EVERYONE
IS AS ACCEPTING OF
YOUR SON'S SEXUAL
PREFERENCE AS YOU ARE.

IT'S NOT A PREFERENCE.

I WAS THAT WAY
AT FIRST TOO.

WHICH IS WHY IT'S IM-
PORTANT THAT THEY LEARN.

MRS. TAYLOR, THERE ARE
MORE IMPORTANT LESSONS
TO BE TAUGHT HERE.

THAN TOLERANCE?

ANYONE SEEN A
CERTAIN HOT
LITTLE ITEM

IN OUR LOCAL
GAY RAG?

IS MY AD STILL
RUNNING?

"IF YOU'VE
GOT IT, I'LL
SIT ON IT"?

IS THAT YOU?
NO.

I MEAN... THIS.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T
THINK I'VE EVER
OPENED THIS PAPER

FROM THE FRONT.

"...FUNDRAISER
FOR STATE SENATOR
DIANE BAXTER

WILL BE HELD
AT THE HOME OF
DR. DAVID CAMERON

ANDMR.MICHAEL NOVOTNY."

Debbie:
WHAT?

LET ME SEE THAT.

HEY, CAN WE
HAVE OUR FOOD?

EAT THE BREAD.

OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY BABY'S
IN HIGH SOCIETY.

OH, AND HERE'S
THE HOSTESS WITH
THE MOSTESS.

WHY DIDN'T YOU
TELL ME ABOUT THIS?

ENTERTAINING
A SENATOR!

Brian:
GOD, YOU'RE
A SOCIETY LADY
NOW, MIKEY.

I HOPE YOU DON'T SHOW HER
THOSE SLIDES FROM PARIS.

THAT'S JUST A LITTLE THING
THAT DAVID'S THROWING.

I THINK HE GAVE THE
SENATOR AN ADJUSTMENT
ONCE, OR SOMETHING.

COULD WE PLEASE
HAVE OUR FOOD?

IT'S SALAD, HON'.
IT'S NOT GOING
TO GET COLD.

[ Chuckle ]

OH, SHIT!

WHAT DO YOU
WEAR TO MEET
A SENATOR?

OH, I THINK
I'M GOING TO
WEAR MY, UM,

MY ORANGE SUIT,
AND MY NEW LIME
GREEN TIE.

OH, UNDERSTATED,
YEAH. THAT'S DEFI-
NITELY THE WAY TO GO.

HOW ABOUT YOU, BRIAN?

A LITTLE ARMANI?
ZEGNA? PRADA?

NADA.

I WASN'T
INVITED.

OF COURSE
YOU'RE INVITED.
WE'RE ALL INVITED.

RIGHT, HONEY?
WELL, IT'S GOING
TO BE REALLY STUFFY.

YOU KNOW,
NO FUN AT ALL.

AND YOU HAVE
TO MAKE A CON-
TRIBUTION...

Debbie:
SO? I MEAN, HOW
OFTEN DO YOU GET
TO MEET A SENATOR?

WELL, YOU
HAVE TO WORK.

I'LL TAKE IT OFF.

LOOK, THIS JUST
ISN'T YOUR
THING, OKAY?

SO JUST DROP IT.

NOW CAN I PLEASE GET THE
TURKEY MEATLOAF TO GO?

OKAY, SWEETIE.

UH, JUST LET ME
SERVE THIS MAN
HIS DINNER.

I GOTTA GO TO
THE WASHROOM.

SAY, TED, AS
MY ACCOUNTANT,

WHAT DO YOU THINK
ABOUT INCREASING
MY POLITICAL
CONTRIBUTIONS?

[ Party chatter ]

AND I DO HAVE
TO THANK YOU
AGAIN, DAVID,

FOR OPENING UP
YOUR BEAUTIFUL
HOME TO US.

WELL, THANK
YOU, SENATOR,

FOR YOUR ONGOING
COMMITMENT TO PRO-
GAY LEGISLATION.

OH, BELIEVE ME,
IF I HAVE ANYTHING
TO DO WITH IT,

AND I INTEND TO,

YOU AND MICHAEL
WILL BE CELEBRATING

YOUR WEDDING RECEPTION
RIGHT HERE.

LET'S DRINK
TO THAT.
MMM!

All:
[ Chuckling ]

NOW IF YOU'LL
EXCUSE ME,

I SHOULD, UM...

DO WHAT I'M
SUPPOSED TO DO
AT THESE AFFAIRS,

AND DRUM UP
SOME DONATIONS.

GOOD LUCK.
THANK YOU.
THANKS.

THE LAST PARTY
I WAS AT,
WE WATCHED

"I DON'T GIVE
A SHIT WHAT YOU
DID LAST SUMMER"

AND ATE BEER
AND NACHOS.

NOW YOU'RE
DRINKING
CHAMPAGNE

EATING CAVIAR TARTS

AND ENTERTAINING
A SENATOR.

Emmett:
I HOPE WE'RE
NOT TOO LATE.

I'D HATE TO
MISS THE CRUDITIES.

OH, SHIT.

JESUS. THIS LOOKS
LIKE A WAKE.

WHO DIED?

HEY, NOVOTNY!

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

WELL, WE WOULDN'T
HAVE MISSED
YOUR PARTY

FOR THE WORLD,
SWEETHEART.

Ted:
YEAH, WE FIGURE
OUR INVITATION
GOT LOST IN THE MAIL.

DAMN THAT
POSTAL SERVICE.

I'M GOING TO WRITE
MY SENATOR.

YOU DON'T HAVE
TO. SHE'S HERE.

THIS IS A
PRIVATE BENEFIT.

YOU CAN'T JUST BREAK IN.

Vic:
"BREAK IN"?

WE'RE FAMILY,
NOT BANDITS.

HERE'S A LITTLE
CHEQUE, DOC.

I THINK IT SHOULD
BE ENOUGH TO
COVER ALL OF US.

NICE TIE,
MIKEY.

'SCUSE ME.

Waiter:
CARE TO TRY
A TART?

COCKTAIL?
OR TWO OR THREE.

I'M SO
SORRY, DAVID.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
THAT THEY WOULD
SHOW UP UNINVITED.

I DON'T THINK
SENATOR BAXTER
IS GOING TO MIND

WHEN SHE SEES
THE SIZE OF
THAT CONTRIBUTION.

THIS MUSIC SUCKS DICK.

I BELIEVE IT'S
JAZZ FUSION.

YEAH, IN PHYSICS A
FUSION IS SUPPOSED
TO CAUSE A BLAST.

LIKE...

THIS!

[ Disco ?????? ]

YOU WANT TO DANCE?

I DON'T DANCE.

YOU DO NOW.

Senator Baxter:
THANKS FOR
YOUR SUPPORT.

SENATOR BAXTER?

YES, I AM.

OH, I SAW
YOU IN "OUT".

I'M DEBBIE NOVOTNY.

HELLO.

AND THIS IS MY
BROTHER VIC.

HOW DO YOU DO?
HELLO.

I'M MICHAEL'S MOTHER.

OH.

YOU KNOW, OUR HOST.

YES, AND A VERY
CHARMING YOUNG
MAN HE IS.

WE USED TO
THINK SO.

OH MY GOD,
THEY'VE CORNERED
THE SENATOR.

WE HAVE TO
SAVE HER.

SHE'S A POLITICIAN,
MICHAEL.

SHE CAN TALK
HER WAY OUT
OF ANYTHING.

HEY, HOW
YOU DOING?

CAN I GET YOU A DRINK?

CARE TO DANCE?

HUH... I'M NOT
INTO LEATHER.

HEY, YOU KNOW,
NEITHER WAS I.

THEN I RAN
INTO THIS OLD
SCHOOL FRIEND

WHO SHACKLED ME
IN HIS DUNGEON

AND MADE ME
HIS SUCK-PIG.

Emmett:
BLACK AND
BLUE, IT'S...

IT'S FINE FOR
BRUISES, BOYS,

BUT WHEN YOU COME
TO A PARTY, YOU NEED
A LITTLE COLOUR.

HA, NOW, YOU...
OH MY LORD,
W-WHO DRESSED
YOU, HONEY?

MORTICIA ADDAMS? HUH.

HERE, TURN AROUND.
[ Clearing of throat ]

SEE, NOW YOU HAVE

A FABULOUS
BUBBLE-BUTT.

BUT IT'S NOT GOING
TO DO YOU ANY GOOD

IF YOU DON'T
SHOW IT OFF.

YOU TOO. JACKETS
OFF, LET'S SEE
THOSE BODS.

COME ON.

COME ON,
CHOP, CHOP.

THIS LADY
IS A TRAMP,

AND TONIGHT JACK'S
NOT THE ONLY ONE
GETTING LUCKY.

Gus:
[ Fussing ]
COME ON.

OH, MAN.
ALL RIGHT.

OOH, OKAY,
ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

WE'LL CALL MOMMY.

[ Ringing of phone ]

HELLO?

HI, IT'S ME.

I KNOW IT'S LATE.

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

Lindsay: [ On Phone ]
It's Gus. He's in
one of his moods.

OH.

I REMEMBER HIS MOODS.

LOOK, YOU'RE THE ONE
WITH THE MAGIC TOUCH.

WOULD YOU MIND?

OVER THE PHONE?

I'm desperate.
I'll try anything.

[ Whispering ]
HERE YOU GO.
[ Fussing ]

[ Clearing of throat ]

[ Sighing ]

?? THE MOMENT I WAKE UP ??

?? BEFORE I PUT ON
MY MAKEUP ??

?? I SAY A LITTLE
PRAYER FOR YOU ??

?? I'm brushing
my hair now ??

?? and wondering what
dress to wear now ??

?? I SAY A LITTLE
PRAYER FOR YOU ??

?? FOREVER, FOREVER ??

?? YOU'LL STAY
IN MY HEART ??

?? AND I WILL LOVE YOU ??

?? FOREVER... AND EVER ??

?? WE NEVER WILL PART ??
[ Breaking of voice ]

[ Clearing of throat ]

Melanie:
Did that work?

LIKE A CHARM.

HE'S STILL THE ONLY
ONE WHO APPRECIATES
YOUR SINGING.

WHAT? I HAVE A
LOVELY VOICE.

YOU CAN BARELY
CARRY A TUNE.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

Yeah, it is.

YEAH, IT IS.

LISTEN, THANKS
FOR HELPING.
[ Cooing ]

'NIGHT, MEL.

[ Whispering ]
'NIGHT.
[ Cooing ]

[ Kissing ]

[ ?????? ]

[ Gasp of horror ]

[ Panting
with outrage ]

[ ?????? ]

BRIAN.

DON'T WORRY,
I'M JUST GIVING
HIM A TOUR

OF YOUR...
LOVELY HOME.

Michael:
DAVID, I'M
SO SORRY.

David:
WHY?

I DON'T HEAR
ANYONE COMPLAINING.

Debbie:
I SAY KICK THOSE
REPUBLICANS RIGHT
IN THE BALLS.

ONLY THEY
HAVEN'T GOT ANY.

Both:
[ Laughing ]

OH MY GOD!

MA, COULD YOU, UM,
STOP MONOPOLIZING
THE SENATOR?

I'M SORRY,
DIANE...
"DIANE"?

MICHAEL, YOUR
MOTHER IS A
REMARKABLE WOMAN.

YOU KNOW, DAVID,
I ATTEND A LOT
OF FUNDRAISERS.

AND I MEAN,
EVERYBODY
MEANS WELL,

BUT I GOT
TO TELL YOU,
THEY'RE USUALLY
VERY BORING THINGS.

NOT THIS ONE,
I'M HAVING A BALL.

MA, UM, CAN I
TALK TO YOU
FOR A SECOND?

SURE, SWEETIE.

'SCUSE ME,
DIANE.
MM-HMM.

HEY, SUNSHINE,
COME HERE.

TELL DIANE
ABOUT THE CLUB
YOU STARTED.

THIS IS ONE
GODDAMN
BRAVE KID.

I LOVE HIM.
TALK TO HER.
[ Chuckle ]

HOW DO YOU DO?

CARRY THAT A
LITTLE HIGHER.

THERE YOU
GO, SWEETIE,
THAT'S IT.

PROFESSIONAL
COURTESY.
[ Chuckling ]

HOW DARE YOU
DO THIS TO ME?

AND TO DAVID.

DO WHAT? I WAS
JUST TALKING
TO DIANE.

DO YOU KNOW
THAT SHE WORKED
AS A WAITRESS?

TO TAKE CARE
OF HER FAMILY.

SHE WAS JUST
BEING POLITE.

POLITE?

DO YOU ACTUALLY
THINK SHE WANTED
TO SPEND

HER ENTIRE EVENING
TALKING TO YOU?

WELL, IT'S NOT
AS IF I NAILED
HER TO THE FLOOR.

I THINK YOU
SHOULD ALL LEAVE.

THIS PARTY WAS
A STINKER WHEN
WE GOT HERE.

YOU SHOULD BE
THANKING US.

FOR EMBARRASSING
THE HELL OUT OF ME?

YOU KNOW, I KNOW
I'M HARD TO TAKE.

SOMETIMES.

HMM? MY JOKES,
AND MY APPEARANCE,

AND MY ENTHUSIASM.

AND I KNOW THAT
SOMETIMES YOU'RE
ASHAMED OF ME.

AND THAT'S OKAY.
I'M YOUR MOTHER,

AND IT'S PART
OF THE DEAL.

BUT, MICHAEL...

I NEVER THOUGHT
THE DAY WOULD COME

THAT I WOULD BE
ASHAMED OF YOU.

[ ?????? ]

Guillaume:
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
YOU DON'T HAVE
ANY WHITE PEACHES?

OH, PITTSBURGH.

[ Humming ]

HE EVEN DOES
THE SHOPPING.

AH, LOOK WHO'S
HERE GUS, YOUR
SPERM DONOR.

AND YOU THOUGHT
HE HAD A JOB.

IT'S CALLED
"LUNCH BREAK".
MM-HMM.

YOU KNOW, YOU
SHOULDN'T PUT THINGS
IN YOUR MOUTH THAT
AREN'T WASHED.

YOU FRENCH,
SO HYGIENIC.

I'LL TAKE
MY CHANCES.

AS YOU WISH.
OF COURSE,

YOU'RE USED TO
LIVING AT RISK.

WELL, YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE TAKING
QUITE A RISK
YOURSELF.

IN FACT, IF SOME-
ONE WANTED TO,

THEY COULD
REPORT YOU.

YES... IT WOULD BE
TROUBLE FOR ME.

I COULD BE SENT
BACK TO FRANCE.

BUT IT'D BE
FAR WORSE
FOR LINDSAY.

SHE COULD BE
SENT TO JAIL,

WHICH IS NOT EXACTLY
THE COTE D'AZUR.

YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY
SHOULDN'T DO THAT.

OH, I TRIED STOPPING
HER, BELIEVE ME.

BUT SHE WON'T HEAR
OF IT. YOU KNOW WHAT
A BIG HEART SHE HAS.

WHAT DO YOU
THINK?

WELL, IS IT FOR
DINNER OR FOR YOU?

AH, HA-HA.

COME HERE,
SONNY-BOY.
AH, NO-NO-NO.

I HAVE TO GET
HOME TO START
MY RATATOUILLE.

FUCK YOUR
RATATOUILLE.
GIVE ME MY KID,

OR I'LL SHOVE
THAT ZUCCHINI
UP YOUR ASS.

OKAY, OKAY.

Gus:
[ Fussing ]

HEY, WHAT
IS IT?

JUST FOR A
MINUTE, HEIN?
[ Inaudible
whisper ]

[ Whispering ]
I KNOW, YOU'RE
RIGHT. HE SMELLS.

WELL, I WISH
I HAD A PICTURE
TO CAPTURE THIS
RARE MOMENT.

DID YOU HEAR
SOMETHING?

YOU KNOW, ONCE LINDSAY
AND I ARE MARRIED,

WE'LL NEED YOU TO
KEEP YOUR DISTANCE.

WHY IS THAT?

WELL, WE'VE GOT
TO THINK ABOUT
APPEARANCES.

I'M EVEN THINKING
OF ADOPTING GUS.

THAT WAY EVERY-
THING WOULD BE
NICE AND LEGAL.

ALORS! TU VIENS
ICI, MON PETIT.

TU VIENS ICI,
MON PETIT.

[ Groaning ]

HEIN?

Crowd: [ Chanting ]
HEY-HEY, HO-HO,

HOMOPHOBIA'S GOT TO GO.

HEY-HEY, HO-HO,
HOMOPHOBIA'S GOT TO GO.

HEY-HEY, HO-HO!

HOMOPHOBIA'S GOT TO GO.

HEY-HEY, HO-HO!

HOMOPHOBIA'S GOT TO GO.

WHAT'S GOING
ON HERE?

WE'RE PROTESTING
ST. JAMES ACADEMY'S

BIGOTED POLICY
ON STUDENT CLUBS.

TAYLOR, I HAVE
HAD JUST ABOUT
ENOUGH OF THIS.

IT'S CALLED FREEDOM
OF ASSEMBLY, PAL.

THIS IS PRIVATE
PROPERTY.

AND YOU'RE
ALL TRESPASSING.

I'M CALLING
THE POLICE.

YOU MIGHT WANT
TO STICK AROUND
FOR THIS.

Senator Baxter:
JUSTIN TAYLOR TRIED
TO ORGANIZE A CLUB

TO PROMOTE TOLERANCE
AND UNDERSTANDING

BETWEEN GAY AND
STRAIGHT STUDENTS.

HIS ATTEMPT WAS
DENIED ON THE BASIS

THAT ST. JAMES ACADEMY
IS A PRIVATE INSTITUTION

AND ISN'T REQUIRED TO
ACKNOWLEDGE THE VOICES
OF ALL ITS STUDENTS.

WELL, IF PRIVATE
SCHOOLS EXPECT TO
RECEIVE PUBLIC DOLLARS,

THEN WE CAN EXPECT THEM
TO UPHOLD THE SAME VALUES

OF FREEDOM AND CIVIL RIGHTS

ON WHICH THIS
COUNTRY IS BASED.

GIVE 'EM HELL, DI.

[ Clapping ]

I LOVE THAT
PICTURE.

[ Dropping of frame ]

YEAH.

DADA AND
SONNY-BOY.

AHH, ALL RIGHT,
SO I'M A SHITTY
FATHER.

ARE WE SURPRISED?

I'M UPHOLDING
A FINE FAMILY
TRADITION.

YOU'RE NOT A
SHITTY FATHER.

YOU LOVE GUS.

[ Clearing
of throat ]

DIDN'T THINK
I WOULD.
IT'S STRANGE.

KNOWING THERE'S
SOMEONE ELSE
YOU CARE ABOUT
BESIDES YOURSELF?

[ Sighing ]
GIMME SOME.

IT'S BAD ENOUGH
YOU SMOKE
AT YOUR AGE.

"AT MY AGE?"

[ Clearing
of throat ]

BRIAN, I'M THE
MOST MATURE
PERSON YOU KNOW.

[ Groan ]

THINK GUS IS GOING
TO SPEAK FRENCH
BEFORE HE SPEAKS
ENGLISH?

WHY DON'T YOU
GO TO BED?

WELL, LINDSAY
CAN'T RAISE
HIM ON HER OWN.

AND AS MUCH AS
YOU LOVE HIM,

YOU'RE NEVER
GOING TO BE A
FULL-TIME PARENT.

YOU KNOW, IF I
WANTED THE NEWS,
I'D WATCH CNN.

YOU CAN'T CONTROL
EVERYONE'S LIFE,

EVEN THOUGH
YOU'D LIKE TO.

HMPH. OBVIOUSLY.

YOU'RE STILL HERE.

[ Groan ]

BEING MEAN TO
ME HAS NEVER
REALLY WORKED.

YOU SHOULD TRY
ANOTHER TACTIC.

HMMM.

WHAT'RE YOU
DOING?

I'M KILLING YOU
WITH KINDNESS.

IT'S PROVEN TO
BE A HIGHLY EF-
FECTIVE TECHNIQUE

FOR ACHIEVING...
ONE'S GOALS.

DO YOU HAVE
HIS TOYS?
THEY'RE IN
THE BAG.

WHERE ARE
MY KEYS?

PLEASE, PLEASE
HURRY UP.

THE APPOINTMENT'S
IN 20 MINUTES.

I KNOW WHEN THE
APPOINTMENT IS.

OH, GOD, HERE
THEY ARE.

OH,MERDE.

IT'S ALL WE NEED.
OKAY, Y-YOU HAVE
TO GET RID OF THEM.

ALL RIGHT, MOVE, MOVE.
D'ACCORD.

I...
LOOK, WE'RE
IN A HURRY.

I-I SWEAR I
HAD NO IDEA HE
WAS BRINGING
ME OVER HERE.

Lindsay:
WE HAVE TO LEAVE.

Melanie:
HE SAID YOU HAD
AN ACCIDENT.

AN ACCIDENT?
IT WAS THE
ONLY WAY.

Guillaume:
MAY WE SAVE
THIS FOR SOME
OTHER TIME?

WE'RE LATE.
ARE YOU GOING
SOMEWHERE, PIERRE?

TO GET OUR
MARRIAGE LICENSE.

SO, IF YOU'LL
EXCUSE US...

WELL, THIS WILL
JUST TAKE A MINUTE.

NON, NON.WE
REALLY MUST...

SIT DOWN
AND SHUT UP.

EXCUSE ME?
SIT DOWN.

Lindsay:
ALL RIGHT.

[ Sigh of
frustration ]

WHAT IS IT?

OKAY, I DON'T WANT
TO HEAR ANY MORE SHIT

ABOUT "THIS IS MY FAULT."
"NO, THIS IS MY FAULT."

"I'M TO BLAME."
"NO,I'MTO BLAME.

"I'M SORRY."
"NO, I'M SORRY."

BUT IT REALLY
IS MY FAULT.

NO, MEL, IT
WAS MY FAULT.

ALL ALONG
IT WAS...
NO, NO, NO.

Melanie:
IT WAS MY
FAULT, TRUST ME.

I WORKED THIS ALL
OUT IN THERAPY.

AND SO DID I...

I SAID SHUT UP.

AND FUCK THERAPY.

THIS IS THE ONLY
THING THAT MATTERS.

WHAT'S THAT?

IT'S MY PARENTAL RIGHTS.

I'VE SIGNED THEM
OVER TO YOU.

OH, MY GOD.

BRIAN...

ARE YOU SURE?

WOULD I BE DOING
THIS IF I WASN'T?

BUT WHY?

WELL, MY SON DESERVES
TWO PARENTS WHO'LL
BE THERE FOR HIM

AND LOVE HIM.

AND WHO LOVE EACH OTHER.

SO THE ONLY WAY
THIS DEAL WORKS

IS IF THE TWO OF YOU
GET BACK TOGETHER.

WELL, WHAT IS THIS,
SOME KIND OF A BRIBE?

YOU COULD LOOK
AT IT THAT WAY.

OR YOU CAN THINK OF IT
AS AVERYGENEROUS GIFT.

BUT IF YOU DON'T WANT IT...

DO YOU STILL
LOVE ME?

I NEVER STOPPED.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

[ Whispering ]
YEAH.

OKAY, LIGHTNING
ROUND'S OVER.

DO I HEAR AN ANSWER?

YES.
YES!

I LOVE YOU.

GOD, YOU'RE
DYKES FOR
CHRISSAKE.

TOUGHEN UP.

Lindsay:
I LOVE YOU.

Melanie:
I LOVE YOU.

AND WHAT ABOUT ME?

OH, GUI...

I'M SORRY.

SAYAU REVOIR,GUS.

Senator Baxter:
OH, DEBBIE,

THIS IS FABULOUS!

OH, GOOD.

OH, ROMANO!
UH, SUNSHINE,

HONEY, GET US
SOME ROMANO,

WOULD YOU, BABY?

I'M... I'M AFRAID
IT'S NOT AS FANCY
AS THOSE LITTLE

CAVIAR THINGS MY
SON WAS SERVING...

WELL, MAN,
AND SENATORS,

CANNOT LIVE ON
LITTLE CAVIAR
THINGS ALONE.

OH, THANKS.

IT'S TOO
BAD, UM,

MICHAEL COULDN'T
JOIN US.

THANKS, HONEY.
Vic:
WELL,
THESE DAYS,

COMING OVER TO
HIS MOTHER'S

FOR PASTA AND VINO
ISN'T HIS STYLE.

I'M SURE HE HAD
OTHER PLANS.

YEAH, LIKE
DINNER WITH BOBO.

AND MELISANDE.

WELL, FUCK HIM.

OH, SORRY,
SENATOR.

OH, IT'S OKAY.

I'VE USED THAT
WORD MYSELF,

USUALLY FOLLOWED BY BUSH.

[ Laughing ]

I'LL DRINK TO THAT.

Emmett:
OH, HELL, LET'S ALL
DRINK TO THAT.

Senator Baxter:
LET ME MAKE A
TOAST, PLEASE.

FIRST OF ALL, TO OUR
WONDERFUL HOSTESS.

DEBBIE.
THANK YOU.

All:
DEBBIE!
DEB! TO DEB.

HERE'S TO
YOU, SIS.

Senator Baxter:
AND TO LITTLE
VICTORIES.

AT LEAST, UH,
DR. PERKINS
HAS AGREED

TO TAKE YOUR REQUEST
TO THE SCHOOL BOARD.

THANKS, SENATOR BAXTER.

HEY.

HAVE A SEAT.

I CAN'T...
I CAN'T STAY.

Vic:
YOU CAN'T?

OR YOU DON'T
WANT TO?

[ Sighing ]

YOU EATEN?

NO.

SO PULL UP
A CHAIR.

SUNSHINE?

WILL YOU GET
MICHAEL SOME
PUTENESCA, HONEY?

YOU LITTLE
ASSHOLE.

SORRY, DI.

OH, IT'S OKAY.

I'VE USED
THAT ONE TOO.

Ted:
SIT DOWN HERE.

Emmett:
IT'S A GOLD
COUCH!

Emmett:
JUST LIKE YOUR
GOLD MIATA.

SO IT ALL WORKED
OUT, HAPPILY
EVER AFTER.

THANKS TO
THE SENATOR.

YEAH, DON'T
KID YOURSELF.

THAT WOMAN
IS USING YOU,

FOR MONEY
AND FOR VOTES.

SHE'LL MOVE ON
TO HER NEXT CAUSE,

HER NEXT
FUND-RAISER,

THEN WHERE
WILL YOU BE?

SHE SAID IT'S
A SMALL VICTORY.

WELL, DON'T THINK
YOU'VE WON,

THAT IT'S OVER.

'CAUSE THE MINUTE
YOU DO THAT,

YOU'RE DEAD.

NOT AS LONG AS
I'VE GOT YOU
TO PROTECT ME.