Queer as Folk (2000–2005): Season 1, Episode 16 - The Ties That Bind - full transcript

SO HE TAKES A NAP AROUND 11:00,

AND ANOTHER ONE AROUND 3:00. LUCKY HIM.

GLUG, GLUG, GLUG.

AND ALL THE EMERGENCY NUMBERS...

OH, AND IF YOU WANT TO TAKE HIM OUTSIDE,

DON'T FORGET TO PUT HIS LITTLE BEANIE HAT ON.

HE LOOKS SO ADORABLE.

HAS ANYONE, UH, SEEN MY OTHER SHOE?

AH, IS THAT WHAT I'M SITTING ON?

I KNEW IT WASN'T ONE OF MY USUAL RUBBER TOYS.

BRIAN, ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?



YEAH, FEEDING TIME,

NAP TIME, BEANIE HAT.

I GOT IT.

HE'S GOING TO BE FINE, LINDSAY.

I KNOW HE WILL BE.

AND I APPRECIATE YOU DOING THIS ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE.

BUT NOW THAT I HAVE TO GO BACK TO WORK,

I HAVE TO ATTEND THIS DAMN TEACHERS' CONFERENCE.

WELL, MAYBE YOU'LL MEET A NICE LADY P.E. TEACHER.

DON'T WORRY.

I'LL KEEP AN EYE ON HIM TOO.

I DON'T NEED YOU TO KEEP AN EYE ON HIM.

I MEANT YOU.

I'M HIS FATHER, I'M NOT GOING TO FUCK IT UP.



WOULD YOU PLEASE TELL THEM TO GIVE ME SOME CREDIT? I AM.

THAT'S WHY I'M LEAVING HIM IN YOUR CARE. BULLSHIT.

YOU'RE LEAVING HIM WITH ME

BECAUSE MELANIE'S GOING TO GO SEE HERYENTAMOTHER

IN MIAMI AND WON'T BE BACK TILL SUNDAY.

HERE'S MY NUMBER AT THE CONFERENCE.

THERE YOU GO.

HE'S GOING TO BE FINE, MOM.

I KNOW, DAD.

LOVE YOU.

ARE YOU READY TO SPEND A WEEKEND

WITH YOUR OLD MAN, SONNY-BOY?

HMM?

I'M OFF. WHOA, WHOA, MICHAEL!

YOU WANT TO GIVE ME A HAND WITH SOME OF THIS STUFF, PLEASE?

COME ON, I KNOW THERE'S A GUEST ROOM UP HERE SOMEWHERE.

I'M SORRY, I WAS GOING TO MOVE SOME OF MY STUFF.

SO, WHEN'S HE ARRIVING? 7:30.

IF THE PLANE'S ON TIME.

YOU MUST BE PRETTY EXCITED.

I'VE BEEN COUNTING THE DAYS ALL SUMMER.

THAT'S A LONG TIME.

YEAH, WELL, OREGON'S A LONG WAY AWAY.

THANK GOD FOR E-MAIL. I'M ON HIS BUDDY LIST.

GOD, YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE MY SON. COOL.

YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID. HE-HE'S AMAZING.

HE'S SMART, HE'S FUNNY.

HE... H-HE PLAYS TENOR SAX, HE CAN DO WEB SITES,

HE CAN... HE JUGGLES.

GREAT. WHEN DOES HE FIND TIME FOR BRAIN SURGERY?

AH... HE SOUNDS MARVELLOUS.

HE IS.

HE'S GOING TO LOVE YOU TOO.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

WHO WOULDN'T?

I HAVE NOT SEEN THESE BEFORE.

WELL ONE DAY, IF YOU'RE LUCKY,

YOU JUST MIGHT.

HEY!

HAVE A GOOD DAY AT WORK. YOU TOO.

COULDN'T YOU HAVE WORN SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE...

DISCREET? AS LONG AS YOUR EROGENOUS ZONES ARE COVERED,

YOU'RE SAFELY IN THE CONSERVATIVE COLUMN.

BESIDES, I TRIED STRAIGHT DRAG, "SAW THE LIGHT".

THANK YOU, GOD.

NOW...

WHAT'RE YOU IN THE MOOD FOR, FOR LUNCH?

HOW ABOUT, UH, SUSHI?

AH, JUST WHAT I NEED, FOOD POISONING.

OKAY, INDIAN?

HEARTBURN.

RIBS? HEART ATTACK.

Y-YOU KNOW WHAT I COULD REALLY GO FOR?

TUNA FISH ON WHITE BREAD, DOUBLE MAYO,

POTATO CHIPS, COLESLAW, VANILLA PUDDING.

THAT'S WHAT YOU HAVE EVERY DAY. WELL...

TED?

TED SCHMIDT?

DALE WEXLER? YEAH.

YEAH, HOW LONG'S IT BEEN?

AH... YEARS.

AH...

OH, UH, THIS IS MY FRIEND, EMMETT.

HE'S NOT FROM THESE PARTS.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

YOU TOO.

SO, UH, LAST THING I HEARD

YOU WERE SETTING UP OFFICES IN BALTIMORE?

AND CINCINNATI. NOW HERE.

IT'S GREAT, YOU'RE DOING SO WELL.

I MEAN, WE ALL KNEW YOU WOULD, OF COURSE.

YEAH, LIFE'S BEEN GOOD. HOW ABOUT YOU?

YEAH, I'M STILL WORKING FOR THE SAME FIRM.

CHRIST, I THOUGHT YOU WOULD HAVE LEFT WERTSCHAFTER BY NOW.

YEAH, WELL, HIS PERSONAL APPEAL

AND SELFLESS GENEROSITY, THEY'RE JUST HARD TO RESIST.

LISTEN, I, UH, GOT TO MEET A CLIENT FOR LUNCH,

THIS NEW INDONESIAN PLACE. YOU TRIED IT?

HIM?

UM, NO. NOT YET, BUT I-I'M MEANING TO.

NICE TO SEE YOU.

YEAH, SAME HERE.

WHO WASTHAT?

AH, SOMEONE I WENT TO BUSINESS SCHOOL WITH.

HMM, HE'S CUTE.

I THOUGHT SO TOO.

I HEAR HE'S A REAL MOVER.

BECAME A MILLIONAIRE BEFORE HE WAS 30.

WONDER WHAT HIS SECRET IS.

I'LL PROBABLY NEVER KNOW.

AND APPARENTLY THIS 12-YEAROLD JUGGLING,

JAZZ-PLAYING WEB-MASTER...

WHAT IF HE HATES ME?

WHO?

DAVID'S SON. FUCK HIM, HE'S JUST A KID.

HE'S NOT JUST A KID, HE'S DAVID'S SON.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

YOU'RE THE WICKED STEPMOTHER.

WHAT?

YOU'RE THE WICKED STEPMOTHER.

LIKE IN FAIRY TALES.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU GET YOUR FAIRY TAIL BACK TO WORK.

ISN'T THERE A TOILET YOU NEED TO SPIT-SHINE?

DON'T BE SO PATHETIC, MIKEY.

HE'S NOT GOING TO HATE YOU.

WELL, WHAT MAKES YOU SO SURE?

I'M CRAZY ABOUT YOU.

WHAT IS WITH YOU?

HE'S RIGHT.

I'M... I'M THE STEPMOTHER.

I'M... ME, A STEPMOTHER.

WHO'S A STEPMOTHER?

MIKEY.

DAVID'S SON'S COMING IN FOR THE WEEKEND.

HUH?

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?

LOOK AT YOU, YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL.

I SWEAR TO GOD, BRIAN,

HE'S GETTING TO LOOK MORE LIKE YOU EVERY DAY, YES.

YEAH, WELL, WE'RE STILL WORKING ON THE HAIR.

WHERE'S LINDSAY?

SHE'S AT A TEACHERS' CONFERENCE,

SO I'M WATCHING HIM FOR THE WEEKEND.

YOU?

I'D BE AFRAID TO LET YOU WATER MY PLANTS.

DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT A HUGGIE IS?

HERE'S A HINT, IT'S NOT A SEXUAL POSITION.

OF COURSE I DO. IT'S, UM, UH...

A DIAPER!

OH... YEAH,

I KNOW ALL ABOUT DIAPERS.

I WAS FUCKING THIS GUY FOR A WHILE,

CEO OF A BIG CORPORATION.

HE USED TO LIKE TO WEAR DIAPERS WHEN I SPANKED HIM.

GROSS.

IT'S KINKY.

ISN'T THIS WEEKEND THE LEATHER BALL?

I WOULD THINK THAT YOUR DANCE CARD WOULD BE FULL.

I KNOW, IT'S TEMPTING, BUT...

THIS YEAR,

I'M TRADING IN MY LEATHER JOCKSTRAP...

FOR...

RUBBER PANTS.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, SONNY-BOY?

MICHAEL, THERE'S HANK.

OKAY, HERE WE GO.

HAVE A NICE VISIT. BYE.

THANK YOU.

HEY! HEY.

WHOA! GOOD TO SEE YA.

I-I WANT YOU TO MEET SOMEBODY.

MICHAEL, THIS IS HANK. HANK,

MICHAEL. IT'S NICE TO FINALLY MEET YOU, HANK.

WOW, YOU'RE YOUNG.

YEAH, WELL...

I GOT A WHOLE... A WHOLE LIST OF ACTIVITIES

THAT WE'RE GOING TO DO THIS WEEK.

JUST... JUST CHOCK FULL.

COOL, HUH?

YEAH. COOL.

THERE'S THIS NEW EXHIBIT AT THE SCIENCE CENTRE

THAT I WANT TO SEE.

AND THE MONONGAHELA INCLINE,

IT'S LIKE THIS, UH, CABLE CAR

THAT HAS THESE INCREDIBLE VIEWS OF THE CITY.

PLUS THERE'S A ROCK-CLIMBING WALL THAT I HEARD ABOUT,

AND I WANT TO CHECK THAT OUT.

GUS, COME ON. TAKE IT.

LOOK, LOOK.

IT'SYOURPACIFIER.

YOUSHOULD BE SUCKING IT.

IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME. I ORDERED AN HOUR AGO.

GUS...

THINK... NIPPLE.

THINK COCK.

WHATEVER... WHATEVER GETS YOU THERE.

COME ON, COME ON.

COME ON.

YOUR OLD MAN'S NOT SO BAD AT THIS.

THEY'D BETTER NOT HAVE FORGOT THE FUCKING SESAME NOODLES THIS TIME.

IT'S ABOUT TIME, I ORDERED...

HEY, SONNY-BOY.

JESUS.

YEAH, WELL, YOU COULDN'T BE MORE SURPRISED IF IT WAS.

YOU GONNA LET ME IN?

UH, S-SURE.

HEY. SOME PLACE.

BIG AS A PALACE.

LOOKS LIKE A DUMP FROM THE OUTSIDE.

HEY, WHO'S THIS?

UH, THIS IS GUS. UH, HE'S...

LINDSAY'S KID. YOU REMEMBER LINDSAY?

AH. TALLISH, BLONDE?

YOU USED TO TAKE HER OUT.

SHE WAS A PRETTY GIRL.

SHE'S GOT ONE HELLUVA CUTE SON.

SHE LEAVES HIM WITH YOU?

SOMETIMES.

SO WHAT'RE YOU DOING, WANDERING AROUND TOWN?

A LADY-FRIEND?

AREN'T YOU A LITTLE BIT OLD FOR THAT?

THAT'S NOT IT.

NEED MONEY?

NO, I DIDN'T COME FOR YOUR FUCKING MONEY.

MOM FINALLY LEAVE YOU?

I'VE GOT CANCER.

IT STARTED IN MY LUNGS,

BUT IT'S ALREADY SPREAD.

MY BRILLIANT...

DOCTORS DISCOVERED IT ON AN X-RAY DURING MY...

PHYSICAL LAST SUMMER.

NOW, SEEMS IT'S EVERYWHERE.

SORRY.

I WOULD RATHER THE WARDEN DO THE HONOURS,

BUT SHE INSISTED I TELL YOU AND YOUR SISTER IN PERSON.

SO YOU'RE HEARING IT FROM ME.

THANKS.

HELLO?

SESAME NOODLE. DIDN'T FORGET THIS TIME.

YOU KNOW, MICHAEL JUST MOVED IN A FEW WEEKS AGO.

THAT'S WHY, UH, THE FUNNY THINGS THAT YOU SEE AROUND HERE,

LIKE CAPTAIN ASTRO, THAT'S, UH...

THAT'S HIS.

MUST BE EVEN YOUNGER THAN I THOUGHT.

CISCO'S UP. COOL!

YOU READ THE STOCK PAGE?

DON'T YOU?

UH, I STICK TO SPORTS.

CAPTAIN CRUNCH. STILL YOUR FAVOURITE?

ACTUALLY, I EAT NON-FAT, SUGAR-FREE, ORGANIC MUESLIX.

WELL...

THAT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY YOU'VE GROWN SO MUCH.

YOU'VE PROBABLY GROWN A FOOT SINCE THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU.

I WEAR A SIZE SIX SHOE NOW.

DAD BOUGHT ME THESE AWESOME ADIDAS...

I MEAN, GARY.

MAYBE I'LL BUY YOU AN AWESOME PAIR OF PANTS

TO GO WITH THOSE.

'MORNING.

'MORNING.

HI, HANK. HOW'D YOU SLEEP?

OKAY.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

GET YOURSELF SOME BREAKFAST.

WE'RE LEAVING IN 20 MINUTES.

WHAT'S THE RUSH? WHAT'S THE RUSH?

I DON'T WANT TO WASTE ANY TIME. WE GOT A MILLION THINGS TO DO.

I'LL GET MY WALLET, YOU GUYS GET DRESSED.

SO YOU MUST BE HAPPY TO SEE YOUR DAD, HUH?

HE'S BEEN, UH, TALKING ABOUT YOUR VISIT NON-STOP.

HE'S REALLY EXCITED... LOOK,

I DIDN'T WANT TO COME HERE OKAY? AT ALL.

MY MOM MADE ME. SO I'LL JUST HAVE TO PUT UP WITH IT

UNTIL I CAN GO HOME.

GUYS!

COME ON, LET'S GO.

GET DRESSED, WE GOT A BIG DAY.

PITTSBURGH'S WAITING FOR US.

HOW DO YOU WANT YOUR WAFFLES?

IN PEACHES AND GRAND MARNIER, OR CHERRIES AND RUM?

BETTER YET, WOLFGANG, WHY DON'T YOU SKIP THE WAFFLES?

AND JUST SERVE THE SAUCE...

STRAIGHT UP.

GUS JUST PUKED...

ALL OVER ME.

BABIES DO THAT. MMM.

ALL OVER MY FAVOURITE LEATHER JACKET.

A FASHION CRITIC ALREADY.

LOOK WHO'S HERE!

OH, CAN I HOLD HIM?

YEAH, BE MY GUEST.

OH, LOOK AT YOU.

HUH? OH, LOOK AT YOU. HOW ARE YOU, GORGEOUS GUS?

COME HERE. HE'S ACES.

BUT I SUSPECT HE MISSES HIS MOTHER'S TOUCH.

AH, WELL I'LL TAKE CARE OF THAT.

YOU KNOW... HI, BABY.

IF YOU'D BE INTERESTED IN SATISFYING

YOUR MATERNAL URGES FOR A LONGER PERIOD OF TIME,

RECREATING THE AMBER HUES OF MICHAEL'S CHILDHOOD

FOR AN ENTIRE EVENING, FOR INSTANCE...

THAT COULD BE ARRANGED.

YOU WANT TO GO TO THE LEATHER BALL, HUH?

HMM, YOU'RE GOOD. YEAH.

BUT YOU'RE BARKING UP THE WRONG BABYSITTER.

'CAUSE I'VE GOT THE GRAVEYARD SHIFT AT THE DINER, DON'T I?

I'LL BE BACK.

BE SURE AND WASH THEM DOWN WITH BOTTLED WATER,

NOT THAT SHIT FROM THE SUSQUEHANNA.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

YEAH. MUST BE TOUGH LIVING WITH THAT.

BRIAN?

HONEY... YOU'RE NOT...

HMM. NO.

BUT MY DAD'S... GOT CANCER.

YOUR DAD'S SICK? HE CAME OVER LAST NIGHT...

TO TELL ME THAT.

I'M SO SORRY.

HOW LONG'S HE GOT?

COUPLE MONTHS, TOPS.

WELL, THEN...

IF YOU DON'T MIND SOME FREE ADVICE

FROM SOMEONE WHO'S KNOWN YOU A LOT LONGER

THAN YOU'VE KNOWN YOURSELF,

YOU SHOULD TELL HIM. TELL HIM WHAT?

YOU KNOW DAMN WELL, DON'T PLAY DUMB.

HE MADE A VERY BIG GESTURE

IN TELLING YOU ABOUT HIMSELF.

I'M SAYING YOU SHOULD RETURN THE FAVOUR.

NO FUCKING WAY.

MY FATHER HASN'T KNOWN ANYTHING ABOUT MY LIFE FOR 29 YEARS,

OR CARED.

WHY SHOULD I BOTHER NOW?

BECAUSE IT'S GOOD FOR YOU.

TO TELL A DYING MAN I'M QUEER?

TO BE HONEST.

I'M ALWAYS HONEST.

YOU THINK YOU ARE.

HOW HONEST IS IT

TO LET YOUR FATHER GO TO HIS GRAVE

WITHOUT EVER REALLY KNOWING WHO HIS SON IS, HONEY?

LOOK, I KNOW YOU THINK HE NEVER LOVED YOU.

BUT IT MIGHT BE A WAY TO GET THROUGH TO HIM.

FOR WHATEVER IT'S WORTH,

BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

IF I WANTED A THERAPIST,

I'D LOOK IN THE FUCKING YELLOW PAGES.

YEAH, BUT I'M A HELL OF A LOT CHEAPER,

AND I DON'T TAKE OFF AUGUST.

I-I BET HE'S HUNGRY.

CAN I FEED HIM?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?

HUH! ISN'T THAT AQUARIUM INCREDIBLE?

I MEAN, I COULD STARE AT THOSE FISH TANKS FOREVER.

IT JUST SEEMED THAT LONG.

ACTUALLY, IT WAS JUST UNDER FIVE HOURS.

THIS IS SO GREAT. I MEAN, I LOVE BEING TOGETHER, YOU KNOW,

SHARING THIS, JUST YOU AND ME AND MICHAEL.

YEAH. GREAT. AH.

CAN WE TAKE A BREAK FOR LUNCH SOON?

UM, LOOKING AT ALL THOSE FISH MADE ME HUNGRY FOR CHICKEN.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WE'VE GOT TO GET TO THE MUSEUM.

THERE'S A DINOSAUR EXHIBIT.

AH, I HAVEN'T BEEN INTO DINOSAURS

SINCE, LIKE, THIRD GRADE.

HA! I LOVE DINOSAURS.

IT'S NICE TO KNOW THERE'S A CREATURE

ACTUALLY OLDER THAN ME.

ANYWAY, AFTER THAT, WE CAN GO TO THE DRIVING RANGE.

NO, THE... NO, THE BATTING CAGE

'CAUSE YOUR MOTHER TELLS ME YOUR SWING'S REALLY COMING ALONG.

AND THERE'S THIS ARCADE THAT I WANT TO CHECK OUT.

I... I HEAR IT'S REALLY FANTASTIC.

I GUESS WE'LL... WE'LL FIND OUT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY WENT OUT IN PUBLIC DRESSED LIKE THAT.

MY MOTHER USED TO SAY,

"FIND YOUR BEST FEATURE

AND PLAY IT FOR ALL IT'S WORTH."

SO THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I DID.

BESIDES, IT'S CALLED THE LEATHER BALL.

YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST DRESSED FOR THE OCCASION.

I DID. I WORE A LEATHER BELT.

YOU ARE SUCH A STICK IN THE MUD.

WHY? BECAUSE I-I DON'T WANT TO... LOOK LIKE A... CROSS

BETWEEN A NAZI STORM TROOPER AND...

ROY ROGERS?

MM, STOP IT, YOU'RE GIVING ME A HARD-ON.

I HOPE HE'S HOUSEBROKEN.

HONESTLY, THESE PEOPLE A-ARE TOO WEIRD.

HELLO, PIG BOTTOM.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO POLISH MY BOOT

WITH YOUR TONGUE? MMM.

LIKE I SAID.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I THOUGHT YOU HAD GUS.

I FOUND A SITTER.

ENJOY, YOU GUYS.

WHERE'RE YOU GOING?

HOME.

TO MY LEATHER RECLINER.

THAT'S ABOUT AS KINKY AS I GET.

LET'S GO!

OH MY GOD,

ISN'T THAT...

DALE WEXLER?

WELL, NOW YOU KNOW ONE OF HIS SECRETS, DON'T YOU?

THAT WAS QUITE A DAY, HUH? NO SHIT.

I SAW MORE OF PITTSBURGH IN 12 HOURS

THAN I'VE SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

YOU KNOW, EVERY TIME I SEE HIM, HE'S DIFFERENT.

AND I HAVE TO SPEND THE COUPLE OF DAYS THAT WE HAVE TOGETHER

TRYING TO GET TO KNOW THE "NEW HANK" BEFORE HE'S GONE AGAIN.

MICHAEL? HUH?

AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES

BEFORE YOU COME TO BED?

DON'T FLIP OUT, UM... BUT I...

I THINK I SHOULD GO STAY AT MY OLD PLACE TONIGHT.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, WHAT FOR?

I THINK HANK'S UNCOMFORTABLE WITH ME HERE.

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT IDEA? DID HE TELL YOU THAT?

WELL, NOT IN SO MANY WORDS.

BUT, YOU KNOW, THE SILENCES

TOLD ME EVERYTHING I NEEDED TO KNOW.

WELL...

YOU GOT TO GIVE HIM SOME TIME, YOU KNOW,

TO GET TO KNOW YOU.

I DON'T THINK HE WANTS TO GET TO KNOW ME, YOU KNOW.

AND I DON'T BLAME HIM. THIS WHOLE "HANK HAS TWO DADDIES" THING

IS TOO MUCH FOR ANY KID.

HE HAD NO PROBLEM WHEN I WAS WITH MACK.

WELL, NO OFFENSE, BUT YOU KNOW,

HANK WAS A LOT YOUNGER THEN, YOU KNOW.

NOW HE'S OLDER, AND HE'S STARTING TO DEFINE HIS SEXUALITY,

I'M SURE IT'S PRETTY UNSETTLING TO SEE HIS DAD AND HIS NEW MALE LOVER.

THE ONLY WAY HE'S GOING TO GET USED TO US IS BY HAVING YOU AROUND.

WELL... CAN'T WE... CAN'T WE EASE HIM INTO IT? YOU KNOW,

START OUT WITH A GUEST APPEARANCE

AND THEN BUILD ME UP TO A COSTARRING ROLE?

YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

IT'LL ONLY BE FOR A COUPLE OF NIGHTS.

NO, NOT EVEN FOR ONE NIGHT.

HANK'S GOING TO BE FINE.

AND SO ARE WE.

NOW...

LET'S GET YOU OUT OF THESE,

AND INTO BED.

I THOUGHT THOSE MIGHT MAKE AN APPEARANCE.

TED?

HEY, DALE! I THOUGHT THAT WAS YOU.

THEN I SAID TO MYSELF, "WAIT A MINUTE, IT CAN'T BE.

NOT, UH, TED SCHMIDT."

AHH. WELL, THIS IS A SURPRISE.

SO, YOU, UH, DADDY, A MASTER... SLAVE?

ACTUALLY, NONE OF THE ABOVE.

I... I'M HERE JUST AS AN OBSERVER.

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, THERE THEY ARE IN A SLING,

WITH A BOTTLE OF POPPERS STUCK UP THEIR NOSE

AND FIVE GUYS FISTING THEM.

I GUARANTEE YOU, THAT'S NOT THE CASE WITH ME.

A-A FRIEND... DRAGGED ME HERE.

UM, COWBOY BOB LASSOED ME.

HE'S PROMISED TO TAKE ME OUT TO THE STABLE,

TIE ME UP LIKE A SQUEALING PIG, AND BRAND ME.

YEE-HAW!

YOU'D BETTER GIT-ALONG, LITTLE DOGGIE!

UH... THAT'S MY FRIEND WHO...

WHO DRAGGED ME HERE.

NOW HE'S BEING DRAGGED AWAY. LUCKY HIM.

YEAH WELL, UH, LOOK, I-I'M SURE Y-YOU MUST HAVE ANOTHER SLAVE

YOU'VE GOT TO... WORK OVER,

WHATEVER IT IS YOU DO,

SO DON'T... DON'T LET ME KEEP YOU.

THAT WAS JUST A... MATINEE.

STICK AROUND. THE NEXT ONE'S GOING TO BE REALLY HOT.

OH...

I, UH, ACTUALLY, I WAS ON MY WAY HOME...

A-AFTERWARDS, HOW ABOUT, UH...

COMING OVER TO MY PLACE FOR A DRINK? WE CAN CATCH UP.

ACTUALLY, IT'S PRETTY LATE...

YOU KNOW.

STRICTLY AS "AN OBSERVER".

SHOWTIME.

HEY, LITTLE BOY,

YOU WANNA COME BACK TO MY PLACE?

NO.

FUCK YOU. YOU'D LIKE THAT, WOULDN'T YOU?

I CAN TELL YOU NEED A DADDY.

I SAID, "FUCK YOU."

YOU'RE NOT MY DADDY.

I DON'T NEED A FUCKING...

DADDY.

I'VE BEEN "MR. LEATHER" FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS.

I'VE HELD, UH, BOTH REGIONAL AND NATIONAL TITLES.

I'M, UH... IMPRESSED.

AND SURPRISED.

SURPRISED?

WHO WOULD'VE SUSPECTED?

ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING YOUR "OTHER LIFE".

THE ONE WHERE I WEAR A SUIT, AND CRUNCH NUMBERS,

AND TREAT THE CLIENTS WITH UNDESERVED RESPECT?

THAT'S NOT WHO I REALLY AM.

AND THIS IS?

IT'S AMAZING, TED...

HOW IT'S... ALLOWED ME TO EXPAND MY HORIZONS.

IN OTHER AREAS TOO, EVEN IN BUSINESS.

SO, UH...

BEING A LEATHER DADDY IS THE KEY TO YOUR SUCCESS?

OH, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT CAN HAPPEN

ONCE... YOU GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION.

PERMISSION... UH, W-W-WHAT, T-T-TO CHAIN PEOPLE UP? TIE PEOPLE DOWN?

THAT CAN BE THE MOST LIBERATING PART OF ALL.

RELINQUISHING CONTROL,

ALLOWING SOMEONE ELSE TO GIVE YOU...

PAIN, PLEASURE.

WHATEVER YOU MOST FEAR AND DESIRE.

WOULD YOU...

WOULD YOU MIND IF I USE YOUR BATHROOM?

IT'S RIGHT DOWNSTAIRS.

I SEE YOU FOUND MY PLAYROOM.

I'M SORRY, I JUST OPENED THE WRONG DOOR. OR NOT.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK? UH, WELL, I...

GUESS YOU GAVE YOUR DECORATOR FULL REIN.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO GIVE YOU A LITTLE DEMONSTRATION?

OH, THAT'S OKAY, ACTUALLY, I JUST, UH...

I JUST, UH, WANTED TO WASH MY HANDS.

WE'D BOTH ENJOY IT.

ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU WERE HOT.

YOU DID? VANILLA BOYS ARE ALWAYS THE WILDEST.

ALL THAT UNFULFILLED DESIRE.

WHY DON'T YOU ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE YOU TO YOURSELF?

TO THE REAL TED SCHMIDT.

I PROMISE I WON'T DO ANYTHING YOU DON'T WANT ME TO.

YOU SAY "STOP",

AND I'LL STOP.

STOP!

I'M SOR... I DIDN'T... I DIDN'T COME HERE FOR THIS.

I KNOW.

YOU'RE JUST AN OBSERVER.

THAT'S RIGHT, AND I THINK I'VE SEEN ENOUGH.

SO... IF YOU'LL JUST EXCUSE ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT I REMEMBER ABOUT YOU MOST?

EVERY DAY IN THE SCHOOL CAFETERIA,

YOU'D HAVE THE SAME THING FOR LUNCH.

SO RELIABLE.

I USED TO MARVEL HOW THE MENU NEVER CHANGED.

I GUESS NEITHER HAVE YOU.

THANK YOU FOR THE...

DRINK.

NO, I HAD NO IDEA.

HE WAS GOING TO GIVE THE BABY HOT MILK.

HE DIDN'T TEST IT ON HIS ARM. I DIDN'T KNOW.

THANK GOD I WALKED IN WHEN I DID.

GUS COULD'VE BEEN SCALDED. I'M SORRY.

I'M SO SORRY.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I CAME BACK FROM MIAMI EARLY

AND THERE'S A MESSAGE ON MY VOICE MAIL FROM LINDSAY

SAYING THAT SHE LEFT GUS HERE WITH YOU.

SO I CAME BY TO CHECK ON HIM, AND IT'S A GOOD GODDAMN THING I DID.

PAWNING HIM OFF ON ANYONE

SO YOU CAN GO TO A FUCKING LEATHER BALL?

HEY, JUSTIN'S NOT "ANYONE". I LOVE GUS.

BABY, I KNOW YOU DO, HONEY. THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU.

YOU TAKE HIM.

THIS IS ABOUT YOU

AND WHAT AN IRRESPONSIBLE SHIT YOU ARE.

LISTEN, I WENT OUT FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS.

YEAH, WELL YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN OUT AT ALL.

BECAUSE, YOU SEE, THE THING ABOUT PARENTHOOD IS,

YOU DON'T GET ANONYMOUS-SEX BREAKS TWICE A DAY.

NOW GIVE ME YOUR CAR KEYS.

UH, EXCUSE ME? I SAID GIVE ME YOUR CAR KEYS

SO I CAN GO GET THE BABY SEAT OUT OF THE BACK OF YOUR JEEP.

I'M TAKING GUS HOME.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

THIS IS HIS HOME.

AT LEAST FOR THIS WEEKEND.

SORRY, YOUR PRIVILEGES HAVE BEEN REVOKED.

DON'T FUCKING TELL ME WHAT MY PRIVILEGES ARE.

I'M HIS FATHER.

WHO ARE YOU?

I MAY BE NO ONE,

BUT AT LEAST I LOVE HIM ENOUGH

TO KNOW THAT HIS NEEDS COME BEFORE MINE.

WHICH IS MORE THAN CAN BE SAID FOR YOU.

YEAH, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!

HANK!

YES!

DADDY, LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT ME.

CAREFUL, HONEY.

YES!

HANK SCORED THE WINNING GOAL IN THE CHAMPIONSHIP LAST YEAR.

OF COURSE HE DID.

HOW COME YOU'RE SITTING ON THE SIDELINES?

I TOLD YOU, I CAN'T SKATE.

WELL, I'LL HELP YOU.

IF GOD WANTED ME TO BE ON ICE

HE'D HAVE MADE ME A VODKA MARTINI.

WHICH I COULD USE RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

WHAT IS THIS, "FAGS ON ICE"?

THAT'S THE OLYMPIC FIGURE-SKATING TEAM.

OKAY.

AH, THAT'S ME.

HANK, WILL YOU HELP ME WITH MICHAEL, PLEASE?

DR. CAMERON.

YES.

OH, YOU'RE KIDDING!

UH-HUH.

YEAH, I COULD BE THERE IN ABOUT HALF AN HOUR.

OKAY.

ONE OF THE PENGUINS THREW HIS BACK OUT DURING PRACTICE.

I'M SORRY, CHAMP, I'VE GOT TO GO.

I WON'T BE VERY LONG.

NO BIGGIE.

WELL, IT'S A BIGGIE TO ME.

YOU'RE LEAVING ME ALONE WITH HIM?

WELL, I'M NOT GOING TO BE VERY LONG.

WE DON'T KNOW EACH OTHER VERY WELL.

WELL, YOU'LL GET TO. BUT...

DAVID, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT, MICHAEL?

WELL, HE WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO BEING WITH YOU.

I'M NOT GOING TO BE GONE FOR VERY LONG.

LOOK.

HERE'S THE ITINERARY. YOU STICK TO THAT,

YOU'LL HAVE A GREAT TIME. OKAY?

I'LL SEE YOU IN A LITTLE WHILE.

HI, HONEY. HELLO, DEB.

HI, BABY.

HEY! HOW'D IT GO LAST NIGHT, "DADDY"?

HUH. WOULD YOU MIND NOT USING THAT WORD IN MY PRESENCE?

OOH, GROUCHY, HUH?

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TEND TO A TOT, SEE?

IT'S NOT A PRETTY JOB.

BUT I'M PROUD OF YOU, BRIAN.

HUH? SACRIFICING THE LEATHER BALL.

WHOO! THAT'S BIG.

ALTRUISM'S HIS MIDDLE NAME.

OH, IS THAT WHAT THE "A" STANDS FOR?

I DIDN'T THINK IN A MILLION YEARS

YOU'D GIVE UP AN EVENT LIKE THAT.

SO I TIP MY HAT...

OR SHOULD I SAY, MY WIG?

TO YOU, KID.

HUH? FOR TAKING CARE OF YOUR KID.

ACTUALLY, I'M THE ONE THAT...

PSST... UM...

GIVE ME UP AND I'LL TIE YOUR BALLS SO TIGHT

THEY'LL ACHE FOR A WEEK.

THIS IS PUNISHMENT? MM-HMM.

I HELPED.

DID YOU, HONEY? MM-HMM.

GOOD, BABY.

WELL, ALL THIS TALK ABOUT BABIES,

HAS GIVEN ME A CRAVING

FOR THE BABYBACK RIBS.

GOT 'EM.

I'LL HAVE, UH, THE TUNA FISH...

ON WHITE BREAD.

DOUBLE MAYO.

POTATO CHIPS, AND COLESLAW.

AND VANILLA PUDDING.

CHRIST, AM I REALLY THAT PREDICTABLE?

NO, HONEY, JUST RELIABLE.

THANKS EVER SO.

I-IT'S JUST NOT YOUR STYLE TO BE SPONTANEOUS,

WILD...

RECKLESS.

NO, IT'S MY STYLE TO NEVER TAKE A CHANCE,

NEVER LET MYSELF GO,

NEVER PUT MY ASS IN A SLING.

I MEAN, ON THE LINE.

HONEY, IT'S ONLY LUNCH.

YEAH, WELL IN THAT CASE, I WILL HAVE THE CAJUN CATFISH

WITH THE PAD THAI NOODLES AND THE...

UH, PAPAYA-MANGO SALSA ON THE SIDE.

LETTING GO DOES NOT MEAN GETTING THE RUNS.

GIVE HIM THE USUAL.

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU EAT.

YOU'LL ALWAYS BE OLD...

OLD, RELIABLE TED.

YOU KNOW IT'S... I-IT'S AMAZING

HOW YOU CAN LIVE IN A CITY YOUR WHOLE LIFE

AND NOT REALIZE HOW MANY WONDERFUL SIGHTS

AND ATTRACTIONS THERE ARE, YOU KNOW?

FOR INSTANCE, WHO KNEW THAT THERE WAS A THING

CALLED THE "SCREAM MACHINE"?

AT THE CARNEGIE SCIENCE CENTRE, YOU KNOW?

EXPERIENCING THE G-FORCES WAS CERTAINLY A, UH, "STOMACH CHURNING,

NAIL-BITING SCIENCE EDUCATION" FOR ME.

WHAT MADE IT ESPECIALLY MEMORABLE

WAS THE LARGE PEPPERONI PIZZA WE SHARED MOMENTS BEFORE.

CAN WE GO HOME NOW?

WHAT, AND MISS THE, UH...

MONONGAHELA INCLINE?

LOOK...

I KNOW THIS ISN'T EASY FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW, HAVING A DAD WHO'S, WELL...

DIFFERENT FROM OTHER FATHERS.

AND I'M SURE IT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY EASIER

SEEING HIM WITH ME.

SO HE'S GAY. BIG DEAL!

I'VE ONLY KNOWN ABOUT IT LIKE SINCE I WAS, LIKE, NINE.

WAIT.

SO WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE HERE?

'CAUSE HE DRIVES ME NUTS.

EVERY TIME I COME HERE,

HE'S GOT TO HAVE EVERY SINGLE MINUTE PLANNED.

THE INCLINE, THE MUSEUM, THE AQUARIUM.

I MEAN, THAT MAY HAVE BEEN FUN WHEN I WAS A KID,

BUT... HOW MANY TIMES CAN YOU SEE FISH?

SO WHY DON'T YOU TELL HIM TO BACK OFF?

HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TELLING HIM TO BACK OFF?

GOOD POINT. BUT YOU KNOW,

HE JUST WANTS YOU TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.

OH, MY GOD. CHECK IT OUT.

SCORPIONHEAD NUMBER 34.

HOLY SHIT! I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR THAT MY ENTIRE LIFE.

YOU TOO? Y-YOU CAN'T EVEN FIND THAT ON E-BAY.

U-UH... SCORPIONHEAD IS SO COOL.

SO COOL! THE WAY HE CAN...

STING WITH HIS NOSE!

EXACTLY! YOU WANT TO CHECK IT OUT?

FUCK YEAH!

HEY. YOUR MOM'S IN THE KITCHEN.

GET YOURSELF A CUP OF COFFEE,

AND GET ME A REFILL, WOULD YOU?

I'M NOT HERE TO SEE HER, ACTUALLY.

SHOULDN'T YOU BE TAKING IT EASY?

I'LL HAVE PLENTY OF TIME TO TAKE IT EASY...

THERE'S YEARS OF STUFF OUT HERE, I...

I NEED TO... I WANT TO... GET EVERYTHING IN ORDER.

OH, WAIT TILL YOU SEE THIS, SONNY-BOY.

TA-DA!

WHAT WAS THAT TEAM YOU USED TO BOWL WITH?

EASTWAY KINGS.

YOU USED TO COME WITH ME WHEN YOU WERE, WHAT, EIGHT, NINE?

YOU REMEMBER THAT?

YEAH.

I ALWAYS HOPED YOU'D TAKE IT UP.

LISTEN, ABOUT THE OTHER NIGHT.

I KNOW. I SHOULD'VE CALLED BEFORE I DROPPED IN.

LIKE "THE WARDEN" SAYS,

"THAT'S WHAT THEY MAKE TELEPHONES FOR."

I GOT IT.

SHIT.

WE NEED TO TALK.

YOU KNOW, I THINK THAT'S THE FIRST TIME

I EVER HEARD YOU SAY THAT? YEAH.

THAT'S PROBABLY 'CAUSE THAT'S THE FIRST TIME I EVER HAVE.

I JUST THOUGHT THAT MAYBE WE COULD, UH...

SNEAK IT UNDER THE WIRE, HUH?

HEY, I GOT SOME BOOKS HERE.

I'M GAY.

WELL, YOU PICKED A HELL OF A FUCKING TIME

TO TELL ME YOU'RE A FAIRY.

AS IF I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH.

GEEZ.

YOU'RE THE ONE THAT SHOULD BE DYING, INSTEAD OF ME.

BUT I'M NOT DYING, YOU SELFISH OLD PRICK.

YOU ARE.

AW, LOOK AT THIS GUY. THAT'S GREAT.

HEY, GUYS. OH, MY GOSH.

SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG.

LONGER THAN I EXPECTED. DAD!

WHAT? YOU CAN'T BELIEVE

WHAT MICHAEL AND I FOUND.

SCORPIONHEAD NUMBER 34!

THAT'S... THAT'S GREAT, HANK.

YOU OWE ME 150 BUCKS.

WHOO!

OH, I'M GONNA GO PAGE ADAM.

HE'S A SCORPIONHEAD HEAD, TOO. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WAIT A SECOND. TELL ME ABOUT... HOLD ON, HOLD ON.

HOLD ON. TELL ME ABOUT YOUR DAY.

WE HAD A BLAST.

GREAT.

AH, LOOKS LIKE IT WENT OFF IN HERE.

AND WHAT ABOUT YOU? DID YOU SEE ANY, UH,

NAKED PENGUINS?

YEAH, JUST THE ONE.

SO T-TELL ME ABOUT THE INCLINE.

OH, WELL WE, UH...

WE TOOK A DETOUR FROM THE OFFICIAL ITINERARY

AND WE WENT TO COMIXLAND.

WHAT ABOUT ALL THE THINGS I HAD PLANNED?

UH...

YOU SAT AROUND HERE ALL DAY AND READ COMICS?

IT WAS WHAT HANK WANTED.

DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY,

BUT, HE'S NOT TOO CRAZY ABOUT THE SCHEDULE.

HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHY

YOU HAVE TO DRAG HIM AROUND EVERY MINUTE.

WHO'S DRAGGING HIM AROUND?

I JUST WANT HIM TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.

WELL, MAYBE HIS IDEA OF A GOOD TIME

IS DIFFERENT THAN YOURS

AND YOU DIDN'T BOTHER TO FIND OUT WHAT IT WAS.

HEY, DON'T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY SON.

I'M NOT! I JUST...

I-I'M TRYING TO HELP. YEAH, BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN

YOU'RE A FUCKING AUTHORITY?

HE'S UNHAPPY HERE. OH.

HE WANTS TO GO HOME.

AND NOT BECAUSE OF THE REASONS THAT I THOUGHT,

BUT BECAUSE OF... BECAUSE OF YOU.

YOU'RE THE PROBLEM.

THERE ARE MANY PLEASURES TO BE FOUND HERE.

PLACES THAT YOU'RE AFRAID TO EVEN THINK OF GOING.

I CAN TAKE YOU THERE.

BUT FIRST YOU MUST SURRENDER TO ME.

COMPLETELY.

DO YOU SURRENDER?

YES, I-I SURRENDER.

"SIR".

YOU WILL CALL ME "SIR".

SIR.

AND YOU ARE "SLAVE".

IT'S... IT'S KIND OF COLD IN HERE.

I DIDN'T SAY YOU COULD SPEAK.

I'M SORRY. "SIR".

I'M SORRY, SIR.

GOOD SLAVE.

NOW YOU WILL DO EXACTLY AS YOU ARE TOLD.

SO I THOUGHT THIS SUMMER,

WE COULD GO WHITE WATER RAFTING.

I'M GOING TO BASEBALL CAMP THIS SUMMER.

OH. WELL, TH-THAT'S GOOD.

WELL, THANKSGIVING WE COULD GO HIKING. HIKING...

WE'RE GOING TO GRANDMA AND GRANDPA'S.

OKAY, THAT TAKES US TO CHRISTMAS.

CHRISTMAS WE CAN GO SKIING.

YOU JUST DON'T GET IT, DO YOU?

MICHAEL TOLD ME YOU WEREN'T HAVING A VERY GOOD TIME.

AND I DIDN'T WANT TO BELIEVE HIM.

YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST TRYING REALLY HARD TO...

THAT'S JUST IT, DAD.

YOU JUST TRY TOO HARD.

YEAH, I GUESS I DO.

I SUPPOSE THAT'S BECAUSE I DON'T GET TO SEE YOU VERY OFTEN.

YOU LIVE OUT THERE, AND I'M BACK HERE.

SO FOR THOSE FEW DAYS THAT I'M LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE YOU,

I JUST WANT IT TO BE SOMETHING SPECIAL.

SOME... SOMETHING.

SO YOU REMEMBER ME.

SO YOU WON'T FORGET ME.

WHEN I'M WITH YOU, I'M GETTING AWAY FROM MOM AND GARY

AND ALL THAT BULLSHIT STRESS HAPPENS AT SCHOOL.

AND, I MEAN, I JUST WANT TO HANG OUT.

NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT DOING SOMETHING

EVERY SINGLE MINUTE OF MY DAY.

YOU MEAN JUST LIKE LYING AROUND, READING COMICS?

YEAH.

I MEAN, IF I FEEL LIKE IT.

IS NOW READY FOR BOARDING.

THAT'S YOU.

CALL ME TONIGHT.

NO MATTER HOW LATE IT IS.

OKAY, I WILL.

BYE, HANK.

NEXT.

THANKS FOR THE SCORPIONHEAD.

BYE-BYE.

NEXT PERSON IN LINE, PLEASE.

YOU KNOW, I ACTUALLY DON'T MIND BEING A STEPMOTHER.

FOR SOMEONE WHO HAD NEVER HAD A FATHER,

YOU SURE KNOW A LOT ABOUT BEING ONE.

WELL, I JUST...

IMAGINED WHAT I'D WANT HIM TO ACT LIKE, IF I DID.

SO, WE'VE GOT THE HOUSE ALL TO OURSELF AGAIN.

WHAT DO YOU FEEL LIKE DOING?

I DON'T KNOW, LAUNDRY? BOOKKEEPING?

TRY AGAIN, STUD.

I MEAN, YOU GAVE ME YOUR WORD.

YOU SWORE I COULD TRUST YOU WITH HIM.

LOOK, YOUR EX ALREADY REAMED ME OUT.

WELL, NOW IT'S MY TURN.

YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO BE HIS PARENT.

IF THAT'S TRUE, THEN FUCKING WELL BE ONE.

BUT DON'T TELL ME YOU'LL BE THERE FOR HIM WHEN YOU'RE NOT.

WHEN YOU'VE NEVER BEEN THERE FOR ANYONE ELSE

OTHER THAN YOURSELF.

HEY, SONNY-BOY.

ANYONE HOME?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I'LL ONLY BE A MINUTE.

I FOUND SOMETHING WHEN I WAS GOING THROUGH THOSE BOXES.

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT WANT IT.

THAT'S ME AND YOU WHEN YOU WERE FOUR MONTHS OLD.

WHY ARE YOU SMILING?

IT'S A PHOTOGRAPH. ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO?

I DON'T WANT IT.

YOU MIGHT CHANGE YOUR MIND ONE DAY, WHEN I'M GONE.

I DOUBT IT.

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN REALLY PACK A WALLOP FOR A FAG.

JUST DON'T TELL YOUR MOTHER, YOU UNDERSTAND?

SHE'LL BE AT FUCKING MASS THREE TIMES A DAY PRAYING...

MR. KINNEY.

YOU PROBABLY DON'T REMEMBER ME. BUT... I'M LINDSAY.

PETERSEN. COURSE I REMEMBER YOU.

ALTHOUGH IT'S BEEN A...

A LONG TIME.

YOU'RE STILL A LOOKER.

THANK YOU, MR. KINNEY.

JACK.

WHAT, DO YOU STILL THINK YOU'RE A LADIES' MAN?

YOU HAVE YOURSELF A BEAUTIFUL SON.

YEAH.

WELL, I GUESS I'LL BE ON MY WAY.

THERE'S SOMEONE ELSE I WANT YOU TO SAY HELLO TO.

YOUR GRANDSON.

MY GRANDSON?

WHAT THE FUCK'S GOING ON?

ARE YOU SCREWING WITH ME, SONNY-BOY?

NO, I'M NOT SCREWING WITH YOU.

JACK, WOULD YOU LIKE TO HOLD HIM?

OH, I...

IT'S BEEN A WHILE, YOU KNOW, SINCE I HELD A BABY, BUT...

YEAH.

HI.

Gus.

HIS NAME'S GUS.

GUS.