Queer as Folk (2000–2005): Season 1, Episode 15 - The Ties That Bind - full transcript

YEAH, CALL MY TRAVEL AGENT.

BOOK ME INTO THE BEST RESORT IN THE BAHAMAS

THE BAHAMAS? WHY? IS SOUTH BEACH OVER?

NO. LIBERTY AIR IS SENDING ME THERE FOR A MARKETING RETREAT.

OH, SO THIS IS ALL WORK, NO PLAY?

OH, RIGHT. I'LL JUST CRACK OPEN THE SPARTACUS GUIDE.

HEY, YOU GOT A MINUTE?

YEAH, WE'RE JUST PLANNING MY TRIP.

WELL, YOU BETTER HOLD OFF ON THAT.

I'M SENDING DARREN JOHNSON INSTEAD.

I NEED FOR YOU TO GO HOME.



IF YOU'LL JUST EXCUSE ME FOR A MINUTE.

THIS IS JUST UNTIL THIS WHOLE HARASSMENT THING IS OVER.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO "INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY?"

LOOK, THE LIBERTY AIR FOLKS ARE CONSERVATIVE.

WHAT WOULD THEY THINK IF THEY FOUND OUT

THAT THEIR ACCOUNT EXEC WAS INVOLVED IN A GAY SEX SCANDAL?

YOU MEAN THEY WOULDN'T MIND A STRAIGHT ONE?

I'VE ALSO SPOKEN WITH LEGAL.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE SEEING A, UH, A REP FROM HUMAN RESOURCES,

AND THERE'S GOING TO BE A...

OUTSIDE INVESTIGATION, FOLLOWED BY A TRIBUNAL

WITH A... AN IMPARTIAL MEDIATOR.

WHEN'S THE HANGING?

IF I WERE YOU, I'D GET MYSELF A GOOD LAWYER.



I TOLD YOU NOT TO FUCK HIM.

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT WHEN YOUR MOM'S NOT WAITING ON US,

THE PORTIONS SHRINK BY APPROXIMATELY ONE THIRD?

I SAID "FRIES". PLURAL.

ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?

YEAH, I SHOULDN'T HAVE FUCKED HIM.

IT'S LIKE MR. WERTSCHAFTER FUCKING ME.

MR. WERTSCHAFTER'S LIKE 72!

DO YOU MIND? I WAS TRYING TO EAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. YOU DON'T PREY ON THE HELP.

I DIDN'T "PREY" ON HIM. HE WENT AFTER ME.

LET'S GO TO THE GYM.

YOU'LL FEEL BETTER AFTER YOU WORK OUT.

YOU COMING? OH, NO.

THE GYM ISN'T THE SAME WITHOUT MY WORKOUT BUDDY.

WE'LL BE YOUR WORKOUT BUDDIES.

EMMETT WOULD LET ME GET AWAY WITH MURDER.

YOU GUYS'LL MAKE ME SWEAT.

SO WE'LL SEE YOU AT WOODY'S LATER ON?

AH, WOODY'S ISN'T THE SAME WITHOUT MY BEER BUDDY THERE,

POINTING OUT ALL THE CUTE GUYS AND...

SPILLING DRINKS ALL OVER ME.

WE'LL SPILL DRINKS ALL OVER YOU.

YOU KNOW EMMETT CAN'T COMMIT TO ANYTHING,

A GUY, A NEW CONDITIONER.

HE'LL GET OVER THIS TOO. YOU'LL SEE.

THANKS FOR LUNCH.

SO, UH, THERE WE WERE THE OTHER NIGHT,

JIM AND I, SITTING AROUND WATCHING THE GAME.

I'M... I'M TRYING TO TEACH HIM FOOTBALL.

SHE IS. CAN YOU STAND IT? BUT I'M HOPELESS!

YEAH, YOU ARE. BUT ANYWAY, SO THERE I AM,

TRYING TO EXPLAIN POINT SPREADS YET AGAIN,

WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, UH,

WE STARTED TO LOOK INTO EACH OTHER'S EYES.

THE NEXT THING I KNOW, WE WERE KISSING.

WITH TONGUES AND EVERYTHING.

I KNOW. CAN YOU STAND IT?

AND NOW... WELL, YOU TELL THEM, HONEY.

WE'RE ENGAGED.

CAN YOU STAND IT? CAN YOU STAND IT?

DO YOU SEE THEPOWEROF THE WORK WE'RE DOING HERE?

DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU THAT IT ISN'T POSSIBLE,

THAT YOU CAN'T HEAL.

I WANT TO HEAR SUCCESS STORIES FROM EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU.

YOU CAN DO IT.

YOU CAN DO IT. YOU CAN DO IT.

IT'S INSPIRING, ISN'T IT?

SEEING PEOPLE CHANGE THEIR LIVES.

YEAH, IT GIVES US ALL HOPE THAT...

ONE DAY WE TOO CAN BE A SUCCESS STORY.

GOD, I WISH I WAS ONE. OH, ME TOO.

I'M HEATHER. UH, EMMETT.

HI. OW. OH, NICE, FIRM HANDSHAKE.

SORRY, I'M.... I'M WORKING ON THAT.

UH, SO YOU'RE NEW HERE, HUH?

UH, YEAH. A COUPLE OF WEEKS. AH.

YOU? UH, SIX MONTHS.

HAS IT HELPED? I'M GETTING THERE,

BUT IT'S A LONG ROAD.

YOU SEE, I FIRST LOST SIGHT OF THE LIGHT BACK IN COLLEGE.

I FELL IN LOVE WITH ONE OF MY SORORITY SISTERS,

JEANNIE.

I TAUGHT HER HOW TO PLAY GOLF AT MY PARENTS' COUNTRY CLUB.

AND THEN ONE NIGHT IT JUST HAPPENED.

WE MADE LOVE ON THE 18th GREEN.

GOD! OH, I STILL REMEMBER THAT HOLE.

BUT THEN, UH, SHE GOT ENGAGED TO A GOLF PRO

AND MOVED TO PINEHURST, NORTH CAROLINA.

SORRY.

WHEN SHE LEFT, I THOUGHT I WOULD DIE.

AND I TRIED TO GET OVER IT BY GOING FROM WOMAN TO WOMAN.

AND I STARTED TO WONDER HOW I ENDED UP

IN SUCH DARKNESS.

AND THAT'S WHEN I STARTED TO FIND MY WAY BACK TO THE LIGHT.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

I MADE A PROMISE TO GOD.

OH, FAR OUT!

I MEAN, YOU KNOW I... I REALLY THINK HE HEARS US, YOU KNOW.

YEAH. YEAH.

UH, SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY,

MAYBE YOU AND ME GO OUT TOGETHER SOME TIME?

YOU MEAN, LIKE O-ON...

ON A DATE? MM-HMM.

I DON'T KNOW. UH...

I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO BE A SUCCESS STORY.

MORE THAN ANYTHING.

WELL THEN LET'S GO FOR IT.

TOMORROW NIGHT. I'LL PICK YOU UP A.
8:00.

ALL RIGHT. OKAY

8:00'S GREAT. BUT, UM...

AREN'T I SUPPOSED TO PICK YOU UP?

OH. OW!

YEAH. HUH, RIGHT. OKAY.

WHIPPED YOU UP A LITTLE SNACK.

"A LITTLE SNACK" IS A HANDFUL OF CAPTAIN CRUNCH.

I'M FRESH OUT OF CAPTAIN CRUNCH.

THIS IS A LITTLE PENNE, SUN-DRIED TOMATO.

THAT'S A WHITE WINE CREAM SAUCE WITH ARUGULA,

AND A WITTY LITTLE MERLOT.

OH. IT'S HOT!

I BURN... I-I BURNED MY TONGUE.

WELL LET ME COOL IT DOWN FOR YOU.

MM-MM.

THAT BETTER NOT BE WHO I THINK IT IS.

MM-HMM?

IT'S TED.

HEY, AM I DISTURBING YOU?

WELL... All right,

So I'm lying in bed.

I'm watching this porno flick, right? It's terrible.

These two guys are fucking and eating pasta at the same time.

Like anyone would really do that, right?

UH-HUH.

WHEN BRIAN CALLS.

OH-OH.

I think he's kind freaking out.

FREAKING OUT?

YEAH. HE WANTED ME TO TELL HIM, AS HIS ACCOUNTANT,

HOW LONG HE COULD GO WITHOUT A JOB.

And what did you tell him?

THE WAY HE SPENDS? TWO MONTHS, TOPS.

And what did he say?

HE THANKED ME VERY MUCH

FOR BEING SUCH A WONDERFUL AND COMPASSIONATE FRIEND.

OH, MY GOD, HE IS FREAKING OUT.

Uh-huh. UM... UH...

I'LL CALL YOU LATER.

ALL RIGHT.

YEAH!

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

IT'S BRIAN. I'VE GOT TO CALL HIM. UH...

DAVID, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

HE'S GONNA GO BROKE. HE'S GONNA LOSE HIS JOB.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

WE'RE NOT GOING TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP LIKE MELANIE AND LINDSAY.

OF COURSE WE'RE NOT.

WE'RE NOT LESBIANS.

I MEAN...

THERE'S ONLY ROOM IN THIS...

HOUSE, OUR HOUSE, OUR BED, OUR LIFE,

FOR YOU AND ME, NOT FOR YOU AND ME AND BRIAN.

I KNOW.

PROMISE ME THAT YOU WON'T INVOLVE YOURSELF

IN HIS PROBLEMS. HE'S MADE HIS OWN BED.

NOW HE CAN GET SUED IN IT.

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT. YOU FUCK UP MY LIFE,

YOU DESTROY MY RELATIONSHIP,

AND NOW YOU HAVE THE ASTONISHING, BREATHTAKING GALL

TO ASK ME TO REPRESENT YOU?

YEAH. AND I'LL PAY TOO.

OH, KEEP YOUR MONEY, BECAUSE FROM WHAT I HEAR,

YOU'RE GOING TO NEED IT.

FINE. HOMOPHOBIC CORPORATE AMERICA WINS AGAIN.

OH, PLEASE. YOU COULD HANG A SIGN ON YOUR OFFICE DOOR

SAYING "BLOW JOBS, 10 CENTS" AND YOU'D STILL HAVE IT BETTER

THAN ANY WOMAN OR PERSON OF COLOUR

BECAUSE GUESS WHAT? YOU'RE A WHITE MAN.

WHICH STILL COUNTS FOR SOMETHING IN THIS COUNTRY.

THANKS.

ALL RIGHT, JUST FOR LAUGHS,

GIVE ME YOUR VERSION OF THE STORY.

HE WANTED IT, I GAVE IT TO HIM.

LIKE I ASKED FOR, SHORT BUT SWEET.

IT WASN'T THAT SHORT. AND WHERE

DID THIS ACT OF SELFLESS GENEROSITY TAKE PLACE?

IN MY OFFICE AND IN MY LOFT.

SO HE COULDN'T HAVE MINDED IT TOO MUCH IF HE CAME BACK FOR MORE. GO ON.

THEN HE ASKED ME TO HELP HIM GET A PROMOTION.

WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM? I TOLD HIM HE WASN'T READY.

HOW DID HE TAKE IT?

HOW DO YOU THINK?

HE FELT BECAUSE WE WERE BOTH GAY,

AND WE'D FUCKED, THAT SOMEHOW HE WAS ENTITLED TO A FREE RIDE.

I DIDN'T AGREE.

HOW MANY TRICKS DO YOU HAVE A MONTH?

20, 30.

JESUS, WHAT A LIFE.

WHAT DOES THE NUMBER OF GUYS I DO HAVE TO DO WITH IT?

WELL FOR ONCE, THE FACT THAT YOU SCREW EVERYTHING THAT MOVES

IS YOUR FINEST QUALITY AND YOUR BEST DEFENSE.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO ABUSE YOUR POSITION AT WORK IN ORDER TO GET LAID.

"THE FUCK DEFENSE"?

WE'VE GOT TO PROVE THAT WHEN THIS KID DIDN'T GET WHAT HE WANTED,

HE DECIDED TO USE THE LAW IN ORDER TO GET EVEN.

THEN YOU'LL TAKE THE CASE?

LOOK, NOT THAT I GIVE A SHIT ABOUT SAVING YOUR ASS,

BUT IT MIGHT BE AMUSING TO HAVE YOU INDEBTED TO ME

FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

DO IT.

DO IT. DO IT.

DO IT. DO IT.

DO THE HUSTLE.

WHOO-OOH!

WHOO! WHOO!

DO YOU MIND?

WHAT'S THE MATTER, PRINCESS?

I'M TRYING TO DO MY HOMEWORK.

WELL, EXCUUSE US!

HEY.

HEY, MIKEY.

WHAT ARE THEY DOING?

RELIVING THEIR YOUTH.

DO THE HUSTLE!

YOU PEOPLE ARE SO WEIRD.

WELL, IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO UP TO YOUR ROOM?

OH, LET ME REPHRASE THAT, "MY ROOM".

WOULD YOU LET IT GO, ALREADY?

YEAH, MIKEY.

YOU'RE A DOCTOR'S WIFE NOW.

THAT'S RIGHT.

AND TO THINK I USED TO WORRY THAT YOU'D BE SPENDING YOUR LIFE

FOLLOWING AFTER... WHAT'S-HIS-NAME?

WOULD YOU LEAVE BRIAN OUT OF THIS?

HE'S GOT ENOUGH SHIT TO DEAL WITH.

WHAT KIND OF SHIT?

SOME GUY AT WORK IS SUING HIM FOR SEXUAL HARASSMENT.

IT'S REALLY SERIOUS. HE COULD LOSE EVERYTHING.

I KNEW SOME DAY HE'D STICK HIS DICK WHERE IT DIDN'T BELONG.

WELL, WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING.

SUNSHINE, I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYTHING YOU CAN DO.

I'M AFRAID...

BRIAN'S FUCKED THE LAST PERSON HE SHOULD HAVE...

HIMSELF.

I'M SORRY, HONEY.

YOU'RE HIS BEST FRIEND.

YOU SHOULD DO SOMETHING.

I-I WOULD DO SOMETHING IF I COULD.

J-JUST MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

DR. CAMERON, PLEASE.

IT'S MICHAEL.

HEY!

LISTEN, UM, I-I KNOW WE HAD PLANS TONIGHT, BUT, UH,

MY MOM'S GOT THIS... SHE'S NOT FEELING WELL.

SHE'S GOT THIS FLU-COUGH-FEVER-COLD KIND OF A THING,

YEAH, YOU KNOW? AND I THOUGHT I'D, YOU KNOW,

STICK AROUND, AND, UH, KEEP HER COMPANY.

FUCK YOU.

LOOK, I-I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW

THAT I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT THIS. REALLY?

THAT MAKES ME FEEL A LOT BETTER.

UH, I... I HAD NO CHOICE. IF...

IF I DIDN'T DO WHAT YOU WANTED, YOU'D HAVE FIRED ME.

NO, YOU JUST TRIED TO GET AHEAD BY GIVING HEAD,

WHICH, BY THE WAY, YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT.

HUH! WE OBVIOUSLY REMEMBER THINGS VERY DIFFERENTLY.

YEAH!

IREMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED.

IF I COULD PROPOSE SOMETHING...

I'D BE MORE THAN WILLING TO FORGET THE WHOLE THING IF...

YOU'LL SAY YOU'RE SORRY, AND RECONSIDER ME FOR THAT POSITION.

YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE A REAL TALENT FOR PROPOSITIONS.

WOULD YOU MIND NOT STANDING SO CLOSE?

WHY?

YOU WORRIED SOMETHING MIGHT HAPPEN?

LIKE I MIGHT USE MY POSITION OF POWER

TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR TIGHT LITTLE ASSHOLE?

GOD!

GET OUT OF MY OFFICE.

YOU KNOW, I NEVER REALIZED TILL SEEING IT WITH YOU

THAT "A NIGHT AT THE OPERA" WAS SUCH AN EPIC TRAGEDY.

I'M SORRY. IT'S JUST THAT LAST HALLOWEEN,

LINDSAY WENT AS GROUCHO AND I WENT AS HARPO.

WELL, THAT EXPLAINS IT.

OH GOD,

NOTHING PERSONAL, BUT I JUST WISH SHE WAS HERE.

I UNDERSTAND.

MOST OF MY DATES WISH THEY WERE WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

OH, DON'T SAY THAT.

YOU'RE A REAL CATCH. I KNOW.

JUST MY LUCK, LESBIANS FIND ME IRRESISTIBLE.

HOLY SHIT! WHAT?

I GOT YOU ALL EXCITED?

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

TED. M...

MELANIE, H-HI.

UM, THIS IS HEATHER.

MY DATE.

I'M SORRY, I THOUGHT YOU SAID... HE DID.

WE'RE GOING FOR PIZZA. YOU WANT TO DOUBLE?

DOUBLE? YEAH.

THEY'RE NOT REALLY A COUPLE, HEATHER.

I'M A HOMO. AND I'M A LESBO.

OH-H-H.

I THOUGHT FROM THE HUG THAT MAYBE YOU WERE NORMAL.

WE ARE.

WHAT THE HELL'S GOTTEN INTO YOU?

HE'S SEEN THE LIGHT.

WHERE ARE THEY SHINING IT? UP YOUR ASS?

"SEE THE LIGHT" IS HELPING US BUILD A...

HAPPY, HETEROSEXUAL LIFE.

YEAH, WELL WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, WHY DON'T YOU ASK THE WIZARD FOR A BRAIN?

I'M SO GLAD THAT WE AMUSE YOU.

WHO'S AMUSED? I'M OUTRAGED!

JUST IGNORE HER, HEATHER, SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND.

I UNDERSTAND YOU ASSHOLES

ARE SETTING BACK THE GAY RIGHTS MOVEMENT ABOUT 50 YEARS.

COME ON, EMMETT, I DON'T THINK I CARE FOR YOUR FRIENDS.

EMMETT, WAIT.

CAN WE AT LEAST GET TOGETHER SOMETIME?

SURE. UM, IF YOU EVER WANT TO...

SEE THE LIGHT...

COME TO A MEETING.

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE A LITTLE HUNGRY.

A LITTLE?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT WE'D TURN INTO IF WE ATE ALL THAT?

A COUPLE OF FAT, FLABBY FAGS

WHO NOBODY WOULD WANT TO FUCK, EVER.

AH. LET'S DIG IN.

MMM, YOU KNOW WHAT I REMEMBER FROM HIGH SCHOOL?

THE TIME IN BIOLOGY CLASS

WHEN YOU BEAT OFF IN A TEST TUBE FOR YOUR SCIENCE PROJECT?

NO. FOOD.

THERE WAS ALWAYS LOTS OF FOOD AT YOUR HOUSE.

THAT'S AN ITALIAN THING.

AND THERE WAS ALWAYS PLENTY OF BOOZE AT YOUR HOUSE.

YEAH, HUH?

THAT'S AN IRISH THING.

WHAT'S THIS?

"REALITY CHECKLIST"? YEAH, I'VE BEEN...

THINKING OF SIMPLIFYING MY LIFE.

"CLOTHES"?

YOU... YOU CAN CERTAINLY SAVE MONEY ON CLOTHES.

"COSMETICS"?

YEAH, THE FRENCH ANTI-AGING SHIT COSTS $100 A TUBE AND...

I STILL DON'T LOOK 19.

"GOING OUT"? YEAH.

I FIGURED I COULD PROBABLY SURVIVE HITTING THE CLUBS

FIVE TIMES A WEEK INSTEAD OF SIX.

I DON'T KNOW. THAT'S A PRETTY BIG SACRIFICE.

"LOFT"?

YEAH, WELL...

WHAT DO I NEED THIS BIG, EXPENSIVE PLACE FOR, ANYWAY?

THIS IS YOUR HOME.

MAYBE IT WON'T COME TO THAT.

HMM. WELL, IF IT DOES,

I'LL JUST GET A RICH SUGAR DADDY LIKE THE DOC.

HE'S NOT MY SUGAR DADDY.

IF I'M NOT CAREFUL, HE MIGHT NOT EVEN BE MY BOYFRIEND.

WHAT? TROUBLE IN PARADISE?

HE DOESN'T KNOW I'M HERE.

YOU'RE LYING TO HIM ALREADY?

WHAT IS HE AFRAID, I'LL STEAL YOU AWAY FROM HIM?

LAST CHICKEN LEG.

YOU'RE THE CHICKEN HAWK.

I DIDN'T DO WHAT THEY'RE SAYING.

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT I REMEMBER?

SENIOR YEAR WE WERE GOING TO BE IN A BAND.

YOU WERE GOING TO BE THE NEXT ROBERT SMITH.

YEAH, WELL, THAT DREAM DIED REAL FAST.

WE WERE DAMN GOOD.

HEY, DO YOU STILL HAVE THAT GUITAR?

YOU KNOW, THEY OUGHT TO LET WOMEN IN THIS CONTEST.

I'VE GOT A GREAT CHEST.

YEAH, CHEST OF DRAWERS.

OOH!

HEY! DAVID. HI.

SPEAKING OF GREAT CHESTS.

WHERE'S MICHAEL?

HERE. HE'S HERE, ISN'T HE?

I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM.

WELL, HE CALLED AND SAID THAT YOU WERE SICK.

HE DID?

AND HE SAID HE WAS SPENDING THE NIGHT HERE...

TO TAKE CARE OF YOU SO...

I THOUGHT I'D BRING OVER SOME CHICKEN SOUP.

OH, THAT IS SO THOUGHTFUL.

AND JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED.

HEY, YOU'RE THE DOCTOR.

SO YOU'RE NOT SICK?

WELL, DON'T SOUND SO DISAPPOINTED.

SHE HAD A SCRATCHY THROAT BACK IN THE WINTER OF '86.

THANK YOU. YEAH.

OKAY, LET'S GO OVER THE QUESTIONS

THEY'RE GOING TO ASK YOU AT THE HEARING.

NOW? HUH! IF YOU PREFER,

WE CAN WAIT UNTIL THEY BOOT YOUR BUTT OUT OF THE COMPANY.

YES, NOW. CHRIST, YOU ASKED ME TO REPRESENT YOU...

OKAY, FINE.

FIRE AWAY. BUT...

GENTLY.

I SAID GENTLY.

JUSTIN, PLEASE?

SORRY.

HERE, DRINK THIS. IT'S A SECRET RECIPE

THAT MY ALCOHOLIC GRANDMOTHER USED TO MAKE.

JESUS! IT SMELLS LIKE A...

DIRTY JOCKSTRAP.

WELL, IN THAT CASE YOU SHOULD LIKE IT.

THE SECRET IS SHE PISSED IN IT.

I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU.

YOU KNOW I'D DO ANYTHING.

OH, JESUS, LET'S JUST PRAY THE ARBITRATOR'S GAY,

AND THINKS HE'S CUTE.

I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU'D...

IT'S OKAY, NEITHER...

NEITHER DID... I'LL COME BACK LATER.

NO, STAY. I... I WAS JUST HELPING BRIAN WITH...

I KNOW. HE TOLD ME.

LOOK WHO'S HERE, HONEY.

GO ON.

HEY, BUDDY.

MMMM.

HEY, SWEETHEART.

HE MISSES YOU.

LOOK, UM...

WHY DON'T WE GO OVER THIS LATER?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO RUSH OFF BECAUSE OF ME.

I HAVE TO GET TO WORK.

WOULD YOU GET THIS SHIT AWAY FROM ME?

IT'S MY GRANDMOTHER'S RECIPE.

HE'S MAJORLY HUNG.

AND FOR ONCE,

HE'S NOT TALKING ABOUT MY COCK.

OH-H-H. SSSSH.

IT'S OKAY, SONNY-BOY,

YOUR OLD MAN'LL RECOVER.

HE'S NOT CRYING OVER YOU, HE MISSES MELANIE.

WELL, YOU JUST HAD YOUR CHANCE. WHY DIDN'T YOU BEG HER TO COME BACK?

EXCUSE ME?

SHE'S THE ONE WHO CHEATED.

WELL, MAYBE SHE HAD REASON.

SO, NOW YOU'RE TAKING HER SIDE? HUH, THAT'S AMUSING,

AFTER ALL THE YEARS YOU SPENT HATING HER, HUMILIATING HER,

TRYING TO FORCE HER OUT OF OUR LIVES EVERY CHANCE YOU GOT.

WELL, CONGRATULATIONS, YOU FINALLY GOT WHAT YOU WANTED.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT,

BLAME ME.

WHY NOT?

EVERYBODY ELSE DOES.

WELL, MAYBE YOU FINALLY GOT WHAT YOU WANTED.

LOOK,

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GO BACK TO WORK SOONER THAN I THOUGHT,

WHICH MEANS I'LL NEED A SITTER.

I'LL DO IT. I'M GREAT WITH GUS.

OH, I'M SURE. ONLY I NEED SOMEONE FULL-TIME.

HMM.

JUSTIN, WILL YOU GET MY CHEQUE BOOK?

ARE YOU SURE?

I MEAN, WITH WHAT'S GOING ON...

IT'S NOT A PROBLEM.

I SAID I'D LOOK AFTER YOU AND GUS, AND I AM.

THANKS. YEAH.

HEY-Y-Y-YUH.

WHAT?

I KNOW I SMELL BAD.

IT'S VODKA.

SOMETHING WRONG? NO. NOT AT ALL.

EXCEPT, COULD YOU KEEP THE ELEPHANTS FROM RUNNING UP AND DOWN THE STAIRS?

EXCUSE ME?

NOTHING.

YOU GOT IN AT 3:00 LAST NIGHT.

I DID?

YOUR MOTHER MUST'VE BEEN REALLY SICK.

YEAH, WELL YOU KNOW THOSE FLU-COUGH...

FEVER-COLD KIND OF THINGS?

MICHAEL, I KNOW SHE WASN'T SICK

'CAUSE I WENT OVER THERE TO FIND YOU.

OH, SHIT. AND THEN...

I CAUGHT THE LATE SHOW AT WOODY'S.

DOUBLE SHIT.

YOU KNOW, YOU AND BRIAN PLAY PRETTY WELL TOGETHER.

THE TWO OF YOU... WELL I... OF COURSE I SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISED.

I TOLD YOU, BRIAN'S GOING THROUGH A REALLY TOUGH TIME RIGHT NOW.

YEAH, AND I TOLD YOU SOMETHING TOO.

SO IF THIS IS THE WAY IT'S GOING TO BE,

YOU LYING TO ME SO THAT YOU CAN BE WITH HIM...

I THINK WE BETTER RETHINK THINGS.

WHAT THE FUCK'S THE MATTER WITH YOU,

LYING TO DAVID, TELLING HIM I WAS SICK?

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

AND THAT WAS A FIRST. SHUT UP.

ALL RIGHT, I MADE A MISTAKE.

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT YOU DID. AND YOU KEEP THIS UP,

YOU'RE GOING TO BLOW IT, YOU HEAR ME?

I ALREADY SAID I WAS WRONG, OKAY?

IF YOU WANT TO TORTURE SOMEONE, GO TO THE "S AND M" BAR ACROSS THE STREET.

WHAT'S WITH YOU GUYS, ANYWAY?

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A GAY BAR, REMEMBER?

I SAW EMMETT LAST NIGHT, WITH THIS WOMAN.

AT LEAST THAT'S HOW SHE PURPORTED TO REPRESENT HERSELF.

HE REALLY IS GOING STRAIGHT.

AND SO ARE WE.

STRAIGHT TO HELL, ACCORDING TO THEM.

YEAH, BUT DOESN'T HE KNOW THAT EVERY REPUTABLE

PSYCHOLOGICAL STUDY DONE WITHIN THE PAST 25 YEARS

EMPHATICALLY STATES THAT A PERSON'S SEXUAL ORIENTATION

IS DETERMINED BY AGE OF SIX,

SOMETIMES EVEN BEFORE BIRTH,

AND IT'S COMPLETELY UNALTERABLE?

YOU TELL 'EM, SUNSHINE.

A LEOPARD CAN'T CHANGE HIS STRIPES.

EITHER CAN A QUEER.

YOU KNOW,

IT'S A NASTY WORLD OUT THERE.

SO, IF EMMETT HASN'T GOT THE GUTS TO BE GAY,

THEN I SAY FUCK HIM.

YOU KNOW, HE'S STILL OUR FRIEND.

I JUST CAN'T LET HIM GO THAT EASILY.

CAN I GET A STOLI ON THE ROCKS?

HAVEN'T I SEEN YOU BEFORE?

THAT'S ORIGINAL.

AND THE ANSWER IS, "NO, I DON'T THINK SO."

NO. IT WAS THE OTHER NIGHT, AT BABYLON.

I REMEMBER YOU.

WELL, I DON'T REMEMBER YOU.

WORKING LATE, DOC?

CATCHING UP ON SOME PAPERWORK.

SO I HEAR YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.

YEAH, I'VE GOT THIS PAIN IN MY ASS.

MAYBE IT'S FROM OVER-EXERTION.

MAYBE IT'S YOU.

SO HOW CAN I HELP ALLEVIATE YOUR CONDITION?

YOU CAN LAY OFF MIKEY.

WELL, MY PRESCRIPTION FOR THAT

WOULD BE FOR YOU TO MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

HE IS MY BUSINESS.

AND HE'S GOING TO BE MY BUSINESS, LONG AFTER YOU'RE GONE.

I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

ALTHOUGH I DID HEAR THAT YOU MAY BE ON YOUR WAY OUT.

WHO TOLD YOU THAT?

PRACTICALLY EVERYONE,

ALTHOUGH THAT'S NOT OUR CONCERN.

YOUR BETTER HALF THINKS DIFFERENTLY.

I TOLD MY "BETTER HALF" TO STAY OUT OF IT.

BY FORBIDDING HIM TO SEE ME?

YOU KNOW,

THAT'S NOT HOW YOU'RE GOING TO KEEP HIM.

THAT'S HOW YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE HIM.

YOU KNOW, DOC,

YOU ARE GOOD.

THAT PAIN I WAS HAVING IS...

FEELING BETTER ALREADY.

FEEL ANYTHING?

A NUMB, TINGLING SENSATION.

BUT, UH, THEN I REALIZED MY... MY LEG'S ASLEEP.

OH-H.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

UM, JUST A QUEASINESS IN MY STOMACH,

LIKE WHEN YOU EAT A BAD CLAM.

LOOK, WE... WE DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS.

NO! I WANT A SUCCESS STORY.

OH, SO DO I.

UH, MAYBE IF WE, UM...

MAYBE IF WE FANTASIZED.

YOU KNOW, Y-YOU... YOU THINK ABOUT THE PERFECT MAN,

AND I-I'LL THINK ABOUT THE PERFECT WOMAN.

IT'S A CRUTCH, BUT... IF IT HELPS US WALK...

WELL?

KEEP TRYING.

AND?

I THINK I'M STARTING TO FEEL SOMETHING.

ME TOO.

HEY!

AW, IT'S YOU AGAIN.

YOU DON'T GIVE UP, DO YOU?

YOU WANT ME TO?

DID YOU REALLY SEE ME BEFORE?

SURE. YOU WERE WITH THAT GUY, BRIAN.

HOW DO YOU KNOW HIM?

EVERYONE KNOWS BRIAN KINNEY.

HE'S A REAL ASSHOLE.

OH, REALLY? YEAH.

HE'S ALWAYS COMING ON TO YOU,

ACTING LIKE HE LIKES YOU.

REALLY ALL HE CARES ABOUT IS GETTING LAID.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

DID HE BREAK YOUR HEART?

FUCK NO!

I'D NEVER FALL FOR HIS SHIT.

BESIDES, HE'S NOT MY TYPE.

IS HE YOURS?

ARE YOU KIDDING?

SO WHAT IS YOUR TYPE?

YOU CAN DO IT. YOU CAN DO IT.

YOU CAN DO IT!

SO...

HOW WAS IT FOR YOU?

Y-YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T HATE IT.

OH? YOU?

IT WASN'T NEARLY AS DISGUSTING AS I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

HEY! YEAH.

THE FANTASIES REALLY HELPED.

YEAH.

WHO'D YOU USE?

JODIE FOSTER, "ANNA AND THE KING".

AH. YOU?

UH, MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY IN "A TIME TO KILL".

MMM. TOO BAD WE DIDN'T USE "CONTACT",

WE COULD'VE BEEN IN THE SAME MOVIE.

YEAH.

WELL, WE... WE HAVE OUR SUCCESS STORY.

YAY US. HUH.

YOU'RE ONE HOT LITTLE FUCKER.

YOU'RE PRETTY HOT YOURSELF.

O-OH, YEAH.

GO ON, LICK IT.

THAT'S IT.

YOU'RE HOTTER THAN THE GUY I HAD LAST WEEK.

IS THAT SO? MMM-HMM.

HE WANTED TO PUT ME IN SHORT PANTS AND SPANK ME.

I WANT TO DO A LOT MORE THAN THAT.

LIKE WHAT?

LIKE HOW ABOUT I SHOW YOU?

HEY, YOU BETTER HURRY, THOUGH.

WHAT'S THE RUSH?

I'VE GOT A STUPID CURFEW IF YOU CAN BELIEVE IT.

MY PARENTS WANT ME HOME BY MIDNIGHT.

YOU... YOU LIVE WITH YOUR PARENTS?

WHERE ELSE WOULD I LIVE?

I'M 17.

YOU'RE 17?

SO, HOW DO YOU GET INTO BARS?

DUH! LIKE A FAKE I.D.

I DON'T TELL MY DAD THOUGH.

HE GOES TOTALLY PSYCHO.

LIKE HE DID WHEN HE FOUND OUT I WAS GAY.

MMM, YOUR... YOUR DAD WENT PSYCHO?

HE WENT AFTER THE GUY I WAS FUCKING AT THE TIME.

TURNED HIM IN TO THE POLICE.

UH, THE POLICE?

HE'LL BE OUT IN 10 YEARS.

IF HE KNEW I WAS HERE...

NOW, HOW WOULD HE KNOW?

OH. THERE'S NO WAY.

UNLESS I TOLD HIM.

BUT YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT, WOULD YOU?

OF COURSE NOT.

I WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

PROVIDED YOU DO SOMETHING FOR ME.

REMEMBER, LET ME DO THE TALKING.

YEAH. YOU ALWAYS DO.

AND WHEN THE INVESTIGATOR FROM H.R. ASKS YOU SOMETHING,

CONFER WITH ME FIRST. I GOT IT.

LISTEN, HOWEVER THIS PLAYS OUT...

THANKS.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO HELP ME. YOU COULD HAVE SAID "FUCK YOU".

I KNOW.

HERE YOU ARE, I WAS LOOKING FOR YOU.

THIS IS, UH...

MORTY RYDER, MY BOSS.

THIS IS MELANIE MARCUS, MY ATTORNEY.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

LOOK LIBERTY AIR WAS JUST AWARDED A NEW ROUTE INTO LA GUARDIA.

THEY'RE TAKING ON THE MAJORS IN THE NORTHEAST.

SO?

SO, THEY WANT TO GO NATIONAL WITH YOUR CAMPAIGN.

YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO.

WHAT ABOUT THE HEARING?

FORGET ABOUT THE HEARING. THAT MATTER'S BEEN DROPPED.

DROPPED?

WHAT HAPPENED?

DAMNED IF I KNOW, AND WHO THE HELL CARES?

BE IN MY OFFICE IN FIVE MINUTES.

UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE.

JESUS! WHAT ARE YOU, MR. TEFLON?

SHIT JUST NEVER STICKS TO YOU.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO... LIKE, YOU OR EMMETT,

BUT YOU MIGHT LIKE TO JOIN A BOWLING LEAGUE.

JUST THE GUYS.

OH, LOOK, THERE HE IS.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE THIS WASN'T SUCH A GOOD IDEA.

LET'S JUST GET OUT OF HERE.

WELL, THIS IS A SURPRISE.

WELCOME TO "SEE THE LIGHT".

THE WAY SOME OF THESE PEOPLE DRESS,

THEY SHOULD CHANGE IT TO "TURN OFF THE LIGHT".

SO WHAT IS THIS, LIKE, AN INTERVENTION?

YOU'RE GOING TO KIDNAP ME AND THROW ME IN THE BACK OF A VAN?

I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW, I'M NOT GETTING IN ANY VAN.

THERE'S NO VAN.

I DON'T GET A VAN?

YOU'D THINK, AT THE VERY LEAST, YOU COULD RENT A VAN.

LOOK, IT'S JUST US, OKAY?

AND WE CAME HERE TO...

I DON'T KNOW WHY THE FUCK WE'RE HERE BUT, YOU KNOW...

EMMETT, WE... WE TRIED TALKING TO YOU,

WE TRIED REASONING WITH YOU.

WE SENT A PORN STAR.

$1,000. IT'S OKAY. JUST LET IT GO. I KNOW.

COME ON, EVERYONE, LET'S, UH,

FORM OUR CIRCLE OF LIGHT, HMM?

WE JUST...

WE WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT WE STILL LOVE YOU.

MAYBE NOT AS MUCH AS JESUS,

BUT...

ALMOST.

AND THAT WE'RE GOING TO MISS YOU.

ESPECIALLY MISS THE WAY YOU DANCE WITH YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD,

AND YOUR LIZA IMPERSONATION. THAT'S...

THAT'S THE WAY I'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU.

THANKS.

I DON'T THINK GOD APPRECIATES IT QUITE AS MUCH AS YOU DO.

OH, I THINK GOD APPRECIATES IT EVEN MORE...

BECAUSE HE CREATED YOU IN HIS IMAGE.

AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT I WAS ALWAYS TAUGHT.

AND SINCE GOD IS LOVE AND...

GOD DOESN'T MAKE MISTAKES, THEN...

YOU MUST BE EXACTLY...

THE WAY HE WANTS YOU TO BE,

THE WAY HE INTENDED YOU TO BE.

AND THAT GOES FOR EVERY PERSON, EVERY...

PLANET, EVERY MOUNTAIN, EVERY...

GRAIN OF SAND, EVERY SONG...

EVERY TEAR...

AND EVERY FAGGOT.

WE'RE ALL HIS, EMMETT.

HE LOVES US ALL.

GOODBYE, EM.

WE'RE ABOUT TO GET STARTED.

I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE IT'S REJUVENATED,

IT'S A NEW WEEK.

COME INTO OUR CIRCLE OF LIGHT, HMM?

WE LIKE TO START EVERY MEETING WITH A SUCCESS STORY.

AND TONIGHT I JUST FEEL THAT EMMETT AND HEATHER

HAVE A SUCCESS STORY,

DON'T YOU? HMMM? GREAT! LET'S HEAR IT.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE CAREFUL WITH THOSE, HUH?

YEAH, THEY'RE PRETTY VALUABLE, SO YOU GOT TO PROTECT THEM FROM THE LIGHT.

UH, YOU MUST BE STILL MAD AT ME, HUH?

NO.

I'M NOT MAD AT YOU.

WELL, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I'M SORRY THAT I LIED.

I'M SORRY TOO.

I... SOMETIMES I GET, UH...

I GUESS I-I JUST GET A LITTLE WORKED UP

OVER, UH...

BRIAN?

OVER BRIAN.

I'VE KNOWN HIM PRACTICALLY MY ENTIRE LIFE.

I... I CAN'T JUST STOP SEEING HIM.

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO.

YOU SHOULD FEEL FREE TO SEE WHOEVER YOU WANT TO SEE.

AFTER ALL, THIS IS A RELATIONSHIP,

IT'S NOT A MAXIMUM SECURITY LOCK-UP.

SO YOU AND BRIAN GETTING THE BAND BACK TOGETHER?

NO, I'M THINK THE BACKSTREET BOYS HAVE USURPED OUR FORMER GLORY.

HEY.

YOU WANT TO GO OUT TONIGHT?

WELL, SURE.

YOU GO.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT YOU? NO.

I'M NOT IN THE MOOD. I'LL STAY HERE.

YOU GO. YOU DANCE.

AND YOU TORTURE ALL THOSE BOYS

WITH YOUR SCULPTED TORSO.

AND THEN YOU COME HOME TO ME.

I THINK I HAVE A BETTER IDEA.

A COSMOPOLITAN. HOW COSMOPOLITAN.

EMMETT USED TO SAY, "IN PITTSBURGH,

IT'S AS CLOSE AS YOU CAN GET."

I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU'RE GOING TO MISS HIM.

ACTUALLY, YOU DON'T...

BUT, UH, I APPRECIATE THE SENTIMENT.

HOW ABOUT A DANCE?

NAH, IT'D JUST REMIND ME OF HIM.

ANOTHER DRINK?

I'D START TO CRY.

YOU'RE LOSING YOUR SHIRT.

YOU ALMOST LOST YOURS. AH, YEAH.

I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHY HE DROPPED THE SUIT.

IT'S A MYSTERY.

I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE TO BE MORE CAREFUL WHO I FUCK.

LUCKY FOR YOU, I TURN 18
TOMORROW.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?

WHAT ABOUT A NICE, STIFF DICK?

NOW YOU'RE STARTING TO SOUND LIKE HIM.

I'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW HE USED TO SAY,

"IT'S JUST NOT SEX WITHOUT...

WITHOUT SOMETHING UP YOUR BUTT.

OH NO, NOW YOU'VE COME TO BABYLON TO PROSELYTIZE.

THAT'S NOT WHY WE'RE HERE.

WE'VE SEEN THE LIGHT.

WE KNOW! WE KNOW!

A DIFFERENT LIGHT.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR SUCCESS STORY?

OH, WE'RE A SUCCESS STORY.

OH? WE SHARED IT WITH THE GROUP.

MMM-HMMM. I TOLD THEM,

SOME OF US ARE MEANT TO EAT PUSSY,

AND SOME OF US ARE MEANT TO SUCK COCK.

BUT EITHER WAY...

GOD LOVES US.

THEY AGREED THAT GOD LOVES US. MMMM.

AND THEN THEY TOLD US TO GET THE FUCK OUT.

THEN YOU'RE REALLY BACK?

HONEY, MY FLAME HAS BEEN REKINDLED,

AND IS BURNING BRIGHTER THAN EVER.

MMM-WAH!

OH! OH, SORRY.

SORRY. I'M NOT.

COME ON, YOU.

AH-H! DO YOU FEEL THAT GAY THUMP-THUMP?

GOD, I MISSED THAT!