Queer as Folk (2000–2005): Season 1, Episode 14 - Very Stupid People - full transcript

BRIAN!

OKAY, BOYS.

YOU'VE GOT 15 MINUTES.

WHAT'VE YOU GOT FOR ME?

THE SCHULMANN SHOE LAYOUT.

YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE IT.

I'LL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT.

SORRY.

YOU LOOKING FOR SOMEONE?

YEAH. THE SCHULMANN SHOE MEETING.

MR. RYDER SAID I SHOULD SIT IN,



LEARN A THING OR TWO, HE SAID.

WELL, BRIAN IS THE BEST.

THE BEST.

THANKS, BRAD.

UH, I-I'M BOB.

I'M BRAD.

I'M KIP THOMAS.

I JUST STARTED HERE.

WELL, SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, KIP THOMAS.

THE BOYS ARE ABOUT TO PUT ON A SHOW.

SO...

HOW DO WE MAKE THIS FUCKING UGLY SHOE EXCITING?

THE SAME WAY WE MADE THOSE FUCKING UGLY RAINCOATS

EXCITING LAST MAY. MODELS.



BY TAKING YOUR EYE OFF THIS SHOE...

AND PUTTING IT ON THIS FACE.

YEAH, BUT T-THE TROUBLE IS THAT WE'RE NOT SELLING THIS FACE.

WE'RE SELLING THIS HIDEOUS SHOE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

UH, I LIKE IT. IT'S, UM...

IT'S REALLY GOOD.

ONLY...

ONLY? ONLY?

WELL, WHY TRY AND HIDE WHAT THE PRODUCT IS?

GO ON.

I'D JUST PHOTOGRAPH THE SHOE.

WITH MAYBE A... A THOUGHT BUBBLE

SAYING SOMETHING LIKE, UH...

"I'M NOT HIP...

I'M A CLASSIC."

BRIAN, MAY WE CONTINUE, PLEASE?

NO, YOU MAY NOT.

"I'M NOT HIP, I'M A CLASSIC."

YOU'VE GIVEN IT PERSONALITY,

WITH HUMOUR, AND RETAINED ITS SOCALLED DIGNITY.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HERE?

UH, TWO MONTHS.

YOU KNOW, THEY'VE BEEN WORKING HERE FOR TWO YEARS.

DRAW IT UP.

ME?

HIM? HIM?

HIM.

THE BOYS'LL HELP YOU OUT.

WON'T YOU, BOYS?

YOU KNOW, I JUST HAVE TO SAY THAT A YEAR AGO

I DON'T THINK ANY OF US WOULD HAVE DREAMED THAT WE'D BE...

SITTING HERE PREGNANT. I MEAN, IT'S...

REALLY HAPPENED.

THANKS TO TWO TRUE TRAILBLAZING PIONEERS,

MELANIE AND LINDSAY.

NOW YOU'RE ROLE MODELS.

FOR US ALL. THANK YOU.

I WISH THEY'D ALL LEAVE.

SHH, YOU DON'T WANT THEM TO HEAR YOU.

I DON'T CARE IF THEY DO. WHY DID WE GO THROUGH WITH THIS?

WE PLANNED IT FOR MONTHS.

WE COULDN'T DISAPPOINT FRANNY AND ZOE,

HOW WOULD THEY FEEL?

HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?

LIKE A LIAR AND A FOOL.

CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS LATER?

SURE, HONEY, LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE.

I'M GOING TO GO SPIKE THE PUNCH.

OH, IT'S SO CUTE.

FRANNY'S SO CUTE AND TINY.

CHRIST, I HATE CUTE AND TINY.

OH, GOD.

YOU'RE PROBABLY HER BEST FRIEND.

SINCE HIGH SCHOOL.

OH, FUCK.

I'LL DRINK TO THAT.

DON'T WORRY ANYWAYS,

I HATE CUTE AND TINY, TOO.

BABY LEATHER JACKET, AH!

THAT IS SO ADORABLE!

OH, CHRIST, I WOULD JUST KILL

FOR A CIGARETTE RIGHT ABOUT NOW. MMM.

ALL THIS BABY BUSINESS IS JUST MAKING ME A LITTLE CRAZY.

WHY, BECAUSE YOU WANT ONE?

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT ONE.

DON'T GET ME WRONG, I LIKE KIDS.

OTHER PEOPLE'S KIDS.

FOR ABOUT 10 MINUTES.

I'M MORE OF A CAREER DYKE MYSELF.

I USED TO SAY THE SAME THING.

THAT WAS UNTIL WE HAD OUR SON.

HMMM. I'M MELANIE MARCUS.

YEAH, I KNOW. THE ROLE MODEL.

I'M MARIANNE MacDONALD. DEFINITELY NOT A ROLE MODEL.

WELL, GOOD FOR YOU.

THOUGH, I SUPPOSE YOU COULD SAY I AM "PC".

THAT IS, IF "PC" STANDS FOR...

"PERFORMS CUNNILINGUS".

OH, GOD, YOU'RE WICKED.

THANK YOU.

SO...

YOU WANT TO SNEAK OUTSIDE FOR A SMOKE WITH ME?

P-TOWN PARTY'S COMING UP, BOYS.

I'LL MAKE THE RESERVATIONS, AS USUAL.

FOR THE THREE OF US.

THREE OF US?

YEAH, ME AND EMMETT AND TED.

OH, WE NEED SOMEONE OLDER TO CHAPERONE.

WHAT SPARKLING WIT. I LIVE FOR YOUR REPARTEE.

AND WHAT ABOUT ME?

YOU CAN'T GO. WHY NOT?

YOU'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP.

OR HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN?

NO MORE FUN FOR YO-OU.

OH. DAVID SAID I COULD GO,

AS LONG AS I BEHAVE MYSELF.

WELL THEN, WHAT'S THE POINT OF GOING?

JUST MEANS MORE MEN FOR ME AND EM.

RIGHT, EM?

HUH?

OH, YEAH, YEAH.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

HE'S GOT RAZOR-BURN ON HIS BALLS.

I'M FINE.

I'M FINE.

WELL THEN GET YOUR ASS ON THE DANCE FLOOR.

YOU'RE COMING? OR DO WE HAVE TO CARRY YOU?

I JUST, UH, I-I JUST WANT TO FINISH MY DRINK.

H-HI, IT'S EMMETT.

HELP!

THEY'RE MAKING PLANS TO GO TO P-TOWN.

AND I-I... WANT TO GO.

UH, ALL THOSE MEN...

ALL THOSE DRUGS.

SORRY.

AND THAT'S NOT THE WORST OF IT.

TODAY I ALMOST SOLD THE WATCH MY GRANDFATHER GAVE ME

ON HIS DEATHBED...

TO BUY A TICKET FOR...

BARBRA'S ABSOLUTELY FINAL FAREWELL, I-SWEAR-TO-GOD

THIS-IS-IT CONCERT. I MEAN,

I CAN BARELY SURVIVE ON MY WEEK'S SALARY

AND I-I'M GOING TO HELP FILL MRS. BROLIN'S COFFER?

SICK.

I'M SICK.

BUT THERE'S A CURE.

THAT'S WHY YOU CAME TO "SEE THE LIGHT".

BELIEVE ME, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

I'VE BEEN THERE.

LOOK AT THIS.

WHAT DO YOU SEE?

A PICTURE OF A DRAG QUEEN.

OR YOUR MOTHER.

THAT WAS ME.

NO-O-O! COME ON!

BUT YOU'RE SO...

STRAIGHT? THANK YOU.

I KEEP THIS PHOTO AS A REMINDER OF MY FORMER LIFE.

BUT EVEN THEN, I KNEW UNDER ALL THOSE WIGS

AND THOSE FABULOUS GOWNS,

THERE WAS A CONSERVATIVE, REPUBLICAN COMPUTER ANALYST DYING TO BE FREE.

THAT'S WHAT "SEE THE LIGHT" DID FOR ME.

AND IT CAN DO THE SAME FOR YOU,

IF YOU'RE SERIOUS. I AM.

I AM SERIOUS. I SWEAR TO GOD.

GOOD. BUT DON'T FOOL YOURSELF.

IT WON'T BE EASY.

AT SOME POINT YOU MAY EVEN HAVE TO EXTRICATE YOURSELF FROM...

CERTAIN CORRUPT INFLUENCES.

YOU MEAN MY FRIENDS?

ARE THEY REALLY YOUR FRIENDS

IF THEY LEAD YOU INTO TEMPTATION?

WELL, THEY NEVER DO IT DELIBERATELY.

EMMETT, IF YOU SEE THE LIGHT

YOU MUSTN'T ALLOW ANYTHING OR ANYONE

TO DIVERT YOU FROM THE PATH.

THANK YOU, MATT, FOR YOUR SUPPORT.

HEY, THAT'S WHY I'M HERE,

TO MAKE SURE YOU DON'T SLIP.

BRIAN.

YOU CEO OF THE COMPANY YET?

AH, GIVE ME A WEEK OR TWO.

SO, MR. RYDER TOLD ME YOU'RE REALLY GOING TO USE MY IDEAS FOR THE SHOE ADS.

I'LL STEAL ANYTHING GOOD AND PUT MY NAME ON IT.

THAT'S GREAT. ALTHOUGH BOB AND BRAD AREN'T TOO HAPPY ABOUT IT.

WELL, PEOPLE WITH NO TALENT USUALLY AREN'T

WHEN SOMEONE WITH REAL TALENT COMES ALONG.

YEAH, I HEAR YOU'RE PRETTY TALENTED YOURSELF.

IN FACT, YOU HAVE A REPUTATION.

I DO?

FOR BEING THE BEST ACCOUNT EXEC IN THE COMPANY.

YEAH. THAT TOO.

AND THAT'S WHY I ASKED IF I COULD WORK WITH YOU.

I THOUGHT RYDER ASSIGNED YOU.

YEAH. I, UH...

LIED.

COME HERE FOR A SECOND, I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

THIS IS A NEW CAMPAIGN WE'RE STARTING FOR LIBERTY AIR.

I WANT YOU ON THE TEAM.

OH, MY GOD. THAT'S... TH-THAT'S... FANTASTIC!

WOW.

HOW CAN I EVER THANK YOU?

BY DOING A GOOD JOB.

YOU CAN COUNT ON IT.

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU CAN...

YOU CAN COUNT ON ME FOR ANYTHING.

DAY OR NIGHT.

WELL, YOU REALLY ARE GOING FOR THE GOLD WATCH.

I MEAN IT.

BECAUSE I THINK YOU'RE REALLY...

REALLY AMAZING.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

SHIT.

I'M SORRY, UM...

I DIDN'T MEAN TO, UH...

LOOK, I-I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING.

YEAH, WELL... WHATEVER IT WAS,

YOU THOUGHT WRONG.

BECAUSE... I'M THE ONE...

WHO MAKES THE FIRST MOVE.

YOU FUCKED HIM IN YOUR OFFICE?

HE WAS THE BEST THING TO COME ACROSS MY DESK IN A LONG TIME.

YOU'RE UNBELIEVABLE.

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.

I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT. DON'T TELL ME

NO ONE'S EVER HAD A "BIG O" AT THE BIG Q.

I WOULDN'T KNOW. WELL, I WOULD. FROM FIRST-HAND,

AND I MEAN, "FIRST-HAND" EXPERIENCE.

ARE YOU SAYING...

YOU REMEMBER LAST CHRISTMAS WHEN I CAME TO PICK YOU UP

AND YOU WERE SETTING UP FOR SANTA'S WORKSHOP?

NOT SANTA, DON'T TELL ME YOU FUCKED SANTA!

AH, EVEN I WOULDN'T DO THAT.

I'M NOT INTO FAT.

HIS ELF.

YOU DIDN'T!

WHAT HE LACKED IN FEET HE MADE UP FOR IN INCHES.

I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

BUT YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL.

I MEAN, DOING IT IN YOUR OFFICE MAY BE A LITTLE TOO HIGH-RISK,

EVEN FOR YOU.

BUT HE ASKED FOR IT, HE CAME ON TO ME.

I GAVE HIM A GREAT OPPORTUNITY,

AND A GREAT FUCK.

HE HAS NO COMPLAINTS.

WELL, IT WAS OUR PLEASURE, FRANNY.

YEAH, WE HAD FUN TOO.

SO, I GUESS IT'S ANY DAY NOW.

WELL WHEN IT HAPPENS, DON'T WORRY. WE'LL BE THERE, OKAY?

LOVE TO ZOE.

AND MEL SENDS HER LOVE TOO.

OKAY. BYE!

FRANNY AND ZOE SEND THEIR LOVE. THAT'S NICE.

THEY REALLY APPRECIATED THE SHOWER

AND THEY REALLY LIKED THE MOBILE I MADE FOR OVER THE CRIB.

DON'T YOU EVER GET TIRED OF BEING CHEERY?

YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

WELL, I'M TIRED. I'M TIRED OF PUTTING IN THESE EXTRA HOURS

SO YOU CAN BE WITH THE BABY, SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO,

BE WITH THE BABY? IT'S NOT JUST FOR ME.

I WISH YOU'D STOP SAYING THAT. IT'S SO GUS...

CAN BE RAISED BY ONE OF HIS MOMMIES INSTEAD OF A STRANGER.

NOW CAN I PLEASE JUST GET BACK TO WORK?

NOT UNTIL YOU APOLOGIZE FOR THE WAY YOU BEHAVED AT THE SHOWER.

HOW DID I BEHAVE?

YOU WERE RUDE.

CRITICAL, HALF THE TIME YOU WEREN'T EVEN THERE.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR BEHAVIOUR? SMILING AND GRACIOUS AS EVER,

AS IF NOTHING'S WRONG.

OH, PLENTY IS WRONG.

WE JUST DON'T HAVE TO SHARE IT WITH OUR FRIENDS.

WELL, MAYBE WE SHOULD.

MAYBE OUR FRIENDS SHOULD KNOW THAT THEIR ROLE MODELS

AREN'T SO PERFECT AFTER ALL.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

FOR A SMOKE.

"SHAVING RYAN'S PRIVATES", "GOOD DICK HUNTING",

"AS BIG AS IT GETS".

IT DID GET BIG.

GONE!

OH, "FATAL ERECTION". FILM CLASSIC.

I DON'T SUPPOSE IT WOULD DO ANY HARM TO...

NO. GONE.

STERLING SILVER COCK RING.

LOOKED FABULOUS ON.

BUT IT DID REQUIRE A LOT OF POLISHING, SO...

GONE!

HI, EM!

OH, HI.

I JUST CAME BY TO GET THE MAIL.

AH, IT'S RIGHT THERE.

AND WANTED TO SEE IF YOU WANTED TO GRAB A BITE TO...

WHAT'RE YOU DOING?

SPRING CLEANING.

IT'S DECEMBER.

YEAH, I-I'M JUST... I'M DONATING SOME THINGS TO THE HOMELESS

SO...

BLACK LEATHER CHAPS, PORN TAPES,

AND A DOUBLEHEADED DILDO.

WELL, YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE

SOME LUCKY BAG LADY VERY HAPPY.

ALL RIGHT, UH, MIGHT AS WELL BE STRAIGHT WITH YOU.

STRAIGHT. STRAIGHT.

IT'S NOT IMPOSSIBLE, YOU KNOW.

LOOK, I-I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE MY FRIENDS,

AND YOU'LL SUPPORT ME IN ANYTHING I CHOOSE TO DO.

OF COURSE.

WEREN'T WE THERE TO CHEER YOU ON

WHEN YOU PAINTED YOUR TOENAILS MAGENTA?

I'VE DECIDED THAT I NEED TO EXPLORE THE PART OF ME THAT ISN'T GAY.

AND WHAT PART, PRAY TELL, WOULD THAT BE?

SO, UM, I'M, UH... I'VE JOINED THIS GROUP, "SEE THE LIGHT".

OH, SHIT.

A-AND THEY'RE GOING TO HELP ME FIND MY WAY BACK TO MY TRUE SELF.

WHO YOU ARE IS YOUR TRUE SELF.

NO, T-THIS IS WHO I'VE ALLOWED MYSELF TO BECOME.

THAT'S BULLSHIT!

THEY SAID YOU MIGHT REACT BADLY.

YEAH, WHAT ELSE DIDTHEYSAY?

THAT I COULD BE THE PERSON GOD WANTS ME TO BE.

JESUS, EMMETT, THEY'RE BRAINWASHING YOU.

NO, THEY'RE NOT. TH-THEY'RE... THEY'RE VERY... VERY NICE PEOPLE.

YEAH, WHO JUST HAPPEN TO WANT EVERY GAY PERSON ON EARTH ANNIHILATED.

THEY HAVEN'T OFFERED YOU ANY KOOL-AID YET, HAVE THEY?

YOU KNOW, I REALLY DON'T APPRECIATE BEING MOCKED.

THAT'S THE NAPKIN THAT LIZA AUTOGRAPHED TO YOU.

GONE.

THIS IS ALL MY FAULT.

I'M THE ONE WHO BEGGED HIM TO COME WITH ME FOR MY HIV TEST.

IF HE HADN'T HAD THAT SCARE, THIS NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED.

YOU'RE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM LOSING HIS MIND.

MAYBE ALL HE NEEDS IS ONE GOOD FUCK

AND HE'LL FORGET ALL ABOUT THIS.

LOOK AT THIS.

ZACK O'TOOL IS IN A PLAY.

THE PORN STAR?

I HAVE HIS ENTIRE OEUVREON DVD.

I DIDN'T KNOW HE COULD TALK.

I WONDER WHAT KIND OF PLAY IT IS.

WELL WHAT KIND OF PLAY DO YOU THINK SOMETHING

CALLED "TWELVE HORNY MEN" IS?

WHY DON'T WE FIND OUT?

THAT FEELS SO GOOD.

THERE ARE TIMES I WOULD DO ANYTHING

FOR A CIGARETTE.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW.

SO, WHY DON'T YOU INDULGE YOURSELF

WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE IT?

AH, I GAVE UP SMOKING WHEN THE BABY CAME.

LINDSAY WAS CONCERNED ABOUT SECONDHAND SMOKE AND...

SHE'S RIGHT. IS LINDSAY ONE OF THESE PEOPLE

WHO IS ALWAYS INFURIATINGLY RIGHT?

ABOUT ALMOST EVERYTHING, DAMN HER.

IT'S JUST THAT YOU WERE SUCH A RELIEF,

I MEAN, AT THE SHOWER

EVERYONE TALKING BABIES, BREATHING BABIES.

YES, IT WAS A BIT OPPRESSIVE.

I MEAN, DON'T GET ME WRONG. I LOVE MY SON.

BUT SOMETIMES... SOMETIMES,

YOU JUST NEED SOMETHING ELSE.

DO YOU MIND IF I BUM ANOTHER?

HAVE THE WHOLE PACK.

NO, THAT'S OKAY, ONE'LL DO.

THANK YOU.

"M.M."? YEAH.

YOU, ME AND MARILYN MONROE.

WE ALL HAVE THE SAME INITIALS.

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK IT MEANS?

JESUS, THAT TWO OUT OF THREE OF US ARE DYKES.

YOU KNOW, I ACTUALLY HEARD...

NO, STOP. OH GOD!

I'M SERIOUS.

WELL, I THINK THAT THIS IS FATE.

JUST WHEN YOU NEEDED SOMEONE

TO TELL YOUR TROUBLES TO.

NOT THAT YOU HAVE TO TELL ME,

CONSIDERING I AM YOUR NEW BEST FRIEND

AND WEED PUSHER.

LOOK, EVERYONE HAS THEIR, UH...

YEAH, I KNOW.

AND WAIT TILL YOU GET A LOAD OF MINE.

BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW SOMETHING.

THAT WHATEVER'S SAID HERE AT THIS TABLE

DOESN'T GO ANY FURTHER.

GIRL SCOUT'S HONOUR.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN ME?

I DON'T DO DATES.

IT'S NOT A DATE.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW IF YOU WANT TO COME TO BABYLON WITH ME.

THE ANSWER'S NO.

I HAVE WORK TO DO.

SINCE WHEN HAS THAT EVER STOPPED YOU?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE STUDYING FOR YOUR S.A.T.s.

DANCING HELPS ME CONCENTRATE.

SERIOUSLY.

HEY, IT RELEASES CERTAIN ENDORPHINS

SO THAT I CAN STUDY...

HARDER AND FOR LONGER PERIODS OF TIME.

HMM, SO BABYLON IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH.

MMM-HMM. YEAH, THAT'S A NEW ONE.

I'LL GET IT.

I'LL GET IT.

YEAH?

Hey, it's Kip.

WHO? IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

KIP? AND IT IS BUSINESS,

BELIEVE IT OR NOT.

I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO DANCE WITH.

IT SHOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM.

AND THEN YOU CAN STUDY...

LONGER AND HARDER.

HEY.

YOU HAVE ANY TROUBLE FINDING IT?

NO, YOUR DIRECTIONS WERE PERFECT.

GOOD, YOU BROUGHT YOUR WORK.

MAN, THIS IS AWESOME.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOMETHING TO DRINK?

YEAH, YOU GOT A BEER? YEAH.

SO, IF YOU DON'T MIND MY ASKING,

HOW MUCH DOES A PLACE LIKE THIS COST?

MORE THAN YOU CAN AFFORD ON YOUR CURRENT SALARY.

YEAH, BUT NOT FOR LONG.

YEAH.

I'M SURE YOU'RE GOING TO GO FAR.

YOU MIND IF I TAKE A LOOK AROUND?

GO AHEAD.

I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.

SO...

WHY DON'T WE, UH...

GET...

STARTED?

THAT'S JUST WHAT I HAD IN MIND.

WE'VE BEEN LOCKED IN THIS JURY ROOM FOR THREE DAYS.

THREE DAYS TRYING TO REACH A VERDICT.

THREE DAYS WITH NO HUMAN CONTACT.

THREE DAYS BREATHING THE AIR IN HERE,

THICK WITH THE SMELL OF MAN-STENCH.

SPEAKING OF STENCH,

YOU EVER HEARD SUCH DIALOGUE?

SHH, IT'S BRILLIANT.

WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY

TO BREAK THIS DEADLOCK.

AH-H-H!

OO-OH-H-H!

WOW!

THIS MUST BE HOW THEY REACHED THE VERDICT IN THE O.J. TRIAL.

THAT'S WHAT I CALL A HUNG JURY.

BRAVO!

UH... UH... THAT WAS A VERY INTERESTING PLAY.

TO ME IT CHALLENGES THE VERY NATURE OF OUR LEGAL SYSTEM AND ASKS,

"IS IT IN FACT POSSIBLE TO RECEIVE A FAIR TRIAL?"

OH, I'D SAY OUR JUDICIAL BRANCH IS IN FINE SHAPE.

SO, WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO SIGN YOUR PROGRAMMES?

UH, ACTUALLY, UH, MR. O'TOOL?

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ACTUALLY TALKING TO ZACK O'TOOL.

WE WERE WONDERING IF YOU EVER DID PERSONAL APPEARANCES?

I'M CUTTING THE RIBBON AT A NEW "BED, BONDAGE AND BEYOND" ON SATURDAY.

UH, NO, WE... WE MEANT MORE...

PERSONAL... APPEARANCES.

YOU SEE, A... A... VERY GOOD FRIEND OF OURS

IS HAVING CERTAIN DOUBTS ABOUT HIMSELF

AND SINCE YOU ARE HIS VERY FAVOURITE,

FAVOURITE PORN STAR,

WE THOUGHT A VISIT FROM YOU MIGHT...

TELL HIM TO COME SEE MY SHOW.

OR WAIT TILL NEXT MONTH,

I'M MAKING MY SHAKESPEAREAN DEBUT AS "CORIOL-ANUS".

OO-OO-OH!

W-WELL IT MIGHT BE TOO LATE BY THEN.

HE NEEDS YOU NOW.

WE'LL PAY, $1,000.

ARE YOU OUT

OF YOUR FUCKING MIND? NO, BUT EMMETT IS.

WELL?

MEL?

SORRY TO WAKE YOU.

YOU LEFT SO ANGRY.

WHAT TIME IS IT?

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

NOWHERE.

OUT. NOT TO TELL ME WHERE YOU'RE GOING, OR EVEN CALL?

WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENED TO GUS AND I NEEDED YOU?

I TOLD YOU I WENT FOR A CIGARETTE.

ALL NIGHT?

AREN'T I ALLOWED ANY TIME TO MYSELF?

OF COURSE YOU ARE.

I WAS JUST WORRIED.

HEY.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

ARE YOU OKAY?

I'M FINE.

I'M GOING TO GO SLEEP IN THE GUEST ROOM.

OH MY GOD!

YOU'RE ZACK O'TOOL.

I'M LOOKING FOR EMMETT HONEYCUTT.

OKAY, THAT... THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

AND WHY IS THAT?

BECAUSE THAT'S ME.

WELL, I HEARD YOU'RE ONE OF MY BIGGEST FANS.

SO I THOUGHT I'D STOP BY AND SEE JUST...

HOW BIG.

I-I KNOW EVERY INCH OF YOU.

I-I MEAN...

I MEAN I... I... I KNOW YOU INSIDE AND...

OUT. UH... I MEAN...

MIND IF I COME IN?

NO. NO.

MAKE, UH, M-M-MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE.

YOU KNOW HOW P-PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY HOW MUCH SMALLER

M-MOVIE STARS SEEM WHEN YOU S-SEE THEM IN REAL LIFE?

WELL, YOU'RE... YOU'RE A-ACTUALLY...

NOT.

IN FACT, UM, YOU LOOK JUST LIKE YOU DID IN THAT, UH,

SCENE IN... IN "HUNG... HUNG LIKE A HORSE"

WHERE YOU RAPE THE TWO STABLE BOYS?

YEAH, ONE OF MY FAVOURITES.

OH, UH, YOU KNOW WHAT ONE I-I REALLY LIKE

IS THAT, UH, SCENE IN "EATING OUT",

WHEN YOU RAPE THE TWO BUSBOYS.

I'M HORNY.

I NEED SOME RELEASE.

OH, MY GOD.

THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAY IN "DEEP END, PART 2"

WHEN YOU RAPE THE TWO POOL BOYS.

I GOT THE GOLDEN DILDO FOR BEST ACTOR IN THAT ONE.

UH, I KNOW.

AND IT WAS SO DESERVED.

EMMETT...

HOW'D YOU LIKE TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH MY...

BUDDY HERE.

ME?

BLOW ZACK O'TOOL?

I HAVE DREAMT ABOUT THIS MOMENT ALL MY LIFE.

WELL, HE'S WAITING FOR YOU.

HEY, HOW'S IT GOING? I'VE GOT A MEETING

OUTSIDE THE OFFICE IN 20 MINUTES.

I HOPE IT'S NOT LIKE OUR MEETING OUTSIDE THE OFFICE.

WHAT?

OH.

SO WHEN DO YOU WANT TO GET TOGETHER?

ASK CYNTHIA TO CHECK MY SCHEDULE,

MAYBE AFTER THE SCHULMANN MEETING.

I MEANT FOR DINNER.

I DON'T KNOW. I'M LATE.

LISTEN, BEFORE YOU GO, THERE'S SOMETHING

I WANT TO ASK YOU.

YOU HAVE 30 SECONDS.

DAVE HARCOURT'S BEING BUMPED UP TO DIRECTOR,

WHICH MEANS HIS MANAGER POSITION'S GOING TO BE AVAILABLE.

I'D LIKE TO GO UP FOR IT.

AND I'D LIKE YOU TO RECOMMEND ME.

I THINK I'D BE DAMN GOOD.

I THINK YOU WOULD BE, TOO.

THANKS. BUT NOT YET.

WHY NOT? IT'S TOO SOON.

THEN WHY DO YOU KEEP TELLING ME HOW GREAT MY IDEAS ARE?

THEY ARE, BUT YOU STILL HAVE A LOT TO LEARN.

I CAN LEARN ON THE JOB.

I ADMIRE YOUR AMBITION,

BUT YOU NEED THE EXPERIENCE TO BACK IT UP.

GIVE IT TIME. I DON'T HAVE TIME.

BY THEN THEY'LL HAVE GIVEN IT TO SOMEONE ELSE.

LOOK, I KNOW I'D BE PERFECT.

I TOLD YOU.

YOU'RE NOT READY.

ANOTHER BOY.

NO ONE IN THE GROUP'S HAD A GIRL YET.

I KNOW TWO GUYS, HARRY AND SAM,

THEY JUST HAD A LITTLE GIRL.

AW-W-W.

I'M LINDSAY. MARIANNE.

UH, I WAS AT THE SHOWER.

THAT'S RIGHT.

YEAH. HUH.

YEAH. YOU KNOW, YOU TWO REALLY HAVE A BEAUTIFUL HOME,

AND A BEAUTIFUL SON.

HELL, YOU'VE GOT A BEAUTIFUL LIFE.

I HOPE YOU TWO TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER,

YOU KNOW, PROTECT WHAT YOU'VE GOT.

YOU DON'T WANT TO LOSE IT.

FRANNY AND ZOE HAD A BOY.

HIS NAME'S HOLDEN.

THERE YOU ARE, MEL.

COME LOOK AT GUS' NEW BEST FRIEND.

YEAH.

HE'S, UH, GORGEOUS.

ISN'T IT LIKE DEJA VU?

I MEAN, IT WASN'T THAT LONG AGO

THAT YOU AND LINZ WERE RIGHT HERE.

I REMEMBER HOW RADIANT YOU TWO LOOKED.

YOU TWO LOOK THE SAME WAY.

WOULD YOU GUYS EXCUSE ME?

MEL?

WE WERE RADIANT, WEREN'T WE?

WHEN WE WERE HERE, WHEN WE HAD GUS,

WE WERE SO HAPPY.

YEAH, IT WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MOMENT OF MY LIFE.

OUR LIVES.

SO HOW DID IT GET TO THIS?

TO WHAT? TO WHERE WE ARE.

WE HAVE OUR PROBLEMS, BUT...

NO, THEY'RE JUST NOT PROBLEMS.

EVERYTHING'S WRONG.

NOT EVERYTHING.

LOOK, I'VE BEEN THINKING.

IF IT WOULD HELP TO TALK TO SOMEONE,

THEN THAT'S WHAT WE SHOULD DO, LIKE YOU SAID.

SOMETHING HAPPENED.

WHAT?

SOMETHING...

HAPPENED. I-I DIDN'T MEAN FOR IT TO...

BUT IT DID.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHAT DO YOU...

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU...

YOU...

WHO WAS IT?

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

THE NURSE HAS COME TO GET THE BABY.

YOU ONLY HAVE A FEW MORE MINUTES.

I'M SORRY, LINZ.

Y-YOU HOOKED EMMETT UP WITH ZACK O'TOOL?

I WISH I COULD'VE BEEN THERE TO SEE HIS FACE

WHEN HE OPENED THE DOOR. OH, JUST SAW HIM STANDING THERE.

ZACK O'TOOL'S SUPPOSED TO HAVE A 12-INCH DICK.

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHO ZACK O'TOOL IS?

EVERYBODY KNOWS WHO THE MANRAMMER IS.

EVEN SCHOOLBOYS?

OF COURSE. THAT'S PART OF THE CURRICULUM.

GAY PORN STARS 101.

YEAH, AND HERE'S THE FIRST LESSON,

THOSE THAT CAN, DO,

AND THOSE THAT CAN'T WATCH PORN.

SEE YA, BOYS.

HEY, BRIAN.

YOU WANNA DANCE?

I DON'T THINK SO.

WE'RE NOT IN THE OFFICE NOW, LET'S GET DOWN.

I'M BUSY.

OR AT LEAST I WAS.

WHAT'RE YOU ON? DOUBLE BUMPS.

YOU SHOULDN'T LET SENIOR MANAGEMENT KNOW THAT.

I'M JUST CELEBRATING.

SEE, TONIGHT'S A SPECIAL OCCASION.

OH? YEAH, YOU DIDN'T HEAR?

J-JIM CLEMENSKI GOT THAT POSITION.

YOU KNOW THE ONE YOU... WOULDN'T RECOMMEND ME FOR?

LOOK, I TOLD YOU... YOU OWED IT TO ME.

WHY, BECAUSE I FUCKED YOU?

YOU WEREN'T THAT GOOD.

I'M GAY, YOU'RE GAY.

YEAH, WE'RE ALL GAY.

DO YOU THINK THAT MEANS I OWE YOU SOME FAVOUR?

HOW ELSE ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET AHEAD

IF WE DON'T HELP EACH OTHER?

THE SAME WAY THAT I DID. BY HELPING YOURSELF.

YEAH, AND BY DOING YOUR JOB

BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE.

IF YOU CAN DO THAT, THEN TRUST ME,

THEY WON'T GIVE A SHIT WHERE YOU STICK YOUR DICK.

AND DON'T MIX THAT WITH BOOZE.

THERE. I DID YOU A FAVOUR.

WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? CALL ME.

THAT'S THE FOURTH MESSAGE I'VE LEFT FOR HIM.

HE'S PROBABLY STILL RECOVERING

FROM HAVING ZACK O'TOOL FUCK HIS BRAINS OUT.

WELL, IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES FOR HIM NEVER TO THINK OF "SEE THE LIGHT" AGAIN,

THEN THAT $1,000
DOLLARS I SPENT WAS WELL WORTH IT. OH, GOD.

OH, THERE HE IS! EM, EMMETT!

EMMETT!

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

DID YOU GET OUR MESSAGES?

UH, I'VE BEEN BUSY.

I'LL BET YOU HAVE.

SO, COME HAVE A DRINK WITH US.

UH, I-I CAN'T, I'M... I'M MEETING SOMEONE.

A GUY?

IF YOU MUST KNOW, YES.

HIS NAME'S MATT. GUYS NAMED MATT ARE,

BY MY CALCULATION. 87.5% CUTE.

IT MUST HAVE WORKED.

SO, TELL US ALL ABOUT IT.

ALL ABOUT WHAT?

THE OTHER NIGHT.

THE OTHER NIGHT?

YOU KNOW, WHEN A CERTAIN SOMEONE

WITH A WELLENDOWED SOMETHING

CAME A TAP-TAPTAPPING AT YOUR CHAMBER DOOR.

OH, YOU MEAN ZACK.

"OH, YOU MEAN ZACK." I LOVE HOW HE'S SO BLASE ABOUT IT.

IT WAS QUITE AN EYE-OPENING EXPERIENCE.

AND I OWE IT ALL TO YOU.

OH, ANYTHING FOR A FRIEND.

JUST AS LONG AS IT DID THE TRICK.

IT DID THE TRICK, ALL RIGHT.

I-I... REALLY I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH.

IT HELPED ME PROVE TO MYSELF THAT, UH,

I CAN RESIST ANY TEMPTATION,

EVEN THE ONLY MAN I'VE EVER HAD A SPONTANEOUS

ORGASM OVER...

PROVIDED MY RESOLVE IS STRONG ENOUGH.

WHAT?

WHAT, DO YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING?

TALKED. YOU TALKED?

DID YOU KNOW THAT HE STUDIED ACTING WITH UTA HAGEN,

AND HE'S FLUENT IN THREE LANGUAGES?

YEAH, THAT'S NOT THE KIND OF TONGUE ACTION I PAID $1,000 FOR.

YOU PAID $1,000?

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I DID, BUDDY.

WOW, THEY TOLD ME YOU WOULD STOP AT NOTHING

TO PREVENT ME FROM FINDING MY TRUE SELF,

AND THEY WERE RIGHT.

EMMETT, LISTEN TO ME.

YOU'VE ALREADY FOUND YOUR TRUE SELF.

YOUR TRUE SELF IS A BIG, NELLY QUEEN

WHO LIKES TO GET DOWN ON HIS KNEES AND SUCK COCK,

AND ONCE A YEAR ON HALLOWEEN

DRESS UP AS THE UGLIEST FUCKING CHER

THAT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN.

AND THAT'S OKAY.

NOW YOU'VE GOT TO GET AWAY FROM THOSE SICKO CREEPS

BEFORE THEY DESTROY YOU.

NO. NO, ACTUALLY

IT'S YOU I H-HAVE TO GET AWAY FROM.

UH, THEY TRIED TO TELL ME THAT,

ONLY I DIDN'T WANT TO BELIEVE THEM.

BUT NOW I SEE THE LIGHT.

MEL?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO.

I'VE CAUSED ENOUGH HARM.

IT WOULD ONLY BE DESTRUCTIVE TO YOU, TO ME, TO GUS.

YOU HAVEN'T EVEN TOLD ME WHERE YOU'RE GOING.

TO HER?

THERE WAS NEVER ANY INTENTION OF IT,

ON EITHER OF OUR PARTS, TO BE ANYTHING MORE THAN WHAT IT WAS.

I'M GOING TO GO STAY AT MY COUSIN RITA'S.

THE ONE WITH THE OVERBITE WHO NEVER THOUGHT WE'D MAKE IT?

GOD.

WELL, I THINK SHE DESERVES THE PRIZE FOR BEING RIGHT, HUH?

WELL, I GUESS THAT'S EVERYTHING FOR NOW.

CAN I HAVE A MOMENT ALONE WITH GUS?

OO-OH.

WE THOUGHT THE NOSTALGIC REFERENCE TO THE '50s

WOULD APPEAL TO THE DENTURE SET.

BY REMINDING THEM THAT THEIR BEST YEARS ARE BEHIND THEM?

AND THAT ALL THEY HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO

IS FURTHER DETERIORATION

AND DEATH.

W-WE THOUGHT IT WOULD MAKE THEM SMILE.

THEY'RE AFRAID TO SMILE.

THEIR FUCKING TEETH WILL FALL OUT.

WHERE'S KIP?

UH, HE CALLED IN SICK.

SHIT.

BRIAN, CAN I TALK WITH YOU?

I'LL FINISH BERATING YOU LATER.

WHAT'S UP? YOU TELL ME.

LEGAL JUST RECEIVED THIS FAX FROM KIP THOMAS' LAWYER.

HE SAYS THAT YOU PROMISED TO HELP MR. THOMAS' CAREER

IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS

AND THAT WHEN HE, UM, COMPLIED,

YOU RESCINDED YOUR OFFER.

WELL, THAT'S COMPLETE AND UTTER BULLSHIT.

WELL, BULLSHIT OR NOT, HE IS SUING YOU...

AND US,

FOR SEXUAL HARASSMENT.