QI (2003–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - Biscuits - full transcript

[Script Info]; This is a Sub Station Alpha v4 script.
; For Sub Station Alpha info and downloads,
; go to http://www.eswat.demon.co.uk/
; or email [email protected]
;
; Note: This file was saved by Subresync.
;
ScriptType: v4.00
Collisions: Normal
PlayResX: 384
PlayResY: 288
Timer: 100.0000

[V4 Styles]
Format: Name, Fontname, Fontsize, PrimaryColour, SecondaryColour, TertiaryColour, BackColour, Bold, Italic, BorderStyle, Outline, Shadow, Alignment, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, AlphaLevel, Encoding
Style: s0,sansSerif,16,&Hffffff,&H00ffff,&H000000,&H000000,-1,0,1,1,2,2,10,10,10,0,0
Style: s1,sansSerif,16,&H00ffff,&H00ffff,&H000000,&H000000,-1,0,1,1,2,2,10,10,10,0,0
Style: s2,sansSerif,16,&H00ff00,&H00ffff,&H000000,&H000000,-1,0,1,1,2,2,10,10,10,0,0
Style: s3,sansSerif,16,&Hffff00,&H00ffff,&H000000,&H000000,-1,0,1,1,2,2,10,10,10,0,0
Style: Default,Arial,16,&Hffffff,&H00ffff,&H000000,&H000000,-1,0,1,1,1,2,5,5,10,0,0

[Events]
Format: Marked, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:00:06.18,0:00:08.02,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Theme music)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:00:26.82,0:00:28.94,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:00:29.22,0:00:34.74,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Well...hello, hello, hello, hello,\Nand welcome to QI,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:00:35.10,0:00:38.54,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,the show that knows what's what\Nlike I know the back of my onions.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:00:38.82,0:00:42.10,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,So let's meet\Ntonight's men amongst men.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:00:42.42,0:00:44.66,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,We have Rich Hall...\N(Applause)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:00:44.94,0:00:46.78,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,..Arthur Smith...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:00:47.10,0:00:50.86,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,..Dara O'Briain, and Alan Davies.\N(Applause)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:00:53.10,0:00:54.50,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Welcome one, welcome all.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:00:54.78,0:00:57.26,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Let's hear your manly sounds, please,\Ngentlemen. Rich goes...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:00:57.54,0:00:59.34,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Handsaw cuts through wood)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:00:59.66,0:01:03.50,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,..and Arthur...\N(Nail is hammered)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:03.78,0:01:06.74,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,..and Dara...\N(Fierce Maori war cry)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:13.98,0:01:16.58,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,..and Alan.\N(Generic mobile phone ringtone)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:16.86,0:01:21.94,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,So let's begin, with question one,\Nand that's for Rich.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:22.22,0:01:23.90,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,What would you say\Nif I said to you
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:24.18,0:01:27.50,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,that the British Empire\Nwas built of diarrhoea?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:27.78,0:01:30.46,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:30.66,0:01:32.66,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd say you were full of shit.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:34.62,0:01:37.94,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Any word that ends in '-rea'\Nis just bad news, isn't it?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:38.22,0:01:43.22,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Diarrhoea...pyorrhea...\Ngonorrhoea...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:43.50,0:01:45.38,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,..North Korea.\NNorth Korea. (Laughs)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:45.66,0:01:48.98,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,What about Chris Rea?\NYeah.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:49.26,0:01:51.46,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,To be fair, though,\Nspeaking as someone, obviously,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:51.78,0:01:54.70,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,whose antecedents were members\Nof the British Empire themselves -
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:54.90,0:01:56.42,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,uh, happily, of course -
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:56.70,0:01:59.14,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,diarrhoea was very much\Nthe least of our problems.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:01:59.46,0:02:01.86,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,while the English\Nwere in the country.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:02.18,0:02:04.90,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Really, we'd have been glad\Nof a bit of diarrhoea.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:05.18,0:02:07.86,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean, there's very few\Nrecorded conversations
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:08.14,0:02:09.58,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,between Irish peasants in the 1840s
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:09.86,0:02:11.06,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,that went,\N'Paddy, you're looking very thin.'
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:11.34,0:02:13.50,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,'I know. The food is just\Nrunning through me at the moment.'
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:17.14,0:02:20.10,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,'This spicy British food\Ndoesn't appeal to me at all.'
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:20.34,0:02:22.30,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, yeah. Absolutely.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:22.62,0:02:24.22,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, of course,\Nthe question is oddly framed,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:24.54,0:02:26.42,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,because, actually,\Nthe British Empire came about
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:26.66,0:02:27.86,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,because the British
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:28.14,0:02:31.46,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,were the first imperial power to\Novercome the problem of diarrhoea.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:31.70,0:02:32.90,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Up until the 18th century,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:33.18,0:02:35.18,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,almost every invading army\Nanywhere in the world
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:35.46,0:02:37.90,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,was laid low by diarrhoea -\Nparticularly the French.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:38.22,0:02:42.10,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,They kept having excrement\Nso close to their food, if not on it,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:42.42,0:02:46.42,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and it was not understood\Nthat this was a bad idea.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:46.74,0:02:49.30,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,It's not a bad idea, Stephen.\NIsn't it?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:49.62,0:02:51.02,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,No, no, no.\NSomeone's been leading me up.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:51.38,0:02:53.90,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,I think you'll find\Nmore faeces with your food
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:54.10,0:02:56.42,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,actually improves your health.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:02:56.74,0:03:00.62,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Silence)\NI've overstated it a touch.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:00.90,0:03:02.86,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I think you might have done.\N(Laughter)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:03.18,0:03:07.98,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,But I do think it's generally agreed\Nthat children don't eat enough...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:08.22,0:03:10.22,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,..you know...bad things, in a way.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:10.42,0:03:11.90,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Everything's sanitised,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:12.22,0:03:13.42,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,and their bodies aren't used to it
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:13.70,0:03:16.30,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,when they have to\Nfight off infections.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:16.50,0:03:17.78,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I think it's absolutely right.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:18.10,0:03:19.30,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,If everyone\Nlives in a plastic bubble,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:19.50,0:03:20.74,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,the moment the bubble is removed,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:21.06,0:03:22.34,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,they die of something or other\Nvery fast.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:22.62,0:03:24.94,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Particularly if the bubble\Nis underwater, for example.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:27.06,0:03:28.54,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Exactly!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:28.82,0:03:30.26,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,There's a very sudden pressure\Nchange
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:30.54,0:03:32.06,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,that you just can't deal with\Nin that situation.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:32.34,0:03:34.10,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,So the notion of an army\Nmarching on its stomach
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:34.38,0:03:35.66,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,is more that\Nthe army tends to march
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:35.94,0:03:38.50,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,on the contents of\Na preceding soldier's stomach,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:38.82,0:03:39.98,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,as they were walking along.\NAbsolutely.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:40.26,0:03:41.86,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,There were\Ntwo eminent British figures,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:42.18,0:03:44.06,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,one called Pringle,\Nwho did it for the army,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:44.34,0:03:46.10,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,another one called Lind,\Nwho did it for the navy...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:46.38,0:03:50.02,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Presumably, Pringle had\Na small moustache, just like that.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:50.34,0:03:53.26,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Latrines. We invented latrines.\NWell, that's right.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:53.46,0:03:54.94,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,But that's a French word.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:55.26,0:03:57.62,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,I know! 'Latrine' must have been\NFrench for 'kitchen' then.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:03:57.90,0:04:01.66,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, you're almost right. I mean,\Nthe French did extraordinary things.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:01.98,0:04:04.30,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean, instead of\Nburying their bodies at sea,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:04.62,0:04:06.94,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,they buried them\Nactually in the ship...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:07.18,0:04:08.42,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,In the ship?\N..in the bilge part.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:08.70,0:04:10.34,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,The bottom, the ballast part.\NBrilliant idea. Yeah.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:10.62,0:04:11.98,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Except imagine the stench!\NProbably improved matters, though.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:12.30,0:04:15.82,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,I remember reading\Nthat on the approach to Moscow,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:16.02,0:04:17.62,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,that the French soldiers
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:17.94,0:04:22.42,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,used to sleep inside the\Ndead bodies of horses at night...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:22.74,0:04:24.74,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Wow\N..'cause, obviously, it's warm.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:25.02,0:04:26.74,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,So, I mean, that's not\Na comfortable night, is it?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:28.50,0:04:32.42,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Even Travelodge\Nis better than that, you know?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:32.70,0:04:36.26,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes - for the wrong reasons, Lind\Nand Pringle thought the right thing.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:36.54,0:04:39.14,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,In other words, they believed\Nthat disease was all about smell,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:39.46,0:04:41.62,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and if something smelt bad,\Nyou would be ill.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:41.94,0:04:44.98,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,We had a maths teacher at school\Nwho smelt disgusting.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:45.22,0:04:47.26,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Pringle laid down rules for the army
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:47.58,0:04:50.62,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,about how far faeces, and everything\Nto do with it, should be from food.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:50.94,0:04:54.26,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And, as a result, we had far less\Ndiarrhoea, far less enteric fever
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:54.50,0:04:55.78,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,than any other army around the world.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:56.10,0:04:58.54,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,He also said, for the navy,\Nthat they should eat lemons,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:04:58.86,0:05:02.26,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,because of scurvy - vitamins\Nweren't known about until 1912.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:02.54,0:05:05.86,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,But, because almost every country\Nthat grew lemons hated Britain,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:06.18,0:05:08.62,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,the only countries\Nwe could get anything close to it
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:08.94,0:05:10.18,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,was the Caribbean,\Nwhere there were limes,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:10.38,0:05:11.86,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,which are actually half as effective.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:12.18,0:05:14.02,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And hence, British, of course,\Nwere called 'limeys',
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:14.04,0:05:15.76,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,where we should, really,\Nhave been called 'lemonies'.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:15.96,0:05:17.24,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:17.64,0:05:19.80,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Because the navy did realise\Nthat lemons were twice as effective.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:20.16,0:05:22.96,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Vitamin C tablets, obviously,\Nseem very effective.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:23.16,0:05:25.64,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Multi-vitamins. MultiVits.\NIf they'd had a few of them...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:25.92,0:05:28.96,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean, if you'd just gone to Boots,\Nreally, at the start of the trip...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:29.28,0:05:32.20,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,You know, they say that the wheel\Nis the greatest invention ever.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:32.52,0:05:34.88,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,But I think it's probably\Nthe second wheel, because...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:35.16,0:05:37.24,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:40.56,0:05:42.56,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)\NVery good.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:42.84,0:05:45.04,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Have you ever\Nseen a guy on a unicycle?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:45.24,0:05:46.88,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,What an asshole.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:48.52,0:05:50.16,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,In the Battle of El Alamein,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:50.48,0:05:52.72,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,there's a strong historical argument\Nthat it was won
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:53.04,0:05:55.72,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,because more than 50% of the German\NArmy in North Africa at the time
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:55.92,0:05:57.20,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,had diarrhoea,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:57.44,0:05:58.84,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and Rommel himself was in hospital
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:05:59.08,0:06:02.32,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,on the first day of the Battle\Nof El Alamein, with the squits.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:02.60,0:06:05.60,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,My father, actually,\Nwas genuinely at El Alamein,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:05.88,0:06:08.56,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,and he was the only soldier,\Naccording to him,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:08.76,0:06:10.64,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,who didn't have the runs.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:10.92,0:06:13.16,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,And he was actually constipated.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:13.44,0:06:14.92,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,That's what he said.\NJust bloody-minded, is he?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:15.16,0:06:17.48,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,This was one of his great lines -
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:17.72,0:06:19.72,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,'I had to dig it out with a stick.'
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:19.96,0:06:21.68,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:24.40,0:06:27.76,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And it is to such great men\Nthat we owe our freedom,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:28.00,0:06:30.44,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and we thank them. There you are.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:30.72,0:06:32.60,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,That's really\Nput me off going to war.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:32.96,0:06:35.12,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,I was alright\Nwith the killing, and the mayhem,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:35.40,0:06:37.32,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,but the shits...\NExactly.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:37.56,0:06:38.96,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,You don't see it in war films,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:39.24,0:06:41.24,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and yet it is something that\Nabsolutely drives humans everywhere.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:41.52,0:06:43.64,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean, it is...it's a thing\Nwe do all the time.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:43.92,0:06:45.64,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you know, I feel, though,\Nthat in many ways,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:45.92,0:06:47.44,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,we've pretty well done diarrhoea.\NI think we have.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:47.64,0:06:49.96,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,We're ready to move on, in fact.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:50.28,0:06:51.92,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,We'll move on\Nto a question for Dara.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:52.20,0:06:53.44,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, what begins with B...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:53.76,0:06:57.08,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought\Nwe were done with diarrhoea.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:06:59.16,0:07:01.12,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,You...(Chuckles). Alright.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:01.44,0:07:02.92,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,It is nearly an anagram, your name,\Nisn't it?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:03.24,0:07:04.52,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Well,\Nit's quite possibly an anagram,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:04.80,0:07:06.76,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,but what anagram...?\NFor diarrhoea.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:07.08,0:07:09.40,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,No, it's not. There's only\Nfour letters in my name.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:09.60,0:07:10.96,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:11.28,0:07:13.04,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It's an anagram\Nof the great drama school, RADA.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:13.32,0:07:15.04,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,That's what it's an anagram of.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:15.36,0:07:17.68,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,No, no. With all the rest of it,\Nthere's an O, isn't there?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:18.00,0:07:19.64,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,There's an O, yeah.\NThere's a B, there's an N.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:19.92,0:07:22.48,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,As if my name is, roughly,\N'NB Diarrhoea.'
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:22.80,0:07:26.00,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes. 'Da-ra'.\NDa-ra! Da-ra!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:27.56,0:07:32.72,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,So, Dara, what begins with a B,\Nand is illegal in Turkmenistan?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:33.00,0:07:35.72,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Begins with a B,\Nand is illegal in Turkmenistan?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:36.00,0:07:37.76,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Um...\NBegins with a B, yes.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:38.04,0:07:41.24,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, presumably a plague of bees\Nwould be...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:41.52,0:07:43.36,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Would begin with one bee.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:43.68,0:07:44.96,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,There is a town in Turkmenistan\Ncalled Mary.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:45.28,0:07:47.36,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Mary's an odd name for a town.\NIs there a Mary there?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:47.76,0:07:48.88,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,There is a Mary, yeah.\NYeah.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:49.08,0:07:50.32,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, my God. You're absolutely right.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:50.64,0:07:52.24,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,There's also\Na large region called Mary, as well,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:52.52,0:07:53.80,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,in Turkmenistan.\NMary, Mary.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:54.12,0:07:56.12,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,And there's\Na little town called Quite Contrary.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:07:57.96,0:08:00.20,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Buggery? Is it buggery?\NIt's not.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:00.48,0:08:02.80,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, actually, as far as I know, it\Nmay be illegal, buggery, in...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:03.12,0:08:05.20,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Bestiality?\NNo. It's something weird. I mean...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:05.52,0:08:07.40,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Bear-baiting? Ballet?\NBallet is the right answer.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:07.68,0:08:08.84,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Is it?!\NBallet is illegal.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:09.12,0:08:11.48,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Illegal?! In a country that used to\Nbe part of the Soviet Union.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:11.76,0:08:13.04,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,'Arrest that man. That man...'\NExactly, exactly.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:13.32,0:08:15.32,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Is that a man?\NIt could be a man.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:16.80,0:08:19.88,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,There is a very, very odd man\Nindeed, called Saparmurat Niyazov,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:20.20,0:08:22.12,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,who is the head of this country,\NTurkmenistan.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:22.44,0:08:24.08,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And there he is.\NIs he from Mary?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:24.36,0:08:26.12,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,He doesn't look like he is.\NNo, he's not.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:26.40,0:08:28.04,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,He's actually from Ashgabat,\Nwhich is the capital.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:28.20,0:08:29.60,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,(Guttural) Ashgabad!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:30.00,0:08:31.84,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And he is one of\Nthe oddest world leaders there is.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:32.12,0:08:33.76,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,'You! Ballerina!'\NYeah, exactly.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:34.08,0:08:37.64,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,In 2001...\N'No, no!'
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:37.92,0:08:40.48,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Not only that, he's named January\Nafter himself, so...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:41.96,0:08:44.36,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,His face appears\Non millions of yoghurt pots.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:44.64,0:08:46.04,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,If you buy yoghurt pots\Nin Turkmenistan,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:46.32,0:08:48.32,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,his face will be on it.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:48.60,0:08:50.08,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,What's the point of that?\NWell, exactly.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:50.28,0:08:52.96,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean, power has gone to his head.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:53.28,0:08:56.12,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,He looks like\Na face that would curdle milk.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:56.32,0:08:58.48,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,He does! That's probably right.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:08:58.72,0:09:00.88,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Is it on the inside\Nof the yoghurt pot, his face?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:01.16,0:09:04.76,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,At the bottom...\NScoop, scoop.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:05.16,0:09:09.80,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,What happens if you are caught\Nperforming ballet? You're arrested?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:10.04,0:09:11.24,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Presumably, you would be arrested.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:11.52,0:09:13.12,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Even for a small plie?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:14.88,0:09:18.56,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Are there signs, like, with tutus,\Nand big Xs through them?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:18.80,0:09:20.68,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughs) 'No ballet here.'
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:20.96,0:09:25.16,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,There must be some kind of\Nunderground ballet-dancing clubs.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:25.44,0:09:28.24,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Absolutely.\NYeah - Ballet Club, with Brad Pitt.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:28.44,0:09:30.04,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah. (Laughs)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:31.56,0:09:34.16,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, he also fired 15,000 nurses\Nin Turkmenistan, Niyazov,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:34.44,0:09:35.60,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and replaced them\Nwith army conscripts.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:35.88,0:09:37.12,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,There's something odd about him.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:37.44,0:09:39.92,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,This sounds like\Na place where Bush needs to go in,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:40.20,0:09:41.96,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,and kick some more arse.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:42.20,0:09:43.36,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:45.60,0:09:47.12,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Now it's time\Nfor a question for Arthur.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:47.40,0:09:49.64,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,What's quite interesting\Nabout digestive biscuits?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:49.92,0:09:53.36,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, it's a hardworking biscuit,\Nthe digestive, you know.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:53.64,0:09:56.32,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,You put cheese on it,\Nand, as it goes, chocolate on it.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:09:56.52,0:09:59.88,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a base for cheesecake.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:00.16,0:10:03.56,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,It really is\Na sort of Renaissance biscuit.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:03.84,0:10:05.96,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It is!\NIt's a great dunker.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:06.24,0:10:08.08,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah. It's a very,\Nvery hardworking biscuit.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:08.32,0:10:10.04,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,But have you ever noticed
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:10.32,0:10:13.88,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,that there is a slightly fishy taste\Nabout a digestive?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:14.20,0:10:17.12,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Is there?\NWhat have you been dunking them in?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:18.84,0:10:21.28,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Good heavens. Or\Nwho have you been dunking them in?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:21.48,0:10:24.04,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Good Lord!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:26.76,0:10:30.04,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,We're in the world of misnomers -\Nthings that are wrongly called.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:30.24,0:10:31.72,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Do they give you wind?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:31.96,0:10:33.48,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,They were called 'digestives'
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:33.80,0:10:36.16,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,because they were supposed to be\Nan anti-flatulent biscuit,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:36.44,0:10:37.72,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,when they were designed\Nin the 19th century.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:38.04,0:10:39.96,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,You're joking!\NNo! That's right.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:40.32,0:10:42.84,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,'You'd better have one of these.'\N'Sorry.'
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:44.52,0:10:47.24,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Maybe you stuffed it up,\NI don't know.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:47.52,0:10:52.68,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd like to see an advert\Nfor this flatulence biscuit.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:54.08,0:10:56.84,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,(Mimics fart)\N'Hey, try a digestive!'
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:10:57.12,0:11:01.20,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,We're heading right back down\Nthe diarrhoea highway here.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:01.52,0:11:04.24,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Welcome to the United Kingdom,\NMr Hall.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:06.56,0:11:09.76,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,The fact is,\Nthey are not aids to digestion.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:10.04,0:11:12.56,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,In America, it is illegal\Nto call them 'digestives'.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:12.84,0:11:14.76,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Of course, in America...do you know\Nwhat we're talking about?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:15.04,0:11:16.84,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Cookies.\NYeah, yeah. Yes.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:17.08,0:11:20.92,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,That's quite right...which is from\Nthe Dutch - 'koek', meaning a cake,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:21.24,0:11:22.56,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,which is why you call them 'cookies'.\NRight.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:22.80,0:11:24.04,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,'Cause what you call a biscuit,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:24.36,0:11:26.08,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,it's more like what we would\Ncall a scone-y thing.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:26.28,0:11:27.52,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,You have biscuits and gravy.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:27.80,0:11:29.60,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Explain to the ladies and gentlemen\Nwhat that is.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:29.84,0:11:33.84,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, traveller from an arcane land.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:34.12,0:11:36.76,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)\NYes!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:36.96,0:11:39.68,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,What...do...your people...eat?!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:40.92,0:11:42.72,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter, applause)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:45.08,0:11:46.88,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Everything!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:48.60,0:11:52.16,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,No, biscuits...biscuits\Nare made from self-rising flour,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:52.44,0:11:53.96,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,and then they just\Nslop gravy over it,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:54.24,0:11:56.08,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,and it\Njust takes up room on the plate.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:56.36,0:11:58.72,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Right. And it's a breakfast-y thing,\Nor a lunch-y thing, or...?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:11:59.04,0:12:00.56,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Uh, depends on\Nwhat trailer park you live in.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:00.76,0:12:02.00,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Sometimes it's three meals a day.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:02.24,0:12:04.60,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Fair enough, fair enough.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:04.92,0:12:07.40,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, 450 digestive biscuits\Nare baked every second
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:07.68,0:12:09.40,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,in the United Kingdom.\NReally?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:09.72,0:12:13.36,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,They are truly the mule of biscuits.\NThey certainly are.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:13.64,0:12:15.76,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And, Alan, it brings me onto\Na question for you. For me?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:16.04,0:12:17.76,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,What is the difference\Nbetween a cake and a biscuit?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:18.12,0:12:19.64,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, that's easy!\NTell.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:19.92,0:12:22.92,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, a cake is soft,\Nand a biscuit's hard.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:24.12,0:12:26.76,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Cakes are soft, and squidgy,\Nand spongy,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:27.00,0:12:29.52,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,and biscuits, you can snap them.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:29.76,0:12:31.16,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,ARTHUR: What's a Jaffa cake, then?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:31.40,0:12:33.00,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Very interesting you should say that.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:33.24,0:12:35.72,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Well...quite interesting, I think.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:36.00,0:12:37.52,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, quite interesting.\NExactly, exactly.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:37.80,0:12:39.04,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Let's stick to our brief.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:40.48,0:12:44.04,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Jaffa cake is the exception\Nthat proves the rule.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:44.28,0:12:45.84,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, no, it isn't an exception.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:46.12,0:12:47.32,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,See, what happens on this show,\NDara,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:47.56,0:12:49.64,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,is that he thinks I'm an idiot.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:49.92,0:12:52.68,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, you think my name\Nis an anagram of 'diarrhoea', so...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:52.96,0:12:55.48,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes, exactly.\N(Laughter)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:12:55.72,0:12:58.04,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm really on their side\Nat the moment.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:00.60,0:13:02.28,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, actually, I mean,\Nyou use the right words.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:02.60,0:13:04.76,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Technically, the difference is\Nthat when they go stale,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:05.04,0:13:08.84,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,a cake goes hard\Nand a biscuit goes soft.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:09.08,0:13:10.84,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,And a biscuit goes soft. Does it?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:11.16,0:13:12.64,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,In 1991, the British government,\Nand Customs and Excise,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:12.92,0:13:17.12,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,decided they wanted to reclassify\Nthe Jaffa cake as a biscuit.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:17.40,0:13:22.52,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,The weird thing is, there is 0 VAT\Non cake and biscuit,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:22.80,0:13:26.48,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,but there is VAT on chocolate\Nbiscuits, as a luxury item.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:26.64,0:13:28.00,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,So McVitie's went out of their way
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:28.28,0:13:30.16,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,to try and prove that Jaffa cakes\Nare not chocolate biscuits,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:30.36,0:13:31.64,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,they are cakes.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:31.92,0:13:33.40,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And they did so by demonstrating,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:33.60,0:13:35.08,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,in front of the VAT review board,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:35.40,0:13:37.52,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,that they went hard\Nwhen they were stale.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:37.80,0:13:39.64,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And they also\Ncooked a great, big 12-inch one
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:39.96,0:13:42.40,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,to show that it really was\Na cake that they had baked.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:42.72,0:13:45.64,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,I always think, King Alfred...\Nyou know, he was a great man, who...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:45.92,0:13:47.12,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Is that a cock-ring?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:47.40,0:13:50.84,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)\NNo, that's a really early cock-ring.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:51.00,0:13:53.12,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Made of stone.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:55.04,0:13:57.20,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, they had big knobs, they did.\NYeah.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:13:57.48,0:14:02.60,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,But King Alfred,\Nwho, I believe, invented...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:02.92,0:14:05.08,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughs)\N(Laughs)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:05.36,0:14:07.64,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm determined to carry on.\NYes. No, please do. Absolutely.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:07.92,0:14:10.04,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Carry on. I've got\Na big, stone cock-ring in my head.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:10.32,0:14:13.04,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,He invented the navy.\NHe made all sorts of differences.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:13.32,0:14:16.12,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,He was\Nan important political figure.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:16.44,0:14:19.52,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,But all we remember him for\Nis some business involving cakes.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:19.80,0:14:21.04,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:21.24,0:14:22.96,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,You, for example, may yet, Stephen,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:23.28,0:14:25.76,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,be remembered for something\Npathetically insignificant.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:26.04,0:14:29.32,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Absolutely. I once\Ndropped a pack of Abbey Crunch.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:29.64,0:14:31.72,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,You're so posh.\NThey're not posh!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:31.96,0:14:33.56,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,You really...they are posh biscuits!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:33.84,0:14:35.04,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, stop it.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:35.36,0:14:38.24,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Posh biscuits are ones that are\Ncooked for you by your pastry chef.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:42.84,0:14:44.96,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Actually, there's a true story
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:45.24,0:14:48.24,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,about...I think it was the Duke of\NDevonshire, but it may not have been.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:48.48,0:14:49.72,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh...I can't believe you.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:49.96,0:14:51.20,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,In the Second World War,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:51.48,0:14:53.00,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,they would have people\Nfrom the Ministry of Labour
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:53.20,0:14:54.48,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,going round, checking on everybody,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:54.80,0:14:55.96,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and particularly\Non the big estates,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:56.24,0:14:58.16,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,to see if some all these\Npeople...some could be released
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:58.40,0:14:59.64,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,for essential war work.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:14:59.88,0:15:02.04,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And they went to Chatsworth, one\Nof the Duke of Devonshire's estates.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:02.40,0:15:04.28,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,They had a stopwatch, and clipboard,\Nand they checked everybody.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:04.56,0:15:06.44,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And, eventually,\Nthey had an interview with the Duke.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:06.64,0:15:07.88,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And they said, 'Well, Your Grace,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:08.16,0:15:10.36,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,we can understand\Nthat you need 47 gardeners,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:10.68,0:15:14.08,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and 13 other gardeners. And you need\Ngrooms, and you need chauffeurs,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:14.40,0:15:16.36,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and you need upstairs maids,\Nand downstairs maids,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:16.68,0:15:19.00,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and in between maids, and laundry\Nroom maids, and stillroom maids,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:19.32,0:15:21.64,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and kitchen maids, and nurse maids,\Nand house maids.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:21.84,0:15:23.12,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And we can understand
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:23.40,0:15:25.28,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,that you need the boy\Nto scrape the knives and boots,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:25.56,0:15:27.68,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and you need the butler, and the\Nfour footmen, and the under-butler.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:27.96,0:15:29.72,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,But we wonder\Nif a man economy might be made.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:30.00,0:15:32.48,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Does Your Grace necessarily\Nneed two pastry cooks?'
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:32.76,0:15:34.60,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,To which he apparently replied,\N'Oh, damn it.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:34.80,0:15:37.28,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Can't a man have a biscuit?'
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:37.56,0:15:40.92,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)\NWhich is...I mean, you know,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:41.16,0:15:44.44,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,we're all prepared\Nto make sacrifices to beat the Hun,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:44.76,0:15:48.52,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,but, I mean, really!\NThat's going a bit far, isn't it?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:48.84,0:15:52.60,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Peter Ustinov\Nhad rather a good story about...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:52.92,0:15:54.64,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,..he said he was at school,\Nit was so posh
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:15:54.96,0:15:58.40,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,that on school sports day,\Nthey had a chauffeurs' race.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:01.56,0:16:04.96,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Of course, we call posh cake\N'gateur', don't we?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:05.28,0:16:08.36,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,And the French\Ncall posh cake 'le cake'.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:08.64,0:16:10.48,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes, that's true.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:10.80,0:16:13.76,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you know what 'biscuit' means?\NWhat its derivation is?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:14.04,0:16:16.88,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,'Bis-' meaning...\NChew, Eat. Bit.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:17.16,0:16:18.80,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,..twice...\NSweet, hard, coffee cup.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:20.40,0:16:23.12,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,'Sweet, hard coffee cup'?!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:23.40,0:16:25.72,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Sweet, hard\Ncoffee cup accompaniment.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:26.04,0:16:29.44,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,No, it is 'twice-cooked'.\N'Biscotti', in Italian...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:29.72,0:16:31.48,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, biscotti's a biscuit.\NThey're horrible, though.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:31.80,0:16:33.32,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,They're like bits of shrapnel.\NYes.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:33.60,0:16:36.64,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,But it's fun\Nto do that game with the wrapper,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:36.84,0:16:38.20,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,that it flies up in the air.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:38.40,0:16:39.76,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Here's a quite interesting fact.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:39.96,0:16:41.92,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:42.24,0:16:44.12,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,As we know, at the end\Nof a marvellous performance,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:44.40,0:16:45.80,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,when we see a live show,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:46.08,0:16:48.28,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,when you think it's fabulous, and\Nyou want more, you shout, 'Encore!'
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:48.60,0:16:50.08,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes. But do you know\Nwhat the French shout?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:50.36,0:16:52.88,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,'Bis'? Oh, yeah.\NYou do know. Yes, yes.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:53.16,0:16:55.52,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)\NSorry.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:56.88,0:16:58.92,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It means 'twice'. Yeah.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:16:59.28,0:17:01.48,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,So they're asking\Nto see the whole damn thing again?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:03.84,0:17:06.40,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, on from biscuits. Fingers on\Nbuzzers now, for our next question.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:06.60,0:17:08.60,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Who invented straight roads?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:08.88,0:17:10.60,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Generic mobile phone ringtone)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:12.12,0:17:13.84,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Alan.\NThe Romans.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:14.12,0:17:16.08,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Siren sounds, alarm bells ring)\NOh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:16.36,0:17:17.88,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,I knew it!\NYeah, I'm afraid not.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:18.12,0:17:20.64,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,You haven't caught me, or anything,\N'cause I knew that was gonna happen.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:20.88,0:17:22.40,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Did you, did you? Yes.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:22.68,0:17:24.00,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'll have you know\Nthat they did.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:25.32,0:17:26.68,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,No, they didn't.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:26.88,0:17:28.24,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,They did!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:28.52,0:17:30.80,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,They rebuilt a lot of straight roads\Nthat were already there.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:31.08,0:17:35.68,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,The Romans would make a road\Nthat would go 50, 100 miles.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:35.96,0:17:38.08,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes. Stane Street, that goes\Nfrom Chichester to London
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:38.28,0:17:40.20,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,is 60 or 70 miles long.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:40.52,0:17:43.88,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,No-one thought to go that far\Nin a straight line until they did.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:44.16,0:17:46.08,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I think, in terms of distance,\Nyou may well be right -
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:46.40,0:17:47.68,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,that they probably built\Nthe longest straight roads...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:47.96,0:17:49.68,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,People would come across\Na Roman road, and go, 'Blimey!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:49.92,0:17:51.16,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,This must be a Roman road.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:51.44,0:17:53.96,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,They invented going really,\Nreally far in a straight line.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:54.24,0:17:55.72,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes. Which wasn't the question,\Nsadly.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:55.92,0:17:57.44,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:17:57.72,0:18:00.76,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, would that it had been.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:01.04,0:18:04.04,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,But the Romans, presumably, never,\Nin the end, really got anywhere.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:04.32,0:18:06.92,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,because all roads lead to Rome.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:07.20,0:18:08.72,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Indeed.\N(Mock laughs)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:10.44,0:18:13.60,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,No. There was a dense network\Nof roads in the pre-Roman Iron Age,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:13.88,0:18:16.72,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,of very straight roads. But you're\Nquite right - they weren't as vast.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:16.92,0:18:18.20,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you know that in America,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:18.48,0:18:20.44,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,some of the roads in the Midwest\Nare so straight,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:20.64,0:18:22.00,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,and go on straight for so long
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:22.24,0:18:24.20,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,that then,\Nthey have to make a right turn,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:24.48,0:18:26.72,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,and then go straight again.\NReally?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:27.00,0:18:28.28,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Because people go loopy, is it?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:28.56,0:18:31.64,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,No, no - to account for\Nthe curvature of the earth,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:31.92,0:18:33.92,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,so that it conforms to the map.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:34.16,0:18:35.68,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Good God.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:35.92,0:18:38.48,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,That's fantastic.\NWell, there you are.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:38.72,0:18:40.16,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,And do you know that in Montana,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:40.44,0:18:43.72,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,a policeman will pull you over\Nbecause he's lonely?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:44.04,0:18:45.32,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)\NOh!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:45.56,0:18:47.20,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,It's happened to me all the time.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:47.52,0:18:50.92,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Why do the Americans\Ndrive on the right?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:51.24,0:18:54.40,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, I guess because\Nwe invented the (BLEEP) car.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:54.60,0:18:56.84,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:18:58.68,0:19:00.44,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm awfully sorry\Nto put you right on that,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:00.72,0:19:02.48,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,but you didn't even come close\Nto inventing the car.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:02.76,0:19:04.96,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,We invented the first...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:05.24,0:19:08.20,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,There were at least two Germans\Nwho got there way before you!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:08.40,0:19:09.80,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Another proof, of course,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:10.08,0:19:13.28,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,is that in Ireland, there were\Nmany, many straight roads,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:13.64,0:19:16.48,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and the Irish were never\Ninvaded by the Romans, were you?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:16.80,0:19:18.64,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,No. They never got as far as us.\NAbsolutely not.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:18.96,0:19:20.56,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Which we actually do regret\Nto this day,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:20.84,0:19:23.08,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,'cause we have no great architecture\Nthat dates back to then.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:23.36,0:19:24.52,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,We have a lack of...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:24.72,0:19:26.32,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,You've got Cromlix.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:26.64,0:19:28.52,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, we have our own little,\Nyou know, mounds, and stuff,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:28.76,0:19:30.04,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,that we're quite happy with,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:30.36,0:19:32.80,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,that I had to drag my sorry arse\Naround at school trips
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:33.12,0:19:35.68,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,for a few years. 'Boys, we're off\Nto see a mound today.'
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:35.96,0:19:38.48,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah. And our imagination\Nran riot -
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:38.72,0:19:39.92,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,but it was never what we expected.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:41.20,0:19:45.08,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And do you know why the grass is greener\Nin Ireland than over here?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:45.36,0:19:46.76,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Is it because of\Nlimestone in the ground?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:47.04,0:19:49.24,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,No - it's 'cause you're all\Nover here, walking on ours.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:49.44,0:19:51.20,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter, applause)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:56.24,0:19:58.28,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Which brings us, neatly,\Nto the point where fools rush in,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:19:58.52,0:20:00.16,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and Alans fear to tread,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:00.48,0:20:02.48,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,which is our dose\Nof General Ignorance round, now.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:02.76,0:20:04.72,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,So fingers on buzzers again,\Nif you would, please.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:05.04,0:20:07.84,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,What is the collective noun\Nfor a group of baboons?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:08.04,0:20:09.76,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Saw cuts through wood)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:10.92,0:20:12.76,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yay.\NThe Pentagon.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:15.36,0:20:17.44,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Fantastic! (Laughs)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:20.64,0:20:23.44,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Funnily enough, American politics\Nhas a lot to do with it.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:23.76,0:20:25.88,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And not only is the Pentagon\Nan organ of American power,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:26.16,0:20:29.80,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,but so is their house...\NCapitol Hill. The White House.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:30.12,0:20:32.60,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,The House of Representatives.\NThe House of Baboons?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:32.88,0:20:34.04,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It's the Congress.\NThe Congress.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:34.32,0:20:36.20,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,It's 'a congress of baboons'?\NYeah.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:36.48,0:20:38.44,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,But the reason we ask the question...\N(Mobile phone ringtone)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:38.72,0:20:40.40,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Congress of baboons.\NVery good.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:40.68,0:20:44.00,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,But there is a quite interesting fact\Nabout a new word
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:44.28,0:20:45.52,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,that is\Nbeginning to replace 'congress'.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:45.80,0:20:47.32,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And it has a very odd history,\Nthis word.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:47.64,0:20:50.36,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It comes from a comedy sketch\Non BBC Television,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:50.64,0:20:52.84,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,in a series\Ncalled Not the Nine O'Clock News.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:53.08,0:20:55.64,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,There was a sketch\Ncalled Gerald the Gorilla...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:55.92,0:20:57.56,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, yeah.\N..in which Rowan Atkinson played...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:20:57.84,0:20:59.80,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,'Wild?' He makes mention...\Nthat's right.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:00.12,0:21:02.44,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,'Wild? I was furious.' Exactly.\N'The production on that album...'
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:02.64,0:21:04.88,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,But there's a point
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:05.16,0:21:06.44,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,where he talks about a group,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:06.72,0:21:08.60,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,'or "flange",\Nas we call them, of gorillas'.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:08.88,0:21:12.28,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And this was just made up by Richard\NCurtis, or whoever wrote the sketch,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:12.56,0:21:15.32,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,for that particular sketch.\NBut it's now on the Net.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:15.60,0:21:16.96,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And there is...I can quote you here,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:17.28,0:21:20.12,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,from a book called Sex and Friendship\Nin Baboons, by Barbara B Smuts.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:20.40,0:21:22.28,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,This is a review...\N(Laughter)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:22.56,0:21:25.52,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,He's read every book in the world.\NYeah. (Laughs)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:25.80,0:21:28.76,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,This is a review on amazon.com,\Nand it's a serious academic study.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:29.04,0:21:30.52,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And it says,\N'In this marvellous book,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:30.84,0:21:33.44,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Smuts draws from years\Nof painstaking field research,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:33.72,0:21:36.28,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,in which she followed around\Na flange of Chacma baboons
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:36.56,0:21:38.80,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,in the Matetsi Game Reserve,\Nin Zimbabwe.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:39.00,0:21:42.52,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And there, a word has migrated from\Na comedy sketch into the internet
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:42.84,0:21:45.88,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,is now being used by academics\Nas the official word.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:46.08,0:21:47.60,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And, while on the subject of animals,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:47.92,0:21:50.68,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,who can tell me which mammals\Nhave the most bones in their noses?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:51.00,0:21:54.16,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Mobile phone ringtone)\NYep, Alan.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:54.48,0:21:57.68,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Crocodiles.\NIt isn't crocodiles, as it happens.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:21:57.96,0:21:59.92,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,I was gonna say elephants,\Nbut I think that's really stupid.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:00.24,0:22:03.28,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Siren sounds, alarm bells ring,\Nlaughter)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:03.60,0:22:06.20,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you. Oh, bless you.\NMost obliged. Anteaters.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:06.52,0:22:07.88,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes, I did it\Nto please the researcher.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:08.16,0:22:09.28,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Did you say 'anteaters'?\NYes.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:09.60,0:22:12.32,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, the answer is an anteater,\Nso you should have some points.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:12.60,0:22:14.56,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,A particular kind. Probably\Nthe most famous kind of anteater,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:14.88,0:22:16.12,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,in some ways.\NAardvark.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:16.40,0:22:20.36,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Aardvark is the right answer.\NIt has nine or ten.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:20.60,0:22:21.92,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you know, I can say, in Danish,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:22.20,0:22:25.00,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,'I have\Nspilt coffee on the anteater'?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:25.20,0:22:27.56,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:27.96,0:22:29.60,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I would like\Nyou to do that for us now.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:29.76,0:22:33.04,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Jeg har spildt kaffe pa Myresluger!
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:33.36,0:22:35.32,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:39.84,0:22:41.96,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Elephants, of course, have\Nno bones in their noses whatsoever.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:42.24,0:22:46.28,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,So our next question is, according\Nto the inventor of Centigrade,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:46.56,0:22:50.60,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,what's the boiling point of water?\NI'm not gonna fall for that.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:50.88,0:22:52.04,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Hammer strikes nail)\NYes? Oh, dear, no.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:52.32,0:22:53.56,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm gonna say something stupid,\Naren't I?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:53.76,0:22:55.40,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,100 degrees.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:55.68,0:22:56.96,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Siren sounds, alarm bells ring)\NOh, dear. (Cheers)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:57.24,0:22:58.64,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah...it's so obvious.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:22:58.92,0:23:00.88,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It's obvious, and you'd think\Nit's a reasonable thing to say.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:01.20,0:23:02.92,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,The inventor Centigrade\Nwas a man called Anders...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:03.24,0:23:05.24,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Celcius.\NCelcius is quite right.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:05.60,0:23:09.28,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,From 1701 to 1744, he lived.\NA short but fruitful life.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:09.56,0:23:11.36,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,He spent all that time\Ngoing, 'Ooh, that's hot.'
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:13.40,0:23:14.76,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,'That's hot, that's cold,\Nand that's hot.'
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:15.00,0:23:16.24,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,'But that's quite chilly.'
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:16.44,0:23:18.28,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,'I should call that "one"'.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:23.04,0:23:26.36,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,He decided that water should boil\Nat zero degrees,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:26.64,0:23:28.40,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and that ice would melt at 100.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:28.68,0:23:31.04,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Of course, nought is actually, now -\Nof course, it's the other way round.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:31.32,0:23:33.28,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Nought is not the point at which\Nwater freezes, in Centigrade.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:33.60,0:23:37.36,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It's the point at which ice melts.\NYeah.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:37.60,0:23:38.84,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Zero is actually more than that.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:39.12,0:23:40.28,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm giving you\Na scientific fact,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:40.60,0:23:42.08,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,because I don't wish\Nto be associated with diarrhoea
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:42.36,0:23:43.60,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,for the rest of the show.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:43.88,0:23:45.52,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Zero's actually\Nthe triple point of water.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:45.84,0:23:48.76,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,It's the first temperature at which\Nwater can exist in all three states,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:49.08,0:23:51.40,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,because you can actually get water\Nvapour, which is at zero, as well.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:51.72,0:23:53.44,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, very good.\NYou must have some points for that.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:53.72,0:23:55.60,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and this round of applause.\NThank you very much.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:23:55.92,0:23:58.28,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)\NYou'll like that.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:01.20,0:24:02.84,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,That was a consolation point.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:03.16,0:24:05.24,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,And, in particular, because it's for\Nthe private moment I had there,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:05.64,0:24:07.64,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,where I remembered when\NI was told that, in school, at 16,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:08.04,0:24:09.16,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,and went,\N'When the (BLEEP)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:09.44,0:24:10.96,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,am I ever gonna use\Nthat piece of information?'
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:11.16,0:24:13.60,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh! Hooray! It happened. You see?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:13.92,0:24:16.28,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,But here's one - which is colder,\Nminus 40 Centigrade,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:16.56,0:24:17.92,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,or minus 40 Fahrenheit?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:18.20,0:24:19.84,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Minus 40 Centigrade.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:20.12,0:24:22.00,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,No, they're both actually exactly\Nthe same. They're both the same.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:22.32,0:24:23.60,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,The one point\Nat which they're the same.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:23.84,0:24:25.12,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It's where they meet.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:25.44,0:24:26.60,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,So which came first,\NCelcius, or Fahrenheit?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:26.84,0:24:28.04,s3,,0000,0000,0000,,Fahrenheit came first.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:28.36,0:24:29.52,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,The interesting thing\Nabout the British
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:29.80,0:24:31.76,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,is, what we do is, we use Centigrade\Nwhen it's cold,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:32.04,0:24:33.68,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and we use Fahrenheit when it's hot.\NYes.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:33.96,0:24:35.56,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,So we go, 'Ooh!'\Nwhen it's hot in summer,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:35.76,0:24:37.04,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and goes to the 90s, it's '92'.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:37.32,0:24:40.12,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,But when it's really cold, we go,\N'God, it's minus three! Minus five!'
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:40.44,0:24:43.72,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,You don't say, 'It's 28,' which\Nis what it would be in Fahrenheit.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:44.04,0:24:45.76,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,We do.\NWe're very consistent, aren't we?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:46.08,0:24:49.52,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, from that, to,\Nwhat did Mussolini do?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:49.80,0:24:51.04,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Generic mobile phone ringtone)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:51.36,0:24:53.60,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Made the trains run on time.\N(Siren sounds, alarm bells ring)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:53.80,0:24:55.52,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:24:58.20,0:24:59.84,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,No, he didn't.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:00.24,0:25:03.08,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,You could argue he made\None particular train run on time.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:03.36,0:25:06.16,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,In 1922,\Nthere was a general strike in Italy,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:06.48,0:25:07.88,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,much to the annoyance\Nof many Italian people,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:08.16,0:25:09.96,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and certainly to the annoyance\Nof the king, Umberto.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:10.28,0:25:13.08,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And the Fascists,\Nwho were led by Mussolini,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:13.32,0:25:15.08,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,were gathered in Naples,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:15.36,0:25:16.84,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and Mussolini\Nmade this ferocious speech,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:17.16,0:25:20.36,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,saying, 'We shall march on Rome,\Nand we shall sort this out.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:20.64,0:25:22.36,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,We shall seize power\Nif we are not offered it,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:22.60,0:25:23.88,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and we shall end this strike.'
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:24.20,0:25:26.48,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And 'Roma, Roma, Roma, we shouted.'\NAnd the famous march on Rome began.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:26.76,0:25:30.52,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Mussolini himself went to Milan.\N(Chuckles)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:30.84,0:25:32.56,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Didn't go on the march,\N'cause he was rather scared.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:32.76,0:25:34.72,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,He was quaking in his jackboots.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:35.04,0:25:36.52,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,But it turned out\Nto be a great success.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:36.72,0:25:38.00,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And the king offered him power,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:38.28,0:25:41.08,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and said he must get on the train\Nfrom Milan, where he was, to Rome.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:41.36,0:25:43.72,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and I will\Noffer you the prime ministership.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:44.04,0:25:45.92,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,So he rang up\Nthe stationmaster at Milan,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:46.20,0:25:48.40,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and said,\N'This train has to run on time.'
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:48.68,0:25:50.80,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And it was the one train\Nhe definitely made run on time.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:51.04,0:25:53.00,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,But all the other improvements\Nin the Italian transport system
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:53.28,0:25:54.68,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,were actually made\Nbefore he came to power.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:54.96,0:25:57.40,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,Garibaldi -\Nthat's a type of biscuit.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:57.60,0:25:59.44,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It certainly is a type of biscuit.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:25:59.72,0:26:02.00,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,And it cracks.\NThat's the difference.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:03.80,0:26:06.92,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,You can't crack a cake.\N(Laughs) No.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:07.20,0:26:09.40,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Good. Well, that's all very\Nexciting. That's Mussolini for you.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:09.72,0:26:11.96,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,No evidence that he made the Italian\Ntrains run on time at all.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:12.24,0:26:13.48,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Let's have another question.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:13.80,0:26:17.92,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Which eye\Ndid Nelson wear his eye-patch on?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:19.92,0:26:21.52,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Anybody have a thought?\N(Generic mobile phone ringtone)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:21.72,0:26:22.96,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes?\NThe right eye.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:23.16,0:26:25.72,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Siren sounds, alarm bells ring)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:26.00,0:26:28.40,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It was a little unfair...\NHe didn't wear one.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:28.68,0:26:29.88,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,He didn't wear one, ever.\NOh.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:30.12,0:26:31.40,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,He never wore an eye-patch.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:31.68,0:26:33.16,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,Never wore an eye-patch -\Nhe just went like that.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:33.48,0:26:36.28,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes. Only in Ladybird books\Ndid he wear an eye-patch.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:36.48,0:26:39.16,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,He was a very strange man, Nelson.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:39.48,0:26:43.28,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,He bought, for about 25 shillings,\Nthese silver stars.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:43.56,0:26:46.72,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,He was given all kinds of titles\Nby the King of Naples,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:46.96,0:26:48.92,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and he bought them all,\Nand put them on a sash,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:49.20,0:26:52.48,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and stood on the quarterdeck\Nof the Victory like this,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:52.76,0:26:54.88,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,covered in shining stars.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:55.20,0:26:58.00,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,And, from 50 feet away,\Nthe French shot him,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:26:58.32,0:26:59.84,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,not surprisingly.\N(Laughter)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:00.12,0:27:03.92,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,He never actually lost an eye.\NHe just lost the sight of his eye.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:04.20,0:27:06.92,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Did you know that Lady Hamilton\Nwas vastly overweight,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:07.20,0:27:08.60,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and had a Lancashire accent?
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:08.88,0:27:10.64,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought\Nyou were gonna say 'overrated' then.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:10.92,0:27:13.40,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I'll give her a six,\Nor, you know...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:15.12,0:27:17.36,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,It seems a bit unfair\Non anyone watching from Lancashire
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:17.64,0:27:22.20,s2,,0000,0000,0000,,that you seem to yoke together fat\Nwith 'and a Lancashire accent'.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:22.52,0:27:24.48,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm only trying to make the point\Nthat it's surprising.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:24.68,0:27:25.96,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,It's not what you think.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:26.24,0:27:29.16,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,If you watch Vivian Leigh play her\Nopposite Laurence Olivier,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:29.36,0:27:30.64,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,in the film...
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:30.92,0:27:32.36,s1,,0000,0000,0000,,She doesn't\Ntalk like Liam Gallagher.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:32.60,0:27:33.84,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,She doesn't say,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:34.16,0:27:36.48,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,'Ooh, I wouldn't 'ave him\Nif he came in a nest of tables.'
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:36.72,0:27:37.96,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:38.24,0:27:41.04,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,You know,\Nit's not that kind of thing.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:41.36,0:27:43.68,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,So that's all from us.\NLet's look at the scores.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:43.96,0:27:47.20,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,In last place, we have Alan,\Nwith minus 20, I'm sorry to say.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:47.40,0:27:49.80,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:52.16,0:27:55.24,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Just ahead is Arthur Smith,\Nwith minus 18.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:55.48,0:27:58.76,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:27:59.12,0:28:03.48,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,On plus two points,\Nit's Rich Hall, on 2,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:28:03.80,0:28:06.20,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,and our runaway winner, on 4 points,\Nis Dara O'Briain.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:28:06.44,0:28:08.40,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Cheers, applause)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:28:12.44,0:28:16.36,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, there you are. So that's all\Nfrom Rich, Arthur, Dara, Alan and me.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:28:16.64,0:28:17.88,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,As they say in Ireland,
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:28:18.20,0:28:20.68,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,may you get to heaven a half-hour\Nbefore the devil knows you're dead.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:28:20.92,0:28:22.20,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Goodnight.
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:28:22.40,0:28:24.36,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: Marked=0,0:28:54.56,0:28:57.44,s0,,0000,0000,0000,,Closed Captions by CSI