QI (2003–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Beavers - full transcript

(Applause)

Yo Great Britain!

How you doing? Good to be back.
Whoo! Let me introduce the band!

On lead guitar, Anneka Rice.

(Heavy electric guitar solo)

And on sax, Bill Bailey.

(Jaunty saxophone)

And Sean Lock on drums.

(Drum solo)

And Alan Davies on the buses.

(Bell dings)
(Stephen) Ahh.



Alan is the conductor, of course.

There are only two rules -
l give points for attitude

and l take points away for platitude.

So, let's get straight down to business.
Question one -

Does the Pope...

eat beaver?

- (Drums)
- Sean Lock?

- l would say yes.
- (Stephen) He does eat beaver?

He's Pope, he can have what he wants.

He can. But can he, as a good Catholic,
have whatever he wants, for example,

on a Friday in Lent?

(Saxophone)

(Stephen) Yes?

- (Alan) l like that, that's good.
- Was that good?



(Stephen) lf you want to do it again, go on.
(Saxophone)

(Drums)

(Guitar)

(Bell dings, laughter)

(Stephen) Thank you.

(Applause)
(Sean) This is like...

(Sean) This is like
the Early Learning Centre.

Well, wasn't there a plan a few years ago

to reintroduce beaver into Scotland?

(Laughter)
(Stephen) l didn't hear about that.

(Sean) No, but the Pope ate it.

lt's said to taste rather like beef, actually...

- They really are like little people's arms.
- (Laughter)

(Alan) They are.

(Stephen) l think that is a person,
that's the Pope there.

(Alan) Oh, l see, on the right...
(Stephen) You're right, his front paws...

(Alan) They are like little hands. But they...
(Stephen) They are, yeah.

That's what the Pope's thinking.
He's going,

- ''Yes, he's got little hands, hasn't he?.''
- They've asked if he's ready to order.''

And he's going, ''Shall l have beaver?''

Here we are,
l mentioned Friday in Lent.

What do Catholics not eat
on Fridays in Lent?

- (Sean) Meat.
- Meat.

- Flesh, as in animal flesh that isn't fish.
- They have fish.

The Roman Catholic church
has designated beaver as a fish,

because it is scaly and lives in water.

So at all these little schools,
primary schools all over ltaly,

they have beaver
and chips and peas on a Friday?

Probably more likely
in American Catholic countries.

The capybara,
which is the largest rodent on earth,

which is a South American rodent,

400 tons of it are eaten
during Lent in Venezuela alone.

Capybaras are likewise designated to be a
fish.

The Pope would -
if he were to eat -

he would probably eat them
on a Friday in Lent,

as he might a capybara.

How would you suppose
you might tell the sex...

- They're only male.
- The male would have a penis.

(Stephen) They have males and females.

Yes, but it's hard to spot...

- The female would have a beaver
- (Laughter)

A kind of a beaver's beaver.

l want to talk about anal excretions.

No, l was just about to...

l was about to bring that point up
because in the anal scent glands

- (Stephen) Yes.
- ..of the beaver, is secreted a substance

- which is actually found in aspirin.
- You're absolutely right,

l'm going to give you five points for that.

- Thank you very much.
- lt's called castoreum...

(Applause)

lt's been used as a medicine
for hundreds of years,

it's called castoreum -

as in Castor the Beaver -
and it contains salicylic acid, as you said.

lf you've got a headache, you...
Rimming a beaver...

Lick out a beaver.

That's right.
But so often, unfortunately,

the beaver's got a headache anyway
and won't let you do it.

So they have to do it to themselves first.

There's got to be a plus side
to rimming a beaver.

''Not tonight, darling, l've got a headache.''
''Don't worry about that.''

My next question is,
if aliens arrived on Earth

to abduct our most successful inhabitants,

where would they look?

(Alan) Neverland.

(Laughter, applause)

- Are they aliens?
- That's the popular...

How the hell did you get a shot of them?

- ls that an alien boy-band?
- lt's Hubble for you.

- A boy-band, yes.
- lt's like Alien YMCA.

They would look and see which was
the most successful form of life.

(Alan) Cockroaches.
(Anneka) Ants.

(Sean) You talking about awards?

- (Anneka) Bacteria.
- Bacteria is the right answer. By far.

On any criteria by which
you judge the success of life,

bacteria win hands down in terms
of profusion, diversity, ability to live

- under extraordinary conditions.
- (Sean) But nobody likes them.

We wouldn't be alive without them,
we entirely depend upon them.

lf chicken had no bacteria
it would be tasteless.

You would not taste anything.
True of almost all food.

(Bill) Cheese, of course.

Only a very small number are dangerous.

lf you were to take a gram of soil,

there are 40,000 species
of different bacteria

in that one gram,
let alone the amount there are.

Each species is as different from each other
as a rhinoceros is from a primrose.

l mean, they're amazing things.

l want you to fall in love
with the bacterium,

they are just the most
marvellous things conceivable.

- (Alan) You've sold me.
- They live in boiling acid.

They live in ice,
they live in nuclear cooling water.

l mean, they can live absolutely anywhere -
under 6,000 atmospheres of pressure...

Where's their favourite,
where they really like to hang out?

They love the human tummy.

We reckon 75% of the bacteria in the
tummy

have not yet really been identified
as separate species.

They're fantastic.

But they do exist all over the place.

What about pygmies though?
Surely pygmies are more hardy,

aren't they? They can live
anywhere in the world?

- (Sean) There's a lot more comedy in them.
- Yeah.

Than bacteria.

Bloody hell, after a warm-up
on my bacteria gags...

So, why do you say that pygmies are...

Well, because you say successful,
you're imbuing them with a sort of human...

No, l'm not, l mean successful
in purely Darwinian terms.

(Alan) There are lots of 'em.
Are they all invisible to the naked eye?

- Or are there any kind of cat-sized?
- No, they're all tiny winy...

l'd like one as a pet -
a big hairy bacteria.

(Laughter)

They look it under microscopes,
some of them.

They have parthenogenic sex
as it were,

- amongst them, each to the other.
- What sort of sex?

Virgin birth, you know?

They divide and split
and divide and...

- Like amoebas.
- (Stephen) Reproduce their DNA...

How amoeba's does
it take to change a light bulb?

One. No two, no four, no eight, sixteen,
thirty-two, sixty-four,

hundred and twenty eight,
two hundred and fifty six... Stop! Stop!

- (Applause)
- Very, very, very, very good indeed.

Well, we come to a sensitive subject now,
ladies and gentlemen - bulges.

Yes. The Latin for a bulge
or protuberance is torus,

which is not only the name
for that sort of doughnut shape

they put particle accelerators in,

but also the technical name
for the fleshy part of an apple,

and many people believe
that the universe is shaped like a torus.

l thought the Taurus was the bull.

No, this is t-o-r, rather than t-a-u,
t-a-u is a bull, but t-o-r...

(Sean) Urrrhh!

Urrrhh! Alan! Urrrhh!

- (Stephen) lt is a homophone.
- Tau-ru-us, to-rus.

Ah-ah-ahurrrh!

This is turning into the most appalling
primary school nonsense.

lt was the charming mistake
of a very... lt's a homophone.

They do sound the same.

And they hate gay people.

- No, that's...that's being silly.
- (Laughter)

No, there's not hatred of gay people,
it's fear of gay people.

Fear or hatred, phobias, yes, yes.

Absolutely. The two are rather...

(Stephen) Yes.

There are all the phobias listed -

there is a phobia which is
a phobia of peanut butter

sticking to the roof of your mouth.

You have to be very good at Greek
to give that a name.

They're all there, A - Z.

And it says at the top, a little disclaimer,

''l don't know
how to cure any of these.

''l've just compiled a list.''
Yes, and they're all there.

Pogonophobia
is the fear of beards.

- ls it?
- The irrational fear of beards.

l don't know whether that means
you're frightened of people with beards,

or you're actually
just scared of giant beards.

There's fear of bees.

- Fear of people is anthropophobia.
- (Stephen) Yes.

Fear of flowers is anthrophobia.

- They're different.
- (Stephen) Yes...

(Laughter)

Well, anthophobia, actually -
as in anthology -

- means a collection of flowers in fact.
- (Alan) Does it?

Anther, a-n-t-h-e-r,

is the Greek for flower,
as in polyanther.

- Oh. See, l thought l was doing well...
- You're doing terribly well...

- ..and he's just trumped me.
- Ailurophobia,

- what would you say that was?
- The fear of being allured.

- Fear of cats.
- ls it?

(Stephen) Yes.

- Rechephophobia...
- Yeah.

..is the fear of not being able

to find a receipt for a faulty item.

(Laughter)

And of course, presumably
every phobia has a philia,

so you could apply the same thing to, say

a love of having peanut butter
stuck to your mouth.

But l'd have thought a little glass of water

when you eat the peanut butter sandwich

would clear that problem.

Ever the practical woman,
she's so right.

You're so right.

l tell you what, there's a fortune
to be made from that cure.

(Laughter)

None of which has anything to do
with the next question -

in the Battle of the Bulge,

who were ''The Stomach Division''?

(Alan) The Germans.

They were a German Division,
a German...

(Sean) A regiment of darts players.
(Stephen) They were a Division.

lt's certainly a good description...

Jocky Wilson, Eric Bristow.

We're clear on what
The Battle of the Bulge was?

The Battle of the Bulge was in Belgium
in the Second World War,

when the allies
were advancing and the Germans

- went for one big counter-offensive.
- (Stephen) Last great counter-offensive.

And it was so successful

that they made a film about it.

(Laughter)
(Stephen) lt delayed the Americans,

it was the largest and bloodiest
infantry battle in American military history.

600,000 Americans were involved,

more than the Battle of Gettysburg,
which had the Americans on both sides.

And it was called The Bulge because?

Because the battle line
was drawn out like that

and the bulge was the advancing army.

That's right, the German counter-attack

made a bulge in the line.

- We're talking about very late 19...
- '44.

1944, exactly.

And so Stalin's Red Army
is pushing east through Poland,

towards Germany,
and there's so few men,

there's so few German soldiers left
after all this fighting,

that they decide that they must use
people who've got a sick note

but it's only for a very slight problem,
like a little tummy bug.

And so all the people with...
who were off sick,

who had stomach problems
were marshalled into a Division

- of the 70th lnfantry of...
- All of them felt a bit unwell.

(Stephen) ..of the Wehrmacht
called the Stomach Division.

- (Sean) And they had to fight?
- Yes, they displayed

- outstanding guts, you might say.
- (Laughter)

- But they were given their own latrines
and their own special diet, and they...

And given a wide berth
by most of the other men.

They were called that because they were ill.

- Yeah.
- Called up at the last minute.

That's right.
Obviously, if you had a leg missing,

or a very severe illness,
you would be exempt.

- But they reckoned that...
- A bit of windy-pops, get out there.

- Exactly.
- Get stuck in, son.

Durchfall is the rather good...
German word for diarrhoea,

which just means literally through-fall.
Durchfall.

Diarrhoea means run through,
for heaven's sake, in Greek.

- Was it purely physical ailments?
- (Alan) No mad ones.

No ones,
like, with a terrible stutter

- in charge of the gunnery, you know.
- (Laughter)

''F-f-f-f-f-f...''
''What? What?''

(Stephen)
Well, no, these were the stomach...

- Did you know...in the Special Olympics...
- (Stephen) Yes.

You know, it's handicapped people's games.

And they allow people in -
Paralympics they're called,

and they allow people in
who are a bit mad as well.

And the Spanish basketball team,
a few pretended to be mentally ill to get in.

- (Stephen) l heard about that.
- They won the gold.

(Stephen) That's right.
(Laughter)

l mean really,
let that be on your conscience.

(Stephen) l know.

And the opponents were going,
''Hang on, he's not mad.''

(Laughter)

''l'm mad, he's not.''

He's going, ''l am mad, l'm mad.''

(Laughter)

So, you're right, it was
the Wehrmacht's 70th lnfantry,

were known as The Stomach Division.

Due to indisposition, they couldn't attend
The Battle of the Bulge itself.

All 10,000 of them
were mopped up by the Canadians.

But what bulges up and down

by about thirty centimetres twice a day?

- (Sean) ls it a fat pilot's ankles?
- (Laughter)

(Stephen) No.

- (Alan) Mount Everest.
- Well, actually, sort of expand that,

the whole surface of the Earth.
- The Earth's crust.

- (Stephen) Yes, the whole Earth.
- ls it?

We know that the seas do,

because of the tidal pull of the moon,

but actually the Earth too
is also pulled slightly.

- The actual physical...
- Can we clear up, once and for all,

how the moon makes the sea
go in and out?

(Laughter)

As... lf you think...

(Sean) No, don't bother.

(Laughter)
(Sean) lt's just tricks.

Objects in space
are attracted to each other

at a ratio which is the inverse
of the square of their distances,

- as Newton made clear in his theory.
- (Laughter)

- But the moon...
- That's too hard, you see.

- lmagine you're talking to a small child.
- All right. Yes. (Laughs)

- l was.
- (Bill) You already are.

lmagine that the sea is made of iron filings
and the moon is a magnet...

Why is the moon a magnet?

Because it has a gravitational effect,
which is a force, like magnetism.

Surely the earth's stronger than the moon,
why doesn't the moon get pulled to us?

Well, it is, in orbit -
it's entirely around us.

- But it's fighting against...
- But it still has a...

We have a massive effect on it.

lf it had water, obviously its tides would...

- (Alan) Be in a terrible state.
- But so as it's over each bit,

it's literally pulling the seas
and they bulge

- and you get the tides.
- Does it pull the liquid in people, though?

- To some extent...
- We are 90% water, aren't we?

- Yeah, there is an argument...
- So are we going...

The whole time?

Never mind Pisces rising
in your Saturn and all that...

- You're absolutely right.
- That's all just a distraction.

The moon's making us go...

- all the time.
- lt's not making us do that

or we would have noticed,
but, in a very minor way...

Some people do that.

We behave a little bit like
a Spanish basketball team,

(Laughter)

Have you ever heard of
a thing called a book?

(Laughter)

They're about that big
and you open them up at the front,

- and there's all the words...
- lt's always good to learn, Sean,

it's never good to mock
people who are trying.

(Laughter)

Hang on,
when you say trying...

No.

We're still struggling under the letter B.

We've had bacteria,
we've had bulge.

- Yes, beavers.
- We've had beaver.

A lot of beaver, but now...

And quite a lot of bollocks.

(Stephen) Yes.
A great deal of bollocks.

We now have a swift buzzer question
for everyone though, fingers poised.

Speaking of tidal bulges,
how many moons does the Earth have?

- (Bell, saxophone, drums)
- Two.

(Stephen) Ohh!
(Alarm)

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!

We did this last series.

But that was last year,
three have been more discovered.

- Oh shut up!
- (Stephen) lt's true. lt's true.

(Applause)

l know it seems astonishing
but it's absolutely true.

- Do you remember...
- (Alan) Cruithne.

Well remembered!
Cruithne is the spelling, exactly right,

but it's supposedly pronounced
''Crueenei'', or something like.

Well Cruithne
was discovered in '97,

and it has a weird
sort of horseshoe orbit,

which it doesn't quite complete,
it bounces like that.

And since then there have been some more.

They've got exciting names,
let me tell you them -

2000 PH5, 2000 WN10
and 2002 AA29.

Those are their names.

Some say they aren't really moons
but what else to call them?

They orbit earth and are,
to some extent, like moons.

They're not visible to the human eye,

so you could argue there's one
or there's five.

But not two, l'm afraid.

ls there any evidence that people
are more bonkers at a full moon?

No. There's been a lot of research
and there's a lot of anecdotal evidence

that you have to lock up loony bins
on a full moon

but there's absolutely no clear evidence
that people behave oddly in a full moon,

So why do l go out killing?

(Laughter)

Good, so, there we are,
it's certainly not two moons.

Which brings us
to the humiliating business

of our General lgnorance Round,
which is how we end our show.

We ask over and over again
the same question -

What did you go to school for?

Fingers on buzzers, please,
lady and gentlemen.

How many points do you need
to win a game of table tennis?

- (Bell, drums, saxophone)
- Alan?

- Twenty one.
- Oh, Alanny!

(Alarm)

lt is twenty one.

No, it isn't, l'm afraid.
The rules were changed.

- What?
- (Laughter)

l know it sounds absurd
but they were.

The rules were changed last year.
lt's eleven.

- (Anneka) lt's eleven. l so knew.
- Anneka knew.

The rule was changed in July 2003.

(Bill) When they discovered
the other moon.

l'll let Alan get five points back

if he can give me the reason.

Two things happened essentially -
they made it 11 not 21 -

and not only that, they've actually increased
the size of the ball by two millimetres.

- What's the reason for those changes?
- (Sean) Larger?

- Yeah.
- (Sean) To make the game easier.

This is a question just for stupid...
just for Alan!

(Laughter)

- To get five points back.
- l can't...

There's one thing.
What do you and l both feed like whores?

- Pardon?
- (Anneka) What?

You and l,

- what do we earn our daily crust from?
- From the...

Feeding that cathode ray tube,
the television.

- Um, er...
- Television.

Television.
The games are shorter.

lt makes it 14% slower,
more easy to watch.

- To watch on the television.
- That's right.

The games are shorter because humans
these days are gibbering maniacs

- They are.
- Who have to go and vomit up a pizza

every five minutes so they can't
watch anything longer.

How many bacteria are there
on a table tennis ball, for example?

Many l should think.

Because they must be
hardy souls, mustn't they?

(Stephen) When you think...

Whoa!

So, first to eleven then.

Yeah, so that's the reason.

What they should get rid of
is that noise of trainers -

if you ever watch it,
it's squeak, squeak, squeak

- (Sean) lt drives me mental.
- Well, that's right.

- That's why l kill.
- (Stephen) That's why you kill.

Now, as a first timer
on this show, Annie,

we've got a question
specially for you.

You're touring in
The Vagina Monologues

and l understand you're something
of an expert in this field.

So tell me, how many vaginas
does a kangaroo have?

(Alan) There's a kangaroo there.
Are they vaginas on top of its head?

(Laughter)

l would say four.

No, actually l'll throw
the kangaroo's vagina open.

ls it none? No vaginas.

- (Drums)
- 800.

(Saxophone)

- 801 .
- (Alan) Anybody in the audience.

- (Sean) Three.
- Three is the right answer. We got there.

lt's a very extraordinary thing.

lt has, in case you're wondering,

that's two up and one across,
in terms of configuration.

l know what happens,
when they give birth...

- Yeah.
- ..the baby crawls

across the mother's body
and goes in the pouch.

Yes, well there are...

There are unborn foetuses
that know that.

- But the question that's more interesting,
- (Laughter)

is that it actually has two wombs,
the female kangaroo.

(Sean) Mm. Yeah.

And it gives birth to a baby, a Joey.
And if it doesn't survive...

- ''Joey.'' lt's called a joey, mate.
- Yes.

Or Joey in a bad Australian accent,
whichever you like.

- (Laughter)
- lf it doesn't survive the year,

then that triggers the birth of another Joey
in the other womb,

which comes out of the other vagina,
the other uterus,

- and so it's like a back-up.
- The third's for luck.

The third one is not understood -
there's two wombs, but three vaginas.

And the male has four penises,
so there's a lot of rummaging going on.

(Stephen) No. How many penises
does the male have?

(Bill) Seventeen.
(Sean) Two.

(Stephen) One split into two.

- (Anneka) Like the devil's penis.
- Known as the hemipenes, yeah.

He's racking up points
in the last round, isn't he?

l've eaten kangaroo and they taste

- very much like wallaby.
- (Laughter)

(Anneka) Can l just also say...

A wallaby is someone who
really wants to be a kangaroo.

Can l just tell you,
because it's quite interesting...

l learned during the Vagina Monologues
that the clitoris

is the only organ
in the male or female body

designed purely for pleasure.

- lt has no other use.
- (Stephen) That's wonderful.

And it has 8,000 nerve endings,

twice the number as in the penis.

(Bill) No, the clitoris,
isn't that for putting...

balancing pound coins on for parking?

(Laughter)

That's either completely surreal,
or l've missed a verbal connection.

You know, those things on a spring -
you press them and they ping back up.

- ls that called a clitoris?
- lsn't it?

Those little things you lick,
you press down, they ping back up later on.

- lsn't that a clitoris?
- No.

- Oh.
- (Laughter)

(Stephen) Two thirds
of your answer was correct.

(Sean) Got no other use?

That's the only thing,
it's just there for decoration.

ln my case, of course,
that's true of the penis too, but...

(Laughter)

From one kid of...

So Stephen, what are you
pissing through these days?

(Laughter)
(Stephen) Don't you love pissing? l love it.

(Applause)

From one kind of unusual birth to another.

What was quite interesting
about the birth of Julius Caesar?

- (Drums)
- Yes?

lt was a wolf,
something to do with a wolf.

- (Laughter)
- He was sucked out by a wolf.

l think there's an unfortunate sort of elision

of Romulus and Remus there,
not Julius Caesar.

They were said
to have been suckled by wolves.

- Yes?
- Caesarean section.

- Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
- (Alarm)

Oh dear, l'm afraid
that's another cunningly laid trap

you've fallen into, Mr Bond.

- l felt that might happen, to be honest.
- A sort of tragic inevitability.

- Something about that felt...
- (Stephen) The fact is...

l'm a bit lemming-like, aren't l?

(Stephen) You're small
and furry and attractive.

Stephen Wright
was born by Caesarian section.

Doesn't affect him,
except when he goes into a room

he leaves by the window.

Julius Caesar
was born by Caesarian section!

No, he was not!

Why is it Caesarian section then?!

A corruption of the word caedere,
meaning to cut.

There was such a thing as
what we call Caesarian section

ln Roman times,
but the mother always died.

- The only way they knew, killed the mother.
- Slash and grab.

Aurelia, who was Julius Caesar's mother,

was known to have lived
well into his adulthood.

So he could not have been born
by Caesarian section.

- (Anneka) So that's not the answer.
- How was he born?

We don't know anything extraordinary
about his of birth,

we just wanted laughing boy here
to fall into the trap.

- (Laughter)
- l'm afraid it worked.

- (Alan) Fair enough.
- l'm sorry.

(Anneka) So, you don't always learn.

(Stephen) lt was purely a trap,
l'm sorry about that.

(Alan) They couldn't do the eyes,
the sculptors in them days.

- (Stephen) No.
- They were just rubbish.

They'd say, ''What do you think?''
And he went, ''Urrh!''

- They haven't even tried.
- Coloured them in, though.

- (Sean) They painted them.
- Painted, quite right.

- Do l get points for that?
- (Anneka) Yes, you do.

Same thing as churches,
which were all gaily painted.

Of course the White Cliffs of Dover as well,
that was all coloured in at one point.

(Laughter)

A big jungle scene. Giraffes...

Oh dear, dear, dear, dear.

(Alan) A massive great mural
all along the south coast.

All the different peoples
of the world holding hands.

All pointing at Westlife
drowning in the sea and going, ''Yeah!''

Did they used to do public drownings?

Why don't they do it
to people on Death Row, drown them?

You could ask for your last meal to be
coconuts and you could form a raft and...

l always think that, bloody last meals,
they always ask for the same thing.

- (Alan) Fish fingers and chips.
- lt's always cheeseburger,

fries and a Coke,
which we, non-criminals,

refer to as a Happy Meal.

- But...
- (Laughter)

l don't understand why they don't ask
for a really stale baguette

and a pineapple, right,

and form like a medieval mace
and just sort of fight your way.

(Laughter)

That brings us rather attractively
to our next question,

because it's not unconnected.

For what offences in the UK
can you still theoretically be put to death?

- (Drums, saxophone)
- Burning Her Majesty's ships in her port.

Oh dear, oh dear,
oh dear, oh dear.

(Alarm)

Arson in the royal dockyards
is not a capital offence l'm afraid,

So, twenty away from you.

- Any other thoughts? Yes?
- (Saxophone)

Puppetry in the royal dockyards.

(Drums)

- Treason!
- Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

(Alarm)

(Laughter)

l don't believe it!

Like a heffalump into the honey trap.
There you are.

There are no capital
offences in the UK.

Since 1999, when Mr Jack Straw
signed a particular protocol -

the sixth protocol l think -

of the European Declaration
of Human Rights.

Treason and piracy with violence
ceased to be capital offences in 1998,

and the death penalty for arson
in Her Majesty's Dockyards

was quietly abolished in 1971 .

Lastly, a distinctly final note,
ladies and gentlemen,

what are dead bodies eaten by?

- (Sax, bell, guitar)
- Yes?

- Er...
- Alan?

Oh, l nearly said worms,
and l bet that's wrong.

- (Alarm)
- Maggots.

- You didn't say worms, did you?
- l didn't say worms!

Worms came out of your mouth,
if l could put it that way.

But l don't think we should
take away those points...

- Maggot...bacteria!
- (Stephen) Bacteria, quite right.

Our dear new best friends.

(Sean) Death beavers.
(Stephen) Bacteria they...they eat us all.

They've been in the body all along
and they end up...

- Or cannibals,

cannibals eat dead bodies.

- Well...
- (Laughter)

Or forgetful grave-diggers.
Where's me packed lunch? Ohh.

(Laughter)

Perhaps the most alarming place
bacteria hang out is the kitchen.

Chopping boards contain three times
as many as lavatory seats and dishcloths...

a million times more than that.

Which is quite scary, isn't it?

There's your bacteria,
who've been a theme for the week.

There's just time to stroll to
the Hall of Shame for the final scores,

which are, in reverse order -

out in front, with seven points,
Anneka Rice.

- Oh, wow!
- (Applause)

And just one point behind,
on six points, is Bill Bailey.

(Applause continues)

And a clear third equal,
on -18 points each,

Sean Lock, Alan Davies.

(Further applause)

Well that's all from
Alan, Bill, Anneka, Sean

and me for this week.

Please do write if you have
something quite interesting to add

but don't write pointing out that beavers
could be mistaken for euphemisms.

We never use euphemisms,
and we think that people who do

are complete front bottoms.

Good night.

(Applause)