QI (2003–…): Season 10, Episode 5 - J-Places - full transcript

Well, good evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening,

and that's the fewest times I've ever
said good evening, and welcome to QI,

where tonight we'll be journeying
to jestinations beginning with J.

And joining me are the
jet-skiing Sandi Toksvig...

The jet-setting Susan Calman...

The jet-engined Bill Bailey...

And, still being probed by
Gatwick security, Alan Davies.

Now let's hear your buzzers.
And Sandi goes...

Susan goes...

Bill goes...

And Alan goes...



Try that again.

No, it's never going to work, is it?

- Flooded it.
- Yeah, absolutely.

Well, let's have an easy one to start with.

Strictly speaking, where does the
phrase Chariots Of Fire come from?

- It's a film.
- It's a film.

- Where did it originate?
- It's something to do with this.

Where does the phrase originate?

- It's a quotation.
- It's a quotation.

From what?

- Shakespeare, must be Shakespeare.
- No.

And... Oh, the Chariots Of Fire.

Wordsworth, Jerusalem,
the hymn Jerusalem.

- You fell finally into our trap.
- Finally!



It took a while.
Sorry, it's the first question.

It was slightly embarrassing
how long it took you

to get the wrong answer.

Yes, I did start by saying
"strictly speaking".

Strictly speaking it comes from a
poem by William Blake, called...?

- Chariots Of Fire.
- No.

I'm ashamed of you.

You must know the first line of...

Erm, I must, but I can't
be arsed to tell you.

Well, you're not English, so that's fair.

And... And did...

- Those feet in ancient times.
- Thank you!

Finally, we got there.

- Oh, I know that!
- Yes!

That's the name of the poem

from which the line
"chariots of fire" comes.

- The tune is called Jerusalem.
- And did those feet...

And it's referred,
mistakenly as a hymn.

In ancient times...

Thank you for starting in my key.

Walk upon England's...

Come on!

Bring... Oh, clouds unfold.

Yes, really what I'm after is,
what does it mean? And whose feet?

"And did those feet in ancient times

appear on England's mountains
green." Whose feet?

- Jesus, surely.
- Right.

So, what is the
story of Jesus coming to England?

- Is there a film about it?
- Yes.

Not to my knowledge.

- Well, then, I'm in trouble.
- The Holy...

I am, as they say, out of this one...

People say now when they don't know
the answer, they say:

"I'm out of my comfort zone."

- Jesus...
- You have been the equivalent of

sitting on spikes for the last
ten years, Alan.

I have yet to discover
your comfort zone.

OK, listen, there is a legend
that Jesus came to England.

And did those feet, his feet,
in ancient time...

And he was said to have gone
to a particular place.

- Was it Glastonbury?
- The audience know. Ah, thank you.

- Glastonbury.
- Glastonbury. Glastonbury Tor.

And he went with his uncle.
What was his uncle's name?

Bob.

- Uncle Bob Christ?
- Bob's your uncle.

Yeah, they were a bit more...

Surely they were more informal
in those times, surely. Bob Christ.

His uncle's name was the same
as his father's name.

- Joseph.
- Joseph.

And he was named after a place.

Is it like working with
very slow children, Stephen?

- Arimathea.
- Thank you!

Say it again so the camera can
get it, clearly.

Right. Oh, OK.

- This is a new thing we're doing.
- Hang on a second.

Hey, hang on!

You had your chance.

- I was just composing my face.
- Joseph of Arimathea.

No, I said it! I said it!

Joseph of Arimathea.

I'm going to throw cold water
over you both in a minute.

Joseph of Arimathea.

Joseph of Arimathea!

It was the first ever
Glastonbury Festival, if you will.

It was that Jesus supposedly came
with his uncle, Joseph of Arimathea,

who is mentioned in the Gospels,

although, it has to be said,
Arimathea is only mentioned once,

and that is in relation to
the place Joseph came from.

No-one knows where it is,

where it was, where it could
have been. Anyway...

It could have been a falafel tent.
Nobody knows.

Jesus was effectively
the first act, then.

He was the first act
ever to appear at Glastonbury.

Was he a juggler?
Did he have bongos?

Was he doing the diablo thing?

Oh, no! He wouldn't do the diablo thing!

He did holistic balancing.

Three rooms of banging scripture.

All right, OK.

So there was a myth that Jesus
and Joseph of Arimathea came...

Supposedly, Joseph of Arimathea
was after tin,

and he came with Jesus, went to
Glastonbury Tor and there's a tree.

Tree, isn't there, the Glastonbury tree.
Did Mary come?

Supposedly, it was planted...
Sorry?

Mary, the mother. I just wondered
if Mum came as well.

- I don't think she did.
- Boys' weekend.

We don't know... Yeah!
Boys' weekend! That's right.

But I will give you 20 points each

if you can mention the two other
places the myth says they went to.

Glastonbury is one,

but they were said to have
gone to two other places.

- Wait! I know this.
- Torquay?

Because there's a group called the
Aetherius Society, and they believe...

Oh, they're your neighbours, aren't they?

They're my neighbours in Devon,

and they believe that Christ appeared
to them on the top of this hill,

and the founder of the Aetherius Society

said he was doing the washing-up
in his flat, and he heard a voice say,

"You have been chosen as the
planetary representative of Earth."

Right.

So, immediately, he went, "Oh, right.
I'd better do that, then."

So he left the drying up?

- He left the drying up to someone else.
- And the putting away?

Can I just ask how much
Bill knows about washing up?

Cos you do it like you're typing.
You did that for washing up.

Yeah, that's how you do it, isn't it?

You just... A little,
gentle caress of each thing...

- And then it's done.
- And then that to get rid of the plates.

- He eats his dinner off old keyboards.
- Yeah.

That's my life.

Anyway, the places were, in fact,
Penzance was one.

And the other was Falmouth.

- Oh, I see.
- And I'm sure he had a lovely time.

- A pasty, did he have a pasty?
- He would have had a pasty.

Now, what can you tell me, as we
were on the subject of Jerusalem,

about the Jerusalem artichoke?

- Well, it isn't.
- It isn't what?

From Jerusalem.

It's not from Jerusalem is right.
That's absolutely correct.

What else can you tell me?
You said it's not from Jerusalem.

- It's not an artichoke.
- And it's not an artichoke.

- Do you know why?
- It's just a lie.

The whole thing's a lie.
It's annoying.

Jerusalem artichoke, not from
Jerusalem, not an artichoke,

you don't know where you are.

The word Jerusalem is a corruption
of what it actually is.

We used to grow them in America.

When I grew up in New York, we grew
them. They look like sunflowers.

Oddly enough, you say America,
it is the only endemic, original,

natural vegetable
from North America.

- Is that right?
- There is none other.

Potatoes come from central
and southern America,

as do tomatoes and chillies.

There are some wild rices that come
from Canada and North America,

but that is the only...

Isn't that bizarre?
In that whole landmass.

'Cause you think of squashes
and all those other things,

- but they're not.
- They're not.

- So if it looks like a sunflower...
- Say sunflower in Italian.

- Giras.
- Jerusalem.

- Girasole.
- Girasole.

Gira, turn, as in gyroscope,
to the sun.

- Girasole.
- Girasole.

- And girasole became Jerusalem.
- The same thing.

We call it a sun because they turn...
And the Greek,

I'll be very impressed if you know
what's Greek for sun...

If I knew what it was,
you'd be more than impressed,

you'd have a heart attack.

Do you know what the Greek
for sun is?

- Helios.
- Helios, OK.

So helio is sun. Turn, turn.

- Heliotrope.
- Heliotrope!

Heliotrope is the right answer,
we got there.

Girasole and heliotrope,
and they all mean the same thing

because it was noted that the
members of the sunflower family

follow the course of the sun.

That's right. A lot of lizards
are heliotropic as well.

Indeed they are. Absolutely right.

Because they're cold-blooded
and they need the sun to warm them.

Katie Price is Heliotropic.

I think... I think...

I think...

- She is, yeah.
- I think Harrow Road's...

I think Harrow Road's Sun Parlour
Tropic is not quite the same.

I met her once, we were on the same
breakfast TV programme.

And I said,
"What are you here to talk about?"

She said, "I've just published
my autobiography."

I said, "Oh, well done."

She said, "Yes,
I'm looking forward to reading it."

It's an odd thing about Jerusalem. For
some reason, it seems to attract things

that just don't seem to be
particularly connected.

There's a Jerusalem cherry,
that's not a cherry.

- It's actually a poisonous nightshade.
- Wow.

The Jerusalem cricket is not a
cricket, it's another kind of insect.

- Vole.
- Uhm, yeah.

Jerusalem sage is not a proper sage.
None of them is from Jerusalem.

So essentially you can put Jerusalem
next to anything that isn't

what it is and then it becomes fact?

Exactly, I'm wearing Jerusalem glasses.

- And I'm a Jerusalem model.
- Yes.

Mountain also has that.
You've got mountain lions.

The mountain cow is in fact a...

Katie Price.

What a pity.

It's actually a tapir, one of those
long-nosed South American...

Oh, yes. The messapia.

Anyway, we're ready to move on. So...

Why might my pockets smell of fish?

They've done that thing
where they take my body

and put it on the head of someone
who looks a bit like me.

I hate when they do that.

God, that's like a dream I had
last night! This is so weird.

It's not like a dream
I've ever had.

But I mean, obviously,
if you're a fisherman...

But if you were a person
of a high rank in society,

a particular society,
your pockets might smell of fish.

- The Fishmongers' Society.
- Well, no.

That's what I mean.

Aside from the obvious professional
reasons why you might smell of fish.

It's a society in which it
was considered polite not to eat,

but to pocket the fish at a banquet.

- Is it Japanese, cos...?
- Yes!

Cos fish, fish, they love fish.

Japanese is exactly right.

Medieval Japanese society,
at weddings and banquets

and other such things, it was right
to drink the drink you were given,

but that you should take the fish,

bring it up to your mouth and then
tuck it away into your pocket.

- I know it seems very odd.
- What?

It's just a social...

I've done that with sausage rolls
for the dogs later.

We've all done it with
certain things, I agree.

But it is an interesting thing, and
they still have a tradition in Japan,

when a baby is 100 days old,

is to take food, sea bream
and beans and soya and rice,

and wave it in front of the baby's
face, but not let the baby eat it.

Wait a minute. So there's people
dangling fish in front of babies?

This is... Right, OK.
What, on a fishing line?

No, no!

From the food cupboard or the fridge,
which in Japan would be filled with

all kinds of different fish,
as you can imagine.

I see, I see. Sashimi.

Sashimi and sushi and all
kinds of other such things.

- In fact, while on the subject of sashimi...
- Weird.

What is the difference between sushi
and sashimi?

Sashimi is raw fish.
And sushi is rice and seaweed

- and that kind of thing.
- Yes, it's rolled in rice.

And the particular thing about sashimi

is not just that it's
raw fish, but that it's...?

- It's sliced.
- It's sliced at an angle.

Huge knife skills are incredibly
important in Japanese cuisine.

This particularly used to be true
in the medieval period.

And in carp, for example,

there were at least 47 different
ways of cutting carp,

which represented different aspects
of human life or activity.

For example, there was
departing-for-battle carp.

So soldiers would have
carp carved in a certain way

before they went to battle.

If they weren't told
they were going to battle,

- the carp was the giveaway.
- Yeah, exactly.

There was celebratory carp.

There was taking-a-bride carp.

- Flower-viewing carp.
- No!

- Warning carp.
- "Look out, carp!"

Moon-viewing carp.

So it was a very important part,
obviously, of Japanese life,

the way they prepared fish.
It's a wonderful art, obviously,

and it's a very popular cuisine
now around the world.

I have an amusing joke
that I always say

when I'm in
a Japanese restaurant.

"Bring me a various selection
of things to drink, waiter,

and don't get all sake."

- Oh, you see!
- Hey!

But what actually is sake?
What is sake?

- Rice...?
- Rice wine.

- Rice wine, you said, Alan?
- Yes, rice wine?

Alan came in first with rice wine.

- He said it!
- Yeah.

It is not rice wine.

- Oh.
- No.

Is it from Jerusalem?

The actual word "sake" simply
means alcoholic drink.

But the sake we think of as sake
is in fact a kind of beer.

The word they use for the drink
we call sake is "Nihonshu",

which means Japanese liquor.
Nihon, as in Nippon.

Anyway, originally,
people would just chew rice

and spit into a large container,
and the enzymes from the spittle

would cause the breakdown
of starch into sugars,

which would cause the fermentation,
which would make the sake.

So it is actually a
strong beer, not a wine.

A wine is a fruit-based drink,
usually grape, obviously.

What other kinds of particularly
Japanese things

can you do to
food to make it Japanese?

- You can put it in tempura.
- Tempura.

Funny you should say that cos tempura
was actually introduced to Japan,

and I will give you ten points
if you can tell me which nation

taught the Japanese to batter things,
which is essentially what tempura is.

Scottish.

You'd think, wouldn't you?
You would think.

Surely there's a
ginger-haired man somewhere,

in one of those medieval scrolls,
just going...

- "Do you want to deep-fry that?"
- Yeah.

"That would be magic, it really would."

- "Have we got any eggs?"
- Oddly enough not, no.

It was the Portuguese.

- Portuguese!
- The Portuguese.

Also, the name vindaloo is originally
from Portuguese origin, from Goa.

Is it? I thought that was a French...

- Vin de loo - toilet water.
- Goa, as you know, was...

But there you go. Anyway, so lots of
interesting things about Japanese food.

Now, what do people in Java
use for a quick pick-me-up?

Now, well. See? Ah.

- That's a happy looking man, there.
- Not gonna say.

- Go on.
- No.

OK? Come on. In for a penny.
Go on.

What was it?

Oh, you are so canny.

- Coffee.
- Coffee, there we are.

Coffee does not pick you up.
You may think it does.

If you drink coffee regularly,
you get withdrawal symptoms

and all coffee does is put you
back on the same level

than a non-coffee drinker is on.

It doesn't speed your reflexes,
doesn't help you concentrate,

doesn't do anything.
It can cause anxiety.

- That's the worst of it.
- Shocker.

It's a kind of wired anxiety,
but it isn't is a pick-me-up

- or an energiser.
- Stimulus.

It's not a stimulant in that sense.

What most scientists recommend is
that you either drink coffee regularly,

in which case you satisfy your body's
need and withdrawal symptoms,

or you don't drink it at all.

- The problem most people have...
- They're not getting on, are they?

..is when they suddenly go on
a bit of a coffee jag,

and go to a country that does
very good coffee

so they have a lot of ristretto,
or whatever

in Italy and then come back to
England, and then don't have any,

then they have one again,
and that's what screws you up.

Anyway...

- Yes, my dear?
- Cocaine.

I think you probably know
that in Indonesia,

the price for drug trafficking or
being found is, essentially, death.

There is a strange habit of doing
something which is supposed

to pick you up,
supposed to cure you.

What happened was that somebody
tried to commit suicide

because they had an illness.

So they laid themselves down
in a particular place,

in order to try and end
their own lives.

- Railway line.
- A railway line is the right answer.

And they suddenly found
that their illness went away

and this caused a rash
of Javanese people...

Lying on railway lines.

- How irritating.
- Yes. Like so. Very irritating.

I know. The joke is that the power
comes from the overhead lines.

There is no electricity
in the rails at all.

I've never seen anyone look
more serious than the woman

- in the blue!
- No, she...

So presumably the pick-me-up part
depends how fast the train's going.

Whenever I see women like that I want
to have a moustache and twirl it.

- Like a proper melodramatic villain?
- Yes, just with a cape.

Twirl your moustache.

And we know the music that
goes with it.

- Yeah.
- Silent music.

- That's the same as the washing up!
- Yes, it is. Yes. Multitasking!

I could be washing up, I also...

Washing-up whilst tying his wife
to the railway line.

And now: Bill Bailey
on the Fairy liquid.

Oh, tricky one - cheese grater.

- Cheese graters, they are tricky.
- They are.

- Brush.
- No, no, no.

Not your fingers.
You use a brush.

I take them to the car wash,
hold them out the windows.

Let their brushes take the strain!

Another thing they do in Java
which they do in other parts

of the world, dangerous sport
involving trains.

- Do you know what that might...?
- Chicken?

- Playing chicken, running in front...
- Not quite, playing Chicken.

- Running on the roof.
- Running on the roof.

Roof surfing, as it's known.
There you can see.

Oh, my God.

That's not so much running
as having a picnic, really.

There are so many of them. What they
started to do was suspending,

just at human head height,
grapefruit-sized concrete balls

so that people would -
bang, like that!

- In order to stop them...
- Start with a grapefruit!

Then say, you know...

No, they're tough in Java.
Believe me. They are tough.

They are. But not that bright.

I'm having a senior moment.
The famous volcano near Java?

- Krakatoa.
- Krakatoa.

- What's the name of the movie?
- Um...

Krakatoa...

- Erupts?
- East of Java.

East of Java, yes.

And oddly enough, it's actually
west of Java.

- West of Java, yes.
- It's an odd thing,

but it was one of the first
big Cinerama kind of movies,

called Krakatoa East of Java.

It was just a bizarre lie,
because Krakatoa is west of Java.

So some producer must have thought,

- "I don't like the sound of West of Java."
- "It's not going to sell."

"What can we do? We can take
it north. North, south?"

"East! East, it's going
to be fantastic."

So, within ten years, tell me
when this great huge explosion?

- 1883.
- 1883.

1882.

Right.

Ladies and gentlemen, viewers
at home, brace yourselves.

Oh, hello.

The explosion, the great enormous,
gigantic eruption of Krakatoa

- was in 1883.
- I thank you.

- I saw a documentary about it.
- May I just say...

WTF?

There was a documentary about it
on the BBC and they re-enacted it.

Well, well remembered! I mean, it's
not an easily, not particularly...

I don't normally remember anything.

It was the loudest sound,
apparently, that has ever existed,

or at least as far as we know,
certainly within human reckoning.

So, four atomic bombs
is sort of the average...

Oh, no! It was 13 times greater
than the Hiroshima bomb.

Wow!

Five cubic miles of rock
was spewed into the air,

and it was heard 3,000 miles away.

You could actually hear
it 3,000 miles away.

And it... Yes!

That's what it sounded
like in Australia.

It reverberated around the world,
the ripples of it, seven times.

- It was a most extraordinary...
- It was winter for years, wasn't it?

Winter for years was actually another.

That was an 1815 volcano.

And it was known as the winter of
1815. You might know, I can tell.

Those who don't know - Bill Bailey
is a great friend of Indonesia,

lives there, works there,
plays gamelan.

- I do.
- Does the whole thing.

The whole gamelan.

So you might know this mountain.

It might have been Tambora.

It was Mount Tambora. Well done.

It was called the year without
a summer in 1815 and, in fact,

about 100,000 people died
of disease and famine,

whereas the explosion of Krakatoa

killed 36,000 people
because it was an eruption.

Wasn't Krakatoa...
Was that the first global event

that sort of was... The news of
which spread around the world?

Exactly. We can see behind us,
Harper's Weekly.

It was a media event
for the first time.

"The island and volcano of Krakatoa
Strait of Sunda,

submerged during the late eruption."

When eventually
a human party of people

arrived at the site,
at what was once a gigantic volcano

that had just exploded, they found -

and I'm including both vegetable
and animal matter here -

one living creature.

And I will give you ten points
if you can tell me the species.

- Was it a spider that they found?
- Yes!

- It was a spider.
- What's going on?!

Everybody's brilliant.

Bravo.

Absolutely marvellous.
Everybody's on cracking form here.

You really are doing superbly well.

Was the spider going,
"Ooh, it's hot"?

It was indeed.
It was using two legs at a time.

- Anyway...
- Like this.

- So it was doing the washing-up!
- Yes, it was.

It's the Jerusalem washing-up spider.
I didn't know you knew that.

Anyway, moving on.

So, what was the most hurtful thing
Rambo's boyfriend did to him?

Right. I've seen this film. It's a
bootleg, it's very different from...

Rambo's boyfriend?

I'm being very naughty -
the picture is being very naughty.

When I say Rambo,
I really mean Rimbaud.

Rimbaud!

So when I say Rimbaud,
who do I mean?

- You mean, of course, him.
- But who is he?

- Rimbaud. Somebody French.
- He looks off his head on something.

- "Somebody French."
- Arthur?

- Arthur.
- Arthur.

- Rimbaud.
- Arthur Rimbaud. Who was?

- He was a great writer, wasn't he?
- A poet.

A great poet, but very rare
inasmuch as...

Got that right! Can't believe it.

We're used to Beethoven and
Mozart, and other musicians

being extraordinarily
prodigious at an early age.

It's very rare for a poet.

The greatest work that Rimbaud
wrote, and he was a great poet,

was between the ages of 17 and 21.

He was extraordinarily beautiful.
According to a school friend,

"He had eyes of pale blue,
irradiated with dark blue,

the loveliest eyes I've ever seen.
He was a brilliant student."

"He won a regional
poetry competition,

in spite of sleeping through
the first three hours of the exam."

Oh, I've done that.

At 16, he ran away from
home with no money,

and then between the ages of 17
and 21, just four years,

he had this extraordinary
flowering as poet.

But, in doing so,
he shared his life with someone.

He had a passionate, tumultuous
affair with...

Katie Price.

His dates were 1854 to 1891.
So he died at 36, 37.

And he was of a homosexual persuasion?

A child prodigy, he was gay.

Oh, well, don't know
anything about those people.

And in fact there is a blue plaque
to him in London,

where he shared a short-ish time with his
lover, who was also a poet, a famous poet.

Oh. Gerard de Nerval.

No. What?

- Gerard de Nerval was a fascinating man.
- He was.

I very much enjoyed the way
you said that.

"Je suis le veuf, l'ancontre.
Le tenebreux."

And he also famously had a pet lobster...

He did indeed.

That he used
to take for walks on a lead.

"Vite, vite, monsieur!"

- "Monsieur Clicky."
- Stay with it! Stay with it!

"Alors!"

Stay with it, because it's ...

"Non!"

- "J'ai fatigue."
- "Non! Allez vite."

- "L'eau, s'il vous plait. L'eau!"
- "Non."

"Non, pas de l'eau.
Non. Le artichoke."

"Le Jerusalem"

I never thought I'd see the day

when Bill Bailey force-fed
Gerard de Nerval's lobster

with a Jerusalem artichoke,
and yet the day came.

Anyway, let's just return
to this other poet,

who was the lover
of the young Verlaine.

- Oh, sorry.
- Verlaine!

Did I ever give that away!

Now, there, on the left is Verlaine,

the one who looks slightly
like John Malkovich.

- In the middle is the boy wonder.
- Rimbaud.

Rimbaud, and on the right is...
Erm, I can't remember his name.

- That's Robert De Niro, isn't it?
- It is Robert De Niro, yes.

It is a bit, isn't it, on the right.

It's Robert De Niro, that's who it is.

It's like a 19th-century ad
for a hairdresser's,

of all the different styles you can have.

Is that the same person in that picture

- as it was in the one before?
- It is.

- Jeez. Air-brushing.
- I know.

But they went to live in
Camden for a short while

and there is a blue plaque
in Camden that says,

"Arthur Rimbaud and Paul Verlaine,
poets and lovers, lived here."

It was the first blue plaque
to celebrate a gay couple,

which is rather sweet. Anyway,
that's the story of these two.

It so happens that Paul
Verlaine wrote a poem

of extraordinary international
importance, whose opening lines are?

"And did those feet"

"In ancient times..."

- No, I'll tell you what they are.
- "Walk upon England's..."

"Les sanglots longs
de violons de l'automne."

"Blessent mon coeur
d'une langueur monotone..."

"Sur le pont d'Avignon..."

I didn't realise you
wanted it in French!

No, no. It seriously is internationally
important, that poem.

How can that be that those
first lines changed history?

It's the internationale...

I will do it in a voice that might
give you a hint.

"Les sanglots longs
des violons de l'automne..."

Yes?

It's the start
of the Eurovision Song Contest.

No.

That, as we know, Beethoven's 9th
Symphony begins that...

- Dammit!
- No.

- It was a code.
- A code.

- A code to "le resistance".
- Yes!

It was a code to the resistance that
the D-Day landings were beginning

and that the resistance
should begin their sabotage.

- That was the signal.
- They went, "finally!"

So it was rather wonderful.

So French hearts beat a little quicker
when they hear these four words.

What kind of camp person
decided that was the code

- they where going to use?
- It's a very famous poem -

it would be like saying "Shall I compare
thee to a summer's day?" or whatever.

Anyway, we thought you'd like
to know about it, but why...

Yes, quite interesting.

The question was how
did the lover hurt Rimbaud?

- Shut his fingers in the door.
- Yeah.

- Worse than that, he had a tumultuous...
- "Oh, it does nip".

..passionate, jealous rage and shot
him in the wrist.

- In the wrist?
- Yes.

Whilst he was masturbating.

I'm gonna move on, because
you're just simply misbehaving.

- It's for the best.
- Anyway.

I am so out of my comfort zone.

It's all good information
that is well worth knowing.

Arthur Rimbaud was shot in
the arm by Paul Verlaine.

Now, on to one of the delicacies
of Jamaican cuisine,

I think we all know
how to make cock soup,

but how would you
make mannish water?

Sorry, I don't know
how to make cock soup.

- I don't like cock soup.
- I don't know what... Really...

- Cock-a-leekie.
- Oh, right! Oh, OK.

Cock-a-leekie.

- It's good, chicken soup.
- Oh, I see. Is that what it is?

- A cock is a chicken.
- Cock is a chicken, yeah.

What can you have been thinking?

I don't know, I thought it
was some terrible euphemism.

What, a euphemism for pheasant?

I don't...
Yes! Yes, that's it, pheasant.

Well, cock soup is chicken soup.
Cock-a-leekie.

- Cock-a-leekie soup.
- You've had cock-a-leekie in Scotland.

- I have had cock-a-leekie.
- Yes, you've had a leaky cock. Hey!

No, shush and because...
No, listen, now. Mannish water...

It's like Frankie Howerd
was in the room.

- "No, no."
- "No, don't."

- "Stop it."
- "Oh, no."

Shush! No.

- "Don't."
- No.

"Missus! No."

Big belly laughs from all men
with big bellies

and we'll have little titters from... No!

All right.

- Don't you remember that one?
- "Oh!"

Stop it! Mannish water...
Come on, we're in Jamaica.

- Mannish water.
- Yeah.

Is it some kind of a soupage
of some kind?

- Yes.
- It's a soupage.

- Mannish water.
- It's Jamaican, is the point.

- Jamaican soupage.
- Yeah.

Right, so Jamaican food is
what you're looking for?

- Coconuts, plantains.
- It's mannish, though.

The point is they want to be male,
so they're gonna eat male animals.

Oh, OK, so it's a...

- And what food is common in...
- Rice and peas.

- Yes.
- Rice and peas, flying fish.

- Anything else?
- Goat, and...

- Goat! Yes.
- Entrails of goat.

That's it. So all the
male parts of a goat -

and a male goat is the important
thing - makes mannish water.

It's also called goat's head soup.

Does the phrase goat's head soup
mean anything to you?

Er, yes, that I'm not hungry,
is what it means.

- Anything else?
- It's an album, isn't it?

Thank you.

Goat's Head Soup,
by what's his name?

- It's not his name, their name.
- Oh, God!

The greatest rock 'n' roll band in
the world, they call themselves.

The Proclaimers!

And you can walk another
100 miles for...

Oh, I love The Proclaimers.

No, I'm very fond of The Proclaimers,
but The Rolling Stones...

Rolling Stones!

In 1973, produced an album
called Goat's Head Soup,

because they recorded
the album on Jamaica.

And do you know why they
recorded the album on Jamaica?

- Island Records.
- Because they were mad for the soup.

- They where...
- Nope!

Because it was about the only
bloody country on Earth

where they weren't banned from.

It was around the time of a lot of
the drugs and all the rest of it,

so they were allowed in Jamaica

and made an album called
Goat's Head Soup,

which is another word
for mannish water.

And its ingredients, should you
wish to make it, are goat's head,

feet and intestines,
served with bananas and spices.

It's supposed to be an aphrodisiac.
It's supposed to man you up,

that's the point.
Hence mannish soup.

There's also cow cod soup,
made of bull's penis,

chilli peppers and bananas,
cooked in white rum.

Which sounds rather nice.

- That is nice.
- I like the sound of that.

- I'll pop to Lidl in the morning.
- Yeah.

Anyway, that's
mannish water for you.

Where are fathers often barely
older than their sons?

Barely...

When I say barely older, they can
be only a day older than their son.

- In the insect world.
- No, I'm talking about humans.

- Humans?!
- Yeah.

- It sounds impossible.
- Adoptions.

Adoptions. And there is a country
in which 98% of all adoptions...

are of adults, not of children.
In which country?

Japan.

And it begins with J.
And it is Japan.

And in Japan, it is
very traditional to adopt

an adult young man - aged between
25 and 30 is roughly the average.

So you have to find one
without parents, presumably.

No!

Oddly enough, you, as it were, adopt
them from their own real parents.

Because you are rich and successful.

- It's called stealing.
- And the reason...

- It sort of is.
- It's the transfer system.

It is basically an open market
transfer system.

- It's like the Premier League.
- And it is for the same reason.

It is business. If your own son
is a bit of a clod,

and I'm afraid it is
a male business this,

and you run a business, and you want
it to stay a family business,

what you tend to do is adopt
a young man who is very bright

and you'll probably marry him
to your daughter.

There is a saying,
"You can't choose your son,

but you can choose your son-in-law."

You can adopt someone as their son
and then marry them to your daughter?

I know it's weird.
But it is the Japanese way.

Wow. That would take off in Norfolk.

So, for example,
the current chairman of Suzuki,

one of the largest
corporations in Japan,

is the fourth adopted son
to have run the company.

So he is a Suzuki, that is to say
his father was someone

who was adopted by someone
who was adopted by someone

who was adopted by a Suzuki.

And they're not blood related, but
they have become the adopted child.

But there you are. Only 2% of
adoptees in Japan are infants.

Only two, the rest, 98%, are males.

- All males?
- All males.

And for that reason -
to continue the line.

- That's ongoing?
- It's ongoing to this day. Absolutely.

Now, here are two towns behind me.

They both begin with J.
Why are they blue?

- Oh! Now, I know this.
- Yes?

- Well, I know one of them.
- Go on, then.

I've got a Smurf collection,
I've had it many years.

When I was younger, I used to
collect Smurfs, it was my hobby.

I've got a Smurf village,
I created when I was younger,

it's still there,
reminds me of the bad times.

- And the good times.
- Right.

Now, and if this is wrong,
I'm going to look like a total twat.

The thing is, you'd look like a twat
even if you're right.

- Yeah.
- Carry on, yeah.

No, because knowing this is
so deeply sad. Yeah, carry on.

OK, so I love Smurfs
and everything about Smurfs

- and Smurfette and everything else.
- Yeah.

When they did the premiere
of the Smurf film,

they painted a town somewhere -

I think it was Spain, near Marbella,
or something like that -

blue, for the premiere of the film.

And then afterwards they said,
"We'll paint it back,"

and the residents had had
such a lot of tourism,

and they dubbed the mayor Papa
Smurf, which he was delighted about!

But they had a referendum to see if
they wanted to keep their town blue,

because they thought
it was quite cool.

And, cos that's Smurf,
because it was Smurf Town,

which sounds amazing,
cos I love the Smurfs.

- I like it. It's that one on the right.
- You are 100% correct!

Come on!

The only thing...

The only thing that
would add 20 points

- was if you knew the name.
- 20 points? Oh!

Will you not destroy the set?

Yes, you've broken it.

- Just tell me the name of the town.
- Juarez, was it Juarez?

- No, that's in Mexico.
- We're talking about Spain.

- Jojoba.
- Jerez.

- Jerez.
- No, that's...

- That's...
- Jomin? Juan.

All right, it begins with
"J". I'll give you that.

- Is it Jipswich?
- Jojoba?

- Is it Jerusalem?
- It's not Jerusalem.

Ji... Jiby.

- No, it's called Juzcar.
- Oh!

The next thing I was going to say.

Juzcar, spelt J-U-Z-C-A-R,
Juzcar, with an accent on the U.

Was the other town Jaipur?

- Yes! Well done.
- A point!

No, no. No. Sorry. I misheard you.

- It's Jodhpur.
- Jodhpur is the answer.

I still said it before Sandi,
I still said Jodhpur before Sandi!

You said the wrong thing.

No, no! I said Jodhpur,
I still said Jodhpur.

You're quite right, it's Jodhpur.

So we're going to go back
to a picture of Jodhpur.

Why is Jodhpur blue?

It's to do with the caste system.

Yes.

It's to do with indigo, indigo being
the colour of the Brahmin.

The Brahmin,
which is the highest caste.

It was to distinguish their houses
and everybody thought it a good idea.

There is also a pink city.
Can you name a pink city?

- Jaipur.
- Yes!

There you go.

- And there it is.
- There we are.

It was built in pink stone

and it was painted pink
for a very particular reason.

- I wonder if you can...
- Prince Albert, wasn't it?

Yes, Prince Albert Edward,
who later became Edward VII.

He was coming to visit and they
thought, "Let's paint it pink."

In the 1870s, painted it pink
in his honour. Anyway, there we go.

Jodhpur and Juzcar are both painted
blue, one by tradition,

the other for a Smurfs film.

Now, what would you keep in
a 14-tonne jar with no lid?

- Biscuits!
- Yeah.

Biscuits. A lot of biscuits.

- A lot.
- 14-tonne jar.

I have difficulty imagining
how big that would be.

Vast. 14 tonne is heavy, but it's only...

- It's a BIG thing.
- It's only six or seven lorries.

Well, six lorries.
Well, four lorries.

- It depends how big the lorry is.
- Yes.

- I mean, you know...
- Jam.

You get a two-tonne truck, so
if you're talking about a 14 one...

It's not a jam jar, no.
It's a jar...

Tadpoles.

They're known as a jar
to archaeologists,

- if that's any use to you.
- Ah, yes.

I did archaeology at university

and there's quite a lot of things
we don't know what they're for.

- Yes.
- And I think this is one of those.

Might you be able to place it
on the map?

I think it's in Laos.

You are damn well spot-on. I am
so impressed with you lot today.

Although you've been occasionally
just a little bit facetious,

you have also come up with some
stonkingly correct answers.

What they now think,
no-one knows what they were for,

and then Marco Polo described them.

And we now think they're for
making goat's head soup.

You're absolutely right.

They're on the plains of Laos
and they are made of granite

and they are human made.
No-one knows how they made them.

Granite is not an easy stone
to work with.

You make a nice kitchen surface
for it, lovely for slicing, slicing...

Slicing.

- Writing.
- Writing.

- Exactly.
- Buying things on eBay.

Anyway, there are 90 sites, each
containing up to 400 of these jars.

And, as you rightly say, we don't
really know what they're for.

The assumption is dead bodies were
put in there, allowed to decompose,

then taken out and cremated

and it was something to do
with the journey of the dead.

But you always have to allow for
the soul of even very early people

and maybe they thought, "If I make
a very big container,

the gods will
fill it for me with bounty."

Yes. Absolutely.

We would always
allow for the dream element.

Absolutely right.

There is often a functional fallacy.
There is always an assumption

things are done for a specific practical
reason, which isn't always true.

The soul is...

It's like the cargo cults in Papau
New Guinea who built whole runways.

The missionaries came
and they had all this stuff.

And the indigenous people said,
"What is it?" They said, "Cargo."

They said, "Where does it come from?"
"Sydney," meaning Australia.

And they developed a God called
Sydney and they made whole runways

in the jungle, waiting for Sydney
to bring them cargo.

So you might find a runway and think,
"What landed here?"

The answer is nothing landed here,
except your dashed dreams.

Yeah. Beautifully put.

- Perhaps that's the case with the jars.
- I think that's beautifully put.

And the fact is that the
most honest archaeologists

say they don't know A:
How they were made

or B: Exactly what they were for.
Your guess is as good as mine

and yours seems to me to be
a very rational and realistic one.

There also may be a corresponding
set of stolen lids...

Yeah.

- Somewhere!
- In Cambodia.

Anyway, d'you know
the capital of Alaska?

- Yes, you just said it.
- Exactly. Thank you.

Very good!
Juneau is the capital of Alaska.

- J-U-N-E-A-U.
- Ah, Juneau.

But there's something unique about it.

It rains all the bloody time,
I know that.

Well, it's not accessible by road.

You can only get there by air or
water. There is no road to Juneau.

Sarah Palin can get there by
walking on the water.

Well, yes.

Can you tell me the biggest joke
ever to come out of Alaska?

Sarah Palin, who can walk on...

Ohhh! Dear, oh, dear, oh,
dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

We're not forfeiting you that,

it was so obvious that we weren't
even going to forfeit it.

Isn't she lovely?

If I had forfeited, I would have
refudiated.

We would have refudiated.

Anyway, the point is, there is
actually a famous practical joke,

an April fool's joke
that came out of Alaska.

It took a lot of preparation
and was rather extraordinary.

I'll show you a photograph that
might give you a hint.

I mean, it's not going to be easy,
but what's in the background there?

- This is a volcano-based practical joke.
- Yes.

And it's one that I read about
and it very much impressed me

because if you do a practical joke
which is, you know,

clingfilm over the toilet,
something simple...

But the person who did
this practical joke...

It's a good one. It doesn't
work for women necessarily,

cos we tend to notice when we
sit down that there's something,

but for men, I tell you, it's a hoot.

There was a volcano, and a gentleman,

and I can't remember his name,
and I apologise.

Don't you worry.

Decided to try and make it
seem as if it was erupting,

- so took loads of tyres...
- You are class.

...and set fire to it and then everyone
came out of their houses and went,

- "The volcano's erupting!"
- Yes.

- Cos it was so good.
- You're absolutely right.

He waited three years until
there was a clear April 1st.

He took kerosene and
smoke bombs and tyres,

and he dropped them down the
crater and set fire to it.

But, in 50-foot letters,
he did say, "April Fool"

and he warned the federal authority.

He called them up, but he forgot
to call the coastguard,

who did panic a bit.

But it was, fortunately,
all taken in the right spirit.

And his name was Porky Bickar.

- Porky.
- Porky?

Porky - that was his nickname.

He was American, so he was
called Porky. Porky Bickar.

And that is, aside from Sarah Palin,

the greatest joke ever
to come out of Alaska.

- It is a good one.
- It is a good one.

I have to say I am very
impressed again with your knowledge.

And that's the end
of tonight's questions.

Let's see how our journey
has panned out.

Well, it's astonishing! Her first ever
appearance, on plus 15, a clear winner

Susan Calman.

And only four inches behind on 11 -

Sandi Toksvig.

And...

impressively, the digitally endowed,
still in the black, plus four -

Bill Bailey.

I'm delighted.

Well, perhaps the best we can say
is, bless him, he did try.

Minus eleven

- Alan Davies.

That's all from Sandi,
Susan, Bill, Alan and me.

Thank you, good night and be
wonderful to each other. Bye-bye.