QI (2003–…): Season 10, Episode 6 - Joints - full transcript

Goooooood evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening,

good evening, good evening,
good evening,

good evening and welcome to QI,
for a show all about joints.

And joining me are the shapely
ankles of Cal Wilson.

The sharp elbows of Jack Whitehall.

The cold shoulders of Jimmy Carr.

And hip, hip, hooray,
it's Alan Davies.

But before we begin, let's hear your
buzzers. And Jack goes...

The finger bone connected
to the hand bone.

And Jimmy goes...

The hand bone connected
to the wrist bone.



And Cal goes...

The wrist bone connected
to the arm bone.

And Alan goes...

The minute you walked
in the joint.

Oh, and then you walked
in the joint.

Joint, J for Joint.

J for Joint, very good.
Excellent. All right.

Well, now, Alan, we're going to
make your life a little easier,

- we're going to lower the lights here.
- I can go home?

Yeah...

Right.

Now, Alan...

Oh, this is unfair.
Alan gets a girl. I've got Jack!

Jack's a girl.



Steady, steady.

I'm going to ask Alan
a very specific question now.

Can you feel your sphincter relaxing?

It's a perfectly innocent question.

I must say, I thought it was
until you asked me.

Well...

What you might have said is,
"Which sphincter?"

Oh, of course. Oh.

Because you may not know this,
but you have many sphincters.

Oh, I know a thing or two
about sphincters.

Tell me about sphincters.

I once had... This may not be
an appropriate story.

I certainly hope not.

I once had a bladder complaint,
this is not STI, it was just,

I was getting up in the middle
of the night to pee.

Why are you looking at me
when you say that?

Because I thought you would understand.

If you go to the doctor,
sometimes they say,

"We're going to put a
camera in and explore,"

and it was in my bladder, there was
a bit of an issue in my bladder.

So they decided to get a camera
and just pop it in my bladder.

And obviously the easiest way to
get in is to, is to...

- Is to...
- Is through the schlong.

Is through the schlong.

And I thought,

I imagined the camera would be
like the width of a human hair.

It was like a pen.

And they fed it in, and it was about
ten years ago I had this...

What..?

And it was about ten years ago,

and it was a lovely nurse
that was doing the procedure,

and as she fed it, she went,
"What do you do for a living?"

She was trying to start a conversation
at this awkward moment.

In a man's life. She went:

"What do you do for a living?"
I went, "I'm a comedian."

And she went, "Tell us a joke."

And it is a matter of professional
pride that I did.

Oh, well done.

They offer you the DVD, though,
at the end,

if they've put a camera
in you, you get the DVD.

But for what eventuality?
My dad got one...

- YouTube.
- ...of the inside of his things,

but, like, when is that appropriate?
At Christmas?

"Oh, let's not watch
the Great Escape this year,

let's watch your dad's stomach."

The Great Escape is presumably
when they pull the camera out.

But then, the reason I mentioned
that is because

there are two
sphincters on the way in.

And the painful bit is when go,

"We're just going to go through
the sphincter,

you might feel
a little tightening."

"You might feel a little something."
Yes, and it's got a camera in it.

I love the way it looks like you're
playing snooker or something.

Just going to hit
the camera into the...

The point is, a sphincter is a ring
of muscle that can contract

and expand, and we'd lowered the
lights so that your eye sphincters,

your optic sphincters will have
dilated your eyes, Alan.

So your sphincters will have
relaxed, we hope.

All of my sphincters are clenched.

There's no photographing
my innards this evening.

They can expand or contract,
excite and delight.

We have an endoscope here
that you may...

No, we don't, don't worry,
it's all right. No, it's fine.

You really were worried.

I did have a similar experience
to Jimmy's in New Zealand.

I was going for a lady's
examination, and so lying there with

this doctor doing the examination
and she's just tinkering away.

And then she goes, "Haven't I seen
you on Thank God You're Here?"

Which is a TV show back home.

And I went, "Yes, but why are
you recognising me now?"

I went to get something looked at,
which was a sort of rash

near the top of my leg,
so it was a slight worry.

It turns out it was nothing,
but I didn't know that at the time,

and I went to have it examined

and he did the thing
where he recognised me,

but thought I was George Lamb.

He said, "Oh, you're that guy,
George Lamb."

And I was about to correct him,
but I thought,

"If that is an STI, I'd rather him thinking

that George Lamb had it than I did."

Anyway, so, you've got,
the other thing is,

you even have within your capillary
system, your blood system,

each has a little sphincter,

so the chances are we
probably have thousands.

Nobody quite knows how many
sphincters we have.

We have thousands and
thousands of them.

So, now, what is this?

- Snake.
- Excuse me?

- Is it a snake?
- Oh dear!

What a shame.

Is it a legless lizard?

Yes, it's the right answer.

- It's a lizard.
- How can you tell it's drunk?

Because it keeps going,
"I love you! You're great."

"That's right! Come here."

- "Don't go, have another one."
- Yeah.

Yes it is. I mean, snakes, you think
of as obviously looking like that

but lizards can look like that too.
They don't have to have legs.

In fact, two thirds of that is tail.

As of a real snake. Now, real snakes
have got these movable jaws. These...

And lizards don't.

I think you're thinking of dogs.

That was uncanny, wasn't it?

It was like a snake was in the room.

For a moment there, I was, "Whoa!"
"Oh, it's Stephen."

Also the eyes are very different.

Snake eyes have this
particular film over them.

Another difference, of course, I
don't have a lizard in my trousers.

Ladies!

Dear, oh dear, oh dear.

Well, um, in England, you get
a particular...

- Adders, vipers and grass snakes.
- Yes.

And, grass snakes.
And there is another kind

which I had in my garden
in Norfolk not long ago,

which is a slowworm. There.

Which is neither a worm nor a snake
but again is a legless lizard.

My brother had them, I think, when
he came back from school once.

He had them?
Oh, you mean in his tummy?

- Yeah.
- Seriously?!

Yeah, and we couldn't
lick the loo seat.

Not that we were licking
the loo seat before.

He was accused of doing
that at school

and we had to get rid of them
because he had the worms.

But that looks a lot bigger.

They accused him of licking the loo seat?

No, because that's how you get worms.

By licking the loo seat?!

- Yeah! You lick the loo seat.
- Oh, the loo seat?

- That's how you get worms.
- I thought you said Lucy.

The loo seat.

You get worms by licking
the loo seat.

That is definitely my first fact of the
evening. There we are. Off to a flyer.

Lick the loo seat and you
will get worms of the belly.

You will get more than worms,
you will get universal contempt.

That's far worse.

You can get STIs from loo seats,
interestingly, Stephen,

but only if you sit down
before the last guy has got up.

STI - is that Sexually
Transmitted Information?

Sexually Transmitted Information
should be a thing, shouldn't it?

It sounds like the late-night
version of QI though, doesn't it?

- The adult after-12 edition.
- Yes, STI.

- Yes.
- STI.

- Provocative questions.
- I like the sound of it.

All right, well, now. Let's play
Stick The Knees On The Elephants.

You should have cards
with elephants on,

and you should have
little red dots,

and you have to stick your red dot
on the knees of the elephant.

It's as simple as that.

It's a little fun art/craft
thing that you can do.

I feel a little bit like we're in,
we've under-performed

and we've been taken
to a special class.

Yes. That's...
More or less right.

Where it's mainly arts and crafts
and colouring-in, and you know what,

you can't fail, we've all done very well.

That's right.

I'm just doing polka dots.

Very sweet, but try and do it on the
knees of the elephant if you can.

I think elephants have got
a lot of knees.

That's my, that's my...
Because, otherwise,

why would you have given us
this many dots?

It is a lot of dots. You don't have
to use all the dots, I may say.

This elephant's actually got the
same thing that Jack used to have

at the top of his thigh.

Turns out it was nothing,
but it was a real worry.

Yes.

I've marked his sphincter
on there as well.

- So have I!
- Well done.

So have I!
We've got matching sphincters.

Yes. All right, so if you'd like
to present and show?

Sorry. Sphincter, eyes, because
it's nice to get to know them.

And four knees.

Can you tilt the cards forward
so they're not too shiny?

They reflect on the camera.

I've gone, I've gone four knees on each.

Are you tilting it forward as asked?
You're not, are you?

I can't get taken down to a lower
class than this, can I?

I'm already doing arts and crafts.

- Dear, oh dear, oh dear.
- These are knees.

Well, I mean...

I've gone knees on
the front, none on the back.

Everyone except Alan has at least
managed to put dots on the knees,

which are at the back of the elephant,

because the front two joints are elbows.

All mammals essentially...

Whoa, hang on, you're going to have
to back up there a little bit.

He's got elbows on his leg...?

On his front legs, yes.
His front legs are essentially arms.

I mean, the bones in his front
leg are the radius and the ulna,

just like ours.

They're essentially walking on their
hands and on their hind legs.

And we may think of elephants
with four knees,

they don't, they only have
the two knees at the back.

The two front ones are elbows.
It seems unlikely, but it's true.

That means my interesting bar
fact that I tell everybody,

that the elephant is the only animal
in the world that has four knees

- is complete rubbish.
- Exactly.

And it's a common fact you'll find
on the Internet and it's a lie.

And any zoologist will tell you so.

I felt sorry for an elephant
the other day.

I watched it and the new BBC show,
Planet Earth Live.

Oh, don't talk to me about that.

With Richard Hammond on it.

Richard Hammond was stood in front
of all these elephants

in one of his tragic
midlife-crisis necklaces

and it definitely had ivory on it.

It did! It had a little thing!

That's probably one of
his cousins. Get him!

They put Richard Hammond out
in the middle of the night

with lots of lions around

just hoping that he would be
savaged live on television.

I'm afraid it's minus ten to
everybody except Alan.

There you go.

That's very good.
So, well done, Alan.

In fact, you got it right,
didn't you, in the end?

No, I didn't, I put two knees,
I thought it only had two knees...

Which it does.

But I put them on the front,
where the elbows are.

Oh, OK, well yes, you get
the minus ten, sorry about that.

We can have here... A man here.

How many legs does a sheep have,
according to him?

Four.

Oh, dear. No.

None.

If you go into a butcher, you
can order a leg of lamb or two legs

but if it was from just
the one lamb, you'd have...

- Two legs...
- Two legs and two drumsticks.

We have leg of lamb and we have...

Shoulder.

Shoulder. They call the front legs
of the lamb the shoulders.

And if it was a pig, what
are the front legs of a pig called?

- Sausages.
- Drumsticks.

No, they're not drumsticks

- Sausages.
- No, they're not sausages either.

Sausages is the best yet.

- Crackling?
- No.

Hands. It's a hand of pig
if you go into a butcher.

The call them hands.

- Hand of pig?
- I've experienced hand of pig before.

I'm sure you have.

I've apologised.
Don't go on about it.

That's why you're on that side.

Exactly. It's a court order.

By the way, how does an elephant drink?

With its trunk.

Oh, Alanny-wannaly-woo.

You know, there's a sense in which,
prepositionally, you were correct,

because it does drink with...

I don't understand what that
means, I'm afraid.

You said with its trunk, you didn't
say THROUGH its trunk.

It doesn't drink through its trunk,

but in a sense it does drink
with its trunk.

It scoops it into its mouth.

Because it sucks it up and then
blows it back into its mouth.

They drink to forget, don't they?

So they don't suck it up or they'd
drown, it's their nose,

like if we drank through our nose,
we would be in real trouble.

You can do Tequila shots through
your nose, though, can't you?

Oh, yes, you can.

You can, yeah. I mean it's not,
it's not a way to hydrate.

No.

You know how sometimes if you were
violently ill and you're sick

and it comes out your mouth
and your nose,

could an elephant vomit
out of its trunk?

I wouldn't be surprised if it could.

And I don't know if anybody's been
cruel enough to experiment on making

an elephant dependent on cocaine,
because that would be, that would be

a pretty extraordinarily expensive
habit, wouldn't it, really?

I view that as the highest
calling of the stand-up comedian.

If you're doing a concert
and you can time a joke

so that someone's taking a sip
and it comes out of their nose.

Yeah, that's... That is...

It's just the best thing when
they've ruined their evening.

Imagine if you made an
elephant laugh so much that

something came out of its trunk.

Or... And, of course...

- And then it applauded.
- I remember...

With its hands.

The front of house staff at the
Savoy Theatre, many years ago,

when Noises Off,
the Michael Frayn thing,

told me that every single day
there were wet seats,

people wet themselves laughing.

Isn't that because elderly people
go to the cinema?

- No, it's not.
- I mean the theatre.

I did a gig in Reading, Reading
Festival, and I was doing so well

on stage actually someone in
the audience wet himself,

straight into a bottle
and then threw it at me.

That's how good I was doing.

- I was that funny.
- Does that really happen?

- Hit me straight on the head.
- Does that really happen?

Monsters of Rock at Donington,
they do that, don't they?

Well, they throw stuff up
onto the stage.

Yeah, full of urine.
It didn't break though?

Well it's like when Bono was meant
to play at Glastonbury

and then he pulled out and I'd been
literally saving up

months' worth of piss to throw at him
and I had to wait for the entire year.

- You poor thing!
- Had about that much, like a vat.

A water cannon.

Poor Bono, he does come in for it,
doesn't he? Bless him. Anyway.

He did his back in, that's why he
couldn't do it though,

which is fair enough because I
imagine my back would be pretty sore

if I'd spent the last 20 years with
my head up my own arse.

Oh, wow. Wowzeroony.

So, yes. Yes, your skeleton is just
like Jumbo's but, apart from that,

what else do we have in common with
elephants, uniquely with elephants?

Tusks. Tusks.

We don't really have
tusks though, to be honest.

- We do, big tusks.
- Walruses and others animals do.

Oh, I'm thinking of walruses, sorry.

Is it after a certain age you get the
horrible whiskers under your chin?

Oh, now, you just said,
what's the last word you said?

Chin.

That's it, it's as simple as that.
Very oddly.

The only mammals that
have chins are humans and elephants.

You may say, hang on,
dogs have chins, no they don't.

They don't have chins.

Look at that real chin bone,
chin bone on the right,

the right, the elephant,
the left, the human.

But no, obviously there's a big
difference but they both have chins.

The elephant one, the actual face
structure looks a bit like

one of those women on Made In Chelsea.

It does!

Because they do, all those women on
Made In Chelsea look like

a horse that's swallowed an anvil
and it's just sitting there.

I was watching it on 3D TV the other
day, and one of them started talking

about her gap year and I was
nearly knocked off my sofa.

That PG Wodehouse thing about the
sort of goofy upper class person

who looked as if he'd swallowed
a laundry basket.

You know, that sort of thick neck...

And a constant look on their face

like they've just forgotten
their own name, like...

That's absolutely right.

And the weird thing is, nobody quite
knows why we have chins, as it were.

We know that they're extremely
useful for various things...

speech and so on - but do we have
a chin because we can speak,

or do we speak
because we have a chin?

So, no-one knows why we've got a chin?

To grow beards on it.

There are things we can do with it.
I agree, we can stroke it.

I am currently peacocking,
which is what I'm doing with this.

- Are you?
- Yeah.

This beard is peacocking.
That's what I'm doing.

In as much as it's an attractive
display to attract women?

To impress, yes, for ladies.

So the ladies in here are currently
impressed by this.

I am peacocking with my beard.
I know they may not be showing it.

I would try and peacock less camply,
if you're pursuing ladies.

It's just a suggestion, if it's
the ladies you want to attract.

- "Oi, babes, check this out."
- That's better, there you go.

"I call it the clunge sponge!"

- Whoa! Too far?
- Maybe. Maybe.

- Split the difference.
- Split the difference.

Oh, dear!

Anyway, the ancient Greeks
used it for earache,

Columbus took 80 tonnes
of it to America

and Henry VIII made it compulsory.

What am I talking about?

Hang on a second,
what's the theme of the show?

- Joints?
- Yes.

I'm going to guess marijuana.

Marijuana is the right answer.
Hemp. Cannabis. Yes.

- So he took 80 tonnes to America?
- Yes.

You're saying he is a trafficker?

You're saying Columbus was
a drug trafficker.

He must've had a very big sphincter.

It was pretty enormous.

Got a joint in his hand there.

Well, as you probably know,

cannabis plant is also used
for the creation of hemp as ropes.

He had tonnes of it just on his ship
alone, of rope made from hemp.

Also, under King James, it was made
compulsory for the colonials

to grow it and use it because
they mostly wore hemp clothing.

Hemp is used as an oil,
a lubricant, all kinds of things.

You can buy hemp oil now.

By the middle of the 19th century,
cannabis was recommended

by the US Pharmacopeia for the
following disorders - neuralgia,

tetanus, typhus, cholera, rabies,
dysentery, alcoholism, anthrax,

leprosy, incontinence, snakebite,
gout, tonsillitis and insanity.

That seemed to be a list of pretty
much everything there.

It did, didn't it?

I imagine, if you went into the chemist,
it sounds like they only had one thing.

"What have you got?"
"Well, I'll have a think."

Well, there's a good word for that -
panacea. The cure all, literally.

They did more or less think it was a
panacea, as they did so many drugs.

They did with heroin
when it came out and cocaine.

Well, in defence of both of those,
it will take the edge off.

There are still people who believe it.

They are very keen for the
legalisation of medicinal marijuana.

It seems weird that we haven't got
medicinal marijuana

but we have got medicinal heroin.

- Yes, isn't it?
- That's an odd quirk. Isn't it?

I suppose so except that there is
no real painkiller available

except the one that
we get from the poppy

which includes morphine and heroin.

We just can't make a drug
that does the same thing.

Mummy's hugs.

Mummy's hugs and kisses.
You sweetheart!

- That's so lovely.
- And if they don't work, heroin.

You've got it spot on the money,
Jack, absolutely.

It is illegal to sell
the seeds of cannabis in America

except in one circumstance.
Can you imagine what that might be?

Is it if you want to grow a beanstalk?

No, it is for birdseed, funnily enough.

Birdseed can have cannabis seeds in it.

Anyway, there we are. So, what next?
Oh, let's have another

pin the something on the
something round, shall we?

Because we enjoyed that last time
enormously, didn't we?

So let's pin the knee on the bird.

So, stick a little sticker on the bird's
knee. That's all you have to do.

Well, it's never going to be where
I think it's going to be.

In the knee bit.

Or it could be a double bluff.

Oh, not a double bluff.

Well, I'm going to put in an early
pitch for there.

I'm going to say it's got
a knee in its neck.

Right.

And that's how it bends its neck,
and it's a little quirk of nature.

Oh, and Jack's put one on his...

You're not putting it on the knee,
where the knee is!

No, because the bendy bit would be...

Oh, no. That could be
like a little camp arm.

But the wings are going to be
the arms this time, aren't they?

The wings are the arms, aren't they?
The wings are the arms.

The wings are the arms.

The legs have got the knees in.

The legs have got the
knees in, definitely.

The knees are where
they bend in the middle.

I'm going knees, I'm going in.

Going in, he's going in,
ladies and gentlemen.

I'm feeling a double bluff.

You're covering the animal
with red dots, Cal. Aren't you?

No, I've just given it a perm.

You're giving it a cock's comb.

There we are, so you've..
Ah, dear. I'm afraid, Alan,

you've fallen into our little trap.

No shit.

Those are not the knees.

People think birds' knees goes
backwards, those are ankles.

Ah, you see.

I thought there was going to be
something like that.

Here, maybe?

There. Now, Jack, points for Jack.

You lose one for the bottom one,
which is the...

Forget that one, in fact.

Is this an unusual flamingo,

in that it's got a duck
coming out of its arse?

It's pretty hard to deny.

Where are the duck's knees,
for goodness sake?

- They're here.
- I'll ask the flamingo.

Yeah. Well, there are
the knees, at the top.

They're usually covered in feather.
And the bottom bit is the ankle.

I know it seems strange.

So there's very real chance, if you
kicked a flamingo in the knees

and the balls at the same time,
that's some pain, isn't it?

Whoa, yes.

Because they must be
in the same sort of area.

Yes. They don't really have
testicles, though, do they?

I mean, they have little sexual parts.

Well, so as do I.

It would be quite an unnerving sight,

as flocks of flamingos flew overhead,
if they did have dangling testicles.

Yeah, boy, girl, boy, girl,
boy, girl.

It would be very worrying.

So, have I got a point?

I think you've got a point,
Jack, yeah. Yeah.

There's an apple for you.

Oh! Oh, I can't tell you
how much that works.

- That always works with me.
- There's more where that's from.

- Bless you. Apple for me.
- Starts with an apple,

next thing you know, you're in
some sort of therapy. Be careful.

Behave.

What did Glaswegian women
lose on their wedding night?

A fight.

A fight!

A fight with a Glaswegian man.

A long battle against alcoholism?

It's, I mean not necessarily
Glaswegian, but I mean...

Oh, their chips.

In the past, it was a very
traditional thing on your wedding,

to lose, almost as a dowry,
and the men would be given it

as a 21st birthday present,
it would be the loss of their..?

- Teeth.
- Teeth is the right answer.

Have them all out in one go,
have a few days of eating milk

and bread and then
have dentures put in.

It was considered a really good thing.

It would save you all dentistry
bills for the rest of your life.

- My mother was offered this.
- Was she?

My mother got offered this
when she was a young woman,

I think she was about 18, she was
nursing in Limerick, I think,

and she went in to see her dentist
about like a back tooth,

and he tried to convince her
to have all her teeth taken out.

He sort of went, "Well, you've got,
I mean, you've got quite good teeth,

but really, it's going to be
expensive over the years."

"You know what,
we've got an offer on,

I will take all of these out and
we can just put in dentures."

"And dentures really are the future."

It does seem a bit odd,
it does seem that

the woman getting her teeth out
on her wedding night

is more of a present for the husband,
really, doesn't it?

There are advantages, you
might say, yes, absolutely,

that there could be pleasurable outcomes.

That was unfortunate!

Stop it and behave. So...

You'd be very good on those
sex chat lines.

"Would you like a pleasurable
outcome with your little sexual bits?"

Let's return to the 19th century
and think about false teeth.

Now, what were false teeth
made of in those days?

Wood.

They were. Wood was used.

- Supposedly George Washington...
- Abraham Lincoln had wooden false teeth.

- Well, yes, he did.
- And he would fall asleep in Congress,

or wherever they sit and they were
sprung loaded, these things,

so if you relax your jaw, the spring
would fire them out of your mouth.

That's absolutely right, they did.

They did have springs,
in France, in particular, they had

holes in their gums with, so they
would sort of hang the tooth on it.

I was looking at my granny the other
day and I had a really good idea, OK.

This is what I'm going to pitch when
I go on Dragons Den, is to create

some dentures that clamp shut every
time they sense racism coming out.

It would be brilliant, wouldn't it?

As soon as she starts... Doof!

You'd get through a lot at Christmas.

"I've got nothing against them
personally, but..."

I think the word, the word
"but" would be the key, wouldn't it,

the trigger word.
"I'm not racist, but..."

Yeah.

- Teeth is the answer.
- Well, yes, exactly.

I think they used teeth.

They did use teeth, but whose
teeth could they use?

Well, either...
Did poor people sell their teeth?

Yes, poor people did sell their teeth.

And also I think dead people.

Dead people. But a particular
kind of dead person.

You were not allowed to
rob a grave.

Are we not?

Not a grave, no.
So there are other places...

- I know, it's disappointing.
- I'm in a lot of trouble.

There are other places where you
might find too many dead bodies,

of healthy young men, usually,
who might have good teeth.

- Oh, battlefields.
- Battlefields is the right answer.

What became known as Waterloo teeth.

It became almost your patriotic duty,

if you lost a tooth, to fit in that
of a dead soldier from Waterloo.

There were these scavengers
who went around the battlefields

pulling out the teeth
of the dead bodies

and sending them back in barrels,
and people would buy them

and fit them into the holes where
their teeth were, and use them.

Barrels of teeth? How many
people died in this battle?

- Well, thousands died at Waterloo.
- Barrels, wow!

Yes, yeah, and each head
had 32 teeth in it.

And the dead horses,

their teeth were sent to the people
from the Only Way Is Essex.

Absolutely right. Spot on.

But right up until the American
Civil War and past the 1860s,

they were called Waterloo teeth,
even though, of course, that was,

the Battle of Waterloo was in 1815,
so it was, you know, 45 years later.

There's a tourist attraction
in Victoria in Australia,

it's called Casper's World In Miniature.
It's also a bit bonkers.

Then you get to the end of it,
you walk into this room

and suddenly you're in this room full
of sculptures made out of human teeth.

Oh, my goodness!

So, crazy things like a tooth
fairy made out of human teeth

and a hamburger made of human teeth

and a castle made out of human teeth!

And the horrible thing is,
because it's food,

you're looking at a hamburger and
you wonder what it would taste like,

and you think about teeth on teeth.
It's very grotesque.

- And this is in Victoria?
- In Victoria in Australia.

And then, we went through this
exhibition, all quite disturbed,

and we walked out
through the gift shop

and there was an elderly man
sitting there eating mashed banana

- because he had no teeth!
- Oh, my God!

I always find whenever
I'm in Melbourne,

I can't get the image
out of my head when they say,

"There's a terrible crime,"
or something like that,

"Victorian Police
were soon on the scene,"

and I picture truncheons,
moustaches, "How now, then!"

You just can't help...

Victorian police just means
something very particular.

- Blowing a whistle in the morning.
- Absolutely.

There's a story you may have
come across in the newspapers

not that long ago about
a Polish dentist.

Does that ring a bell?
A female Polish dentist?

She got revenge on someone by...

Her lover left her.

And she took out all his teeth.

Her lover left her and then went
to see her when he had,

stupid idiot, went to see her
when he had toothache,

and she anaesthetised him
and took all his teeth out.

Apparently, it was in all the
newspapers, but it's bollocks.

Can you imagine, something in
British newspapers that isn't true?!

- She took his bollocks out?
- No, no.

What she should have done is
taken all the teeth out

and then made a little hole in his
scrotum and put them all in there.

Just loose
and then sewn it up again.

Yes, that is a much better idea.

I think we can all agree
she missed a great opportunity.

He just would have had a bag of
teeth hanging around there.

But you can have a look
at this little device.

What do you think that might be?

I think it's a piece of
dental equipment, Stephen.

It's certainly a piece of
dental equipment.

- I pieced that together myself.
- I need that more specifically.

I bet it's a tongue clamp
or something...

- No, it's not a tongue clamp.
-...grotesque.

Oh, is it for snipping open
the scrotum to put the teeth in?

Behave yourself, behave yourself!

Well, presumably to yank
something out.

It looks like a yanky out thing.

It's not a yanky out thing.

Well, it kind of crosses over
and it's got those sort

of cutting things, is it for making,
turning the upper lip into a fringe?

I think it looks like you might jam
it in somewhere, open it up

and then you could put the tooth in.

Ow! No, it's not that.
It's called the masticator.

It's for people who had no teeth,
you first chopped your food up a little

and then you really mash it up.

And so it's ready, you don't
need your teeth to chew.

It basically just gets your
food into a soft pulp.

That's it, exactly.

There was a very common
belief in the...

Ow! You see.

A load of teeth have fallen out!

It's an extremely valuable exhibit
in the British Dental Museum

and we're very grateful to them.

- It's a rusty old tool.
- You could use it on your apple.

- I could, couldn't I?
- Remember?

On my lovely apple.
I might do that.

You're being very flirty, Jack.
I quite like it. So, anyway...

- Yeah, that's...
- My sphincter just tightened.

So...

Not for the first time this evening,
I shouldn't wonder.

That's your masticator and...

It's not your sphincter,
it's your masticator.

So, who's got noisy knees
and a urine-soaked hairbrush?

Oh, who hasn't?!

A creaking knees is something
that just happens to you.

- Really noisy knees, yeah.
- It sounds like a parent complaint.

You know, your knees go and
the kid's peed on your hairbrush!

That would indeed happen, but
this is a very particular species.

- My grandmother?
- We're returning to her.

Your grandmother's not coming well
out of this programme, is she?

- She's a racist...
- Racist, pissy gran!

- Is it a bushbaby?
- No, it's not. It is a mammal.

It's an ungulate, you'll find
it in Africa in the Savannah.

What kind of ungulates
do we find in the Savannah?

Richard Hammond.

Klipspringers. Things like that.

Yeah. Antelopes.

It's a kind of antelope called an
eland, which you may have heard of.

- There it is. Fine specimen.
- I can't see it's hairbrush.

It's hairbrush is
the tufty little bit up the top,

and the bigger and the maler they
are, the bigger their hairbrush.

There it is. And they soak
it in their own urine

in order to face off other males
because it's all about

fighting the other males for the
right to mate and pass on their genes.

And what you were talking about
was your display.

I sometimes soak this is urine.
I don't want any trouble.

That's its hairbrush, anyway.
And it soaks it in urine,

and this apparently is a big, butch
thing to do if you're an eland.

But the other thing is
it snaps its tendons over its legs

like a guitar string, which
makes a really very loud noise,

and the thicker and the bigger
the muscles of its leg,

the louder the noise, and hence
the more chance it has of mating.

A lot of animals do make noises
to attract mates in different ways.

I don't know any humans
that get, sort of, mates by...

'Cause sometimes when you get to a
certain age, you get out of a chair

and something makes a noise,
you go, "Was that me?"

Something creaks. A weird snap.

Or if you squat and go for a low
shelf in the library, or something,

to look at a book
when you stand up,

there's a sound of
crunching gravel as your knees...

I don't know at what age
you start going, "Oohhh!"

When you sit into or get out
of a chair. That's weird.

Yes, it was a Billy Connolly point,
wasn't it,

when you shout to pick
something up - "Aaah!"

So true.

I had my son when I was 38, and
so he's three now, but he's grown up

so that when he bends down to
pick things up, he goes, "Uurghh!"

- Cos that's what Mummy does!
- Oh! That's perfect!

My little girl, if you carry her
up the stairs, she goes,

"Oh, so many stairs!"

And yet, you carry her!

She's copying me.
They were virtually her first words.

I'm only 23 and I got depressed
so much the other day

cos I turned down sexual intercourse

with my girlfriend and the reason
that I gave was cos I had heartburn.

I'm 23! That shouldn't be happening.

She said, "I'll give you
anything you want."

I was like,
"Some Rennie, some Rennie, quick!"

You need PPI,
proton pump inhibitors.

Oh, I offered her one of them as well!

Well, really, that is sad news,
a 23-year-old, you really shouldn't

be using that as an excuse not to
have sex, to be perfectly honest.

That's not good enough. No.
I can recommend a diet for you.

Come and see me.
So, um...

- Anyway...
- I knew this would happen.

- It involves nuts.
- Stop it. Yeah.

There is a new meaning to
"We shall march on Whitehall."

- Who wrote The Cat In The Hat?
- Dr Seuss.

I'm afraid, not Dr "Syooce",
but Dr "Zoyce".

- Zoyce.
- Zoyce.

He's spelt S-E-U-S-S,
it's a Germanic name.

His real name was
Theodor Seuss Geisel.

But there was a Dr "Syooce",
and he did really propose something,

which is still held
to be true today,

and I wonder if you might
guess what that is.

A scientific thing?

It is a very scientific thing, yes.

It doesn't look like he enjoyed it,
though, does he?

Well, like a lot of Victorians,

he does look a bit sombre
and solemn, shall we say.

Jack, Jack, it's a proper beard.

- Physics? Chemistry?
- Hats?

One that transformed the way we
looked at the world, quite literally.

Glasses.

I was trying to stress not "looked"
but "world".

- Geology.
- Yeah.

He discovered by looking at
rock formations and fossils,

there were so many strange things
in common with the way

the different continents fit together.

Was he the guy that did
continental drift?

Not so much continental drift,
which he didn't quite get,

but he had this idea that there
was once one big super continent.

Gondwanaland.

Which he called
Gondwanaland, exactly.

He was the man who named it,
and as you know,

New Zealand was one of the islands
that spun off from it.

India, Africa, and you can see

where South America and Africa fit
together exactly like jigsaw puzzles.

That photo was taken earlier, then?

Quite a lot earlier, yes,
millions of years earlier.

And that's what Dr Suess did,
and he was pronounced Dr "Syooce",

as opposed to
Theodor "Zoyce" Geisel,

who created The Cat In The Hat
and Sam I Am and other such things.

His first children's manuscript
story was rejected 27 times

because he was told it had no moral.

There he is, with his most
famous creation, I suppose.

And he tried different surnames. He
tried, for example, Rosetta Stone.

Which was quite a good idea.

And Theo Lesieg,
"Lesieg" being "Geisel" backwards.

But in the end, Dr "Zoyce"
was the one that caught on.

So anyway, Dr Edward "Syooce"
is the man who first came up with

the idea of the supercontinent
Gondwanaland.

What kind of glass does the
Pope-mobile have in its windows?

Oh, probably, has he got the slidey
kind so he can sell ice creams?

I imagine it plays
the ice cream van music,

I'm not casting aspersions
on the Catholic Church, but...

Now, be very careful.

Stained glass.

Stained glass,
that's a very good point.

- It's tinted.
- How lovely would that be?

Is it tinted so like
when they're all waving,

everyone thinks that
he's in there doing that,

but actually he's cracking open some
tinnies, flicking the v's at people.

What else would you
say about the glass?

You want us to say bulletproof,
don't you, that's a thing, isn't it?

I wouldn't, would I, want you
to say what?

- Bulletproof.
- Oh!

I'm afraid we're being very
technical with you,

there is no such thing as bulletproof
glass, by any manufacturer.

That's cost me a fortune in my house!

It's bullet-resistant glass. They
don't claim it to be bulletproof.

Four inches thick
will do, it's layered with vinyl

and things in between
to absorb the shock of the bullet.

But there's a really clever, which
is one-way bullet-resistant glass,

where you shoot into it
and the bullet does that,

but you can shoot out from the other
side and it goes straight through.

- Well, if that gets fitted incorrectly...
- So the Pope could fire back.

I can't see how that could be possible.

It's because of the lamination. I
can describe it to you if you wish.

It's because of the order
in which the layers are assembled.

The shock absorber layer is on the inside,

with the glass on
the outside, was the reason.

That would be great if you
could be shot by the Pope.

How exciting would that be?

He'd shoot you, "Yeah, you're going
to hell, I've had a word."

He'd definitely do the sideways
thing, wouldn't he?

Just as a matter of interest,

how many Popes does the Vatican
have per square kilometre?

- How many Popes?
- Yeah.

Like, buried or in storage?

No, actually live, living Popes?

- One.
- No.

There's actually 2.27 recurring,
because Vatican City is only

0.44 of a kilometre, so the average
would be, per square kilometre...

Well, I think we have it,
ladies and gentlemen,

the most annoying question ever asked.

I think we've done it!

I understand your point of view,
you're quite right.

Well, we weren't going to get it,
were we?

No, you weren't.

So, anyway, how would you
improve this plane here?

How would you make it a bit safer?

Well, now...

Well, I'm no aeronautical engineer,
but I can see a flaw.

Yeah.

Ryanair just get worse and worse,
don't they?

They do, don't they?

O'Leary would charge you for
the extra air conditioning.

Is it so you get a cheaper ticket
if you bring your own fuselage?

When Michael O'Leary dies, they
should put him in his coffin

and then build a grave that is slightly
too small for the coffin to fit into,

so it's just like that baggage
claim thing

that you have to try
and put the baggage in.

His family will be trying to
shove him in, and when they can't,

"Sorry, we'll have to charge you extra."

Oh, there would be much cheering.

No. This was a rather cunning
insight that when airplanes returned

with, you know, battered and hurt
like that, that one there,

as you can see, has been
pretty badly hurt,

but it came back
and the crew survived.

But the ones that didn't come back
were hit elsewhere.

If you're hit there,
you can clearly survive.

So spend the money
on extra armouring

on the bits where it wasn't hit.

And that's where its knees are.

And there are the fine,
four Merlin engines.

It's good, isn't it?
It's a clever insight.

It is quite cunning.
So there you are.

But now we're going to close,
very excitingly, with a jolly jape,

which I like to
do from time to time,

which is to bring out a really
extraordinary mechanism, a device.

It's called the Strandbeest.

And if you know Dutch,
you'll know that means...

- Er, Strandbeest.
- Yeah.

It means "sexy good times, Def Leppard".

That's all the Dutch I know.

Strand is like English word
strand, beach.

And beest, as in hartebeest
or wildebeest,

is beast, basically. So it...

- A sand beast.
- A sand beast.

So is this like a waiter
that's done loads of tourists?

There's a man called Theo Jansen

who's an extraordinary
artist inventor,

who has created this remarkable machine.

- Do you know about it?
- It walks along.

It walks on the sand
without any electronics

or anything else like that,
just powered by the wind.

I mean, it's really extraordinary.
This is of the things it can do...

No metallic or electronic parts,
remember that.

It can detect the tide coming in,
walk away from the water,

anchor itself by hammering
a pin into the ground,

that's what it looks like,
if the wind is too strong.

It can even store up air in bottles
when the wind is blowing

and release it to keep itself
moving when the wind drops.

Lots of clips on YouTube,

but you have to go to Holland
to see them live on the beach.

But through the magic of
the next big thing in tech,

which is 3D printing,
where you can print an object out.

This is a 3D printed object,
it's entirely 3D printed.

It needed no extra thing except
the propeller on the end.

And this is a version
of the sea beast.

And instead of blowing, I'm going to
use a little sort of electric fan, like so.

There we go.

Whoa, whoa! Sand beast!

Isn't that cool?

- That's great.
- And that was printed out?

But isn't that an amazing object?

Oh, it looks really spooky.

I can't believe you got
that from a 3D printer.

I know.

I sort of feel like this
is going to be bluff,

- that can't be a real thing.
- I promise you it's true.

So how does it work? Is it a
block of resin? How does it...?

It's basically lasers fusing
powdered plastic together.

Even though they consist of at least
76 separate moving interlocking parts,

they emerge from the printer ready
to operate without the need for

further assembly, with the exception
of the addition of the propeller.

- No way.
- That's absolutely true.

- That is the future.
- Isn't it amazing?

You want to make sure you
hit the right number of copies.

- Yeah.
- Don't you, when... Oh, 12, oh..

12, it does take rather a long time.

My house is full of sand beasts.
"Argh! There are sand beasts!"

But they are becoming
commercially available.

Now you can get a consumer 3D
printer for about £1,600.

Although it's available on
the QI website for £12.99.

I'm blown away by that,
it's amazing.

I think we should, let's hear it
for this amazing machine.

Brilliant.

Really impressive. How lovely.

Well, that brings us to the end
of tonight's questions,

so please do join me now
for the scoreboard.

We have a clear winner.
With minus five points,

it's Cal Wilson.

And a highly creditable blue and
dewy-eyed second, with minus 24

is Jack Whitehall.

It's crowded at the bottom.

That's a very unfortunate phrase.

With minus 45, in third place,

- Jimmy Carr.
- Minus 45?

But...

Six of the best behind, on minus 51,

Alan Davies!

Thank you all very much
indeed for watching.

That's all from
Jack, Jimmy, Cal, Alan and me.

Spend the rest of your lives being
extremely good to each other.

Goodnight.