QI (2003–…): Season 10, Episode 4 - Jack and Jill - full transcript
Stephen Fry looks at quite interesting people whose names begin with the letter J. With Katy Brand, Sue Perkins, David Mitchell and Alan Davies.
Good evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening,
and dare I say again,
good evening and welcome to QI,
which tonight features
Jack and Jill,
and indeed John, James, Johannes,
or anybody else
whose name begins with J.
Let's meet every man Jack of 'em.
Jack the Lad, Sue Perkins.
Jack the Giant Killer, Katy Brand.
Mad Jack McMad, winner of
last year's Mr Madman competition,
David Mitchell.
And someone who doesn't know Jack.
It's Alan Davies.
So...
Buzzer-wise, let's hear it
for the girls. Katy goes...
Ah, that's nice.
I worship that woman. Sue goes...
Happy with that.
Good. David goes...
Awww. And Alan goes...
Ah, now do you know,
that's the theme for Top Gear.
Top Gear!
And what's the name
of that piece of music?
It's hard to think that the most
testosterone-driven programme
in television history
is introduced by Jessica.
That's the name of that song.
It is.
Jessica by the Allman Brothers.
And that's the most interesting
fact in the world.
So, don't forget, we are looking
for names beginning with J.
Who dies if they don't
have sex for a year?
Is it Russell Brand?
Good night! Bye-bye!
- I fear we were there before you, Sue.
- Yeah, you were.
He so doesn't begin with a J.
Jo Brand does, but she may die,
I don't know.
- No, it's two years before Jo Brand dies.
- Yeah, exactly.
I suspect it's not a human.
Correctly correctington!
- It's something... Other. Other.
- Animal?
It is from the animal kingdom.
I actually conducted an experiment
many years ago
to see if you could survive
a year without having sex.
And I'm happy to tell you
that yes, you can.
I was worried your experiment was
going to be that you'd had sex
with a variety of animals to see.
It wasn't clear to me that it was you.
It sounded to me like you had
someone in a room locked up
for a year just to see
if they would die without sex.
- They were the control.
- They were the control, yeah.
- While you were freely roaming.
- Yes.
And as it turned out,
neither of us had sex.
Could you not have saved each other
by having sex with one another?
I think if you put someone in a room
and then you have sex with them,
that's a crime.
So it's an animal and
it's going to begin with a J?
Well, yes, though the species of
animal doesn't begin with J.
It's just that the particular
gender begins with a J.
It's a furry mammal often
kept as a pet. And the male...
- Cat, dog, rabbit, hamster, gerbil...
- Cow?!
Cat!
- No, you were closer with gerbil.
- Guinea pig?
- Is it...?
- A ferret?
- A ferret.
- Ferret.
- Now, what's a male ferret called?
- Jeff.
He might be. They're actually, they
begin with H. They're called a hob.
- A hob?
- But a female is called a...
Is it a "Jenny"?
Not a Jenny,
but it might as well be, almost.
- A Julia.
- A Jennifer.
- No.
- A June.
A Judy.
It's not Jolene.
That would be so pleasing.
- Jane.
- No, it's a jill.
- How did we not get Jill?
- A hob and a jill.
- Who knows why these...?
- A hob and a jill. That doesn't go.
These are medieval assignations.
It's extraordinary.
It sounds like a dance.
And what happens on, is it literally
on day 365, they just explode?
Well, in...
"It's a leap year! Come on!"
In mid-summer they become oestrus,
they're on heat.
The poor jill,
the poor female ferret.
- Jill Ferret.
- Jill Ferret, yeah,
and if she hasn't had sex,
she carries on producing oestrogen,
she gets aplastic anaemia and dies.
- So she basically boils to death of heat.
- Yeah, kind of.
So what you have to do
if you have a pet female ferret,
- is either spay her...
- Shag it.
- Sleep with her.
- Yeah, that's what I was going to say...
No...
- Treat her really nice.
- It would be the ultimate sacrifice.
Find a hob for her.
- Find a hob for her.
- And then cook her on the hob, yeah.
Well, you can give injections.
You can give injections.
It's easier to have sex with her, really.
It's going to take away
some of the pride in the conquest
from the male ferret, isn't it? You
know, towards the end of the summer.
The male ferret is very ferocious.
They have a hooked penis.
Do they have a bone in there?
They don't, like a badger, that's
good, though. It's a hook, really.
And so it's up to the male to
unhook himself when he's satisfied.
He also bites the back of the neck
of the female.
- It sounds like fun.
- It sounds like Russell Brand!
"Come 'ere, love!"
So yeah, there's your ferret.
And it comes from the Latin,
"furritus", which means?
"Have sex with me or die."
It means, actually, "little thief".
They're always nicking things.
That ferret looks very sweet there
and doesn't look like the sort
of ferret that would hook you
with a bone in its penis.
But that's how they get you in,
isn't it?
And bite the back of your neck. Exactly.
They get you with the eyes,
the soft eyes.
- Yeah, they look so loveable.
- Then comes the boomerang cock.
Apparently, flatworms fight
with their penises like swords.
Really?
And the one that loses
gets stabbed and becomes a girl.
That's a brilliant system.
So they do these fights, and they've
both got penises, fight, fight, argh!
And it's like fencing, but when the
rapier goes in, it becomes a lady
and has to give birth.
But that's win-win
for the victorious one,
because they win and then
they get to have a shag...
- Yeah.
-...with the newly formed female.
Whereas the loser gets hurt
and then suddenly develops breasts.
And violated.
Feels violated and then has a baby.
Let's not get all women's lib about this.
Yes. Let's leave that.
Anyway, what made Mad Jack so mad?
Something he ate, I expect.
Had he been on holiday?
That's A mad Jack,
that's a very familiar...
People are always eating things,
or there's stuff in paint,
that makes you mad, doesn't it?
But no, it's really, where does
the phrase Mad Jack come from?
- Why Mad Jack?
- The original Mad Jack.
They go back quite a long way.
It's basically applied to anybody,
whether they're named John or Jack
or not. They're just called Mad Jack
and no-one quite knows why.
Who was the first Mad Jack?
Very hard to trace.
Very hard to trace.
There was Mad Jack Mytton,
who was a very eccentric aristocrat,
who paid £10 to a thousand
of the constituents of Shrewsbury
for their vote, which is the equivalent
of £750,000 in today's money.
That was in 1819 and he was elected
to be the member for Shrewsbury.
- No shit!
- Yeah!
Sounds broadly similar
to our current system.
Yes, it does, rather. Doesn't it? And
also similar to our current system is,
he found debating incredibly boring,
he only attended one session
of Parliament, for 30 minutes,
having paid £750,000 for the privilege.
And stood down in the next year, 1820.
- It's a hobby.
- If you're an aristocrat,
you're eccentric, aren't you?
But if you're poor, you're just mad
and you're a loony. I know.
- And you end up in an asylum.
- Basically.
Though he did end his days
in a debtors' prison,
he lost all his money.
He used to... He once set fire to
his night shirt to cure his hiccups.
That would probably work, but
it's not actually a shock, is it?
No, it's not.
If you can get someone else to do it
at some moment when you're not
expecting it, then that's a shock.
Although it could end up in a sort
of Clouseau-Cato scenario,
where it's impossible to explain to
someone that it's no longer necessary
for them to find a moment
to set fire to your pyjamas.
Did he wake up in the burns unit and go...
He also liked to get up
in the middle of the night
and shoot ducks while he was naked.
- Naked duck shooting.
- Was there any reason for the nudity?
He probably thought, "They're naked,
why shouldn't I be?"
Is it wrong to be starting to
slightly fall in love with this man?
I know what you mean.
You might fall in love
with Charles Howard,
who was the 20th Earl of Suffolk.
And during the war,
he went into Nazi-occupied Paris
and he rescued $10 million worth
of industrial diamonds
and all the heavy water
that the Germans had.
But he also managed to bring back
50 nuclear scientists from Paris.
This is all during the time
the Nazis were occupying.
So he was described by
Harold Macmillan as a kind of cross
between Francis Drake
and the Scarlet Pimpernel.
He was a very brave man.
He then trained himself
to be able to defuse bombs
and had his own bomb disposal unit,
which was his secretary, Eileen,
and his chauffeur, Fred.
When you say he trained himself,
that's quite hardcore.
Yeah, well. It is quite hardcore...
There's only one way to go
if you get it wrong.
Well, he did unfortunately get it wrong,
on his... I think his 35th bomb,
aged 34, 35 or something,
so he was, he was a good Mad Jack.
There was Mad Jack Churchill
as well, in the Second World War.
And he was the only soldier
known to have gone into battle
in the Second World War armed with...
What weapon of choice?
Teapot.
A dessert spoon.
Sorry, cosy. Tea cosy.
A tea cosy!
- A cheese slicer.
- A bow and arrow.
Did he know what decade
or even what century he was in?
- He was a gallant, chivalrous man.
- "Marvellous stuff!"
And also, he would have a sword
on the battlefield.
That's even stupider, isn't it? Because
if you've got a bow and arrow,
you can't use a sword
at the same time.
He thought no gentleman was dressed
for battle unless they had a sword.
And he also said that
if you smile at the enemy,
they're less likely to shoot you.
- And he was...
- I wonder how he died!
- No, he was taken prisoner, in fact.
- Because he was so charming.
"Who is that devastating man
with the lovely smile?"
He was actually housed at Sachsenhausen,
which was the VIP prison camp.
The Germans thought
he was related to Winston Churchill,
which he wasn't.
Mad Jack Churchill.
Anyway, Mad Jack Churchill
didn't die until 1996, so he had
a more fortunate life than Charles
Howard, 20th Earl of Suffolk.
There's a load of Jacks.
But how did Queen Jenga
arrange her harem?
Oh, was it like that
and then that and then that?
Three rows that way
and then three rows...
For you!
You're being so kind. She was quite
a piece of work, Queen Jenga.
Bow and arrow and sword, apparently.
And sword, exactly.
He didn't think of the bells, though.
- No, the bells...
- That would have clinched it for him.
That would have been a good...
That's just to make people look up.
Ding ding ding! Who is it?
She was a 17th-century member
of the Royal Family of...
Well, she killed her brother,
who was called Ngola,
after which the country
Angola is named,
supposedly her nephew as well,
and ate his heart.
And she liked men to fight
each other to death
and the winner would
sleep with her for the night
and then be killed in the morning.
So she was...
What's the incentive to then
enter the competition?
You're killed either way,
so it's whether you get a shag
or you're killed without one.
But what kind of shag would you have
when you know at the end of it,
you're going to get murdered?
I mean, that is one tense coitus.
I think Mr Tiggy would probably be
a bit shrivelly, wouldn't he?
Yes, Mr Tiggy would.
Is that not a universal name?
Oh, my goodness.
Too much Mr Tiggy information.
There must be the promise of a reprieve.
Well, you'd think if you were
really, really good.
"If you really please me,
I will not kill you with my bells."
"Or my sword or my big bag."
What's the bell for? Is that
to just give somebody tinnitus
before they're eviscerated, or something?
- Room service.
- She was not a...
- She was not a...
- You rang?
She was not a kindly soul,
it must be said.
But what of the game Jenga?
What do we know of its origins?
Does it mean something?
- Is it Scandinavian?
- It does mean something.
It's a Swahili word, so it is African,
in fact. It's from the...
Swahili for "timber!"
Actually, the reverse.
It's the Swahili for to build
and it was invented by
a woman called Leslie Scott
and she's still with us, I think,
so it is pretty recent.
You can always get
giant versions of it.
We had a giant one. We thought
it'd be a great thing to have
at a party with lots of toddlers
around, but actually,
three or four of them
got quite severely injured.
Whoops!
Yeah. 'Cause you build them up
and say, "The kids will like that,"
and you wonder off and have a glass
of Pimm's and suddenly there's...
- Blood everywhere!
- Yeah.
Slaughter! Infanticide!
Buried underneath a lot of...
"Where's Timmy?"
"I don't know."
"He's under the Jenga!"
That's an extremely middle-class
form of neglect, isn't it?
Crushed by the Jenga.
I've never liked Jenga.
Yes, why does it have to be plain wood?
It makes it look like it was
invented at the time of Boudica.
- Yeah. Make it...
- It could be colourful wood.
There are versions with coloured wood.
There are adult truth-or-dare versions,
there are rolling dice versions.
People have tried
all kinds of variations.
What about a Lego version?
And then, you know...
Too easy, do you think?
Trying to get one out
would not be easy.
You could play it
with cement and bricks.
Then you're just building a house.
It's just construction.
Gold bars!
Well, the only limit
is your imagination.
Surely that's not
Jenga's slogan, is it?
I'd say there are
severe limits to that game
within even my limited imagination.
I think their slogan is
"This summer..."
"Logs will fall."
- Are the children safe? "Waah!"
- How many...
Oh, my God, yeah!
It's like The Borrowers.
How many pieces are there?
- 90.
- Too many.
- Nine... What?
- 90.
No, it's got to be a
number that's divisible by three.
- Intelligence. That's nice to hear.
- 90 is a number divisible by three.
- Divisible by three.
- 335!
- I said 90!
- Yeah, yeah.
Well, that's true, it is. Damn!
Hoist by my own petard!
Are there not 90, then?
- No, there are 54. 18 rows.
- A triple 18.
I'm quite good with threes,
because of the dartboard.
- 54, also divisible by three.
- Yeah.
You can tell whether a number is
divisible by three if you add up...
Like 54, you add the five and four
and if that's divisible by three,
the number is divisible by three.
- That's very true.
- Where were you when I was seven?
If it's divisible by nine, you add
the numbers and they add up to nine.
- 81, 72...
- Oh, God!
- 54 again.
- Does it work over 100?
Yes, always. Nine's a freakish,
fantastic, great number.
You add up the digits
until you come to a single number.
108, 117, 126,
- 135, 144, 153...
- Yeah. All add up to nine.
All working. 162.
How long have we got?
- You've lost me, I'm afraid.
- 171, 180, yeah.
It is amazing, isn't it?
It's really just, "Coo-wow!"
- Maybe God's a mathematician.
- Up to 180, and then 189...
- Yeah, is 17+1,
- Is still...
which is 18, and 8+1 is 9.
- Oh, you can do it that way?
- Yes, it still reduces down to nine.
- And keep going?
- That's right.
Until you get it
down to a single number.
I don't know whether to cry
or wet myself with excitement.
- I'm going to do both.
- I always do both.
Exciting news for home learners!
Describe the best ever game
of royal hide and seek.
Well, I presume the Hampton Court
Maze is involved.
Well, no, actually. That's
just sort of giving an example.
Oh, no.
- Up the tree. The Royal Oak.
- That's certainly...
that was pretty good.
I mean, he hid.
The princes in the Tower,
and they hid so well
that it was hundreds of years
and then they were skeletons.
Is it any game of hide and seek
in which you never find
Prince Edward again?
No. Remember,
we're in the world of Js.
- Now, the Civil War, Charles I.
- John.
- No, Charles I had two sons.
- And there's a J in it.
Charles, who became Charles II.
- And James...
- And James. Who became?
- James I.
- No. James II.
It makes sense, because
The Second was their surname
and they were brothers.
That's what, yeah.
They're like the boys from the band Blue.
There's Duncan from Blue,
and there's Simon from Blue.
They're all related as well,
aren't they?
Well, James was imprisoned
at St James's Palace.
Named not after him,
but the saint, of course.
Oh, what an ordeal(!)
Yeah, I know.
He used to play hide
and seek and he was so good at it
that the servants would spend hours
looking for him and...
Oh, they wouldn't look for him at all.
He'd be hiding
and they'd go and have lunch.
"Another game of hide and seek?"
"Yes."
"Oh, we couldn't find you, sir."
It was all part of his plan,
because one day he managed
to get hold of the gardener's key,
and while playing hide and seek
he actually escaped from the Palace
and met up with a Colonel
Blumpstead, or some similar name,
who was a royalist, as you would be
if you were called Blumpstead.
"Oh, Blumpstead, Blumpstead!"
And he escaped to Holland,
where he lived a happy life.
It was actually Bampfield,
not Blumpstead.
But still, "Bampfield"
is clearly a royalist.
So are you saying the hide and seek
prowess was sort of
all part of the strategy,
- or that was just a happy...?
- Yeah, preparing for an escape.
- Oh, I see.
- At the age of 12.
It's like the Shawshank Redemption.
Yeah, except he was 12,
which is impressive.
- He was 12?!
- He was 12, so it's quite impressive.
- He was only 12.
- Brilliant.
How does he come into contact
with Major Bampfield?
I guess secret messages
were passed in some way...
You've got to be careful as a boy,
running away with a random colonel.
- To Amsterdam.
- Especially...
You can't be sure. I mean,
he might be a royalist, or...
He might not be.
Especially to Amsterdam,
yes, quite. No, you're right.
"Come with me,
it's going to be such fun."
"No, really, I am seriously a colonel."
Possibly the saddest story of
hide and seek that you can think of,
although it has a kind of
happy ending, is Liu Wei,
a Chinese pianist
who was playing hide and seek
and he electrocuted himself
so badly that he lost both his arms
so he learnt to play the piano
with his toes, and in 2010,
he won China's Got Talent!
Which is rather pleasing.
So he can play,
and all of his toes work...?
All of his toes, they look like fingers.
It's astonishing, really amazing.
Are you sure he just hasn't
got his head in the wrong place?
He's got his hands
down a pair of trousers.
"Look at my toes! Look at my toes!
"Now I take my socks off...
"Playing the piano
with my toes, everyone!"
He's saying he's a man who
can play the piano with his feet.
He's a man with a penis
that looks like a face.
Still, he wins China's Got Talent.
I'm sure "Si-mon Cao-wel"
would have checked out
his credentials in every respect.
So, while on the subject of King James's,
imagine that Jamie Oliver was to be
crowned the next king of England.
- It's sort of...
- Not inconceivable.
Not inconceivable in the strange
world in which we live.
President Oliver.
What number James would he be?
What would be his regnal number,
as the official says it?
It would be different
in England from Scotland.
No, there's just one UK,
so it would be the same in both,
but what would it be?
I'm desperate to say James III.
Yes!
No.
No, because what happened was,
when Elizabeth was crowned,
60 years ago, she was of course
called Queen Elizabeth II.
But in Scotland,
there was a bit of an outcry.
Because she wasn't the second
Queen Elizabeth in Scotland,
she was the first.
They had Mary Queen of Scots
when Elizabeth I was on the throne.
So a few early "E II R" pillar boxes
were trashed in Scotland
and there was a big fuss.
And Winston Churchill,
who was Prime Minister in 1953,
- he sort of decided that there...
- This is 350 years later!
I know, people have
long memories on these things.
So Churchill essentially
laid down a convention
whereby UK monarchs
would be numbered uniformly
according to either
an English or Scottish reckoning,
whichever was higher.
So James I of England
was James the...?
Sixth.
...VI of Scotland.
So James II was James VII,
so if there were another James,
he would be called James VIII.
That would be the procedure.
I worry when
you say things like this
that you're the only person who knows.
And if Jamie Oliver did become king
and you weren't around to tell them,
they might get it wrong.
That's sweet.
You need to leave these things
in a notebook somewhere.
We need to get some tablets
for you to...
Princess Anne looks a lot like
my daughter in that picture,
quite disturbingly.
Gosh! She's very young there,
isn't she?
I feel sorry for all
the other finalists to be Queen.
There is also unresolved controversy
over the naming of the QE2.
Do you know what this might be?
I've always wondered,
I was never sure whether the QE2
was named after Queen Elizabeth II,
or was the second ship
called Queen Elizabeth?
- Yes.
- Because there's a Queen Mary 2.
Exactly. It's the second vessel of the
Cunard line to be called Queen Mary.
And opinion is divided, but a lot
of people think it was literally
just the second ship to be called
Queen Elizabeth.
But the Queen herself,
when launching it, saying,
"I name this ship
Queen Elizabeth The Second"
so Cunard had to rename it,
basically, because she'd done it.
I was once invited to the launching
of a Swan Hellenic cruise liner
and they said, "So, you say your
speech, and then you hand over
to Dame Kiri Te Kanawa,
who will do the launching."
I said, "Oh, I'm not
going to do the launching?"
They said, "You can't launch a ship!
"You're a man!" Did you know
that men can't launch ships?
- So only women can launch ships?
- Yes, because I think
- it was Edward VII or someone...
- It's bad luck, isn't it?
launched the Lusitania and the Titanic,
and marine people
are quite superstitious.
And women moan
about the glass ceiling!
We can't even launch ships!
We don't want top-level employment,
we just want to smash a bottle
of champagne against a ship.
Everyone wants to launch ships.
It's the best job!
- It's just that.
- Yeah.
You've got to say,
"I name this ship..."
- "Barry."
- "Barry."
Smash.
Yeah. So there is indeed
controversy. Opinion is divided.
How does the Siberian Jay
stick his nuts to a tree?
- It's not snot?
- It's not.
Beak mucus?
- Saliva.
- Tears?
He uses saliva.
- Tears!
- "Oh, it's so cold here".
"Thank God my nuts have stuck."
90% of all the oaks in Britain
are germinated, as it were,
by the European Jay.
They collect over a billion a year
and bury them in the ground.
They can have nine in their gullet
and one in their beak.
Is it from whole acorns or
is it because they've eaten them?
They hold them in their gullet,
then bury them
in the same way squirrels do
with nuts, but the point is,
the Siberian Jay lives in
a very cold climate, of course,
and it's harder to bury things
cos of the impacted ice
so it sticks the nuts it gets from its
trees with its saliva to the tree itself.
Does that mean you get trees
growing off trees?
It's like the jay...
I imagine after a night out,
it would be the Siberian Jay version
of a street of kebab shops.
They can just fly down an avenue
of trees, just snacking...
- On a snotty nut!
- Yeah. On a snotty nut.
It's probably quite lucky, isn't it,
that nothing germinates
from a discarded kebab?
Our city centres
would be even worse.
These little disgusting saplings
with doner meat coming off them.
Oh, a very Doctor Who nightmare,
isn't it?
Anyway, how did the first person
to realise they were colour-blind
know they were colour-blind?
Did they say,
"Ah, the red shoots of spring"?
Undoubtedly someone
would have corrected them.
"I'm giving a green light to a bull."
Do you know the name for the classic
sort of colour-blindness?
I know the guy who it was,
a guy called John Dalton.
That's right!
That's right, John Dalton.
Well done. Points, definitely.
There he is. He was a very
brilliant and precocious child
from a Quaker family.
By the age of 12,
he was supervising the school
but he made a rather drastic error,
given that he was a Quaker
and therefore from
a rather pious family
and he decided to buy his mother
a pair of bloomers...
They weren't bloomers in those days,
a pair of stockings, for her birthday.
And they were a vivid red
and he thought they were blue.
And she was shocked, because
red was the colour of a whore.
And to buy your mother red pants
was just not done.
Buying your mother pants is normal!
Buying red pants, that's weird.
But then, the other thing is,
he noticed that his brother
didn't tell the difference either
so made the connection, which holds true,
that there is a genetic disposition
towards colour-blindness.
So he's the first person
to point out it's genetic
because his brother
also has the condition
and this is obviously pre-genetics.
Oh, yes. Not genetic, but family,
sort of related,
inherited traits were understood.
He actually thought the reason for it
was that the liquid in the eye
which we all have
was tinted blue, which was making
him see wrong
and when he died, he'd ordered that
his eyeballs be dug out and squirted
and that instantly proved
that they weren't tinted blue.
We now know that it's a problem
with the cones of the eye.
Is there red-blue colour-blindness?
I thought it was just red-green.
Red-green, yes, but they
see it as a kind of... I say they,
there are lots of different types
of colour-blindness. Strangely,
there are four top 20 billiards...
Snooker players, I beg your pardon,
Peter Ebdon, of course,
who are colour-blind.
That's gonna be awkward.
Just occasionally, they have
to ask the referee which ball...
Which is the table
and which is the ball?
He can't be doing well there, if you
look. All the reds are over there.
He's ground his way
into a World Championship
so it's not done him any harm.
You know traffic police play
snooker? Did you know about that?
They're bored in a lay-by,
they first have to book a red car
and that's one point,
so they chase the red car,
find something wrong with it,
give them a fine because
they've got one rear light missing
and then they can choose any colour.
Say they'll go for a black car
for seven points,
then a blue car will be five points,
then they go back to red
until they've done 15 reds.
Let's all get white cars.
Then they can just fuck off.
I'd say worse things have been done
in a lay-by than that.
Horribly true.
Horribly, horribly, horribly true.
But yes, that was Dalton's problem.
He's sure that his mother
wasn't also colour-blind
but just didn't like
being bought pants by her child?
I think we're pretty certain
about that.
I think it was perhaps more normal
to buy stockings,
shall we say, for a lady.
It's just nothing, just suspenders,
something normal to buy your mother.
A little frilly...
A French little tunic.
Everyone likes their mother
to look sexy.
Sexy and blue, not red, because
that makes her look a bit whorey.
That's going too far.
"Oh, David.
Ann Summers vouchers again!"
Is there a big drawer
full of Ann Summers vouchers?
I love that
Agent Provocateur Christmas...
What...
What do you know
of the colour-blind test cards?
What are you seeing on there?
- The number 74.
- Very clear. Well done.
I can see it, but not very clearly.
So what does it mean they can't
become if they're...?
- Pilots?
- Well, no, oddly enough.
Snooker players. No, of course not.
- We know they can be world champions.
- Bullfighters.
Actually, it's a myth that you
can't be a pilot if you're colour-blind.
It's only if you're very severely
colour-blind that you're disallowed.
You can't tell the difference between
the blue sky and the green land?
- Yes, something like that.
- And the grey tarmac.
The very worst kind of
colour-blindness, or "blindness".
Anyway, they're called
the Ishihara tests,
devised by Shinobu Ishihara, who
worked at a military medical school
and was asked to screen military
recruits for abnormalities
for colour vision. The first plate,
that's an orange number 12,
I'm sure you can see.
This was used in the army
to weed out draft dodgers
because if they pretended
they couldn't see that it was a 12,
they knew they were lying,
as everyone who can see
can see that's a 12.
There's no kind of colour-blindness
that can mistake those two.
And I was feeling proud
of being able to see it.
But don't despair
if you're colour-blind.
There is one advantage
you might have.
Can you think what that would be?
Ration books?
Something with colour?
No, you're less likely
to be fooled by camouflage.
Because the tamarind, the New World
monkey, is colour-blind. And...
The tamarind is much, much better
at eating insects that are disguised
as leaves or twigs or whatever
than other mammals or birds
who eat insects
because they rely on colour
more for identifying things.
so colour-blind people were used
often for spotting, you know...
"Ah, I can see tanks
covered in a drape," for example.
What begins with J
and was used by the first man to row
the Atlantic to attempt suicide?
Jizz.
Suicide by jizz?
On any level, I mean...
Jill the ferret,
sex-starved for 364 days,
attacked him in an erotic frenzy.
- Yeah?
- Jellyfish.
That's...
That's something that can
kill you and they are in the sea.
You're right.
It's slightly confusing.
He just happened to be the first man
to row the Atlantic.
- But it wasn't while he was on the boat?
- No.
He was a very extraordinary...
As a child, he nicked a pistol
from his Scout troop leader
and fired at his fellow Scouts
and was expelled from the Scout
movement...
And got a badge for it.
- Accuracy!
- Yes!
But then at age 13, he ran away
from home to live in the jungle.
In his early 20s, he met a pirate,
who taught him to be a pirate
and he pirated his way
around the Caribbean,
smuggling liquor
and cigarettes and things
and then in 1969, January 20th,
he pushed off from the Canary
Islands in a self-rising rowing boat
and rowed all the way to Florida.
It took him 180 days and he was
the first person to do that.
But it was when he was
in the jungle in South America
that he despaired of his life
and so he wanted to be killed
by something beginning with J.
Oh. Is it a jaguar?
Is the right answer!
Jaguar! Exactly.
So what did he do? Did he go out
in a meat skirt and a meat helmet
and just wait there in the middle
of the jungle?
Well, in a sense...
No, he just wound them up all night
by teasing and taunting them.
"You look like a cougar.
No-one can tell the difference."
"You're a panther!"
The odd thing is, that he kept a gun
by his side in case he changed his mind
and as the jaguar attacked,
he did change his mind
and shot it dead
and then sold its skin,
so it was a bit, frankly, unfair
on the jaguar.
- So he didn't die?
- So he was just lying?
Basically lying?
He really wanted to end his life
so he went out...
- He had a gun!
- ...and aggravated...
- He also had a spear!
- I know, if he really meant it...
I don't believe this bloke! I'm sorry.
"I don't know how to kill myself."
"I'm going to wait here
for a big cat to arrive."
Sit here winding up jaguars for days.
- He was just doing it for attention.
- Yes, I think so.
The J part of it is that his name
is John Fairfax, and if you look up
who the first person to row
the Atlantic single-handed was,
it was John.
Good old Johnny Fairfax. Absolutely.
Now, who's this?
What are they doing?
"I thought it would be
ten times as exciting
as a swing boat
at the fair, but it wasn't."
"There was no sensation,
just a lot of noise and wind."
"My hair was blown
into a tangled mess
which couldn't be combed out for days."
The inventor of the hairdryer.
Is it Brian May on
the latest Thorpe Park ride?
Well, we're with a transport
experience and this person
was famous for their achievement in
it, but the first time they tried it
they found it horrible,
- noisy, windy.
- Amy Johnson?
Amy Johnson is the right answer!
Very good.
- It's a J,
- It's a J.
There she is.
That's the J.
And what was her great feat?
- She...
- Flew the Atlantic.
- No, that was Alcock and Brown.
- Flew across America.
- No, she flew from...
- Flew to the moon.
She flew from Britain to Australia.
- To Australia?
- Yeah.
- That's a heck of a flight.
- Did she ever come back?
Yes, she certainly did, and when
she came back, she landed at
what was then the sort of London
Airport, which was Croydon Airport,
and there were 200,000 people
there to meet her.
- You're kidding?
- No, it was a sensation of the age.
Was there a car boot sale
going on as well?
No. There was...
She had a 12-mile parade through London.
So she was describing when
she first got into an aeroplane,
and first flew?
She absolutely hated it.
But she stuck with it and became,
obviously, incredibly good at it.
So yes, now then,
talking of flight, I want you all
to do a jolly jape now,
which is make a dart, a paper dart,
and see the person who can throw it
the furthest wins.
Talk amongst yourselves.
There are various kinds you can do,
just try the type you did at school.
Oh, I've totally forgotten
how to do this.
And obviously take your time,
as quickly as you can.
Thing is, I'm going to make one the
way we used to make them at school,
knowing fully they didn't fly very well.
Well, some people were good at it
and some people weren't.
Interested to see how
well you're doing.
Precision engineering.
Oops, I've made a hat.
I'm gonna put little flaps on mine,
is that all right? And a tail.
I've just had that idea!
You seem to be ready, who's ready?
David, have a go.
As far as you can go.
Not bad.
Should you throw or
should you cast like a bowler?
Ah. Well, it's up to you.
Yours looks great, I have to say.
- It went up because of the flaps.
- Yeah. Your flaps.
- Corrugated roof tiles.
- Flaps gave it lift.
Watch out in the back row,
this is going to be lethal.
It's one of those stealth ones,
you won't be able to see it,
you won't be able to measure it.
You can buy it from Wickes,
"It's got her name on it." Oh!
A suicide plane.
That's impossible.
- It defies all laws of physics.
- I thought it was acrobatics.
- Sue, your chance for glory.
- I don't think it's going to happen.
Well, despite the brilliance
of Amy Johnson...
But would you be surprised to know
that the paper aeroplane
that goes the furthest
looks like this?
- Stop it!
- Yeah, that's a bracelet.
I know, it seems hardly credible.
What do you do?
You just scrunch it up and chuck it.
I'm unfortunately not very good
at throwing it.
I've practised a bit, but
the world record is 200 yards.
- No way!
- I'm not kidding you.
-Straight down.
- You're supposed to give it a twist.
That's why I'm not good at it, I've
never thrown an American football.
You do it in the style
of an American football.
- Whoa!
- There you go!
- That's amazing!
- Pretty good, isn't it?
And that's...
So why aren't all aeroplanes
designed like that?
It was invented by a man called Mark
Forti, whose father worked for NASA.
Oh, what a cheat.
Yes, it's a short plastic cylinder,
slightly weighted on the leading
edge and that's as simple as that.
So you use sticky-back plastic,
which some purists would say
doesn't make it a proper aeroplane,
because it has to be slightly
heavier at the front.
You would not imagine that was
so aerodynamic a shape as a dart,
which just to our eyes looks right,
doesn't it?
- Is that the future of aeroplanes?
- Darts, the future of darts.
I thought you said "ducks".
They're going to evolve into kind of
cylindrical, little beaks at the top.
Yeah, birds everywhere are
watching this programme,
"What have we been doing
all these... All this?"
"We should have just done that!"
"And just jumped.
What have we been doing?!"
But we were saying
earlier about Amy Johnson,
almost gave up flying because
it made such a mess of her hair.
Can you remember who wrote
the first dictionary in English?
- Oh, yes. Johnson.
- Samuel Johnson.
Samuel Johnson!
No, it wasn't Samuel Johnson.
I led you down the garden path
and spanked you.
- Baldrick.
- Baldrick!
"B."
Probably a B, yes.
"We're going to have to write
the whole dictionary tonight!"
Yes. Dr Johnson's dictionary,
written in the earlier part
of the 18th century,
was preceded by, well, there was...
- Famously, the first dictionary.
- There were lots, weren't there?
There was a Richard Mulcaster
in the 16th century,
who came up with the name
football, in fact, and indeed,
invented refereeing and
the idea of football teams,
but he wrote Elementary in 1582,
which was the first to gather
"All the words which we use
in our English tung, out of all
professions, as well learned as not,
into one dictionarie."
But he didn't give definitions.
He just listed all the words
that he thought there existed.
But in Robert Cawdrey's
Table Alphabeticall, of 1604,
not only listed words,
but gave definitions, so it was
perhaps the first true dictionary,
in the sense that we know it.
It listed around 3,000 hard words,
as he called them, defining each one.
So then Johnson's dictionary
had how many entries?
At around the time there were
about 250,000 or 300,000 words.
- How many did he list?
- 42.
- Oh, you were so close. 42,000.
- Thousand.
That was really close. 42,773.
But we've got some Johnson words
that have gone out of use.
Maybe you can imagine
what they mean.
Tonguepad.
- Mouth-friend?
- Mouth-friend.
Don't we all need a mouth-friend?
Sometimes we certainly do need
a tonguepad and a mouth-friend.
Sometimes I like a frigorifick.
- I hear you, girl!
- Frigorifick.
Yeah. We've all been frigorifick
in our time.
- A depucelate is...
- That's a coffee.
- I think it's single shot, isn't it?
- You can get those in, yeah, Starbucks.
It's not "depu-kela-tay,"
it's depucelate.
That's what you do before
a big date, isn't it?
If you're meeting a mouth-friend.
You get a bit tonguepad.
Slip of the old shapesmith.
Is a shapesmith
just a rubbish blacksmith?
No, a shapesmith is basically what we...
- "I've done a thing."
- There you are.
"You a bit of a shapesmith?"
"Yeah."
It sort of looks like a doorknob.
It's not a horseshoe,
but it's sort of
horse jewellery in some way.
- Like a horse clog.
- A horse nipple clamp.
They founded Camden Market
and sold all that crap.
No, a shapesmith is actually what
we would call a personal trainer,
someone who gets you into shape and
improves the shape of your body.
Time for that word to come back.
Exactly.
- "I'm going to see my shapesmith."
- My shapesmith, yeah.
"Personal trainer," hate that.
A tonguepad is just a talker,
someone who natters all the time.
- A mouth-friend is...
- Gossip?
No, someone who is
a friend to your face,
- but is duplicitous behind your back.
- Oh, God, I know a few of those.
Yeah, a few mouth-friends,
pretends to be your friend.
To depucelate is to deflower,
to bereave of virginity.
It's not a bereavement!
Let's not see it as that.
Frigorifick sounds like something Del
Boy might say, but what is frig...?
Actually, I suppose...
It's probably rather badly spelt.
We should pronounce - yes, cold -
we should pronounce it
"frijorifick", probably.
It just means causing cold,
something that's frigorifick causes cold.
Some of his definitions
were just a little bit lazy.
"Sock. Something put between
the foot and the shoe."
He must have thought, though,
because you know, previous diction...
The one before, you say
had been just of hard words.
He must have thought,
"Everyone knows what a sock is!"
- If you can read...
- "If you've got this book
and you don't know what a sock is,
then I can't help you."
Exactly. Oats was a famous one.
He said horrible things about the
Scots in his one on oats, didn't he?
He did. He said
"a grain which in England
is generally given to horses, but
in Scotland supports the people."
He describes "to worm" -
"to deprive a dog of something,
nobody knows what, under his tongue,
which is said to prevent him,
nobody knows why, from running mad."
- It's a very strange...
- Wasn't a scientist, then.
No, I think probably not.
He was one of our greatest
men of letters.
Well, we've come to the amen,
because it's time for the scores.
It's all we've got time for.
Let's see who's hit the jackpot.
Well...
He's died!
I'm afraid it's Sue who's died
in last place, with minus 12.
And really, it's a massive step up for Alan,
- on our third place, with minus seven.
- Thank you very much.
Robbed.
And having been depucelated, QI-wise,
it's pretty impressive to break your
virginity with minus three, Katy.
But our mouth-friend of the week,
clear winner on plus five,
is David Mitchell.
So, this is where we jack it all in
and say that's all from Sue,
David, Katy, Alan and me.
Be excessively nice to each other.
Good night.
good evening, good evening,
and dare I say again,
good evening and welcome to QI,
which tonight features
Jack and Jill,
and indeed John, James, Johannes,
or anybody else
whose name begins with J.
Let's meet every man Jack of 'em.
Jack the Lad, Sue Perkins.
Jack the Giant Killer, Katy Brand.
Mad Jack McMad, winner of
last year's Mr Madman competition,
David Mitchell.
And someone who doesn't know Jack.
It's Alan Davies.
So...
Buzzer-wise, let's hear it
for the girls. Katy goes...
Ah, that's nice.
I worship that woman. Sue goes...
Happy with that.
Good. David goes...
Awww. And Alan goes...
Ah, now do you know,
that's the theme for Top Gear.
Top Gear!
And what's the name
of that piece of music?
It's hard to think that the most
testosterone-driven programme
in television history
is introduced by Jessica.
That's the name of that song.
It is.
Jessica by the Allman Brothers.
And that's the most interesting
fact in the world.
So, don't forget, we are looking
for names beginning with J.
Who dies if they don't
have sex for a year?
Is it Russell Brand?
Good night! Bye-bye!
- I fear we were there before you, Sue.
- Yeah, you were.
He so doesn't begin with a J.
Jo Brand does, but she may die,
I don't know.
- No, it's two years before Jo Brand dies.
- Yeah, exactly.
I suspect it's not a human.
Correctly correctington!
- It's something... Other. Other.
- Animal?
It is from the animal kingdom.
I actually conducted an experiment
many years ago
to see if you could survive
a year without having sex.
And I'm happy to tell you
that yes, you can.
I was worried your experiment was
going to be that you'd had sex
with a variety of animals to see.
It wasn't clear to me that it was you.
It sounded to me like you had
someone in a room locked up
for a year just to see
if they would die without sex.
- They were the control.
- They were the control, yeah.
- While you were freely roaming.
- Yes.
And as it turned out,
neither of us had sex.
Could you not have saved each other
by having sex with one another?
I think if you put someone in a room
and then you have sex with them,
that's a crime.
So it's an animal and
it's going to begin with a J?
Well, yes, though the species of
animal doesn't begin with J.
It's just that the particular
gender begins with a J.
It's a furry mammal often
kept as a pet. And the male...
- Cat, dog, rabbit, hamster, gerbil...
- Cow?!
Cat!
- No, you were closer with gerbil.
- Guinea pig?
- Is it...?
- A ferret?
- A ferret.
- Ferret.
- Now, what's a male ferret called?
- Jeff.
He might be. They're actually, they
begin with H. They're called a hob.
- A hob?
- But a female is called a...
Is it a "Jenny"?
Not a Jenny,
but it might as well be, almost.
- A Julia.
- A Jennifer.
- No.
- A June.
A Judy.
It's not Jolene.
That would be so pleasing.
- Jane.
- No, it's a jill.
- How did we not get Jill?
- A hob and a jill.
- Who knows why these...?
- A hob and a jill. That doesn't go.
These are medieval assignations.
It's extraordinary.
It sounds like a dance.
And what happens on, is it literally
on day 365, they just explode?
Well, in...
"It's a leap year! Come on!"
In mid-summer they become oestrus,
they're on heat.
The poor jill,
the poor female ferret.
- Jill Ferret.
- Jill Ferret, yeah,
and if she hasn't had sex,
she carries on producing oestrogen,
she gets aplastic anaemia and dies.
- So she basically boils to death of heat.
- Yeah, kind of.
So what you have to do
if you have a pet female ferret,
- is either spay her...
- Shag it.
- Sleep with her.
- Yeah, that's what I was going to say...
No...
- Treat her really nice.
- It would be the ultimate sacrifice.
Find a hob for her.
- Find a hob for her.
- And then cook her on the hob, yeah.
Well, you can give injections.
You can give injections.
It's easier to have sex with her, really.
It's going to take away
some of the pride in the conquest
from the male ferret, isn't it? You
know, towards the end of the summer.
The male ferret is very ferocious.
They have a hooked penis.
Do they have a bone in there?
They don't, like a badger, that's
good, though. It's a hook, really.
And so it's up to the male to
unhook himself when he's satisfied.
He also bites the back of the neck
of the female.
- It sounds like fun.
- It sounds like Russell Brand!
"Come 'ere, love!"
So yeah, there's your ferret.
And it comes from the Latin,
"furritus", which means?
"Have sex with me or die."
It means, actually, "little thief".
They're always nicking things.
That ferret looks very sweet there
and doesn't look like the sort
of ferret that would hook you
with a bone in its penis.
But that's how they get you in,
isn't it?
And bite the back of your neck. Exactly.
They get you with the eyes,
the soft eyes.
- Yeah, they look so loveable.
- Then comes the boomerang cock.
Apparently, flatworms fight
with their penises like swords.
Really?
And the one that loses
gets stabbed and becomes a girl.
That's a brilliant system.
So they do these fights, and they've
both got penises, fight, fight, argh!
And it's like fencing, but when the
rapier goes in, it becomes a lady
and has to give birth.
But that's win-win
for the victorious one,
because they win and then
they get to have a shag...
- Yeah.
-...with the newly formed female.
Whereas the loser gets hurt
and then suddenly develops breasts.
And violated.
Feels violated and then has a baby.
Let's not get all women's lib about this.
Yes. Let's leave that.
Anyway, what made Mad Jack so mad?
Something he ate, I expect.
Had he been on holiday?
That's A mad Jack,
that's a very familiar...
People are always eating things,
or there's stuff in paint,
that makes you mad, doesn't it?
But no, it's really, where does
the phrase Mad Jack come from?
- Why Mad Jack?
- The original Mad Jack.
They go back quite a long way.
It's basically applied to anybody,
whether they're named John or Jack
or not. They're just called Mad Jack
and no-one quite knows why.
Who was the first Mad Jack?
Very hard to trace.
Very hard to trace.
There was Mad Jack Mytton,
who was a very eccentric aristocrat,
who paid £10 to a thousand
of the constituents of Shrewsbury
for their vote, which is the equivalent
of £750,000 in today's money.
That was in 1819 and he was elected
to be the member for Shrewsbury.
- No shit!
- Yeah!
Sounds broadly similar
to our current system.
Yes, it does, rather. Doesn't it? And
also similar to our current system is,
he found debating incredibly boring,
he only attended one session
of Parliament, for 30 minutes,
having paid £750,000 for the privilege.
And stood down in the next year, 1820.
- It's a hobby.
- If you're an aristocrat,
you're eccentric, aren't you?
But if you're poor, you're just mad
and you're a loony. I know.
- And you end up in an asylum.
- Basically.
Though he did end his days
in a debtors' prison,
he lost all his money.
He used to... He once set fire to
his night shirt to cure his hiccups.
That would probably work, but
it's not actually a shock, is it?
No, it's not.
If you can get someone else to do it
at some moment when you're not
expecting it, then that's a shock.
Although it could end up in a sort
of Clouseau-Cato scenario,
where it's impossible to explain to
someone that it's no longer necessary
for them to find a moment
to set fire to your pyjamas.
Did he wake up in the burns unit and go...
He also liked to get up
in the middle of the night
and shoot ducks while he was naked.
- Naked duck shooting.
- Was there any reason for the nudity?
He probably thought, "They're naked,
why shouldn't I be?"
Is it wrong to be starting to
slightly fall in love with this man?
I know what you mean.
You might fall in love
with Charles Howard,
who was the 20th Earl of Suffolk.
And during the war,
he went into Nazi-occupied Paris
and he rescued $10 million worth
of industrial diamonds
and all the heavy water
that the Germans had.
But he also managed to bring back
50 nuclear scientists from Paris.
This is all during the time
the Nazis were occupying.
So he was described by
Harold Macmillan as a kind of cross
between Francis Drake
and the Scarlet Pimpernel.
He was a very brave man.
He then trained himself
to be able to defuse bombs
and had his own bomb disposal unit,
which was his secretary, Eileen,
and his chauffeur, Fred.
When you say he trained himself,
that's quite hardcore.
Yeah, well. It is quite hardcore...
There's only one way to go
if you get it wrong.
Well, he did unfortunately get it wrong,
on his... I think his 35th bomb,
aged 34, 35 or something,
so he was, he was a good Mad Jack.
There was Mad Jack Churchill
as well, in the Second World War.
And he was the only soldier
known to have gone into battle
in the Second World War armed with...
What weapon of choice?
Teapot.
A dessert spoon.
Sorry, cosy. Tea cosy.
A tea cosy!
- A cheese slicer.
- A bow and arrow.
Did he know what decade
or even what century he was in?
- He was a gallant, chivalrous man.
- "Marvellous stuff!"
And also, he would have a sword
on the battlefield.
That's even stupider, isn't it? Because
if you've got a bow and arrow,
you can't use a sword
at the same time.
He thought no gentleman was dressed
for battle unless they had a sword.
And he also said that
if you smile at the enemy,
they're less likely to shoot you.
- And he was...
- I wonder how he died!
- No, he was taken prisoner, in fact.
- Because he was so charming.
"Who is that devastating man
with the lovely smile?"
He was actually housed at Sachsenhausen,
which was the VIP prison camp.
The Germans thought
he was related to Winston Churchill,
which he wasn't.
Mad Jack Churchill.
Anyway, Mad Jack Churchill
didn't die until 1996, so he had
a more fortunate life than Charles
Howard, 20th Earl of Suffolk.
There's a load of Jacks.
But how did Queen Jenga
arrange her harem?
Oh, was it like that
and then that and then that?
Three rows that way
and then three rows...
For you!
You're being so kind. She was quite
a piece of work, Queen Jenga.
Bow and arrow and sword, apparently.
And sword, exactly.
He didn't think of the bells, though.
- No, the bells...
- That would have clinched it for him.
That would have been a good...
That's just to make people look up.
Ding ding ding! Who is it?
She was a 17th-century member
of the Royal Family of...
Well, she killed her brother,
who was called Ngola,
after which the country
Angola is named,
supposedly her nephew as well,
and ate his heart.
And she liked men to fight
each other to death
and the winner would
sleep with her for the night
and then be killed in the morning.
So she was...
What's the incentive to then
enter the competition?
You're killed either way,
so it's whether you get a shag
or you're killed without one.
But what kind of shag would you have
when you know at the end of it,
you're going to get murdered?
I mean, that is one tense coitus.
I think Mr Tiggy would probably be
a bit shrivelly, wouldn't he?
Yes, Mr Tiggy would.
Is that not a universal name?
Oh, my goodness.
Too much Mr Tiggy information.
There must be the promise of a reprieve.
Well, you'd think if you were
really, really good.
"If you really please me,
I will not kill you with my bells."
"Or my sword or my big bag."
What's the bell for? Is that
to just give somebody tinnitus
before they're eviscerated, or something?
- Room service.
- She was not a...
- She was not a...
- You rang?
She was not a kindly soul,
it must be said.
But what of the game Jenga?
What do we know of its origins?
Does it mean something?
- Is it Scandinavian?
- It does mean something.
It's a Swahili word, so it is African,
in fact. It's from the...
Swahili for "timber!"
Actually, the reverse.
It's the Swahili for to build
and it was invented by
a woman called Leslie Scott
and she's still with us, I think,
so it is pretty recent.
You can always get
giant versions of it.
We had a giant one. We thought
it'd be a great thing to have
at a party with lots of toddlers
around, but actually,
three or four of them
got quite severely injured.
Whoops!
Yeah. 'Cause you build them up
and say, "The kids will like that,"
and you wonder off and have a glass
of Pimm's and suddenly there's...
- Blood everywhere!
- Yeah.
Slaughter! Infanticide!
Buried underneath a lot of...
"Where's Timmy?"
"I don't know."
"He's under the Jenga!"
That's an extremely middle-class
form of neglect, isn't it?
Crushed by the Jenga.
I've never liked Jenga.
Yes, why does it have to be plain wood?
It makes it look like it was
invented at the time of Boudica.
- Yeah. Make it...
- It could be colourful wood.
There are versions with coloured wood.
There are adult truth-or-dare versions,
there are rolling dice versions.
People have tried
all kinds of variations.
What about a Lego version?
And then, you know...
Too easy, do you think?
Trying to get one out
would not be easy.
You could play it
with cement and bricks.
Then you're just building a house.
It's just construction.
Gold bars!
Well, the only limit
is your imagination.
Surely that's not
Jenga's slogan, is it?
I'd say there are
severe limits to that game
within even my limited imagination.
I think their slogan is
"This summer..."
"Logs will fall."
- Are the children safe? "Waah!"
- How many...
Oh, my God, yeah!
It's like The Borrowers.
How many pieces are there?
- 90.
- Too many.
- Nine... What?
- 90.
No, it's got to be a
number that's divisible by three.
- Intelligence. That's nice to hear.
- 90 is a number divisible by three.
- Divisible by three.
- 335!
- I said 90!
- Yeah, yeah.
Well, that's true, it is. Damn!
Hoist by my own petard!
Are there not 90, then?
- No, there are 54. 18 rows.
- A triple 18.
I'm quite good with threes,
because of the dartboard.
- 54, also divisible by three.
- Yeah.
You can tell whether a number is
divisible by three if you add up...
Like 54, you add the five and four
and if that's divisible by three,
the number is divisible by three.
- That's very true.
- Where were you when I was seven?
If it's divisible by nine, you add
the numbers and they add up to nine.
- 81, 72...
- Oh, God!
- 54 again.
- Does it work over 100?
Yes, always. Nine's a freakish,
fantastic, great number.
You add up the digits
until you come to a single number.
108, 117, 126,
- 135, 144, 153...
- Yeah. All add up to nine.
All working. 162.
How long have we got?
- You've lost me, I'm afraid.
- 171, 180, yeah.
It is amazing, isn't it?
It's really just, "Coo-wow!"
- Maybe God's a mathematician.
- Up to 180, and then 189...
- Yeah, is 17+1,
- Is still...
which is 18, and 8+1 is 9.
- Oh, you can do it that way?
- Yes, it still reduces down to nine.
- And keep going?
- That's right.
Until you get it
down to a single number.
I don't know whether to cry
or wet myself with excitement.
- I'm going to do both.
- I always do both.
Exciting news for home learners!
Describe the best ever game
of royal hide and seek.
Well, I presume the Hampton Court
Maze is involved.
Well, no, actually. That's
just sort of giving an example.
Oh, no.
- Up the tree. The Royal Oak.
- That's certainly...
that was pretty good.
I mean, he hid.
The princes in the Tower,
and they hid so well
that it was hundreds of years
and then they were skeletons.
Is it any game of hide and seek
in which you never find
Prince Edward again?
No. Remember,
we're in the world of Js.
- Now, the Civil War, Charles I.
- John.
- No, Charles I had two sons.
- And there's a J in it.
Charles, who became Charles II.
- And James...
- And James. Who became?
- James I.
- No. James II.
It makes sense, because
The Second was their surname
and they were brothers.
That's what, yeah.
They're like the boys from the band Blue.
There's Duncan from Blue,
and there's Simon from Blue.
They're all related as well,
aren't they?
Well, James was imprisoned
at St James's Palace.
Named not after him,
but the saint, of course.
Oh, what an ordeal(!)
Yeah, I know.
He used to play hide
and seek and he was so good at it
that the servants would spend hours
looking for him and...
Oh, they wouldn't look for him at all.
He'd be hiding
and they'd go and have lunch.
"Another game of hide and seek?"
"Yes."
"Oh, we couldn't find you, sir."
It was all part of his plan,
because one day he managed
to get hold of the gardener's key,
and while playing hide and seek
he actually escaped from the Palace
and met up with a Colonel
Blumpstead, or some similar name,
who was a royalist, as you would be
if you were called Blumpstead.
"Oh, Blumpstead, Blumpstead!"
And he escaped to Holland,
where he lived a happy life.
It was actually Bampfield,
not Blumpstead.
But still, "Bampfield"
is clearly a royalist.
So are you saying the hide and seek
prowess was sort of
all part of the strategy,
- or that was just a happy...?
- Yeah, preparing for an escape.
- Oh, I see.
- At the age of 12.
It's like the Shawshank Redemption.
Yeah, except he was 12,
which is impressive.
- He was 12?!
- He was 12, so it's quite impressive.
- He was only 12.
- Brilliant.
How does he come into contact
with Major Bampfield?
I guess secret messages
were passed in some way...
You've got to be careful as a boy,
running away with a random colonel.
- To Amsterdam.
- Especially...
You can't be sure. I mean,
he might be a royalist, or...
He might not be.
Especially to Amsterdam,
yes, quite. No, you're right.
"Come with me,
it's going to be such fun."
"No, really, I am seriously a colonel."
Possibly the saddest story of
hide and seek that you can think of,
although it has a kind of
happy ending, is Liu Wei,
a Chinese pianist
who was playing hide and seek
and he electrocuted himself
so badly that he lost both his arms
so he learnt to play the piano
with his toes, and in 2010,
he won China's Got Talent!
Which is rather pleasing.
So he can play,
and all of his toes work...?
All of his toes, they look like fingers.
It's astonishing, really amazing.
Are you sure he just hasn't
got his head in the wrong place?
He's got his hands
down a pair of trousers.
"Look at my toes! Look at my toes!
"Now I take my socks off...
"Playing the piano
with my toes, everyone!"
He's saying he's a man who
can play the piano with his feet.
He's a man with a penis
that looks like a face.
Still, he wins China's Got Talent.
I'm sure "Si-mon Cao-wel"
would have checked out
his credentials in every respect.
So, while on the subject of King James's,
imagine that Jamie Oliver was to be
crowned the next king of England.
- It's sort of...
- Not inconceivable.
Not inconceivable in the strange
world in which we live.
President Oliver.
What number James would he be?
What would be his regnal number,
as the official says it?
It would be different
in England from Scotland.
No, there's just one UK,
so it would be the same in both,
but what would it be?
I'm desperate to say James III.
Yes!
No.
No, because what happened was,
when Elizabeth was crowned,
60 years ago, she was of course
called Queen Elizabeth II.
But in Scotland,
there was a bit of an outcry.
Because she wasn't the second
Queen Elizabeth in Scotland,
she was the first.
They had Mary Queen of Scots
when Elizabeth I was on the throne.
So a few early "E II R" pillar boxes
were trashed in Scotland
and there was a big fuss.
And Winston Churchill,
who was Prime Minister in 1953,
- he sort of decided that there...
- This is 350 years later!
I know, people have
long memories on these things.
So Churchill essentially
laid down a convention
whereby UK monarchs
would be numbered uniformly
according to either
an English or Scottish reckoning,
whichever was higher.
So James I of England
was James the...?
Sixth.
...VI of Scotland.
So James II was James VII,
so if there were another James,
he would be called James VIII.
That would be the procedure.
I worry when
you say things like this
that you're the only person who knows.
And if Jamie Oliver did become king
and you weren't around to tell them,
they might get it wrong.
That's sweet.
You need to leave these things
in a notebook somewhere.
We need to get some tablets
for you to...
Princess Anne looks a lot like
my daughter in that picture,
quite disturbingly.
Gosh! She's very young there,
isn't she?
I feel sorry for all
the other finalists to be Queen.
There is also unresolved controversy
over the naming of the QE2.
Do you know what this might be?
I've always wondered,
I was never sure whether the QE2
was named after Queen Elizabeth II,
or was the second ship
called Queen Elizabeth?
- Yes.
- Because there's a Queen Mary 2.
Exactly. It's the second vessel of the
Cunard line to be called Queen Mary.
And opinion is divided, but a lot
of people think it was literally
just the second ship to be called
Queen Elizabeth.
But the Queen herself,
when launching it, saying,
"I name this ship
Queen Elizabeth The Second"
so Cunard had to rename it,
basically, because she'd done it.
I was once invited to the launching
of a Swan Hellenic cruise liner
and they said, "So, you say your
speech, and then you hand over
to Dame Kiri Te Kanawa,
who will do the launching."
I said, "Oh, I'm not
going to do the launching?"
They said, "You can't launch a ship!
"You're a man!" Did you know
that men can't launch ships?
- So only women can launch ships?
- Yes, because I think
- it was Edward VII or someone...
- It's bad luck, isn't it?
launched the Lusitania and the Titanic,
and marine people
are quite superstitious.
And women moan
about the glass ceiling!
We can't even launch ships!
We don't want top-level employment,
we just want to smash a bottle
of champagne against a ship.
Everyone wants to launch ships.
It's the best job!
- It's just that.
- Yeah.
You've got to say,
"I name this ship..."
- "Barry."
- "Barry."
Smash.
Yeah. So there is indeed
controversy. Opinion is divided.
How does the Siberian Jay
stick his nuts to a tree?
- It's not snot?
- It's not.
Beak mucus?
- Saliva.
- Tears?
He uses saliva.
- Tears!
- "Oh, it's so cold here".
"Thank God my nuts have stuck."
90% of all the oaks in Britain
are germinated, as it were,
by the European Jay.
They collect over a billion a year
and bury them in the ground.
They can have nine in their gullet
and one in their beak.
Is it from whole acorns or
is it because they've eaten them?
They hold them in their gullet,
then bury them
in the same way squirrels do
with nuts, but the point is,
the Siberian Jay lives in
a very cold climate, of course,
and it's harder to bury things
cos of the impacted ice
so it sticks the nuts it gets from its
trees with its saliva to the tree itself.
Does that mean you get trees
growing off trees?
It's like the jay...
I imagine after a night out,
it would be the Siberian Jay version
of a street of kebab shops.
They can just fly down an avenue
of trees, just snacking...
- On a snotty nut!
- Yeah. On a snotty nut.
It's probably quite lucky, isn't it,
that nothing germinates
from a discarded kebab?
Our city centres
would be even worse.
These little disgusting saplings
with doner meat coming off them.
Oh, a very Doctor Who nightmare,
isn't it?
Anyway, how did the first person
to realise they were colour-blind
know they were colour-blind?
Did they say,
"Ah, the red shoots of spring"?
Undoubtedly someone
would have corrected them.
"I'm giving a green light to a bull."
Do you know the name for the classic
sort of colour-blindness?
I know the guy who it was,
a guy called John Dalton.
That's right!
That's right, John Dalton.
Well done. Points, definitely.
There he is. He was a very
brilliant and precocious child
from a Quaker family.
By the age of 12,
he was supervising the school
but he made a rather drastic error,
given that he was a Quaker
and therefore from
a rather pious family
and he decided to buy his mother
a pair of bloomers...
They weren't bloomers in those days,
a pair of stockings, for her birthday.
And they were a vivid red
and he thought they were blue.
And she was shocked, because
red was the colour of a whore.
And to buy your mother red pants
was just not done.
Buying your mother pants is normal!
Buying red pants, that's weird.
But then, the other thing is,
he noticed that his brother
didn't tell the difference either
so made the connection, which holds true,
that there is a genetic disposition
towards colour-blindness.
So he's the first person
to point out it's genetic
because his brother
also has the condition
and this is obviously pre-genetics.
Oh, yes. Not genetic, but family,
sort of related,
inherited traits were understood.
He actually thought the reason for it
was that the liquid in the eye
which we all have
was tinted blue, which was making
him see wrong
and when he died, he'd ordered that
his eyeballs be dug out and squirted
and that instantly proved
that they weren't tinted blue.
We now know that it's a problem
with the cones of the eye.
Is there red-blue colour-blindness?
I thought it was just red-green.
Red-green, yes, but they
see it as a kind of... I say they,
there are lots of different types
of colour-blindness. Strangely,
there are four top 20 billiards...
Snooker players, I beg your pardon,
Peter Ebdon, of course,
who are colour-blind.
That's gonna be awkward.
Just occasionally, they have
to ask the referee which ball...
Which is the table
and which is the ball?
He can't be doing well there, if you
look. All the reds are over there.
He's ground his way
into a World Championship
so it's not done him any harm.
You know traffic police play
snooker? Did you know about that?
They're bored in a lay-by,
they first have to book a red car
and that's one point,
so they chase the red car,
find something wrong with it,
give them a fine because
they've got one rear light missing
and then they can choose any colour.
Say they'll go for a black car
for seven points,
then a blue car will be five points,
then they go back to red
until they've done 15 reds.
Let's all get white cars.
Then they can just fuck off.
I'd say worse things have been done
in a lay-by than that.
Horribly true.
Horribly, horribly, horribly true.
But yes, that was Dalton's problem.
He's sure that his mother
wasn't also colour-blind
but just didn't like
being bought pants by her child?
I think we're pretty certain
about that.
I think it was perhaps more normal
to buy stockings,
shall we say, for a lady.
It's just nothing, just suspenders,
something normal to buy your mother.
A little frilly...
A French little tunic.
Everyone likes their mother
to look sexy.
Sexy and blue, not red, because
that makes her look a bit whorey.
That's going too far.
"Oh, David.
Ann Summers vouchers again!"
Is there a big drawer
full of Ann Summers vouchers?
I love that
Agent Provocateur Christmas...
What...
What do you know
of the colour-blind test cards?
What are you seeing on there?
- The number 74.
- Very clear. Well done.
I can see it, but not very clearly.
So what does it mean they can't
become if they're...?
- Pilots?
- Well, no, oddly enough.
Snooker players. No, of course not.
- We know they can be world champions.
- Bullfighters.
Actually, it's a myth that you
can't be a pilot if you're colour-blind.
It's only if you're very severely
colour-blind that you're disallowed.
You can't tell the difference between
the blue sky and the green land?
- Yes, something like that.
- And the grey tarmac.
The very worst kind of
colour-blindness, or "blindness".
Anyway, they're called
the Ishihara tests,
devised by Shinobu Ishihara, who
worked at a military medical school
and was asked to screen military
recruits for abnormalities
for colour vision. The first plate,
that's an orange number 12,
I'm sure you can see.
This was used in the army
to weed out draft dodgers
because if they pretended
they couldn't see that it was a 12,
they knew they were lying,
as everyone who can see
can see that's a 12.
There's no kind of colour-blindness
that can mistake those two.
And I was feeling proud
of being able to see it.
But don't despair
if you're colour-blind.
There is one advantage
you might have.
Can you think what that would be?
Ration books?
Something with colour?
No, you're less likely
to be fooled by camouflage.
Because the tamarind, the New World
monkey, is colour-blind. And...
The tamarind is much, much better
at eating insects that are disguised
as leaves or twigs or whatever
than other mammals or birds
who eat insects
because they rely on colour
more for identifying things.
so colour-blind people were used
often for spotting, you know...
"Ah, I can see tanks
covered in a drape," for example.
What begins with J
and was used by the first man to row
the Atlantic to attempt suicide?
Jizz.
Suicide by jizz?
On any level, I mean...
Jill the ferret,
sex-starved for 364 days,
attacked him in an erotic frenzy.
- Yeah?
- Jellyfish.
That's...
That's something that can
kill you and they are in the sea.
You're right.
It's slightly confusing.
He just happened to be the first man
to row the Atlantic.
- But it wasn't while he was on the boat?
- No.
He was a very extraordinary...
As a child, he nicked a pistol
from his Scout troop leader
and fired at his fellow Scouts
and was expelled from the Scout
movement...
And got a badge for it.
- Accuracy!
- Yes!
But then at age 13, he ran away
from home to live in the jungle.
In his early 20s, he met a pirate,
who taught him to be a pirate
and he pirated his way
around the Caribbean,
smuggling liquor
and cigarettes and things
and then in 1969, January 20th,
he pushed off from the Canary
Islands in a self-rising rowing boat
and rowed all the way to Florida.
It took him 180 days and he was
the first person to do that.
But it was when he was
in the jungle in South America
that he despaired of his life
and so he wanted to be killed
by something beginning with J.
Oh. Is it a jaguar?
Is the right answer!
Jaguar! Exactly.
So what did he do? Did he go out
in a meat skirt and a meat helmet
and just wait there in the middle
of the jungle?
Well, in a sense...
No, he just wound them up all night
by teasing and taunting them.
"You look like a cougar.
No-one can tell the difference."
"You're a panther!"
The odd thing is, that he kept a gun
by his side in case he changed his mind
and as the jaguar attacked,
he did change his mind
and shot it dead
and then sold its skin,
so it was a bit, frankly, unfair
on the jaguar.
- So he didn't die?
- So he was just lying?
Basically lying?
He really wanted to end his life
so he went out...
- He had a gun!
- ...and aggravated...
- He also had a spear!
- I know, if he really meant it...
I don't believe this bloke! I'm sorry.
"I don't know how to kill myself."
"I'm going to wait here
for a big cat to arrive."
Sit here winding up jaguars for days.
- He was just doing it for attention.
- Yes, I think so.
The J part of it is that his name
is John Fairfax, and if you look up
who the first person to row
the Atlantic single-handed was,
it was John.
Good old Johnny Fairfax. Absolutely.
Now, who's this?
What are they doing?
"I thought it would be
ten times as exciting
as a swing boat
at the fair, but it wasn't."
"There was no sensation,
just a lot of noise and wind."
"My hair was blown
into a tangled mess
which couldn't be combed out for days."
The inventor of the hairdryer.
Is it Brian May on
the latest Thorpe Park ride?
Well, we're with a transport
experience and this person
was famous for their achievement in
it, but the first time they tried it
they found it horrible,
- noisy, windy.
- Amy Johnson?
Amy Johnson is the right answer!
Very good.
- It's a J,
- It's a J.
There she is.
That's the J.
And what was her great feat?
- She...
- Flew the Atlantic.
- No, that was Alcock and Brown.
- Flew across America.
- No, she flew from...
- Flew to the moon.
She flew from Britain to Australia.
- To Australia?
- Yeah.
- That's a heck of a flight.
- Did she ever come back?
Yes, she certainly did, and when
she came back, she landed at
what was then the sort of London
Airport, which was Croydon Airport,
and there were 200,000 people
there to meet her.
- You're kidding?
- No, it was a sensation of the age.
Was there a car boot sale
going on as well?
No. There was...
She had a 12-mile parade through London.
So she was describing when
she first got into an aeroplane,
and first flew?
She absolutely hated it.
But she stuck with it and became,
obviously, incredibly good at it.
So yes, now then,
talking of flight, I want you all
to do a jolly jape now,
which is make a dart, a paper dart,
and see the person who can throw it
the furthest wins.
Talk amongst yourselves.
There are various kinds you can do,
just try the type you did at school.
Oh, I've totally forgotten
how to do this.
And obviously take your time,
as quickly as you can.
Thing is, I'm going to make one the
way we used to make them at school,
knowing fully they didn't fly very well.
Well, some people were good at it
and some people weren't.
Interested to see how
well you're doing.
Precision engineering.
Oops, I've made a hat.
I'm gonna put little flaps on mine,
is that all right? And a tail.
I've just had that idea!
You seem to be ready, who's ready?
David, have a go.
As far as you can go.
Not bad.
Should you throw or
should you cast like a bowler?
Ah. Well, it's up to you.
Yours looks great, I have to say.
- It went up because of the flaps.
- Yeah. Your flaps.
- Corrugated roof tiles.
- Flaps gave it lift.
Watch out in the back row,
this is going to be lethal.
It's one of those stealth ones,
you won't be able to see it,
you won't be able to measure it.
You can buy it from Wickes,
"It's got her name on it." Oh!
A suicide plane.
That's impossible.
- It defies all laws of physics.
- I thought it was acrobatics.
- Sue, your chance for glory.
- I don't think it's going to happen.
Well, despite the brilliance
of Amy Johnson...
But would you be surprised to know
that the paper aeroplane
that goes the furthest
looks like this?
- Stop it!
- Yeah, that's a bracelet.
I know, it seems hardly credible.
What do you do?
You just scrunch it up and chuck it.
I'm unfortunately not very good
at throwing it.
I've practised a bit, but
the world record is 200 yards.
- No way!
- I'm not kidding you.
-Straight down.
- You're supposed to give it a twist.
That's why I'm not good at it, I've
never thrown an American football.
You do it in the style
of an American football.
- Whoa!
- There you go!
- That's amazing!
- Pretty good, isn't it?
And that's...
So why aren't all aeroplanes
designed like that?
It was invented by a man called Mark
Forti, whose father worked for NASA.
Oh, what a cheat.
Yes, it's a short plastic cylinder,
slightly weighted on the leading
edge and that's as simple as that.
So you use sticky-back plastic,
which some purists would say
doesn't make it a proper aeroplane,
because it has to be slightly
heavier at the front.
You would not imagine that was
so aerodynamic a shape as a dart,
which just to our eyes looks right,
doesn't it?
- Is that the future of aeroplanes?
- Darts, the future of darts.
I thought you said "ducks".
They're going to evolve into kind of
cylindrical, little beaks at the top.
Yeah, birds everywhere are
watching this programme,
"What have we been doing
all these... All this?"
"We should have just done that!"
"And just jumped.
What have we been doing?!"
But we were saying
earlier about Amy Johnson,
almost gave up flying because
it made such a mess of her hair.
Can you remember who wrote
the first dictionary in English?
- Oh, yes. Johnson.
- Samuel Johnson.
Samuel Johnson!
No, it wasn't Samuel Johnson.
I led you down the garden path
and spanked you.
- Baldrick.
- Baldrick!
"B."
Probably a B, yes.
"We're going to have to write
the whole dictionary tonight!"
Yes. Dr Johnson's dictionary,
written in the earlier part
of the 18th century,
was preceded by, well, there was...
- Famously, the first dictionary.
- There were lots, weren't there?
There was a Richard Mulcaster
in the 16th century,
who came up with the name
football, in fact, and indeed,
invented refereeing and
the idea of football teams,
but he wrote Elementary in 1582,
which was the first to gather
"All the words which we use
in our English tung, out of all
professions, as well learned as not,
into one dictionarie."
But he didn't give definitions.
He just listed all the words
that he thought there existed.
But in Robert Cawdrey's
Table Alphabeticall, of 1604,
not only listed words,
but gave definitions, so it was
perhaps the first true dictionary,
in the sense that we know it.
It listed around 3,000 hard words,
as he called them, defining each one.
So then Johnson's dictionary
had how many entries?
At around the time there were
about 250,000 or 300,000 words.
- How many did he list?
- 42.
- Oh, you were so close. 42,000.
- Thousand.
That was really close. 42,773.
But we've got some Johnson words
that have gone out of use.
Maybe you can imagine
what they mean.
Tonguepad.
- Mouth-friend?
- Mouth-friend.
Don't we all need a mouth-friend?
Sometimes we certainly do need
a tonguepad and a mouth-friend.
Sometimes I like a frigorifick.
- I hear you, girl!
- Frigorifick.
Yeah. We've all been frigorifick
in our time.
- A depucelate is...
- That's a coffee.
- I think it's single shot, isn't it?
- You can get those in, yeah, Starbucks.
It's not "depu-kela-tay,"
it's depucelate.
That's what you do before
a big date, isn't it?
If you're meeting a mouth-friend.
You get a bit tonguepad.
Slip of the old shapesmith.
Is a shapesmith
just a rubbish blacksmith?
No, a shapesmith is basically what we...
- "I've done a thing."
- There you are.
"You a bit of a shapesmith?"
"Yeah."
It sort of looks like a doorknob.
It's not a horseshoe,
but it's sort of
horse jewellery in some way.
- Like a horse clog.
- A horse nipple clamp.
They founded Camden Market
and sold all that crap.
No, a shapesmith is actually what
we would call a personal trainer,
someone who gets you into shape and
improves the shape of your body.
Time for that word to come back.
Exactly.
- "I'm going to see my shapesmith."
- My shapesmith, yeah.
"Personal trainer," hate that.
A tonguepad is just a talker,
someone who natters all the time.
- A mouth-friend is...
- Gossip?
No, someone who is
a friend to your face,
- but is duplicitous behind your back.
- Oh, God, I know a few of those.
Yeah, a few mouth-friends,
pretends to be your friend.
To depucelate is to deflower,
to bereave of virginity.
It's not a bereavement!
Let's not see it as that.
Frigorifick sounds like something Del
Boy might say, but what is frig...?
Actually, I suppose...
It's probably rather badly spelt.
We should pronounce - yes, cold -
we should pronounce it
"frijorifick", probably.
It just means causing cold,
something that's frigorifick causes cold.
Some of his definitions
were just a little bit lazy.
"Sock. Something put between
the foot and the shoe."
He must have thought, though,
because you know, previous diction...
The one before, you say
had been just of hard words.
He must have thought,
"Everyone knows what a sock is!"
- If you can read...
- "If you've got this book
and you don't know what a sock is,
then I can't help you."
Exactly. Oats was a famous one.
He said horrible things about the
Scots in his one on oats, didn't he?
He did. He said
"a grain which in England
is generally given to horses, but
in Scotland supports the people."
He describes "to worm" -
"to deprive a dog of something,
nobody knows what, under his tongue,
which is said to prevent him,
nobody knows why, from running mad."
- It's a very strange...
- Wasn't a scientist, then.
No, I think probably not.
He was one of our greatest
men of letters.
Well, we've come to the amen,
because it's time for the scores.
It's all we've got time for.
Let's see who's hit the jackpot.
Well...
He's died!
I'm afraid it's Sue who's died
in last place, with minus 12.
And really, it's a massive step up for Alan,
- on our third place, with minus seven.
- Thank you very much.
Robbed.
And having been depucelated, QI-wise,
it's pretty impressive to break your
virginity with minus three, Katy.
But our mouth-friend of the week,
clear winner on plus five,
is David Mitchell.
So, this is where we jack it all in
and say that's all from Sue,
David, Katy, Alan and me.
Be excessively nice to each other.
Good night.