QI (2003–…): Season 10, Episode 11 - Jumpers - full transcript

This programme contains
some strong language.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Well...

goo-oo-oo-ood evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening,

good evening, good evening,

and to some extent, good evening,
and welcome to QI,

where tonight, the joint is jumping!

Lots of hoops to get through,
so let's meet our jumpers.

A classy thoroughbred,
Julian Clary.

APPLAUSE

Fit as a flea, Ross Noble.



APPLAUSE

The human pogo stick, Bill Bailey.

APPLAUSE

And a nice, warm, woolly top,
Alan Davies.

Very kind.

APPLAUSE

There we are.

So, they've all got buzzers,
and Julian goes...

MUSIC: "Jump Around"
by House of Pain

I'm not happy.
LAUGHTER

Something to do with jumping
in there, I believe,
in the pop music sphere.

Ross goes...

MUSIC: "Jump (For My Love)"
by the Pointer Sisters

Good overbite.



That also had "jump". Bill goes...

MUSIC: "Jump"
by Van Halen

I've no idea what that means.

That was a Van Halen!

Alan goes...

MUSIC: "Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport"
by Rolf Harris

LAUGHTER

Aw. A little jumpy thing, too.

So, it's "jumpers".

First tonight, I'd like you all
to give me your impression of
some Mexican jumping beans.

MEXICAN VOICE: "Hello there,
we are jumping beans."
LAUGHTER

"We like to do the jumping,
we cannot help ourselves."

"Higher!"

♪ La cucaracha, la cucaracha. ♪

I have to say, there is...

They're not jumping.

- ..a slight embarrassment here.
- What's happened?

We ordered the Mexican jumping beans
over the internet,

and they arrived in
fully jumping form...

but they have since died.

LAUGHTER

I think you've been had.
This is a hazelnut.

Yeah.

It looks like...
I know it looks like a hazelnut.

Here they are.

They're more like
"Mexican fidgeting beans."

LAUGHTER

Yeah.

- Can I just say that, in a wildlife
documentary, that's a pretty poor
excuse, isn't it? - Yeah, it is.

"We had some snakes earlier,
but when they came in the post..."

LAUGHTER

- "DHL tried to wedge them through
the..." - I know. It's deeply shaming.

- How were they mistreated, then?
What's happened? - Well...

Because Springwatch
will hear of this!

I know.
LAUGHTER

Can we revive them with
some powdered Doritos?
LAUGHTER

Play some Mexican music and
they'll be up and running again.

STEPHEN HUMS LA CUCARACHA

- I've cracked one open, there's
something in it. - There is.

- A tiny battery. - Yes.

LAUGHTER
There's a creature.

There IS a creature in there,
there's a larva.

- A larva which has now sadly died...
- They've hatched. They've become...

Is it a flea of some kind?
Is it a Coleoptera?
Is it from the Coleopteras?

You're wanting to say "beetle",
aren't you?

- I want to say "beetle".
I said "Coleoptera". - Which is even...
To try and do my best.

..a really smart way
of saying "beetle".

Yeah, because this is
that sort of programme, isn't it?
It's not BBC Breakfast,

where they have pinheads
who wouldn't know a...

I want you to say not "Coleoptera",
but "Lepidoptera".

Oh! You mean butterflies?

- Well...moths. - Moths?

- Yes. They're the larva of a moth.
- Ah, right.

And to be fair, they are seeds,
not beans.

Up to 20 million of them are
exported from Mexico, every year,

around the world, as a novelty...

For comedy purposes.

Yeah, for comedy purposes.

Anyway, the "Mexican jumping bean"
isn't really a bean,

but it does jump
and it does come from Mexico.

- From the Sonoran Desert, in fact.
- Oh, right.

In Sonora, we're going to stay.

What's unusual about
Bailey's pocket mouse?

LAUGHTER

Wait a minute!

Obviously, Bailey's pocket mouse
doesn't look like that.

No.

If you take away
the handsome features, that's it -
Bailey's pocket mouse.

Is it some sort of desert mouse
that doesn't drink, or something?

Well, you're almost right.
You're very close.

Oh, it does drink, but only Bailey's.

LAUGHTER

That's right.

It shins up the bottle, like that.

And it brings its own
miniature parasol.

There is a particular
oil-bearing plant in Mexico...

Jojoba.

Yes!

APPLAUSE

And it was thought for many
years that the Bailey's mouse

was the only one that could
tolerate eating it,

because it is, basically,
disgusting to all other animals.

So they can survive on shampoo?

Well, that's the point, yeah.
It has then become a useful oil.

Since whaling stopped, it has some
of the same properties as whale oil.

A lot easier to apprehend.

Yeah, than a whale, exactly.
You just get hold of a jojoba plant

and it gives off this oil.

But very few animals eat it. And
very few animals are tolerant of it,

because it is a disgusting oil.

But not if you're a Bailey's mouse,
it's not.

Exactly. And it was thought to be
the only animal that could eat it,

and, in fact, three others
have since been discovered

that are also capable
of surviving on jojoba.

Pete Burns.

LAUGHTER

Pete Burns is one.
Shaun Ryder is another.

Yes.

- Bez. - And Bez, yes.
That's your three go-to jojoba guys.

As an oil, it's a laxative, and so
some people use it as a frying oil,

except that when you fry things
in it,

it just runs through you.

So it's just a good way
of keeping on a diet.

But mostly Jojoba is used for?

- Shampoo. - Your skin.

Your skin, shampoo,
cosmetics and things.

Yes.

- Who was it who made jojoba famous?
- Billy Connolly.

Billy Connolly, exactly,
did a famous routine about...

BILLY CONNOLLY VOICE: "Jojoba.
What's that? What the fuck's that,
jojoba? Jojoba?!"

LAUGHTER

He has a way of repeating words,
Billy Connolly,

that I remember many years ago,

when, for the first time,
he was elected President of Israel,

- and I got this phone call...
- Billy Connolly was?! - No.

LAUGHTER

I may have...

BILLY CONNOLLY VOICE:
"Mate, I'll tell you what.
Israel, it's a lovely place."

I may have phrased this
the wrong way, but this
particular person had been,

and the phone rang and it was
Billy Connolly. He didn't introduce
himself, he just went,

"Benjamin Netanyahu?!"

LAUGHTER

And I said, "What?" He said,
"Benjamin Netanyahu?!"

And I said, "Sorry, who is this?"
He went, "Benjamin Netanyahu?!

"What's that about? For fuck's sake,
Benjamin Netanyahu?!"

And then he put the phone down.

LAUGHTER

It was Billy Connolly riffing on
the name "Benjamin Netanyahu."

Yeah, and he would have done
the same with "jojoba."

- "Jojoba." - "Jojoba."

- "The month before November," that
was the joke, wasn't it? - Exactly.

Sometimes Paul O'Grady
phones me up and just goes...

PAUL O'GRADY VOICE: "Ooh, ah, ah,
fucking shite..."

LAUGHTER

Then hangs up.

"What's that, get that, no, stop it.
No, don't."

- He doesn't say, "No, don't." - Doesn't
he? - No, that's Frankie Howerd.

Oh, damn!

LAUGHTER

So easily confused.

That was your jojoba.

Now, who put jolly jumpers
on their skyscrapers?

Is it Cockney rhyming slang?
"Jumpers on your skyscrapers."

Doesn't rhyme with anything,
how could it be?
LAUGHTER

It makes no sense at all.
Cockney not-rhyming slang.

COCKNEY VOICE: "I'll put a jumper
on the skyscraper."
"What's a skyscraper?"

It rhymes with "rapers,"
that's all I can...

Oh, stop it. Stop it right now. No.

They swoop out of the sky
and have you.

COCKNEY ACCENT: "A horrible bunch
of skyscrapers."

Go back in time, go back in
time, before tall buildings.

- What was a skyscraper before
there were such things? - A tree?

No.
LAUGHTER

- A hut. - Was it an erection?
LAUGHTER

No. No, it wasn't that.

Some sort of plane or aviation
device? Was it an aviation device?

Look at the picture, and think...

- A sail, a mast...! - Oh!

Yes. The top one was
called the skyscraper,

but above it, there
would be another one,

which was called the jolly jumper.

And the jolly jumper was
the highest sail on a boat.

So, it would be a sailor who would
put a jolly jumper on a skyscraper.

Ah!

- Isn't that pleasing?
- That is quite...

Yeah. I'm glad you're interested.

Crow's nest - vest!

LAUGHTER

Spinnaker... Spinnaker...

Football commentator!

LAUGHTER

So, but, anyway, talking
on skyscrapers and jumping -

and jumping is of course our theme -

there's a famous kind of jumping
that originated in Polynesia.

- Bungee? - Bungee?
- Bungee jumping - how did that begin?

- It was the tribesmen with the twines,
tying themselves up. - Yes.

- They used vines.
- Yeah. Vines, twines... Yeah.

- Rhyming slang, wasn't it?
- Vine, twine...

- Swine, bine... Yeah.
- No, no, vines. So, they tie
it round, and then they jump,

- but they didn't sort of go like that.
- They'd tie it round their ankle.

- It would go into the mud, their head,
right into the mud. - Exactly.

And we have film of precisely that.
Here you are - it's pretty scary.

Whoa!

- That's... - What an idiot! Ha-ha-ha!

LAUGHTER

Look at them,
laughing their heads off!

That's the Pentecost Islands,
in the South Seas,

where it was first observed.

And do you know who brought it
to the world's attention?

- Butlins. - Er, no.
LAUGHTER

It was David Attenborough,
50 years ago,

did a documentary
in which he showed this,

and then Oxford Dangerous Sports
Society started doing it

- off Clifton Suspension Bridge...
- Yes.

But the first official
bungee jumping

- was done by AJ Hackett in New
Zealand. - New Zealand, Queenstown.

Near Queenstown. There's the bridge.

And you're about to
see a superhero -

a man of astounding
courage and bravery -

do a bungee jump off
the original AJ Hackett bridge.

There he is. Can you see him there?
He's fat,

he's... It's... It's me!

- ALL: Whoa! - Ooh, ow!

There I am.
That was me bungee jumping,

just last...
Earlier this year, in fact.

- Goodness me!
- And do you know, the weird thing is,

I am the biggest coward in
the world. The moment... The moment

I was picked up by the relief boat,

I said, "I want to do it again!"

The adrenalin surge is so enormous,

it is the biggest fun I've ever had.

Does it... Does it
pull at your ankles?!

The major problem usually
is detached retinas, actually.

- Yes.
- People get pop-eyed.

What about when we went scuba-diving
and your mask was too tight?

Oh! No, no, no.

- His eyes nearly came
out of his head! - Oh!

LAUGHTER

Inside the mask, these massive eyes!

We're all going, "Look at Bill!

"Check he's all right!" When
we found out he was all right,

I laughed... I laughed my head off!

- No, wait... - The thing is...

Wait, wait, wait, wait! Rewind!

Can we just go back
to the bit where you said,

when you checked we were all right,
you laughed your...

You were laughing from the minute
my face came out of the water.

LAUGHTER

There was blood
pouring out of my eyes,

- and every... - You had no idea at all!
- I had no idea.

I was going, "What?"
And people were going, "Oh, my...!"

- "Aaagh!" - "Oh, my God!"

I went, "What? What?"
Like Carrie or something,

- with blood streaming from my eyes.
- These huge great eyeballs -

- it took quite a long time for them
to recede as well. - Yes, it did.

And a lot of laughing was going on.

I thought you had some sort
of magnifying mask on,

- but when you took the mask off,
they were still enormous! - Enormous.

- Oh! - Anyway, there's an even more
extreme form of jumping,

which is bungee in the dark,

- where you can't tell how far
you've fallen. - Bungee in the dark?

< That's a cocktail!

Bungee In The Dark, please!

You have no idea how far
you're going to fall!

What are bungee ropes
usually made of?

- Elastic. - Erm, latex, yeah.

- Oh, I've got a suit in latex!
- Have you?

Just had it made.

I would like a photograph
sent to me of that, please.

LAUGHTER
In 2008, one Carl Dionisio

used one made from 18,500 whats

- joined together?
- Socks. - Also latex...

- Elastic bands? - Tights? - Condoms?

Condoms is the right answer.

That's the greatest condom bungee
of all time.

If they all inflated,
it would be like the scene from Up

when the house turns...
LAUGHTER

- It would indeed. - And was there
just loads of really tired women?

- Just... Just in his garden? - Yes!

Anyway, so jumping off a bridge
turns out to be as easy

as falling off a log.
Now, how could these weights

give you an extra 6.5 inches?

Hang 'em from your cock.

ALARM

APPLAUSE

Oh, dear.

- Wow. - Is it to do with
stretching out your spine? - No.

- There's some sort of inscription
on here. - Yes - in what language?

Sort of...San... Greek, I'd say.

- If we put...
- Greek is the right answer.

Ah, right. This is
the new Greek currency.

Er...
LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Hang on a second,
I'll just get Wilma.

Erm...

You had it the wrong way up!

- I got no signal, nothing!
- Just do it that way.

No, the other way up - that's it.

The mad thing is, if Bill and I were
to put these two things together,

we would unleash the apocalypse.

- So, you're not allowed to, yeah.
- Keep them away.

They're called halteres,
they're Greek,

and they gave you an extra
6.5 inches advantage

- at a sporting event. - Yeah? - Yeah.

Punting with rocks.

Is it that if you're hurling
them with the other hand,

- and that weight gives you
more of a spin? - That's a thought.

It's certainly an event
in which you are judged

by the greatest distance
you have covered.

- Well, the long jump is...
- Long jumping.

You use these.
At first, when people found them,

they thought they might be used
as a handicap system

for people who were better at
long jumping, to hold them back.

But actually, you wind it up,
you wind it up and wind it up

and then you jump, and it gives
you an extra 6.5 inches advantage.

And also, you look like that.

You can see them depicted there,
a pair of them hanging on the plate.

Is there some sort of checking system
in the Olympics

to check that people aren't,
you know,

- giving themselves an advantage?
- Well, nowadays,

you would not be allowed
to do that, to use these.

Metal implants in their knuckles.

LAUGHTER
You get nipples, and then, you know,

the piercings -
big magnet at the other end...

Urrrgh!

You go knockers-first
across the line.

So, the hammer, then?
I don't understand...

That's Celtic. Putting the shot was
Celtic, but the original Greek ones

were the discus, the javelin
and standing long jumps.

Standing long jumps existed
until 1912 in the Olympics.

You didn't run up,
you just went, yagh!

And the record, bizarrely,

it is pure coincidence, but the
record for the standing long jump

is 12ft, two inches.

- No way. - And it so happens... - What?

..that the distance
between there and there

is exactly 12ft, two inches.

And I'm going to do it for you now!

LAUGHTER

The world record standing long jump
is exactly that distance.

Was it set by that man with the flat
cap and the cigarette on the right?

He was furious that this bloke
was doing it

because the other bloke
copyrighted the idea.

Yeah, exactly!

Have you heard of Fierljeppen?

Leppen. It sounds Scandinavian.

It exists in East Anglia and Frisia,

mostly in Holland, though.

Oh, jumping, jumping the...

- Jumping the canals.
- ..the dykes.

Jumping between the dykes
using a pole. It's a big sport.

We do it in Norfolk,
where I come from.

You know they've got bridges now?

It's so much less fun.

And you can actually see some...

LAUGHTER

Mock ye not.

Watch some film of
some splendid Fierljeppen performers

and you will be impressed.

Here you are. Big run.

Whoa! And...

Yes! And didn't even fall over.

Oh, look at that.

Less fortunate.

Just to prove
it's not as easy as you think.

And...oh...

There you are. Fierljeppen.

Oh... That's a good one.

Yeah. You could watch that forever,
couldn't you?

They should do that instead of
straightforward pole dancing,

they should just have
a loose brass pole,

then a woman in her pants runs out.

"Wahey!" And then
it's less sexual, you know,

you can watch her arcing.

- I think it is sexual, mate.

You're in desperate,
desperate need of help, Ross.

Now, you have some jump leads
and some of old foam.

Show me how to telephone a catfish.

- Oh. - Jump leads and bits of foam.
- All right.

I want you to show me...

- Is that actually your phone?
- Oh, yeah...

LAUGHTER

Using... Using these implements,

how you would telephone...

Oh, we thought you said foam.

We were looking for a sponge!

LAUGHTER

JULIAN: What have we got to do?

Using these items, you should be
able to telephone a catfish.

This is like Blue Peter, isn't it?

Yes, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

Catfish!

LAUGHTER

- What you have to do... - Argh!

..telephone...catfish.

Hello, 118 118?

Can I have the number
of a catfish, please?

Thank you.

You're in America, catfish -
there, you can see one behind you -

a highly popular dish all over
the southern states,

Louisiana and places like that,

there's a way of catching catfish
using a telephone.

- OK, I'm just going to chuck something
out here. - Throw it at me.

I'll tell you what the thing is.

- There's a small electric current...
- Ah!

- ..that passes through
a phone line... - Yeah.

..so you isolate...

It passes here, here, here and here.

LAUGHTER

Yes, the current passes
here, here, here and here.

Point A, B... Listen carefully,
we'll say this only once.

Then you place the...er...
These are called

the, um, powerful bulldog,
um, clips -

upon the two terminals here and here.

Thus electrocuting... Aaaaagh!

I think you've connected
the same wire to itself.

Yes, yes, there are a few
teething problems, obviously.

So there we are,
there we have a current.

There's a copper bit there,
that must be doing something.

- Now you place these in the water,
near the catfish. - Yes.

Then you dial - I don't know -
1 800 Catfish...

LAUGHTER

And it causes a small current
to pass through the water,

- stunning the catfish, which floats to
the surface. - You're absolutely right.

It was in the early days of
telephones actually, to be honest,

when they used these magnetos,

it was the old dialaphone thing,

and you would take that from
your phone, the old wind-up phone,

and you'd crank the handle,

the fish would be stunned
by the electrical current

and you would simply scoop them up
and take them home.

So it's not specific to catfish?

Well, it was used for catfish

and it was so successful
that it became essentially illegal

because it over-fished
the catfish population.

I've seen someone doing that
in Thailand with a car battery

- slung over his shoulder on a strap.
- I know, they do it.

And a pole, and just wading up
to his knees and zapping fish.

And as you'll know, Bill,

- in Indonesia, they use cyanide and
dynamite to fish. - On the tourists!

Yeah.
LAUGHTER

In Georgia in 1955

you could get 30 days on a chain
gang for telephoning a fish.

It was called, literally,
telephoning the fish.

There's an academic study called,

Telephoning Fish: An Examination Of
The Creative Deviance

Used By Wildlife Violators
In The United States.

- Cor! - It was that big of a problem.

You could probably smash a rabbit's
head in with that as well.

BILL: There's a lot of wildlife could
meet a terrible end from this stuff.

You know, round a panther...

LAUGHTER

There was another thing they used to
do which was a way of poaching deer.

In the evenings the deer
would mingle with cattle.

- Socially? - Socially, yeah.

And you could crawl up behind a cow,
with a pistol,

and you'd shoot the deer.

But the problem is,

you're in the middle of a field
and you're miles from home,

so what you would then do is
you would get an air pump,

and you would place it
up the rectum of the deer,

and you would pump it full of air

and you'd put it on the river

and it would float downstream
to your partner,

who would then place it on the boat.

It was a way of transporting
poached deer,

- by pumping them up.
- By pumping them with air.

- Up the jacksy. - I thought they were
standing behind the cow

to shoot the deer so the other
deer would think the cow did it.

LAUGHTER

But actually it goes
further back than that.

Native Americans
used walnuts and buckeye leaves

to grind and drop in the water

which would instantly de-oxygenate
the water downstream

and the fish would come
straight to the surface.

- Cunning. - Which is very, very clever.

There are ways of catching fish

that are sort of unfair.

It's very easy. I've caught mackerel
with nothing that resembles

- a lure of fish.
- A simple shopping trolley.

Just by... They're so stupid,
they really are,

that anything - you could
just lower a piece of paper

with "hook" written on it!

LAUGHTER

Poor mackerel!

"Go on, swim to the shore and
fling yourself onto the beach." "OK!"

So it's time to put away
our telephones and our objects,
if we can.

All right, OK, so much
for telephoning fish,

how about jumping camels?

- What? - Jumping camels?

- Jumping camels? - Yeah.

What, do you mean without any kind
of a chit-chat before, just...?

"Jump the beast."

- Just straight in. - In the Yemen.
- In the desert as well. - In the Yemen.

I don't believe a camel can jump.
I don't think it can lift itself.

It's not the camels jumping.

- Do you jump from one camel
to another? - It's more than that.

- Think Eddie Kidd.
- Oh, jumping over, right. - Yeah.

Stunt bikes.

- Stunt, not bike, though. - Oh.

- Just simply by your own human power,
leaping over camels. - What?!

The record is six.

One human being can run up
and leap over six dromedaries.

- With a trampoline or something?
- No, there's a small amount of dirt

laid up as a kind of jumping-off
point, but no trampoline.

No bicycle pump involved?

LAUGHTER

No bicycle pump.

Yemen has some of the world's
severest water shortages.

It's got a 50th of the average
of the world's water supply.

Despite the fact that
they have so little water,

40% of the water they have

- is spent on cultivating what?
- Golf courses.

No, they don't have that
in Yemen, no.

Something that they're addicted to.

- Coffee? Tea? - Something they chew.

- Oh, khat? - Chewing gum!

Khat! Khat is the right answer.

- Khat, there it is, khat.
- They chew cats?

- You can see it behind you. - Not cats.

Khat. Khat is a herb,
it's a slight stimulant.

It's not like cocaine or speed
or anything like that.

- No. - It's not like an amphetamine,
it's more like an espresso.

- Well... - It gives you a kind of
buzz. - Yeah, it's like an Aero.

Or...
LAUGHTER

It's about a third of the economic
activity of the Yemen...

- No wonder they're doing so well.
- ..goes into khat.

Do they have khat houses in London

where people actually
go around and chew it?

Yemeni blokes just sit around...

for days on end.

All the men get huge pouchy cheeks

because they fill with so much...

Well, I know where
I'm going for my holidays!

LAUGHTER

All right, OK.

So...

while we're there...

what did the environmentalist
say to the camel?

"Stop farting." Is it that
they produce a lot of methane?

Yes, they do. Where in particular?

ROSS: Out of their arse?

- Why did I ask? - Just a guess.

APPLAUSE

- But no, there is a particular place
where camels are... - Known for it.

- ..extremely numerous. - Egypt.
- Yes, but this is a place where...

Australia, is it Australia?

- Australia. - They've got more
wild camels in Australia

than anywhere else on the planet.

Exactly, they have the highest
number of feral camels.

In fact, they have
1.2 million of them.

- They're like rats, they're vermin.
- Yeah.

- They get in your house,
it's a nightmare. - And you can see...

Only that sign could be Australia,
couldn't it? Look at it.

Camel, wombat, kangaroo.

But the fact is,
they export them to Arabia,

- for meat and for racing.
- That's right.

Because they're a finer,
a finer sort of species of camel.

They were brought over originally
as a pack animal to Australia.

They seemed very natural
because Australia is a dry country

and camels survive well,
obviously, in dry climates.

People thought, "perfect". But of
course, they bred and bred and bred

and suddenly you've got
these 1.2 million camels.

And they do an enormous amount
of anal wind expulsion.

They were on at Download, actually.

45...

- It's actually... - They supported
Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark!

- To be fair to them, it's not
so much anal as oral. - Oh, yeah.

It's 45 kilograms of methane a year.

God, you wouldn't want to
stick one of them in a river!

It'd be like a speed boat,
wouldn't it?

"I've shot a camel." Vrrrrroooom!

It's the equivalent of
a metric tonne of CO2,

in its impact on global warming.

It's quite extraordinary. It's a
sixth the amount of the average car.

So, now there's a company
called Northwest Carbon,

which has set up a thing where
you offset your carbon footprint,

if you're an Australian car driver,

by paying this company
to go and shoot camels.

Which is...

basically a bit unfair,

because, let's face it,

Europeans with cars are as unnatural
to Australia as camels are,

and it seems a bit unfair.

- Why shouldn't the camels
shoot the humans? - Yes.

Here's a thing, though.

While we're talking about
all this whole business of ecology,

Sainsbury's, the supermarket chain,
very useful supermarket chain.

The great thing about Sainsbury's,
it keeps the scum out of Waitrose.

APPLAUSE

- All right, here's an initiative
announced by Sainsbury's. - Go on.

By reducing the diameter
of the tube of a loo roll

from 123mm to 112mm,

right, just 11mm reduction,

they will be able to fit
more rolls into the same lorry.

Given the scale
of the loo roll market -

we use 45 to 50 rolls a year each!

And that's including you.

I do that of a weekend.

Yes, all right.

This will mean
500 fewer lorry trips a year,

just by doing that,

by reducing the centre tube by 11mm.

- Wow. - This is the principal difference
between men and women, in my view.

The amount of loo roll
that women use is unbelievable.

I mean, a roll can go in one visit.

- Really? - To be fair, though...

Just wrapping it round.

What's that?

At least women don't pee
all over the floor.

You know that's not true.

APPLAUSE

Ah, a lot of women clapping there.

Obviously, they do use more loo roll

but it's a lot harder for them
to shake than it is for us,

do you know what I mean?

Cheeky flick, everything's fine.

For a woman to do that,
she's got to get on a swing.

Or one of those power plates,
you know, the ones that go...

Right.

Just, go like this.

One of those.

You wouldn't need a power plate.
All you need is a vibrating loo.

Oh, that's it, there you go.

You sit on it, you have a wee,
press a button...

Trouble with that is,
they'd never get off it.

"Where is she?"

APPLAUSE

"Are you coming out of there?"
"I'm nearly there!"

Oh, God. Oh, God.

"I think I've got diarrhoea."

Now here's the question, here's...

The Shake n' Vac.
Drink and leave the water.

I have to tell you, I have to
tell you that the little baby Jesus,

whom I have never believed in,
until this minute,

has told me to change the subject.

- So... - Aw! - All right. We're going to
jump. - I was just getting started.

- We're going to jump to Spain.
- We're on a roll.

We're on a roll! We're on a roll!

- We're on a roll! - Come on! Come on!

APPLAUSE

Why do these babies
have nothing to fear?

There are men jumping over them,
but why have they nothing to fear?

- Yes. - It's a real event
that happens in Spain.

Baby jumping?

Baby jumping, it's the baby jumping
festival, El Colacho.

- El Colacho! - Yes. - Yes, of course.

Near Burgos in Northern Spain,
in the Castrillo de Murcia.

The reason is that these babies have
been purged of their original sin

in this ceremony, so that
if they die, they won't go to hell.

Burgos has the largest cathedral
in Spain.

- It's absolutely enormous.
- It's a very huge cathedral. Yeah.

I love the concept of original sin.

It's like you go to confess
and you go in and the priest goes,

"That's not original enough."

- It's derivative sin.
- "All right, then, I got a transit van

"and then pushed it
into a bouncy castle."

"Yep, I haven't heard that before.
You can have a blessing."

The Catholic Church is slightly
embarrassed about this festival...

I was thinking,
on the vibrating loo,

you'd have different speeds,
wouldn't you?

Like a dial.

Like side to side, forwards
and backwards, round and round.

But basically...

Al, then one like the waltzers
that goes like that.

There are no reports
of injured babies.

Oh, all right.

So you may prefer to indulge
in a Japanese ceremony

called the Hadaka Matsuri.

It's the Naked Festival.

- Raw baby-eating. - Yeah, it takes place
in Okayama. There they are.

A 500-year-old event.

It culminates in 9,000 men
in loincloths, wrestling in mud.

Are they all men?
Some of them look like women.

- They're all men. - There's a woman
in the middle there, surely.

No, she's a man. He's a man.

And in the end, the lucky man

gets thrown a pair of sticks by
a Shinto priest at around midnight

and the winner thrusts the sticks
into a wooden box filled with rice

and is granted a year of happiness.

It seems a perfectly normal way
to behave to me, don't you think?

So run me through it again.

- You get a pair of sticks...
- 9,000 naked men wrestle in mud...

BILL: With great big pouchy mouths!

..and then eventually...

a Shinto priest throws
two sticks to the winner,

who sticks it in some rice
and is granted happiness.

- OK. - Yeah. - I love rice.

Five stars on Trip Adviser,
this, wouldn't it? Yeah.

All right,
jumping out of planes now.

OK, what happens if you wear
your parachute upside down?

MUSIC: "Jump"
by Van Halen

Are you going to say
you get back on the plane?

Yes, Bill? You were in first.

I was going to say that you...
it just comes out the wrong way...

and...you're fine.

LAUGHTER

- It's inside out. - Yes.

You go upwards
and you get back on the plane.

ALARM

I think you'd be all right,
wouldn't you?

The parachute would catch the air
anyway and open?

I have some experience of this.

- Yes, go on, tell us.
- I've done a tandem jump.

I was once tossed through a hatch,
strapped to a Red Devil.

LAUGHTER

My life sort of flashed before me.

- Yes. - And I thought the parachute
wasn't going to come up.

But obviously it did,
or I wouldn't be here.

But I did ask...Keith, his name was.

Keith the Red Devil.

Yes. ..what would happen. It doesn't
bear thinking about, apparently.

- You would die. - You really would die.

Did you ask him this on the way down?
"Keith? Keith?"

"Shut up! Just shut up!"

You can't speak at all.
Before the parachute goes up,

you're falling so quickly
your cheeks are out here.

- Pouch-like. - Pouch-like.

You see, a theme is emerging.

And, um, and I had a camera
attached to my helmet...

which, um...
LAUGHTER

Behave. Everyone is to behave.

Just because Julian said "helmet",

it's not a cue for laughter.

- This is a butch moment.
- It's a night out, isn't it?

Anyway, you couldn't speak
because of the velocity of the wind

filling up every orifice.

Can I have a point?

You certainly can.
You're absolutely right, yes.

APPLAUSE

The problem with the early days
of parachuting was

the standard-shaped parachute
would cause a lot of waving
back and forwards,

so someone said maybe a V-shaped
parachute would be a good idea,

a 61-year-old water colourist
called Cocker.

Cocking, I beg your pardon, Cocking.

- Robert Cocking. - Can we have, like,
an innuendo buzzer?

- Cock, helmet...
- His name was Robert Cocking.

And he tried out, in 1837,
the V-shaped

and he became parachuting's
first fatality.

You've probably got this
on the cards, but you know the...

The SAS, you know how they do the old
abseiling out of the helicopters?

- Yes. - Rappelling, you're thinking of.
- What?

Rappelling.

How dare you.

BILL: Speed rappelling.

Yeah, they experimented
parachuting out of helicopters

and, of course,
the downdraught caved the thing in

and they'd just die.

So that's why
they did the rappelling,

as I like to call it.

LAUGHTER

Very good. It sucks up into the
updraught, which you don't want.

You don't want to get
sucked up into... Oh, what?

Stop it, stop it.

IMITATES INNUENDO ALARM

Cocking...

BILL IMITATES INNUENDO ALARM

A massive down draught... Whoop!

Cocking tried to involve himself
with a balloon and he went up

too fast and it was a big disaster.

Went up too fast.

Yep, "went up too fast", tick.

He died on the spot and the landlord
of the pub where he landed

charged people sixpence
to look at his body

and made ã10,
which is quite a successful...

He was lying there stiff as a board.
Whoop, whoop.

His widow successfully sued him
and he had to pay the ã10 back.

But who was it who proposed
a parachute, back in 1485?

Proposed a parachute?

Yes, suggested the idea
of a parachute.

- Bound to be Da Vinci.
- It was indeed Leonardo Da Vinci.

BILL: Leonardo DiCaprio.

He never tested it practically.

The first actual jump with
a parachute was made in 1783.

Which is quite early, isn't it?

By somebody called
Louis-Sebastien Lenormand,

from a height of only four metres.

So there you are,
that's your parachuting.

Now, this is fun. It's a dubious
theory about jumping foxes.

NEWSREEL: "A dubious theory,
from Stephen Fry."

NEEDLE SCRATCHES

According to researchers
from the Czech Republic,

foxes prefer to pounce on their prey
in a north-easterly direction.

As long as they do so, they are
successful 73% of the time.

If they jump in
some other direction,

they are much less successful -
18% of the time.

So the researchers think

they must be using the Earth's
magnetic field in some way

which we don't yet understand.

and then decide for yourself,
if you dare.

NEWSREEL: "A dubious theory,
from Stephen Fry."

NEEDLE SCRATCHES

- Yes, it is actually true
that foxes do... - Really?

Yep, the vast majority of their
pounces, on mice, in particular,

are in exactly that direction.

In the northern hemisphere,
the magnetic field tilts downwards

at about 65 degrees.

The fox searches for the spot

where the angle of the sound
hitting its ears

matches the slope
of the Earth's magnetic field.

It knows it's then
a fixed distance away

and can accurately
leap on the mouse.

It seems to be that it does have
some very strong bearing

on the Earth's magnetic fields.

While we're on the subject of snow,
we should look at avalanches.

What should you not do if
there's a danger of an avalanche?

Make a loud noise.

ALARM
Ooh, Julian, Julian,

I wish you hadn't said that.

No. Although it's a convenient
plot device in movies,

the idea of a gunshot,
or a shout or a loud noise

causing an avalanche
is a complete fallacy.

- Oh, I'm sure I've seen it in a film.
- As I say, it does happen in films.

But not in real life.

Look at this one here. Look at it,
coming straight at the camera.

This is scary.

Look at that.

Jesus.

I mean, that is... Argh.

ALAN: I'd love it if it came over
Julian and Ross.

It's going to hit the camera
at any minute.

Bang. All right, so...

we're now going to have
something incredibly exciting -

at least, I hope it's exciting.
It's a jolly jape.

- I do love my jolly japes.
- I love a jolly jape.

I've got here a little...

What I'm going to try and do
is try and create something

that will make you think, "No!

"No, Stephen, this is not possible!

"Stephen, I will now bow down
and worship you forever."

I'm going to try and create...

a square bubble.

- No! - "Shut up, Stephen!"

- I'm on the verge of worshipping
you forever. - Yeah, exactly.

How would you not be?
A square bubble.

- Shut the front door.
- So I've got this here,

can you see that bubble there?

- Oh! - Wow!

It's not yet square,

but if I blow...

Look at that!

No way!

- Square bubble. - Oh!

Square bubble!

APPLAUSE

How amazing is that?

Very cool.

On television, virtually live,
"as live", as we say,

it's probably the only interesting
and important thing

I've ever done in my life.

But I'm proud, and thank you
for enjoying my square bubble.

Well, that's the jolly jape.

And on that bubble-shell,
I jump over to the scoreboard.

I suppose I have to begin
at the bottom.

- Julian... - No!

Unfortunately, you scored
minus seven points.

APPLAUSE

- Alan, you are at third place,
with minus four. - Thank you.

APPLAUSE

In second place, with five points,

Ross Noble.

APPLAUSE

And just one point ahead,

on plus six, is Bill Bailey.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Well, that's all from Julian,
Ross, Bill, Alan and me.

Be adorable to each other always.
Good night.

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd