QI (2003–…): Season 10, Episode 12 - Justice - full transcript

This programme contains
very strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening,

good evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening,

and welcome to QI for an episode
which is all about Justice.

Members of the jury,
the just Brian Cox.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The judicious Rhys Darby.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The judgmental Jason Manford.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE



And a jailbird, Alan Davies.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, in case I nod off
during these proceedings,

you all know how to catch
my attention, it's with a buzzer.

And Jason goes...

HAMMER POUNDING

Brian goes...

'All rise.'

Rhys goes...

'Order! Order!'

And Alan goes...

GUILLOTINE

LAUGHTER

Excellent. So let's start laying
down the law.



Describe the rules...

Oh, he's free! Escapology.

I'll tell you what,
being a copper back then,

- when everyone dressed like that,
was well easy...
- It was, wasn't it, really.

I think it might be him,
I might be that guy.

- I'm going to take this off, cos
the bridge of my nose is rubbing.
- Oh, you don't want that.

Oh, my God, it's Alan Davies!

Hello, everyone.

Noel Coward was at a rehearsal
when one of the actors was picking
his nose, he thought, secretly,

and Noel shouted,
"Wave when you get to the bridge!"

LAUGHTER

Anyway, describe the rules
on a pirate ship.

Rules?

Yeah. But what sort of rules
would they have?

- Obviously, they've got a captain.
- Yes. - So he's in charge.

So I imagine he gets most of
the gold and whatever they find.

Well, oddly enough, no. They had two
senior officers - the captain
and the quartermaster.

And the captain could be vetoed
by the quartermaster

- on all matters except battle, except
rules of engagement, when fighting.
- Oh, OK.

And they had strong laws.

And the quartermaster was, he was
about how much they divvied out,

including he decided
how much the captain got.

The captain had no special quarters,

he didn't have a, you know,
wonderful room,

such as you imagine in movies.

So it's not exactly hierarchical,
it's kind of a rule of two,
the quartermaster and the captain.

Otherwise, it was more or less a
democracy, in a strange sort of way.

But with strict rules.

For example, in Captain Bartholomew
Roberts' ship, the Fortune,

there was no gambling,
it was like a boarding school -

no smuggling girls into the dorm,
no playing music on a Sunday.

And lights out at eight o'clock
sharp in the evening.

- It's rubbish being a pirate. - I know.

- It's not quite what you imagine
is it. - Sack the captain,
that's rubbish.

- But also... - Where are you going
to smuggle these girls from anyway?

- That's true. - Mermaids.

- If you rescue one from the sea...
No, no, no, no. - There is a wonderful
book that Vic Reeves mentioned.

- He's an expert on pirates.
- He's love a pirate.

He loves pirates, and it's a book
that both he and I had read,

called
Sodomy And The Piratical Tradition.

- And it's a very well-known work.
- I'm so sorry, Brian.
No, it is!

LAUGHTER
You thought we were quite
highbrow and intellectual.

It is a very serious work of history
and very interesting,

which goes into the way these
things were run.

But, obviously with
the emphasis on the sodomy.

But there was also...

Were there rules surrounding
that particular pursuit?

There were rules,
indeed there where, absolutely.

Very strict rules. You couldn't just
take whomever you please, no.

- What were the rules of sodomy?
- Not on Sundays.
LAUGHTER

I, I... It's eye-wateringly
complex.

LAUGHTER
You're too young
and too innocent to know.

- Honestly, really.
- For future reference!

Stick to small things
like supernovas,

this is really too explosive.

"Eye-wateringly complex."

When it came to women aboard, the
articles of Captain George Lowther,

who was a famous pirate
of his day said,

"If at any time you meet
with a prudent woman,

"that man that offers
to meddle with her,

"without her consent,
shall suffer present death."

So meddling with a prudent woman
without her consent got you death.

So they really were very
strict with each other.

- So meddling was rape, really?
- Essentially, we're talking
about rape.

- That lost its meaning by the time
Scooby Doo came on. - Exactly.

LAUGHTER

Why if you pesky kids
hadn't meddled!

Notorious gang rapists.

LAUGHTER

That's just terrible.
I'm ashamed of you.

Do they have pirates in New Zealand?

We've been attacked by pirates
on occasion.

And you didn't have anyone
transported to New Zealand,
like Australia?

- No, it was a destination of choice
for those seeking adventure... - Yeah.

..and death.

LAUGHTER
- Nothing's changed. - Nothing
much has changed, no, exactly.

Why is the pirate's voice
similar to the farmer's voice?

Why, is there something,
"Aarr, get off my land!"

The same sort of...

There's one man responsible,
do you know who it is?

- It'll be a film actor. - Yes.

Oh, OK.

- In Treasure Island?
- He played in a great performance
of Treasure Island,

and, in fact, Tony Hancock,
the great comedian,

he first started out
as an impersonator of this actor.

- Laughton? - No, not quite as
well-known as Laughton.

In his own day,
he was very, very well-known,

but now, less well-known.

Anybody?

AUDIENCE: It was someone mentioned
on QI before.

Someone, we've mentioned it
on QI before.

Ah, hang on a minute,
we're getting heckled.

The chances of Alan remembering it
are remote.

Someone at the front is saying,
"You've done this!"

LAUGHTER

- Who are these...?!
- This was on Dave on Tuesday!

LAUGHTER

New facts! New facts!

- Well, it was Robert Newton anyway,
the actor. - Robert Newton.

GUILLOTINE

- Thank you, yes. - Robert Newton.

Robert Newton is the right answer,
but it doesn't count cos we've
had it before.

David Prowse almost did that,
didn't he, to Darth Vader.

- He had a West Country accent,
didn't he? - Yes, he did.

- And he thought that it would be
used, didn't he? - Yes.

With his West Country accent, it got
re-dubbed by James Earl Jones.

IN A WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: "I am your
father."

LAUGHTER

IN A WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: "Aarh,
I'm your father and I'm your brother
as well."

LAUGHTER

Sorry, for when I taught there.
Joking!

- See?
- Darth Vader on a big tractor.

Trundling down the corridors of the
Death Star chewing a bit of straw.

- IN A WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: - "Darth."

- "Darth." - "Darth."

- "Mr Darth to you."
- "Mr Darth, Mr Darth."

LAUGHTER

It's, yeah, anyway. Um...

LAUGHTER

You know the skull
and crossbone flag?

- Yes. - Did they really have that?
Cos that's giving it away.

- We definitely covered that in the
last series. - Really? I must have
missed it.

- Yeah, Alan will tell you
all about it. - Go on.

GUILLOTINE

Jolly Roger.

Well, everyone knows
it's called the Jolly Roger.
LAUGHTER

Or is that a proposition?

LAUGHTER

- Maybe later, Alan. - It's been,
it's been ten years, Stephen,

and I've finally come round to it.

LAUGHTER

- Hurrah! At last.
- It's time for a Jolly Roger.

An eye-watering Jolly Roger.

All right, now, what's
the difference between a Californian
prison and a medieval dungeon?

You can see we've very cunningly
placed the Tower of London,

which is a medieval dungeon,
next to Alcatraz, which is, of
course, a famous Californian prison.

Is it anything to do with the fact
that you can't get out?

- Alcatraz is famous, isn't it,
of being, like... - Of prison!

LAUGHTER
- No, not out of prison.
- How do you get out of prison?

If you're popped in the dungeon,
you're given manacles like you had
earlier,

and you're given board and lodging,
essentially,

and we go on today
about prisoners...

"It's like a hotel, look at how much
it costs the government."

- They've made them work. - Not just
made them work, they made them PAY.

They had to pay for their manacles,
they had to pay for their
foot gyves,

everything, they had to pay
for their accommodation.

- So they had jobs?
- No, that was the awful thing.

A lot of them, pretty obviously,
were not very rich,

so what happened was they usually
then ended up in debtors' prison

cos they couldn't afford
to pay the fee.

Is that a picture of the returns
desk? Those are a nightmare.

- Really hurt.
- When they closed the Fleet Prison
in the '40s,

they discovered some people had been
there 40 years for what was

a small debt they couldn't pay.
Anyway, the point is,

medieval dungeons, you had to pay
your fee, and in California,

at least in Riverside County,
they have reintroduced such a
system.

- Its county jail now charges inmates
140 a day to be in jail. - Wow!

- That's more than, like, a Premier
Inn. - It's more than a Premier Inn.

That's more than Lenny Henry pays
to stay in hotels.

So that is quite a lot of money.
Yes.

Then again, there's no table tennis
at Premier Inn.

- You got to weigh it up,
haven't you? - It's true.

Pamela Walls of the council,
noted it may prove hard to collect

reimbursements because "those
defendants who are convicted

"of crimes and incarcerated
typically have limited funds."

What a system!

The supervisor, Jeff Stone,
he thinks these are very
challenging economic times

and it could be a great source
of revenue, could return three
to five million dollars a year.

But, unlike in Britain where you
still had to pay even if you were
innocent,

at least in California
if you turn out not to have been
guilty, you get your money back.

- Oh, do you? - Yeah.

But, like, where are these people
getting their money from?

From crime, isn't it?
So all it's doing is encouraging them
to rob more stuff.

"I'm going into prison, right,
I'd better rob a load of stuff,
it could cost me a fortune."

"They're just about to catch me,
I'd better rush into this shop
and take the till."

They can work once they are in
prison, though, can't they?

- From in prison. - Indeed, in most
prisons prisoners work.

- When I was in prison I worked.
- Set up a little lemonade stand
or something

in the basketball court.

I had to paint soldiers when I was
in prison. I was in prison when
I was 18.

- Toy ones? - They were little toy ones,
it was quite, sort of,
relaxing work.

Then I was put on the polishing
the corridor duty which was
not so pleasant.

- When we were you in prison?
I didn't know. - Did you not know?

- Oh, I have a chequered past. - Is
this a can of worms.
- It was four years ago now.

LAUGHTER

We've moved on, Brian.
We've moved on.

Many people think I should still be.

You go through an institution for
several years and you come out
in debt?

- Rather like being a student.
- Yes, exactly. Very well put.

Except you learn probably a lot more
in prison than you would...

LAUGHTER

- You learn a trade.
- You come out with a trade.

Useful trade. Bouncing.
You learn how to be a bouncer.

Don't take this question
personally, Alan,

- I didn't write this question.
All right? - OK. - OK.

Now, what sort of person would say
that Alan has a very small penis?

LAUGHTER

I'm sorry.

My wife.

No! No.

And this is a legal question?

- It is very much a legal question,
yes. - Oh, OK.

I'll tell you the world we're in,
we're in the world of defamation,
right?

Let's say I was to write a novel

about someone who presented
a quiz show called KI,

who was called Simon Dry.

And he had a regular sidekick

with curly hair who was called
Andrew Devons,

and had a very small penis.

The idea is that he'll never sue

cos he'll never say
this is obviously based on me.

Cos no-one will say,
"It's obviously based on me,

"because my name's like that and
I've got a small... Oh, hang on."

LAUGHTER

- Oh, I see. - So that's the idea,
is that when you want to slander
somebody,

you put in certain things
that they would never admit to.

They'd be too embarrassed
to say that it's like them.

There was a writer who was
snubbed by Martin Amis,

the great novelist,
that's Martin Amis, there.

Peter James was snubbed by him
and he got his own back by creating
a character

called Amis Smallbone, whose manhood
is compared to a stubby pencil.

- And presumably Martin Amis has not
sued. - Was it Martin Amis...?

Who was it wrote about Norman Mailer
and put a little, sort of,

to the appendix, to the index,
because he knew that Norman would
always look,

- Norman Mailer, and it just said,
"Hi, Norm." - That's right.

It's a bit like the Jewish joke,
isn't it, about will being read out.

"To my brother-in-law, Louis,
who always wanted

"to be mentioned in my will -
hello, Louis!"

LAUGHTER

Why do we get away with that,
as stand-up comedians,

when someone heckles you
and you have a go back

and you say something in front
of a room, you know...

Well, it's a kind of understood
contract

between an audience and a comedian,

that someone heckles and you go,

"If I want any shit from you,
I'll squeeze your head,"

- or whatever, you know.
Some story... - What was that?

LAUGHTER

So...

LAUGHTER

What else would you say?
What other things?

- Just one example. - I'm not going to
give away my best heckler remarks.

But what I mean is,
if you made a joke heckle,

- that's not defamatory. - OK.
- I mean, that's the point.

So, tit for tat doesn't stand up
in court, does it?

- No, I don't think so, exactly.
- He started it.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly.
LAUGHTER

But there are various defences.

And in the case, which is an
obviously untrue one, of Alan's
small penis, for example,

one defence is the truth...
LAUGHTER

..that the person does
have a small penis,

the other is parliamentary
privilege.

So a Member of Parliament can get up
and say, "Alan Davies, Mr Speaker,
has a small penis."

And another Member of Parliament
will get up and say,

"He's a grower, not a shower!"

LAUGHTER

- Yeah, lovely. Yeah.
- Point of order!

The point is,
you couldn't sue either of them,

because under parliamentary
privilege, there is no action
that can be taken.

There's increased privilege in
peer reviewed scientific journals
as well.

Oh, that's privileged?

Yes, it is, to some extent.

So that if you are quite
rude about a fellow scientist...

Yeah. As long as it's in
a peer reviewed journal,

and it's not malicious,
then you are allowed to do it.

In the interests of freedom
of debate.

I could publish a paper reviewed
by my peers about your penis

and I would be relatively immune
unless I was being malicious
about it.

Right. Now that's the phrase,
of course, they use in American
defamatory law,

is "absence of malice".

If you can prove absence of malice,
then, you can say almost anything
which allows...

IN WOMAN'S VOICE: "I like
your small penis."

LAUGHTER

And that's...

It's very, very tiny,
but it's wonderful.

Surely at some point sarcasm
must come in.

Well, there's that.
If you can prove that, exactly.

So the other one is good faith.

I...I genuinely thought
he had a small penis,

I didn't mean it as defamatory,
it was said in good faith.

That's one thing. The other is
opinion, which is -

it was just my opinion. Compared
to mine, it's small, OK. Right.

LAUGHTER

- It's a review.
- It's a review, exactly.

One star.

The other is public,
the public interest.

The public has a right to know
the size of Alan Davies's penis!

LAUGHTER

That might be a defence.
The other is consent.

He agreed with me
about the size of his penis.

LAUGHTER

The other one is vulgar abuse.

Surely, you didn't believe me
when I said you had a small penis.

I was just being rude to you.
It was not, I was not defaming you.

It would be like if I called you,
you know, one of the unacceptable
taboo swearwords,

if I called you a motherfucker,
you know, is not defaming you,

whereas if I actually wrote down

that I believed you actually
incestuously did have sex with your
mother, that would be defamatory.

Do you see?
So that's the difference.

Not with a penis that size!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

That's just going
all over the place.

Can we see the evidence?

LAUGHTER

I just...it's all about evidence.

- Not from there, it's minute.
- Oh, no!

- Just let me, let me... - No, no,
now, Brian. - Let's settle this.

No, but the first person
at home going,

"I should never have gone HD."

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Oh!

LAUGHTER

"Rise..."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Very good.

Thank you. Thank you. There is...

LAUGHTER

Is this on BBC Three these days?

LAUGHTER

I'm so sorry, Brian, I know.

Anyway, that's the point.

Saying a character isn't very
well-hung could save you
from a libel action.

Which reality TV format was
invented by Charlemagne's father?

There's a picture of Charlemagne.

- Big Brother? - It's not as well-known
as Big Brother,

I will give you a clue.

Celebrity Big Brother?

LAUGHTER

On Channel 5.

I'm a king, get me out of here?

That would cover it. I can tell you
it was presented by Dale Winton.

Supermarket Sweep?

No, I...

LAUGHTER

Total Wipe Out?
What else has he done?

Ah, you're pretty good,
you're good on...

- See, I know the workings of...
- Big fan. - Yeah.

- You're good on Dale. - Yeah.
- Who was this?

You probably don't know
who Dale Winton is, do you?

Uh... Chap or lady?

LAUGHTER

Audience, behave!

LAUGHTER

- He's a very charming gentleman,
Mr Winton. - OK.

Well turned out, crisply well turned
out gentleman, very nice man.

Who was his father...?

Charlemagne's father
is a good question.

Unlikely to have heard of him, I'll
be very impressed if you've heard
of him.

He was called Pepin the Short,
unfortunately,

but if you go back to, this is even
pre-medieval, this is the dark ages,

if you go back to that time,
justice was meted out in all
kinds of odd ways.

And one of the odd ways it was a
system of testing,

which was called an ordeal.

- An ordeal. - Ordeal. - Ordeal.

- There were various kinds of ordeal.
- So it's ordeal or no ordeal?

LAUGHTER

Hey, hey!

If only... If only it were
Noel Edmonds we were talking about,

- then that would be...
- He really is an ordeal.

- Is he a lady or a man?
- Is Noel Edmonds a...?

LAUGHTER

Well, ordeals. This particular
ordeal involved...

two people had a quarrel

and they both had to make the shape
of a cross, you see, and stay there.

- I don't know what that's about.
- What's happening there?!

LAUGHTER

Someone said he's got a small penis
and they're just checking.

Yeah. Are you a real doctor?

LAUGHTER

It was called Judicium Crucis,
"the justice of the cross" in Latin.

And, basically, it's a bit
like those school punishments

where they make you do that,
if you ever did that.

And the one who just
dropped his hands first was wrong.

And it happened to the Archbishop
of Paris with the Abbot of St Denis,

only they would use champions
to do it for them,

so they would say, "You on my behalf

"stand for as long as you can
in a cross,"

and, in this case,
the Archbishop of Paris won.

It's a pity you have
to nominate somebody,

cos if you didn't, you could just
pick on old people in those days,
you know...

LAUGHTER

I won. It would be brilliant.

You could have ordeal by tickling,
they genuinely had all kinds
of ordeals,

ordeals by water, ordeals by fire
and so on.

But there is a car game...

Is it that one where you have got to
keep your hand on the car?

- Ah! - Yeah, and then the last one
wins it.

- You see, you do know it.
- Yes, I do.

Dale Winton presented,
I think on Channel 5...

That rings a bell, yeah.

..an endurance game show based on a
Japanese original

called Touch The Truck.

That's Dale there, on top of it.

I'd love to watch that.
Just loads of people touching a car
and then, that's it.

- Yeah. - For an hour.

For an hour? 81 hours.
It's because...

Well, I'd Sky Plus it
and fast forward through it.

Yeah, I was going to say.
It's basically the last one
to give up on touching the truck.

- It doesn't do anything, you just
stand... - No, you have to touch it.

Yeah, it's going 80 mile an hour.

LAUGHTER

- Now, that would be a game.
- Now, that's a game show.

You were allowed...

LAUGHTER

You were allowed a ten-minute
break every two hours

and 15 minutes every six hours.

But this is made-up,
no-one would put their hands on...

If you fell asleep,
you were disqualified,

so you had to stay awake.

You couldn't just lie on the car
with your hand on it,

so you had to be consciously
touching it.

And if, the idea was, the last
person left touching it won it.

And the winner, you'll probably want
to know all about him, I expect,

he won the truck, obviously,
and he sold it,

in order to raise funds
to stand as a political...

- For arm surgery. - No.

..to stand as a political candidate.

He stood for Kingston and Surbiton
at the 2001 general election.

There was a turn-out of 49,093
people and he secured 54 votes.

Wow.

LAUGHTER

We do it in New Zealand,

that's a radio show contest
that quite often happens.

- Yeah, we're probably
the last country still doing it.
- I have to say...

That's the only way you can
get your cars, back in New Zealand.

LAUGHTER

Doing it on radio sounds
even weirder to me, I have to say.

They're still touching it.
They're still touching it...

Do you have to drum on it?

No, they interview the people
who are touching the car.

So, "I've got John here,
how's it going?

"Ah, good, I'm still touching it."
You know.

"How many hours now? Seven."

LAUGHTER

Anyway, that's it,

that's basically a game show
inspired by a dark ages...

- Endurance sort of thing. - ..endurance
test, yeah. Extraordinary, isn't it?

What sentence would you
recommend in Jedward Justice?

- Life. - Life!

I feel very sorry for Rhys,
we're giving you all kinds of
cultural references

that can mean nothing to you.
Have you heard of Jedward?

Are they judges?

LAUGHTER

- They look very young.
- They are, I believe, Irish.

- Are they twins or just brothers?
- They're conjoined twin judges.

- Are they, they're not conjoined,
are they? - Well, they've done well,
haven't they?

LAUGHTER

- Sorry. I didn't know! - Yes.

That's the whole thing about them,
that they're conjoined.

- Oh, they are Siamese twins,
are they? - They're conjoined twins,
yeah.

LAUGHTER

- Is he having me on? He's having me
on. - No, it looks like they are.

- Come on!
- Who has the arm in the middle?

LAUGHTER

They do look a little strange,
I have to say,

but that's probably
because of the wig business.

No, no, nothing to do with the wig.

LAUGHTER

- Right, OK.
- The wig's got nothing to do with it.

There really is such a thing as
Jedward Justice. This pre-dates
these twinsters.

- Maybe that's where they got their
name from. - Oh, I don't think so.

This is a town which was originally
called Jedward,

and then it changed
its name to Jedburgh.

It still exists.
Jedburgh, you may have heard of it?

- In the northeast.
- It is, it's on the Borders, in fact.

It's a Border town,
and that's the clue, really.

But the Borders, as you know,

suffered, throughout history,
incursions and raids from England...

From the rain.

..raiding through Scotland, stealing
and vice versa.

And they were often summarily
hanged without a trial.

And it was known as Jedward Justice.

And our name for that, where someone
is especially killed without a trial

is... What word do we use for that?

- Oh, a lynch mob.
- Lynch, lynch, lynch.

Now, where does the word lynch,
why is it called lynch?

I have absolutely no idea.

Well, there's a claim to the origin
of the term lynch,

which is a man called
James Lynch Fitzstephen,

who was the mayor of Galway,
in Ireland.

And he hanged his own son
from the balcony of his house

after convicting him of the murder
of a Spanish visitor in 1493.

- So that's pretty bold, isn't it?
- Wow.

A bike...

It's extreme. "He learnt his lesson.
He never did it again."

LAUGHTER

No.

Did you say hanged his own son
for stealing a bike?

- No. - No! - Did you, what did you think
I said? - Did you nod off?

I misheard you, because I'm
so hungry, I don't know
what I'm saying.

- No, for killing a...
- I can't concentrate when I'm hungry.
..killing a Spaniard.

- For killing a Spanish visitor, yeah,
a Spaniard. - Has anyone got any food?

- He killed... - Do you not listen
to...? - No, he doesn't.

- I'm starving hungry. - Are you?

And now I can't concentrate because
I'm having a blood sugar crash.

I hope you never get called
up for jury service

and you're hungry in the afternoon.

What was it,
killed a Spaniard or stole a bike?

LAUGHTER

It's quite an important difference.

- I'm starving. - Yeah...
- Can I have an apple?

- Where did that come from?
- I don't know. - Stole a bike?
- He was, your mind was wandering.

I was just drifting off,
I was thinking about pasta.

LAUGHTER

When his brain sugar drops,

I'm afraid all kinds of weird
things start to happen.

Has no-one got something
to eat here? Can we not...

- Are you bringing something down?
- Here you are.

- Thank you very much.
- What have we got?

APPLAUSE

- Some homemade flapjacks.
- Oh, flapjacks!

- Flapjacks. - Yes! Thank you.

- Can I have a kiss? - Yeah, go on.
- Oh, she has to have a kiss.

Very good.

APPLAUSE

Have you got something
to eat for Stephen as well?

- No, no, honestly, I'm fine.
- When was the bicycle invented?

- It wasn't invented in 1493, was it?
So it's doubly... - No, it wasn't.

Doubly ridiculous.

LAUGHTER

I love the fact that you were
questioning Alan's,

as if Alan's mind
works on logical rails.

He wouldn't be found guilty of that.

"Stole me bike.
You what? I don't know."

- Don't even know what one is.
- Don't know what it is.

It should be just enough sugar
to get your mind

to tell the difference between
somebody murdering a Spaniard
and stealing bikes.

LAUGHTER

Before the invention of the bike.

Yeah, exactly. All right.

- Let's just do the question again,
come on. - No, no.

LAUGHTER
You don't get away
with it that easily.

Anyway, moving on,
why should you never leave
a judge in a room on his own?

He might sentence himself.

LAUGHTER

- As it were. - As it were.
- As 't were, yeah.

- You're not allowed to.
Well, if you're a barrister,
you're not allowed to. - That's right.

I used to work at the Crown Courts
in Manchester, as a...

As the accused.
LAUGHTER

- No, my dad and auntie were
stenographers. - Oh, right!

- So I used to, over the summer...
- Oh, they used those machines. Oh, my
goodness! That sort of palaver.

And if you were the last barrister
knocking about,

you weren't allowed to leave
if the judge was still in.

Exactly right.
It's called dressing the judge.

You don't actually dress him,
it's just known as dressing
the judge.

Smug looking lot there, aren't they?

The one at the back's had
a lovely moment.

LAUGHTER

He really is...
It's a bit of a bliss-out, isn't it?

He's really very happy. But in fact,
in actual terms of dressing a judge,

it's a very expensive business.

The High Court judges' attire
can amount to £14,920.

That's quite expensive
for your work year.

It includes the cost of two scarlet
robes like this, and a silk one.

The horse hair wig costs £1,295.

They have court britches with
buckles at £665.

Stockings, suspenders.

- Well, they do have to wear
stockings. - Bras.

When you take silk, you have to wear

two pairs of stockings as
a barrister, and the reason for that

is that Queen Victoria was very
offended by the sight of

- men's hairs sticking out from their
legs through the silk tights.
- JASON: That is horrible.

So they have to wear two pairs of
tights so their hairs didn't
stick out.

And this tradition continues
to today. Isn't that interesting?

Yes, it is, Stephen.
Thank you. Good.
LAUGHTER

But the wig sort of doubles up now.

I don't know if it's always been
the case, but in a sort of Superman
type disguise,

if you ever see a judge out of his
wig and robe, he looks completely
different.

So he can sort of have a little
wonder around Manchester city centre

even though everyone hates him,
and no-one knows that it is him.

That is one of the reasons
they cling on to this
whole business,

they say it gives them
a kind of anonymity.

- Barristers are not allowed to shake
hands with each other either. - I
didn't know that. That's a good one.

They're not allowed to shake
hands with each other.

RHYS: They fist pump, do they?

LAUGHTER

Out-of-court, they don't shake hands
with each other.

- How interesting! - I think it must be
down to just, well, if he's looking
after me,

I don't want to see him fraternising
with the enemy, sort of thing.

Do you know about this one?
If you're not properly dressed
as a barrister,

if you've not got the right
black-and-white,

or you're wearing a colourful tie or
something like that, the judge,
as it were, can't see you.

- Oh, right. - He actually says,
"I cannot see you."

Also, "I cannot hear you."

If he's not properly dressed.
"I cannot hear you".

You can shout as loud as you like,
if he's not properly dressed,

"I can't see you."
LAUGHTER

"Can't hear you."

All of that.

So until they wear the right clothes
they cannot be seen or heard
by the judge.

Weird situation if you didn't know
what item of clothing you had on

- that was offending him. - Yes.
- And you'd be going, "Is it the
bow tie, is it...?"

And then the second you took it off,
he went "Hello!"

LAUGHTER

- There you are! - They're you are!

Anyway, now, what happened
when the biggest miser in the land
forgot his reading glasses?

He made an error in which
he gave away his fortune,

or something happened...?

No. Because he had
forgotten his glasses,

he wasn't able to sign a document,
because he couldn't see.

So he said, "I'll take the document
and I'll sign it at home."

What might that document have been?

- His will maybe? - His will, yes.

So, there he is, he's got his will,
he said,

"Oh, I'll take it home
and sign it at home."

- He got home... - Died. - Yes.

CHUCKLING

Now, that case...

HE LAUGHS

His name... His name was Jennens
and he was very, very rich,

and he had quite a lot of family.

So there was a case called
Jennens v Jennens,

or as a lawyer would say,
Jennens and Jennens.

And it started in 1798,
when he died,

and it ended in 1915.

Wow.

- Wow. - Why did it end?

The jury all died.

- No. - The Jennens died?

- No. - Oh, they found his glasses.

Because...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It died for the same reason that
the fictional version of this case,

that Charles Dickens made famous
in his novel Bleak House,

Jarndyce versus Jarndyce,

which he based exactly on
this story, for the same reason.

The estate ran out of money.

The lawyers had used up
every penny of the estate.

Wow.

That... Doesn't that tell you
everything you need to know,

and Bleak House, of course,

which is one of Dickens'
absolute masterpieces,

has this court case running through
it, Jarndyce versus Jarndyce.

And it's been going for dozens
of years in Chancery.

But he wrote that in 1852.

And this Jennens case
had been going on for 54 years.

And Dickens was little to know

that it was to carry on going
till the First World War!

I mean staggering, isn't it?

And all because the man
forgot to sign his will,

these people were so desperate,
so rapacious.

They didn't forget that he'd died.

LAUGHTER

- Here there are. - There they are.

Must be very good glasses if they're
going to help you read that book.

Have you done your wills?
Have you had that chat?

It's actually depressing.

We had a lady come round to the house
and sat down with her.

And because she's so used to talking
about death,

she's sort of, like,
not bothered about it.

- Nonchalant. - Yeah, I'd say so. And
she sat there and she said,

"Right, so if you die, where do you
want your money and house and all
that to go to?"

I said, "Well, the wife and kids
and that." She said, "And if you
and your wife both die?"

I said, "Er..."

RHYS: Steady on!

"Well, just, the kids, and then maybe
kids go with my brother and that."

- And then she said, "And if you
and the kids." - The whole family
are wiped out.

I said, "I'd like to spend some
money on some sort of inquest,
to be honest."

LAUGHTER

See what the hell went on, wiped
a family of five off the planet.

Mine was a bit more circumspect.
They kept finding different words
for die.

"And if you both...go."

LAUGHTER
- Perish. - Depart.

If you're both gathered
to the bosom of Abraham.

LAUGHTER
well, I suppose as their job,
isn't it?

I think I've made a will,
I can't remember.

- You can have my collection of
Wagner records. - Oh, thanks.
That's very kind.

Make him sign it now.
LAUGHTER

You'll be very keen for me
not to sign it, I suspect.

No, he was considered the richest
commoner in the land,

i.e. the richest non-aristocrat,
and he lived in Grosvenor Square

in a very sumptuous and beautiful
house, except he lived

in two tiny little rooms in the
cellar, and kept the sumptuous rooms

because he charged visitors
to be shown round them.

That's how much of a miser he was.

If only three ghosts would have
visited him.

That would have sorted it out. "Give
me the biggest turkey in the window!"

Exactly right, exactly.
Tiny Tim last of all.

Anyway, where would you find
a precocious toddler,

a fertile octogenarian
and a moron in a hurry?

Is that on...?

GUILLOTINE

- Buckingham Palace.
- Oh!

Yeah, like the Celebrity
Big Brother.

Is that, are they calling Lee Evans
a moron there? That seems
very tough.

No, he's the precocious toddler
in that.

Oh, I see, fair enough,
fair enough. Phew.

Again, this is in law.
A moron in a hurry?

- Well, we've all been that.
- Yes, we have. These are sort
of fictional types of people.

- That they use in law language.
- That they use in law.

The most famous one
is the man on the Clapham...?

Omnibus.

- Omnibus...
- That's to do with advertising.

- ..i.e. what we would call the man...
No, it's just the man in the street.
- Oh, I see.

English common law is based on
the idea of the reasonable man.

What would a reasonable person
think? You know.

The man on the Clapham omnibus
is not stupid,

but he's not a professor
of astrophysics.

He's not a moron in a hurry,

he's just an ordinary
sensible citizen,

and that is used
as a standard by judges.

And a moron in a hurry
is used as a standard

for another kind of problem in law
that might come up.

It's in the area of passing off. Do
you know what I mean by passing off?

- Like logos or something?
- Yeah. So, expand.

Almost like false advertising,
or maybe plagiarism.

- That's more like it.
As it were, product plagiarism. - Yes.

Suppose I brought out something
called Boca Bola,

and it was in a can exactly like,

with the same lettering and the same
patterning, that would be
against the law.

So would the moron in a hurry...

A moron in a hurry probably,
would he notice that?

If it was green not red, he would
notice. Even a moron in a hurry
would notice,

that would not count as passing off.

But if it was very similar and he
thought, "Oh, I'm buying
a can of Coke."

That's passing off, you know,
because you don't have to look
very hard,

you can just quickly see
it seems to be the same thing.

So that's just used as
a sort of type.

You've got to be careful there,

because you've also got people
who are not very observant.

- Well, there is that, of course.
- You know, I mean that's, that's me.

Are you not an observant person?

Sometimes, well, yes,

when I was in the army there was
an observation trail we had to do,

and you had to walk through the bush
and they put all these things,

and you had to go through
and have a look,

and then, when you came out
the other end of the bush,

the sergeant would ask you,
"What sort of things did you see?"

And I told him I saw three things,

including the cone
which marked the exit. So...

LAUGHTER

..it was really
just two things I saw,

and there were 17 things
in the bush.

And one of those was a tank. So...

LAUGHTER

But, you know, my excuse
was a lot of it was camouflaged.

Yeah. That's good.

- But I'm not a moron in a hurry.
- No. - Because I took a long time.

You were a simple moron.

- Three times the length of time.
- A casual moron. Yeah. - Yeah.

So you'd be a fertile
octogenarian then, in that.

Yes. And the fertile octogenarian
is a fictitious character

that presumes that anyone, even an
octogenarian, can parent a child.

- So they're these kind of archetypes
and... - What's the kid, why is
she in a mood? Precocious toddler.

- It's like a fertile octogenarian
at the other end of the scale.
- Oh, OK.

To be fair, she's not a toddler,
she's a bit older than that.

She is, she looks jolly cross,
doesn't she? Jolly cross.

Anyway, not in the realm of fiction,
and certainly not legal,

can you explain this?

Two people claim to have had sex
on the moon.

Who are they, how did they do it?

Well, they are clearly
under the moon.
LAUGHTER

Yes, they are rather, aren't they?

It's not Armstrong and Aldrin.

JASON: Well, we hope not.
It's not the astronauts.

BRIAN: It's no-one that's actually
been there.

Not on the moon itself, but are
there any bits of the moon on earth?

- Moon rock. Yeah, moon rock. - Yes.

In the spring of 2002, an intern
at NASA at the Johnson Space Center
in Houston,

three interns, stole the whole safe
full of rock samples there.

The ringleader, Thad Roberts,
and his accomplice with the
wonderful name of Tiffany Fowler,

apparently spread the rocks
on a bed

and did it on the rocks.

- That doesn't sound... It's horrible.
- They got their rocks off
on the rock.

It does sound uncomfortable,
but it's certainly unique.

I don't suppose any other couple
on earth can claim

to have shagged on the moon,
or at least on bits of the moon.

- I think I own a bit of the moon.
- You own a bit of the moon?

Yeah, someone got it me once
for my birthday.

Oh, it's like having a star
named after you.

- I don't know how legitimate it is.
I'm just waiting for Branson
to sort it out. - Yes.

- Then I'll go up there and have a
little look. - You'll probably know
more about this than I do,

but Virgin Atlantic is not the only
company that's seeking

to offer at least a journey
out of the atmosphere,

but it'll be quite a short time
out of the atmosphere, won't it?

Yeah, you're up there for a few
minutes.

It'll cost a lot, but would you
consider doing it?

- I would, undoubtedly, yeah.
- It's more of a thrill ride, isn't
it?

About two and a half minutes
and then you come down.

- Like the vomit comet, which is where
you plunge down. - I did that.

Oh, yes, you did, on your show,
so you did. Yes, absolutely.

And that's remarkable.

I have to say, I watched it
and I admired you, you did very
well.

- But I was really admiring
the cameraman. - Spinning around.

Yes, managing to keep you in shot,
which can't have been easy.

But there will be bits of the moon
other than the bits that were
brought back

on the surface of the earth.

There's quite a lot of moon
and Mars, because you get
meteorites...

- Of course! - ..that enter the earth's
atmosphere, and it may be apocryphal,

- but there's a story of a piece of
Mars hitting a dog in Egypt and
killed the dog. - Really?

- Yeah. What are the chances?
The unlucky dog. - Poor dog!

But it's one of the Martian
meteorites, one of the famous
Martian meteorites.

- Presumably it ended his life,
coming in at quite a speed. - Yes.

Did it go, "bonk", "arf!"?
LAUGHTER

Would have been good if he'd
caught it.
LAUGTER

There's also story of a woman whose
leg was broken by a meteorite.

She was in bed and one came through
her roof and broke her leg.

Brian, is the moon the same all the
way through, or is the surface
different from the rest?

It's not got an iron core,
because it's thought to have been
blasted off the edge of the Earth

by a collision early on
in the formation of the solar system.

Did they go down very far,
the Apollo astronauts,
when they were collecting samples?

- No, they just scooped it off
the surface. - Into a sack
and off they went. - Yeah.

That's some of the evidence that
tells you that the moon was

blasted off the earth at some point
in the past,

because the composition of the rock
is very similar.

Anyway, I should point
out that the story that Thad Roberts
tells of shagging on the moon,

not everybody believes him, some
people think he's just a big,
old show off,

and it's not true, but he
certainly claims it, so who knows.

And finally, why would I encourage
a psychopath to eyeball my crotch?

LAUGHTER

Look at that picture. I mean...

Wow.

- This is one of those that I don't
think we want to know the real
answer. - No.

It's not a nice idea.

Would it release the tension?

Well, I'm afraid we're back
in the weird world of the 1960s

and we're in the world
of theoretical psychiatry.

And it won't surprise you to learn
that it was in California,

there was a psychologist
called Paul Bindrim,

who pioneered nude psychotherapy,

in 1967, at a nudist resort.

And he devised discomforting
exercises,

one of which was called
"crotch eyeballing",

in which participants
were instructed

to look at each other's genitals...

Oh, God!

..and disclose the sexual
experiences they felt
most guilty about,

while lying naked in a circle
with their legs in the air.

LAUGHTER

I'm afraid there was a doctor

at Oak Ridge Hospital
for the Criminally Insane,

a Canadian psychiatrist,
called Elliot Barker,

who did a marathon nude
psychotherapy session
for criminal psychopaths.

These raw naked LSD-fuelled sessions
lasted 11 days.

Wow.

11 days you'd give a psychopath
LSD, take their clothes off and...

But you see, I believe
in evidence-based medicine,

so if that can be shown to work,
it should be available on the NHS.

Well, I agree.

LAUGHTER

It's not... It doesn't matter
how ridiculous it is.

You're right, you're so right.
I too am an empiricist like you.

You will be pleased to know
that the average rate of recidivism

amongst psychopaths is 60%.

Amongst those who did
that programme, it was 80%.

LAUGHTER

There we are.
Therefore, it's a strong case.

So, we think it's a bad idea.

Recidivism is when you do it,
the crime, again.

Oh, I see, I see. Yes, yes.

But why don't we try it?

LAUGHTER

Let's get up. Let's all get up
and show each other our genitals.

LAUGHTER

Alan, come on, come on. Come on.

APPLAUSE

There's a lot of people getting
cameras out, that's a bit...

LAUGHTER

Social networking.

He's got a very long telephoto
lens as well, it's insulting.

You won't see mine from there,
you'll have to come nearer.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Maybe the audience could
take their clothes off as well.

Would you feel good about that?

Yeah, I'd feel more comfortable.

All right, OK. I hope the BBC
lets us show this moment.

- So, one, two, three.
- Trousers off!

BEEPING

Oh, dear! We, uh...seem to have
a technical problem.

We're working to fix that
as soon as we can.

Uh... Good, it's fixed now,
so let's get straight back to QI.

Hopefully, we haven't missed anything
quite interesting.

Oh, that was very good,
that worked well. Very, very good.

APPLAUSE

- That was interesting.
- Yeah. - Very interesting.

And I can see why
they call you Brian Cox now.

Yes!

Absolutely.

- And a blue one is so weird.
- Yeah, I know, all right.

Anyway, we've learnt a lot about
each other and about the audience.

Thank you for participating
as well, audience. How very kind.

APPLAUSE

It was very interesting, it was very
revealing, and talking of revealing,

there is something after all to be
said for crotch-eyeballing,

but there's a lot more to be said
for score eyeballing.

And my goodness me, do we have
some scores for you today.

It's hard to believe that a man of
such intellect should be
in last place,

but I'm sorry to say, on minus
seven, it's Brian Cox.

Oh, God!

APPLAUSE

And on minus two, Janus... Janus?!

LAUGHTER

Jason, Jason Manford.

APPLAUSE

Oh, dear.

In second place, with a magnificent
plus score of three, is Rhys Darby.

- Oh, well done, mate. - Thank you.
- Good work.

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

And, can we believe it,
ladies and gentlemen,

with a towering five inches,
I mean, sorry...

LAUGHTER

..a towering five points,
Alan Davies.

APPLAUSE

It only remains for me
to thank Rhys, Jason, Brian and Alan

and may God have mercy
on your souls. Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE