QI (2003–…): Season 10, Episode 10 - Jungles - full transcript
Comedy quiz show. Stephen Fry looks at jungles, with Greg Proops, David O'Doherty, Reginald D Hunter and Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE
Goooooooood evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening,
and to a greater or lesser extent,
good evening and welcome to QI,
where tonight, my companions and I
are plunging into the jungle.
And helping me swing my machete are,
the King of the Jungle, Greg Proops.
APPLAUSE
The King of the Swingers,
Reginald D Hunter.
APPLAUSE
A jungle VIP, David O'Doherty.
APPLAUSE
And a bit of an animal, Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE
Well, before we begin, we ought to
hear your beastly buzzers.
Reginald goes...
LION ROARS
David goes...
BIRD SCREECHES
Greg goes...
ELEPHANT TRUMPETS
And Alan goes...
CRICKET CHIRPS
All creatures in the jungle
are of equal value.
So, first question. Where will
the lion sleep tonight?
Ah, no. Is this going to be a trick
where they don't sleep in the night?
Where they don't sleep in the jungle?
You're right.
Man, I am nailing this game!
Because of course there
is a famous song.
In the jungle the lion
sleeps tonight.
Wimoweh, wimoweh.
By Tight Fit.
- Well, by all kinds of people,
actually. - But mainly Tight Fit.
But what you managed to avoid
was falling into the trap
that lions sleep in the jungle,
because where do lions live?
Office buildings.
I was going to say Luton.
I don't know why.
Don't they live in like the veldt
or something like that?
The savannah. It's dry,
it's certainly not jungle.
You wouldn't get a lion there.
And also, quite rightly, one of you
said, they don't sleep at night.
Actually they do sleep a bit
at night,
but most of their waking
hours are at night.
They sleep a hell of a lot,
because they're cats.
And what do cats do?
Sleep in the jungle, er, forest?
They do a lot of sleeping.
That's what I was going to say.
Yeah. They basically let big
animals spend 23 hours a day
eating grass and then they
kill them and eat them all
and get all that nutrient
that lasts them for a week.
So instead of eating vegetables,
you eat something that does
eat vegetables.
Exactly right. That's true.
I feel better about my diet now.
Yeah, I'm glad about that.
But the song The Lion Sleeps
Tonight was the most popular song
ever to come out of Africa.
It was written by a man
called Solomon Linda.
He and the Evening Birds,
as the band were called,
recorded a song called Mbube,
which is the Zulu word for lion.
And they chanted, "Mbube, uyi
Mbube" - lion, you're a lion.
And he was paid the princely sum
of ?1.
No more than that. In 1949, Pete
Seeger gave it to the Weavers.
They made a huge hit out of it.
And then it just carried
on being a hit,
and all kinds of people,
like Tight Fit.
Tight Fit!
But, more importantly, perhaps...
It's better than Loose Fit
for a band, I suppose.
Disney, in 1994,
incorporated it into...?
The Lion King.
Into The Lion King. Now, it's
estimated that if Solomon Linda...
- I'll get points for that. - Will you?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- For knowing Lion King?
If Solomon Linda had been paid
standard composer royalties,
he would have earned,
just from the Broadway version...
?2.
Just from the Broadway version
alone... ?3.
5 million.
- Oh! - Just in five years.
That's just five years of it.
I've got a question now. The pound
that he earned, who paid him that?
Was it somebody British?
No, someone South African, I fear.
So what were them people doing
with y'all money?
It's a good and fair question.
It's not the first time that
musicians, artists, composers
have been exploited, but it is
a pretty extreme example of it.
So just from the song being used
in the Lion King, the musical
on Broadway, he'd have made
5 million?
Yes. That shows you how much
Elton John makes.
That's what I was going to say.
No wonder Tim Rice
is always grinning!
Yeah, exactly.
There's a lot of money in musicals.
It is staggering, isn't it?
But, fortunately, there was some
good that came out it,
because a South African journalist
called Rian Malan
brought the case
to international notice
and Solomon Linda's family sued
and came to a settlement.
So the heirs of Solomon Linda
have at least benefited from it.
Which is a good story.
That's good, that's good.
Isn't it.
Nice to see that, you know, natives
weren't exploited again, you know.
That's a good story there, if I was,
yeah, I would tell that story to...
And yet we opened by saying
that the whole thing
was predicated on a black lie.
- In the jungle, the mighty jungle.
- Lions do not sleep in the jungle.
The Lion Sleeps Tonight.
It doesn't sleep at night,
doesn't sleep in the jungle.
He's lucky to get a ?1 for it,
if you ask me.
Anyway, so that's it.
Now, what would be the best way
for Tarzan to get around the jungle?
Well...
Without a family, I would guess.
Without being tied down.
Is that Johnny Weissmuller?
That's Johnny Weissmuller,
who made his name as a...
- German Olympic swimmer.
- Olympic swimmer, that's right.
- Is that Maureen O'Sullivan?
- That's Maureen O'Sullivan.
Was the boy just called Boy?
Boy, yes.
Yes, he was, the boy was called Boy
and the chimpanzee was called?
Cheetah.
Cheetah, yes.
- He gets around by swimming and
swinging on... What does he swing
on, Greg? - Vines.
SIREN BLARES
You trapped him!
Oh, Alan! You wicked, wicked,
that was diabolical!
I feel really good tonight,
I feel like I've finally
nailed this game.
I didn't know you were going to use
your Jedi powers on me, Davies.
I came in here
with every good intention
and the next thing I know,
I'm providing answers to you.
Tarzan, in the movies,
does appear to swing on vines,
or lianas, as they're called.
But it's impossible to do so,
because they grow from roots
in the ground.
So, if you tried to swing,
you'd just fall straight down.
You might get some
that are twisted into the branches,
but no animal or ape conveys
themselves by swinging on woods.
But what about when you see,
you know, gibbons and whatnot,
flinging through the jungle?
Ah, now that's a very different kind
of action, which is brachiation.
Using their arms to move along.
And gibbons do that
and are excellent at it,
and as you can see,
There you are, yeah. That...
CRICKETS CHIRP
Orang-utan.
Four.
You're in a competitive mood
tonight.
ELEPHANT TRUMPETS
I'd like to say that Alan
is Tarzan's chimp,
because "cheaters" never prosper.
Hey, very good!
But Edgar Rice Burroughs, who
created Tarzan, of course, he said,
"He leaps through
the trees unaided."
"He could drop 20 feet at a stretch
from limb to limb
"in rapid descent to the ground,
"or he could gain
the utmost pinnacle
"of the loftiest tropical giant
with ease and the swiftness
of a squirrel."
And also, why would it be a vine
in the middle of the jungle?
Because a vine is?
Grapes grow on vines.
Exactly.
But, you know, as in the manner
of grapevines,
now, as legend has it, Tarzan,
the reason he used a vine
was not because of its strength
or, you know, the fact
that it came up out of the ground,
it was more so because early on,
when he heard about his girlfriend
cheating on him,
it came, he heard it
via one of those vines.
A lot of people don't know that.
I would say fewer than
a handful really.
Was it his friend Marvin
who told him that, by any chance?
You know the story too!
I know the story as well,
there you go.
That's why they let you host
the show, you smart!
And why is, if you've got a vine,
why is wine based on the Latin
for vine, when we have a vine,
wine and vine, shouldn't they be,
why isn't wine called vine?
When I was taught Latin, we were
taught to pronounce the V as a W.
So it would be "weni, widi, wici,"
I came, I saw, I conquered, is what
Caesar said, or "Caesar" said, yeah.
Is Kaiser in German
from Caesar, then?
Caesar, yes it is. As is Tsar.
See, you learn something every day.
I'm not talking to you any more.
The more you say vine,
the less I'm going to say vine.
But the Germans say Wein
and spell it with a W.
- Ah. - So why is it called
a Caesar salad, then?
It was invented by someone
called Caesar.
I've had a bottle of Caesar salad
where it's on the label
and the man who invented it
is on the label.
- Points to Alan Davies. - Yes.
- It was, in fact, a cook
called Caesar Cardini. - Yeah.
Well done, Alan.
- Well. - Damn, you're doing well. Yeah.
APPLAUSE
Wow, it's interesting that
the two people who be on this show
every week are doing the best.
All right, there.
Yeah, you've got time to catch up,
Reginald, don't you worry.
I just hope for a chance,
I want a chance.
There are questions coming your way
that will thrill you.
- All right, then. - So, what do you
think these monkeys are called?
They are two different species.
- Is one a Bonobo? - No.
Bonobos look more like chimpanzees.
- Aren't they the horniest animals on
Earth as well? - Yes.
Anything you put
in front of Bonobo, it will shag.
LAUGHTER
Honestly, they are the most
sexually, absolutely...
Even Russell Grant?
Bonobos really, actually lions too.
- When lionesses are at it they'll
shag up to 50 times a day. - Really?
It's a ten second business with
the lion, but also the lions
shag each other. About 8%
of all lion sex is gay. So...
- 8% of lion sex is gay?! - Yeah.
Yeah, OK.
Did you get that like, out of a book
of lion facts,
or did you get that from a gay man?
LAUGHTER
I know there are a lot of people
who would have us believe
that only mankind is gay.
In fact, the latest count,
there are about, I believe,
642 species of animal that exhibit
homosexual activity.
But there's only one species that
exhibits homophobia.
That's mankind.
So who's natural? Huh?
I was hoping you were going to
elephants then, I really did.
Come to Mardi Gras, it'll be great.
How did they come up with the figure
8%? That's a lot of research.
- It is. - I saw the Lion King
and I didn't see any stuff going on.
But I did feel the love.
That night. The circle of life
has a whole new meaning.
It certainly does!
The red-faced one needed some
factor 50 before...
I can tell you they come from
completely different parts
of the world.
What's the most noticeable thing
about the one on the left?
- Its nose! - Its nose. Its huge nose.
Can you think of another word
for nose, a rather technical word?
- Olfactory? - Proboscis monkey?
- Is the right answer.
That's a proboscis monkey.
The males have the longest noses,
often going below their chin,
they're so long, and the females
find that very attractive.
There we are.
It's an unusual look, I grant you.
It's a flaccid penis,
that's what that is.
A human could not get its hair like
that without a hairbrush or a comb.
- A lot of product. - That's remarkable.
- It is very impressive.
- It's a very 1950s kind of a vibe. - It
is. It's quite rockabilly, isn't it?
Yeah.
Well, they're charming animals,
and they live mostly in Indonesia
and South East Asia,
but what about the red-faced one?
- Where might that come from?
- That one's called a cabeza rojo.
In Spanish,
which not a lot of people know here.
- Why did it have a Spanish name?
- Because it's from South America.
Is the right answer!
But in fact, the first one,
the proboscis monkey...
I'm coming up on a point, Alan.
The first one is called orang
belanda. Now "orang" means "man".
An orang utan is
"man of the jungle".
But this means, basically,
the big-nosed one is their word for
Dutchmen, who were their colonists,
and they thought those monkeys
looked like their colonial masters.
And so they called them
Dutchmen, basically.
- And this one is even sadder.
- It's so rude.
I know. This one is the uakari
monkey, which is South American,
comes from the Peruvian Amazon
and is very red-faced
and is known by the locals,
unfortunately, as English monkeys,
because they look like tourists
from England!
Slightly bald and red-faced.
If you give them a towel,
will they fight Germans
for space near the pool?
- Are you people all that hairy
when you take your shirts off?
- Oh, definitely.
It's a sweet, charming,
very human face.
Yeah, but in a perpetual
state of embarrassment.
I thought at first it was its bum,
and yet it weirdly had a bum
that looked a bit like a face.
Anyway, that's the uakari monkey,
a rather beautiful creature
in its own way.
Unfortunately, when they get
to zoos, they're very lethargic
and unhappy, but they're very active
and sociable in the wild.
- I get quite lethargic in zoos.
- I know.
A robin red-breast in a cage
puts all heaven in a rage,
as William Blake said.
Also, the ice cream
is very expensive in zoos,
so that's another depressing aspect.
There's that too.
Anyway, why don't
ginger ants use soap?
Cos they like to feel it
when they get together.
Well, getting together
is what it's all about.
Ginger ants, also known as
fire ants, live in the jungle.
And in jungles you can get huge
downpours that will suddenly cause
gigantic rivers
to appear where none were before.
And what's to stop
the ants drowning?
What's their strategy to keep
themselves afloat?
Find a bar of soap?
No, the soap is the bad thing.
That, they don't want that?
They don't want the soap.
Let's say no to soap.
No soap. All right, then.
I assume they'd climb a tree.
If they could, they would, and we're
going to see them climb a tree,
but first they have to cross the
water, if they're suddenly deluged.
Do they sail on little rafts?
They make a raft of themselves.
No!
They cling together
all their little bits, like this,
and they make a raft like that,
even carrying their eggs
and their precious cargo.
That's the fish underneath having
a nibble at them,
but they are, and there
they're getting towards a tree.
They try and climb that tree,
because then they'll be safe.
But it's a really smart strategy.
There they go, he's got,...
the first one's up
and then all the other ones
are following.
Isn't that amazing?
- It is amazing. - And they all survive.
Even the ones on the bottom?
Yeah. What happens is that none of
the ants become submerged
because of the plastron layer of air
between their bodies and the water,
and that's from "piastroni",
Italian for "breastplate",
which is rather pleasing.
A turtle's underbelly
is also called the plastron
and so is a man's stiff,
formal shirt-front.
So you can actually have...
LAUGHTER
Yeah, that was a relief, wasn't it?
You can actually have half a million
fire ants connecting together
in this way and they can assemble
themselves in less than 100 seconds.
And they can float for days,
even weeks,
and migrate immense distances.
Isn't that interesting?
That's how I came over
from Dublin this morning.
But if you put a tiny drop
of soap anywhere near it,
the detergent would break
the surface tension
and they would drown.
But I've got an interesting
experiment,
and I do love, as you know,
to do an interesting experiment.
He does love an experiment.
Now, these will represent red ants.
And this is just,
I just find this magical.
And it's something you can do
at home, ladies and gentlemen,
this is what's fun about it. And...
Will we form an island
and swim across the jar of water?
No. This is red coloured sand
and this is floating on top.
You'll notice wherever I drop it,
it tends to start clinging together.
So you've got, here's your
little raft of red ants,
there they are, in the water.
And I can put my finger in it,
like that,
and my finger will come out
completely dry.
Absolutely dry.
- That's bizarre. - Holy cow!
Yeah, there you are, there you are.
And I've got no sand on my finger
at all. And it just, but...
Are you a devil?
Watch this. This will excite you.
I'm going to pour all this in here.
- Blue ants are attacking red ants!
- Goodness!
Yeah, all these blue ants here,
it's just horrible.
And look at that,
it's all clustered down below.
But this is the magic part.
I get my spoon and I get, all this
sand that's underwater now,
and I just pick up a little
bit of it, like so.
And it's completely dry.
- No way! - It's utterly dry.
Witchcraft!
- Sorcery! - Burn him!
It's completely dry. It is, look.
Witch!
Sand, absolutely dry,
even though there are drops of water
next to it.
- Isn't that magical? - That really is.
- That's just sand and water?
Well, I can tell you.
It's the special nature of the sand.
It's been, as it were, coated.
And, without wishing to give away
the name of a brand of spray
that you are encouraged when you buy
suede shoes to use
to protect your suede shoes,
that might be called something
that rhymed with Gotch Scard...
If you wanted to try this experiment
at home,
you would get a can of
that Gotch Scard
and spray the sand
with it and you will
be able to amaze your friends, if,
but only if, you're as sad as I am.
But there you are. Hooray!
APPLAUSE
- The fun you can have with things.
- Yes.
It's nice, it's good.
It is. Very fun.
Exactly.
Well, anyway, what goes at 40mph
and smells of curry?
Ah, no.
BIRD SCREECH
Yea?
Usain Balti.
APPLAUSE
That's very good!
I have to say that's impressive.
I have to give you points for that,
it's just too good.
I will give you this clue.
An astonishing number of animals
in the wild smell of other things.
And there is an animal
that smells of curry.
And there's no reason for it to,
because it doesn't live in India,
it doesn't eat chillies.
But 40mph is pretty quick.
That's the thing.
It's the fastest of its species.
And it's a signature species for
a whole nation, a whole continent.
The ostrich goes about 40mph.
It does, but this is not a bird.
- Kangaroo. - Yes.
It's the western grey kangaroo.
The fastest of all the kangaroos,
and amazingly...
It smells of curry?
AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: "Ah, Jesus, smells
of a curry. Smell that, mate."
That's just an Australian
who's had a curry the night before,
done a particularly stinky fart,
and then tried to blame it
on a passing kangaroo.
"Oh, did you see
that kangaroo go by there?
"Jeez, what a stink!
It's like a curry!"
Anyway, that's one animal
that smells unusual.
You're not going to get
this next one
because it's such an unusual animal,
but it's rather pleasing to think
the binturong smells like
a freshly made batch of popcorn.
It's also called a bearcat,
but it's actually more like a civet
than either a bear or a cat,
but apparently it smells
of freshly baked popcorn.
Isn't that a lovely thing
for an animal to smell of?
Is it slightly overpriced?
And is the medium one almost exactly
the same as a large one?
Does it smell like
salted or sugar popcorn?
- Ah, now, there's a good question.
- Yeah!
Their birth is apparently
fascinating,
because originally
they're just in a tiny egg,
and then on a very hot day,
suddenly just pop into the air.
I'm going to show you another animal
and it's a common blue butterfly
that has been described by
the famous naturalist
Geoffrey Grigson
as having a particular smell.
- Finger of fudge. - Yes!
What?!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Unbelievable!
Unglaublich. I mean,
I've got to accept that,
because the answer is chocolate.
- Wow. - That is amazing.
How does he do it?
Yeah, you two have developed some
bizarre understanding where...
Yeah, how does a man be on this show
every week come up with
all the answers? I don't know.
He's having a spurt, like an
adolescent having a growth spurt.
A brain spurt.
It's very impressive. Sorry.
My father.
Taking of Alan having a spurt
is not what I'm meant to be doing.
- So chocolate is ground-up
butterflies? - Well, no...
It just so happens
that that species,
according to Geoffrey Grigson,
smells of chocolate.
Well, there you are.
I am staggered by Alan's knowledge.
Now, as long as we're in the jungle,
let's have a dubious jungle theory.
'A dubious theory from Stephen Fry.'
Ah, dear.
At least 10% of the Amazonian
rainforest was deliberately
created by human activity
over a period of 1,500 years
more than 1,000 years ago.
It's an enormous orchard
twice the area of Great Britain.
Dubious or not?
and decide for yourself.
'A dubious theory from Stephen Fry.'
This is a genuine theory.
Can you understand the idea
that the Amazon, which we think
of as the wildest place on Earth
might actually have been,
a lot of it...
Is there a large part of it, then,
that bears fruit
that we would consume?
Not only that, there is real
evidence that a large part,
certainly not the majority,
but a large part of it is composed
of soil that is of human origin,
called terra preta,
which is "black earth"
in Portuguese.
It contains charcoal, bone,
manure and pottery
and can only be humanly produced
as a soil for growing.
It was created deliberately
over 1,500 years,
rich in nutrients
that last thousands of years.
BBC Four made a programme about it
called Unnatural Histories,
arguing that
an advanced civilisation
of five to six million people
flourished along the Amazon
in the 1540s and then diseases
brought by the Spanish such as
smallpox and flu wiped out up to 95%
of the population, and by the 18th
century, the rainforest was empty.
They left no buildings
and only the soil behind.
Extraordinary thought, isn't it?
They say in North America as well,
they always low-ball the amount
of Indians who were there,
but after the Spanish came the first
time, because they travelled
with their pigs, they had every
manner of pig-borne disease,
and when they came back 100
years later, everyone was dead.
There was a quarter of the
population that they had then.
I don't think it's strange
that that would have happened.
And because they didn't leave
buildings,
we don't give them any credit,
except that they left
- an enormous forest which makes
the planet breathe. - I know.
And, indeed, developed
a type of soil that is still amongst
the most fertile and useful
soil there is on earth.
It is remarkable. Not amusing,
but true.
Rather like my bottom.
I don't know how that happened.
So you saying true like,
your bottom will always be there,
- like it's true, your bottom is true.
- It is a bottom of truth.
All right. That's a bold statement
to make about yourself on national
TV. Very impressive.
It's the measure of bottoms,
it's the first bottom
and other bottoms
are compared always to that one.
- That's right. - That's why
it's known as the true bottom.
Or the arse of verity.
- Very fertile. - Whoa!
- OK. Let's just move away.
- You started it!
I did. I just painted myself
into a corner. I don't know how
I managed that.
All right. Moving on. Describe
the world's most hideous lunch.
There's a pretty rotten fruit you
can get in Indonesia that stinks.
- Well, the durian fruit
you're thinking of? - Yes.
- Yes. It's actually delicious, but..
- It smells like rotting flesh.
Yeah. This is actually
an animal thing.
It's just one of those cruel tricks
of nature, you know,
that certain species find ways
of eating other species
that are cunning and cruel.
It's not going to be
a burrowing parasite thing?
Well, it's sort of...
In your Jap's eye.
Oh!
Or in your eye, even.
Think of a little, innocent frog.
A frog sees a larva,
a little bug of some kind,
it will dart its tongue out.
There you go, there's the big frog
and there's the little larva,
and the frog's going to win.
The frog's going to poke its tongue
out and it's going to eat.
- It's not that small a larva.
- I agree.
I mean, I still think
that's quite an ambitious meal
for that frog to take on.
I agree. One of two things happens.
One is the larva will simply
attack the frog
and latch itself
with its quite strong horns,
which you might just be able
to discern in the picture...
What I would do.
- ..onto the back. - I would do that.
And then just eat it
from the inside out.
Yeah, that's exactly
what I would do.
Until there's nothing left
but a pile of bones.
It would simply eat the whole thing.
Really? One larva?
Yeah. But if it so happens
the frog is really quick
and gets the larva into its stomach,
it will then an hour later
regurgitate it, and the larvae will
still be alive and will then eat.
Holy cow!
So it will be eaten
and then eat the thing that ate it,
which is pretty unusual
in the world of nature.
So you can have your frog and eat it?
You can, exactly.
It's a pretty unpleasant process.
It makes you wonder about all things
bright and beautiful.
But we have no footage.
Do we have footage?
We have footage, I'm afraid.
Oh, no! Don't eat that larva!
Two hours later.
- Oh! - "I don't feel so good!"
Oh, having a vomit and out,
it's pulling out of its own mouth
the thing that is then
going to eat it.
It's just so, and there, oh,
it's just being eaten,
it's eating its chin.
It's basically just...
- He was a prince as well! - I know.
It's really not a nice relationship.
And there they are. Poor frog.
Wait a minute, I didn't see the end,
who won?
It looked pretty intense,
but it looked like it could go
either way, really,
you know what I mean.
We were too tasteful to show you
the outcome, it was horrible.
- Too tasteful? That's what's up.
- They shake hands and then they say,
"We've both learned
a valuable lesson here."
It's called the Epomis beetle larva.
About 10% of predator/prey
relationships are where
a smaller animal
can eat a bigger one,
but those are all active attacks.
This is the luring technique.
It actually waves and says,
"Eat me! Eat me!"
It actually
draws attention to itself
so that the frog approaches it
and eats it.
Did you know that 8% of predator/prey
relationships are homosexual?
A lot of people don't know that.
But while on the subject of frogs,
what's this little frog doing?
What's this chap up to?
Wow! It's practising first position?
No. What's going on
in the background?
He's trying to build up his nerve
into jumping in that gushing stream.
And he's going, argh, I can do this!
He's facing the other way.
Ah, I can do this.
Is he fishing? Is he catching
things in his webbed...?
No.
I was thinking maybe there was a
plane load of frogs trying to land.
APPLAUSE
But you know,
air traffic controller frog.
What is it about the background?
Running water.
Water stream, I mean...
Yeah, and what does that create?
If you've got a waterfall
behind you,
how do you communicate
with your neighbour?
- How do you shout?
- It's sign language? - Yes.
- No! - It's semaphore.
- Really? - Stop it!
It's the semaphore frog, because it
lives by waterfalls and cataracts,
and so little...
(IMITATES FROG)
..won't get heard.
So that's how it communicates.
Basically,
it's saying to other males,
"This is my territory, keep away."
Or it's saying to girls,
"Here I am."
Unless it's 8%, of course.
It is a wonderful sight.
It's solved the problem of the fact
that it can't vocalise,
because it lives in
a noisy environment.
There are other ways of attracting
mates which are unusual.
CRICKETS CHIRP
Yes?
The internet.
LAUGHTER
If only you'd said what you
often call the internet.
- What do you sometimes call
the internet? - The interweb.
- Yes. - Web, spiders.
Spiders, yes.
Spiders make webs to catch prey
so they can eat, survive and thrive.
Yes. But there's a particular breed
of spider, they ejaculate into a pad
of webbing and transfer the
sperm-laden pad to their "palps",
which are like their antennae,
and then they wave them around
to attract the female.
"I've got some sperm here.
I've got some sperm for you."
I used to do that, I used to do that
to my ex-girlfriend, because...
I mean...
Why am I not surprised by the word
"ex" in there?
Yeah, I mean she just wanted
to have a baby so bad,
it was just really easy to get
her excited like that.
"I've got some sperm."
And she'd come running
and I'd be like,
"I'm kidding, I'm kidding."
You're probably each well out of it.
Yeah, she's the better for it.
I mean, in fact, I take pride
in believing that I helped her
prepare for the next cat that she...
And think what you're saving on
triple ply tissues. There you are.
Wow!
Sorry.
In some weird English way,
I feel dealt with.
By the way, the credit for the video
tape of that extraordinary frog
waving its hands belongs
to the School of Environment
of Life Sciences
at the University of Salford.
Thank you, University of Salford.
Anyway, Alan, what I'd like you
to do is press your buzzer.
- It's not a trap.
- It's going to be a trap.
Yeah, press your buzzer.
CRICKETS CHIRP
What are those and how do
they make that noise?
Now, this could be
one of two things.
Right.
There's the one that makes
the noise by inflating its thorax,
and the one that makes a noise
by rubbing its back legs together...
SIREN BLARES
So I think it was the first one.
There is actually no insect
that makes a noise
by rubbing its back legs together.
Ah.
But do you know what the animal was
in fact you were listening to?
- Cicada. - It's a cricket, in fact.
It's been known for thousands
of years that crickets
don't chirp
by rubbing their legs together.
So where did that come from then?
It's just one of those weird
fallacies that people cling to,
and I've clung to fallacies,
and it's, it's a...
LAUGHTER
He did say weird phallus, didn't he?
This, this is all, this is...
He said it's a weird phallus
that people cling to.
He said that, didn't he?
- He said, he said fallacies. - Oh.
That means many phalluses.
Yeah, thank you.
Rubbing body...
Oh, God, it's getting worse, sorry.
Rubbing body parts to make sound
is called stridulation.
And crickets have a large vein
along the bottom of each wing,
covered with comb-like teeth.
The chirp comes from the scraping
on the top of one wing
over the bottom of the other.
Nothing to do with legs at all.
- So it's the wings, not their legs.
- It's the wings, not their legs.
And only male crickets chirp,
the females don't.
Four songs, one to attract a female,
two to court a nearby female,
three to warn off another male,
and four to celebrate
a successful mating session.
Really?
Or, four to say to the female,
"Why don't you say something?!"
Yes, quite.
So, basically, it's like they're
high-fiving themselves.
- Yes, they are. - After their...Wooo!
Yes, success!
I would just order pizza.
That's what we tend to do,
but they just high-five themselves,
as you say. But this,
listen to this,
this is the most
extraordinary cricket of all.
It's the snowy tree cricket.
And if you count the times,
because they're very susceptible
to temperature, if you count
the times they chirp in 14 seconds
and add 40, you will get
the temperature in Fahrenheit.
No way, shut up!
Yes way, absolute way.
I know it sounds mad, it's from the
1897 masterpiece by Amos Dolbear,
The Cricket as a Thermometer.
But it is extraordinary, isn't it?
I'd still prefer a thermometer up my
bum if I was in hospital than a...
Amazing, isn't it?
Dolbear's Law. Now you know.
Anyway, what lives underwater
and is the loudest animal
in the world for its size?
ELEPHANT TRUMPETS
Greg Proops?
Oprah.
Good answer, but untrue.
Is it going to be a blue whale?
SIRENS BLARE
Oh, Alan, you and your blue,
you were doing so well.
No, it's the largest
in relation to its size,
the noise it makes
is quite astounding.
When I tell you that its size
is two millimetres,
and it creates a sound
of over 99 decibels,
which is like a freight train
passing by.
It's an incredibly loud noise,
and it's a little lake creature,
actually.
Do you know those things that seem
to walk on water, do you remember
what they're called?
Our Lord?
APPLAUSE
You could call this the Jesus insect
if you wanted. It's a water boatman.
The water boatman
is a beautiful little creature
and it uses the surface tension
of the water, there you see,
to walk along the water.
That's a pond skater, of course.
So unlike a blue whale
in almost every respect.
It really is. The noise it gives out
is like a passing freight train.
We have a theory how they produce
it, and we'd like you
to try out our theory.
They use their penises
against their tummies.
Penii?
Penii, if you like.
Penises if you wanted to speak
in English, but...
But by all means penii, if you like.
They rub their penises
on their tummy
and somehow create a noise
of 99.2 decibels.
- But that's just a theory though,
right? - Yeah.
Because I put my penis against
my belly, it don't make no noise.
If you really whack it though,
if you...
(MIMES WHIP NOISE)
Steady, steady.
It depends on if I have
to get up in a hurry.
Like, if I got an hour or so...
Imagine that it's a penis,
all right.
If you'd pass that to Greg.
You know, imagining is not helping,
but all right.
Obviously there's yours, Alan.
No.
APPLAUSE
You can have a normal one.
Now this is quite complicated,
but you should have
a little bowl of rosin,
as in the kind of stuff
that ballet dancers use
to keep their shoes
from sliding on the stage
and string players use for their
bows. Ordinary rosin.
Oh, very good. Listen to that
noise. Keep doing that.
HIGH-PITCHED TONE
You're rubbing, you're trying to,
it gets surprisingly loud,
doesn't it?
HIGH-PITCHED TONE CONTINUES
Oh, God, yes!
I don't seem to be attracting
any boatmen or women.
HIGH-PITCHED TONE
I'm not getting 99 decibels.
TONE INCREASES IN VOLUME
There, you see that?
This is still louder, though.
- Is that yours?
- But isn't that surprising?
Wow!
TONE INCREASES IN VOLUME
- Yeah. - Aaah!
Aaaaaah!
It's like Mars Attacks
and our brains will explode.
Solo!
Alan's very good at it, isn't he?
Have you given him a wand?
Is that a wand?
APPLAUSE
It's a very interesting thing.
You can pop your little ones
down now. Yeah.
It is surprising
how...how loud it can be.
No females have approached, Stephen.
I could do it under the table,
then no-one knows...
HIGH-PITCHED TONE
Miss, Miss, Alan's doing it again!
TONE INCREASES IN VOLUME
You're very good at it! Alan,
you have a natural talent at last.
And he's doing that with his penis.
He put the rod down hours ago.
- It actually is 99 decibels?
- About 90% of it is lost underwater,
but you can still hear it
above water, because it's so loud.
- How loud is a blue whale?
Come on! - Oh, it's loud.
- The blue whale is capable of 188
decibels. - Ah! - Which is a lot more.
Way more! And its cock is enormous!
But we were talking
about proportionality.
If it was able to rub its cock
on its belly, it would be DEAFENING!
It can't, you see.
That's what nature provides,
because their flippers
are too short.
If they could get access
to their enormous penis,
they would deafen the oceans.
So, the water boatman
makes a big noise
with its mighty, stridulating penis.
Anyway, throughout the show
tonight, there's been a species of
striped animal in full view
here in the studio.
Let me know when you see it.
There is a striped animal somewhere
in the studio in full view.
- Er, are people stripey? - Yes! - Really?
All human beings have stripes, very
regular stripes, on their skin.
They were discovered
in 1901 by a dermatologist,
and they're called Blashcko lines.
He studied 140 patients who had
a particular kind of skin disease,
and he drew up the map that
followed the exact lines.
They just don't show unless you have
that particular condition.
- It's almost like camouflage
if we lived in pasta. - Yes!
It would be.
Maybe that's how it evolved.
But in cases of animals that
are obviously striped like zebras...
- Tigers! - And tigers. Zebras, for
example... - Want a point for that?
- Oh, yeah. - Is a zebra white with black
stripes or black with white stripes?
- Yes. - Which? - It's black with...
What do you think, Greg?
Thank you, Alan.
One, they smell like chocolate,
so I'd say chocolate.
I would say they are black
with white lines,
that's what I would say.
- No, they're white
with black stripes. - Well, you would
say that, wouldn't you, white man!
APPLAUSE
- But they have black noses. - They do
have black noses. - That's ridiculous.
That's the stupidest thing I've ever
heard. I'm not playing any more.
- I'm furious. - It was discovered...
Ooooh!
Now, we don't throw our toys
out of the pram.
Humans are not only striped,
incidentally,
we are also bioluminescent.
We give off light, and this, again,
was a recent discovery,
a Japanese discovery.
In 2009 they photographed
the faint glow of human
bioluminescence for the first time.
It's 1,000 times weaker than
our eyes can detect, unfortunately.
But it is there. We do give off
a small amount of light.
It's a shame he's got his pants on,
cos I'd like to see how
luminous your cock is!
You must get yourself a job
in one of those body scanning units
at Heathrow,
and you would have
the most amusing time
looking at people's willies
as they walk through.
The green bit is a mystery.
I don't know whether
that is the photograph
and the sensitivity of the camera
is such that...
That's bio-Hulk-inescence.
That's the Credible Hulk,
who was slightly different...
I like the Credible Hulk.
He's a Hulk, but I believe him.
He goes a little bit green
and slightly peeved.
I would watch the Credible Hulk.
There you are.
Anyway, it's time
for the final scores.
I'm sorry to say, that in last place
with minus 10 is Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE
How did I get minus 10?
And just behind, with minus eight,
is Greg Proops.
APPLAUSE
Then, with minus six,
is David O'Doherty.
APPLAUSE
With one plus point,
Reginald D Hunter.
APPLAUSE
Well done.
Well, that's all from David,
Reginald, Greg, Alan and me.
Remember, snakes are more afraid
of you than you are of them.
Unfortunately,
this is not true of mosquitoes,
spiders, bears or tigers.
But don't have nightmares.
Good night.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
Goooooooood evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening,
and to a greater or lesser extent,
good evening and welcome to QI,
where tonight, my companions and I
are plunging into the jungle.
And helping me swing my machete are,
the King of the Jungle, Greg Proops.
APPLAUSE
The King of the Swingers,
Reginald D Hunter.
APPLAUSE
A jungle VIP, David O'Doherty.
APPLAUSE
And a bit of an animal, Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE
Well, before we begin, we ought to
hear your beastly buzzers.
Reginald goes...
LION ROARS
David goes...
BIRD SCREECHES
Greg goes...
ELEPHANT TRUMPETS
And Alan goes...
CRICKET CHIRPS
All creatures in the jungle
are of equal value.
So, first question. Where will
the lion sleep tonight?
Ah, no. Is this going to be a trick
where they don't sleep in the night?
Where they don't sleep in the jungle?
You're right.
Man, I am nailing this game!
Because of course there
is a famous song.
In the jungle the lion
sleeps tonight.
Wimoweh, wimoweh.
By Tight Fit.
- Well, by all kinds of people,
actually. - But mainly Tight Fit.
But what you managed to avoid
was falling into the trap
that lions sleep in the jungle,
because where do lions live?
Office buildings.
I was going to say Luton.
I don't know why.
Don't they live in like the veldt
or something like that?
The savannah. It's dry,
it's certainly not jungle.
You wouldn't get a lion there.
And also, quite rightly, one of you
said, they don't sleep at night.
Actually they do sleep a bit
at night,
but most of their waking
hours are at night.
They sleep a hell of a lot,
because they're cats.
And what do cats do?
Sleep in the jungle, er, forest?
They do a lot of sleeping.
That's what I was going to say.
Yeah. They basically let big
animals spend 23 hours a day
eating grass and then they
kill them and eat them all
and get all that nutrient
that lasts them for a week.
So instead of eating vegetables,
you eat something that does
eat vegetables.
Exactly right. That's true.
I feel better about my diet now.
Yeah, I'm glad about that.
But the song The Lion Sleeps
Tonight was the most popular song
ever to come out of Africa.
It was written by a man
called Solomon Linda.
He and the Evening Birds,
as the band were called,
recorded a song called Mbube,
which is the Zulu word for lion.
And they chanted, "Mbube, uyi
Mbube" - lion, you're a lion.
And he was paid the princely sum
of ?1.
No more than that. In 1949, Pete
Seeger gave it to the Weavers.
They made a huge hit out of it.
And then it just carried
on being a hit,
and all kinds of people,
like Tight Fit.
Tight Fit!
But, more importantly, perhaps...
It's better than Loose Fit
for a band, I suppose.
Disney, in 1994,
incorporated it into...?
The Lion King.
Into The Lion King. Now, it's
estimated that if Solomon Linda...
- I'll get points for that. - Will you?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- For knowing Lion King?
If Solomon Linda had been paid
standard composer royalties,
he would have earned,
just from the Broadway version...
?2.
Just from the Broadway version
alone... ?3.
5 million.
- Oh! - Just in five years.
That's just five years of it.
I've got a question now. The pound
that he earned, who paid him that?
Was it somebody British?
No, someone South African, I fear.
So what were them people doing
with y'all money?
It's a good and fair question.
It's not the first time that
musicians, artists, composers
have been exploited, but it is
a pretty extreme example of it.
So just from the song being used
in the Lion King, the musical
on Broadway, he'd have made
5 million?
Yes. That shows you how much
Elton John makes.
That's what I was going to say.
No wonder Tim Rice
is always grinning!
Yeah, exactly.
There's a lot of money in musicals.
It is staggering, isn't it?
But, fortunately, there was some
good that came out it,
because a South African journalist
called Rian Malan
brought the case
to international notice
and Solomon Linda's family sued
and came to a settlement.
So the heirs of Solomon Linda
have at least benefited from it.
Which is a good story.
That's good, that's good.
Isn't it.
Nice to see that, you know, natives
weren't exploited again, you know.
That's a good story there, if I was,
yeah, I would tell that story to...
And yet we opened by saying
that the whole thing
was predicated on a black lie.
- In the jungle, the mighty jungle.
- Lions do not sleep in the jungle.
The Lion Sleeps Tonight.
It doesn't sleep at night,
doesn't sleep in the jungle.
He's lucky to get a ?1 for it,
if you ask me.
Anyway, so that's it.
Now, what would be the best way
for Tarzan to get around the jungle?
Well...
Without a family, I would guess.
Without being tied down.
Is that Johnny Weissmuller?
That's Johnny Weissmuller,
who made his name as a...
- German Olympic swimmer.
- Olympic swimmer, that's right.
- Is that Maureen O'Sullivan?
- That's Maureen O'Sullivan.
Was the boy just called Boy?
Boy, yes.
Yes, he was, the boy was called Boy
and the chimpanzee was called?
Cheetah.
Cheetah, yes.
- He gets around by swimming and
swinging on... What does he swing
on, Greg? - Vines.
SIREN BLARES
You trapped him!
Oh, Alan! You wicked, wicked,
that was diabolical!
I feel really good tonight,
I feel like I've finally
nailed this game.
I didn't know you were going to use
your Jedi powers on me, Davies.
I came in here
with every good intention
and the next thing I know,
I'm providing answers to you.
Tarzan, in the movies,
does appear to swing on vines,
or lianas, as they're called.
But it's impossible to do so,
because they grow from roots
in the ground.
So, if you tried to swing,
you'd just fall straight down.
You might get some
that are twisted into the branches,
but no animal or ape conveys
themselves by swinging on woods.
But what about when you see,
you know, gibbons and whatnot,
flinging through the jungle?
Ah, now that's a very different kind
of action, which is brachiation.
Using their arms to move along.
And gibbons do that
and are excellent at it,
and as you can see,
There you are, yeah. That...
CRICKETS CHIRP
Orang-utan.
Four.
You're in a competitive mood
tonight.
ELEPHANT TRUMPETS
I'd like to say that Alan
is Tarzan's chimp,
because "cheaters" never prosper.
Hey, very good!
But Edgar Rice Burroughs, who
created Tarzan, of course, he said,
"He leaps through
the trees unaided."
"He could drop 20 feet at a stretch
from limb to limb
"in rapid descent to the ground,
"or he could gain
the utmost pinnacle
"of the loftiest tropical giant
with ease and the swiftness
of a squirrel."
And also, why would it be a vine
in the middle of the jungle?
Because a vine is?
Grapes grow on vines.
Exactly.
But, you know, as in the manner
of grapevines,
now, as legend has it, Tarzan,
the reason he used a vine
was not because of its strength
or, you know, the fact
that it came up out of the ground,
it was more so because early on,
when he heard about his girlfriend
cheating on him,
it came, he heard it
via one of those vines.
A lot of people don't know that.
I would say fewer than
a handful really.
Was it his friend Marvin
who told him that, by any chance?
You know the story too!
I know the story as well,
there you go.
That's why they let you host
the show, you smart!
And why is, if you've got a vine,
why is wine based on the Latin
for vine, when we have a vine,
wine and vine, shouldn't they be,
why isn't wine called vine?
When I was taught Latin, we were
taught to pronounce the V as a W.
So it would be "weni, widi, wici,"
I came, I saw, I conquered, is what
Caesar said, or "Caesar" said, yeah.
Is Kaiser in German
from Caesar, then?
Caesar, yes it is. As is Tsar.
See, you learn something every day.
I'm not talking to you any more.
The more you say vine,
the less I'm going to say vine.
But the Germans say Wein
and spell it with a W.
- Ah. - So why is it called
a Caesar salad, then?
It was invented by someone
called Caesar.
I've had a bottle of Caesar salad
where it's on the label
and the man who invented it
is on the label.
- Points to Alan Davies. - Yes.
- It was, in fact, a cook
called Caesar Cardini. - Yeah.
Well done, Alan.
- Well. - Damn, you're doing well. Yeah.
APPLAUSE
Wow, it's interesting that
the two people who be on this show
every week are doing the best.
All right, there.
Yeah, you've got time to catch up,
Reginald, don't you worry.
I just hope for a chance,
I want a chance.
There are questions coming your way
that will thrill you.
- All right, then. - So, what do you
think these monkeys are called?
They are two different species.
- Is one a Bonobo? - No.
Bonobos look more like chimpanzees.
- Aren't they the horniest animals on
Earth as well? - Yes.
Anything you put
in front of Bonobo, it will shag.
LAUGHTER
Honestly, they are the most
sexually, absolutely...
Even Russell Grant?
Bonobos really, actually lions too.
- When lionesses are at it they'll
shag up to 50 times a day. - Really?
It's a ten second business with
the lion, but also the lions
shag each other. About 8%
of all lion sex is gay. So...
- 8% of lion sex is gay?! - Yeah.
Yeah, OK.
Did you get that like, out of a book
of lion facts,
or did you get that from a gay man?
LAUGHTER
I know there are a lot of people
who would have us believe
that only mankind is gay.
In fact, the latest count,
there are about, I believe,
642 species of animal that exhibit
homosexual activity.
But there's only one species that
exhibits homophobia.
That's mankind.
So who's natural? Huh?
I was hoping you were going to
elephants then, I really did.
Come to Mardi Gras, it'll be great.
How did they come up with the figure
8%? That's a lot of research.
- It is. - I saw the Lion King
and I didn't see any stuff going on.
But I did feel the love.
That night. The circle of life
has a whole new meaning.
It certainly does!
The red-faced one needed some
factor 50 before...
I can tell you they come from
completely different parts
of the world.
What's the most noticeable thing
about the one on the left?
- Its nose! - Its nose. Its huge nose.
Can you think of another word
for nose, a rather technical word?
- Olfactory? - Proboscis monkey?
- Is the right answer.
That's a proboscis monkey.
The males have the longest noses,
often going below their chin,
they're so long, and the females
find that very attractive.
There we are.
It's an unusual look, I grant you.
It's a flaccid penis,
that's what that is.
A human could not get its hair like
that without a hairbrush or a comb.
- A lot of product. - That's remarkable.
- It is very impressive.
- It's a very 1950s kind of a vibe. - It
is. It's quite rockabilly, isn't it?
Yeah.
Well, they're charming animals,
and they live mostly in Indonesia
and South East Asia,
but what about the red-faced one?
- Where might that come from?
- That one's called a cabeza rojo.
In Spanish,
which not a lot of people know here.
- Why did it have a Spanish name?
- Because it's from South America.
Is the right answer!
But in fact, the first one,
the proboscis monkey...
I'm coming up on a point, Alan.
The first one is called orang
belanda. Now "orang" means "man".
An orang utan is
"man of the jungle".
But this means, basically,
the big-nosed one is their word for
Dutchmen, who were their colonists,
and they thought those monkeys
looked like their colonial masters.
And so they called them
Dutchmen, basically.
- And this one is even sadder.
- It's so rude.
I know. This one is the uakari
monkey, which is South American,
comes from the Peruvian Amazon
and is very red-faced
and is known by the locals,
unfortunately, as English monkeys,
because they look like tourists
from England!
Slightly bald and red-faced.
If you give them a towel,
will they fight Germans
for space near the pool?
- Are you people all that hairy
when you take your shirts off?
- Oh, definitely.
It's a sweet, charming,
very human face.
Yeah, but in a perpetual
state of embarrassment.
I thought at first it was its bum,
and yet it weirdly had a bum
that looked a bit like a face.
Anyway, that's the uakari monkey,
a rather beautiful creature
in its own way.
Unfortunately, when they get
to zoos, they're very lethargic
and unhappy, but they're very active
and sociable in the wild.
- I get quite lethargic in zoos.
- I know.
A robin red-breast in a cage
puts all heaven in a rage,
as William Blake said.
Also, the ice cream
is very expensive in zoos,
so that's another depressing aspect.
There's that too.
Anyway, why don't
ginger ants use soap?
Cos they like to feel it
when they get together.
Well, getting together
is what it's all about.
Ginger ants, also known as
fire ants, live in the jungle.
And in jungles you can get huge
downpours that will suddenly cause
gigantic rivers
to appear where none were before.
And what's to stop
the ants drowning?
What's their strategy to keep
themselves afloat?
Find a bar of soap?
No, the soap is the bad thing.
That, they don't want that?
They don't want the soap.
Let's say no to soap.
No soap. All right, then.
I assume they'd climb a tree.
If they could, they would, and we're
going to see them climb a tree,
but first they have to cross the
water, if they're suddenly deluged.
Do they sail on little rafts?
They make a raft of themselves.
No!
They cling together
all their little bits, like this,
and they make a raft like that,
even carrying their eggs
and their precious cargo.
That's the fish underneath having
a nibble at them,
but they are, and there
they're getting towards a tree.
They try and climb that tree,
because then they'll be safe.
But it's a really smart strategy.
There they go, he's got,...
the first one's up
and then all the other ones
are following.
Isn't that amazing?
- It is amazing. - And they all survive.
Even the ones on the bottom?
Yeah. What happens is that none of
the ants become submerged
because of the plastron layer of air
between their bodies and the water,
and that's from "piastroni",
Italian for "breastplate",
which is rather pleasing.
A turtle's underbelly
is also called the plastron
and so is a man's stiff,
formal shirt-front.
So you can actually have...
LAUGHTER
Yeah, that was a relief, wasn't it?
You can actually have half a million
fire ants connecting together
in this way and they can assemble
themselves in less than 100 seconds.
And they can float for days,
even weeks,
and migrate immense distances.
Isn't that interesting?
That's how I came over
from Dublin this morning.
But if you put a tiny drop
of soap anywhere near it,
the detergent would break
the surface tension
and they would drown.
But I've got an interesting
experiment,
and I do love, as you know,
to do an interesting experiment.
He does love an experiment.
Now, these will represent red ants.
And this is just,
I just find this magical.
And it's something you can do
at home, ladies and gentlemen,
this is what's fun about it. And...
Will we form an island
and swim across the jar of water?
No. This is red coloured sand
and this is floating on top.
You'll notice wherever I drop it,
it tends to start clinging together.
So you've got, here's your
little raft of red ants,
there they are, in the water.
And I can put my finger in it,
like that,
and my finger will come out
completely dry.
Absolutely dry.
- That's bizarre. - Holy cow!
Yeah, there you are, there you are.
And I've got no sand on my finger
at all. And it just, but...
Are you a devil?
Watch this. This will excite you.
I'm going to pour all this in here.
- Blue ants are attacking red ants!
- Goodness!
Yeah, all these blue ants here,
it's just horrible.
And look at that,
it's all clustered down below.
But this is the magic part.
I get my spoon and I get, all this
sand that's underwater now,
and I just pick up a little
bit of it, like so.
And it's completely dry.
- No way! - It's utterly dry.
Witchcraft!
- Sorcery! - Burn him!
It's completely dry. It is, look.
Witch!
Sand, absolutely dry,
even though there are drops of water
next to it.
- Isn't that magical? - That really is.
- That's just sand and water?
Well, I can tell you.
It's the special nature of the sand.
It's been, as it were, coated.
And, without wishing to give away
the name of a brand of spray
that you are encouraged when you buy
suede shoes to use
to protect your suede shoes,
that might be called something
that rhymed with Gotch Scard...
If you wanted to try this experiment
at home,
you would get a can of
that Gotch Scard
and spray the sand
with it and you will
be able to amaze your friends, if,
but only if, you're as sad as I am.
But there you are. Hooray!
APPLAUSE
- The fun you can have with things.
- Yes.
It's nice, it's good.
It is. Very fun.
Exactly.
Well, anyway, what goes at 40mph
and smells of curry?
Ah, no.
BIRD SCREECH
Yea?
Usain Balti.
APPLAUSE
That's very good!
I have to say that's impressive.
I have to give you points for that,
it's just too good.
I will give you this clue.
An astonishing number of animals
in the wild smell of other things.
And there is an animal
that smells of curry.
And there's no reason for it to,
because it doesn't live in India,
it doesn't eat chillies.
But 40mph is pretty quick.
That's the thing.
It's the fastest of its species.
And it's a signature species for
a whole nation, a whole continent.
The ostrich goes about 40mph.
It does, but this is not a bird.
- Kangaroo. - Yes.
It's the western grey kangaroo.
The fastest of all the kangaroos,
and amazingly...
It smells of curry?
AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: "Ah, Jesus, smells
of a curry. Smell that, mate."
That's just an Australian
who's had a curry the night before,
done a particularly stinky fart,
and then tried to blame it
on a passing kangaroo.
"Oh, did you see
that kangaroo go by there?
"Jeez, what a stink!
It's like a curry!"
Anyway, that's one animal
that smells unusual.
You're not going to get
this next one
because it's such an unusual animal,
but it's rather pleasing to think
the binturong smells like
a freshly made batch of popcorn.
It's also called a bearcat,
but it's actually more like a civet
than either a bear or a cat,
but apparently it smells
of freshly baked popcorn.
Isn't that a lovely thing
for an animal to smell of?
Is it slightly overpriced?
And is the medium one almost exactly
the same as a large one?
Does it smell like
salted or sugar popcorn?
- Ah, now, there's a good question.
- Yeah!
Their birth is apparently
fascinating,
because originally
they're just in a tiny egg,
and then on a very hot day,
suddenly just pop into the air.
I'm going to show you another animal
and it's a common blue butterfly
that has been described by
the famous naturalist
Geoffrey Grigson
as having a particular smell.
- Finger of fudge. - Yes!
What?!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Unbelievable!
Unglaublich. I mean,
I've got to accept that,
because the answer is chocolate.
- Wow. - That is amazing.
How does he do it?
Yeah, you two have developed some
bizarre understanding where...
Yeah, how does a man be on this show
every week come up with
all the answers? I don't know.
He's having a spurt, like an
adolescent having a growth spurt.
A brain spurt.
It's very impressive. Sorry.
My father.
Taking of Alan having a spurt
is not what I'm meant to be doing.
- So chocolate is ground-up
butterflies? - Well, no...
It just so happens
that that species,
according to Geoffrey Grigson,
smells of chocolate.
Well, there you are.
I am staggered by Alan's knowledge.
Now, as long as we're in the jungle,
let's have a dubious jungle theory.
'A dubious theory from Stephen Fry.'
Ah, dear.
At least 10% of the Amazonian
rainforest was deliberately
created by human activity
over a period of 1,500 years
more than 1,000 years ago.
It's an enormous orchard
twice the area of Great Britain.
Dubious or not?
and decide for yourself.
'A dubious theory from Stephen Fry.'
This is a genuine theory.
Can you understand the idea
that the Amazon, which we think
of as the wildest place on Earth
might actually have been,
a lot of it...
Is there a large part of it, then,
that bears fruit
that we would consume?
Not only that, there is real
evidence that a large part,
certainly not the majority,
but a large part of it is composed
of soil that is of human origin,
called terra preta,
which is "black earth"
in Portuguese.
It contains charcoal, bone,
manure and pottery
and can only be humanly produced
as a soil for growing.
It was created deliberately
over 1,500 years,
rich in nutrients
that last thousands of years.
BBC Four made a programme about it
called Unnatural Histories,
arguing that
an advanced civilisation
of five to six million people
flourished along the Amazon
in the 1540s and then diseases
brought by the Spanish such as
smallpox and flu wiped out up to 95%
of the population, and by the 18th
century, the rainforest was empty.
They left no buildings
and only the soil behind.
Extraordinary thought, isn't it?
They say in North America as well,
they always low-ball the amount
of Indians who were there,
but after the Spanish came the first
time, because they travelled
with their pigs, they had every
manner of pig-borne disease,
and when they came back 100
years later, everyone was dead.
There was a quarter of the
population that they had then.
I don't think it's strange
that that would have happened.
And because they didn't leave
buildings,
we don't give them any credit,
except that they left
- an enormous forest which makes
the planet breathe. - I know.
And, indeed, developed
a type of soil that is still amongst
the most fertile and useful
soil there is on earth.
It is remarkable. Not amusing,
but true.
Rather like my bottom.
I don't know how that happened.
So you saying true like,
your bottom will always be there,
- like it's true, your bottom is true.
- It is a bottom of truth.
All right. That's a bold statement
to make about yourself on national
TV. Very impressive.
It's the measure of bottoms,
it's the first bottom
and other bottoms
are compared always to that one.
- That's right. - That's why
it's known as the true bottom.
Or the arse of verity.
- Very fertile. - Whoa!
- OK. Let's just move away.
- You started it!
I did. I just painted myself
into a corner. I don't know how
I managed that.
All right. Moving on. Describe
the world's most hideous lunch.
There's a pretty rotten fruit you
can get in Indonesia that stinks.
- Well, the durian fruit
you're thinking of? - Yes.
- Yes. It's actually delicious, but..
- It smells like rotting flesh.
Yeah. This is actually
an animal thing.
It's just one of those cruel tricks
of nature, you know,
that certain species find ways
of eating other species
that are cunning and cruel.
It's not going to be
a burrowing parasite thing?
Well, it's sort of...
In your Jap's eye.
Oh!
Or in your eye, even.
Think of a little, innocent frog.
A frog sees a larva,
a little bug of some kind,
it will dart its tongue out.
There you go, there's the big frog
and there's the little larva,
and the frog's going to win.
The frog's going to poke its tongue
out and it's going to eat.
- It's not that small a larva.
- I agree.
I mean, I still think
that's quite an ambitious meal
for that frog to take on.
I agree. One of two things happens.
One is the larva will simply
attack the frog
and latch itself
with its quite strong horns,
which you might just be able
to discern in the picture...
What I would do.
- ..onto the back. - I would do that.
And then just eat it
from the inside out.
Yeah, that's exactly
what I would do.
Until there's nothing left
but a pile of bones.
It would simply eat the whole thing.
Really? One larva?
Yeah. But if it so happens
the frog is really quick
and gets the larva into its stomach,
it will then an hour later
regurgitate it, and the larvae will
still be alive and will then eat.
Holy cow!
So it will be eaten
and then eat the thing that ate it,
which is pretty unusual
in the world of nature.
So you can have your frog and eat it?
You can, exactly.
It's a pretty unpleasant process.
It makes you wonder about all things
bright and beautiful.
But we have no footage.
Do we have footage?
We have footage, I'm afraid.
Oh, no! Don't eat that larva!
Two hours later.
- Oh! - "I don't feel so good!"
Oh, having a vomit and out,
it's pulling out of its own mouth
the thing that is then
going to eat it.
It's just so, and there, oh,
it's just being eaten,
it's eating its chin.
It's basically just...
- He was a prince as well! - I know.
It's really not a nice relationship.
And there they are. Poor frog.
Wait a minute, I didn't see the end,
who won?
It looked pretty intense,
but it looked like it could go
either way, really,
you know what I mean.
We were too tasteful to show you
the outcome, it was horrible.
- Too tasteful? That's what's up.
- They shake hands and then they say,
"We've both learned
a valuable lesson here."
It's called the Epomis beetle larva.
About 10% of predator/prey
relationships are where
a smaller animal
can eat a bigger one,
but those are all active attacks.
This is the luring technique.
It actually waves and says,
"Eat me! Eat me!"
It actually
draws attention to itself
so that the frog approaches it
and eats it.
Did you know that 8% of predator/prey
relationships are homosexual?
A lot of people don't know that.
But while on the subject of frogs,
what's this little frog doing?
What's this chap up to?
Wow! It's practising first position?
No. What's going on
in the background?
He's trying to build up his nerve
into jumping in that gushing stream.
And he's going, argh, I can do this!
He's facing the other way.
Ah, I can do this.
Is he fishing? Is he catching
things in his webbed...?
No.
I was thinking maybe there was a
plane load of frogs trying to land.
APPLAUSE
But you know,
air traffic controller frog.
What is it about the background?
Running water.
Water stream, I mean...
Yeah, and what does that create?
If you've got a waterfall
behind you,
how do you communicate
with your neighbour?
- How do you shout?
- It's sign language? - Yes.
- No! - It's semaphore.
- Really? - Stop it!
It's the semaphore frog, because it
lives by waterfalls and cataracts,
and so little...
(IMITATES FROG)
..won't get heard.
So that's how it communicates.
Basically,
it's saying to other males,
"This is my territory, keep away."
Or it's saying to girls,
"Here I am."
Unless it's 8%, of course.
It is a wonderful sight.
It's solved the problem of the fact
that it can't vocalise,
because it lives in
a noisy environment.
There are other ways of attracting
mates which are unusual.
CRICKETS CHIRP
Yes?
The internet.
LAUGHTER
If only you'd said what you
often call the internet.
- What do you sometimes call
the internet? - The interweb.
- Yes. - Web, spiders.
Spiders, yes.
Spiders make webs to catch prey
so they can eat, survive and thrive.
Yes. But there's a particular breed
of spider, they ejaculate into a pad
of webbing and transfer the
sperm-laden pad to their "palps",
which are like their antennae,
and then they wave them around
to attract the female.
"I've got some sperm here.
I've got some sperm for you."
I used to do that, I used to do that
to my ex-girlfriend, because...
I mean...
Why am I not surprised by the word
"ex" in there?
Yeah, I mean she just wanted
to have a baby so bad,
it was just really easy to get
her excited like that.
"I've got some sperm."
And she'd come running
and I'd be like,
"I'm kidding, I'm kidding."
You're probably each well out of it.
Yeah, she's the better for it.
I mean, in fact, I take pride
in believing that I helped her
prepare for the next cat that she...
And think what you're saving on
triple ply tissues. There you are.
Wow!
Sorry.
In some weird English way,
I feel dealt with.
By the way, the credit for the video
tape of that extraordinary frog
waving its hands belongs
to the School of Environment
of Life Sciences
at the University of Salford.
Thank you, University of Salford.
Anyway, Alan, what I'd like you
to do is press your buzzer.
- It's not a trap.
- It's going to be a trap.
Yeah, press your buzzer.
CRICKETS CHIRP
What are those and how do
they make that noise?
Now, this could be
one of two things.
Right.
There's the one that makes
the noise by inflating its thorax,
and the one that makes a noise
by rubbing its back legs together...
SIREN BLARES
So I think it was the first one.
There is actually no insect
that makes a noise
by rubbing its back legs together.
Ah.
But do you know what the animal was
in fact you were listening to?
- Cicada. - It's a cricket, in fact.
It's been known for thousands
of years that crickets
don't chirp
by rubbing their legs together.
So where did that come from then?
It's just one of those weird
fallacies that people cling to,
and I've clung to fallacies,
and it's, it's a...
LAUGHTER
He did say weird phallus, didn't he?
This, this is all, this is...
He said it's a weird phallus
that people cling to.
He said that, didn't he?
- He said, he said fallacies. - Oh.
That means many phalluses.
Yeah, thank you.
Rubbing body...
Oh, God, it's getting worse, sorry.
Rubbing body parts to make sound
is called stridulation.
And crickets have a large vein
along the bottom of each wing,
covered with comb-like teeth.
The chirp comes from the scraping
on the top of one wing
over the bottom of the other.
Nothing to do with legs at all.
- So it's the wings, not their legs.
- It's the wings, not their legs.
And only male crickets chirp,
the females don't.
Four songs, one to attract a female,
two to court a nearby female,
three to warn off another male,
and four to celebrate
a successful mating session.
Really?
Or, four to say to the female,
"Why don't you say something?!"
Yes, quite.
So, basically, it's like they're
high-fiving themselves.
- Yes, they are. - After their...Wooo!
Yes, success!
I would just order pizza.
That's what we tend to do,
but they just high-five themselves,
as you say. But this,
listen to this,
this is the most
extraordinary cricket of all.
It's the snowy tree cricket.
And if you count the times,
because they're very susceptible
to temperature, if you count
the times they chirp in 14 seconds
and add 40, you will get
the temperature in Fahrenheit.
No way, shut up!
Yes way, absolute way.
I know it sounds mad, it's from the
1897 masterpiece by Amos Dolbear,
The Cricket as a Thermometer.
But it is extraordinary, isn't it?
I'd still prefer a thermometer up my
bum if I was in hospital than a...
Amazing, isn't it?
Dolbear's Law. Now you know.
Anyway, what lives underwater
and is the loudest animal
in the world for its size?
ELEPHANT TRUMPETS
Greg Proops?
Oprah.
Good answer, but untrue.
Is it going to be a blue whale?
SIRENS BLARE
Oh, Alan, you and your blue,
you were doing so well.
No, it's the largest
in relation to its size,
the noise it makes
is quite astounding.
When I tell you that its size
is two millimetres,
and it creates a sound
of over 99 decibels,
which is like a freight train
passing by.
It's an incredibly loud noise,
and it's a little lake creature,
actually.
Do you know those things that seem
to walk on water, do you remember
what they're called?
Our Lord?
APPLAUSE
You could call this the Jesus insect
if you wanted. It's a water boatman.
The water boatman
is a beautiful little creature
and it uses the surface tension
of the water, there you see,
to walk along the water.
That's a pond skater, of course.
So unlike a blue whale
in almost every respect.
It really is. The noise it gives out
is like a passing freight train.
We have a theory how they produce
it, and we'd like you
to try out our theory.
They use their penises
against their tummies.
Penii?
Penii, if you like.
Penises if you wanted to speak
in English, but...
But by all means penii, if you like.
They rub their penises
on their tummy
and somehow create a noise
of 99.2 decibels.
- But that's just a theory though,
right? - Yeah.
Because I put my penis against
my belly, it don't make no noise.
If you really whack it though,
if you...
(MIMES WHIP NOISE)
Steady, steady.
It depends on if I have
to get up in a hurry.
Like, if I got an hour or so...
Imagine that it's a penis,
all right.
If you'd pass that to Greg.
You know, imagining is not helping,
but all right.
Obviously there's yours, Alan.
No.
APPLAUSE
You can have a normal one.
Now this is quite complicated,
but you should have
a little bowl of rosin,
as in the kind of stuff
that ballet dancers use
to keep their shoes
from sliding on the stage
and string players use for their
bows. Ordinary rosin.
Oh, very good. Listen to that
noise. Keep doing that.
HIGH-PITCHED TONE
You're rubbing, you're trying to,
it gets surprisingly loud,
doesn't it?
HIGH-PITCHED TONE CONTINUES
Oh, God, yes!
I don't seem to be attracting
any boatmen or women.
HIGH-PITCHED TONE
I'm not getting 99 decibels.
TONE INCREASES IN VOLUME
There, you see that?
This is still louder, though.
- Is that yours?
- But isn't that surprising?
Wow!
TONE INCREASES IN VOLUME
- Yeah. - Aaah!
Aaaaaah!
It's like Mars Attacks
and our brains will explode.
Solo!
Alan's very good at it, isn't he?
Have you given him a wand?
Is that a wand?
APPLAUSE
It's a very interesting thing.
You can pop your little ones
down now. Yeah.
It is surprising
how...how loud it can be.
No females have approached, Stephen.
I could do it under the table,
then no-one knows...
HIGH-PITCHED TONE
Miss, Miss, Alan's doing it again!
TONE INCREASES IN VOLUME
You're very good at it! Alan,
you have a natural talent at last.
And he's doing that with his penis.
He put the rod down hours ago.
- It actually is 99 decibels?
- About 90% of it is lost underwater,
but you can still hear it
above water, because it's so loud.
- How loud is a blue whale?
Come on! - Oh, it's loud.
- The blue whale is capable of 188
decibels. - Ah! - Which is a lot more.
Way more! And its cock is enormous!
But we were talking
about proportionality.
If it was able to rub its cock
on its belly, it would be DEAFENING!
It can't, you see.
That's what nature provides,
because their flippers
are too short.
If they could get access
to their enormous penis,
they would deafen the oceans.
So, the water boatman
makes a big noise
with its mighty, stridulating penis.
Anyway, throughout the show
tonight, there's been a species of
striped animal in full view
here in the studio.
Let me know when you see it.
There is a striped animal somewhere
in the studio in full view.
- Er, are people stripey? - Yes! - Really?
All human beings have stripes, very
regular stripes, on their skin.
They were discovered
in 1901 by a dermatologist,
and they're called Blashcko lines.
He studied 140 patients who had
a particular kind of skin disease,
and he drew up the map that
followed the exact lines.
They just don't show unless you have
that particular condition.
- It's almost like camouflage
if we lived in pasta. - Yes!
It would be.
Maybe that's how it evolved.
But in cases of animals that
are obviously striped like zebras...
- Tigers! - And tigers. Zebras, for
example... - Want a point for that?
- Oh, yeah. - Is a zebra white with black
stripes or black with white stripes?
- Yes. - Which? - It's black with...
What do you think, Greg?
Thank you, Alan.
One, they smell like chocolate,
so I'd say chocolate.
I would say they are black
with white lines,
that's what I would say.
- No, they're white
with black stripes. - Well, you would
say that, wouldn't you, white man!
APPLAUSE
- But they have black noses. - They do
have black noses. - That's ridiculous.
That's the stupidest thing I've ever
heard. I'm not playing any more.
- I'm furious. - It was discovered...
Ooooh!
Now, we don't throw our toys
out of the pram.
Humans are not only striped,
incidentally,
we are also bioluminescent.
We give off light, and this, again,
was a recent discovery,
a Japanese discovery.
In 2009 they photographed
the faint glow of human
bioluminescence for the first time.
It's 1,000 times weaker than
our eyes can detect, unfortunately.
But it is there. We do give off
a small amount of light.
It's a shame he's got his pants on,
cos I'd like to see how
luminous your cock is!
You must get yourself a job
in one of those body scanning units
at Heathrow,
and you would have
the most amusing time
looking at people's willies
as they walk through.
The green bit is a mystery.
I don't know whether
that is the photograph
and the sensitivity of the camera
is such that...
That's bio-Hulk-inescence.
That's the Credible Hulk,
who was slightly different...
I like the Credible Hulk.
He's a Hulk, but I believe him.
He goes a little bit green
and slightly peeved.
I would watch the Credible Hulk.
There you are.
Anyway, it's time
for the final scores.
I'm sorry to say, that in last place
with minus 10 is Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE
How did I get minus 10?
And just behind, with minus eight,
is Greg Proops.
APPLAUSE
Then, with minus six,
is David O'Doherty.
APPLAUSE
With one plus point,
Reginald D Hunter.
APPLAUSE
Well done.
Well, that's all from David,
Reginald, Greg, Alan and me.
Remember, snakes are more afraid
of you than you are of them.
Unfortunately,
this is not true of mosquitoes,
spiders, bears or tigers.
But don't have nightmares.
Good night.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media