Pushpavalli (2017): Season 2, Episode 6 - Kaju! - full transcript

Hi!

Arhaan! Wake up its time to go.

Lee! I've been trying to call you.
Why aren't you taking my calls?

Do you have any books to return?

Yeah.

Lee...

Lee! Okay will you just give
me a minute to explain myself?

Okay, look about the things
I said outside the police station...

Arhaan! One book is missing.

What book is it?

It’s called “Knobby
the one-legged dragon”



Maybe he's left it in my car...
umm...what does it look like?

It's a paperback book.

Paperback..?

Arhaan!! Go find it,
otherwise you'll be fined.

What’s a paper… can I just…

It’s a paper “back” book!

I thought you said paper “bag” book”

I mean...

Come on Lee! It was funny...

Lee!

Ah...shit on my ass!

- Hey man!
- Heiiloooo!...

Go deal with him.

You go deal with him.



You go deal with him!

Pankaj! I can't deal with him right now.

Did you guys fuck?

What? No. Pankaj!
I don't wanna talk to him right now.

I don't wanna talk to him either.

He's a fricking ungrateful
piece of shit and

I never should have helped him out.
You were right.

Yeah

Hey listen!

I’m really sorry alright.

And I really appreciate you
going out of your way to help me.

Who's he talking to?

Me, I think.

I know I shouldn't
have said those things.

I crossed a line there.

He crossed a line with me.

No, no, no he crossed
a line with me for sure.

And if there's ever anything
that I can do to help you

with your electricity connection thing,
please let me know.

Fuck, yeah! He's mine bitch.

Ah well you know… it’s okay.

Anyways, I guess I'll see you around.

I won't be coming in from tomorrow.

Oh, how come?

Swati's coming back.

Oh! She is?!

Yeah, didn't she tell you?

Ah! No! Yeah! She told me.

But, you know. She was like, Tuesday

and I was like all this Chinese calendar
and cross over time zones and shit.

So, yeah! She told me.

Anyway! See you.

Cool! See you man.

Arhaan! Come on let's go.

Oh! Pankaj! One more time.

I really really appreciate you going
out of your way to help me like that.

Oh! Well! I appreciate the appreciation

Thanks man!

Thank you...

Yeah! Don't beg dude, don't beg dude
Fuckin.. despo..

Chi!

Hey hello! Mr. Rao!

I knew that would get to you.

He went out of his way to help you? huh?
He didn’t ditch his fiancé for you, I did.

I know..

He didn’t trick the
municipal guy for you, I did.

- I know Lee.
- He didn’t get slapped for you, I did.

Wait. What? You got slapped.

- Where?
- On my ass.

Where do you think?
On my face.

No, I mean. Where did this happen,
at the municipal corporation?

No, at the police station.

Why wouldn't you tell me?

Why? So that you can
thank the police station guys.

'Coz that's the pattern of my life.
I do all the work..

Lee! Why would you keep
something like this from me, huh?

I would have called someone.
I could have done something.

I don't understand what goes
on in that stupid head of yours

Why are you yelling at me?

Why do you think I'm yelling at you?

Because you got slapped and told
me about this after an entire day later,

that's why.

Come here, show me.

Does it hurt?

This cheek.

Thank God it's not bruised.

You've been icing it?...hmm?

Silly girl made me say
all those things to you.

I don’t understand you.

Excuse me?
I made you say all of those things?

No, that's not what I meant. Lee!

I am so sorry.

Before I make you say something else,
I'll leave you alone.

Lee, that's not what I...
Pushpavalli!!...Lee!!

Where has this kid gone? Arhaan!

[Phone ringing]

Fuck!! Shh!

Hmm...yeah..Mom, tell me

Hello! Pushpavalli! You have 2 minutes?

Yeah mom, tell me. What happened?

Mom?

Over, your marriage is over.

I thought you'll meet your
in-laws and make them like you.

But you're a big queen.

You won't call them,
you won't meet them.

You haven't even met Vidyuth yet!

Why, Vidyuth called and told you?

Who cares who called me Pushpavalli.

- You didn't call anybody.
- Fuck!!

Ah! Mom, I was really
busy at the library today

Oh! That crèche is it?

So much of work, you have to clean
all the 10th day funeral utensils..

have to clean those
children's potty and pee

Yuck! Mom!

What yuck?

Meaning?

Don’t tie a knot between
your knee and a bald head

Dhara! Dishti!…Oh! door is open!

Quietly go meet them or
else come right back to Bhopal

Oh wow it's stinky

Mom... shhh!

Ei!

Who said shut up to Vasu,
Who was it??

Hey!… “Shhh” “shut up” to me?

Ei… “Sshh” “Shut up”? How dare?

Come out, come out..
I say…

Where are you? Come out!

Come out! Ei Ei!

Ei!! Come out!

[Vasu] saying ssshh shut up!

Vasu!

Yes!

What do you think? 10 or 15?

Must be 20 for sure.

Ei! 20, 10, 15

What you girls are playing
Housie Housie, what are you doing?

We are talking about
years in jail for murder.

Murder ahh...Whose murder?

You tell us Vasu.

Hey owlets!
If you want to play Housie means first,

you give tickets we’ll play a Quick 5

otherwise... shut up!

Because, I need to find out who
in this room asked Vasu to shut up...

What happened Father-In-Law?

Getting a heart attack father-in-law?

You want water father-in-law?

But first I'll have father-in-law

I am so thirsty father-in-law!

Summer season no father-in-law

You've not put AC also no father-in-law

Because you are miserly
bitch father-in-law

You're so stingy no father-in-law.

I'll have one sip father-in-law.

Then I'll call ambulance father-in-law.

You can't breathe father-in-law.

You've died off father-in-law

Eiii…Relax!!!
Be cool little bit!

Why are you so AGRO all the time?

Vasu is here for you only?
What do you want? Tell.

Privacy!

Privacy?

That's all ah? Of course! Why not?

Who better than Vasu to understand
the needs of your privacy at this age.

Please enjoy your youths.

Has everyone brought their
harmonicas I gave you all yesterday?

Yes!

Good! Remember,
if you break it, you get fined.

If you lose it, you get fined.

If you get food stuck inside
it after you've eaten, you get...

"Fined"

"Fined" that's right. Alright!

Now we're gonna learn to hold
our harmonicas the right way, okay.

I want you all to hold it in between
your index finger and your thumb.

- And the thumb
- Sorry Pankaj uncle,

mom couldn't find parking.

Your mom’s here?

Just go sit down

Hello Swati….

You're not here yet.

Okay! Alright, whatever

Ah! The index finger and the thumb.
Alright! Now, make sure

- Booo!
- Oh! Haiii!

Hi!

- Did you miss me?
- Ummm...

Well! You better have.

Because I spent the ONLY day I had off
looking for the perfect gift for you.

Oh! Oh! C'mon! It's got pigs on it?

Yeah ! Because it’s the
year of the “Earth Pig” there.

Ah! That's really nice.
I was wondering if...

Wait! There’s more, check it out…
assorted custard buns.

Pineapple! Oh shit!

Yes, do you like it?

Yeah!

I am so glad.

God! You're an angel...

I still need to talk...

Listen! Is your harmonica class now?

Ah! Yeah!

Ah! May I please stay and listen?
I wanna hear you play, please.

I'll be so quiet.

- Umm!
- Please?

- Umm! Alright!
- Pretty Please?

Okay okay !
Guess if we're gonna hang around then,

we can talk later...so then..

Thank you! Play well.

Yeah! Fuckin asshole…c’mon man… keep it together

Alright! You're going to be there,
alright! Cool!

Ah! ah! Where was I saying, what was I?

4...No.4?

Did I say something about No.4? Num...

Fuck me c’mon…

On the count of 3 just blow
into the middle of the harmonica...

1, 2, 3 and…

[blowing the harmonica]

Billie Jean King. Who's won more,
Venus or Serena Williams?

Serena! Easy.

Okay, first Australian player
to have won two US Opens in a row?

"Patrick Rafter"

Spoon.

Who did Steffi Graf defeat
to win her first Grand Slam?

"Navratilova".

Only player to have won
Wimbledon with an invite?

"Ivanisevic", I love him, he's the best.
I love him.

Chi! You like all these
losers only na, Valli!

I bet you don't like Sampras also, no?

Obviously, Sampras is too perfect.

Great game,
great volley, looks also great.

Exactly.

What's the point? Ivanisevic
has more heart, he has more personality.

Personality over perfection, always.

You know, when he won Wimbledon
for the first time, I got so happy,

I made "coconut burfi"
for the entire building.

What the hell!

It's not hot for you?

No, no, Mom made me touch
hot things since I was a child.

Really! How long have you been cooking?

Since I was in 2nd standard.

Nice. That means this
upma must be very tasty then!

Give me little bit.

Give me your hand.

Vidhu!

Yeah mom! Coming!

Valli one minute I’ll come okay.

What is it mom?

Now, we're gonna learn
how to play the "C chord"

by blowing in the holes 4,
5 and 6 alright.

So, go ahead and blow into 4, 5 and 6.

On 1, 2, 3 and…

[blowing the harmonica]

Shhhhh…. Shhh!

No, where are you going?
Where are you going, no, no.

Shhhh..No…what are you doing?

Mom told me not to let her sleep.
Because she has let jack.

It’s “Jet lag”,
alright, it doesn’t matter.

Just, you don't have to wake her up.

Let her sleep, go. Just, let her sleep.

Uncle, can we play now?

Just!…shh..No…just…
First…Quiet…

because the most important
thing for a harmonica player to do,

is to, make sure that their
throats are warmed up, quietly.

Okay, because that's
the only way we're gonna learn

how to play all our favourite
cartoon songs, right?

You like cartoons, hmm?

What’s the other cartoon,
on the television, with the little kid,

that “Fat”… “Fat ladoo”
that guy with the hair

"Baloo the bear"

Alright! Alright the Hindi one

"big small", "big small babus"...

[Laughing]

Right, that's, that's, that's the one.
You know what I'm talking about.

Now…Shhh!! Don’t… Enough.

Now warm your throats up.

Yeah! Warm your throats real nice.
That's right.

You don’t have to make a funny face.

Can we play now?

No!! Just shut up and warm it

Hmm. Take this and cut it.

Be careful, okay?

Listen Anandhi!

Immediately after marriage
these people will go to the US.

Then you will
be alone right?

So you do one thing, you put one of the CCTVs.

No CCTV and all. I’ll keep a dog.

I cannot take care of any dog.

Of course… As if you take
care of everything in the house?

Exactly

Is it? Who brings milk?

Milkman brings it.

Keeping it in the
fridge is not buying it.

So bored I am.

What about electricity bill?

Here. Cut apples.

- We pay online.
- No, no, you only do.

This one will say something.

Very irritating this aunt is.

Flowers?

- Hey! Guess the tennis player?

-Yeah! Tell me…
- Okay come

Who opens the door
when the househelp comes?

What are you doing?

I'm writing on your back.
You have to guess.

- …stop it.

Listen Pushpavalli what do
you do at this children's library?

Where, where is it?

But you have a Food Science degree.
Then why are you working in a crèche?

- Is it?
- Tell dear!

Why is she feeling nervous, tell us!

Why is blankly staring?

Tell no?

She’s nervous maybe…

- Don't be nervous.
- Tell!

- Yeah! Tell no.
- We're a family.

We're a family now, tell...

Don't worry.

Tell

Tell

Tell

What happened?

Oh my God!

Sorry. I'll just wash it and come.

Did any blood fall on that apple?
Washington apple no, 250 rupees per kg.

Can we play now?

Shh...shh..

Uncle I want to pee.

Keep wanting.

Uncle, please!

Okay Go.

But, don't flush.

Uncle, can we at least read books?

No.

You guys turn the pages too loud.

- [Coughing]
- Shhh...shhh!

[Tap Running]

You wanted a boy from Bangalore.

Hi!

And he's from Bangalore.

Have you and Vidyuth done it?

Somehow that boy also
likes that you are chubby.

Very hot.

What?

You shouldn't rush into it.

What are you doing?

I’m your fiancé,
not some loafer on the street.

You deserve to be with someone special.

- Valli!
- Yeah!

Are you okay?

- Yeah! Am fine.
- Show me your hand.

- No, I'm fine.
- Show...

- I'm fine.
- Show me!

Okay, I'll put one band aid, wait.

No, it's okay.
No need for band aid.

What do you mean no need?
It will get septic.

What are you saying?

It's not bleeding, so just..

Let me put it no.

Wait, okay!

Poor thing.

Next time,
I'll only cut apples, alright?

Okay, that's it.

Yeah...

What happened?

Am I making you uncomfortable?

No, it's fine.

Then what? You’re scared?

No.

Think I'll do something?

No.

Think I'll give you a kiss or something?

What?

Feeling better?

[Cellphone Vibrating]

Uh… Pankaj is calling…

- Pankaj?
- Yeah!

Okay! Take.

Can you give me...

Oh! Okay uh…

I’ll wait outside.

Don't worry, it's been only 10 minutes.

Um, where, where are the kids?

I sent them out to play.

I didn't want them to disturb you.

Oh! Okay! Umm...

Good 'coz I wanted to
talk to you about something.

- Sure...about what?
- Oh no! wait, wait, wait okay.

Don't, just.
Let's sort something out first.

Why are you being
aggressive with me Pankaj?

Please don't think I've forgotten how
you hung up on me when I was in China.

Okay, okay wait.

Don't, don't try and beat
me to getting pissed alright.

I get to be pissed right now.

Pissed about what?

About this whole casual thing man Swati.

I feel like, it means different
things for the both of us, alright.

Okay, what is casual for you?

Well for me, casual is like the
foreplay before the relationship, man.

Which means…

There’s definitely
gonna be some sex after that.

Which means, there's gonna
be a relationship after the foreplay.

Foreplay being the casual...sex
is the relationship!

So, you're not happy with the sex?

No, the sex is great.
Both times, both great.

It’s about more than the sex.

This is..look…

I just wanna know if you're
being casual with just me

or are you being casual
with other people too?

Are you asking me,
if I am sleeping with other people?

Noooo!

Are you?

- No!
- Okay then.

Why are you calling them from China
and getting them to pick up your kid

and keeping your kid's spare
shirts in their car and stuff?

Wow! Are you talking about Nikhil?

Ah! No, I'm talking
about fucking Santa clause.

Yes, I'm talking about him. Jeez..

Okay, well if this is
your idea of a conversation,

I am done.

Oh, fuckin!

Oh! And for the record,
the only reason I asked Nikhil to fetch

and drop Arhaan is
because unfortunately,

both my mother and Arhaan
are more comfortable with him.

I wish it wasn't that
way but it is what it is.

I considered taking
you up on your offer.

But, I figured that it would put
too much pressure on our relationship

and so, I didn't Pankaj.

Oh! And I didn't spend my ONLY day off

looking for something to buy for him.

Ha ha!

Enjoy your custard buns.

Fuck!

[Harmonica Playing]

What are you doing?

I just want to say, I'm really sorry

for being such an insecure
piece of shit, alright!

I just really like you man!

And when you went away to China,

I started over thinking
stuff in my head, you know,

and it was like a
devil's workshop in there

and I don't know what was going on,

I was just…

…and then that handsome bastard came in

and he wasn't wearing any
socks and that got me thinking

are you into these naked
ankles things or what...

I should have just shut up

and I should have just
waited for you to come back

and everything would have been fine.

But, now I've gone and
spent 600 bucks on bikini socks

and now my ankles are cold…

I really like you

… but you’re mad at me.

And I was supposed
to get all of that from that song?

Pankaj, I've...

I've just been hurt too much.

What?

And it always only
happens when you rush...

What are you saying?

and it just always always
ends up falling apart.

What did you say?
SHUT UP!

What did you say?

I really like you, Kaju.

I really like you too.

SHUT UP!
God damn it.

Jeez am sorry.

I really like you too.

Good!

Yeah!

Cut her hand, poor thing!

What poor thing?
She just ruined my apples and all.

All blood over it.

- The blood has stopped?
- Yeah, yeah...

Are you okay?

Yeah! I'm fine, thank you.

Bhopal,
when are you going back to Bhopal?

I haven't decided.

You should be spending more
time no there, before marriage?

Yeah! But there's
some more time to it so..

In one month marriage is happening.

What you will spend only
3 days with your mother?

You can always spend more time
with Vidyuth after marriage, okay?

Shhhhh! You can ask
these things later as well?

1 month?

ya…

Marriage is in April right!?

It was but then that Guruji
only found a date next month.

When?

Valli! Why are you behaving
like you don't know this?

I didn’t know. No, I can’t…

- What!?
- I can't...

- Can't, what?
- I can't...

What are you saying, Valli?

I'm sorry. But, I have to go.

So soon?

Actually, Pankaj just called.

He needed some help at the library.

Also I have a curfew at the PG, so.
I'll come tomorrow.

Okay.

Who's this Pankaj?

Who's this Pankaj?

They called me "Harmonica
Harish" back in college.

But, that's 'coz no one really
knew me by my first name, you know.

They just knew I play
the harmonica really well.

So, yeah! I know what I'm doing.

Next time just make sure she soothes
her throat before coming to class

and we won't have to waste
any time doing that here.

Okay. Thank you.

Wow! The things you get away with, Kaju!

Hmm… Umm.. Listen Swati!

I think it's very cute and all of that.

But, can I be honest?

I just don’t really like pistachios.

- There I said it.
- What?

I don't, I don't like the kajus,
and the pistachios.

- I just don’t like it, alright.
- Kaju isn’t pistachio.

Okay badam. Whatever.

You know, I don't really like dry fruits
and I don't want you to think that I do

and get me a kilo of it from Dubai
on discount or something, you know.

No, silly boy. I call you
Kaju because it’s part of your name.

Like P.A.N.K.A.J…U

KAJU!

Euuuuu…. Yeaaah!

That's not bad, that's a good..

- Right?
- Yeah! You deducted it from the "K",

that's smart, that's smart.

You know,
I didn't, I didn't realize that.

Have you thought of
any other options though?

Is that the first thing
that popped up in your head?

Maybe like you know,
there’s the other part “PAN”

related like “Paneer”? right?

That's not good...

Ah! Pancreas?

No, that's terrible.

Ah! Pa..Panda.
No, I don't look like a panda,

What am I saying? Ah..

We're just going to stick to "Kaju".

Okay!

Okay! Okay!

Pankaj!

Hey! PUSHPAVALLI!

Hi!

You're supposed to be at your in-laws...

What do you want?

What?

Tell what?

What do you...

She must have done something stupid,
alright...

Give me a second.

What?

Don't touch dude.

Don't tell me you didn't
go to your in-laws place today.

No, I did, I did...Umm...

Pankaj! I need some money.

Is this for his debt?

- 'Coz I'm not giving.
- No, no, no, not for his debt

it's just...it's...it's just...

What?

I...

I don't have all day man, spit it out.

Okay, Vidyuth and I, you know, we,

we tried to and then he… he was

and then I didn't
know how to react and...

What the fuck did you do dude!!

Pankaj! He's repulsed by my body.

We tried to get close to each other,
and he was being shy and I thought..

I'll make a move but
he was so disgusted by me

that I didn't know how to react.

Alright, hold on.
Where the fuck did you touch him?

Pankaj! It doesn't matter.

It's just, he's disgusted by me and I,
I've been trying to lose weight Pankaj.

You know I don't eat now.

I just eat a cube of
butter whenever I am hungry.

You eat butter to lose weight.

What, do you have shit for brains?

Pankaj! Now what do I do?
Can you please tell me that?

Because, my wedding is in a month.

I need to lose all this weight.

Your wedding's in six months?

No, they pre-poned my wedding.

So, now it's in a month

and I need to lose
all this weight in a month.

Pankaj! So, just give me the money.

I'll get a surgery done.

You wanna spend the money on surgery?

- I'll get the surgery done...
- Okay, alright.

I've heard enough.

Pushpavalli. Firstly, congratulations
on this little wedding of yours.

Secondly, you need to leave this boy.

No, no, no, Swati! Swati!
I can’t do that, okay!

My mother will be
so disappointed with me.

She will not understand this.

I need to,
I need to get the surgery done.

My mother will not listen to me.

Maximum she listens to Pankaj.
But, she doesn't listen to anyone.

Alright! Alright! Alright! Pankaj!

You speak with her mother

and tell her this is all ridiculous
and she can't go through with this.

I don't know, alright!

She's, she's not the kinda person,
that listens, alright.

You know what?
My mother will not listen to anyone.

Just give me the money.
I'll get the surgery done.

What is wrong with you? Pankaj!

I don't.

Okay, I don't know man. I,

Pankaj! Just don’t do it…
don’t call my..

- Wait!
- Ahhh! Fine.

Fine, I'll figure it out.

What'll you do?

I'll call your mom, alright...

- Pankaj!
- I'll call her!

Here you go,
don't worry,

he'll figure it out, okay?

[Pushpavalli Sighs]