Psych (2006–2014): Season 6, Episode 9 - Neil Simon's Lover's Retreat - full transcript

Shawn and Juliet go to a lover's retreat and meet an overly romantic couple. The couple are scam artists who recently high jacked a motorist. Shawn and Juliet end up working the case. Gus, Lassiter, and Henry spend a restless weekend in town.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -

No, that is not acceptable.
We had a deal.

Does that not mean anything
to anybody anymore?

What, your yes, not yes?
Your no, not no?

I mean, if this doesn't
go through, I'm screwed.

I'm screwed.

I've got a mortgage,
I have a baby, come on!

Oh, geez.

No, let me call you back,
let me call you back.

You all right?

Better than you, beamer.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Well, now this situation is all wrong.

Oh, come on.

Trust me,
I'm doing these glasses a favor.


Taking the lady to a spa weekend.


That's big time, son.

He wouldn't even tell me
how much it costs.

That's because
it's not about money, Jules.

It's about giving you a vacation
you so richly deserve.

And spending an absurd
amount of money to do it.

You are growing up
right in front of my eyes.

Come on, Gus,
you knew this day would come.


Bye, Gus.


Make sure you water my plants,
thrice daily.

But do not talk to them,
because once they get started

they will not stop, especially Jim.

- Jim is the fichus?
- Yes, indeed.

Got it.


I need to tell you something.

Read my thoughts.

I don't know how to do that.

- Yes, you do.
- No.




My God, it's crazy, that's
exactly what I was thinking.

- That was just a test.
- Okay.

- Okay, here it is, ready?
- All right.

- Still waffles.
- Damn it.

- One more time.
- Okay.

Why are you gazing
into each other's eyes?

We're not doing that,
just a routine forehead check.


Listen, Shawn, I know you're nervous

about this weekend, but don't worry.

You're ready for this.

Now go and have some fun,
you big spender, what?

Come on, son, come on.

I'm gonna call you, okay?
So keep your phone on.

Oh, yeah.

Think you can survive
for two days without each other?

Of course.

Look, Jules, I know that you
have very definite expectations

for this weekend.

What do you mean?

Well, you sent me an email on
the fifth saying

"Shawn, I have very definite
expectations for this weekend."

Right, to which you responded,

"Slumber party,
nudie times, drinky-drinky."

That's my
"out of office reply."

Look, I just think
this trip is important for us.

It's our first time
out of the SBPD bubble

and we'll see how we
really are as a couple.


It is an opportunity for us

to take our relationship
to the next step

in a mature way.

- I'm very excited.
- Me too.

Now let's go have fun.

Don't worry about me,
I have an epic weekend planned.

It's gonna be off the...



Hello, Guster.
I didn't know you shopped here.

- I had coupons.
- Yes.

They do have some good bargains.

I loaded up on an armful of 40 watts.

That's a lot of light bulbs.


Yeah, I'm set.

Good lord, you're not actually
buying scented candles are you?

How else am I supposed to
freshen up my place?

Well, do what I do,

you put your laundry basket outside,

and blast the place with right guard.

Your girlfriend's gonna wish
she stayed in prison.

Don't you usually
see her on Saturdays?

Yeah, but she got thrown in solitary

for dry-gulching
a home girl on the chow line.

She sure hates cutsies.

Shawn and I
usually play skee-ball,

and make crank calls all night.

That's you who keeps calling me?


What the...?


What are you doing here?

Buy one full price, get one free.

That's what I call value.

Oh, so you're the one that
took all the light bulbs, huh?

You two shop together often?

- Pff, please.
- No.

Come on, man.

So you and your shirts
got a big weekend planned?

If by big weekend you mean
watching the Mannix marathon,

then yes, we do.

Yeah, we got nothing to do either.

Tsk, speak for yourself.
I have plans.

In fact, I'm going
to a new spot tonight.

It's supposed to be slammin'.

Packed to the rafters
with "biddies."

Heh, heh.



Well, personally I'm looking forward

to a nice, quiet
weekend at home, alone.

Yeah, solitude.

Good for the soul.

Good for you.

Packed to the rafters?


Excellent, now I'll just need
to see a photo I.D., Mr. Guster.


- Enjoy your stay.
- I am sure we will.


That's all you.

Shawn, the hotel can arrange
for a hot air balloon tour.

I would love to do that.

I think it would also
be romantic if we took naps

in those large pool floaties
that look like shamu.

Shawn, I know this isn't your thing,

but it makes me so happy
that you're here.

And look, we did it!

The two of us, on vacation.

Along with all of these
other people, unfortunately.

We're going to have fun,
relax, and most importantly,

no work.

For two whole days I am not a cop,

and you are not a psychic.

Come on, you know I can't
just turn it off like that.


But just...none of this?

Heh, heh!

I believe this is gonna
work out just fine, sugar plum.

- Let's go a huntin'.
- Ooh.

# I know you know

# that I'm not telling the truth #

# I know you know

# they just don't have any proof #

# Embrace the deception

# learn how to bend

# your worst inhibitions

# tend to psych you out in the end #

Look, Gus, this is my fifth message.

I'm all out of alias'.

It's Shawn, I need to talk to you.

Call me back immediamente!


What the...what?

- Um...
- Oh, um, Shawn.

This is Barbie and Clive Noble,
they just arrived today as well.

Did they?

Yeah, I saw Juliet here, and I said,

now there is a beautiful woman

with impeccable taste.

We're gonna get along just fine.

Oh, my God, look at that rock.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry we stole your shade, Shawn.


Oh, no, no, no, it's fine,
we can share mine.

I did say "seat save."

Do you not remember me
saying "seat save?"

No, I don't.


Why are you inviting strangers
into our vacation?

Because that is what adult couples do,

they make vacation friends.

Why do we need new friends?
I have Gus.

You have...
whoever your friends are.

Shawn, you're embarrassing me.

So, uh, Barbie here is from Kentucky

and she met Clive in Seattle
and they have been married

for five years.

Wow, that's so much information,

how long was I at the juice bar?

So, uh, what do you do, Shawn?

Professional water skier.

Who works for
the city of Santa Barbara,

as do I.

Y'all both water ski
for the city of Santa Barbara?

Oh, baby...
my temples, my temples.

Oh, sorry, honey.

- Oh, oh!
- How's that?

Oh, right there, mm.

So, um, is there a lot of money

in competitive aquatics, Shawn?

It's good benefits.

Decent Christmas party.

You know, we do okay.

Oh, I bet.
This place is puh-ricey.

Nothing too good for my Barbie.

Oh, baby, what do I do to deserve you?

- Besides totally deserve me?
- Oh, I do.

Muah, I love you so much, baby.

I love you.

I hate them.

Well, Shawn, the Nobles and I

were talking about
grabbing dinner together.

Great, you should
all enjoy yourselves.

All of us, together.

Mmmm, no thanks.

- We'd love to.
- Sounds good.

- Yeah.
- Excellent.

All right.

All right, let's get those sticky buns

into a mud bath, baby, come on.


- Come on, let's go.
- Would you stop it?

We'll see you guys.

What's your damage, Spencer?

What is my damage?

I'm gone five minutes and
all of a sudden we're swingers?

What is this, The Ice Storm?
Who are those people?

They're just people.

That's the worst kind!

We don't know them, something's off.

Plus, we don't know them.

And we'll have to talk to them.

It's called being an adult, Shawn.

You should try it sometime.

I'm wearing a man's robe.

What did I tell you?

Biddies by the bushel.


I'm about to put in some work!

I'll tell ya,
if I weren't in a serious

and meaningful relationship
I'd be doing all sorts of damage

up in this hizzy.

Am I saying that right?


What are you guys saying?

Lassie, you only think you
got game 'cause you got a lady.

No, no, no, no, I got
a lady because I got game!

Please, you wouldn't
be able to get any KOF play

inside this room.

I can get more play than you, playa!

I mean, don't get me wrong, Gus,

you have a certain
sort of charm about you,

but I'm a classic.

I never go out of style,
I'm like pleated pants.


Care to make this interesting?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on?

I can't hear squat.

We're talking about
a little gentlemen's wager

over who can strike first
with the ladies.

I want in.

I don't think so.

What? Hey, listen,
I'm as young on the inside

as these kids are on the outside.

Yeah, but when you were
that young on the outside,

this was all farm land.


Hey, you wanna put it to the test?

How about this?

First one to pull some digits
off one of these hotties wins.

Losers bring barbecue
to my house on Sunday.

Oh, it is so on.

Yeah, it is!

Safety is off.

Let's go.

Try this little slice of heaven.


- It's key, it's key.
- Mm.

- It's key lime?
- Yup.

Well, don't they make
a lovely couple, Jules?

What, two men can't share dessert?

And then go dancing...
like gentlemen?

Hey, if the rhythm is right,
let the music take you away,

my friend.


I was wrong, these two are awesome.

So how'd you two meet?

Oh, my God, this is the best story.

All right, so I used to eat
at this funky little sports bar

where the napkins were made of,

you know,
real sweaty sports jerseys...

From De Palma vineyards,
a light aroma of pear and citrus

with a delicate hint of gouda.

Yeah, well, soon you'll
be seeing my face

on every box of that Jesus juice.

Seen the commercial of my latest
line of classy box wines?

We got "Houston Ray red,
Houston Ray white,"

and the Houston Ray rose
is clean out of sight."

There's a guy who found a look
and ran with it.


Nice watch.

Omega Speedmaster special edition.

Astronauts wore those on the moon.

About $100,000 retail.

I keep my expensive watches
in the hotel safe.

I'm never on time
but I feel so much more secure.

And we were married three weeks later.

- What?
- Yeah.

You guys got married
after three weeks?

Hey, when you know, you know.

We have a very simple
life philosophy.

We trust our instincts.

If we feel like it, we do it.

And then we usually have to
call the fire department.

Baby, you look ravishing this evening.

- Baby...
- Hm?

All your facial parts,
they're in the right spots.

Thanks, Shawn.


What do you say,
tennis in the morning?

Well, now you're talking.

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Let's say 10:00 A.M.

Get a little breakfast first.

You know, civilized.

Oh...oh, baby.

Mmm...What's happening?

Oh, no, what's wrong?

Um, she gets migraines, horrible.

- Ooh.
- Horrible migraines, yeah.

The room starts spinning,
down is up, up is down.

- Left is always left, though.
- Left is left.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

It's odd.

You know what?
Let us pick this up, okay?

- Oh, no, no, no, we couldn't.
- Oh.

No, no, it's fine.

You guys can get us back
tomorrow morning at breakfast.

They've got sweet rolls
as big as your face.

We'll share one.

'Cause we like to
share things, Clive and I.

Yeah, yeah.

Take her out to
the veranda for a drink.

You'll thank me.

Okay, come on, doll, let's go.

- Okay.
- You ready?

Oh, we are just
party poopers, I'm sorry.

- Easy.
- Ow! Oh, my God.

- Easy, easy.
- Feel better.

I hope she's okay.

And now...

shall we away to the...

veranda, m'lady?

My girlfriend's in prison.


Mind if I freshen that up for you?

Sure, baby.

- Thanks.
- No problem.

That's $12.

Hey, can you call my cell phone

and see if it's working?


I mean, you know,
when you're done with your call!

That's cool, I can wait!

Wait, don't you need my number?

Hey, does anybody have a phone
they can call my...

phone with?

Any luck?

I'm still shopping,
I'm not gonna just give it away.

Yeah, I hear that!


It's legit!

I don't believe it.

Her name is Chelsea.

Now for that barbecue.

I like beef ribs,
but they don't like me.

Corn on the cob
gets into my dental work,

so creamed corn
is an acceptably substitute.

And bring something green.

I need the fiber.

The veranda is so romantic.

I wish someone
had told me a long time ago

that being an adult means hanging out

with awesome people

and making fun of other people.

Barbie and Clive
were such a nice addition

to our vacation.

- I'm so glad we did this.
- Me too.

- I'm very fond of you.
- Me too you.


- Awfully dark in here.
- Yeah.

We were robbed.

Stop saying the resort
is sorry for our loss.

The resort is a building.

And unless it is monster house,

or the overlook hotel,
I am not impressed,

neither is my lady friend.

As I've told you repeatedly,
we will contact you

if your items turn up.

Stop saying
"if they turn up."

Norm! Please read me the list
I gave you last night.

I wanna make sure you have it all.

Uh, one pound cake, partially eaten.


One inflatable shamu pool floatie.

That's right.

One Capital One credit card
belonging to a Burton Guster.

Which I have for some bizarre reason.


One Nintendo DS.

Why would you bring a video
game on an adult's vacation?

Because it's awesome.

And I'm in love with it.

And now several hours have passed

and it could be anywhere in the world.

Have you contacted Interpol?

Sir, we, the staff,
not the building, apologize.

Unfortunately there were
several thefts last night,

and we're slightly overwhelmed.

- Several.
- Hmm.

Where are the local authorities?

It's a small department
with limited resources.

Um, feel free to
take your bathrobes with you

as our gift.

A $200 value.

Dude, like we weren't
gonna take those anyway!


I don't understand
why you're so upset.

Because I was really
connected to that DS, Jules,

and I get emotional on vacation.

And now, to top it all off,

we're gonna be late for tennis
with Barbie and Clive.

They'll understand, we were robbed.


Let us pick this up, okay?

You guys can get us back
tomorrow morning at breakfast.

I've gotta call them.

I've gotta warn them!

About the lax security here!

Hold on to
your pound cakes, everybody!

It's a free-for-all in here!


Hello? Who is calling?

Clive's doing a bit.

He's so funny.

Uh, jawohl!

Uh, unst schnitzel, das boot,

uh, Burgermeister Hasselhoffer?

Ich verlange
zu wissen, wer anruft!

We haven't found your things yet.

I need Clive Noble's room, please.

There's no one by that name
registered at the resort.

Tennis is off.

All right, beef ribs.


Beef ribs.


More beef ribs?
Are you kidding?

Neither of you thought
to bring a vegetable?

This is a man's weekend.

Not a Ladies Rotary Club luncheon.

You know?

This is Capital One fraud alert.

There's some suspicious activity
on your card in the Ojai area.


Damn it, Shawn.

So Spencer, did you call

that little senorita
you met last night?

Are you kidding?
She's a couple of decades

south of my comfort zone.

I just did it to prove a point
that I'm still vibrant and alive

and I can still reel them in.

Henry Spencer, master caster.



I waited all morning
for you to call me

but I got bored.


- Hey!
- Hey!

Hey! I'm so glad
I'm in a relationship.



Yeah, this is gonna be awesome.


- Shawn, calm down.
- How about you calm down, huh?

How about you calm down?

You know what
the worst part is, Jules?

They just pretended to like us

so that they could rob us blind.

She had you eating
out of the palm of her hand

with that little phony proposal story.

What about you and Clive?

You were feeding each other cake.

Okay, so I admit I was
seduced by delicious flavor.

I am just a man, Jules!

I forbid you to investigate,
we are on vacation.

Just let the local authorities
do what they do.

Which is what, exactly, Jules?
They wear Bermuda shorts.

Oh, my God.

That's my Nintendo!


Give me that!



sorry, little man.

Enjoy your stay.

Hey, don't run.

There's no...
Didn't you read the signs?

You're acting like a child, Shawn.

I am not acting!

Well, it is about time.

Shawn, this is the fourth
vacation you've paid for

on my credit card.

How are my plants?

It's bad enough you used
my company card

to pay for your suite.

But now you're traipsing around
doing wine tastings?

It wasn't us, okay?

- Our room got robbed.
- Somebody took my credit card?

Where are the charges from?

Sutton House winery
in Deep Valley vineyards.

I don't believe this,
they took a wine tour?


We know the people who stole it, okay?

And I...I also still
need to talk to you

about what is essentially
a life or death situation.

But since you took a year
to call me back, guess what.

- I have to go now.
- Do not hang up on...


- Mm.
- I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to fly
off the handle like that.

You're right.

I think hotel security can handle this

and we can always buy new stuff.

But you know what is irreplaceable?

A lover's retreat.


What do you say
we do something romantic?

Ooh, balloon tour?

God, no.

How about we go wine tasting?



These are the best ribs
I have ever eaten.

Oh, my God, I'm a mess.

Ma'am, cancel the card immediately.

- Thank you.
- Mm.

Is that her second slab?

I have never seen a woman
eat ribs like that in my life.

- Mmm.
- Except in caveman drawings.

- Look, Chels, here's the thing.
- Mmm.

I think you're an amazing girl.

Yeah, you do.

But don't you think
I'm a little old for you?

No, I like older men.

Especially the balding, virile type.

You know.

Terry Bradshaw, Sean Connery...
ooh, Dick Cheney.

- Okey doke.
- Wow, okay.

Um, Chelsea,

it was a pleasure meeting you.

But I need to head to Ojai

to kill my best friend in the world.


And I need to help him bury the body.

Ooh, babe, can you
get me another puller?

Uh, yeah...
guys, two things.

First, what's a puller?

Second, please don't leave.

Oh, you know,
as much as I hate to leave

the uncomfortable Henry show,

I'm Guster's ride.

You kids have fun now.

Oh, wow, looks like

the party's over a little early, huh?


Look, why don't I pack you up
some, uh, potato salad to go?

Don't be silly, muffin.

We're goin' roller bladin', yo!


Who the hell goes rollerblading

with seven pounds of ribs in 'em?

Chelsea do, that's who!


What's wrong with you?

For over a century,

my family name has been synonymous

with this region.

De Palma.

It's about quality...

and tradition.

We've never changed and we never will.

I can't wait till my son
Giancarlo carries on

the De Palma name
with the same pride that I do.


Look, I was robbed, okay?

And I'm dealing with
a lot of crap right now.

Do you get that?

If you were in my shoes
right now, you would...

Oh, hey, man.

Sorry, I didn't mean
to interrupt your call.

Oh, please, if only that was
the worst thing

that happened to me this weekend.

Oh, well, what do you mean by that?

Uh, let me see, I was robbed.

Some punk couple
fakes an accident on Route 33,

and when I'm dumb enough
to check on them,

'cause I'm a good Samaritan,
what do they do?

They rob me.

- What did they look like?
- Of course like models.

They took my car keys,
eye glasses, phone...

pretty much everything
but my sunglasses.

I had to walk five miles.

First it was cloudy,
then it was blazing hot.

That explains your face.

Is it obvious?

- Looks like spam.
- Oh, great, yeah.

Check it out, man.

I think we got robbed
by the same couple.


You see, I'm a psychic man.

And my senses led me
to that punk couple

in this very spot.

I knew you were investigating.
Sean, this is our vacation.

I don't get to do this very often.

"Houston Ray white
and Houston Ray rose

is clean outta sight."


We have a problem.

Vacation's over.

Excuse me.


What are you guys doing here?

Well, I thought you could
use some help

from a detective
not dressed as a cub scout.

I came to get my credit card back.

I'm having some lady troubles.

- It's a long story.
- Excuse me.

- Gus!
- Boom.

A paper trail of deceit.

Look, I was a victim here too, man.

Shawn, you robbed me.

As far as I'm concerned,

you're no different than the thieves

who robbed you of the thing you robbed.


Well, that hurts, Gus.

You know why?

Because when I realized
your card was gone

I was sick to my stomach.

Yet you still managed to order

pay-per-view and surf n' turf
for two to the room.

Yes, to mask the pain
that was running deep.

And every bite of delicious
lobster was a buttery reminder

of your face.

The local cops found
a spent round on the floor.

It's a .38 special.

Oh, now that is a classic.

Go-to munitions
for cops and soldiers

since w-w-one.

Typically used in revolvers,
but no stranger to semi-auto.

I'm sensing Houston was killed
with his own gun.

And do you sense who
might have done it?

Nice watch.

Omega Speedmaster special.

About 100k retail.

Clive and Barbie.

Who the hell are Clive and Barbie?

Clive and Barbie are
cold-blooded murderers,

who lie and make tennis dates

they have no intention of keeping.


They have my Nintendo.

All right, well,
O'Hara and I will stay here

and help the Barney Fife brigade

comb this place for clues,

you guys all head back
to the hotel...why the face?

Uh, well, Shawn and I were
hoping to work on this one...



Well, it's our romantic weekend away.

We'll take any alone time we can get.


You two stay here
and do whatever police work

you feel enhances
your sense of romance.

The rest of us
will head back to the hotel.

- Happy?
- Elated.

I'm so glad.

- All right.
- All right.

So what's our next move?


I have an idea.

I wouldn't do that, Clive.

- Guys!
- Oh!


Barbie and I were just saying
that we should hang out again.

Maybe go for a hike?

Hi, Jules.

Oh, my God, I love those shoes.


Hot air balloons.

How many ways can we think of
to kill ourselves?

Man, you gave Chelsea the slip
in a big way, that was cold.

I didn't give anybody the slip.

- Yes, you did.
- I did not.

I followed up with Chelsea.

I apologized for leaving so abruptly

and simply informed her
that I was coming up here

to spend some time with my son.

You see, my generation embraced
the long forgotten value

called respect.

I just hope she got the text.

You never, ever tell
a crazy woman where you are.

- She's not crazy.
- Yes, she is.

No, she's needy,
and I respect the difference.

- That chick is bonkers!
- Told you.



I know you, right?

- I'm Gus.
- Right.

- So where's daddy?
- I don't know.

I haven't seen him in a while.


Hey, pop-pop.

Man, there are some cuties up in here.

Look at that.

So how'd you find us?

- I'm a psychic.
- Right.

And I actually paid for dinner.

Seriously, how'd you find us?

We saw that the credit card
was declined a half mile away

and we put it together.

So y'all are cops?

- That is sexy.
- Huh.

Normally civil servants
can't afford the places we hit.

Okay, enough!

It's confession time,
where's my Nintendo?


Dude, I think we pitched that.

Oh, God.

- Oh, now I feel bad.
- Oh, baby.

You guys lied to us!

You made us believe that you
really liked us as people!

- And they killed someone.
- Come again?

Well, that's true also,
but it's the lying.

It's the lying that's really hurtful.

Well, of all the people we've robbed,

we like you guys the best.

It's true, she went on and on about it

the whole time we were
rifling through your stuff.

- But we didn't kill anyone.
- No.

Sure you didn't.

Why are you wearing
a dead man's watch?

Look, we broke into his room,
we took his watch

and a briefcase
full of legal documents.

- But that's it.
- That's right.

We are dirty thieves,

but we are basically nice people.

And we are totally
against animal cruelty.

And illegal downloading.

Piracy makes me sick.

Wait a minute.

That's not the gun
that killed Houston Ray.

That's a fake, it's a prop.

We stole it from a movie
we were working on.

- Yeah.
- You guys worked on a movie?

- Yeah.
- As extras.

The Wild Stallion.

The Wild Stallion with Connie Selleca?

Oh, she is a total pro, no attitude.

She is all about the work.

You guys are horrible people,

but you're so cool!

Shawn, you gotta believe me.

Do you really think
we'd kill a guy for his watch?

And keep robbing highways
just a few miles away?

Come on, sir.

What was the time of death
on Houston Ray?

Stand up.

Uh, local coroner said 1:00 PM, why?

Hands behind your back.

Okay, uh, where's the last
place you tried to use the card?

- Come on.
- Uh, Target.

But it was declined.
Oh, so embarrassing.

We're the real victims here!

I love you, baby.

So who killed the Texan?

Our house red
is from De Palma vineyards...

Soon you'll see my face on
every box of that Jesus juice.

De Palma, it's about tradition.

We've never changed and we never will.

We have to go wine tasting again.

You told the police
you had never seen the guy

found dead here today.

Well, lots of people visit my winery,

I mean, he's not the first
person to die during a tasting.

It's often that people
are shot in the gut

and dumped in a barrel?

- No, that was new.
- Heh.

Tell you what I think,
I think you knew the Texan.

Vineyard is struggling,

he comes in here,
wants to buy you out.

But you would rather liquidate
than turn your family business

over to a wine box mogul.

So he wouldn't take no for an answer,

you liquidated him.

You couldn't
have been more wrong.

Damn it.

Look, I'll break it down.

I hate the wine business.

I hate Ojai and I hate my family.


Even your son Giancarlo?

I don't have a son and if I did

I'd hate him too.

That's just a spiel
that I give in the winery

during the tours.

It's all malarkey.

My name is not even De Palma.

It's Goldberg.

Gunner Goldberg.

I mean, would you buy wine
from a Goldberg vineyards?

Maybe Spritzer.

That Texan was my ticket out.

He could have put a picture
of his ass on the box

for all I care.

That I'd buy.


I was so desperate to unload
I almost accepted

a low ball offer
from this other schmuck.

But the guy, I mean,
he's leveraged to the hilt.

Money from all sorts
of illegal sources and...

And who is that?

A real sad sack.

Listen to me, I am dealing
with a lot of crap right now.

A lot of crap.

Sad sack.

- Was his name Jerry?
- Yeah.

All right, this is
Jerry Kincaid's room.


Looks like nobody's home.

All right, guys, look,
we gotta keep moving.

Chelsea could be anywhere.

This room is sweet!

It has its own steam room.

You can go.

You could have just asked me
to open the door, you know.

Instead of pulling your gun on me.

Sorry, it's force of habit.


That's fair.


Drop the gun, detective.

Or I swear I will shoot
everybody in their stupid faces!

Worst gentleman's weekend ever.


It's not like Lassiter
to not answer his phone.

This is all you.


Jerry wanted to buy the winery
but Houston swooped in,

he's taking the deal away.

Jerry just doesn't seem like
the killer type.

Well, as we've learned
this weekend, Jules,

people are not always
what they seem to be.

Except on reality TV.

We're are the real housewives
of somewhere.

- What is it you...
- Jerry confronts Houston.

The Texan laughs, all Texan like.

And Jerry loses his schlitz.

That's a thing, right?

Pretty sure that's a malt liquor.

So, clearly there was a struggle.

Jerry ends up with the Texan's gun.

Now calm down, friend.

Without thinking...
Boom! He shoots him.

Or maybe he was thinking,
at this point

it's immaterial.

Shawn, the steam room.

Jules, come on,
we have a situation here.

It's not the time to steam it out.

Shawn, the steam room!

Wow, you are a randy little lass.

- Unh!
- Aarrggh!

- Oooh!
- Unh!

What are you guys doing in there?

Jerry trapped us!

Well, how did he do that?

Why doesn't our room
have a steam room?

Jules, I got the best
available room that they had.

With my credit card!

Come on, Jerry got
a head start, let's go!

Henry! Henry!

- Henry?
- Aah!

Squinty guy, sunburn, real sad sack?

Oh, yeah, I saw the guy
you're talking about.

He left about ten minutes ago

in a silver sedan.

How are we supposed to catch him now?

I'll catch him.

Carlton, there are five
different ways out of here

you'll just be guessing.

- Whoa, whoa!
- Go, go!

Maybe not, follow me
to the activities desk.

That chick is a freak!


Would you settle?

I think after this weekend

I can go without
seeing you guys for a while.

- Agreed!
- Agreed!

All right, let's get this guy.


Yeah, Spencer!

Lassie, I can see you!

We're in the sky!

We commandeered a balloon
from the tour desk!

Okay, let's do this!
What do you got?


I don't really know the names
per se...

but it looks like
he's crossing over a bridge!

Cheese, anyone?

Not now, Felipe!

Where...would you get your
elbow out of my face?

Well, he's passing a
big, red, wooden building!

That's settler's homestead,
home of the first silk factory

in Central California in 1887.


- Ooh, apples.
- It's settler's homestead!

Who...what the hell is that?

It's the first silk factory,
it was built in 1887!

Eighteen eighty what?

87, 87!

Well, how is that supposed to help me?

- Will you move over?
- You move over!

Oh, yeah, Lassie, I see you again!

You're right behind him!

His route goes the long way,
you can cut him off!

Uh, take the upper road,

and floor it!

Wait, okay, left?

Just turn! Turn!

All right, left!

Right here, all right, all right!



- Slice, slice!
- Slice what?

What do you want me to slice?

Not you!
I'll take a slice of cheese.

Oh, here.

- Uh, the orange kind.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.


What the hell are you saying?

I'm so sorry,
my mouth is full of cheese!

It's much hotter
than I was anticipating.

It's jalapeno cheddar.

Spencer, get your head in the game,

I'm gonna kill you!

He's coming right at you!

There he is!
I got you now!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- No, no, Lassiter!

Lassiter, Lassiter!

No, no, no, no!



Get out of the vehicle!

You drop that weapon
or I will drop you!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You got it wrong, you got it wrong.

This is all a big misunderstanding.

Come on.

Turn around, face your vehicle.

Get down on your knees,
cross your ankles,

put your hands behind your head.

What, you think I'm a gymnast?

That's crazy, I'm not that flexible.

- What are you talking about?
- Just do it.


Surprisingly good work, Spencer.

- We got him.
- Yeah, you see?

Jerry was leveraged to the hilt

with some pretty tough customers.

When the Texan swooped in
to buy the vineyard,

Jerry found himself
on the hook to investors

for a deal he couldn't make.

I will shoot you!

Faced with a choice...

Hello? Hello?


- Aah.
- Should we head back now?

No, Felipe, I do believe
we'd like to take

the long way home.

Our adult vacation.

Do you wanna see how long
it takes for this grape

to hit the ground?

Oh, I do, I really do.

Hercules! I hit a house!

- Try the apple slices.
- Yup.

- Please stop throwing things.
- Oh, sorry, Felipe.

Sorry, Felipe.

Party pooper.

- Feli-poop.
- Mm-hmm.

- We're really up here.
- Yeah, we are.

I'm gonna kiss you on the mouth.


Heh, nice vacation, huh?

It wasn't a disaster.

Got a hot air balloon ride.

Didn't count on the dead Texan
in the wine barrel,

but my fish the first night
was delicious.

I let you down, didn't I?

- No, you didn't.
- Oh, I did a little.

When I look at Clive and Barbie,
they're such a great couple.

Shawn, they're criminals.

Yeah, but they're devoted.

And we're not?

No, we...
no, we are, we are.

I just...

Look, Jules, I know you have
these definite expectations,


And that in a perfect world
I'd be a little less like me,

you know?

A little more mature,
and open to things like

dancing and trips to Ikea.

And I can do that, you know?

And I'm not just saying that
because I think I have to.

I want to.

For you.

And for us as tag team champions.


I know that you're
looking for commitment.


And the "m" word.

And some such...

You didn't think that when
I said "definite expectations"

that I meant...


No, no, no, no, of course not.

That would mean I'm a complete moron.

No, I didn't...
I didn't think that.

Because I just wanted
to make sure that we were

headed down the right path and we are.

I mean, just coming here,
this more than meets

my current expectations.

I'm not ready to get married.

- Are you?
- Oh, God, no.

No, no, no.

I mean, it's on my bucket list.

But other than that,
uh, hells no.

Thank you for being
so much smarter than me.


Well, I hope you look that good

when I'm 140.

You know I will.

I'm sorry, sir.

I'm gonna have to dispute
the room charges.

I mean, who orders pistachio ice cream

at 1:00 A.M.?

We found this in one of
the dumpsters out back

of the resort.

I believe this is one of the items

stolen from
Mr. Spencer's room.

You know, I've never seen
a grown man so upset

over the theft of a toy

that wasn't his child's.

We take our handheld
entertainment very seriously.

Well, that's your business.