Psych (2006–2014): Season 6, Episode 10 - Indiana Shawn and the Temple of the Kinda Crappy, Rusty Old Dagger - full transcript

You want to explain this?

Um...

Yes, I would like to very much.

But we are so late, Gus.

And these coffee cups are not
gonna put themselves away.

You take a trip
with the intention of proposing

and don't tell me, your
oldest and blackest friend?

I called you eight times on that trip.

I'm not letting you off
on a technicality, Shawn.

Look...

It's my emergency ring.



That is the dumbest thing
I ever heard.

What, are you kidding me?

What if the perfect proposal
moment presents itself?

I gotta be ready.

I mean, what if our faces

suddenly pop up on the Jumbotron

or I get selected from the audience

to feed Shamu at Sea World?

I gotta be ready for that.

You're actually ready to be married?

No.
Well, someday maybe.

Not anytime soon.

Look, that is--it's
my grandmother's ring, okay?

I can barely look at it.



Now can we please go?

We were supposed to be
at the museum an hour ago.

That shipment's gonna
get there before we do.

Fine.

Thank you.

I'm putting this thing away.

Just know if I ever do
pop the question,

I want you on one side,
Jules on the other

just as a killer whale
leaps over our heads

to grab a mackerel.

That's storybook right there.

Shawn, this is so embarrassing.

I wouldn't be stuck if it
wasn't for your stupid watch.

What the hell is going on here?

Nothing!
Small, little problem.

Don't be concerned.

He thought he saw a candy bar inside.

There is a Renoir, a Degas,

a Van Gogh,

and an irreplaceable collection

of historical artifacts
in this shipment.

Why would there be a Hershey
bar in the same container?

I know international shipping
is quite expensive these days.

In his defense, he thought it was

that cool, European candy
that tastes like salt.

Ahh!

Oh.

Ooh.

What are you doing here anyway?

We're always here whenever
a valuable shipment comes in.

- To sense trouble.
- And collect a check.

But mostly sense trouble.

See, I am a psychic,

and we are very valuable
to this museum complex.

We discovered the dinosaur

over at the Natural History Museum.

Do you know who I am?

I know you're not the dude
that discovered

a Tyrannosaurus Rex
at the Natural History Museum.

That's us.

I am Christopher Holm.

Chris Holm?
Chrissy Holm?

No?
You have any nicknames?

I'm the curator of this museum.

And I did not sign off on you or you.

Well, you need
to check your facts, Jack,

because we are museum heroes.

So you're kind of stuck with us.

Don't check him though.

They got your name wrong
on the plaque.

Oh, twice!

The first time,
they called me Bruton Gaster.

And then they switched it to
Brutal Hustler on the new one.

- He likes it.
- Well, I don't mind it.

He doesn't want 'em to change it.

- You can call me Brutal.
- Right.

Right.

Well, as of now,

you are reassigned.

- Okay.
- Et tu, Brute.

Tal.

Bru-tal.

Get out of here!

Really?
We're guarding a wall?

It's probably a pretty important wall.

Man, this never would have happened

if you had reached for that candy.

How is that any different?

'Cause my arms
are way bigger than yours.

Please.

You know what, leave me alone.

Hey, look at that.

Get away from me.

I should probably help her.

Help her do what, run away?

I'll remind you,
I've had 11 kung fu lessons.

You took four, missed six,

and slept through the last one.

I was meditating!

You know what, I don't need this.

Hey!

You get your damn hands off her!

Really, you're gonna threaten them

by quoting Back to the Future?

Hey!

Wah!

You okay?

Oh, my God, thank you so much.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I have a girlfriend.

What?

I know what I just did
was incredibly cool,

but I need to get that out of the way

because I'm sensing that you
were having romantic feelings.

No, actually I'm just
concerned about my wallet.

Right, right.

Your wallet and then the passion,

the burning passion.

Just negate those feelings,
because I'm off the market.

That was pretty amazing.

I mean, who does that anymore, right?

I mean, they coulda killed me,

and you just took
your life in your hands.

I know, I know,
it's almost as if I attended

all of my martial arts classes.

And then some.

Yeah, and you would never suspect

that one day
I might have fallen asleep

and the instructor used my knees

to balance the boards that
they were chopping in half.

No, no.

I think what this woman
is trying to say here, Gus,

is that you can suck it.

- No, I'm not saying that.
- I'm paraphrasing.

Do you even know
what "paraphrase" means?

It means,
"Suck it please, Gus."

It doesn't mean
"Suck it please, Gus."

Okay, well, you were both very brave.

Miss, please, stay out of this.

Otherwise, he'll never learn.

Besides, he was lobbying
for leaving you here to die.

- Uh-oh.
- Oh, my God.

Um...

Uh, excuse us while our lives end.

Thank you.

I guess that was
a pretty important wall.

# I know you know that
I'm not telling the truth #

# I know you know they
just don't have any proof #

# Embrace the deception #

# learn how to bend #

# your worst inhibitions #

# tend to psych you out in the end #

I want him jailed.

Mr. Holm, as much
as that idea pleases me,

you can't actually put someone
in jail for being stupid.

Or for being a good Samaritan.

Or stupid!

It does bear repeating.

Excuse me.

We did save a woman--
a fine woman at that.

You didn't mention
that she was attractive.

I don't remember what she looked like.

Yes, you do.

Oh, this is preposterous.
A psychic indeed!

You are not what you claim to be.

And I hold you responsible.

I hold you all responsible!

You can no more do that then I
can suppress my heroic instincts

or Gus can control his bladder
during intercourse.

What?

- That's disgusting.
- It's not true.

It's conjecture.

Look, guys,
we still have a chance here.

It's only been
a short time, assumingly.

And I can tell you
exactly where that crate is,

right down to
the geographical coordinates.

This is fruitless, Shawn.

You made a guarantee based
on me being able to do

a reverse GPS search
on an $80 hiking watch.

It needs to have
the distress signal on to work.

I agree.

We need a professional
at this sort of thing.

Exactly, which
is why we need to forget

this psychic thing for once

and give the information to the cops.

Believe me, I would,
but the cops don't even have

the kind of firepower we need.

Dude, if you suggest
Batman one more time,

I will pull out your eardrums.

I'm talking about a pro, Gus.

A pro's pro.

I've already called him

and downloaded him on the situation.

Really?
And who might that be?

Somebody call for an art thief?

Hello, Barton.

Can you just give us
an approximate value

of the collection?

Are you serious?

Could you put a value
on your own father?

387,000.

We just need to know
what we're up against.

Let me show you what
we were going to exhibit

in the foyer.

These are just some
of the pieces of art

from the few artifacts
of Harrison Yerden.

You do know who he was, don't you?

Yes.

He's the rich guy
who built the airplanes.

One of the richest men
in the world by the age of 32.

He spent the rest of his life
trying to spend his money.

He collected art with the passion

of a Renaissance prince.

He financed expeditions

to the most remote corners
of the earth

in search of the rarest artifacts.

I get it.

He's Howard Hughes and Indiana Jones.

The terms of his will stipulate

that on the 50th anniversary
of his death,

which was last Thursday,

his entire collection should
be removed from the Louvre

and brought to the
Santa Barbara Museum of Art.

Where it stayed for exactly one hour

until your boyfriend lost it.

We're very sorry for your loss.

We will find it.

There's always a way.

We have our best people working on it.

That's what troubles me.

You do realize I am finished,
don't you?

I will be known as the man
who lost the Yerden masters.

You can't do this.
You're on trial.

I'm out on bail.

In fact, you're on trial right now

for doing this same exact thing.

Oh, my gosh, you did this.

Oh, please, Braxton,
this was brash, violent.

Committed by a team.

Everyone knows I work alone.

It was so...inelegant.

I was in court while it happened.

Check on that.

I did, man. There are
pictures and everything.

Gentlemen, I'm here to help.

My trial ends in a few days,

and my acquittal has
been evident since day two.

Frankly, I was shocked
they haven't called

the whole thing off yet.

And besides, I owe you

for breaking me out of prison.

We didn't know we were doing that.

We were patsies.
Shawn.

And I've always had
a fondness for Shawn.

Why don't you show me the program

you're using to locate
this GPS signal?

Ooh, his is much bigger.

This is going to take me a few hours.

That's perfect, 'cause
I'm gonna need some time too

if we're going after this treasure.

And this is the kinda thing
that could get Gus killed.

You look ridiculous.

You're just jealous

'cause there's no black dudes
in Raiders.

Wrong, Katanga.
He drove theBantu Wind.

- That was beneath you.
- You're right.

Where did you get that thing?

Don't ask.

Shawn, whenever we deal
with Despereaux,

it always ends badly.

Your glass
is always half-empty.

Whoo, serious players we have here.

Now, how do you suppose
we get up onto that roof?

Really?

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.

Despereaux, you are a genius.

I know.
It's hard being me sometimes.

Excuse me, it's my watch.

Why do you need a watch
with a distress signal?

- For hiking, Shawn.
- You don't hike.

- I plan to hike.
- Players don't hike.

Man, you don't know what players do.

What do they do?

Players hike deep into the woods,

they get lost,
they develop hypothermia,

and that's why they need GPS.

Wait a second, they're
leaving all the paintings?

Why are they abandoning
the expensive stuff?

We need a closer look.

- Are you crazy?
- Shh, shh.

Okay, I'm confused.
What was that thing?

It was a Civil War era dagger.

Only about 500 of them were made.

Really?
What's it worth?

Oh, about $9,000 maybe.

Do they know that?

Yes, they do.

Wait a minute,
that's the woman we rescued

behind the museum.

Good Samaritan, my ass.

- We got played, Shawn.
- No, you got played.

I had my suspicions all along.

That's Jacqueline Medeiros...

As high-end thief
as they come.

And she's strictly business.

Question is:
Why is she doing this?

A woman like that doesn't
mess with a Van Gogh.

Unless...

Unless she's going after
the core collection.

Of course.

What is the core collection?

Nobody knows.
It's a legend really.

Story goes that Yerden
kept his most secret

and valuable items
hidden in a core collection.

Went to the grave before
he managed to tell anybody

what or where it was.

A dagger was said
to protect the collection.

I think you mean dragon.

No, I mean dagger.

Okay, let's take this
information back to the police

so we can be heroes again.

Hold that thought one moment.

Where's he going?

Shawn was so desperate
at the museum today.

I've never seen him so down.

Yeah, he was really affected.

Hey, tell me again what it looked like

when that curator was berating him.

Do you think he was
holding back tears?

Because that's how I remember it.

- Carlton.
- Come on, O'Hara,

allow me this one thing.
I don't ask for much.

I just don't want this to ruin him.

Do you seriously think
that's a possibility?

Because that would be awesome.

I know Shawn,
and he is not well equipped

to deal with failure.

I haven't heard from him all day.

He's probably sulking on the couch.

Oh, come on, O'Hara,
don't beat yourself up.

I'm sure he's out
screwing something else up.

No.
No, Shawn.

You will not return
messages right now.

- Can I at least send a text?
- No!

Look, man, I've gotten
a lot of messages

since we started this thing, Gus.

You're just jealous 'cause
you haven't gotten any calls.

Please, I have my work phone.

The mailbox on
my player phone is full.

If I had my player phone,

my celly would be
blowing up right now.

You don't have a player phone.

I have a--

I have three player phones,

one for each
part-time shorty.

Part--what are you
talking about?

Man, you don't know.

- No.
- Yes.

- No.
- Yes.

- No.
- Yes.

We are leaving.
We are leaving right now.

We just got here.
Shh.

- He's not answering.
- He's not?

You know what, I'll just
give him some downtime.

Yeah, that's probably a good idea.

- Got it.
- Got it?

No, no got it.

Put back.
Put back now.

How did you even do--

- Guys.
- Hmm?

- We should probably go.
- Go!

We're trapped.

Uh...

No, we're not.

It's too far to jump.

I've got this.

What?

What are you doing, Shawn?
What?

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Hang on, Gus.

Ohh!

Let go.

No, you let go.

Shawn, let go.

What the hell was that?

One at a time.
Now toss me the whip.

I think I dropped it!

All right, just meet me at
the speedboat at the dock, okay?

Okay, one question:
Which boat?

The boat I showed you on the way in.

Weren't you paying attention?

Yeah.

Well, we got a little
excited, but yeah.

Yeah.

That's it.
That's gotta be it.

- No, it's a speedboat.
- It's completely speedy.

Since when do you know
anything about boats?

Fine.
Untie the rope!

Ugh.
Got it!

What's taking you so long?

It's a tiny rope, Shawn.

Do I look like I have
children's hands?

- Where's the button?
- Turn the key!

Ah.

Okay, go, go, go.

We got the wrong boat.

Starboard, starboard.

- Which way's starboard?
- To the right, Shawn.

What are you doing?

Well, why don't you just say right?

- We're seamen right now.
- We're what?

Seamen.
We're seamen.

Stop saying that.
Anyone could be walking by.

Well, we are, we're seamen!

Turn it.

We're going right back
to where we started, Shawn.

Well, you're putting a lot
of pressure on me right now.

I know what to do.
I got it.

I got it.
I know what to do.

I got it.
I got it.

This way, this way.

Starboard, starboard, that way.

It does the opposite of what
I'm telling it to do.

Ooh, labradoodle.

What the hell are you doing?

Engine trouble?

Uh-oh.

We were home when we got the call.

We almost got lost finding this place.

What happened?

I'm so sorry, Shawn.
We got an I.D.

It's Despereaux.

But the good news is the crate

is exactly where you said it would be

in the factory along with
all of the other paintings.

The museum's going to be ecstatic.

Strong rally, Spencer.

Just a few hours, and the guilty party

is already blown to smithereens.

Despereaux didn't do this.

Of course he didn't.
Why would I think he did?

I mean, we found him,
well, parts of him

300 yards from the stolen goods.

I mean, it's circumstantial at best.

Carlton.

Look, the important thing is
that we saved the taxpayers

thousands of dollars,

and I've got a new slot
on my home most wanted wall.

Good-bye, Despereaux.
Hello, Caroline Kapicki.

Murderous housewife from Ojai,

who's also kind of a looker,
so...that's a plus.

Lassiter, please,
pretend you're a person.

Right.

Spencer, I am sorry for your loss.

But Despereaux was criminal trash,

so essentially that means I win.

Despereaux didn't do it, Jules.

You're looking for
a dark-haired woman

named Jacqueline.

Wow, that's so specific.

I'll look into it.

Mr. Despereaux's belongings

will therefore be distributed
in the following manner.

I'm sorry, you're here
for a will reading?

Shouldn't this be at your office

or in a room full
of family and friends?

Sadly, Mr. Despereaux
did not have the benefit

of close family and friends.

Mr. Spencer,
if I may speak candidly,

you were really his only friend.

He left you the bulk
of his possessions.

No, no, no, thank you.

Those are instruments of crime

and probably all stolen.

- I'll take this though.
- You can't have it.

- What are you, my boss?
- I'm your conscience.

- Tony Cox is my conscience!
- What?

There's the matter of
Mr. Despereaux's cash accounts,

all of which were willed to Psych.

He was an amazing man.

I keep this then.

That's packing material.

You have your value system,
and I have mine.

Most importantly, there's the matter

of the eulogy.

This would seem to indicate to me

that you, Mr. Spencer,

are the one most suited for it.

Of course, of course.

Now when do we get our money?

Well, most of
Mr. Despereaux's accounts

were frozen when the trial began.

Can't do it, Gus.

You can get your money
any way you want it, Shawn.

Except for nickels.
I will not allow that again.

I can't do the eulogy.

Do not insult the man.
Of course you can.

Of course he can.

It's too real.

It's too soon.

- Can we delay the funeral?
- Are you serious?

It's a matter of...the smell.

Too stinky, Shawn.
Get to writing.

No!

I'm not gonna get up
in front of 10,000 people

and face the reality
of the grim reaper.

10,000?

Depending on which arena we book.

You were the only friend
he had, Shawn.

Male.

Male friend.

Excuse me.

He had plenty of female
relationships, but...

Oh.

It would be a small ceremony.

Okay, well, I will be there,
front row.

I will start the wave if need be.

Well, that figures.

This may be something that you can

just dance in the face of, Gus,

but not me.
Not me!

I will not stand up there

and talk about the tragedy
of Pierre's life.

Tragedy?

He was about
to be acquitted, you fool.

For the first time in his life,

he wasn't gonna be on the run.

Pardon me,
but Mr. Despereaux

was not about to be acquitted.

You shut your drunk mouth.

He told me as much.

We were losing that trial.

I was trying to make a plea,

but the state was reluctant
because we had no grounds.

What?

No, I'm--

Uh, will he be mic'd?

Wait, I need Despereaux's remains.

I can't sell them to you, Shawn.

I'm kind of on probation
for that sort of thing.

I don't want to own them.

Good, because as a hobby,
it is very expensive.

I just need to see 'em.

Okay.

But it's not as fun as it seems.

First thing in the morning?

Yeah, but you know...
it's 9:00 A.M. somewhere.

I'm good.

You know, I'm good too.

Pierre Despereaux.

- What, that's it?
- That's enough.

Cause of death, diabetes.

I kid.
He exploded.

We have teeth, part of a foot,

his wallet, and oddly enough

a handful of Gus' things.

I don't know that it's funny.

Okay, maybe it is.

Woody, Woody, you don't understand.

This isn't Despereaux.

- What?
- He's still alive.

I'm pretty sure that's impossible.

His trial was going poorly.

His money was frozen,

and then we offered to lead him

to a crate of stolen art.

So he faked his death.

He's still alive.

And we don't have to be sad.

Shawn, I have some bad news.

I'm afraid the dental records match.

- No.
- Yes.

We have a partial print, Shawn.

We have everything but the DNA,

and that will be in shortly.

It's him.

Trust me on this one, Woody.

There is always a way.

- Shawn.
- Hey!

Don't rain on it.
I've got a parade going here.

Shawn, I know what's going on.

He's gone.
Deal with it.

He's not gone!
He's too good.

You've been hiding
from the pain of death

ever since you were a kid.

Let it hurt.
It's gonna hurt.

The only thing
that's gonna hurt is your pride

when I prove that Despereaux
is still very much alive.

What if he isn't?

What are you doing?

Adding another joke.

To the eulogy?

People don't like dealing with death.

Okay, Gus?
They want jokes.

They want Jeff Goldblum impressions.

They want...ironic juxtaposition
of Rick Springfield lyrics.

Please don't say any of this, Shawn.

I'm not saying it.
I'm rapping it.

What is wrong with you?

Just yesterday I couldn't
say the world "died"

without you shivering.

Okay, first of all,
don't ever say that.

Secondly, I'll let you in
on a little secret.

Despereaux is alive.

- That is impossible.
- It's perfect.

I watched him blow up.

I don't know how he did it, Gus.

But however he did it,
that's how he does it.

If we learned anything
from F/X and F/X 2,

it's that anything can be faked...

And Bryan Brown cannot carry a movie.

What about
Full-Body Massage?

We both know why we rented that.

Shawn, I don't think
you're staying in reality.

Trust me, Gus.

Why do you think he wanted me
to give the eulogy?

- Because he's coming.
- He's not gonna be here.

He most certainly is.
You wanna know why?

Because that's what I would do.

Ha.

I am giving this speech to him.

Don't you think your take
on this is a little easy?

Easy?

Yes, but life is easy, Gus.

If you really want it to be.

Despereaux is here.

He's in our hearts.

Maybe in these plants.

And maybe behind that tree over there.

Wherever he is,
I just want him to know

that we can all feel his presence,

listening to everything we're saying.

Ah, it's like my dad here always says,

please, help me with my pants,

for I can no longer control my bowels.

I don't say that.

- Come on up here.
- I don't wanna.

Come on, bring me my envelope.

It's gonna clear up
all kinds of mysteries.

Give it up, ladies.

And...that dude
in the third row.

How'd he get the invite?

I didn't know
there was gonna be any--

My dad!

My dad.

He's almost always wrong.

He cried at Benji: The Hunted.

It's because he was being hunted.

He's afraid of raccoons.

Because they're terrifying
and wear little masks.

They are.

The Golden Globe goes to...

Angelina Jolie...

for The Tourist.

Just kidding.
We all know she didn't win.

She should've.

- Nope.
- She was robbed.

This can't--
this can't be right.

He's dead.

He's--

Uh...

I've never--I've never lost
anyone close to me before

in my entire life.

Um...

Jesus, how stupid sad is this?

People die.

It's awful.

And unfair.

And--and, oh, my God,
Gus is gonna die.

I'm not gonna die, Shawn.

You are.
Soon.

Definitely before me
if statistics prove correct.

Which is so wrong, because
I'm practically asking for it.

People are gonna miss me so much.

My dad said this would happen.

I guess I was wrong,
and I should say that now

because God knows your minutes
are severely limited.

Sorry to hear about your friend.

You must have been shocked.

Yeah, yeah, and so unnecessary.

Oh, victim of foul play.

Gee, I wonder who could have done it.

I don't know.

But I bet she kinda liked
the look on his face

as he blew up.

No one crosses me.

I believe you have something of mine.

Did I borrow your socks?

We scoured the bottom
of the lake and the wreckage,

and it was nowhere to be found,

which means it can
only be in one place.

David Lee Roth's beach house.

Give me the dagger.

- I don't have it.
- Really?

It looks a little something like this.

Do you need a closer look?

What is this, you show me
yours, I show you mine?

Maybe.

Hey, Shawn, you back here?

Oh, Shawn, there you are.

Talk to you later.

What's going on?

Oh, crap.

Seriously, Spencer, worst eulogy ever.

It was hilarious,
pathetic at the same time

for all the wrong reasons.

- Who was that?
- Jacqueline Medeiros.

The woman who broke into the museum?

- Yes.
- And she lies.

- Arrest her.
- You have proof of this?

I gotta go.

What the hell happened?

And why does she think
we have the dagger?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe...

Because of this.

You had that in your pants?

I swiped it off Despereaux
at the bucket

before we split off.
You know what that means.

You're not going after
the core collection, are you?

No. We are.

We're gonna make sure
Despereaux didn't die in vain.

Oh, no, we're not.
Give me that.

I'm taking it to the police.

No way.
No way.

That dastardly woman killed
the coolest man on earth

over this treasure,
and I will not let her

get there first, Gus.

There is nothing in the world

that would make me give this back.

I will slug you
in the face cartilage, Shawn.

Here we go.
Back to this.

All right, you know what, do it.

I'm begging you.

I am begging you
to give me your best shot.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Ow!

That hurts like the dickens.

Well.

I will strike you back.

I dare you.
I double dog dare you.

I triple dog dare you.
Ah!

You went from low to high.

You were ready for that.

That's your problem, Gus.

You brought a funeral program
to a knife fight.

Come on.
Come on, baby girl.

You want to bumble with the bee, huh?

Bzzz.

What's this?
What is that?

What is that?

Ah!

Camel clutch.
Take that.

Ask him, ref.
Ask him.

Don't even try it.

Ah, what is happening?

I don't know!
Ahh!

You bit me.
What is wrong with you?

We are going on a treasure hunt!

Oh, no, we're not.

Dude, you broke it.

You broke it...
'Cause you wouldn't let it go.

Wait a minute.

This broke off way too cleanly.

Almost like it was supposed to.

It didn't break.
That piece is a cap.

And this isn't a dagger.

It's a key.

What can you tell us
about the core collection?

- It doesn't exist.
- What if it did?

But it doesn't.

Have you ever seen a key like this?

Yes.
Where did you get this?

- Uh, I drew that.
- Really?

Yes, it's a pressure point key.

It doesn't twist.

It disengages the lock by insertion.

Now that's a sexy idea for a key.

It's designed for a lock
that you cannot see

deep inside something else.

Like in a cake.

No.

More like a secret wall
inside an old safe.

Do you have more of these pictures?

Uh, I'm not clothed in many of these.

The key, by the way,

would be attached
to some sort of post.

Or a dagger?
Hypothetically.

Hypothetically, yes.

So would you say these locks were made

around, um...

- Get there.
- The Civil War?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

No, I would say that was 1920s.

Have you ever seen
a lock like that before?

As a matter of fact, I have, yes.

At Mr. Yerden's estate.

That was built in the 1920s.

Have you ever taken the tour?

No, we have not, but we will now.

Good. Enjoy.

Don't hurry back.

There is a lock buried
in a wall somewhere around here

with an opening that matches
this dagger perfectly.

Will you put that away?

Oh, stop worrying.

Gonna blend.
Nobody's gonna--ah!

Ah--notice us.

No food.

I don't have any food.

I smell it.

Cheetos.

All right, fine.
It's just a snack.

And a bag of fruit punch.
But don't worry, it won't spill.

No food!
Drinks...smoking.

- Flash pictures.
- Heeled shoes.

Hand lotions.
Offensive colognes.

Minnesotans.
Tattoos with wolves.

Exposed liposuction scars.

Lapbands.
Hair extensions, loud noises.

Surprising gestures.

Bodily...fluids.

All right, I'll lose the Cheetos.

I've already disposed of them.

I do not repeat, so you must listen.

Contrary to popular belief,

there is such a thing
as a dumb question.

I'll assume many of you
have completed the third grade.

If at any time you're confused
by something that you hear,

right, there's a book
in the gift shop to help you.

It's called the dictionary.
Open it up once in a while.

Now who's ready to have a good time?

Try and keep your lower lip
from dropping to your waist

during the parts
with multiple syllables.

Mr. Yerden spent
the bulk of his life

acquiring the rare works of art
and priceless artifacts

that you see--
but do not touch--here.

Mr. Yerden also dabbled
in painting himself,

but we were never fortunate
enough to see his works

as he kept them to himself.

Do you need flash cards?
Let's go.

Let's go.

Damn it.

The granite in each handle
on the estate

comes from a quarry on the same site

as one of Mr. Yerden's
greatest discoveries.

Even his crypt,
right here on the grounds,

is made of the material.

Uh, uh.

Oh, what are, uh...

Pillows?

You know, I have a question as well.

What is wrong with you?

I mean, what I meant to say was:

What made Mr. Yerden choose
these particular pillows?

You know, if you wanna ask
an unanswerable question,

ask yourself why you chose
to wear that shirt.

Now...is the Dum-Dum show over

so we can get to big folks talk?

Really?

Can we get outta here?
I'm exhausted.

You stabbed everything
in this man's house.

I don't get it, Gus.

Maybe the key fits somewhere else.

Maybe the key fits nothing.

Maybe it was all an invention.

If I've learned nothing
from this tour,

it's that Yerden was an egomaniac.

I'll bet he's laughing in his
granite-coated crypt right now.

What?

Gus.

This is it.

What, the switch
to the water fountain?

No, no, no, I heard something.

The ground rumbled.
This is it.

You don't know what you heard, Shawn.

Stop it.

Hey.

Banned for life.

Did they really have to
fingerprint us for that?

Cheetos.

I know what that key opened.

Wow.

That sly old bastard.

Dude, there's a centipede
on your shirt.

Gus.

This is it.

We just gotta figure out
how to open it.

This is a trap, Shawn.

You push the wrong thing,

and a giant rock
comes spinning through here

or spikes come out of the ceiling,

and the next thing I know,

I'm the skeleton
locked in a perpetual scream

that's meant to scare
some dude 100 years later

for the joke.

My skeleton is not gonna
be a punch line, Shawn.

I've worked with professionals,

mercenaries,
compromised double agents,

and yet no one's behavior

has been as utterly
confusing as yours.

Thank you.

It's not a compliment.

Well, that depends on your
definition of "confusing,"

doesn't it?

I've spent my entire life
searching for the impossible,

and yet somehow you've been
one step ahead of me

at all times.

Jackie, I told you, I'm spoken for.

Ha.

Though I do have a skill set

that reaches well beyond the normal.

Great.

Then you can open that.

Mmm...

See, there's six and, uh...

Don't do it, Shawn.

I don't think he has much of a choice.

She just got so serious.

Levers.

Why did it have to be levers?

Open it.

"Look behind you."

Don't you just hate
people who kill you?

I mean, really,

the amount of satisfaction
this woman got

from what legitimately
amounts to murder

is mind-boggling.

Oh, sure, we were stealing the key

to priceless artifacts from her,

but you don't have to enjoy it
is all I'm saying.

I am so happy that you are alive.

- Oh, thank you.
- Wait a minute.

You son of a bitch.
How could you do that to me?

Oh, never mind,
you're so frickin' awesome.

- How did you do it?
- How did I get in here?

Well, you opened the way, Shawn.

Nice call with the fountain
by the way.

I'd have guessed the stone lions
in the library,

but then again, I'm a traditionalist.

No, you silly bottom.

How are you alive?

I had a perfectly good
medical school body on ice.

And I'd already come up
with an exit plan

when you'd called
with a much better idea.

Hello.
Hello, Shawn.

Well, nothing too important.

I'm actually in the middle
of cutting my hair.

I located your watch signal instantly.

I just needed more time
to set things up.

This will take a few hours.

I changed a planned fishing accident

into a boat escape.

I just needed to lose you
along the way.

So this whole thing was a setup

from the moment
we reached the factory?

Mm-hmm.

Ooh, how did you get the DNA to match?

Now that was the problem.

I needed irrefutable proof
that I was dead.

And it would be impossible
to leave a large enough sample

without losing a hand or a body part.

And I'd seen 127 Hours,

and, well, ugh.

So I simply did the next best thing.

I changed my DNA in the database

to John Doe number 12.

Of course it was gonna match.
It's him.

- You can hack too.
- I have a guy.

- Can you introduce him to us?
- Of course.

- Guys.
- But then again,

I didn't expect you
to swipe the dagger from me

in the factory.
That was a class lift.

I've nothing left to teach you.

Where is it?

Let's open it together.

Oh.

It's a genie.

It's not a genie.

Gus, don't be ridiculous.
Genies come in lamps.

You do it.

His ashes?

All this way for that?

That can't be.
It's his legacy.

Even his crypt
right here on the grounds

is made of the same material.

Is ashes are in the urn,

what's in the crypt?

The student has become the master.

Let's go.

You're doing a bang-up job

desecrating this guy's
final resting place.

Gus, his ashes were in the urn.

They were a clue.

In the end, he wanted us to do this.

No.

Agh!

You're not...

You're not crying, are you?

Well...I'm sorry,
it's just--

this guy's never gonna see
his dog Tartoof again.

His dog's name was Tartoof?

Probably.

Well, you've come a long way, Shawn.

What you said at my funeral...
made me mist up as well.

It was wonderful.

- Really moving.
- You were there?

Of course, I was in the coffin.

Oh! I was gonna check there.

- That would've been weird.
- Guys.

Can we do this?

It's gotta be Rembrandt's
unfinished portrait

of Alexander the Great.

It was rumored
Yerden had it for years.

Or perhaps it's a Thomas Kincaid.

Shawn, you really need
to learn another painter.

Yeah, like that's ever
gonna be necessary.

It's breathtaking.

It's crappy.

You're crappy.

Don't know what you want.

He's going for fruit.
It looks like fruit.

This doesn't make sense.

I mean, he created this hunt,

left all these clues, leaked
the rumor of this collection,

and all for--for this?

Mr. Yerden also dabbled
in painting himself.

But we were never fortunate
enough to see his works

since he kept them to himself.

They're his.

What?

Oh.

Harrison Yerden painted those himself.

These are his
most cherished possessions.

Uh, I beg to differ.

Think about it, fellas.

This man traveled
to the ends of the earth,

risking everything
to find beautiful things

made by others.

But the one unattainable goal

that he would never achieve

was to be the object
of one of those searches.

To have someone go
on a quest like ours

for his works.

To be the prize
at the end of a journey.

- Perfect.
- He's narcissistic.

In the biggest way.

I like the one with the cat.

- Still crappy.
- Gus is crappy.

- Your mama's crappy.
- You're just plain crapola.

Suck it, Shawn.

You know what, let's get out of here

before we all get arrested.

I'm never gonna see you again, am I?

If you'd like to plan a vacation

to some friendly,
non-extraditing country,

I'd be happy to set up
a weekend for you.

It hurts.
It's real.

I get that now.

We're not gonna get
that 1.6 million, are we?

When the courts release it,

it will go into your account
for about nine minutes,

and then it will
mysteriously disappear.

Don't try to stop it.

- We won't accept it.
- Oh, yes, we will.

What about the taxes?

You don't have to pay taxes
on money you don't have.

Where do you get
your information from, Shawn?

- Gus, don't be Lao Che.
- Who?

- The dude from Temple of Doom.
- What?

Remember, they got
on his plane in Shanghai

and flew all the way to India
before the pilots jumped out

when clearly they could have
just not taken off

in the first place.

What does that have to do
with anything?

What?

Well, I'll be.

Hey, team.

I just wanted to apologize

for the scene that
I caused at the funeral.

I know I've probably seemed
a little crazy

these last few days.

Come on, Spencer,
don't beat yourself up.

I mean, thanks to you
another criminal is dead.

In my book, you can hold
your head up high around here.

You even found the five paintings

of the core collection
in Yerden's crypt.

This is true.
Wait, what?

The wild goose chase that
rich nutbag sent us on.

We found all five paintings.

- There were six paintings.
- Six?

Are you telling me someone
stole one of those heaps?

No.

That wouldn't make any sense.

Hello, Rembrandt.