Portlandia (2011–2018): Season 5, Episode 4 - Seaworld - full transcript

Hey! Are you an art student?

You're not answering
because you're an art student.

You just want to keep quiet
and just sit there and sulk.

Well, if you are
an art student,

come down
to Shocking Art Supplies.

Shocking Art supply and craft.

You want to be radical?

This is the radical store
for you.

We're talking about shock,

we're talking
about authenticity,

rebellion, subversion.



- Urban.
- Urban. Urban. Urban.

We've got everything here
for your art school needs.

Pre-smashed TVs!

Get a whole stack of TVs.

You could pile a bunch of these

and run static through it,
so it's like...

"Mr. Gorbachev,
tear down this wall."

Mission accomplished.

We've got baby doll parts.

Ahh!

You can put them together
in any way you want.

It's up to you.

And Shepard here
will help you out.

This is a radical
juxtaposition.



_

What does that say
about our society?

We've got mannequins.

And stencils.

Ugh, riot cops!

We've got American flags.

Upside-down flags!

$20.

Why do we charge $20 for these?

'Cause they do that.

We want you here,
because you know what we have?

Shocking Art Supplies.

And you get a 20% discount
if you're hunched over

and you've got an army jacket.

Mm-hmm.

This is our next jam.

Our target,
Japanese whaling boats.

- Yes.
- Like it.

Whaling-- it's so cruel.

- Awful.
- It's messed up.

We're gonna hit these bastards
right where they work.

Yes.

Take our little boats,
go all around,

just ruin their time.

Wow.

We'll get up
into the steering wheel

and like, as he's steering,
you know, they have this thing,

just put our arm there.

Oh, yeah.

But, like,
right in front of his face,

just like...

Sorry, what time is it?

Protest time.

Arm out.
They're done for the day.

Where exactly
does this take place?

Antarctica.

Isn't that, like, the coldest
place in the world?

I would say yes.

We could explore the idea

of protesting somewhere warm.

I agree.

I mean, my sister,
she just went to Hawaii,

and I saw the pictures,
and they were beautiful.

It's like-- I bet there's
something kind of, like,

messed up about about, like,

the surfing industry
we could protest.

Oh, yeah.

Maybe we do, like, stop
stealing all the seashells.

- Right.
- Yes.

The problem is it's
not cheap to get to Hawaii.

I know.

San Diego.

- Sea World!
- Yes.

That's perfect! Whales!

- They're the worst.
- No--

The whales go crazy and then
they kill the trainers.

But do you know why
that happens?

It's because it's in captivity.

I mean, not to talk down to you,

but that's kind
of what's going on.

That's a new perspective on it.

It's not a perspective.
It's actually what's happening.

It's what's happening.

It's not that the whales
are the worst;

it's the treatment of the whales
is the worst.

I mean, I'm open to going
to San Diego

and exploring it
and getting a tan, and...

Well, let's protest.

I mean, not only is there
great protesting,

but there's the fish tacos;

there's the walkable
neighborhoods;

there's the Gas Lamp district.

Gas Lamp.

Yeah, but we're there
to protest.

Hey, Benji, you think
you might cut that rattail

before we go to San Diego?

I've got friends who love this.

Who?

Brandon?

Oh, come on.

This is beautiful.

You wish you had one.

That's what you told me.

We were at that market,

and you were like, "I love it!

I love that rattail!

Get me it!"

You were st--
You're gonna deny it?

All right.

San Diego.
Let's go down there,

free the whales, protest,

and we're not gonna freeze
our buns off.

- Hello?
- Peanut. Peanut, come in.

- Where are you?
- Approaching terminal five.

You cannot underestimate
or overestimate

the amount of time it's going
to take you

to get through these cars.

This is where you can't mess up.

Shh.

You have to be in the slow lane

if you need to stall for time.

You have to be in the fast lane
if you need to make up for time.

Do not talk to me like I don't
know what I'm doing

and I haven't done this before.

Listen to me,
if you have to go around again,

then I'm getting
a vanilla latte.

Shh!
You-know-who might hear us.

I'm sorry.

Anyway, it's our best last hope.

Come on, buddy.

They're looking right at me.

They spotted me.

Hey, Subaru, let's go!

Just going right now.

I need more time.

All right.
I've got an idea.

Hello, I'm his twin brother.

Going in there from Australia,

but did a bit of backpacking,
and I got my 'noculars,

look around,
can't believe I'm here.

- Wow. Look at this.
- You got to move.

Okay, I'm moving.

Cancel.
Cancel, cancel.

Don't leave me.

You didn't listen.

Cancel. Cancel. Got to go.

Eagle spotting me right now.
Move.

Should've scheduled better.

Hey!

- Uh!
- Wow.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- How was the flight?
- It was fine.

Oh, good.

Yeah, they really tried
to move me,

and I was, like, all freaking
out and everything.

Oh, my God, I was, like,
racing through the airport.

- I was, like, zigzagging--
- Shh!

I can't sleep!

Did I tell you I made a will?

You did?
Do I get anything?

Yeah, you get my guitars.

Okay, if anything happens
to me, you get a ba--

Psst!
Fred! Carrie!

It's me.
The Mayor.

- Oh.
- Oh. Hi, Mr. Mayor.

I need some help.

It just seems like,
to ensure my legacy,

I need some kind of a conspiracy
around my administration.

What do you mean,
"a conspiracy"?

You know, like a video.

You want us to help you

make a conspiracy video?

- Can you do that?
- Yeah.

- We can help you.
- Great.

I'll meet you inside.

Okay, you should start off
with, like, just all black.

Good.

And then what we'll do is,
let's have, like, a quote.

Yeah, quotes are good.

"Behind the eyes
of those in power

lies the questions
that go unanswered."

- Ooh.
- Right.

And let's attribute that quote
to "Unknown."

I like that.

That's good. I like it. Okay.

Let's get some footage of you.

There's plenty of stuff
out there.

Yeah. Yeah. All right.

Now, why don't we do, like, one
of those oval highlights around?

- Those are always really good.
- Oh. Uh-huh.

Okay, so, like, around that?
Okay.

All right.
Now make it back and white.

Speaking of black and white,
my idea is to put forth

that the Mayor has been around
for millennia.

So you are looking back at,
like, cave paintings,

and you're like, "Wait a second.
Is that the Mayor?"

- That's interesting.
- Civil War...

- Like, could he be there?
- Okay.

Look at the Moon landing.
Hey, is that the Mayor?

- It's the Mayor.
- World War I, World War II.

- Could it be?
- The Last Supper.

Let's say there's, like,
a video from Napoleon's time.

Right? So there he is.

Napoleon is going by
in his carriage.

And you look past
the horse and there's, like,

a little oval highlight--
"Oh, my God.

Is that the Mayor?"
And then it's over.

The horse is, like, in front
of him, and we don't know.

- So it's like this--
- But wait, wait, wait, wait.

With the footage,
are we re-creating it?

Do you want to hire actors
to film something like--

- I think there must be
some footage.

Can't we find some footage
of Napoleon's carriage?

They didn't even have
photographs,

so how did they have film?

We just don't know.
We just don't know.

Type "French Revolution"
into YouTube.

Okay, let's do it, then.
There's-- Hey, look.

It's all painting.

Then let's do a painting

and we'll superimpose
the Mayor's face

over one of the bodies
in the painting.

That's right, Ken Burns
does that all the time.

All right.
So here's a painting.

What do you
want to do with this?

So if we take this, perhaps,

maybe the fellow that's right
there, you just take that face

and you just move it
ever so slightly, eye open.

Which guy? Mr. Mayor.

- Eye opens ever so slightly.
- Am I animating it?

We think he's dead,
but he's not really dead.

He's winking.

And he looks a little bit
like the Mayor,

but he's winking at us like...

"I know something
that you don't know."

Okay, how do I make that face
look like your face?

See?
I'm winking a little bit.

Like that? Okay.

We want his face on there.

Now scratch it up a little bit.

Can you make it sort of scratchy
so it--

Maybe someone
tore it from the camera.

Is it a video?
What is it?

- No. It's a postcard.
- It's a postcard.

Wait, wait, wait, guys.
Time-out. Time-out.

Why is there a postcard?

What happened
to this conspiracy video?

No, it's not a conspiracy
video anymore.

- It's a conspiracy postcard.
- That's true.

Are we sending these out?

Why is there-- How are people
getting this postcard?

I think people can find them
at the airport.

We can sell them at the kiosk.

So now we're designing
a postcard with your face on it.

People will buy these
like hotcakes.

They're gonna pick, you know,
the Portland skyline

or The Timbers.

They're not gonna pick
a French painting

with a winking dead guy
in the corner.

How are they gonna see that?

It's the Mayor.

♪ let's go ♪

♪ sit back, sip that ♪

♪ you are now in California ♪

Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey.

What do you guys think?
Sea World?

- Yeah.
- Protest?

So when we get down there,
we're gonna tell 'em

what it's about!

Lay it down!

I was gonna suggest that maybe
before we go to do that,

we check out all the fun things
of San Diego,

because once we get the whale,
the cops are gonna be after us.

It's gonna be--

They're open till 9:00,
so we have some hours.

Want to do noon?

Okay, so we got a couple hours
till the protest,

but until then, fun!

- See you back here.
- Okay. Bye, guys.

♪ this is crazy! ♪

San Diego's the best!

I've never had so much fun.

- Me neither.
- I love it.

- Hey, Benji.
- San Diego!

- Right?
- What a place!

- I know!
- You look beautiful.

Thank you.

They're kind of like rattails,
wouldn't you say?

- Not really.
- They're cornrows.

- That's a rattail.
- There's a difference.

- Fine.
- I met someone.

That was fast!

Yeah, I mean, we'll see,

but it's feeling
really good so far.

- Does he have a friend?
- I'm gonna ask.

Hey, I had fish tacos.

- How was it?
- Unbelievable.

So, so great.

What do you guys think?
Sea World?

I was actually thinking,
could we push the protest back

till 3:00?

- 3:00 sounds good.
- 3:00.

Then once we get down there,

we got to tell them really
what we're about!

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

All right?
We're gonna lay it down!

- See you.
- See you then! Bye!

♪ this is crazy! ♪

Oh, my God.
Yes!

It-- Literally the most
beautiful place

you can ever go to.

- It's magic here.
- Stunning views.

- Yeah. Are you all right?
- I love it.

Yes. I had margaritas.

- You-- Did you?
- Yeah. It was awesome.

I can smell it.

I will say the doorman's
a fucking asshole,

'cause he think he's got
an attitude

when you try to go in--
It's a hotel.

- He's just there to help.
- Yeah, I know. I know.

I'm being a dick.

- Don't worry about it.
- Jeff's having a party tonight.

- Who's Jeff?
- Jeff's my boyfriend.

- Oh, you guys made it official?
- Yeah.

- He's a lucky dude.
- You guys are all invited.

He really wants to meet you.

After Sea World we'll go?

Oh, right.

I was supposed to drive
the getaway car.

I just-- honestly, I'm probably
not fit to drive.

And if the cops pull me over,
I'm fucked.

We could do that tomorrow
and party tonight

and then...
go right into Sea World.

I totally want to go
to that party.

Let's go to the party.
You want to go to a party?

I love San Diego so much.

- I know.
- I could cry.

Don't.
Like, don't.

All right. I won't.

All right, I'll see you guys
in a few hours.

Yes.

See you guys!

Hi, I'm Bryce Shivers.

And I'm Lisa Eversman.

At our store, Dead Pets,

we have something
for the taxidermy lover

of all ages.

These are the animals we have
available to you today.

Bella the Bat.
This is to let people know that you

are definitely counterculture,
definitely interesting,

a little on the darker side.

One time, my nephews came over
and I put this little guy

on a string and I just, like,
whipped it around like this.

It scared them so much.

- Bryce is a great uncle.
- They were so frightened.

This is a beaver.

People thought, "Oh, how cute.

You decided
to put a hat on him."

No, he died wearing this hat.

Dead Pets. Ow!

God damn it.

Is it bleeding?

No.

I like to think
that this deer is saying,

"Well, my ex-wife did this.

Hey, at least I'm not hanging
out with my mother-in-law."

Dead Pets.

- Hello?
- Hello.

Is this where the party is?

Brit?
Oh!

- Hi!
- And friends.

Yes! Hi!

- Hey.
- Hi.

Oh!

These are my friends.

- Hi.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.

- Who's this?
- That's Benji.

That's Dakota. That's Brandon.

Welcome to the party.
You're the first ones here.

Yeah.

Mm, what do you think
of this unit?

Beautiful.

I love it.
I just love everything about it.

Want a little tour?
You want to look around?

Yeah.

So this is the master,
and it's, uh-- uh,

fully furnished,
like all these places,

and then, of course,
this lovely, lovely bathroom.

Here it is of which I spoke.

Oh, my gosh. Every time.

It's magical.
I find it magical.

You got a view
of this delicious harbor,

and, you know, you're steps away
from a Whole Foods.

Do you like Whole Foods?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

I-I-I-I love it.

And here we are, back-- mmm--

in the living room.

Hey, let me ask
you guys something.

How many times a year
do you come to, um, San Diego?

- It's our first time, really.
- This is our first time.

- Do you stay in a hotel?
- Yeah.

So expensive around here,
aren't they?

- It's insane.
- Yeah.

This unit
that you've been looking at--

for $3,000,

you could have access to it

for six weeks a year.

Isn't there supposed
to be, like, a party here

tonight or something?

Well, can I make
a little confession?

There's actually no party.

I'm hoping the upshot of which
is to sell you

on this idea of timeshares.

Take a look at that.
That's why I had that out.

Oh, this looks pretty good.

So this was the party?

Uh, yeah.

It's all pretty much--
It's pretty simple.

- Cut and dry.
- Mm-hmm.

Brandon, you want
to get the checkbook out?

Who do we make it out to?

Sea World.
They own everything around here.

- Sea World.
- It goes to Sea World.

- Yeah.
- All right.

- Sea World?
- Yeah.

What's the matter?

This is why we came down here.

- To protest Sea World.
- We're anti Sea World.

- They're not directly...
- Yes. They are directly.

Let me tell you something.

There's literally a whale
on the contract.

Hmm.

I know I got lured in
by the tacos

and the jet skis and
the margaritas and everything,

but it's a trap.

No, it's a wonderful place.

This is a wonderful
vacation spot.

Let me show you
what we think of that.

That's a big waste
of paper, isn't it?

We're not interested.

You've got the wrong people,
'cause I think

we're kind of not suckers.

I think you misunderstood.

No. You know what?
We got to go.

- Brit, come on.
- Come on, Brit.

- Let's get out of here.
- I think I'm gonna stay.

What?

I think you guys should go.

Are you sure?

Yeah. I'm sure.

- Oh, jeez. Gross.
- All right.

Nice to meet you. Sorry.

We'll clean this up.
Thanks, Brandon.

This was real, right?

Yeah.

Okay, so we're here
to set up your will,

and I know it's not the most fun
thing thinking about death,

but this way, at least,

everything
will be taken care of.

I think it is fun
thinking about death.

I was more looking forward
to this than I am my birthday

this year.

Okay, so, Vince,
let's start with you.

Uh, what would you like to do
with your personal property?

My collection
of capes and top hats

I would bequeath to my
loved one, Jacqueline.

Thank you.

My collection
of wax faces and wax heads

that are encased in glass--
they look like...

Jacqueline, I'd love for her
to take care of them,

and I've got, uh, a painting

that looks like, uh,
a normal aristocrat,

but then when there's lightning,
it's just like--

- Do you want that one?
- I do.

And, Jacqueline,
what about you?

A player piano
from a haunted stagecoach.

Do you want that?

Please.

- Vince.
- Okay.

Tears from
a Scottish deerhound.

Vince.

And what about
funeral services?

Any special instructions there?

Uh, I would like it
to be in an old, decrepit,

abandoned church
at the top of a hill.

There should be some shrieks
heard in the distance, and--

Who's shrieking?

Who isn't shrieking?

We'll have, like-- we'll
have a professional shrieker.

It should be, like,
old, wooden doors...

Uh, with a greeter
at the door, like...

"Are you here for the funeral?"

Okay.

And then, all of a sudden,

the coffin opens,
and there's no body.

Where would your body
be located?

I want to be cremated.

Great.
And what about you, Jacqueline?

I would like my body dragged
out to a dimly-lit field

by jackals
and left there to rot.

Would you be willing
to consider just having,

like, a coffin
and be buried in that?

Fine,
two jackals towing a coffin

to a field,
and then let me rot.

Okay.

And it should be at midnight,
so if there's lightning,

it's like...

Okay, do you have any property
that you would need

to have taken care of if you
pass on simultaneously?

Bella.

And who's Bella?

Our bat.

Okay, and who would you like
to take care of Bella?

We like you.

You seem very responsible,

and that's what we'd want.

What's involved
with taking care of Bella?

You have to make sure
that she's safe

and able to get into her cave.

There's a lot of fluttering.

- You know, like, at night.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, so I think I have
pretty much everything--

And the shriek?

Yeah, we'll have
to audition for that.

You're great.

Okay, we'll call you if they
die within your lifetime.

- Thank you.
- Thanks.

Bella, go to your cave!

Next in line, please.

Hey, welcome
to Sea World San Diego.

- How may I Shamu?
- Hi.

Where's the exhibit
where they mistreat the whales?

Oh, you mean the 4D Experience?

What's the 4D Experience?

There's a big screen
at Super Imax,

and we give you special glasses.

Oh, what kind of glasses?

They're 3D,
but the music makes it 4D.

They splash you
with water and stuff.

That would be super fun, right?

No, we have a purpose.

Oh, the Find Your Porpoise
is actually really terrific.

No, not that.

Wherever you mistreat
these animals,

that's where we want to go.

I think you might enjoy
the Orchasmic Experience.

What?

You get wet checking out
the world's largest

and most majestic sea mammals.

So you sell that to kids?

Unless you guys are students.

Then we can also give you guys
a different deal.

Are you still in school?

Did you graduate?

What was your major?

You don't even know.

Well, it doesn't matter.

Look, we came here for a reason,
okay?

To release an animal,
to release a whale

into the wild,
back into the ocean.

That's where they belong.

But Benji, we didn't bring
equipment for that.

We didn't plan for that.

We can't just
carry a whale out of here.

I want to save something.

- Look out!
- Benji!

Excuse me, please.

Benji!

If you want a free something,
we have a buy-two-get-one-free.

It's a family package.

It's all-inclusive,
there's a three-hour tour.

Move!
Move, please.

Live fish. Come on!

Let's get out of here!

Hey, you can't do that.

- What is that?
- It's a fish.

That's what they feed
the whales.

- You rescued it?
- It's alive.

Benji, you saved an animal
from Sea World,

just like we said
we were gonna do.

- Yeah!
- You did it.

We did it!

♪ set me free ♪

♪ set me free ♪

♪ let me live so I can learn
to lose my way ♪

♪ you got to set me free ♪

♪ got to set me free ♪

♪ let me live inside
this world of mine ♪

Oh.

Sorry, little guy.

Let's try again.

All right.

Come on, buddy.

Here you go.