Portlandia (2011–2018): Season 5, Episode 5 - 4th of July - full transcript

- There we go. Let's see.
- Good?

- Perfect. Okay.
- Great. All right.

There's a burger
with your name on it.

Happy Fourth of July.

- This is great.
- It's great.

[Crunching]

[Coughing]

Ah, we're sorry.
W-what happened?

What's the problem?

[Rough sawing]

I think you guys
are out of napkins.



No napkins?
I'm so sorry.

What's wrong with you?

Wipe off this burger
with your fa...

They don't need napkins.
This is the USA!

- They do need--No!
- USA!

- No! No! No!
- USA!

N-n-n-n-no-no-no!

- Dave. Hey!
- No-no-no-no-no-no.

Hey! Wake up!

You're having a nightmare.

- It was the worst.
- What?

It was a barbecue
and everything was falling apart

and people
didn't want their food

and they were sending it back
and everything was cold.



[Sighs]

What day is it?

- July fourth.
- [Sighs]

- It's okay, though.
- It's not okay.

Dave, this year, we got Gerty,
The Grill Guru.

We're gonna be fine. We got all
the right decorations.

- Yeah.
- You have the right meats.

- Yeah.
- You have the right vegetarian options.

- We have all the right drinks.
- Yeah.

- All the right ice cubes.
- Yeah.

- The right mustard.
- I can't wait for you to see

the shorts
I'm gonna wear today.

We're supposed to go to Corrine

and Lance's barbecue today.

Oh, I want to go to that.

I also want to go by Lana's
and just say hi.

I think Chris is doing
a barbecue with chicken

or something we're supposed
to try out.

Yes, and we should go to Brian
and Morgan's

'cause they have a really good
view of the fireworks.

And Maria's doing hers,

and we definitely
have to stop by that one.

And Jamie's.

Aren't Dave and Dave
having a barbecue?

- Jeff and Joni.
- Who?

- The Duggans.
- I don't know them.

How about Dr. Number One?
Huge barbecue.

- And Laurence.
- And the Petro triplets.

- Havels. Where?
- The Jeanings. Joey.

- Ping pong. The Haydens?
- The Hughes.

- We got to go to their barbecue.
- And the Hydens.

- Jay-Jay's.
- What time?

Um, The Muchachos--
we got to go to that one.

- They're having un barbecue-cita.
- Oh, yeah, and Cliff's.

Should we just skip
the whole Fourth of July?

Fred, we can't do that.
It's depressing.

I'll just stay home with my dog,

and I'll be asleep before
the fireworks start.

We have to go out; all we have
to do is stick to a plan.

- Be disciplined.
- Okay, it's in your hands.

- 'Cause, you know...
- It will be fun.

We can go to all the barbecues.

[Militaristic drum beat]

♪ ♪

[Horn blasts]

Sam, July Fourth is upon us.

Tonight, we shall celebrate
with a dazzling display

of sky pyrotechnics,

fireworks.

[Washed Out's
Feel It ll Around playing]

Okay, here we have a variety
of different, uh, Fourth of July

barbecue themes. Americana.

Red, white, and blue
kind of stuff?

Right, like a-- blueberries
and raspberries on the cake,

and we approximate the look
of an American flag.

Well, you know, we love red,
white, and blue,

but I feel like we've been
to that barbecue.

Been there, done that.
Have you done this?

It's a Luau.
That's a roasted pig.

Seems violent.

And indeed,
there is an element of violence

of taking a spear and putting it
through the mouth of a pig.

- At the barbecue.
- At the barbecue.

The pig is trained to jump
towards you to its death.

So then
it's self defense, really.

Yeah.
So we'll say Luau, maybe.

I think we want
to make a statement.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

I want to do-- is just-- just
the other side of impossible.

Oh, I think I have
just the thing,

and it's called
The Shitty Punk Barbecue.

Huh.

Now, punks traditionally gather

in backyards that are mostly
concrete or spots of lawn

that have never been mowed.

Reggae music is coming out
from the house

in a half-broken speaker,
and the house has one bathroom.

- Toilet's usually clogged.
- Wow.

I like the sound of that.
I mean...

And everybody brings
random assortments

of vegan hot dogs and veggie
burgers that are frozen.

- Yeah.
- Great.

So I was thinking
our version of that

could be a fennel-frisee-almond
vegan hot dog.

What do you think of that?

This screams, to me,
"Authentic."

- Yeah.
- So I say yes.

It's an entire experience
you'd be signing up for.

You know, everything's
"[Quack] --you, [Quack] --you,"

and you better not
have thin skin.

Kath, [Quack] --you.

Wow. Very good.

Hey, [Quack] --off.

- Whoa.
- [Quack] --you back.

And [Quack] --myself.

[Laughs]

And what's the style?

Is it spiky hair?

Spiky hair, blue hair,
a lot of studs.

Well, we have one stud.

We have one stud right here.

- That's right.
- Where?

- Dave.
- Oh, yes, of course.

Dave.

I'm a cute guy sometimes.

[Keyboard clicking]

- Sam, parade?
- Check.

Bunting?
Tiny flags everywhere?

- Check.
- Fireworks?

Sam, this is where you're
supposed to say "Check."

I'm still waiting to hear back
from my guy.

Are you sure he's gonna call?

Any minute now.

[Phone rings]

Hello.

Oh, that's too bad.

Bye.

What do you mean,
"That's too bad"?

Hey, look, I don't know
what to tell you boys.

I'm up shits creek here.

My entire stash has been
confiscated, incinerated.

- They took everything?
- Everything.

Not the smiley face?

How about the one that goes...

[Whistles]

Boom!

No, they didn't get those.

What part of
"My entire stash confiscated"

don't you understand?

Oh.

Hey, look, and I got 90 days

before I'm even
gonna be able to start

putting something together.

That's not even gonna help us.

We need those fireworks,
and we need 'em now.

We need 'em today.
We got to get 'em.

Who's your connection?

Maybe we can deal
directly with them.

[Laughs]

You boys ever heard
of the deep web?

The deep web?
Is that like a fishing...

underwater...

No, sir, the deep web
was developed by the government

so that spies could talk
to each other, and now,

it's just a hangout
for the criminal underworld,

a digital black market.

So you think they might
have fireworks?

I know they got fireworks.

They got guns,
they got hookers--

- Whoa-oh-oh-oh, okay.
- You name it, they got it.

That's good. Okay.
Good, good, good, good.

Is there, like, a monthly fee?
Do you...

So what you're gonna need
to do is download

the latest Tor client software.

Well, you know how to do that.
Right, Sam?

- Sure.
- Great.

Log in.

It'll pretty much
direct you from there.

All right, well,

let's get
the bloodhounds on and go.

Skids, you've been very helpful.

Happy Fourth to you.

Sam.

- Left and left and...
- Good luck to you boys.

Left and left and...

We should get some wine
before we go to Jenna's.

That's not a bad idea.

Yeah, maybe we can stop
at the store.

Okay.

You know,
we actually have to go.

- You want to leave?
- Yeah.

We've been here,
like, 15 minutes.

I know, but we have to stick
to the schedule.

Okay, then I'll just say bye
to Corrine.

- Okay. Hurry up, though.
- Okay.

Hey, I think we're
gonna take off.

It was great, though.
It was so good to see you.

Delicious.
I didn't even get to see-- Hey!

What's up, man?

Are we maybe doing something
next week?

In Mexico, they
sort of give you a bow good-bye.

[Laughs]
No, I'm just kidding around.

What do they do?
I think a salute.

You should just be really-- yeah.

All right. I'm gonna take off.
Bye. See you later.

Hey, I'm taking off.
Good to see you guys.

You're at the grown-ups'
barbecue, huh?

You got some Swedish fish there?

You know, if you go to Sweden,
that's what the fish are like.

They're candy.
You have to reach in.

That's what you eat.

Hey, how's school going? Good?

Yeah. School's tough, man.

You got to be tough, though,
you know.

[Grunting]

No, I'm just kidding around.

Is that alcohol?

This is the police.

You're not old enough
to drink alcohol.

Seriously, man.

And you have to wait an even
longer time than that.

- Yeah.
- Anyway, I go now!

[In a robotic voice]
It's time for the computer

to go away from the house.

I'll see you guys later.
All right. Bye.

Hey, I'm leaving, actually.

I didn't get
to say good-bye to you,

but bye, and good to see you.

Someone told me about a bit
that you did that was so funny.

You were, like, mouthing off
to someone

and didn't know what you
were saying.

It sounded so funny.

- Hey.
- Yes.

I just was coming over here

'cause you're taking so long
saying good-bye.

Oh, I was just saying good-bye
to Josh.

I know, but you
said good-bye to everyone.

- You don't need to do that.
- Well, I just feel bad.

I don't want to seem
unappreciative.

This is what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna send
a text to Corrine and Lance

that says, "Hey, thanks
for the barbecue."

- Okay.
- Just-- All right.

- I'll see you soon.
- Josh, great to see you.

- Hey, Josh, you should--
- We're-- we're gonna go.

But maybe I'll see you
at this other thing.

Our next project is very fun.

This is the fruit faux-hawk
that we'll be creating

with some cubed fruit, and I
understand you have some knives.

Yes.
So you just grab whatever?

Okay.
Whatever-- okay.

Which one do you want?

The-- How about the butcher
knife in the center?

Okay.

Well, that's not the butcher
knife, but that'll do.

- Handle first.
- Handle first?

Handle first. No.
No-no-no-no-no-no. Handle first.

No-- I-- No-no-no-no.
Now you're just stabbing it.

Okay, well, hey, that's one way
to skin a cat.

Let's do a nice little slice,
and then we'll cube them

so they'll look like that.

- Dave.
- Dave, careful.

- Okay, I just put it--
- No, no, no. Dave, Dave.

Will you grab the styrofoam
head, Dave, over there?

We're cre-- No, no. That.
The styrofoam.

Let's put it right here.

[Foam squeaking]

Definitely.

That is pretty punk.

Well, you two
are in very good shape,

I have great faith in you,
you're gonna have a lot of fun,

I will see you at the party,
and until then, [Quack] --you.

- [Quack] --you!
- [Laughing]

Let's go do it. Come on.

Man, this deep web
has everything.

Guns, drugs, explosives.

Okay. Here we go.

[Computer beeps]

Sam, it's not working.

It's not letting me in.
We need tech support.

Yeah, we're behind a firewall.

Go up to your menu bar.

Menu bar...

Check out your network
preferences.

Run down to cookies.

Cookies...

Disable.

Disabled.
All right. It's working.

[Gasps]
Jan!

Good reflexes.
I'm just kidding.

[Sighs]
Sir.

Okay, we're in.

"Want firepower
that will destroy?"

Huh. Yeah!

We are interested
in your merchandise

ASAP, exclamation point.

[Computer beeps]

He's responding.

Mr. "bah-cone."

His name is Mr. Bacon.

"I have everything you need.

Do you like juice?"

I gue-- Yes, I do.

What's your location?

We are coming right now.

We got the address.

Sam, Fourth of July is saved!

Let's go.

All right, you ready to go?

What? We just got here.

I just want to hang out
and say hi to everybody.

We have a lot of barbecues
to go to.

I'm gonna say bye to just
a couple people down there.

No, you know what we're gonna
do for this one?

- French exit.
- What's that?

We leave
without saying good-bye.

I can't pull that off.

People are gonna think
that I snubbed them.

If I wait here for you to say
good-bye to everyone,

that's 30 more minutes.

Just for me, come on.

- I guess we'll just--
- Yeah, and then we go.

I really want to wave,
at least.

No, no, no. Please don't wave.

Let's go.

Oh, hey, you guys.

- Hey.
- Hey. How's it going?

I'll be right back.

Oh, you're not leaving,
are you?

Oh, well, the party's back here.

- Hi, hi. Hello.
- Hey.

Hey, pretty cool.
A French exit.

- Wait, wait. Hold on, hold on.
- What?

I'm sorry.
I'm shaking right now.

I have to go back
and say good-bye.

It's a party.
You drift in, you drift out.

Can we go back
and say good-bye?

Fred, I want to leave,
and you're sitting around

and, like, stressing out
and saying good-bye to everyone

in this really compulsive,
OCD way.

It's not OCD,
it's just sort of politeness.

I was raised to be polite.

You're actually
being rude to me

by being so polite
to everyone else.

Come inside and we'll say
good-bye.

No, I'm going
to the next party, okay?

- I'm sorry.
- You really gonna go?

Yeah.

Anyway, it was good hanging
out with you...

- No. No. Do not talk to me.
- And I'm saying good-bye.

Nope.

[Engine turns over]

Good-bye.

[Rock music]

♪ ♪

Hey, Kath,
how you doing on veggie burgers?

Okay, it's just-- it's not the
easiest-- Damn it!

- You dropped one of the--
- Yeah, I know.

Oh, guests are here.
Right on.

Got to get the front of house.

Hi. Welcome. Here you go.

Here's a little beer for you.
There you go.

Okay, take this one, please.
Hold on.

Hey, I want to thank everybody
for coming,

and also, [Quack] --you!

Okay, I'm taking
some burger orders.

Who wants a veggie burger?

Guys want some veggie burgers?

One order for you?
Okay, great. Be right back.

Okay, I got one order
for one veggie burger

and another order for a double
veggie burger.

Here.

Okay, so that's one,
and then one double.

- Fine. They're not cooked.
- Give me the double stack.

- You just dropped that one.
- Yeah, I know.

Great. Coming right up!

All right.
I'll see you in a bit.

Is that a no on that?
What's wrong?

That's a no on the double,
and the cheese--

they said this looks
like black cheese.

Why are you acting
like a waiter right now?

Because I'm trying to serve
all these people.

- These are our friends.
- Tell them to just drink beer.

- Everyone, just drink beer!
- Dave, I don't know what to do.

This woman-- she just left us
in the lurch!

I mean, look at this, Dave.
This isn't food.

This is just some mess.

Well, calm down, okay?
We've got to get through it.

- Let's just get through the day.
- Okay. Okay.

- All right?
- Hi, Kath and Dave.

- Hi.
- This is Andy.

He's your guest judge
for this challenge.

He's a local aficionado
of The Shitty Punk Barbecue.

Look forward to mowing down
on your grub.

I didn't know
there was gonna be a judge.

[Laughs]

We're gonna join the party.

[Dramatic music]

[Suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

Hi, there!
We're here to see Mr. Bacon.

Great.

♪ ♪

Nicely done, Mr. Bacon.

You're-- you're
quite a good player.

Well, hello, there.

Hello, there, Mr. Bacon.

Can I help you with something?

We're really sorry
to interrupt your tennis match,

but thank you for agreeing
to see us.

We have an appointment?
Are you supposed to be here?

I'm sorry I didn't introduce
myself properly.

You might know me
as "Mayor 9000."

Oh.

We spoke online.
We chatted online.

I know who you are.

You want toys.

Yes.

These are the deep web guys.

Did you offer them
something to drink?

That's quite all right.

No, it's not all right.
Do you like yuice?

I'm sorry-- Do I like what?

Yuice.

I'm not sure what that is.

Well, grapefruit yuice,
or orange...

Oh! I'm sorry.
No. That's quite all right.

We weren't expecting any juice.

Oh, well there are things
that you want, apparently.

We're looking
to make a big bang.

Like, bam! Bam! Bam!

Well, this is a little
on the serious side,

don't you think, Mr. Mayor?

I mean, I don't know if you
could play with toys like this.

How complicated can it be?

You light a fuse, you run away.

What's the target, Mr. Mayor?

Downtown Portland.

Oh, you're sick.

[Chuckles]
Actually, we're pretty healthy.

[Laughing]

You like your yuice?

Oh, the juice is fantastic.

It's nice and sweet.

It's a really good batch,
don't you think?

You could've offered it to them.

Wow, this one is beautiful.

You know, I'm looking for one
that's gonna go up into the sky

and it's gonna explode
and it's gonna come down

in just a halo of sparkles.

[Makes explosion sound]

You're really gonna do it,
aren't you?

We don't want to disappoint.

Two Boy Scouts just digging in
to Christmas morning-- I love it.

I'll be your Santa Claus
if you want,

and I'll be every
goddamn elf you want.

Is this the one that puts up
the smiley face?

Oh, I'll have a smiley face,
and so will you.

Okay.
Dave, I think this is the one.

I don't know how it tastes,

I don't know
if it's cooked correctly.

I think it's
the best one I've done,

but I have no idea.

- It looks great.
- I hope so, Dave.

Okay. [Quack] --you.

Hey, [Quack] --you, too.

I hope this food
gets here soon.

I'm starting to get drunk.

Look. Nobody's happy.

Everybody is pissed off.

- Hey, what you got there?
- Hey, Dave.

- Enjoy. From the chef.
- Thanks.

Great. Thank you.

- No buns?
- No buns.

It's awful.

Look at this.
This isn't even cooked.

- It is burnt, but it's cold.
- Yeah.

Look, there's a little bit
of the wrapper.

That reminds me of the burger
my buddy Hawk makes.

Yeah?

Yeah, it just smells
like plastic.

Hmm.

Look, I don't blame anybody
for not eating this crap.

I think
we've made our decision then.

I think we have.
Shall we deliver it?

- Yeah.
- Let's do it.

Kath.

Dave.

Andy and I have experienced
your punk barbecue.

We ate the food,
we drank the stale beer,

we talked to all
of your angry friends,

and congratulations on some
Shitty Punk Barbecue.

[Quack] --you.
Are you serious?

[Quack] --you.
I'm serious.

- Very-- very shitty punk rock.
- Yeah.

- It was authentic?
- Very authentic.

From the charred synthetic meats
to the barking dog

to the toddler running around
with the poo-ey diaper.

Congratulations.

Burgers were cold,
food was late.

That's the way it is.

I just want you to know we put
a lot of hate into it,

a lot of anger into each burger.

I could taste it
with every bite.

And people were milling
around, they were angry.

And they'll probably never
come back to your house again.

Mission accomplished.

- [Quack] --you guys.
- [Quack] --you guys.

- And I'll [Quack] --you back.
- [Quack] --you!

[Quack] --you, too!
[Quack] --everybody!

[Ominous music]

You know, Mr. Bacon, we were
thinking of setting our display

to music, and I wondered
if you had any suggestions.

You know, in Sarajevo,
we kind of do everything

to classical music,
so you know...

[Humming classical tune]

♪ da-da-da-da, da-da, da,
da-da, da ♪

Boom!

♪ da-na-na-na, na-na, na-na,
na-na ♪

[Makes explosion sound]

So I'm actually leaving.

- Taking off, so...
- Okay.

Thank you and bye
and off to space!

What?

[Phone chimes]

_

What?

[All singing a tune]

Keeszh!

♪ da-de-da-da-du-du-da ♪

Up. Ooh!

So she already came
and went, huh?

She moves fast. Bye.

Hey, April.

Carrie isn't still here, is she?

Seen Carrie, have you?

[Dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Kayssh!

Carrie still here?

♪ ♪

You see Carrie?

♪ ♪

[Explosion]

Carrie!

Carrie, hold on!

I can't-- I can't hold on.

- You have to.
- I can't, Fred.

- Hold on tight.
- Fred, just let me go.

- Just let me go.
- What?

This is it, Fred.

- This is good-bye.
- No.

There are certain times when you
don't say good-bye.

You taught me that.

I'm not a good-bye guy anymore.

Our friendship
is way more important

than casual acquaintances
I only know from parties.

I'm done saying good-bye.

Now, on the count of three,

you're coming up here,
all right?

- Okay.
- One!

Two! Three!

[Cries out]

[People cheer]

You did it!

We made it to all
the Fourth-of-July parties!

We did it!

Now let's do a French exit.

- Okay.
- Here we go.

[People cheer]

[Indistinct chatter]

Where are you guys going?

[Sighs]

We pulled off a punk barbecue.

Yeah, that was authentic.

If I had known about a music
that could cater to my volume

and my attitude about life,

I would've had
a whole different adulthood.

- Well, it's not too late.
- Yeah.

This could be a mosh pit
right here.

[Punk music]

- [Sighs]
- Oh, man.

Got me tuckered out.

I'm tuckered out.
It's tiring being a punk.

- Bedtime?
- Bedtime.

- Bedtime.
- Yeah!

I love you. Good job today.

I love you.

Bing! Bing!

Hi, Bing!

I'm the Mayor 9000.

We chatted over the deep web.

We got your fireworks.

You know, to be honest,
they're a little...

more powerful than we needed,

but I'm sure they're
gonna be perfect for you.

Uh...

what are you celebrating,
if you don't mind my asking?

Where are you--
where are you pointing that gun?

Does it seem like a
good place to point it?

Like-- I'm just asking.

So, inside here,

you want to point that gun.

I mean, you think there's a revolution
in here or something?

Who trained you?