Portlandia (2011–2018): Season 5, Episode 3 - Healthcare - full transcript

What are these, cookies?

Is that your image
here on the back?

No.

Images of females

on a box
that you're just selling?

You should get a patch
for confrontation.

Go to your supervisor and say,
"I don't do this!"

Do you know what it costs
to run a place?

And you're asking for me
to buy boxes of cookies?

It's not cookie time!

I'm gonna get those sashes
and tie them in a kno--



Get out!

Candace, are you okay?

Why'd you stop yelling
at the girls?

I'm having a heart attack.

What?

Well, we should
go to the hospital.

Yes, we should
go to the hospital.

- And let me tell you something.
- What?

The next time someone in your
life has a heart attack,

you immediately step to it!

You have to wake up!

- Wake up!
- Okay, guys.

I just need five more minutes.

I need just a little more time
to sleep.



Go to your room and start
getting ready for school.

Mommy doesn't feel good.

I'll be up in a second.

You don't feel good?

- Uh-uh.
- I don't feel good.

I feel like I can't
stand up right now.

I want to sleep all day.

I wake up with this headache.

I wake up and I can't breathe.

I feel drugged.

Do you think it's these sheets?

Are they, like,
some weird fabric or something?

If you're sick,
you should go to the doctor.

Hey, buddy, didn't I tell you
to go downstairs?

Why are you by the door?

Mm-mm-mm.

I just feel tired all the time.

Look at my eyes.
They're fully open right now.

It took me three nights

to watch one episode
of Masters Of Sex.

- I just kept falling asleep.
- Pretty common.

I mean, is there some kind
of an -osis or an -itis?

- No.
- Should I get an MRI?

- No. No.
- CT scan?

Could you run
an ultrasound over me?

No.

Eat more fiber,
get more exercise,

but you're basically fine.

I-I don't know.

I think we're gonna want

a second opinion, third opinion.

Obviously, something's wrong.

My feet seem extra cold
on the wood floors.

Hmm.

After some coffee at night,
after dinner...

...there's, like,
a certain jittery-ness.

And it doesn't seem right
to me.

You're fine.

- Are you sure?
- You guys are fine.

Great, well, we'll get
a third opinion then.

Uh, you fine.

Come on.

You're supposed
to know the gray area.

That's why we came to you.

Next.

In the cafeteria, you
got to order the tuna aspic.

They don't just serve it.

Good luck with the surgery.

Honey, I'm so nervous.

Now, don't worry.
I'm gonna be fine.

It's the routine exam,
you know?

It's probably
just a bad case of hiccups.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

It's the part of my job I hate.

Mr. Peter..."llini?"

What is that?

The last name's Peterllini.

So it's Peter Peterllini.

It's Peterllini.
It's an Italian name.

- Oh, I love Italy.
- Oh, yeah.

My great grandfather's
from Calabria.

Where's that?
Northern or southern?

It's Central Italy.

The best food I've ever had,
in Italy--

- You can't get a bad meal there.
- Oh, wow. Okay.

Some of the tomato paste
was a little acidic.

Then you go, "Honey,
let's go in this museum here.

How much do they charge?"

You go, "Oh, no,
this is a pharmacy."

It's not even a museum.

You go-- You see a guy
with a Vespa and a scarf...

I'm so sorry--

You go, "He works for Fellini"--
No, he's a file clerk.

- Ding ding ding.
- What a great story.

Chee-- chez-- cheese.

It's, "How many
beans are in the jar?"

But can we just focus on
my husband--

All right, can you tell us
whether he's okay?

I just-- I can't really
take waiting.

Oh, yes. I'm sorry.
We did a full workup.

Temperature,
of course, was fine,

BP and heart rate, great,

cholesterol super low--

whatever you're doing,
keep it up--

and you have cancer.

Damn it!

- I knew it.
- Ouch.

You have another
40 to 42 years to live.

Peter,
put your seat belt on, please.

But what's the difference?

I'm gonna die
in 40 years anyway.

You know what?
It makes a difference to me.

I can't lose my guy, okay?

Okay.

Hey, I just thought
of something.

Don't I get three wishes?

What do you mean?

Well,
the Make A Wish foundation.

That company-- they grant you
any wish you want.

I guess so.

They do. I know they do.

They have to.
That's what the company does.

Okay, well, I'm curious
what these wishes are.

I got something to live for.

You're having multiple
daily heart attacks

'cause your heart
is severely corroded.

Well, so what
is to be done about that?

Here's a key word I want you
to start thinking about. Exercise.

I don't have time for that.

I don't believe in that,
having a priest come in here

while I'm just up here, like...

No, this is exercise,
as in work out.

You need
to get your heart working.

- Oh, like, what, like, jogging?
- Yes.

Oh, so I could just be,
like, on the beach

and this can fall off,
and I'm, like, running?

No. Please, cover up.
Would you cover up, please?

No, look at this.

Look at it.

I fed two children with these
and many lovers.

You need to get some form
of exercise,

and I'm gonna sign you up
for the aerobics class.

Water aerobics
in a couple hours.

Doctor.

Okay.

You have less nipple hair
than me.

Oh, really?

Hey, raw milk sample here!

We got raw milk right here.
Free samples.

- Hi, folks.
- Hi. How are you?

You guys ever tried
raw milk before?

We haven't.
What is it, exactly?

Let me just take a guess.

Kind of tough getting up
in the morning,

sluggish, achy,
you're feeling down?

Doctor says, "No big deal,
you're fine, get over it."

That's actually exactly
what our doctor said.

Yeah.

I've got the cure for you
right here.

Delicious, unpasteurized,

straight-from-the-cow's-udder milk.

Doesn't pasteurization
kind of protect us

from bacteria and other illness?

Did your mom pasteurize
her breast milk?

- Uh, no.
- No! I didn't think so!

- That's right.
- And you know why?

'Cause pasteurization
is the devil.

- Huh.
- Now is this safe, by the way?

Before we start
digging in to this.

Safe...

I mean, you're out here
in this-- you know.

This has absolutely
been chilled.

Uh-huh.

And that's
exactly why I have ice

and that I have a thermos.

And it's legal.

- Yes.
- Sure, we'll try it.

- I don't care.
- Yeah, we'll try it.

That's the spirit right there.

You will taste nature's goodness
right here, my friend.

- Huh.
- It's pretty nice.

Brendan, my headache's gone.

It's gone!

That pain I've been having
for so long-- it's gone!

I feel like
my allergies are gone.

I feel awake.

I'm, like, laughing.

Well, thank you--

Don't stop the revolution!

Keep milk alive!

What are we gonna do?
We need more of this.

Brendan, I don't want
this feeling to end.

Like, I feel so good right now.

- That was instant.
- I will not go back.

I will not go back
to how we were before.

Brendan, I need more.

I need more of this milk.

Hi, Peter. I'm home.

How was it?

Well, um...

It was great.

They're gonna grant you a wish.

Okay, uh--
Oh, I'm so excited!

Um, uh-- what if I did
a one-on-one dunking contest

with Michael Jordan, you know?

Wow.

What if I did stand-up

with Sinbad?

Okay.

Maybe I could win the Indy 500

with a Formula One race car?

What about
something like Epcot?

Epcot? What's that?

You know, it's the big dome
in Florida near Disney World.

No, I don't know
if I want to do that.

What if I could be in a poster
with Brigitte Nielsen?

Oh, I didn't know
you liked her.

Aw, Nance,
all men like Brigitte Nielsen.

You know what I didn't realize?

I didn't realize
you wanted so much.

Nance, this is the only thing
keeping me going.

I love you,
and you've been the best wife

anyone could ever imagine,

but I want to make
these moments memorable.

I'll do the thinking
on this, okay?

Just-- you be my liaison
with the Make A Wish foundation.

Move this way and this way.

This way and this way.
Crouch down a little bit.

Crouch down.

This reminds me of a time that
I was trapped in a waterbed.

Okay, we're gonna
do some noodles now.

There you go.
There you go.

Um, what's this robot snake
here that's in the water?

It vacuums the bottom
of the pool.

It's a skimmer.

Can we please
have this thing moved?

I'm trying not
to stress myself out.

I don't want another
heart attack.

Can you try
to pull yourself free, dear?

Come on.

Calmness, calmness, calmness.

Candace!

Try to push it away, dear.

Try to push it away.

Toni, I'm having
another heart attack.

Great.

Well, first we're gonna sue
the filter company,

then we're gonna sue
the swimming pool company,

then we're gonna sue
the instructor,

and I suppose next is you
who we're gonna sue,

so unless you've got
any other options...

Well, since you refuse
to exercise...

No, no, no.
Exercise refused me.

Whatever-- Since exercise
is not an option,

the only other choice
is a heart transplant.

Heart transplant.

Is there anything else?

Death.

All right.
We'll take the transplant.

- Good choice.
- So scary.

- It's okay.
- Doctor.

Yes.

Oh, fine.

Okay, that's
the fifth bucket this morning.

- Wow, it's so much.
- I know.

What are we
gonna do with all this milk?

We're, like, overflowing
with it.

I literally
can't drink any more.

You look beautiful, by the way.

You do, too.

I mean, really beautiful.

Radiant. You're glowing.

- So are you.
- Look how quick I move.

You know how long
it used to take me

to get down and turn around?

- Yeah.
- My bones.

It's just-- Everything is just,
like, really fluid.

Don't you feel like
I enunciate super well now?

I woke up so early
I made the kids breakfast,

made them lunch,
got them out the door,

I mean, it felt fine.

I took an online class and
read Ulysses this morning.

- In the morning?
- Yes.

Everything's so funny
for some reason.

My laugh is different, right?

It is.
Wow. You're not blinking.

No, I haven't blinked
since this morning.

I don't blink, I don't yawn.

I just wish
we could get this milk

to all the people out there who
don't feel good.

Yeah, I mean,
it's almost selfish

that we're
the only ones drinking it.

Raw milk.
It's the future.

Agreed.

The FDA is telling you lies.

When they pasteurize the milk,

they're taking out
a lot of the benefits.

That's the truth,
but we found the answer.

Want to try some of this?
It's raw milk.

Here you go. Want a taste?

You could pour it
into your coffee,

you could pour it into your tea,

you could
make chocolate milk out of it.

It could be some
kind of a holiday drink.

How are you?
Raw milk is really nutritious.

I've never felt better.

What do you two
think you're doing?

Oh, and that's the doctor.
He will tell you you're fine.

- That's not true.
- You want to be healthy?

- Raw milk.
- Call security.

Take it.
You'll feel better.

You're fine.

- You're not fine.
- Oh, you're fine.

Hi, I was wondering
if you knew how to get a hold

of Michael Jordan
or his manager.

Hi-- Yes, I'm calling about your
comedian, Mr. Sinbad.

I was wondering if he is
interested in a comedy partner.

Hi, I was wondering whether
Hertz rents Formula One cars.

Formula One.

Hi-- Yes, I'm calling
for Brigitte Nielsen.

Hello?

- Nance?
- Yeah, Peter.

Can you hear the bell?

I could hear it.
I was on the phone.

Oh-- It might
be the cancer talking,

but I could use
some Berry Berry Kix cereal.

You know what?
They don't make that anymore.

Yeah, but could we
just find it?

Well, we can't.

What about pickles?
Can I have pickles?

It might be the cancer talking,

but that's pretty much
what I want.

Okay.
We don't have pickles right now.

Can you go get pickles?

You know, I went to the store
twice already today.

Pickles and apricot ice cream.

We have pretty much every
other flavor of ice cream,

if you want that.

But I want apricot.

That is a very harsh
sound in my ears.

How's the make a wish going?

I'm sure it's fine.
I'm sure they're on it.

Can you get them
on the phone now?

What I would love, Peter,
is ten minutes to myself.

Why do you need
so much time to yourself?

It's not like you have cancer.

Well, maybe I should
try to get cancer, Peter.

Why?
Nance.

Are you going up to the store?

Nance!

Cancer, Peter.

♪ contamination ♪

♪ contamination ♪

♪ total damnation, yeah ♪

♪ contamination ♪

♪ when you see the cloud ♪

♪ the disease is out ♪

♪ contamination ♪

So do I have cancer?

You are cancer-free.

What?
This isn't the face of cancer?

Come on!
I'm trying so hard!

I'll be back.
I'll be back with cancer.

Hope it works out.

Nurse, we should start
prepping the patient.

Okay,
can we slow down a second?

I just want
to find out about this heart

that's about to be in my body.

Um, who is this woman?

Was she a writer?
Was she a daredevil?

Was she a stunt woman?

I believe it was a man.

- Oh, absolutely not.
- No.

We will not put a man's organ
in a woman's body.

That's very unnatural.

What are you talking about?
A heart is a heart.

How do you know she won't grow
a scrotum with that heart?

I can promise you she's
not gonna grow a scrotum.

When you put a male organ
in a woman's cavity,

I'm pretty sure
that is penetration.

Okay.
Never mind with the heart.

Now, hold on a second.

I'd like to see it first,
if you don't mind.

I want to see it, too.

Oh, I thought it'd be more of

a sort of Valentine shape,
you know?

Me, too, with, like,
a little arrow going through it.

Close it up and put it back,
would you, please?

Oh, no, no, no.
That's mine, correct-- Legally?

Well, yes, you're
in line for it.

I was in line for it.

I waited a long time
in line, right?

You didn't wait at all.

You waited, like,
an hour for it.

We waited less than that.

Either way, I want it,

but we want it
in the garbage can right there.

- What?
- Throw it in the garbage.

Take the heart-- or we'll sue--

and put it in the trash.

Open it up and dump it.

Put that
in my body, walk around--

"Oh, when's the football game?
When's the football game?"

- Oh, boy.
- Listen, stop looking at that.

This is what you're gonna do.

Is there anything,
like, you know,

just experimental,
something untested.

Something, perhaps,
not from the US?

Perhaps Europe or Asia?

Let me make a call.

Yes. It's a go.

Thank you all for attending

this hastily-thrown-together
medical conference.

I'm here today to talk about
a very exciting

experimental medical procedure.

The animal-to-human
heart transplant.

As I said, it's experimental,

so we do not yet have the AMA
or the FDA approvals,

and there are some side effects,
but I think it's really worth it

for this lifesaving procedure.

Okay, primates.
98% match in the DNA.

Right there, you know you have
a good chance of success.

Yes, Toni?

Are there any side effects?

Sudden craving for a lot
of bananas-- and I mean a lot.

You start climbing around
the office area

cubicle to cubicle, you know.

People are gonna
get upset with you.

Now, this is a skunk, of course.

If you're gonna
get this transplant,

first of all,
it's a small heart,

and then you have to take
the odor sack with it.

They're connected with a vein
that you don't want to sever,

you have to keep the two intact,

but you're gonna have
a heart that works.

It works well.

Your octopus.
Eight arms and three hearts.

Three hearts?

You heard me right.

Can we just, maybe, chip in

three of us together?

We could get three hearts
from one octopus.

Does anyone want to join up?

We don't go in halfsies
or thirds on medical procedures,

but thank you.

Oh.

This has nothing
to do with the transplant,

but this is my cat,
and I took this this morning.

Is there anything cuter?

Is that cat available
for adoption?

Let's talk
after the conference.

Bears.
Big heart, robust heart,

but again, a lot of foraging,
and you may just be gone

from October until May.

So that concludes
the presentation.

We expect to have this ready
in 30 years.

30 years? I'm sorry.

That's a long time.
I can't wait that long.

Is there anything I can do?

If you're willing to sign
a release of liability

and put down a hefty deposit...

Yes. Yes, please.

We are. We are.

Next. Thank you very much.

Hey, thanks for waiting, guys.

We'll do this as quickly
as possible.

One at a time.

Thank you.

Great.
Use it in good health.

- All right, next.
- Hi.

Thanks for having exact change.
Appreciate it.

Thank you.

Hi, there.

Please have your money
ready, everybody.

Portland Police!

- What?
- What?

- Get the money.
- No, no, no-- The cow!

The cow, the cow! Go!

Stop, everybody! On the ground!

Get down! Get down!

Get on the ground!
Oh, come on.

This is illegal.

I feel great.

I am not tired at all.

Stop! Portland Police!

Come on! Come on! We got this.

You're under arrest
for unauthorized distribution

of unpasteurized milk!

I'm, like, enjoying running.

Thanks, raw milk.

Stay raw!

Oh, man. I'm out of it.

Maybe there is something
about that raw milk, but...

Damn it, it's against the law.

Nance, can I have
a foot massage?

And some corned beef hash?

Nance?

Nance Peterllini?

Nance?

Flight itinerary?
Who--

Who's going on a trip?

Portland to CNPP?

Chernobyl?

Whee!

Nance! Up here!

Pe-- Peter?

- Nance!
- Peter?

- Wait!
- Peter, why are you here?

- Nance!
- Hi! Uh!

- What are you doing?
- Why are you here?

- Hi.
- Hi.

- I'm Nance.
- Brigitte.

Oh, I've heard
so much about you.

Oh, you've got such
a wonderful husband, Nance.

Oh, well,
what are you doing here?

What are you doing here?
Chernobyl?

This is really dangerous.

You're gonna really
hurt yourself.

Well, I just felt terrible

that everything
wasn't working out,

and if you were gonna be sick,
I wanted to be sick.

No, Nance, that doesn't
make any sense whatsoever,

and I want you to be healthy
all the time.

I found out about
the Make A Wish foundation,

and they can't grant wishes
for someone my age.

I just-- I was so embarrassed
when I found out

that make a wish
wasn't going to help.

Guess what?
They all came through.

Michael Jordan called back
and he let me use a plane,

and then I combined my other
wishes of being in a poster

with Brigitte Nielsen
and skydiving!

This is my first time!
That was my first try!

It's all because of you.

You did it.

Oh, Peter. You're the best.

Just-- I don't want you to act
like a baby anymore, though.

I got greedy, and I'll never
do that to you again.

Let's make the most
of these 40 years, okay?

If you don't mind,
may I just say something?

You two just really need
to connect,

reach out, love each other,
like my husband and I.

We go to Italy,
we sit on the beach,

we eat the ravioli, we kiss,

we make love,
and we do it over and over--

But sorry, I don't want
to be in your way, okay?

Let's do that.

Let's eat ravioli and make love
over and over again.

That sounds
like a good plan, Nance.

- No more of this, okay?
- Okay.

Brigitte, I'm gonna
lean in for a kiss.

Okay.

Wow.

Oh, that's so Danish.

Mmm.

Hi, Toni.

Candace, you don't have to be
here so soon after your surgery.

I can run the store.

No, it's better
for me to be here,

and the procedure
was so easy...

And I actually feel 100%.

What are you doing?

Just-- little pieces of lint or
something-- it's-- never mind--

- I need to get off of you.
- Hey, you know what?

Stop picking on me.

Get it?

That's not just making sounds,

that's "Stay away from
my watering hole".

And how much does it cost
to get a watering hole installed?

If you have land big enough,
you can have a watering hole tomorrow.

Want to put a HDPE line or
High Density Polyethylene.

Write that down-- HDPE.

- I can get one for the store.
- Definitely.