Portlandia (2011–2018): Season 4, Episode 1 - Sharing Finances - full transcript
A young woman is haunted by very informed ghosts. Doug and Claire make a big commitment to one another. Kath and Dave make the most of fifteen minutes. Sandra finally finds a soulmate. Fred is visited by a Date Fact Checker.
Aunt Jane: Dear Kim I was ever
so looking forward to spending
the summer with you in Portland,
however I recently became
very ill and I have to seek
refuge at the Berndale Healing and
Retreat Center, I entrust you
with the house, the keys are
under the mat, feel free to take
any room of your choosing.
Help yourself to anything in the
kitchen and there is cable TV
in the bedroom upstairs, have
fun this summer, love Aunt Jane.
[Radio playing]
Kim: Hello?
[Clock ticking]
- Sitting kills...
- Who's there?
Humans weren't designed to sit.
What?
It takes years off your life...
We read it in the New York Times.
Ah!
Standing is bad for you too.
We heard it...
- On NPR.
- Ah!
[Barking]
***
Stretching.
Who's there?
Stretching is over rated, they
did a recent study, I read
it in the New York Times.
I read an article you are
supposed to exercise first
thing in the morning.
No no, that's because it's not
effective, you need to do it
at night.
You should read up on it.
It's a myth that drinking
water when you exercise is
good for you.
You can drown in electrolytes.
Atlantic Monthly,
June 12th, 2011
No, no, the electrolytes
might be good for you.
Too many electrolytes and your
body can literally...
You can never have enough
electrolytes...
- Yes you can...
- You can't.
- [Phone rings]
- Answer the phone.
Answer the phone.
You can't drown in electrolytes.
Absolutely you can.
- Hello?
- 7-3-2-K-6.
Aunt Jane?
Is that you?
7-3-2-K-6.
- Aunt Jane?
- [Choking]
Are you ok?
[Dark music]
_
Sleep kills.
So does lack of sleep.
Ah!
Don't confuse me!
Light bulbs mess up your eyes.
Stop it!
The sound is bad for your teeth.
What?
Wow, that was too bad.
She had a good life.
- Oh hey.
- Hey.
How are you doing?
Can I try it out now
because I'm a ghost now too?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Sure go ahead.
Alright um, drinking too much
fruit juice can lead to diabetes.
You want a reference, I
read it, I just read, or
- Oh.
- But kind of a vague source.
Ok, I feel like I can do this.
- Yeah.
- Um, I'm going to go inside.
- You cold?
- Freezing.
- Ok.
- Probably go through the wall.
It was nice to meet you.
You too.
[Glasses clink] - Cheers.
- Congratulations.
Oh wait, no no no no.
- I got it.
- This dinner is for you.
Come on.
Claire we're celebrating your
raise and your promotion
with head of business
affairs, what is it?
Yeah, head of business affairs.
How much was it?
It's $72.
Shut it, shut it.
Can we not do this right now?
This, I'm, I want to pay my half
of it. Dinner, I'm adding $35
to this. Look I got it all here
for the last four years.
That scarf, that sleeping bag,
the pinata, a dollar for that.
Italian plays we
went to, the cruise.
This has never been
an issue for me.
Huh, what's this? Oh that's that
beautiful necklace you bought
you, for your birthday.
That is on me.
I trust that you are going to
get things together.
I got a promotion, let me pay
for this.
No, I'm your guy, I want to
treat you. Like I'm supposed
to take you to dinner and I
don't want to here about it.
This is embarrassing me.
Stove? What the hell is stove?
- It's our stove
- $800.
I don't owe you the
whole 800 though?
You don't owe me any of it, I
wanted a nice stove.
I'll do 400 of that. But I owe
you now total $12,000
and 27 cents, I'm paying.
Baby, I have so much faith in
you, I want to feel like we
share things and we're equal, I
want to ask you, Douglas Daniel
Stalder, will you open a
joint-checking account with me?
Joining our finances?
Yeah, that's what I want more
than anything.
Will you say yes?
Yes.
I'm so happy right now.
I am too, you want to put our
bank accounts together.
Yeah.
Just me and you.
Sweetie, it's ok,
it's going to be so good.
Our bank accounts are going to
be together, we're joining
finances. Our accounts
are going to be the same.
You know what this is done.
I'm going to have to
add Kleenex to this.
[Music]
Alright, downtown parking should
not be a problem for me because
I practically grew up downtown.
We both did.
You know something, I've never
paid full price for a parking
spot. I can actually feel the
street and I know where not to
park, where to park, I'm just
not one of those people who just
goes into a lot and pays some
valet guy, I mean I just...
[Gun cocks]
[Laser]
Ah, there's one.
Hydrant, damn it.
Employee parking, visitor
parking.
Is that a meter?
That's bike parking.
That's for church only.
That's religious discrimination.
[Indistinct dialog]
What!
- 55, oh.
- No it is, it adds up to $55.
Come on.
No thanks.
Sorry buddy.
Huh, yes, a spot, there's a
spot.
Oh it's a 15 minute limit.
Think I can get all our downtown
stuff done in time.
Ok, 15 minutes, let's go.
Hurry we only have 15 minutes.
Art Museum, that's great.
- Landscape.
- Very rich colors, green, blue
- white.
- Juxtaposition, pre and post
industrialization.
I understand it,
do you understand?
I totally do.
- Great
- Got it, see it, ah huh, get it.
We still have 10 more minutes.
We have time to see my cousin's
baby,
- Let's do it!
- Let's go!
Hi, oh, congratulations on your
baby, oh, look how cute...
Oh, she's very cute.
- She looks just like you.
- She have your eyes.
- [Chuckles]
- Nice baby.
You know what we have
three more minutes.
Oh my God the molecular
gastronomy restaurant let's go.
Waiter.
- What is that ice cream?
- I think it's foam.
Tastes like tacos.
I'm never going to think of
food the same way again.
We should have a
molecular Thanksgiving.
The turkey will look
like an ice cream Sunday.
It will take up so
much room on the table.
We're like in a
science fiction movie.
- I will wear silver.
- I will wear clear.
- Let's go.
- Thank you.
Ah that was delicious.
[Beep]
Two more minutes!
Oh Glen is in the hospital.
Oh wow Glen how are you feeling?
- Glen I'm so sorry
- How's the food here?
Not that great, get better. Ok.
- Woo!
- You know what, we have
45 more seconds.
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
[Car squeaking]
[Beep]
They made it.
Well this is me.
Alright, well I had a really
great time.
Me too.
- Right.
- Bye.
I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Ok.
Can I help you?
I'm a date fact checker. I'm
here to corroborate some
of the evidence you presented at
the dinner meeting.
Right around the appetizers you
guys started talking about the
indie hit Juno.
Yeah.
She said she hated it.
Yeah, that's right
I remember that.
And you said "Yeah, that movie is
insufferable pap".
What I have here is some MySpace
blogs sent out in 2007, you said
you ordered a hamburger phone
right away.
I remember at the time when it
came out I enjoyed it.
So which is it?
I loved the movie and then
tonight as we were talking.
Maybe she had a point in the
reason that she didn't, how
about her was she being honest?
She is not on deposition here.
You said that your favorite show
is Breaking Bad when in reality
you've never seen an episode and
you are still catching up on
True Blood.
And?
Do you know Breaking Bad?
What it represents in television
is pretty cool.
Alright, great. Um you told
her...
Does she not want to date me?
She likes you...
Then what's the problem?
You know how women are right?
It's like "Oh don't lie to me".
[Dial tone]
- Ms. Armisen?
Ms. Armisen: - Yes
Why are you calling my mom?
Around the second course Fred
claimed that he had a pretty
messed up childhood, is that
accurate?
I've never heard that before.
Fred is that true?
They didn't support my music.
They bought you a drum kit, I
have the receipt right here.
I love you Freddy.
Can I say one thing?
About my date because I think
she's a very special person.
I think she's got a great sense
of humor and I think she is
very funny.
Ok, that was not a question or
anything, I don't know why you
said that. I'm actually going to
stop. Rewind.
You can't do that.
Record over that. Please do not
reference that anymore because
it's already gone.
During desert the band TV on the
radio came on and you stated
that you know those guys.
Yeah, TV on the radio.
Tunde.
[Music]
Hey!
Tunde: Hi nice to meet you.
No, not meet you I,
we've... Woops.
Would you say you're friends
with this man?
No.
Remember we took all of those
pictures together.
Thank you Tunde that's enough.
Can you go wait in the car, please.
[Music]
He's the coolest, man. He's an
awesome dude. He is just one of
those guys, you know you're like
"Oh if I want to do this I'll
go with Tunde".
Great.
Alright, well, you look over the
score just above a sex grifter
but not dangerous.
Do I ask you for another date,
how does this work?
Weirdly you do ask me and I'll
convey the message to her.
- Thank you.
- Oh no problem.
I just love spicy food.
I love spicy food.
You do?
I mean actually I don't love
spicy food because it burns
my tongue I prefer mild.
Oh, ok.
Just forget it. I'm really sorry
I can't do this.
I, you know I just... I want
someone who accepts me for
the kind of, like, fake at first
a little bit, but then gets
gradually more and more honest
as the relationship goes on.
It's the kind of guy that I am.
Thank you ma'am,
that actually checks out.
[Music]
Oh ok, so Claire, it looks
like you have about $18,000
in savings. Plus you're a
homeowner. Which is great.
Doug you have about $10,000 in
debt.
And it looks like $600 in
unpaid parking tickets.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's get on that.
That's been something...
We have to. Yeah, we're going to
work on that. So sorry.
Please tell them I'm sorry. Ok,
send them my apologies.
I don't know them but...
Let them know that I've thought
about it. And I will certainly
get it to them as soon as I get
it. I appreciate them.
As someone who works at a bank.
I would tell you.
Um, I 100% advise against you
guys joining accounts.
Because what will most
likely happen is it will
run your credit into the
ground. But, my job is about
making you guys happy. If you
guys want to open a joint
checking account. By all means.
Let's do it.
What was she saying to you?
She says she supports it.
With very strong reservations.
Actually I don't support it.
But I'll do it.
Ok, I know what it looks like
from a financial perspective.
You have this huge disparity.
Where I'm the bread winner and
I'm making money.
And this guy isn't.
This is something that's going
to help us. And it's going
to help our relationship.
And I can't imagine that
you're in a relationship.
But, if you were you'd
understand that they're not
just about finances. Cuz we're
actually in a very equal and
loving relationship and Doug
brings a lot to the table.
I set-up the whole entertainment
system, ok?
These are wireless speakers not
cables and you know, I would say
wireless. Like I got the speaker
in the bedroom.
Yeah, and depending on what you
press you can be listening to
music in the kitchen or you can
be listening to music in the
- bedroom.
- You listen to different music
- in two different rooms?
- No.
Whatever it looks like on
paper. Just know for us that's
- not how it feels.
- Ok. You are now the proud owners
of a joint banking account.
Oh, wow, wonderful. Oh wait,
this is your card.
Oh, this is yours.
It's like we're exchanging
rings.
- This is sweet. - Yeah, are you married?
- I wanna try this.
- I'm not married.
- Are you single?
- Yes. - Thank you.
- Thank you.
I'm so psyched. Now don't, I'm
barely going to use this.
This is like.
Oh my God Doug, what the hell?
Haha, it's a hot tub!
[Music]
We own this.
When I
get back this hot tub is gone.
I can't hear you because of the
bubbles.
- I am so mad at you.
- Why are you mad at me?
[Birds chirping]
[Upbeat music]
Friends are free for the making.
That's so sweet.
[Upbeat music] _
- That just made my day.
- Yeah.
- Smiling is contagious.
- That's new one.
- It's true, there he is.
- It is.
- Oh where?
- Right there.
Oh I see, yeah, with the mustache.
I like your messages.
I like your mustache.
You should introduce yourself.
No.
Oh come on.
Those are great signs.
Yeah, he must be a
really nice guy.
[Upbeat music]
_
_
Hello?
Hello?
- Hi.
- Hi.
Are the guy that's
writing these signs?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's really
meant a lot to me.
Huh?
It's cheered me up and giving me
a sense of purpose.
They send a fax everyday and I
have to write down what they
wrote here and I have
to put it on the board.
What is it for?
It's a marketing company, I
don't know, they told
me to do it.
Which company is it?
I don't know. Oh
they have a card.
It's a free card
to you can take it.
Thank you.
They're downtown.
Ok, well I guess I'll head down
there and found out who is
actually generating the sayings.
Excuse me, hi I was wondering
if you knew who was doing the
marketing campaign with the
chalk board in my neighborhood.
Oh, yeah, that's Adam's account.
I can get him for you.
No that account bounced around a
little, I think it was Steve.
He's upstairs.
Well technically I did
approve them, but why did
you have a complaint?
No it's the opposite of a
complaint, who is ever writing
this, it's like he's writing
directly to me, like he's
touching my soul, it's perfect
for my life right now.
Ok, how about you
head down the stairs...
Hello Sandra
Wait who said that?
Are you talking to me?
Yes it's me.
You? You are the one that's been
writing all the messages?
It's too hard to explain, it's
kind of a version of product
placement, I gather it's
been working, sorry if
it was misleading.
That's ok I mean the messages
were so specific it just felt
so attuned to who I am and what
I need and what all my desires
are, so...
Sandra I've been tracking all of
your online shopping.
Are you talking about
Kermit the bag?
Yes, I am referring to
Kermit the bag.
You are the only one that's ever
noticed it before.
You are a great person.
I finally felt like I found the
right guy, for once imagined
my life not alone.
Sandra, I am unable to love.
Well I feel enough
for both of us.
Is it ok if I just give you a
quick kiss goodbye?
Yes.
[Music]
I love you.
- Do you understand it?
- No.
Me neither, I don't know
why they are doing it, they were
nice before but now it's just,
that's just coo coo.
- I don't like it.
- Yes!
The other one were
pretty uplifting.
[Music]
I'm the luckiest
person alive, yes!
Oh my God.
Shut up you crazy bitch!
So I understand you
want to return a hot tub.
No that is not the case at
all, I'm very happy with it.
That was me, thanks
you coming, I called...
First of all welcome
back from work.
Well do you have a receipt?
Do you have the receipt Doug?
Yes.
On you?
Yeah, haha.
Ok, anyway, we need to
return this hot tub.
Sorry no receipt, no return.
Come on this is like an
investment, you know we bought
it so that we can
have it for us.
We didn't buy it, you bought it
and I have not used it.
Nor do I want to, nor do I think
it's a practical purchase.
You want to return the tub for
financial reasons?
Ah, yes.
That's what she wants to do. But
here is the deal... we have a
joint account, ok? I'm not going
to say who is in charge of
the account or who is bringing
in most of the money, it's
goes like this. At the moment I
thought it would be a good
investment for us to have a hot
tub because it a sort of
relaxing investment. Am I
correct about this?
Oh he's right, recent studies
have shown that ancient studies
have been confirmed that hot
tubs can significantly
increase your income.
Wait I'm sorry.
It can increase
your income because...
Recent studies have shown that
ancient studies?
You see the actual hot tub
movement began ancient centuries
ago amongst the Japanese
merchants who bathed in the
Onsen, it will improve your
financial situation.
It's like an investment, you
know all the really rich
societies like the Greeks, the
Ancient Greeks used to have
hot tubs and spas and the Romans
and they were like the biggest
thinkers in history.
They were known for hot tubs?
They were known for bathing.
Hm, I didn't know that and I
don't think you know that either.
I do know it, from
school, also from you know
drawings and etchings.
Stick your finger in, just take
a dip, just dip the tip.
[Music]
I think see found the sweet
spot, so what I want to do is
I want to move you up to the
super regal model of hot tubs.
How much more is it?
Well it's about $4,000 more.
It is very warm.
Doug I love this. Thank you so
much. I'm sorry I
doubted you hun.
Well it's ok, I got myself a
little something too.
You did?
What is it?
Oh, Doug.
[Music]
Huh?
God damn it Doug.
Hey Clair.
Right?
[Music]
By the way I loved that movie.
That's great.
I saw it as this is what would
happen if a high school girl
got pregnant.
At the time there weren't a lot
of movies like that.
No it's a good movie.
Because you are sitting there
watching it and you're just
enjoying it, that's
all a movie has to do.
Yea, I know, for me it was more
then that, I saw it as, oh Ellen
Page, arrival of a star.
That's what I said.
On this deposition he did lie
about not liking Juno.
so looking forward to spending
the summer with you in Portland,
however I recently became
very ill and I have to seek
refuge at the Berndale Healing and
Retreat Center, I entrust you
with the house, the keys are
under the mat, feel free to take
any room of your choosing.
Help yourself to anything in the
kitchen and there is cable TV
in the bedroom upstairs, have
fun this summer, love Aunt Jane.
[Radio playing]
Kim: Hello?
[Clock ticking]
- Sitting kills...
- Who's there?
Humans weren't designed to sit.
What?
It takes years off your life...
We read it in the New York Times.
Ah!
Standing is bad for you too.
We heard it...
- On NPR.
- Ah!
[Barking]
***
Stretching.
Who's there?
Stretching is over rated, they
did a recent study, I read
it in the New York Times.
I read an article you are
supposed to exercise first
thing in the morning.
No no, that's because it's not
effective, you need to do it
at night.
You should read up on it.
It's a myth that drinking
water when you exercise is
good for you.
You can drown in electrolytes.
Atlantic Monthly,
June 12th, 2011
No, no, the electrolytes
might be good for you.
Too many electrolytes and your
body can literally...
You can never have enough
electrolytes...
- Yes you can...
- You can't.
- [Phone rings]
- Answer the phone.
Answer the phone.
You can't drown in electrolytes.
Absolutely you can.
- Hello?
- 7-3-2-K-6.
Aunt Jane?
Is that you?
7-3-2-K-6.
- Aunt Jane?
- [Choking]
Are you ok?
[Dark music]
_
Sleep kills.
So does lack of sleep.
Ah!
Don't confuse me!
Light bulbs mess up your eyes.
Stop it!
The sound is bad for your teeth.
What?
Wow, that was too bad.
She had a good life.
- Oh hey.
- Hey.
How are you doing?
Can I try it out now
because I'm a ghost now too?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Sure go ahead.
Alright um, drinking too much
fruit juice can lead to diabetes.
You want a reference, I
read it, I just read, or
- Oh.
- But kind of a vague source.
Ok, I feel like I can do this.
- Yeah.
- Um, I'm going to go inside.
- You cold?
- Freezing.
- Ok.
- Probably go through the wall.
It was nice to meet you.
You too.
[Glasses clink] - Cheers.
- Congratulations.
Oh wait, no no no no.
- I got it.
- This dinner is for you.
Come on.
Claire we're celebrating your
raise and your promotion
with head of business
affairs, what is it?
Yeah, head of business affairs.
How much was it?
It's $72.
Shut it, shut it.
Can we not do this right now?
This, I'm, I want to pay my half
of it. Dinner, I'm adding $35
to this. Look I got it all here
for the last four years.
That scarf, that sleeping bag,
the pinata, a dollar for that.
Italian plays we
went to, the cruise.
This has never been
an issue for me.
Huh, what's this? Oh that's that
beautiful necklace you bought
you, for your birthday.
That is on me.
I trust that you are going to
get things together.
I got a promotion, let me pay
for this.
No, I'm your guy, I want to
treat you. Like I'm supposed
to take you to dinner and I
don't want to here about it.
This is embarrassing me.
Stove? What the hell is stove?
- It's our stove
- $800.
I don't owe you the
whole 800 though?
You don't owe me any of it, I
wanted a nice stove.
I'll do 400 of that. But I owe
you now total $12,000
and 27 cents, I'm paying.
Baby, I have so much faith in
you, I want to feel like we
share things and we're equal, I
want to ask you, Douglas Daniel
Stalder, will you open a
joint-checking account with me?
Joining our finances?
Yeah, that's what I want more
than anything.
Will you say yes?
Yes.
I'm so happy right now.
I am too, you want to put our
bank accounts together.
Yeah.
Just me and you.
Sweetie, it's ok,
it's going to be so good.
Our bank accounts are going to
be together, we're joining
finances. Our accounts
are going to be the same.
You know what this is done.
I'm going to have to
add Kleenex to this.
[Music]
Alright, downtown parking should
not be a problem for me because
I practically grew up downtown.
We both did.
You know something, I've never
paid full price for a parking
spot. I can actually feel the
street and I know where not to
park, where to park, I'm just
not one of those people who just
goes into a lot and pays some
valet guy, I mean I just...
[Gun cocks]
[Laser]
Ah, there's one.
Hydrant, damn it.
Employee parking, visitor
parking.
Is that a meter?
That's bike parking.
That's for church only.
That's religious discrimination.
[Indistinct dialog]
What!
- 55, oh.
- No it is, it adds up to $55.
Come on.
No thanks.
Sorry buddy.
Huh, yes, a spot, there's a
spot.
Oh it's a 15 minute limit.
Think I can get all our downtown
stuff done in time.
Ok, 15 minutes, let's go.
Hurry we only have 15 minutes.
Art Museum, that's great.
- Landscape.
- Very rich colors, green, blue
- white.
- Juxtaposition, pre and post
industrialization.
I understand it,
do you understand?
I totally do.
- Great
- Got it, see it, ah huh, get it.
We still have 10 more minutes.
We have time to see my cousin's
baby,
- Let's do it!
- Let's go!
Hi, oh, congratulations on your
baby, oh, look how cute...
Oh, she's very cute.
- She looks just like you.
- She have your eyes.
- [Chuckles]
- Nice baby.
You know what we have
three more minutes.
Oh my God the molecular
gastronomy restaurant let's go.
Waiter.
- What is that ice cream?
- I think it's foam.
Tastes like tacos.
I'm never going to think of
food the same way again.
We should have a
molecular Thanksgiving.
The turkey will look
like an ice cream Sunday.
It will take up so
much room on the table.
We're like in a
science fiction movie.
- I will wear silver.
- I will wear clear.
- Let's go.
- Thank you.
Ah that was delicious.
[Beep]
Two more minutes!
Oh Glen is in the hospital.
Oh wow Glen how are you feeling?
- Glen I'm so sorry
- How's the food here?
Not that great, get better. Ok.
- Woo!
- You know what, we have
45 more seconds.
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
[Car squeaking]
[Beep]
They made it.
Well this is me.
Alright, well I had a really
great time.
Me too.
- Right.
- Bye.
I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Ok.
Can I help you?
I'm a date fact checker. I'm
here to corroborate some
of the evidence you presented at
the dinner meeting.
Right around the appetizers you
guys started talking about the
indie hit Juno.
Yeah.
She said she hated it.
Yeah, that's right
I remember that.
And you said "Yeah, that movie is
insufferable pap".
What I have here is some MySpace
blogs sent out in 2007, you said
you ordered a hamburger phone
right away.
I remember at the time when it
came out I enjoyed it.
So which is it?
I loved the movie and then
tonight as we were talking.
Maybe she had a point in the
reason that she didn't, how
about her was she being honest?
She is not on deposition here.
You said that your favorite show
is Breaking Bad when in reality
you've never seen an episode and
you are still catching up on
True Blood.
And?
Do you know Breaking Bad?
What it represents in television
is pretty cool.
Alright, great. Um you told
her...
Does she not want to date me?
She likes you...
Then what's the problem?
You know how women are right?
It's like "Oh don't lie to me".
[Dial tone]
- Ms. Armisen?
Ms. Armisen: - Yes
Why are you calling my mom?
Around the second course Fred
claimed that he had a pretty
messed up childhood, is that
accurate?
I've never heard that before.
Fred is that true?
They didn't support my music.
They bought you a drum kit, I
have the receipt right here.
I love you Freddy.
Can I say one thing?
About my date because I think
she's a very special person.
I think she's got a great sense
of humor and I think she is
very funny.
Ok, that was not a question or
anything, I don't know why you
said that. I'm actually going to
stop. Rewind.
You can't do that.
Record over that. Please do not
reference that anymore because
it's already gone.
During desert the band TV on the
radio came on and you stated
that you know those guys.
Yeah, TV on the radio.
Tunde.
[Music]
Hey!
Tunde: Hi nice to meet you.
No, not meet you I,
we've... Woops.
Would you say you're friends
with this man?
No.
Remember we took all of those
pictures together.
Thank you Tunde that's enough.
Can you go wait in the car, please.
[Music]
He's the coolest, man. He's an
awesome dude. He is just one of
those guys, you know you're like
"Oh if I want to do this I'll
go with Tunde".
Great.
Alright, well, you look over the
score just above a sex grifter
but not dangerous.
Do I ask you for another date,
how does this work?
Weirdly you do ask me and I'll
convey the message to her.
- Thank you.
- Oh no problem.
I just love spicy food.
I love spicy food.
You do?
I mean actually I don't love
spicy food because it burns
my tongue I prefer mild.
Oh, ok.
Just forget it. I'm really sorry
I can't do this.
I, you know I just... I want
someone who accepts me for
the kind of, like, fake at first
a little bit, but then gets
gradually more and more honest
as the relationship goes on.
It's the kind of guy that I am.
Thank you ma'am,
that actually checks out.
[Music]
Oh ok, so Claire, it looks
like you have about $18,000
in savings. Plus you're a
homeowner. Which is great.
Doug you have about $10,000 in
debt.
And it looks like $600 in
unpaid parking tickets.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's get on that.
That's been something...
We have to. Yeah, we're going to
work on that. So sorry.
Please tell them I'm sorry. Ok,
send them my apologies.
I don't know them but...
Let them know that I've thought
about it. And I will certainly
get it to them as soon as I get
it. I appreciate them.
As someone who works at a bank.
I would tell you.
Um, I 100% advise against you
guys joining accounts.
Because what will most
likely happen is it will
run your credit into the
ground. But, my job is about
making you guys happy. If you
guys want to open a joint
checking account. By all means.
Let's do it.
What was she saying to you?
She says she supports it.
With very strong reservations.
Actually I don't support it.
But I'll do it.
Ok, I know what it looks like
from a financial perspective.
You have this huge disparity.
Where I'm the bread winner and
I'm making money.
And this guy isn't.
This is something that's going
to help us. And it's going
to help our relationship.
And I can't imagine that
you're in a relationship.
But, if you were you'd
understand that they're not
just about finances. Cuz we're
actually in a very equal and
loving relationship and Doug
brings a lot to the table.
I set-up the whole entertainment
system, ok?
These are wireless speakers not
cables and you know, I would say
wireless. Like I got the speaker
in the bedroom.
Yeah, and depending on what you
press you can be listening to
music in the kitchen or you can
be listening to music in the
- bedroom.
- You listen to different music
- in two different rooms?
- No.
Whatever it looks like on
paper. Just know for us that's
- not how it feels.
- Ok. You are now the proud owners
of a joint banking account.
Oh, wow, wonderful. Oh wait,
this is your card.
Oh, this is yours.
It's like we're exchanging
rings.
- This is sweet. - Yeah, are you married?
- I wanna try this.
- I'm not married.
- Are you single?
- Yes. - Thank you.
- Thank you.
I'm so psyched. Now don't, I'm
barely going to use this.
This is like.
Oh my God Doug, what the hell?
Haha, it's a hot tub!
[Music]
We own this.
When I
get back this hot tub is gone.
I can't hear you because of the
bubbles.
- I am so mad at you.
- Why are you mad at me?
[Birds chirping]
[Upbeat music]
Friends are free for the making.
That's so sweet.
[Upbeat music] _
- That just made my day.
- Yeah.
- Smiling is contagious.
- That's new one.
- It's true, there he is.
- It is.
- Oh where?
- Right there.
Oh I see, yeah, with the mustache.
I like your messages.
I like your mustache.
You should introduce yourself.
No.
Oh come on.
Those are great signs.
Yeah, he must be a
really nice guy.
[Upbeat music]
_
_
Hello?
Hello?
- Hi.
- Hi.
Are the guy that's
writing these signs?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's really
meant a lot to me.
Huh?
It's cheered me up and giving me
a sense of purpose.
They send a fax everyday and I
have to write down what they
wrote here and I have
to put it on the board.
What is it for?
It's a marketing company, I
don't know, they told
me to do it.
Which company is it?
I don't know. Oh
they have a card.
It's a free card
to you can take it.
Thank you.
They're downtown.
Ok, well I guess I'll head down
there and found out who is
actually generating the sayings.
Excuse me, hi I was wondering
if you knew who was doing the
marketing campaign with the
chalk board in my neighborhood.
Oh, yeah, that's Adam's account.
I can get him for you.
No that account bounced around a
little, I think it was Steve.
He's upstairs.
Well technically I did
approve them, but why did
you have a complaint?
No it's the opposite of a
complaint, who is ever writing
this, it's like he's writing
directly to me, like he's
touching my soul, it's perfect
for my life right now.
Ok, how about you
head down the stairs...
Hello Sandra
Wait who said that?
Are you talking to me?
Yes it's me.
You? You are the one that's been
writing all the messages?
It's too hard to explain, it's
kind of a version of product
placement, I gather it's
been working, sorry if
it was misleading.
That's ok I mean the messages
were so specific it just felt
so attuned to who I am and what
I need and what all my desires
are, so...
Sandra I've been tracking all of
your online shopping.
Are you talking about
Kermit the bag?
Yes, I am referring to
Kermit the bag.
You are the only one that's ever
noticed it before.
You are a great person.
I finally felt like I found the
right guy, for once imagined
my life not alone.
Sandra, I am unable to love.
Well I feel enough
for both of us.
Is it ok if I just give you a
quick kiss goodbye?
Yes.
[Music]
I love you.
- Do you understand it?
- No.
Me neither, I don't know
why they are doing it, they were
nice before but now it's just,
that's just coo coo.
- I don't like it.
- Yes!
The other one were
pretty uplifting.
[Music]
I'm the luckiest
person alive, yes!
Oh my God.
Shut up you crazy bitch!
So I understand you
want to return a hot tub.
No that is not the case at
all, I'm very happy with it.
That was me, thanks
you coming, I called...
First of all welcome
back from work.
Well do you have a receipt?
Do you have the receipt Doug?
Yes.
On you?
Yeah, haha.
Ok, anyway, we need to
return this hot tub.
Sorry no receipt, no return.
Come on this is like an
investment, you know we bought
it so that we can
have it for us.
We didn't buy it, you bought it
and I have not used it.
Nor do I want to, nor do I think
it's a practical purchase.
You want to return the tub for
financial reasons?
Ah, yes.
That's what she wants to do. But
here is the deal... we have a
joint account, ok? I'm not going
to say who is in charge of
the account or who is bringing
in most of the money, it's
goes like this. At the moment I
thought it would be a good
investment for us to have a hot
tub because it a sort of
relaxing investment. Am I
correct about this?
Oh he's right, recent studies
have shown that ancient studies
have been confirmed that hot
tubs can significantly
increase your income.
Wait I'm sorry.
It can increase
your income because...
Recent studies have shown that
ancient studies?
You see the actual hot tub
movement began ancient centuries
ago amongst the Japanese
merchants who bathed in the
Onsen, it will improve your
financial situation.
It's like an investment, you
know all the really rich
societies like the Greeks, the
Ancient Greeks used to have
hot tubs and spas and the Romans
and they were like the biggest
thinkers in history.
They were known for hot tubs?
They were known for bathing.
Hm, I didn't know that and I
don't think you know that either.
I do know it, from
school, also from you know
drawings and etchings.
Stick your finger in, just take
a dip, just dip the tip.
[Music]
I think see found the sweet
spot, so what I want to do is
I want to move you up to the
super regal model of hot tubs.
How much more is it?
Well it's about $4,000 more.
It is very warm.
Doug I love this. Thank you so
much. I'm sorry I
doubted you hun.
Well it's ok, I got myself a
little something too.
You did?
What is it?
Oh, Doug.
[Music]
Huh?
God damn it Doug.
Hey Clair.
Right?
[Music]
By the way I loved that movie.
That's great.
I saw it as this is what would
happen if a high school girl
got pregnant.
At the time there weren't a lot
of movies like that.
No it's a good movie.
Because you are sitting there
watching it and you're just
enjoying it, that's
all a movie has to do.
Yea, I know, for me it was more
then that, I saw it as, oh Ellen
Page, arrival of a star.
That's what I said.
On this deposition he did lie
about not liking Juno.