Portlandia (2011–2018): Season 3, Episode 1 - Winter in Portlandia - full transcript

[Man on radio] Weather
forecast-- should

be another gray,
drizzly morning,

high in the low '40s.

By afternoon we may get a
glimpse of the sun

but don't get your
hopes up too high.

We've still got another
eight months of winter.

[People cheering]

- Hi. Hello.
- [Woman] Hey, guys.

This is like the only patch
of light in the entire city.

- Summer is here!
- [Woman] Yes!

[Man] Winter rain,
we're through with you.



I'm so excited to not be
depressed for like six months.

- Me too. And--
- Wait.

Oh. Oh. Oh, well, it was
good to see you guys.

I'm on three antidepressants.
In the summer I just go down to one.

[Woman] I'm so tired of
Portland in the winter.

Hey, guys, right there! Go!

[Reggae music playing]

I'm already getting dark.
Look at this. Do I look tan?

A little bit.

- [Man] Yum!
- Whoo!

Aww!

Damn! Oh, well.
Oh, right there!

It's back!

[Horn honks]
[Man] Hey! Sun!



Yes, you have a car and you exist.
We are really intimidated--

What? Come on!

Oh, man.

It's freezing.

Hey, guys, look,
across the way right there!

[Woman] That's my spot!

[Man] Down!

Fly south for the winter!
What are they doing?

[Screams]

[Theme music plays]

- Hey, Nance?
- Yeah, hon?

Am I fat?

I don't think so.

How's my profile?

Honey, it's fine.

What if I'm always
looking up all the time?

That'll be better, right?

I wouldn't be able to tell.
You're just always the same Peter to me.

Does my voice sound fat?
Do I have a fat mouth?

- I'm gonna go behind the sheet, okay?
- [Woman] Okay, yeah.

And you've got to tell me honestly
if you see a chubby person

or a skinny person, okay?
If I look normal or anything like that.

Sure thing, hon.

- Okay. Be objective.
- Okay.

- Hon?
- Yeah?

[Gasps]

- It's true.
- What?

You are fat.
[Cries]

- I'm so sorry.
- You see that I don't eat cakes, and--

and and and and--

and and and and--

and and and and and ice cream!

I mean, all we do is
chow down on pasta.

"When you eat pasta you
are essentially sending

a hormonal message
to your body saying,

'pack on more fat'."

- That's what's happening.
- Hmm.

So even without cakes
and chocolate,

pasta itself turns into
sugars in your body.

That's what makes you
gain all the weight.

- That's it. We're throwing our pasta out.
- All pastas.

Lasagna! All of it!

We're done. All of this stuff.

Oh, no! No!
No no no no no!

Let's just have it
so we can look at it.

No. We're cutting it out of our diet.
We are done with pasta.

We are done with spaghetti, we are
done with linguini, fettuccini--

- Fettuccini doesn't count.
- It absolutely counts.

We're gonna eat vegetables,
we're gonna eat protein,

I'm gonna make chicken
and asparagus... [Echoing]

We're gonna lose weight...

No more pasta.

Let's just have a bowl of spaghetti.
Come on.

- No.
- What happened to you?

No more pasta for you or me.

[Whining]
Okay? It's over. We're done.

[Whining]

Okay.

I think everything
looks really nice.

Me too. It's gonna be
a really nice Christmas.

- Stockings out.
- I know. Thank you for making one for me.

- I've actually used those as shoes.
- Okay.

My son is just coming by.
Did I tell you that?

Robert?

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.

- This is really good, by the way.
- What is it?

It's sort of unsweetened
maple syrup.

- There he is.
- How are you?

[Whispers]
[Woman] Come and say hi.

Come and say hi.
Why are you being so rude?

Happy holidays.
It's good to see you.

I didn't know you had
a child, Robert.

Yeah, I had a baby
three months ago.

- You didn't say anything.
- I did.

You didn't.
Look, I'm trying to go shopping.

I've got to get
something for Valerie.

Can you just please watch the
baby for a couple of minutes?

We're watching it right now.

Yeah. You know--

by watching, I don't mean
just physically watching it.

Like, I'm gonna leave--

Always new information with you,
always some new spin on it.

Why don't you get something
here in our store--

- Why don't you buy--
- for Valerie.

There's nothing here
for Valerie.

- You want this vagina pillow?
- I don't. We have so many.

We have 13 vagina pillows.

My entire bed looks like a
bunch of women exploded on it.

That's one room.

So there's other rooms in
the house that you could--

Just give each other vagina
pillows every Christmas?

I don't need a vagina pillow.

- No one does.
- And especially for the little one.

The little one does not
need a vagina pillow.

He doesn't need one.

Bob, we don't want to know
the gender of the baby.

We don't want to know the sex
and you know that.

I don't know your gender, I don't
know Candace's, I don't know mine.

- You don't know my gender?
- I don't.

- Do I look like a woman?
- I don't know what a woman looks like.

Do you?

I just feel like I'm good at
recognizing a woman when I see one.

What are you? Are you a detective?
A gender detective?

- No. I just--
- Lifting up skirts and pulling down pants

and just getting in there
with your magnifying glass?

I've never done that.

I didn't even consider
your gender.

- I know. You still don't.
- I've accepted it now.

I accept you're a man.
I accept you have a penis.

That doesn't mean it's
gonna stay that way.

Excuse me?

Is there a problem?
We can discuss our whole

family history right
now if you want, Bob.

I don't think that
would be appropriate.

That's your father talking.

That is your dis--

--gusting father.

I'm sorry. I didn't--

I don't know why you're mad.

I raised you right.
Do you remember?

I do.

I definitely kept it fuzzy when
it came to what gender you are.

Not raising you by any kind
of binary gender code.

Do you remember I'd dress you up
in a ballerina costume one day,

and the next one
a sailor outfit?

So confusing.

All of our world's geniuses
were confused.

Einstein was very confused,
he said.

Was Einstein a man or a woman?

He turned out to be a man
because of the mustache.

That was the giveaway.

Even a woman can not
have a mustache that...

- ...thick.
- That's a true fact.

I'm proud of you.
You know that, right?

Even though you're a man.

I can't change that.

You can, actually.

I know. I probably won't
this late in the game.

- Yes, we'll watch the baby.
- Thank you.

- [Baby crying]
- Something stinks a little bit.

- Do you smell that?
- Yeah. Okay, well.

Some diapers.

Okay, we have to do this without

finding out what the
gender is, okay?

- Shhh.
- Shhh. Okay,

hello there.

- [Baby crying]
- Almost there--

- Oh!
- Agh!

I was it. I'm it.
I'm down.

Oh, we have to get
paper towels. Ugh!

Stay there. Don't move.
Oh, God!

[Baby crying]

[Baby sighs with relief]

Let's order something out.
It's going to take 40 minutes.

I say burgers. I had salad on
Monday and I was mad at my salad.

It was like not eating.

You live across the street
from a dump!

[All laughing]

[Clock ticking slowly]

It's nap time for you, James.

Here you go. What did
you have for lunch?

- I had burgers.
- Oh, dear. It's gonna be a long nap then.

She'll call you back.

Here you go. Take
a nice long nap.

You're probably the least productive
person in the office anyhow.

Good boy.

[Alarm beeping]

Open up.

Come on, wake up.

[Woman yelling]

How much did you let him eat?

I don't know.
A couple burgers.

He's in a food coma,
that's what.

[Man] I love you, Chad.
Good boss.

I still get Friday off, right?

- Hi! I'm Brice Shivers.
- And I'm Lisa Eve--

I have glasses now. Thinking
of going away for the winter?

- Take a break at the Outlet Hotel.
- Outlets!

You know in other hotels you
have to look for the outlets?

You have to pull furniture
back from the wall.

- We have so many outlets!
- There's a lot of outlets.

We have plenty of power.

And we pass on the expense to you.
[Cash register dings]

Look, I don't even have
to reach across the room.

I can charge it right here.

Are these glasses good?
I feel like I'm trying too hard.

No, it is trying
really, really hard.

When we bought the hotel, the
carpet was old and disgusting.

- But we left that.
- It stinks.

There are stains
I can't identify.

But they have a lot
of outlets. A lot.

You can plug anything in, even a
seasonal affective disorder lamp.

- Is that helping, Bryce?
- Now I'm happier, because of the light.

Bryce gets depressed
in the winter.

Yeah.

You know.

Plugs!

- Wash my hands.
- Oh--

No. No, no.

I'm yelling at myself.

I'm checking out. Room 402.
This says $407.

- Outlets aren't cheap.
- Yeah.

When we run this credit
card, that's a $2.00 charge--

Sure.

- For the electricity.
- For the electricity.

- That's not gonna happen by itself.
- We have a grid put in.

That's a nice grid.

Hopefully you felt completely
satisfied by your stay.

Well, thanks a lot.

[Grids bangs, buzzes]
Can you fix that?

No, I'm not allowed to.

I've made us
a raw penne bolognese

with a raw meatball
in the middle.

Wait. How is it penne bolognese?
I don't understand.

Honey, you gotta use
your imagination.

- I'm replacing the pasta with this?
- Yeah.

- I'll eat this happily.
- Thank you.

And this isn't
a sarcastic smile.

Mmm-mmm!

Where'd they make this,
in Italy?

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna eat you...

Hey, Peter.
What are you looking at?

Look at the grain on the table.

Oh, huh-uh. What are we
looking at here?

I was just tooling around.

Knew it. You were looking
at pasta websites.

This is demeaning.
This is demeaning to pasta.

[Phone rings]

Hon, there's someone
from Pasta Works

calling about
a 9:00 reservation.

Oh, I'll see what
it could possibly be.

[Whispers] Hello?

Are you crazy? I told you
never to call me here ever!

[Man] Good afternoon,
Olive Garden.

[Man] Hello, Spaghetti Factory.

[Man] Le Pigeon, this is Dave.

[Wife] I'm calling...
I can't seem to track down my husband

and I thought he might
be there.

We cut out pasta
for the winter.

My husband's been having

just a really hard time
with it.

[Laughing]

Peter, it's Nance.
I just... I love you so much.

You're my guy. Send me
a text or just give me some

sign that you're okay.

- Oh, Peter!
- Get out of here!

What's happened to you?

I don't feel good anymore.

It's gonna be okay.

Do you hate me?

I still love you, honey.

Nance, I need help.

It's peculiar, isn't it?
You'd think that Stew would be a big hit.

Yeah, especially considering it
was such a flop in the summer.

Yeah. Because it's a winter food.

Do you think it's too cold?

I don't think it's
too warm for stew.

But maybe it's like
stew weather,

and then it's like, "oh, I'm so
cold I don't even want stew.

I just want like a blanket"?

I think you
can't eat a blanket.

So I think we need
to mix it up a bit.

What do you mean?

What does the sign say?

I can't read it from here.

You know what it says.

"Stu's Stews."

- Featuring?
- Donald.

Right. And who's Donald?

Me.

Well, go on, get out there.
Feature yourself.

- ♪ Stu ♪
- What?

- ♪ Stu ♪
- What?

- ♪ Stu ♪
- What?

- ♪ Stu ♪
- What?

♪ Get your Stu's stew ♪

- What?
- Is this helping?

Free samples!
Free stew!

Stu samples!
See, that sounds like "stool samples."

That's not good.
Unless you're a doctor,

'cause they have to look at it.

We're not gonna sell any stool--
Stu samples to doctors.

Ow! Ow!

Can you come
over here and-- ow!

Oh, they sell stew here?

Yes, we sell stew here.

I'm just gonna go
to the emergency room.

You can eat some stew
if you want.

Would you like to try some
stew? I've got some stew.

Where has she gone?
You vile cow!

I hope you get
knocked down by a car!

- Come back in here.
- Did it work?

I don't think it worked,

but I don't think
it didn't work.

What uh--

It's not a spoon.

Hi, we'd like
to place an order.

Um, uh, well--

Sorry. You actually
want some stew?

- Yes.
- I would love some.

- Right, okay, all right...
- Then, um--

Day six, customer one.
All right.

Are we the first?

First of all, you guys
have to figure out

which stew you would like.

- What kind is this?
- This is more sort of meat and potatoes.

- My mammy gave me the recipe.
- Your mammy?

- He's from West Virginia.
- I'm sorry.

Seems like you're from London.

You sound like
you're from England.

Well, I do because I watch
"Downton Abbey."

You guys should at least get
on Twitter or somewhere.

I don't know. I don't--

Vevo.

- Okay.
- Let me get a picture of you guys.

- We'll put the stews right in front.
- You hold up the stew.

- And I'll put a thumbs up.
- The thumb's in the way.

There we go.

- Thank you for this.
- Happy holidays.

- See ya.
- Good luck, you guys.

It's probably not
gonna work out, but thanks.

Come on. Mwah!

Lance, hey, I just put in some new
equipment at the recording studio.

You want to come check it out?

Bring your beer.

So I put the whole studio
down here.

This one's great.
They used this kind

on "Pet Sounds." You
know "Pet Sounds"?

Come on. Amps. Like, 1962.

Same kind they used
on "Pet Sounds."

You hear that snap?

You hear that clap?

I've got all the top-quality
stuff.

I just need the top-quality
people.

I just gotta attract
that one important artist.

But it hasn't happened yet. It's a matter of
getting people up here. You know what I mean?

Effects, mics-- I had this
lamp brought in from Detroit.

Got this from a studio
in London-- $4.00.

They used to use these for some
of the drum mics on "Pet Sounds"

and a lot of
Beatles-type stuff.

[Vocal effect] ♪ No no no no ♪

♪ down the dream ♪

I built this echo chamber.

These are the original keys
used in "Pet Sounds".

All right, listen to this.

Canyon!

[Echoes] Canyon!
Canyon! Canyon!

Canyon! Canyon! Canyon!

Canyon! Canyon! Canyon!
[Slurps]

Canyon! Canyon! Canyon!
[Slurp echoing]

Canyon! Canyon! Canyon!

Canyon! Canyon! Canyon!

Canyon! Canyon! Canyon!

Canyon! Canyon! Canyon!

Canyon! Canyon! Canyon...!

The lounge looks a
little bit like a mess,

but I kind of set it
up that way.

And I have this stick
sticking out just to

kind of catch your hair
as you go through.

Sometimes I just daydream about
Brian Wilson coming down here.

"Oh, I can use these."

See this chair? Got it from
Electric Ladyland in New York.

So when you talk to the band,
like, "how's it sound?"

"What?"

"That's the one."

All I need is someone to
just come in and book time.

And if they don't, I'm out
a lot of cash.

Lance! Wake up!

Go to the control room.

Hi. Welcome.

Uh, that's a Neumann
mic right there.

Got some great vintage
amps downstairs too.

Lance! Hit record!

Right over there we've
got a Shure 58.

100 bucks, but you
know how they sound.

Got a great piano down there.
You know, a lot of stuff

they used on "Pet Sounds,"
that kind of stuff.

Nance!

Peter!

Are you fine? Look at you!

We're good, Reggie.
I'll see you back at the game room.

I'm gonna win this time!

It's been so great here.
You're gonna be so proud of me.

They really changed me.

I didn't know what
to tell people.

People would say,
"where's Peter?"

I said that you were on
a really long canoe trip.

You know what? This journey that
I've been on, it is a canoe trip.

And the river is pasta.

And I'm not getting wet.

And my life preserver is you.

You're my prince,

you're my frog,

you're my toad.

You're my snake.

- Am I your horse?
- You are.

Let me show you around.

I'm proud of you.

All right. Come on.

[Feet clomp] [Horse whinnies]

Right over there, that's Denise.
She stopped eating sugar.

That's Maura. She
stopped eating red meat.

- There's Charlie. He cut out coffee.
- Oh, that would be so hard!

That's a tough one.
Oh, fantastic!

A little bit of red cabbage.

It's a really good snack.
It's better than chocolate.

- All right.
- This is what we eat here.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

At first it tastes
kind of bland and bitter

but you get used to it.
Your body actually craves this.

This is what the body wants.

All right. Smells
a little bit like urine.

Mmm!
Yes it does.

Peter, we're ready for you now.

It's okay, hon.
I'm gonna be right here.

I'm gonna be right
here the whole time.

Okay, Peter, we're gonna
begin the procedure.

And when it is finished,

your desire for pasta
will be gone forever.

- Wow.
- All right?

- And that'll be it.
- Okay, hon.

No trips to Italy!
[Laughs]

Oh, come on.

[Doctor] Here we go.

Okay.

[Machine hums]

- Is he okay?
- He's fine, he's fine.

It's okay.

No! No! Stop!
Turn it off, please.

- I'm sorry. Turn it off. I'm so sorry.
- Honey, what is it?

- I can't do it.
- Peter, honey, what is it?

- Are you all right?
- Pasta is life.

I don't want my desire
for pasta to stop.

And I don't want my desire
for you to stop.

If you leave this
hospital right now,

you will have a gut,
and I can not help you.

You know what? I am perfectly fine
with him having a spare tire,

because his wheels
are what make us go.

That's right. I'm sorry.

I wash my hands of this.

I want to wash my hands too.
I think there's a bathroom--

No, honey, we'll
do that at home.

You want to hide?
Where do you want to hide?

I'll hide you in my stomach!

Peter, it is good
to have you back.

Nance, you know what I was thinking we
should cut out for our health?

Dessert.
[Screams]