Portlandia (2011–2018): Season 1, Episode 5 - Blunderbuss - full transcript

[ Rock music ]

[ Soft piano music ]

[ Cat meowing ]

Ah, damn it!

[ Rock music ]

[ Soft piano music ]

[ Cat meowing ]

Ah!

[ Soft piano music ]

Ah!

Ah, damn it!



[ Soft piano music ]

[ Rock music ]

[ Soft piano music ]

[ Soft piano music ]

Hey, are you Jennifer?

Do you need a ride?

[ Jennifer meowing ]

Let's go.

[ Music ]

Welcome to the Deuce hotel!

Please enjoy your stay.

Oh, are here

for the festival?

Well, uh, enjoy your room.



Uh, the sink is really weird.

It's gonna look

like there's no faucet.

But whenever you feel

the need to brush your teeth

or whatever, don't worry

about it... it will happen.

Free continental breakfast.

And each room

comes with a turntable.

It's complimentary.

Wanna listen to some records.

Here's a Kenny Loggins record.

There's only one song

that's cool on it.

Our gym is

on the second floor.

Anything you need.

We've got books.

They're not just for show.

Like, we chose them.

They're all like pretty real.

Your room is, uh...

Just feel it out.

You know what I mean?

Next.

Whoa!

[ Music ]

"Echo echo," right?

Yeah.

I think you know

a friend of mine.

I guess, like, he might

have taken a picture

with you at some point?

We're actually really tired.

Me, too.

Oh, I'm so tired.

Hey, you know,

we give out free typewriters.

Yeah.

Do you want one?

Um.

Um, we got.

Yeah, no, you're right.

You have laptops, right?

Who even uses a typewriter

anymore, right?

It's so dumb.

Yeah.

If we could just

get the room keys.

Could you please not

stare at me like that?

Oh.

Um, your room

is not ready yet.

But you can wait over there.

Do you know when

it will be ready?

Uh, really soon.

Uh, really soon.

Rely soon... we promise.

What are they doing?

This is ridiculous.

"The deuce."

The douche.

We have to sound check.

What are we supposed to do?

I don't know.

They're talking about us.

We've been here for hours.

S-s-s-sucks.

Right?

Waiting around for what?

Yeah, we don't have drinks.

No one's offered us food.

The costumer service

in this place is awful.

Really bad.

Don't you want

to run a business?

I guess, apparently not.

The man is

running this place.

It's just like a big, giant man

putting his big hand around

my neck, and he's just saying,

"don't do what you want."

That is it... I am done!

Take that!

Come on.

Take that!

Take that!

Ahhh!

Oh.

That's illegal.

That's illegal.

I'm taking it back!

I hate this place!

This place sucks!

So what?

So what, right?

Yes... yes!

Bart: Hey?

Did you guys do this?

Maybe.

You're fired.

What... from this?

You're fired.

Get out!

Wait, Bart.

Do you wanna hang out?

No.

[ Music ]

All right... come on in.

Let's see your badge.

Have a good time.

All right.

All right.

That's great.

Great.

Excuse me.

Where's your badge?

Um, I'm, uh, playing tonight.

What band are you in?

Um, sparkle pony.

Sparkle Tony.

Um, sparkle pony.

Carfalhonies.

Sparkle pony.

What's a skarkle coney?

We don't have that.

Are you part of

the drag city thing

that's going on tonight?

You're not part of it?

Then why are you here?

Also, the show started already.

What are you gonna do,

sound check after the show?

You just can't walk in here

with your guitar case.

You know how many people

with guitar cases we have?

Everyone has a guitar.

I have one.

It's just you and me

in our wonderful place.

No, they're sound checking.

You're not opening for them.

They have an opener.

Hey, is salmon there?

Wait, you're,

like, in a band?

What?

You're not gonna be

able to get in there.

Like, if they're gonna

let someone in

it's gonna be me and Nikki.

We're with the band.

You know Sam's not really

into girls like you.

I mean, no offense,

but, like, are you on the pill?

Because, like, no guy

would wanna get you pregnant.

I bet your song sounds

like a frog, like, croaking, and

then, like, choking on, like...

do you love me?

It doesn't matter.

I know you love me.

I love you.

Like named her

band after a horse.

All right, Jenna.

Well, we are set.

Would you care for some

musical accompaniment

while you want?

Jenna: Sure.

Okay.

Thank you.

Hey.

Check one two.

Check.

Check one.

Uh, we're

"the roving singles."

Our roadie is,

uh, not here today.

This is called,

uh, "tunnel vision."

Jenna get your acupuncture...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

We're so sorry.

It-it's just not

working for me.

I-I'm sorry.

Oh... oh, I got you.

I need to be able

to relax and breathe.

You paid for it, so we just...

it's part of the ambiance.

So this is called, uh,

"border patrol."

We had a show in winnipeg.

That's when we

were still together.

We were seriously dating.

First long term

relationship for me.

But then there's that thing

where it just switches over,

and, all of a sudden...

She goes,

"um, is there a reason

"you're telling me about what

"socks you're gonna wear?

"Like where-where did we get...

"how did we get here?"

Are you guys gonna play?

Yes.

We are... this is the intro

to the... it's the story

of how the song got written.

One, two, three, four.

I can't stand it anymore!

That-that's enough.

Stop!

I'm sorry?

A little quieter.

Absolutely.

It's like every time you hit

a-a high note, it-it just...

it feels like it drives

the needle right into my back.

It hurts.

This is called,

uh, "puddle falls."

Okay?

Shhh.

Fall asleep.

Fall asleep.

Fall asleep.

She's sleeping.

Hey, Jenna.

Jenna.

We want you

to hear something.

Jenna... sorry, sorry.

Jenna.

There's one more

part to the song.

Oh.

Okay... okay.

Stop!

Oh, she left.

Just, there's a...

cds out there,

and they're not labeled,

but that has our music on it.

They look like blank cds.

Just make sure...

get a magic marker

at home and, uh, write

"the roving singles" on it.

Jenna?

Hey, not without a pass.

You can't go in without a pass.

I'm, uh, playing tonight.

We'll, I don't know

that you're playing.

So you can't go inside.

Oh.

You gotta call on Wednesday...

Monday through Wednesday,

you gotta call Roger.

He's the manager.

Roger?

Call the ticket line and-and

they'll connect you from there.

But I can't let you in here.

It's a private event, okay?

I'm part of the festival.

Hey, what's going on, man?

I don't know anything

about the festival.

You can't go in.

He didn't have a badge.

It's none of your business,

and it's not my business.

That guy have a private event.

I really wanted

to sound check and get

a good sound on my guitar...

For the show.

Oh, yeah, you play guitar?

Yeah.

I like guitar.

I have a white guitar.

I don't know

anything about that,

so you have to...

when do other bands come in?

Why ask me so many questions?

I can't let you in.

You know, someone tell me

that when I was a little kid,

I say, "yes, sir."

Walking around and acting

like a little kid, and-and,

you know, that's unacceptable,

you know.

You have to be organized.

Sparkle.

My pony.

This is like

heavy rock venue, all right?

All the kid shows

and puppet shows,

and all that is over there.

That's on the other side...

on burnside.

You gotta go do that.

Uh, thanks.

[ Speaking Spanish ]

[ Music ]

[ Music ]

Woman: Personal ad.

Hmm, age?

Thirty-three.

No, thirty-two.

They don't check, right?

Early 30s with

an adolescent spirit.

Ha, ha.

Who ever thought that I,

Rebecca malloy, would be

looking for love online.

Isn't computer dating

a realm usually reserved

for girls who have to

shave their inner thighs

and wear pants all year long?

Why me?

Why haven't I found the one?

I'm attractive.

I mean, I don't stop traffic

with my looks,

but who would want to?

That's distracting,

dangerous even.

I'm gonna check on the kids.

My mom always said,

"if you want something,

"you have to send that energy

"out to the universe."

So here it goes, universe.

I'm Rebecca malloy

and I am taking applications

for Mr. right.

The kids are

sleeping like angels.

I found your ring

in the bathroom.

Hmm.

Wayne, went to penn state,

where he studied geology.

But I don't want

someone who studied rocks.

I want a guy who is a rock.

Oh, monty.

I wonder if he knows

he has food on his face.

I wonder if I have

food on my face.

Ugh, I bet monty

doesn't even floss.

Sorry.

Movies!

My favorite.

Is this a sign?

My love life was going

from a flop to a blockbuster.

And just like that

there he was.

I wanted him

with my entire being.

It was fate... destiny.

But in the back

of my head there was a voice

telling me not to go.

Don't go.

A voice trying to hold

us back from being together.

What the hell?

What an annoying voice.

Hey!

Listen, I'm married.

But you're just so real.

Let's get outta here.

When I close my eyes

I see her standing there

with her blood red lips

and her long black hair

I can't look away

'cause she's everywhere

and I want her

but does she care?

Hi, I'm Gus van sant with

the blunderbuss film festival.

Keep your seats 'cause, uh,

we're gonna have a "q" and "a"

with the film makers.

Are you guys here?

Gus, right here.

Hey.

Anthony and Paul warnicker.

Hey.

Good to see ya.

Thanks.

So what - what

was the inspiration

behind your film,

"looking for Mr. write"?

What's a date?

What the hell's a date anymore?

What is the role of Americans?

Like, what-what are we?

You know what I mean,

as-as a count...

it's like who...

what are Americans now?

Is it the Norman-norm-normal,

uh, rockwind painting?

Uh, and-and-and

you guys liked it, right?

A lot?

Uh, what did you

shoot it on?

Uh, we did a multi-hybrid of,

uh, hd, 16 mill, and 8 mill.

Uh, we tried to do some

of it on black and white,

and that got, uh, thrown out

in the dumpster,

but that's our secret.

Excellent.

And, um, you wanted

to bring a friend up?

Our principle on the film

is, uh, franny Walker.

And I just wanna say we-we...

is she-she here?

Franny.

Hi!

Huge round of...

I mean, she killed it.

What a genius.

She was just unreal.

My voice sounds so

microphony when I'm on these.

It's totally different for me.

But, anyhow, it was....

All right.

Why don't you go sit down.

Okay, got it.

All right.

Whoo.

Any questions

from the audience?

Yeah, one more thing.

Sorry.

I just wanna say, too,

our-our other whole thing

about this movie

is first dates suck!

Ha, ha!

Gus, to go back

to your question,

"what did we shoot

"this movie on?"

I don't like that question.

We shot it on

our hands and knees.

We shot it with sores,

with calluses.

We shot it on faith.

And, uh, and-and a lot

of, uh, donuts and twinkies.

I must have put on, uh,

eight pounds on this,

uh, this production.

Uh...

We ate lot.

Uh, Gus?

Where did Gus go?

Gus?

Bro?

[ Music ]

Hi.

Um, I'm playing here tonight.

What is your name?

Sparkle pony.

I am sorry,

you are not on the list.

Thanks.

Oh, wait.

Hey, you are on the list.

You're not playing this venue,

but you're playing the festival.

Really?

Yeah.

Okay... okay.

And, uh...

What's the venue called?

It's called "Alaska,"

and it is on 21st and Reed.

Okay.

I haven't heard of it, but,

uh, I'll go head over there.

Sparkle pony,

good luck to you.

Thanks for

all your help today.

I love your barrettes.

Thanks.

Enjoy the day.

It's beautiful out there.

See you later.

All right, bye.

Bye.

[ Music ]

Here's your keys.

You guys wanted three of them?

We're having problems

with the keys 100% of the time.

So just, if you do,

come back and we'll get you...

try to make you a new one.

Also, I don't know

if this is for you,

but we have, um, a pacifier.

You-you're not...

You're too old for that?

It's complimentary.

We have, um, a free phone.

This connects...

you'll see a little

phone box under the bed,

and, just, you can connect it

according to the wires.

Sir, our manager

told us to hand this out.

There's one of America's most

wanted criminals in the area.

She has pierced ears.

So if you see her

walking up and down the halls,

just kind of go back

in your room and lock the door.

Yeah, and call

the front desk with that phone.

Dial 9-9-9-9 to get us.

And then here's a map.

This can show you where you

can get good food and stuff.

But there's nothing close.

[ Music ]

Get out.

Leave... leave.

Hi.

I need, uh,

one room, please.

Cool.

Cool.

Very good.

Yeah, cool.

Cool, cool.

That's awesome.

You're staying here

for a couple nights?

Uh, just for one night.

One night... okay, great.

Great.

So, I see you play guitar.

Yeah.

We like music a lot.

Yeah, like big music fans.

We know a lot

of photographers.

We know a lot of film makers.

Uh-hmm... yeah.

So, can we get

your name please?

Um, sparkle pony.

Sparkle pony.

Wait a second.

I feel like I've totally

read about you before.

Really?

Yeah.

Welcome.

We're actually from Portland.

We don't usually...

we're not usually up here.

We've been hired to do this.

Yeah, this-this is, like,

a temporary gig for us, too.

Uh, we should put her in

the executive suite.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

It's about a foot bigger.

Wow.

We got an ice bucket.

Thank you.

And, um, like,

a tape recorder,

and then some cassettes.

Right.

All right, you're set on that.

And, uh...

the bathroom

has carpet in it.

Oh.

Thank-thank you.

The carpet and the bath mat.

We don't really give this

to all the guests, but this

is gonna add a little bit

of mood lighting to your room.

Thanks.

Did you play at the fest?

I didn't actually

get to play, but who knows...

what happened?

It's a cool festival.

Um, I guess

I wasn't on the list.

You're gonna go home

without even playing a show?

Wow.

Anyway.

What... screw that!

Play here.

Really?

Yeah.

Here?

We don't even need

the manager to do this.

Pay attention.

Uh, we're gonna have

an impromptu show

playing live music.

Come on down.

Okay.

Hurry, you guys.

You guys, come on.

This is it.

All right, play.

No, it's okay.

Go ahead... play your song.

Sounds great.

Sounds great.

Cool

perfect.

Sorry... I gotta tune

that up a little bit.

Okay.

Hold on... wait.

[ Music ]

Jenna you're so cruel

Jenna you're so sweet

Jenna get your acupuncture

go get off your feet.