Portlandia (2011–2018): Season 1, Episode 3 - Aimee - full transcript

Fred and Carrie hire a maid only to discover that she is their favorite singer Aimee Mann.

Hey! Nice choice.
I love this place.

So, we're thinking

it's a callous, right?

And so he cuts it open...

It's a wart.

I mean.

Oh, come on.

A guy like that

is hanging out here?

This bar is over.

What?



Ah, come on, man.

Fixed-gear bikes are over.

Hey, man, take it.

It's free... enjoy it.

'Cause they're over.

Over!

And I show up and

I'm giving everybody hugs.

You know,

"hey, you're my cousin.

"You're this.

"You're that."

And I figure out...

It's, like, not even



my family at all.

Like, I don't know

anybody there.

I'm like a total stranger.

Stupid.

What?

What did that guy make?

Guess what?

Shell art is over!

It's done!

Hey, thanks

for ruining shell art.

That's over.

That's over.

What?

Chin breads are over.

Everything's over!

The business he wanted open

before that was a sport store.

Hockey gear and, uh,

they had, uh, football gear.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

This guy's in there?

And, uh... he's looking at me.

How are ya, friend?

It's cold out there.

This bar is so over.

Hey.

Get over here.

Do you see that?

It's our cleaning lady.

That's great.

It's aimee mann.

What?

That's not aimee mann.

Yes, it is.

Aimee.

Aimee.

It's so crazy

she's like in our house.

Why is she

cleaning our house?

I guess the music industry

must be really suffering

or something.

I don't know.

God, it's like you always

read articles about it

and it's totally true.

I don't read

the whole articles, though.

You know, like, I only read,

like, parts of them.

I know, but the headlines

are always, like, "the music

"industry's in the toilet."

Right.

That's as much as I read.

I feel like

we should talk to her.

Yeah, oh, no, totally.

Miss. Mann.

Hi.

Hi.

Sorry to bother you.

We're, like, super huge fans.

You're, like, the super coolest.

And we're, like,

honored to meet you.

And you're such a good singer.

Well, thank you very much.

That's good to hear.

Thanks.

Appreciate it.

It's just funny to even

stand this close to you.

Like, I've tried

at concerts to be this close.

But I never can

get up to the front

'cause people are so crowded.

Yeah, it's always so crowed.

Well, that's really

nice to hear... thanks.

Sorry about

the music industry.

That's a drag, huh?

Yeah,

well, thing's are crazy.

How about that?

I apologize

for downloading, like,

your last four records

and I burned all of them

for friends.

That's awful.

Well, I appreciate that.

Yeah.

We're super being nerdy,

loser, so like...

well, I should

probably get back to work

'cause I gotta do the floor.

Didn't you do this already?

I mean, some of this is not...

it looks like dirt

but it's not.

It actually is dirt.

It is dirt.

Okay.

You know, I mean I can

totally just do it again.

It's the kind of thing

where you actually

need to get up on the stove

to get enough leverage.

Right, okay.

And also, like,

don't clean it too much.

'Cause, like, we don't wanna

taste the cleaning supplies,

you know.

It's, like, acidic.

So, somewhere

in between the full scrub...

it is such a fine line.

It is such a fine line.

And you're gonna nail it.

Also, I don't really care.

It's, like,

it doesn't matter to me.

Like, have fun.

Okay.

I'll keep it in mind, thanks.

Nice to meet you guys.

Nice to meet you.

Hey, aimee.

Save me.

Two.

Man, I like how

they roast the beans here.

It's like the only place

in town that does it right.

No, no, get out of here,

man, okay?

You messed with her.

Look at her.

She's upset.

That is my friend.

The way you treat people.

What are you?

Think about that.

Hichiro, do the dog thing.

Yeah.

What's that?

There's a box.

Oh... yes!

What?

It's here.

Who's this from?

Uh, that's a secret,

but it's for you.

Is it clothes?

No, I'm gonna tell you

about it tonight.

Tonight?

Good girls wait.

What is it?

Okay.

I know we're

technically not engaged yet...

But I did want to

give you a ring.

That's hot.

It's got batteries

and everything.

Just like a watch.

Baby, I wanna make you tick.

Let's try this, right?

Let me get this thing open.

That box is so huge

for, like, such a little thing.

Don't worry about the box.

Just concentrate on me.

I don't want it

to go to waste.

Maybe we can

make something of it.

I'm pretty good at crafts.

Baby, come on.

Just give me a minute, okay?

Please.

Lance, look.

Okay... I get it.

Great... come on.

Feel that?

Yeah.

It takes, like, centuries

for all of that stuff

to decompose, you know?

God, keep your head

in the party zone.

I wanna do a party of my own.

Look, Lance.

A chess set.

I used the cardboard for

the board, and the styrofoam

for the pieces.

All right, you did it,

come on.

There's so much more

we can do.

Please.

I have an idea.

A way that nothing

will go to waste.

Not one part of that box.

Um, hi.

Um, we thought you

could use this as a house.

Sir?

Bro... bro.

Lance!

Look, the box is here.

We just got rid of it.

How did it get back up here?

What do you want?

Get out!

Get out!

No!

Oh, no.

Aimee?

Hey, aimee, can

you come in here for a second?

Did you wash this?

Yep.

Does this look right to you?

It's my sweater.

This is a delicate.

I totally understand

that and...

I got this for him

for his birthday last year

and he's never gonna be able

to wear it again.

It was a birthday present

for my birthday.

Like, the day that I was born.

And look, we're laid back.

We don't care.

But this, I can't wear.

I don't know how you can tell

if it doesn't fit

if you don't try it on.

You can tell by putting

it up against my body.

Look through the stuff,

that's all.

I'm sorry your sweater

got shrunk a little bit.

Okay... apology accepted.

I'm sure we'll work out

a system next time.

But, um...

We will.

Truce.

All right.

Aimee.

Aimee.

Guess who we hate?

Suzanne vega.

Suzanne vega.

You guys...

you guys don't have to do that.

I mean I'm...

I have actually no problem

with Suzanne vega at all.

Hey, do you mind picking

this up off the floor?

My necklace is gone.

It's not in there at all?

No.

Do you think she took it?

Yes, I think she took it.

Hey, aimee?

Um, there's a necklace

missing from this top drawer

that belongs to her,

and it's kind of

important to us.

Do you know where it went?

No... was it out?

No, it was...

it was right here.

It was in the drawer?

No, I didn't open any drawers.

Uh-huh, so it's

just miraculously gone?

It just walked off on its own.

Well, I don't know

anything about it.

We're gonna ask you

one more time, okay?

One more time.

Do you know where

the necklace went?

No, I didn't take it,

but thank you.

And I will keep

an eye out for it, okay?

There's a little

grace period where it'd still

be okay if you were like,

"yeah, I took it."

Five, four, three...

no, I didn't

take your necklace.

Okay... fine.

We'll take your word for it.

Can I get back to work?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Aimee... aimee,

you know who we hate?

Tori Amos.

Isn't she the worst?

I... you know, I don't really

have a problem with Tori amos.

I wrote Tori amos a letter.

She didn't write back.

You're the greatest.

Aimee.

Aimee.

Guess who we hate?

Sarah McLachlan.

We made a piñata of her.

Jesus Christ.

I know her.

She's genuinely a nice person.

It's totally uncool.

Seriously, cut it out.

Hey, there's a little bit

of a mess right here.

Can you clean it up?

I'm leaving.

Hey, aimee.

Oh, hey, Sarah McLachlan.

Thanks for sticking up

for me.

No problem.

Did they really make

a piñata of me?

Yeah.

Who does that?

I don't know.

So I just want the,

uh, strawberry cream cheese

and honey.

And honey.

All right... thanks.

How's your dog?

He's good.

You know, it's like I-I had

him on a rope and then he

didn't wanna be on a rope.

Thanks, dude.

Shit, hold on.

Hello?

What?

No, you gotta get outta there.

Dude, get outta there.

You've got to get outta there.

You got to.

Hey, it's me.

I know.

I know you just...

you just gotta get outta there.

Listen, listen, listen,

listen, stop.

You gotta get outta there.

That's all.

You gotta get outta there.

You gotta get outta there.

You gotta get outta there.

You gotta get outta there.

You gotta get outta there.

You gotta get outta there.

You gotta get outta there.

You gotta get outta there.

You gotta get outta there.

Just tell him to get out.

No... get out.

I am out.

You gotta get outta there.

You gotta get outta there.

You gotta get out.

You gotta get outta there.

You gotta get outta there.

You gotta get out.

Get out.

Just go.

You gotta get outta there.

You gotta, you gotta.

Just go.

You gotta.

Move.

You gotta get outta there.

You gotta,

you gotta, you gotta.

You gotta get outta there.

Calm down.

You gotta get outta there.

You gotta get outta there.

You gotta get outta here.

That's all we're asking.

Just get out.

You know, I wouldn't gotten

out of there a long time ago.

Are you gonna get out...

Remember how

you used to follow me

in the restaurant?

You shadowed me

on your first day?

Oh, yeah.

It's just like that.

Latisha, you can do this.

All right.

Let's go... hi, guys.

Hey.

I'm Frankie.

I'm gonna be shadowed

by latisha tonight.

Get over here, girl.

Hi, all.

Okay, this guy

has a really weird neck.

Don't say anything about it,

but compliment it.

Oooh, you have a neck

like a movie star.

Now you try it.

You have a neck

like a movie star.

No, don't look at me,

look at him.

You have a neck

like a movie star.

No, look at him.

You have a neck

like a movie star.

Good.

Hey, mister.

Hey, mister.

I'm gonna get my boss.

I'm gonna get my boss.

No, he's fine.

He's fine.

He's fine.

He's fine.

He's not the one.

He's not the one.

You... he's not

the one touching.

He's not the one touching.

I can't have

any chemicals or anything

from companies on my body

because it creates a smell.

It's like a putrid order.

What are you guys drinking?

You know you guys are charged

way too much for the drinks.

No... hey, come here.

Your pecks are so big.

Oooh, you're like the hulk.

Oooh, you're like the hulk.

No, not me.

I'm not the hulk.

He's the hulk.

Oh, he's the hulk.

Did you hear about the hulk?

No, no, no,

you wanna stroke.

You know what

this reminds him of?

When I'm doing this?

I know.

When you're at a store

and you just wanna grab

that tie from the rack

and it won't come off

'cause it's stuck.

No.

Do it.

I-I.

No.

Thanks for helping me.

Yeah.

You'll get used to it.

You can stop shadowing me, now.

You can stop shadowing me.

No, stop shadowing me.

Stop shadowing me.

Stop shadowing me.

Stop shadowing me.

Stop shadowing me.

Stop shadowing me.

Stop shadowing me.

Stop shadowing me.

Stop shadowing me.

People call us

dumpster divers.

Dumpster divers.

See, perfectly good stuff.

All we're doing is not

letting anything go to waste.

Look, baby food.

We can use it as a sauce.

Companies throw out

perfectly good products.

Americans are wasteful.

I don't know why

people live any other way.

Yeah.

There's no reason ever in

the world in this time and

this day in age to buy food.

This is a perfectly

good watermelon.

There's a hair on it.

Other than that.

That's... I don't know.

I mean we stepped in some

nasty stuff and then we just

get out of there, wash out feet.

Get outta there.

Walk down the street.

I mean we're like architects.

We have an eye for detail.

We know what's good in there

and we know what we can discard.

And if it's nasty,

shut that thing.

How sweet.

So we got a dinner party

coming up and we invited

a bunch of people...

all our friends.

This is just

like a decoration

for the dinner party...

like a Chinese lantern.

People just

throw anything out.

You remember that shirt

I have that's missing a sleeve?

Yeah.

This is a sleeve.

Use that as a sleeve?

Yeah.

Oh, look, aqua.

Yeah, o, that's vinegar.

I know.

I'm realizing it right now.

Oh, you like that?

You can make something

out of there.

Yeah.

You came back to life.

Wow.

Who'd throw this out?

That's exactly

what I was thinking.

It's crazy.

That looks great on you.

It totally works.

Home sweet home.

It's gonna be

the best dinner party ever.

You know if they bring

extra people and extra friends

that's fine with me.

I think we have plenty.

Some good friends

of ours will be like,

"why do you always serve this?

"Get us outta here.

"This is like the ninth time

"you've made this for us.

"We're asking you as friends.

"Just come on.

"Please, we'll buy it for you.

"It's on us."

Hey, what time

you coming over?

Oh, really?

Damn.

That's everyone.

No one's coming now.

I don't understand.

No, no... come on.

Don't be upset.

It's okay.

It's just not fair.

No, no, come on.

Nobody's coming.

You know what we'll do?

Let's go for a dive.

That'll cheer you up, all right?

I saw a new dumpster

over by Morrison's.

All right?

It's by the toy store.

We'll get some kids games.

We'll play those.

All right?

You did good.

Don't worry about this.

We'll eat it later.

There's nothing, man.

It's just junk.

It's garbage.

Daniel, look.

Hey.

Hey, who would throw

a friend out like this?

Yeah.

You'll come to our

dinner party, right?

Such a good boy.

Who wants lentil stew?

Okay.

This is going to be amazing.

We are starving.

It is a curry, lentil,

cabbage, cumin stew.

So how long were you

over by that dumpster?

That's where you hang out?

All right.

Found a really good place,

uh, behind the, uh, thai place.

They said, "are you guys

"supposed to be back here?"

We said, "where are we

"not supposed to be?"

Daniel.

Look... awww.

It looks like

a little kuala bear.

Who would throw

something like this away?

She likes things.

To my friends I say this,

"okay, you guys win.

"But who saved more money?"

And the answer is really,

they did 'cause of all

the energy and work,

but still.

Aimee.

Aimee!

Hey.

Aimee... hi.

Please, don't go.

Don't go.

Well,

I'm actually done with

my cleaning and stuff,

so I just wanna go home

and, like, change my clothes.

Guess what?

What?

We got you a show.

We did?

Yeah, we did.

We got you a show.

You got me a gig?

Uh-hmm.

Like in town or...

pretty close by venue.

Who suspect they could

never love anyone

except the freaks

who could never love anyone.

Thank you.

Thanks so much.

Yeah!

One more.

Encore!

Encore!

One more song!

More!

Aimee!

Aimee!

Aimee!

Aimee.

Okay, if she comes back

I don't want her to play

any new songs, right?

Yeah.

I'm always like, why?

I hate - I hate

when people do that.

I have to, like, fake,

like enthusiasm.

I'm like, "yeah"

and it's like...

there she is.

There she is.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Sarah, sit!

Aimee, go ahead.

Play one song, please.

Save me if you could.

Save me.

Doesn't it sound good

on these little speakers?

That's the best way

to listen to music,

just on a laptop.

Yep.

In that song,

"save me" when you say

"from the ranks of the freaks,"

what did you mean by that?

I kinda wrote it

a while ago, I can't...

we'll leave you

alone in a second.

But, seriously,

full great live best show.

I was gonna say, top four

of the last seven years.

What?

You wrote this.

Yep.

Hichiro.

Yey!