Portlandia (2011–2018): Season 1, Episode 2 - A Song for Portland - full transcript

- Hi, I'm Bryce Shivers.
- Hi, I'm Lisa Eversman.

And we put birds on things.

And we put birds on things.

Today, we're gonna

go to a store

on Mississippi Avenue.

Nothing has birds on it,

but you what we're gonna do?

We're gonna put birds on things.

Spruce it up.

Make it pretty!



Thank you.

Put a bird on it.

Putting a bird

on this teapot.

It's a bird!

Betcha it's flying

all over the beach.

What a sad little tote bag.

I know-

I'll put a bird on it.

Did you see this bag before?

I didn't.

Now there's a bird.

It's flying.



It's free!

I'm gonna put this bird

right on this card.

It's so pretty.

You like that, ma'am?

It's fantastic.

Making a bird on toast.

Put a bird on it!

Look at this.

I just sewed this bird

right onto the pillow.

Oh, you missed a spot.

Ow- what are you doing?

Watch your fingernails.

What about the bird?

Am I bleeding?

Ma'am, am I bleeding?

No, you're fine.

Stop looking at her.

She's fine.

I know she's fine.

I'm not- put

a

bird

on

it.

I'm painting a bird

on a bird.

Ahh!

My eyes!

Straight up got dust

right in my eyes.

Just paint the bird

or whatever it is

you need to do,

and don't blow on things.

Put a bird on it.

There's birds everywhere,

and now you can open

for business.

What the hell is that?

Please go away?

I'm allergic.

Yeah- you're not wanted!

Oh, gross!

[ Music ]

Carrie: What is it

that you call the mayor?

Iu it, sir?

Fred: Or maybe

it's just laid back.

It's just like, "hey, man."

You know,

'cause he seems so cool.

Right.

Oh- whoa!

That's like totally him.

Bianca: Fred and Carrie?

The mayor will see you now.

Mayor: So?

Psyched to meet you-

you're like the coolest mayor

we've ever had.

Awesome.

Thanks so much.

Your office is so cool.

Hmm...

Isn't this awesome?

Look at the awards

you have.

Yeah, and, oh, this is,

uh, this is the latest one

we just got.

"Best official website

"for cities with populations

"under 700,000 in the

"pacific northwest area."

Congratulations.

Yeah, thanks.

Well, I had this one made,

and I presented it to myself.

Oh, you had it made?

Yeah.

You know, it's the best site

out there, anyway- right?

Seattle's is the worst.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Too many links.

Oh, yeah,

you don't want that.

Bianca tells me

you have an idea.

All right,

so we have this idea.

Yeah.

We're sort of

former musicians.

We've been in bands and stuff,

and so we thought like,

if we had a city holiday

for Portland,

and it's "bring your guitar

"to school or work" day.

Uh-hmm.

Now, wait-wait-

you said you're musicians,

right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I've got a little project

that I'm working on.

It's really dear to my heart.

I need to come up with

a new theme song

for a new ad campaign

for Portland.

This is where my head is

right now.

What do you guys think?

You're musicians...

You said you write music.

I think you might be

perfect for this.

To-to write it-

we would write it?

Yeah, I want it

to be about Portland.

You know, all about

the inspiration

that you get from the city.

We have Bridges,

mountains, rivers, nature-

all of that.

All of that.

Bicycles-

all of that fits in.

One word of warning?

Please don't make it

like Seattle.

The space needle.

Wooo!

Like we've never seen

that before.

You got it.

Okay.

Wonderful!

This is so good!

I'm so glad you came in today.

Yeah, all right.

This is just perfect.

You just made me

the happiest mayor

in the country.

We work for you.

Good, I'm gonna work on

my core.

All right, it's nice

to meet you.

So great to meet you.

You're so cool.

Oh, guys, guys, guys,

this is like something

that's really important to me.

It's indigenous art.

I don't know if it speaks

to you musically?

But, you know, use that.

I think that is something

that is really gonna make

a difference in this music.

Great- we'll just

bring it back to you?

And bring it back to me.

Yeah- that'd be great.

All right- you sold us.

I love my artists.

Sir, thank you.

I support them.

Thank you.

Just one thing.

Don't make it sound like

it's coming from Seattle.

Okay, you got it.

Okay?

Portland all the way.

Go Portland!

All right- thank you!

Yay!

Bicycle ride-

bicycle rides!

Bicycles rides- bicycle.

On a bike- on a bike.

Hi, I'm on a bike.

You're gonna turn?

You gotta tell me!

Watch out!

Bike-bike-bike!

Oh, cars...

Man, why?

I don't have

a driver's license.

I don't need it.

In a bike Lane here.

I get this whole Lane.

Ten feet rule!

Oregon state law- ten feet.

Hey, birds!

Guys have little bikes?

What you lookin' at?

I dig that tribal look.

[ Indistinct shouting ]

I hope I get a sunburn.

[ Beat boxing ]

Hold up.

I'm stopping.

I'm stopped.

[ Whistles ]

That means I'm stopped.

Pull your mirrors in.

Slow down- let me go.

Ah, lofts, why?

Watch out.

Hey- bike Lane.

Bike Lane!

Bicycle rides.

Go vegan!

Move, move, move!

Move over a little bit.

Got a better place to be?

Move!

Ow!

Bicycle rides...

Is anyone home?

Stuart?

St-stu?

You home?

Please don't be working

at the co-op- please!

So, this is our
new batch of books.

I think we should just

kind of go through it,

and make sure that it's what

we want in the store.

Okay, great!

"The new girl order."

It's a top selling author.

Do we want that in here?

No, we want

bottom selling authors.

You want to see

my impression of Donna?

Okay, this is her

filing things.

"Oh, you wanted it today?

"Oh, okay, well, let me just"-

it's pretty good, right?

No, it's horrible,

horrible impersonation

of Donna, and considering

that that's your daughter-

hi, welcome to

"women and women first."

Hi.

Um, what happened

to your pants?

They're frayed.

Um, the psu bookstore

sent me here.

I'm actually just like

getting a bunch of books

for class for my

women's study's class.

Do you have like

a computer system

where I can just look it up.

No-no-

we're that computer.

We're the computer.

Okay, um,

"different daughters."

"Vaginas: An owner's manual"-

slow down.

"Different daughters."

We carry- if we-

we can order that for you.

It'll take a year to get here.

It has to be written.

And who's your teacher?

Marilyn Kendall.

Hmm...

She's a little

odd looking, isn't she?

I guess.

It's almost like

they've made her eyes weird.

They?

Don't-don't you think?

Who made her eyes weird?

Goddesses.

What's the name of

the first book?

"Vaginas:

"An owner's manual."

Hold on a second.

Wait...

I'm not looking

for your book.

This is something else.

This is employee's rules.

Okay, well, I'm-

this class you're taking?

You don't need it.

We have classes here.

Abby Dee's queer question.

What don't you take that?

I have a pole dancing

class that day.

Excuse me?

Pole dancing?

You have- pole dancing?

Exercise?

We're about to freak out

right now.

We're about two seconds away

from jumping up

on this table, and kicking

everything in sight,

which by the way,

is our own property.

So, I guess

I'll just go somewhere else.

No-no-no.

Let's find these books

for you.

I can do it myself.

Oh, we don't want you

to do anything by yourself.

We'll help you.

Are you in a rush?

Yeah, actually,

I kind of have to go.

So...

Can I do my impression

of you?

"Yeah, actually,

"I've gotta go."

Oh, that book's on my list.

"Different daughters."

Oh, can you- can you

put that away, please?

It's over there.

Every time you point

I see a penis.

Oh, I can't reach it.

We'll have to get it

for you another time.

It's right there.

I can't reach it.

Can you just get it.

It's like honestly,

it's right there.

Let me show you.

Let me show you.

It's right there.

At this time,

we cannot get it for you.

I can't reach it.

You're touching it.

Why are you doing that?

I'm touching it,

but it's not enough

to pull it.

I can rest my hand-

what's wrong with your hand?

This is my full extension.

Okay, can I get it?

It's not within reach

so let's just- we'll move on.

It's not within reach?

No.

Can't reach it- nope.

Nope- I can't reach it.

We can give you this book,

we can give you this book,

we can give you this book.

I just need this book!

We lost another one.

Hey, it's Carrie,

please leave a message.

Fred: Hey, Carrie,

uh, it's me.

I'm I have some ideas

for the, uh, Portland song.

Tell what you think of this...

Portland community college

they sent me a reminder

everyone was staring

at the Halloween mask that-

oh, okay,

you get the basic idea

though, right?

Okay- call me back.

Hey, Fred, it's Carrie.

Uh, I liked your idea

for a song- I had one.

I thought we should

sing about like

people gathering around

vegetables and fruits,

and it's like...

Community garden workshop

teach me to rake and hoe-oh

hey, ah, I was thinking

something where

a syncopated beat's kinda...

[ Imitating beats ]

Okay, bye.

Hey, Fred, it's Carrie.

I have another idea

for the song.

Native plants.

Natives plants- oh.

Hi.

Hi.

Short term parking

long term parking

and short term parking

do you ever think about

how Portland hasn't had like

a national tragedy yet?

The day the beer

stopped flowin'

attention-attention

let me get your attention

the people of Portland-

ah-ha

fruit carts

so cheap

fruit carts

ha!

Thank you.

Professor says

get an education

he's right

Professor says

I'm gonna tell you

what's right

Portland

we got it goin' on

[ electricity surging ]

Anyway, um,

I need to call you back.

I am not

I am not a business man

and that's why

I will stay

in Portland Oregon

okay, can you

pick me up, please?

Thank you- bye.

Hi.

Sorry, I'm late.

That's okay.

Everything sounds great.

The Mayor's gonna love it.

Absolutely.

Dave, do you see
that dog over there?

- Oh, yeah, what's the deal?
- Who does that?

Who puts a dog outside?

Does that belong

to somebody?

We gotta ask around.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Sir, is that your dog

right there?

Okay.

Hey, guys-

we're looking for

a dog... owner.

It like

a white and brown dog.

For real...

We got an owner on the dog?

Huh?

There's an animal tied up

to a piece of metal.

I'm sure it wasn't

born there.

How can you guys

just sit there eating.

If the Titanic

was sinking right there,

would you just ignore it?

While you guys are eating,

I'll not be able to eat

until this is resolved.

Hi, have you seen this dog?

Are you the owner?

Have you seen this?

Guys, come on!

Hello!

Is anybody listening?

This dog will not be

a bait dog in a fight ring.

Baby, come on.

Fine.

It's okay.

She's upset.

Cath is upset.

I'll tell you something.

We want our ice tea

and our orange juice

just like you do.

He fainted?

Oh, poor thing.

Where's the waitress.

Hey-

ma'am.

I mean, we don't really

carry dog food.

Ah, what do you think of

fried stuffed olives?

A dog portion of it?

I can tell right now,

we're gonna want the meatballs

braised with tomato.

I want you to leave off

the Rosemary.

Ah, let's get these

skillet mussels

with drawn butter.

Seared butter-

are you getting all this?

You aren't writing

anything down.

It's- I can remember it.

Really?

Yeah.

What's the second thing

we ordered?

You ordered

the braised meatballs.

Gosh, she's good.

Yeah, you're good.

You're very good.

You know what that dog

would say right now

to you guys

if he could speak?

He would say, "ruff"

and "blah" and "rah-rah-rah."

And ask some of the people

who work in the kitchen,

if-if this dog belongs to them.

We don't really

bring dogs to work.

Well, maybe one of

the dishwashers?

You could say something like,

"[ speaking Spanish ]."

Oh, I mean,

they speak English.

The dishwashers?

Yeah.

We speak Spanish.

We like we travel a lot.

Went to Ecuador.

I am really, really sorry

for what you're going through.

Okay, please, set it down.

Set it down immediately.

Immediately!

You know what?

He doesn't like it.

Take it away.

This smells metallic to me.

No, no, please.

We don't want the water

or anything.

Dave, I'm freaking out.

I'm freaking out!

Calm down- calm down.

Calm down.

You know what we're gonna do?

We're-we're gonna let him go.

Let him go.

Please?

You're gonna have

all kinds of experiences,

and meet all kinds of dogs.

There's some good paths

out there.

There's one path that goes

right up the hillside.

It's so pretty,

you won't even believe it.

And when you're thirsty,

you can drink from

any lake you want.

Imagine the biggest lake

in the whole world.

The ocean.

You can just drink

the whole thing.

Bye.

You're free.

Run it out, buddy.

You're free, soldier.

Where's Tucker?

I don't know, sweetie?

Hi, um, did you happen

to see a dog?

We did see a dog actually.

You did?

Okay, what-what,

did you see where he went?

He went that way?

We-we had to let him go.

Is this some kind of joke?

No- who puts their dog

on a pole like a stripper?

Who does that?

Everybody puts they're-

wait a minute.

Who are you people?

We-we were just gone

for a few minutes.

Okay, how-

a few minutes is like

a month in dog years.

Well, it's-it's,

we went to get cookie-

we took your dog

off the pole

'cause it was choking.

Now get out of my face.

I wasn't in your face.

Get out of her face, man.

She was- listen, uh, hey,

where-where you going?

Did the right thing.

I'm calling the cops.

So tired of people.

Hi, Jordan.

No, Jordan, hey-

no... crying's for girls.

Quiet down-

this is ridiculous.

Let's go.

No crying.

We don't need to cry, jord.

I'm not crying.

[ Moaning ]

Nina: Lance, um,

that was kind of rough,

and I feel like

when we do this like,

if I want you to stop,

like maybe we should have

like a safe word or something.

You know what I mean?

Lance: What you

talkin' about?

I, ah, just saying

instead of saying "stop",

I just say the word.

Like what?

Well, Lisa and Bryce

have one.

I know...

Like...

[ Gasps ]

How about "cacao?"

That's kind of

a cool word, "cacao."

Yeah.

That's fine.

Okay, so if I ever say

"cacao," that means

hold off and stop.

Okay?

I get it.

It doesn't mean

I don't love you,

and it doesn't mean that

I don't want to try things.

Okay?

I hope not.

Be a brave girl for me?

All right.

[ Music plays ]

Cacao.

Sorry.

Cacao.

Cacao.

Oh, row your boat.

Oh!

Cacao.

Like Sophia

wanted my birthday party

at that hotel.

Cacao.

And I told everyone,

"okay, you can show up

"as long as you make a-"

cacao-

and my teacher- cacao-

showed up, and he was like,

"oh, you're different now."

And I was like, "yeah,

"I'm different-" cacao.

That's what happens to people

like they get more mature.

Cacao.

There's no parking there.

Cacao- but all they have

is valet parking- cacao-

and when he asked me

to park cars- cacao-

I'm like I'm not- cacao-

I'm not, I'm not gonna-

cacao.

I'm not gonna park- cacao

I'm not gonna-

cacao.

I'm sleeping.

I was riding my harley

the other day,

and I went around this corner.

There was this lady there.

Watch splashed up on her.

She got so wet.

God, she was just

dripping wet.

[ Cell phone rings ]

Oh!

Lance, Lance... wait.

Cacao.

I didn't even try anything.

No, cacao to leaving.

Cacao to not being

in my life.

Cacao to cacao.

Come upstairs to bed.

And this time no cacao.

Cacao no more.

[ Music ]

Oh, thank you!

Eh, that's song

was called "cacao."

This next song is called

"vanilla."

That's great news.

So Tucker is safe and sound?

Oh, thanks for the call.

Okay.

Bryce: Ah, Mr. mayor.

Lisa: Hi.

Hey!

We have a song.

Oh, my God!

I'm so excited.

This is good.

Oh, uh, did you bring back

the, uh, inspirational

sand print?

Uh, yeah.

Yes, I did!

Here you go.

Good-good-good!

Yes-yes!

That's very important.

This is so exciting.

Well, we're pretty

psyched about it.

We included everything.

And the mix

is really good, too.

We have this engineer

like he really knows

what he's doing, so...

It's track one.

Do I need to do anything

with that or-

it should just come up, right?

Yeah.

Is this a, um,

cd-minus-r or cd-plus?

I bought a cd-cd minus-r.

Cd- oh, really?

Yeah.

Because one of them

doesn't play on this computer.

I can't remember

which one it is.

You know what we should do?

We should just get a cd-

Sam, do we have a cd player?

Let's just get a cd player.

Sam: No cd player.

Oh...

You know what?

I have it as an email.

I have it.

Oh, that would work.

Do you have wifi here?

Sam, do we have wifi?

Yes.

What's the password?

Ah, it's, ah,

capital, c-I-t-y... "O"

with a slash through it,

"f," a dollar sign

instead of an "s,"

e- s-9-7-5-4-2-

password's too long,

we've got to change that.

Fire wire over to me,

and I fire wire over to this-

what kind of cables

do we have?

Do we have fire wire?

Who's got the other side

of this?

Who's got the other side-

you have it

on your computer.

Is there a way you can

get it from your computer

to the speakers?

That-that's what

we're trying to do.

Sam, do we have

any headphones- anyone go on

jet blue recently?

Maybe they give you those

headphones for two bucks.

We should save those.

If I could get these

speakers out-

you know what,

this adapter's not on.

Can you email me the file?

Why not email it to him?

I can only send it

as a picture.

Oh, good.

Hey, your email

just came in.

Oh, perfect.

It looks like

it's got a virus.

What?

Shut down.

Close every window.

You know what?

Donna has instruments here.

We have a guitar.

You just wanna play it live?

I mean, I love live music.

Sam, check with Donna.

See if she's got that guitar

in her office?

That's perfect.

Thank you.

Drums...

Ah, there was that marching

band in here last week.

That's the one I was thinking

with the beavers.

Oh, this is perfect.

We're in business.

What do we need?

Plug in.

Okay, so this is what

the song sounds like.

Ready?

Okay, count me up.

One-two-three-four.