Portlandia (2011–2018): Season 1, Episode 1 - Farm - full transcript
Back in L.A. from a visit to Portland, Fred launches into a song for his friend Carrie about a city where the 90s still flourish and where young people go to retire. Jump to Portland, where a couple asks the wait staff about a chicken on the menu. Before making their order, the couple decides to check out the farm where the chicken was raised: there they find a seductive cult leader, Aliki, surrounded by his many wives. Meanwhile, at a bookstore run by two women, a man runs inside to use the toilet; the proprietors demand that he buy something.
Good boy.
All right.
All right.
Hey, Jason.
Jason: Hey, what's going on?
Not much... I didn't know
you were back in L.A.
Yeah-yeah.
I had a pretty amazing trip.
I mean, it was unreal.
Really?
I can't wait to hear about it.
No, I have like
a lot to tell you.
What is it?
Come on.
Do you remember the '90s?
Yeah.
You know, people
were talking about
getting piercing's
and getting tribal tattoos.
Yeah.
And people were singing
about saving the planet
and forming bands.
Yeah.
There's a place where
that idea still exists
as a reality...
And I've been there.
Where is it?
Portland.
Oregon?
Yeah.
Dream of the '90s is alive
in Portland
Portland
Portland
dream of the '90s is alive
in Portland
the tattoo ink
never runs dry
remember when people were
content to be unambitious
and sleep till 11:00
and just hang out
with their friends.
When you had
no occupations whatever...
maybe working a couple hours
a week at a coffee shop.
Right.
I thought that died out
a long time ago.
Not in Portland.
Portland is a city
where young people
go to retire.
Dream of the '90s is alive
in Portland
all the hot girls wear glasses
yeah
remember the '90s
when they encouraged
you to be weird?
It was just an amazing time
where people would go to see
something like
the Jim rose sideshow circus,
and watch someone
hang something
from their penis?
You could grow up
to wanna be a clown.
Like people went to
clown school.
I gave up clowning
years ago.
Well, in Portland,
you don't have to.
Dream of the '90s is alive
in Portland
sleep till 11:00
you'll be in heaven
the dream of the '90s
is alive in Portland
the dream is alive
so from what I can surmise
from what you're positing,
it's like Portland's almost
an alternative universe.
It's like Gore won.
The bush administration
never happened.
Exactly.
In Portland,
it's almost like
cars don't exist, right?
Yes!
You ride bikes or
double-Decker bikes.
They ride unicycles.
They ride the tram.
They ride skateboards.
Yes!
Dream of the '90s
is alive in Portland
my flannel shirt
still looked fine
dream of the '90s
is alive in Portland
dream of the '90s
is alive in Portland
in Portland
in Portland, you can go
to a record store,
and sell your cds.
Turn that dirty clown frown
right upside down
in Portland, you can
put a bird on something
and call it art.
The dream of the '90s
is alive in Portland
Portland
hey, I made it.
Yeah, you're a little late.
Sorry.
You're also a little
San Francisco, right now.
If you know what I mean.
Sorry.
Much better.
Welcome to Portland.
Thank you.
The dream of the '90s
is alive in Portland.
Thank you for buying me
that bag the other day.
Ahh... come on,
it's more for me than you.
It's more for me than you.
God, you have beautiful eyes.
Everyone tells me that.
I'm the only one
that's told you that.
No, I don't mean like
in a flirty way, but people
when I was kid like,
"you've got great eyes".
It's like, "I'm just a guy."
You're my guy.
I am your guy.
Dana: Hey, guys.
Hello.
My name is Dana, I'll be,
uh, taking care of you today.
If you have any questions
about the menu,
please let me know.
I guess I do have
a question about the chicken
if you could just tell us
a little more about it.
Uh, the chicken is
a heritage breed,
a woodland raised chicken,
that's been fed a diet of
sheep's milk, soy,
and hazelnuts.
I guess this is,
this is local?
Yes, absolutely.
I'm gonna ask you
just one more time.
It's local?
It is.
Is that usda organic
or Oregon organic
or Portland organic?
It's just all across
the board organic.
The hazelnuts,
these are local?
How big is the area
where the chickens
are able to roam free?
I am sorry to interrupt.
I had that exact same question?
Four acres.
Hmm...
Give me just a second.
I'll be right back, okay?
Okay.
Okay.
She's nice.
You were doing
the right thing.
I'm too apologetic.
You are.
I-I drove way too slow
here today, didn't I?
Yeah.
I'm so weird
with that gas pedal.
The thing just moves the whole
vehicle forward and...
all right, so here is
the chicken you'll be
enjoying tonight.
You have this information?
This is fantastic.
Absolutely.
Ah, his name was Colin.
Here are his papers.
Okay?
That's great.
He-he looks like a happy
little guy runs around.
A lot of friends?
Other chickens as friends.
Putting his little wing
around another one,
and kind of like
palling around.
You know, I don't know
that I can speak to that level
of, uh, intimate knowledge
about him.
Um, they do a lot
to make sure their chickens,
uh, are very happy.
When you say "they,"
I mean, who are these people
raising Colin?
It's a farm that's located
about, uh, 30 Miles South
of Portland.
And-and-and...
and you feel,
and-and-and you have
a good relationship
with this farm?
We do.
It's not some guy
on a yacht who lives in Miami.
Oh, goodness, no!
Saying that he's organic.
It tears at the core
of my being the idea
of someone just cashing in
on a trend like organic.
No, I know the type.
No.
Um, tell you what,
we're gonna go check it out,
if you don't mind.
Just if you could
just hold our seats.
Oh, now... now?
Yeah.
We'll be right back.
We want to make sure...
thank you so much, Dana.
Sure-sure.
Fred: Check my email
really quick.
Oh, my God...
Puffington host
has the top ten...
one more text.
One more text.
Software update.
I got to watch these movies,
and I got to return.
Help... Carrie?
Got to check my texts, email.
Carrie: Fred?
Help... one more text.
Got to watch all these movies
before I have to return them.
Up on my queue and... ha-ha-ha,
top-ten family photos.
Okay, just one more text.
Mp3s, dvr.
Put it down.
Check my Facebook update.
Tumbler.
Fred... wait... please.
You know what's happening,
right... you're spiraling.
You're out of control.
Yeah.
There's too many things...
I wanna check my texts.
You're out, right?
Help me, please.
I'm trying to.
Please help me out.
Will you help me?
Yes.
Please help me.
Text.
Fred.
What is this?
Fred...
That's you in High School.
That's you before computers
and Internet and iPads
and YouTube and tumbler.
Before your fantasy
baseball league,
before your netflix queue...
which I have to watch.
No.
Look how happy you look.
You're in a technology loop.
Okay...
What should we do?
Welcome to mind-fi.
Carrie, what's that?
It's mind-fi.
I just installed it.
It's like wi-fi
but for our thoughts.
Now you can let go of
all your electronic devices
and just be free in your mind.
Cool.
How does it work?
Hey, have you ever wondered
what the hottest celebs
are up to?
What?
Just think key word "gossip"
to get the latest...
oh, no!
Ooh, I'm gonna think
about that.
Do not think about
that, Fred.
Now transferring to...
Fred?
Fred?
What are you drinking?
Uh, it's cap-a-tu-tu-tu-tea.
It helps clear out
my tear ducts, and keeps
my skin nice and dry.
It tastes like soot
and hot water.
It looks like
a stillbirth.
I'm hooked.
Addiction isn't funny.
Sure it is.
Hi, hello.
Hi.
Hello.
Hi...
We have a strict rule
that you can't use
the restroom unless
you're a paying customer.
Uh-huh.
It's clearly stated
on the door.
Oh, that's what that...
oh, you know, when I went in,
uh, the number four threw me.
I was like...
you-you couldn't read it?
I spell things out.
So when people use numbers
to, you know...
what people?
Wh-what people do you mean?
You know, well like you do.
Like-like...
Women?
Well, I'm not, I'm not, uh,
I wasn't being, you know...
No, we don't know.
I'm sorry that I used
your bathroom, and I'm in
this neighborhood a lot.
Next time I'm in, I,
you know, uh, you want me
to buy something now?
Yes.
Next time is now.
This is good.
"She's no lady."
That's actually a series.
So there's another 14.
So you've got to subscribe.
Yeah, I just want this one.
It's a series book.
So those are...
that's the thing.
Book 13 you find out
she is a lady,
and it pains me to imagine
you not knowing
her journey.
That's how that the author...
I'm not, I'm not even
really gonna read this.
I just...
well, then
why are you buying it?
You said, um,
I had to buy something.
Sir, sir, sir.
Would you go into puzzle store
and buy one puzzle piece?
Where is there
a puzzle store?
There's one on hawthorn,
and there's one downtown
on southwest Broadway.
The puzzle people...
okay, can I buy something?
Sure, we'll think about it.
Yeah, can I just buy
this wrist band and...
it's not a wrist band.
This is a coffee cozy.
Okay.
Is this the one you want?
Ye-yeah.
You know what that is?
It's a rotary phone.
You would have to do a zero,
and it would go
all the way around,
and it took forever.
How much is that?
I'm sorry,
I'm just telling her a story.
And you'd be able
to hear in your house
who was making phone calls
by how long the dials were.
I'll give you 20 bucks
for it.
Oh, I don't think it's... no.
Twenty dollars right now...
It's only $12.
It's only $12.
Oh, that's great.
So we have find the change
and everything.
No-no-no... I'll give you 15.
We're non-for-profit, sir.
This is not a back alley,
hooker, pimp transaction.
Do I look like a pimp
to you?
When a man pulls out money
away from a register,
I have to wonder.
Let's go ring you up.
No, we'll get you change.
But did you look close.
It's sewn with human hair.
No, way.
Okay.
I'll just ring you up
for this.
$12.
Um, instead of buying that,
you could take
a class instead.
Uhh, wouldn't you like that?
There's the Tucker Max
protest organizing.
I just really want to buy
the thing and, uh...
If you're not outraged,
you're not paying attention.
You know what?
I'm outraged, right now.
Have you gone to
the vegan bakery?
No, I've not been there.
It's awful.
They have these cup...
breakfast cupcakes,
and I swear it tasted
like sand.
I was like, "excuse me,
"this is very Sandy,"
and I asked them what them,
"what did you put in it",
and you know what they said
to me... "sand."
You're not gonna let me
buy anything are you?
We are, sir.
We're ringing you up
right now, sir.
Fine.
I don't... I think
you're looking in
the wrong folder for that.
Can I just leave this here?
We need change for that.
We need change for that.
Uh, do you have a tip jar?
No, no, no.
What do I look like?
Somebody that works for tips?
What would happen if
I just walked out?
I would chase you down,
and I'd scratch the back
of your neck so hard,
and I'd call the authorities,
and I'd say,
"this man just shoplifted,"
and I don't wanna do that.
You know what?
I-I have to go to
the bathroom again.
I've been here that long.
Okay.
We'll get you some change, sir.
Let's go to the bank
and get change.
Yeah.
I hope they don't
get annoyed with us again.
I know, we've been there
three times today.
I think we should start
selling scones.
Just jam and butter and cream...
a mushroom scone.
Oh, come on.
Really?
Peter: Hi, hello.
Nance: Hello.
How are ya.
Hey, we're here
from the restaurant.
We called ahead.
Oh, of course.
Um, so we were just
ordering, and we just
wanted to make sure
that the animals were being
ethically treated,
and more importantly,
that the farms were, you know,
like ethical people.
It's just important to us.
Oh, of course.
Have you met aliki?
Uh, no, we haven't.
Um, he's just up there.
Aliki: Delightful doesn't it?
That's him, huh?
Hi.
Who uh... let's see
what we have here.
Anyway, well,
it looks really nice.
Why don't I show you around?
Oh, yeah, you know,
we'd love a tour.
I think that would be great.
This is where Colin
came from.
Oh.
Oh, yeah, this is, uh,
this is a nice area.
I like it.
Quite a lot of room, huh?
Yes, they need room
to run free.
Of course, yes.
So much fresh air.
Hi.
Hello.
I'm Peter.
Hi, I'm Nance.
Oh, I can't wait
for you guys to meet aliki.
He's over there.
Hello.
Is he looking?
I can't tell.
Still looking.
Come.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi, how are you?
I'm Peter.
Aliki.
Nance.
What's it?
Nance.
Nice to meet you.
Aliki.
Great farm.
We saw the chickens.
Thank you.
We're gonna order it.
Yeah, we're loving it.
Can't even believe
we questioned it.
Really great place.
Good.
A little speechless
in meeting you.
Oh, wow.
Tremendous energy
the second you came
onto the farm.
Geez, thanks.
I'm just falling in love
with this place.
It's just beautiful.
Yeah, we almost don't
want to leave.
Sorry, I...
what color are your eyes?
People have said things
about your eyes before.
I-I've been told a lot
that I have pretty eyes.
People have told me
that my body looks like
a melted candle
or something.
What?
And I thought,
"no I don't."
I would love
for you to stay.
I mean, we're family here.
We are just what we are.
You know, a husband or a wife.
You know, or a wife
or a wife or a wife,
wife, wife.
You can be whatever
you want to be.
Just exist, and we'd love
for you to stay.
Do you want to stay?
I do.
You do.
I do.
We both do.
We do, too.
Come here.
Stewart: What's up,
Sherlock homies?
Ready for another game
of hide and seek?
This isn't dodge ball.
This isn't kick ball
any of that nonsense.
There's strategy to this.
Remember your first spot
that you see,
isn't the first place you go.
What was that last week?
What did you hide behind?
A newspaper?
What is this... 1934?
I was sad for myself
that I know you.
And where are you hiding?
Behind your hair?
So are there smoke breaks
and stuff?
You guys, get your heads
in the game, okay?
Seek.
See, every...
Every kind of spot.
Okay, at the after party,
one thing that would be fun,
'80s karaoke.
Yeah, I had this other idea.
I was thinking like
we can win a championship
just once.
You know,
wouldn't that be crazy?
It'd be like some kind of
a fun thing to do.
A fun thing to do.
One vegan bacon cheeseburger.
Two vegan bacon cheeseburgers.
Ready or not, here we come.
Found you... you're out.
Hey, Stewart.
What are you doing?
Get out of here.
I have a question
about the after party.
Could we bring people...
time out.
Hey, time out.
Susan, there are rules to this.
This was genius,
and you just ruined it.
Ref, can I get a ref?
Uh, will you kindly state
to my teammate
what the rules are
in this situation?
Sure.
Any player who happens upon
another player's hiding spot
must cede the territory
to it's original founder.
I didn't know.
Okay.
What are you doing later?
What are you doing later?
Can I help you?
I'm hiding.
From what?
Portland's adult
hide and seek league.
There's weirdo's everywhere.
No, I'm not a weirdo.
If you're talking,
just make it look like
you're talking to yourself,
like you're a crazy person.
Uh, no I won't.
Why don't you just
get a job and go to work
like a normal person.
I do work.
I work at a co-op...
like a hippy place.
We are not like hippies
at all.
We like to think of ourselves
as more alternative.
So where do you live?
I've got about
three roommates
up on the north side.
It's kind of a house,
but it's kind of
falling apart.
It's kind of a house,
but it's kind of
falling apart.
Yes, ma'am.
I think that describes
your life right now, honey.
American literature is clear.
Arts and artists clear.
Stewart, feel like we should
make it official t-shirt
like an after party t-shirt?
Oh, I have a good design
for the t-shirt.
How about "we'll never
"win this game as long as
"we're obsessed with something
"as stupid as an after party."
Nice game, you guys.
Thanks for showing me
that rule and everything.
I didn't know.
You're welcome.
Cheers.
Hey, nobody found me.
Oh, Stewart!
Looks like we won
a little bit.
Oh, my gosh!
Hey.
You didn't win.
I won.
I've been hidin'
since 1979.
Wait a second,
were you the guy
in Ziggy high dust
and the hiders from Mars?
That's right.
That's amazing.
Where were you hiding?
The most awesome spot
you've ever seen.
Whoa!
I bet he was hiding
right behind there?
Wait a minute.
He's gone.
What?
Oh, well, next week.
Right?
All right.
Pete: I think he's gone.
Nance: I think you're right.
He's passed.
Aliki: I'm dying soon.
I wanted to say goodbye
to you.
Rachael, I stole your watch,
and you're never
getting it back.
It's gone... forever.
It's coming with me.
Zoe...
My beautiful Peter.
I'm gonna miss
touching my Peter,
washing my Peter.
I'm gonna miss you.
Nance.
You can be a real bitch.
Please don't go.
Nance, you're being
a bitch.
Okay?
It's to bitchy of you
to ask me to stay.
I gotta go.
Tell me to go.
Don't be a bitch, Nance.
Go... go!
Thank you, Nance,
for dialing your bitch down
a little bit.
That means a lot to me.
You three,
you're nice people,
I'm sure.
Ahh!
Don't go.
You're being a dumb bitch.
Ohhh!
What is this?
Where are we?
I'm wearin' a dress.
We-we were gonna order
the chicken, and-and the...
the farm?
Who are you people?
Is this a cult?
Look how you're dressed.
You guys are brainwashed.
You're being a dumb bitch.
Let's get out of here.
Uh, Dana?
You still work here?
Dana: Hi.
Hi, how are you?
Yeah, we actually decided
against the chicken.
We're gonna do
two of the salmon.
Thanks.
Okay.
And you know what?
Can you tell us
a little bit about
the salmon?
Yeah, we have like
a million questions
about it.
Okay.
When you come back.
You're still doing this?
Stewart: Yes.
What's so funny?
You have a girlfriend?
Should I ask?
Uh, I don't at the moment.
She broke up with me.
Why am I not surprised.
There's girls on this team.
Are you interested
in any of them?
Secretly, yes, but I don't
want to say anything.
She's supposed to guess?
She's supposed to guess.
Women can't read minds,
you know.
If she read your mind,
she'd be scared to death.
All right.
All right.
Hey, Jason.
Jason: Hey, what's going on?
Not much... I didn't know
you were back in L.A.
Yeah-yeah.
I had a pretty amazing trip.
I mean, it was unreal.
Really?
I can't wait to hear about it.
No, I have like
a lot to tell you.
What is it?
Come on.
Do you remember the '90s?
Yeah.
You know, people
were talking about
getting piercing's
and getting tribal tattoos.
Yeah.
And people were singing
about saving the planet
and forming bands.
Yeah.
There's a place where
that idea still exists
as a reality...
And I've been there.
Where is it?
Portland.
Oregon?
Yeah.
Dream of the '90s is alive
in Portland
Portland
Portland
dream of the '90s is alive
in Portland
the tattoo ink
never runs dry
remember when people were
content to be unambitious
and sleep till 11:00
and just hang out
with their friends.
When you had
no occupations whatever...
maybe working a couple hours
a week at a coffee shop.
Right.
I thought that died out
a long time ago.
Not in Portland.
Portland is a city
where young people
go to retire.
Dream of the '90s is alive
in Portland
all the hot girls wear glasses
yeah
remember the '90s
when they encouraged
you to be weird?
It was just an amazing time
where people would go to see
something like
the Jim rose sideshow circus,
and watch someone
hang something
from their penis?
You could grow up
to wanna be a clown.
Like people went to
clown school.
I gave up clowning
years ago.
Well, in Portland,
you don't have to.
Dream of the '90s is alive
in Portland
sleep till 11:00
you'll be in heaven
the dream of the '90s
is alive in Portland
the dream is alive
so from what I can surmise
from what you're positing,
it's like Portland's almost
an alternative universe.
It's like Gore won.
The bush administration
never happened.
Exactly.
In Portland,
it's almost like
cars don't exist, right?
Yes!
You ride bikes or
double-Decker bikes.
They ride unicycles.
They ride the tram.
They ride skateboards.
Yes!
Dream of the '90s
is alive in Portland
my flannel shirt
still looked fine
dream of the '90s
is alive in Portland
dream of the '90s
is alive in Portland
in Portland
in Portland, you can go
to a record store,
and sell your cds.
Turn that dirty clown frown
right upside down
in Portland, you can
put a bird on something
and call it art.
The dream of the '90s
is alive in Portland
Portland
hey, I made it.
Yeah, you're a little late.
Sorry.
You're also a little
San Francisco, right now.
If you know what I mean.
Sorry.
Much better.
Welcome to Portland.
Thank you.
The dream of the '90s
is alive in Portland.
Thank you for buying me
that bag the other day.
Ahh... come on,
it's more for me than you.
It's more for me than you.
God, you have beautiful eyes.
Everyone tells me that.
I'm the only one
that's told you that.
No, I don't mean like
in a flirty way, but people
when I was kid like,
"you've got great eyes".
It's like, "I'm just a guy."
You're my guy.
I am your guy.
Dana: Hey, guys.
Hello.
My name is Dana, I'll be,
uh, taking care of you today.
If you have any questions
about the menu,
please let me know.
I guess I do have
a question about the chicken
if you could just tell us
a little more about it.
Uh, the chicken is
a heritage breed,
a woodland raised chicken,
that's been fed a diet of
sheep's milk, soy,
and hazelnuts.
I guess this is,
this is local?
Yes, absolutely.
I'm gonna ask you
just one more time.
It's local?
It is.
Is that usda organic
or Oregon organic
or Portland organic?
It's just all across
the board organic.
The hazelnuts,
these are local?
How big is the area
where the chickens
are able to roam free?
I am sorry to interrupt.
I had that exact same question?
Four acres.
Hmm...
Give me just a second.
I'll be right back, okay?
Okay.
Okay.
She's nice.
You were doing
the right thing.
I'm too apologetic.
You are.
I-I drove way too slow
here today, didn't I?
Yeah.
I'm so weird
with that gas pedal.
The thing just moves the whole
vehicle forward and...
all right, so here is
the chicken you'll be
enjoying tonight.
You have this information?
This is fantastic.
Absolutely.
Ah, his name was Colin.
Here are his papers.
Okay?
That's great.
He-he looks like a happy
little guy runs around.
A lot of friends?
Other chickens as friends.
Putting his little wing
around another one,
and kind of like
palling around.
You know, I don't know
that I can speak to that level
of, uh, intimate knowledge
about him.
Um, they do a lot
to make sure their chickens,
uh, are very happy.
When you say "they,"
I mean, who are these people
raising Colin?
It's a farm that's located
about, uh, 30 Miles South
of Portland.
And-and-and...
and you feel,
and-and-and you have
a good relationship
with this farm?
We do.
It's not some guy
on a yacht who lives in Miami.
Oh, goodness, no!
Saying that he's organic.
It tears at the core
of my being the idea
of someone just cashing in
on a trend like organic.
No, I know the type.
No.
Um, tell you what,
we're gonna go check it out,
if you don't mind.
Just if you could
just hold our seats.
Oh, now... now?
Yeah.
We'll be right back.
We want to make sure...
thank you so much, Dana.
Sure-sure.
Fred: Check my email
really quick.
Oh, my God...
Puffington host
has the top ten...
one more text.
One more text.
Software update.
I got to watch these movies,
and I got to return.
Help... Carrie?
Got to check my texts, email.
Carrie: Fred?
Help... one more text.
Got to watch all these movies
before I have to return them.
Up on my queue and... ha-ha-ha,
top-ten family photos.
Okay, just one more text.
Mp3s, dvr.
Put it down.
Check my Facebook update.
Tumbler.
Fred... wait... please.
You know what's happening,
right... you're spiraling.
You're out of control.
Yeah.
There's too many things...
I wanna check my texts.
You're out, right?
Help me, please.
I'm trying to.
Please help me out.
Will you help me?
Yes.
Please help me.
Text.
Fred.
What is this?
Fred...
That's you in High School.
That's you before computers
and Internet and iPads
and YouTube and tumbler.
Before your fantasy
baseball league,
before your netflix queue...
which I have to watch.
No.
Look how happy you look.
You're in a technology loop.
Okay...
What should we do?
Welcome to mind-fi.
Carrie, what's that?
It's mind-fi.
I just installed it.
It's like wi-fi
but for our thoughts.
Now you can let go of
all your electronic devices
and just be free in your mind.
Cool.
How does it work?
Hey, have you ever wondered
what the hottest celebs
are up to?
What?
Just think key word "gossip"
to get the latest...
oh, no!
Ooh, I'm gonna think
about that.
Do not think about
that, Fred.
Now transferring to...
Fred?
Fred?
What are you drinking?
Uh, it's cap-a-tu-tu-tu-tea.
It helps clear out
my tear ducts, and keeps
my skin nice and dry.
It tastes like soot
and hot water.
It looks like
a stillbirth.
I'm hooked.
Addiction isn't funny.
Sure it is.
Hi, hello.
Hi.
Hello.
Hi...
We have a strict rule
that you can't use
the restroom unless
you're a paying customer.
Uh-huh.
It's clearly stated
on the door.
Oh, that's what that...
oh, you know, when I went in,
uh, the number four threw me.
I was like...
you-you couldn't read it?
I spell things out.
So when people use numbers
to, you know...
what people?
Wh-what people do you mean?
You know, well like you do.
Like-like...
Women?
Well, I'm not, I'm not, uh,
I wasn't being, you know...
No, we don't know.
I'm sorry that I used
your bathroom, and I'm in
this neighborhood a lot.
Next time I'm in, I,
you know, uh, you want me
to buy something now?
Yes.
Next time is now.
This is good.
"She's no lady."
That's actually a series.
So there's another 14.
So you've got to subscribe.
Yeah, I just want this one.
It's a series book.
So those are...
that's the thing.
Book 13 you find out
she is a lady,
and it pains me to imagine
you not knowing
her journey.
That's how that the author...
I'm not, I'm not even
really gonna read this.
I just...
well, then
why are you buying it?
You said, um,
I had to buy something.
Sir, sir, sir.
Would you go into puzzle store
and buy one puzzle piece?
Where is there
a puzzle store?
There's one on hawthorn,
and there's one downtown
on southwest Broadway.
The puzzle people...
okay, can I buy something?
Sure, we'll think about it.
Yeah, can I just buy
this wrist band and...
it's not a wrist band.
This is a coffee cozy.
Okay.
Is this the one you want?
Ye-yeah.
You know what that is?
It's a rotary phone.
You would have to do a zero,
and it would go
all the way around,
and it took forever.
How much is that?
I'm sorry,
I'm just telling her a story.
And you'd be able
to hear in your house
who was making phone calls
by how long the dials were.
I'll give you 20 bucks
for it.
Oh, I don't think it's... no.
Twenty dollars right now...
It's only $12.
It's only $12.
Oh, that's great.
So we have find the change
and everything.
No-no-no... I'll give you 15.
We're non-for-profit, sir.
This is not a back alley,
hooker, pimp transaction.
Do I look like a pimp
to you?
When a man pulls out money
away from a register,
I have to wonder.
Let's go ring you up.
No, we'll get you change.
But did you look close.
It's sewn with human hair.
No, way.
Okay.
I'll just ring you up
for this.
$12.
Um, instead of buying that,
you could take
a class instead.
Uhh, wouldn't you like that?
There's the Tucker Max
protest organizing.
I just really want to buy
the thing and, uh...
If you're not outraged,
you're not paying attention.
You know what?
I'm outraged, right now.
Have you gone to
the vegan bakery?
No, I've not been there.
It's awful.
They have these cup...
breakfast cupcakes,
and I swear it tasted
like sand.
I was like, "excuse me,
"this is very Sandy,"
and I asked them what them,
"what did you put in it",
and you know what they said
to me... "sand."
You're not gonna let me
buy anything are you?
We are, sir.
We're ringing you up
right now, sir.
Fine.
I don't... I think
you're looking in
the wrong folder for that.
Can I just leave this here?
We need change for that.
We need change for that.
Uh, do you have a tip jar?
No, no, no.
What do I look like?
Somebody that works for tips?
What would happen if
I just walked out?
I would chase you down,
and I'd scratch the back
of your neck so hard,
and I'd call the authorities,
and I'd say,
"this man just shoplifted,"
and I don't wanna do that.
You know what?
I-I have to go to
the bathroom again.
I've been here that long.
Okay.
We'll get you some change, sir.
Let's go to the bank
and get change.
Yeah.
I hope they don't
get annoyed with us again.
I know, we've been there
three times today.
I think we should start
selling scones.
Just jam and butter and cream...
a mushroom scone.
Oh, come on.
Really?
Peter: Hi, hello.
Nance: Hello.
How are ya.
Hey, we're here
from the restaurant.
We called ahead.
Oh, of course.
Um, so we were just
ordering, and we just
wanted to make sure
that the animals were being
ethically treated,
and more importantly,
that the farms were, you know,
like ethical people.
It's just important to us.
Oh, of course.
Have you met aliki?
Uh, no, we haven't.
Um, he's just up there.
Aliki: Delightful doesn't it?
That's him, huh?
Hi.
Who uh... let's see
what we have here.
Anyway, well,
it looks really nice.
Why don't I show you around?
Oh, yeah, you know,
we'd love a tour.
I think that would be great.
This is where Colin
came from.
Oh.
Oh, yeah, this is, uh,
this is a nice area.
I like it.
Quite a lot of room, huh?
Yes, they need room
to run free.
Of course, yes.
So much fresh air.
Hi.
Hello.
I'm Peter.
Hi, I'm Nance.
Oh, I can't wait
for you guys to meet aliki.
He's over there.
Hello.
Is he looking?
I can't tell.
Still looking.
Come.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi, how are you?
I'm Peter.
Aliki.
Nance.
What's it?
Nance.
Nice to meet you.
Aliki.
Great farm.
We saw the chickens.
Thank you.
We're gonna order it.
Yeah, we're loving it.
Can't even believe
we questioned it.
Really great place.
Good.
A little speechless
in meeting you.
Oh, wow.
Tremendous energy
the second you came
onto the farm.
Geez, thanks.
I'm just falling in love
with this place.
It's just beautiful.
Yeah, we almost don't
want to leave.
Sorry, I...
what color are your eyes?
People have said things
about your eyes before.
I-I've been told a lot
that I have pretty eyes.
People have told me
that my body looks like
a melted candle
or something.
What?
And I thought,
"no I don't."
I would love
for you to stay.
I mean, we're family here.
We are just what we are.
You know, a husband or a wife.
You know, or a wife
or a wife or a wife,
wife, wife.
You can be whatever
you want to be.
Just exist, and we'd love
for you to stay.
Do you want to stay?
I do.
You do.
I do.
We both do.
We do, too.
Come here.
Stewart: What's up,
Sherlock homies?
Ready for another game
of hide and seek?
This isn't dodge ball.
This isn't kick ball
any of that nonsense.
There's strategy to this.
Remember your first spot
that you see,
isn't the first place you go.
What was that last week?
What did you hide behind?
A newspaper?
What is this... 1934?
I was sad for myself
that I know you.
And where are you hiding?
Behind your hair?
So are there smoke breaks
and stuff?
You guys, get your heads
in the game, okay?
Seek.
See, every...
Every kind of spot.
Okay, at the after party,
one thing that would be fun,
'80s karaoke.
Yeah, I had this other idea.
I was thinking like
we can win a championship
just once.
You know,
wouldn't that be crazy?
It'd be like some kind of
a fun thing to do.
A fun thing to do.
One vegan bacon cheeseburger.
Two vegan bacon cheeseburgers.
Ready or not, here we come.
Found you... you're out.
Hey, Stewart.
What are you doing?
Get out of here.
I have a question
about the after party.
Could we bring people...
time out.
Hey, time out.
Susan, there are rules to this.
This was genius,
and you just ruined it.
Ref, can I get a ref?
Uh, will you kindly state
to my teammate
what the rules are
in this situation?
Sure.
Any player who happens upon
another player's hiding spot
must cede the territory
to it's original founder.
I didn't know.
Okay.
What are you doing later?
What are you doing later?
Can I help you?
I'm hiding.
From what?
Portland's adult
hide and seek league.
There's weirdo's everywhere.
No, I'm not a weirdo.
If you're talking,
just make it look like
you're talking to yourself,
like you're a crazy person.
Uh, no I won't.
Why don't you just
get a job and go to work
like a normal person.
I do work.
I work at a co-op...
like a hippy place.
We are not like hippies
at all.
We like to think of ourselves
as more alternative.
So where do you live?
I've got about
three roommates
up on the north side.
It's kind of a house,
but it's kind of
falling apart.
It's kind of a house,
but it's kind of
falling apart.
Yes, ma'am.
I think that describes
your life right now, honey.
American literature is clear.
Arts and artists clear.
Stewart, feel like we should
make it official t-shirt
like an after party t-shirt?
Oh, I have a good design
for the t-shirt.
How about "we'll never
"win this game as long as
"we're obsessed with something
"as stupid as an after party."
Nice game, you guys.
Thanks for showing me
that rule and everything.
I didn't know.
You're welcome.
Cheers.
Hey, nobody found me.
Oh, Stewart!
Looks like we won
a little bit.
Oh, my gosh!
Hey.
You didn't win.
I won.
I've been hidin'
since 1979.
Wait a second,
were you the guy
in Ziggy high dust
and the hiders from Mars?
That's right.
That's amazing.
Where were you hiding?
The most awesome spot
you've ever seen.
Whoa!
I bet he was hiding
right behind there?
Wait a minute.
He's gone.
What?
Oh, well, next week.
Right?
All right.
Pete: I think he's gone.
Nance: I think you're right.
He's passed.
Aliki: I'm dying soon.
I wanted to say goodbye
to you.
Rachael, I stole your watch,
and you're never
getting it back.
It's gone... forever.
It's coming with me.
Zoe...
My beautiful Peter.
I'm gonna miss
touching my Peter,
washing my Peter.
I'm gonna miss you.
Nance.
You can be a real bitch.
Please don't go.
Nance, you're being
a bitch.
Okay?
It's to bitchy of you
to ask me to stay.
I gotta go.
Tell me to go.
Don't be a bitch, Nance.
Go... go!
Thank you, Nance,
for dialing your bitch down
a little bit.
That means a lot to me.
You three,
you're nice people,
I'm sure.
Ahh!
Don't go.
You're being a dumb bitch.
Ohhh!
What is this?
Where are we?
I'm wearin' a dress.
We-we were gonna order
the chicken, and-and the...
the farm?
Who are you people?
Is this a cult?
Look how you're dressed.
You guys are brainwashed.
You're being a dumb bitch.
Let's get out of here.
Uh, Dana?
You still work here?
Dana: Hi.
Hi, how are you?
Yeah, we actually decided
against the chicken.
We're gonna do
two of the salmon.
Thanks.
Okay.
And you know what?
Can you tell us
a little bit about
the salmon?
Yeah, we have like
a million questions
about it.
Okay.
When you come back.
You're still doing this?
Stewart: Yes.
What's so funny?
You have a girlfriend?
Should I ask?
Uh, I don't at the moment.
She broke up with me.
Why am I not surprised.
There's girls on this team.
Are you interested
in any of them?
Secretly, yes, but I don't
want to say anything.
She's supposed to guess?
She's supposed to guess.
Women can't read minds,
you know.
If she read your mind,
she'd be scared to death.