Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 3, Episode 32 - The Young Matchmakers - full transcript

(train whistle blows)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪



(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows)

(dog barking)

Girls, train's in!

- Bye, Mom.
- Bye, Betty Jo.

Have a good time at
the basketball game.

Oh, I'm not going
to a basketball game.



I'm going to a debate.

(chuckles)

Enjoy yourself.

Thanks, Mom.

Billie! Bobbie!

See you on the train!

Will you zip me up, Mom?

Oh, sure.

Hope you and Arthur have a
nice time at the dance tonight.

Oh, I'm not going with
Arthur; I'm going with Greg.

I thought Billie Jo
was going with Greg.

That was yesterday.

Billie Jo traded
me Greg for Arthur.

Oh! Good heavens!

What's the matter?

We forgot to tell Greg and
Arthur we were switching.

Billie Jo!

Billie Jo, did you
tell Greg and Arthur?

No, I thought you did.

Oh, Mom, what'll we do?

Well, it seems to me
the simplest solution

would be for you to go
out with your original dates.

(sighs) Mom, if you can't
help... Come on, Bobbie Jo.

Maybe we can figure
something out on the train.

- Bye, Mom. -Good-bye, Mom.
- Good-bye, girls.

Well, so long, Kate.

Where are you off to?

Sam Drucker's.

And tonight, I'm gonna beat
that cheating old box boy.

I'm taking my own checkers.

Uncle Joe, how can you
accuse Sam of being dishonest?

Last week I caught him
using marked checkers.

Good night, Uncle Joe.

- Enjoy yourself.
- Thanks, Kate.

Well, looks like you and I have
the whole hotel to ourselves.

(dog whining outside)

Sounds like Daisy
Belle... the Millers' dog.

(dog whines)

You, too, huh?

Well, don't keep
your girlfriend waiting.

And this time, young man,

get in before daylight.

(clicks tongue)

(lively music playing)

- We're going, Mom.
- KATE: Oh, good night.

- See you later.
- KATE: Right.

Don't wait up like
you did last night.

Don't worry about me.

(barking)

Oh, my goodness.

I forgot your dinner.

Well, so long, Kate.

I'm off to play tic-tac-toe
with Sam Drucker.

Yeah, but he beat you 99
out of 100 games last night.

Yeah, but tonight,
we're using my chalk.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

- All right, go to it.
- (Daisy Belle whining outside)

Well, I guess being in love
is more important than food.

(crickets chirping)

Nice night for knitting.

Nothing like knitting
under a full moon.

Oh, well.

(lively music playing)

(indistinct chatter, lively
carnival music playing)

(bell dings)

JOE: they's times
you can feel it

clear down to your socks.

(girls and Joe chuckle)

- Hi, Mom. -Hi.
- KATE: Hi, everybody.

Well, Kate, I did it.

That Sam Drucker may slicker
me at checkers and out-tac my toe,

but I out-bowled him
two games out of three.

Well, nice you can
beat him at something.

I let him win the first game.

Kind of felt sorry for him on
account of his sprained thumb.

KATE: Well, that was big of you.

Mom, you should've
been at the track meet.

Hooterville High
won all the events

except for the 100-yard dash.

Well, anybody
interested in a snack,

there are cookies
in the kitchen.

- Oh, boy, thanks!
- Gee, thanks, Mom. -Come on, girls.

Oh, Bobbie, before
you misplace it,

I'd like that charm bracelet
back that you borrowed.

JOE: Sure a beautiful evening.

KATE: Yes, lovely.

- JOE: But you gotta get out...
- Here, Betty,

better take your charm
bracelet back before I misplace it.

What makes you think
I'm lonely, Uncle Joe?

JOE: Why, sitting
out here all by yourself

while the girls are dating

and I'm gallivanting
around with the boys.

What are you driving at?

What I'm driving at, it's a
shame to waste that moon.

Oh, Uncle Joe.

Kate, you got to get out of the
rut and have yourself some fun.

Don't worry about me.

I am having plenty of fun.

Well, that shawl's dandy,

but it can't tell you
how pretty you are in it.

Well, what I
mean is, Kate, uh...

I know what you mean, Uncle Joe.

Uncle Joe is right.

Yes. We've been awfully selfish.

Yeah. What Mom
needs is a companion.

Okay, the meeting of the
Committee for the Care

and Improvement of Kate
Bradley will come to order.

Hey, Billie, how come
you're heading this meeting?

Because I found
the only decent gavel.

All right, all right, get
on with the meeting.

We're trying to figure
out how to get Mom back

into the land of the living
by getting her together

with an eligible bachelor.

An eligible bachelor? For Mom?

Look, infant, why do you think
we're holding this meeting?

BOBBIE JO: Let's think.

How do we introduce
Mom to an eligible man?

Well, she's met
lots of eligible men,

but that's as far as it went

because she still thinks
of us as little children.

Then it's simple... Which
one of us is going in

and tell her that
we're grown up,

and she can get out
of this dreary old rut?

I second the motion
and it's unanimous.

My, what a beautiful stole.

Thank you.

That would attract any man.

Which reminds me,
we girls have decided

that we're old enough
to take care of ourselves,

and it's all right with us
if you go out on dates.

I have another suggestion.

If it's not any better than
your last suggestion, I suggest

you forget the suggestion
you're about to suggest.

The direct approach
doesn't work with Mom.

I say we trick her.

Now, who's a nice,
attractive available man?

Say, how 'bout that
new principal at school,

Mr. Marshall?

He's not married.

Hey, great!

I've seen him around town,

and he's very
distinguished-looking.

Why, if he were
20 years younger,

I could go for him myself.

All our troubles are over.

He passes the Billie
Jo Bradley test for men.

And you can't go
any higher than that.

Okay, we've zeroed
in on the right man.

Now, how do we get
him and Mom together?

Nothing to it.

Tomorrow, Mr. Marshall's
going to send for her.

For Mom? Why?

To ask her about how that
frog got in his lunch box.

What would a frog be doing
in the principal's lunch box?

And why would he
talk to Mom about it?

I second the motion.

(screeching)

Isn't he a doll?

Isn't he the nicest
bachelor you ever met?

Go away. I don't
want to talk to you.

All right, Mom.

Come back. I
want to talk to you.

Betty Jo, this is the
most embarrassing thing

that ever happened to me,

being called to meet with
Mr. Quigley, the vice principal,

because my daughter
put a frog in his lunch box.

Mr. Quigley?

Oh, but I put a...

You were supposed to meet...

What happened to that
nice, handsome Mr. Marshall?

He was called out of town.

And Mr. Quigley and I agreed

that you are not to play
baseball for a whole week.

That'll be all, young lady.

All right, the tricky
approach didn't work.

So now we've got to get sneaky.

Maybe we better
forget the whole thing.

Don't you even care about
your own mother's happiness?

Don't you want her
to live a rich, full life?

What kind of a daughter are you?

I'm a rat.

But I can't help thinking
we're gonna be in big trouble

if we keep mixing in.

Betty Jo, Mom's
whole future is at stake.

It's too important
to leave up to her.

Girls, I've got it!

We're gonna make Mom
happy, whether she likes it or not.

This time, let's consult
an expert. Come on.

Oh?

So we held a
meeting to figure out

how to get Mom acquainted
with the new principal.

So then Betty Jo made a
motion that she put a frog

in Mr. Marshall's lunch box.

And I went down
to Scully's Swamp

and caught this big fat frog

and stuffed it in between his
Swiss on rye and his liverwurst.

BOBBIE JO: Only it wasn't
Mr. Marshall's liverwurst;

it was Mr. Quigley's.

Well, no wonder it didn't work.

A man who eats
liverwurst is hopeless.

You don't understand.

Mr. Quigley's a married
man with five children.

And Mr. Marshall is a
bachelor, and such a nice one.

Oh, well, darling, Mr. Marshall

is not the only
streetcar on the beach.

But, Mrs. Douglas,

there aren't that many
bachelors in Hooterville.

But there are a
couple in Pixley.

And Crabwell Corners has a few.

But that doesn't do us any good.

All the eligible men
are scattered all around,

and with Mom taking
care of the hotel...

How do we get 'em all together?

Why, darling, we do
what we do in New York.

We get a Lonely "Hots" Club.

A what?

A Lonely "Hots" Club.

You know... "hots"? "Hots"?

Oh, hearts.

Well, that's what
I said, "hots."

A Lonely Hearts Club is a
good idea, Mrs. Douglas,

but Mom would never go to one.

Well, if we can't take the
molehill to the mountain,

we take the
mountain to the hotel.

- Of course!
- Of course!

Of course?

(others chuckle)

Ooh, boy. Wow.

Boy, oh, boy.

Wow!

Wow-ee.

♪♪

Well, so you're all members

of the Shady Rest
Lonely Hearts Club.

We're delighted to have you.

- (bell dinging)
- Girls?

Let's show our new
members to their rooms.

Mr. Rambo is in five,
Mr. Willoughby is in seven,

and I'll show Mr. Thatcher
to number nine.

This way, gentlemen.

Say, if the bellhops
are that cute,

then the women members
must be out of this world!

Just a minute, girls.

You should have called me.

I want these guests to have
the best rooms in the hotel...

Five, seven and nine.

That's what we gave them.

Okay. Then take 'em on up.

I'm Joe Carson, the manager
of this entire operation.

You are? Well, then, you're
the fellow we want to talk to.

Yeah, gents, what'll it be?

Well, uh, when do
the, uh, activities start?

- Activities?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, oh, we got an
exciting checker game

starting in the lobby at 8:00.

For those that are
athletically inclined,

we got a horseshoe game
in the backyard at 9:00.

No, uh, we mean, uh...

(Joe laughs)

Soda's in the icebox.

(Joe laughs)

(laughter)

- Mr. Carson has quite a sense of humor.
- Yeah.

Well, I guess it takes a man
with your kind of personality

to sort of get things warmed up?

- Yeah.
- (laughter)

Uh, Uncle Joe, we'd
better get these gentlemen

to their rooms so
they can tidy up a bit.

Yes, why don't you?

Uh, Bobbie, would you like

to take Mr. Thatcher's
bag upstairs?

Uncle Joe, there's
something you should know.

(gasps) Lonely hearts?!

Not so loud, you know.

Now we've got three nice
eligible men here at the hotel,

and all Mom has to
do is take her pick.

That's all she has to do, huh?

Well, who's going to
break the news to her?

Oh, no. No, I won't!

But Uncle Joe, you started it.

You said yourself, Mom
should have a companion.

A companion, yes,

but not those three
rejects from a wax museum.

So long. I'm going in to
Pixley and order a new roof.

But Uncle Joe, we
don't need a new roof.

We will when your mother
finds out why those men are here.

Uncle Joe, what business
are those three new men in?

JOE: Business?

I think they're hunters.

The season's closed.

JOE: Not for what
they're hunting.

A fine time for
the girls to vanish,

just when we have three
new guests in the hotel.

I wonder where they skipped to.

I guess they chickened out.

I mean, this is great chicken

you come out
with, tonight, Kate.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, did you call the
guests to dinner?

Three times.

Well, you get the gravy, and
I'll get the men down, huh?

Mr. Rambo, dinner's ready.

I ain't eating.

- Aren't you hungry?
- Yup.

- Well, then, why aren't...?
- I'm waiting for the women.

Mr. Willoughby, dinner's ready.

I'll wait till my
dream girl gets here.

Oh. Are you expecting your wife?

Hope it works out
that way, Mrs. Bradley.

(door closes)

Uncle Joe?

Uncle Joe!

Yeah, Kate?

What's going on in this hotel?

Something going on?

The girls have disappeared,

and the men won't eat
until the women get here.

What women? Answer me!

What have you been up to?

I-I have to talk to
Madam Chairman.

Who?

Madame Chairman?!

(door opens)

Well?

(train whistle blowing)

That-that's the last train out
of here tonight, gentlemen.

Yup!

Uh, and like I explained
to you at supper,

due to the misunderstanding,
there'll be no charge.

And if you're
expecting any women,

you're going to be disappointed.

I'm not disappointed.

Me, neither.

I haven't had to take a pill

since I ate that
marvelous dinner.

I think I've found
the girl of my dreams.

And my girls tell me

that the Lonely Hearts
Club was your idea.

Yes. Wasn't that clever of me?

It was brilliant.

Here I am, trying
to run a hotel,

and I'm right in the middle
of a three-man tug-of-war.

Only three? Well, don't worry.

Some more will arrive tomorrow.

Mrs. Douglas, I... I
know you're trying to help,

but if you don't mind,

when the time comes,
I'll find my own man.

Oh, I know you will, but...

but it's nice to
have an assortment.

There, you see? I've
solved all your problems.

You solved all my problems?

Uncle Joe...

you're going to
solve my problem.

And put down that pie.

I'm putting it down
as fast as I can, Kate.

We got three men in this
hotel expecting to meet women.

That's their problem.

Their problem is our problem,

because you and the girls lured
them here under false pretenses.

The Shady Rest Hotel is not now

nor ever will be a
Lonely Hearts Club!

What are you getting
so all steamed up about?

Because I don't
want the hotel sued.

Now, you get those men out
of here without telling them why.

Kate, you're-you're asking
me to do the impossible.

We got to make
'em want to leave.

I know. We'll toss a hatful
of hornets in their rooms.

I think this is more practical.

You know about these men.

Now, tell me first
about Mr. Rambo.

What about him?

Didn't he ever say what
kind of woman he didn't like?

Oh, yeah. The gabby type.

He can't stand 'em.

Okay.

(birds singing)

Nice day, isn't it?

Sort of.

I'm so glad we're away
from the others. (laughs)

You know, being a hotel manager,

I try to be impartial
to all my guests,

but sometimes it's difficult

because some men are
just naturally more attractive

to women than others,

especially the
strong, silent type.

And the strong, silent type
man likes a silent type woman.

(Kate laughs)

And you will find

that I am probably the most
silent woman you ever saw!

All my good friends say

that I am the most
silent person they know.

They're all blabbermouths,
but not me... I'm quiet.

And I think that's why
we are mutually attracted,

because you're
silent, and I'm silent.

How would you like to
go for a nice silent walk?

Excuse me. Uh,
I think I'll go pack.

(playing upbeat tune)

One down, two to go.

Now, about Mr. Willoughby...

Willoughby, the "hypomaniac"
playing the organ?

Kate, he's got so
many pills in him,

he rattles when he walks.

What doesn't he like?

He doesn't like to hear about
other people's aches and pains.

Oh?

How are you feeling?

Oh, not too bad... except
for this pain in my hip...

I feel awful!

Mrs. Bradley!

Those are for
the pain in my hip!

Hip?

I got pains all over...

Hip, knees, elbow, ankles.

But that may not
be the right pill.

Don't give it a second thought.

Wherever this pill goes,

they'll be a pain
waiting for it.

Oh! There-there...
there it goes now.

- Ooh, ooh.
- Oh, your knee hurts?

Ooh.

Well, I had a pain in
my knee once that...

You think you had a pain?

This knee goes out of kilter

if I so much as
pass a drugstore.

Well, speaking of pain...

I got to sit down.

Did I tell you that I had my
appendix taken out three times?

The first time, the
doctor couldn't find it.

And the second
time, he found it,

and it had wiggled its
way behind my pancreas.

So, the third time, the
doctor took the scalpel...

Mrs. Bradley, you
may be a good cook,

but I could never
seriously consider

spending the rest of my life

with somebody who
does nothing but complain.

One to go.

Yeah, now, this
guy Thatcher told me

that his idea of
paradise was to sleep

until 11:00 every day.

Oh-ho. Now I know just
what to do in the morning.

(bugle plays reveille)

He ain't rising, Kate.

Give him some
more encouragement.

(playing reveille)

What do you think you're doing?

Just the regular Kate
Bradley health routine.

(wind whistling)

Okay, Mr. Thatcher,
now for some calisthenics.

Now, the starter... We'll
touch the toes 50 times

without bending the knees,
and then segue into 40 pushups.

Not me.

I'm going to get
back into that bed.

And when I wake
up at a decent hour,

I'm going to get out
of this boot camp!

The meeting is called to order.

Are there any motions
before the house?

Madam Chairman, I make a
motion that we bust up this committee

and stay out of Mom's life.

And tend to our homework.

(Betty Jo sighs)

I second the motion!

(Kate laughs)

(laughter)

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

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Filmways Presentation.