Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 3, Episode 33 - Hooterville Valley Project - full transcript

(train whistle blows)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪



(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows)

(barks)

I ain't got time for you now.

I got big news.

Hey, let go, you knucklehead.

All right, so you
dug another hole.



What do you expect...
The Pulitzer Prize?

All right.

Is that what you stopped me for?

Same old moldy tomahawk
you dig up every three months.

Listen, this nonsense
may be all right for you,

but I got an earth-shattering
scoop to report.

Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate!

Stop yelling, Uncle
Joe, I'm right here.

Kate, you...

you'll never guess
what happened.

Please, we're busy.

Kate, what-what's
the most fantastic thing

you can imagine?

Take a wild guess.

You got a job.

I've got something
better than that.

I got a million dollars
rolled up right here.

Bobbie Jo, would you move
your end to the right a little?

Kate, how would you like
to send the girls to college?

How would you like to
take a Mediterranean cruise?

How would you like to give
us a hand with the sofa?

- Look...
- Uncle Joe,

if you're not gonna help, move.

- Oh, hi, everybody.
- Oh, we had a wonderful swim.

Betty Jo, how'd you
like to have one of them

fancy new sport cars?

I'd love one.

But we don't have a garage

and I'd hate to
clutter up the lobby.

Billie Jo, how'd you
like to have a mink coat?

Well, if you'll include an
ermine for a change of pace.

After all, no girl
wants to be seen

at the soda fountain night
after night in the same old mink.

Biggest news that
ever hit Hooterville.

Nobody'll listen to me.

Well, you're better than nobody.

(barks)

Don't get a swelled head.

You ain't that much better.

You know what that is?

That's a map of
Hooterville Valley.

See, here's the railroad.

This here's Bleeker's Creek.

Now, the state park commission's
gonna dam up Bleeker's Creek

and create a big,
beautiful artificial lake.

Do you know what that means?

That'll bring a
booming prosperity.

The Shady Rest will be
a thriving tourist resort.

We'll make a fortune.

Get your foot out of the lake.

What lake?

You didn't want to listen to
me when I was trying to tell you.

Now I won't tell you even
if you stand on your head.

All right.

No, sir.

No use begging me to tell
you about the multimillion-dollar

Hooterville Valley Lake
project that's gonna make

Lake Tahoe look like a birdbath.

A new lake?

Here in Hooterville?

"State Planning Commission,
Engineering Division,

Hooterville Dam Project."

Where'd you get this map?

He's a friend of mine.

Big shot in the state
engineering division.

He smuggled this out to me.

Kate, the commission
ain't going to decide on this

until next week.

I didn't know you had
an important friend

at the state capitol.

If it weren't for him,
the engineering office

would be in a big mess.

What's his title?

Uh, he's the head janitor.

Just look at this, Kate.

Kate, when this
lake's filled up,

it's gonna be over
ten miles across

and have a shoreline
of over 40 miles.

My land.

State's gonna stock
the lake with fish.

We'll not only make a
lot of money from boats

and fishing poles, but we'll
corner the worm market.

Charge 'em 50 cents an inch.

Uncle Joe, where is
the Shady Rest Hotel?

Well, here's Ben
Miller's apple orchard,

and this is Scovill's Bluffs.

Now, we're just halfway between.

Right in the middle of the lake.

Well, at least it's
centrally located.

And look at the railroad tracks.

Floyd and Charley are going
to have to get diving suits.

Half the Cannonball's
right-of-way is underwater.

Now, who would want to turn
the Cannonball into a submarine

and put the Shady Rest
Hotel at the bottom of the lake?

You know, if this
weren't a state project,

I would swear this is
the work of one man.

Good thinking, Mrs. Bradley.

Homer Bedloe.

Thought I'd drop
by and say hello

before the kelp starts
growing in your lobby.

Oh, speaking about lobbies,

I personally
boondoggled this subject

through the state
legislature under the guise

of conservation of
natural resources.

You won't get away
with this, Bedloe.

Two months from
now, we'll be standing

in exactly the same spot.

As you like, but if you do,

bubbles will be coming
out of your mouth.

You know, Homer Bedloe,

you've done some
pretty contemptible things

in your life, but this is the
lowest you've ever sunk.

Thank you, Mrs. Bradley.

But not as low as
this hotel will sink.

Oh, by the way, you'll
have plenty of guests.

Catfish will be checking in,
pickerel will be checking out.

And you won't have
as much work to do

in the rooms, Mrs. Bradley.

Oyster beds don't
require a change of sheets.

Bedloe, without a doubt,

you're the most
rotten, mean, miserable,

despicable rat in the world.

Oh, I wish you'd write that
down and send it to my mother.

She'd be so proud.

You haven't won yet, Homer.

We're going to fight you
every step of the way.

That's right. I got
connections at the capitol.

I got a friend that can take me

right to the head
of this project.

Oh, well, in that case, you
don't have to write that letter

to my mother.
You'll be seeing her.

So that you'll recognize
her, here's a photograph.

What a remarkable resemblance.

Yeah. The same little
beady eyes, the same sneer.

You know, that picture was
taken on our family yacht,

the Scavenger.

The same one that
will be sailing overhead

on the new lake.

(Homer laughs)

Well, see you all at high tide.

(groaning)

(Homer cackling)

HOMER: The Shady Rest
will be under 50 feet of water.

No, no, no.

HOMER: There'll be
kelp growing in the lobby.

Catfish checking in,
pickerel checking out.

(Homer cackling)

(water gurgling)

(barking)

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

(screaming)

No. No! No, Homer Bedloe.

You won't get away with it.

You're not gonna turn my
hotel into Davy Jones' locker.

I'm gonna stop you if
it's the last thing I do!

We need 200 signatures

to get a restraining
order to stop the dam.

Now, how about it?

- All right.
- Oh.

I'll sign.

Here you are.

How about you, Fred?

I ain't signing nothing

till I have a conference
with my family.

But Doris is shopping in Pixley.

Well, but the
decision-making part

of the family is right here.

Arnold, what do
you think of that?

(snorting)

Well, all right, if you say so.

Floyd, you sign next.

Oh, no. I ain't
gonna sign nothing.

You'd better

or you'll be shoveling
perch into that boiler.

Floyd, don't be a
Benedict Arnold.

Put down your John Hancock.

Well, can't I sign just
plain old Floyd Smoot?

Yes, you can, Floyd.

I'm with you, Kate.

Thank you.

Eight signatures
already. (laughs)

Just think. All we
need is 192 more.

♪♪

♪♪

198 signatures.

Only two more, and
we could have stopped.

Pass the hotcakes.

Well, girls, we might
as well all eat something.

Homer Bedloe has
come out on top.

HOMER: How touching.

Ah... the family at breakfast.

No, no, no, please,
don't anybody get up.

Just let me enjoy this
little tableau while it lasts.

Soon this cozy dining
room will be a grotto for eels,

and you, my dear good friends,

will be a tattered
little band of gypsies

roaming homelessly
about the countryside.

Bedloe, why don't you
run over to the zoo?

I hear one of the rattlesnakes
needs a venom transfusion.

You don't fool me
a bit, Mr. Carson.

Behind that facade of hostility

lurks a deep and
heartwarming hatred.

Homer Bedloe, you
wouldn't be so brazen

if the conservation commissioner

knew what kind of man you are.

Hmm, so why don't you tell him?

Oh, Mr. Commissioner.

Uh, Mrs. Bradley,
this is Mr. Fletcher,

the Commissioner
of Conservation.

Uh, how do you do,
Mr. Commissioner?

Uh... Mr. Fletcher, this
is my Uncle Joe Carson

and, uh, my three
daughters Billie Jo...

Oh, yes, Homer here has told me

all about your
charming daughters

Billie Jo, Bobbie
Jo, and Betty Jo.

- How do you do?
- Hello.

Mother, may we be excused?

Oh, certainly. W-Would you
like some coffee, Mr. Fletcher?

- Thank you, Mrs. Bradley.
- Didn't you want to tell

the commissioner
something, Mrs. Bradley?

Yes, I did.
Mr. Fletcher, this man...

Excuse me, please.

Modesty prevents
my listening to praise.

I'd better keep
an eye on Bedloe.

I don't trust him as far as I
can throw a handful of feathers.

Uh, yes, Mrs. Bradley?

About Homer Bedloe...

There are so many
things that have happened,

- I don't know where to begin.
- Mrs. Bradley,

there is nothing
about Homer Bedloe

you could possibly tell me
that I don't already know.

Well, I'm certainly
glad to hear that.

What a generous,
public-spirited man.

Public-spirited?

- Why, he is...
- Quite, yes.

He has sacrificed the
profitable branch of his railroad

so that the people
of this valley

can enjoy the recreational
and economic benefits

of the new lake.

I've heard of brainwashing,

but Bedloe's got yours washed,

drip-dried,
starched, and ironed.

I have been forewarned
that you are the ringleader

of a tiny minority who
oppose progress in this valley.

I do not oppose progress.

I oppose drowning.

Oh, oh, you... you
don't understand

the benefits involved.

Here, let me illustrate.

Now, let's say
this is the valley.

Now let's build
a dam. (chuckles)

I've loved building dams
ever since a little shaver.

Yeah. Now, here
is a wonderful lake.

Supply of water for
farms, source of power,

a fine attraction for tourists.

Just visualize, Mrs.
Bradley, just visualize.

Around this lake
there will be cabins,

and on the lake
there will be boats.

And at the bottom of
the lake, there will be me.

Oh. Sorry.

No, no, no, no, no,
no, never mind... Oh!

Run for the hills;
the dam has broke.

Mrs. Bradley,
that lake is going in

whether you like it or not!

That's too bad.

I just know there's a
couple of people we missed.

We just got to get 200 names.

Henderson. Henderson.

Did we get all the
Henderson family?

All but Ralph... But
he refused to sign.

Oh, he did, huh?

Did you tell him
it was for Kate?

Yeah, but it didn't impress him.

He just sat there in his
crib, sucking on his rattle.

I know.

We didn't get Eustace Pockle.

Yeah, and for a
very good reason...

The sheriff's got him.

Caught Eustace
shoplifting again.

Oh, that's a shame.

And we only needed
two more signatures.

All right, you two,

let's get this
wood-burning rattrap rolling.

We've got to get to Pixley.

The commissioner's due
at the county courthouse.

Commissioner? What
are you commissioner of?

My name's Fletcher.

I'm Commissioner
of Conservation.

Gee, you're the first
commissioner we ever saw.

Hey, could you give
us your autograph?

Why, I'd be delighted. Uh... Oh.

I-I ain't got nothing
for you to write on.

Charley, you got
a hunk of paper?

Well, just this.

Here.

Thank you very much.

Well, aren't you gonna
ask for my autograph?

After all, I'm vice president
of the C. & F.W. Railroad.

All right, Floyd,
let him sign it.

There. Now can we get going?

Sure. All aboard!

♪♪

There, that'll get
us up Bleeker's Hill.

Let's have another
look at this petition.

We might think of a
couple more names.

Be a crime to throw it away
with only two names missing.

Freddie Ferguson's
name ain't down there.

Be kind of hard getting
his signature, though.

He moved to Australia in 1908.

Hey, Charley, are you trainsick?

Drink up, fellas. Soda
pop's on the house.

(Sam chuckles)

Imagine! Homer Bedloe
and the commissioner

signing the petition to put
their own dam out of business.

(laughs) That's like the
British giving Paul Revere

- a road map for his famous ride.
- Yeah!

Charley, tell us again how
you out-slickered Homer Bedloe.

Well, you see,
men, it was like this.

We was short just two
signatures on that petition...

Hey, what are
you telling 'em for?

I should be telling
'em. It was my idea.

- Your idea?!
- Yes.

Boys, boys,

it doesn't matter
whose idea it was.

The important thing is,
we have a restraining order

to stop Homer Bedloe.

HOMER: Would you mind
repeating that, Mrs. Bradley?

(laughs) Not at all, Homer.

This is a restraining order
to stop you from flooding

the Shady Rest and
submerging the Cannonball.

That's very interesting.

Mrs. Bradley, I'd like
you to take a look at this.

This is a
counter-restraining order

restraining your
restraining order

restraining me from
building the dam.

Work will begin in about a week.

Bedloe.

You're the meanest
villain since Simon Legree.

Well, let's not drag
amateurs into this.

Well, 3:00.

By now the commissioner
should have completed

his inspection of the
area and be arriving

at the Shady Rest to serve
the formal eviction notice.

(barking)

(growling)

Here, here, let go, let go now.

I have no time
to play with dogs.

(chuckles)

Persistent little
dickens, aren't you?

Well, all right, I've
inspected the rest of the area.

Might as well inspect your bone.

Well... this is interesting.

A tomahawk.

A Choctaw tomahawk.

Do you realize what you've done?

You've made an
important discovery.

(barking)

Hey, lay off that racket!

Can't you see I'm trying...?

What are you doing to that dog?

Oh, it's you.

Do you know what this is?

Yeah, it's a tomahawk.

Dog uses 'em to scalp gophers.

Digs 'em up around
here all the time.

You mean they're
all over the area?

Well, I wouldn't
say exactly all over.

Well, if they are,
it proves my theory

that the Choctaws migrated
here long before the Sioux

and the Winnebago.

You know, it's
too bad, Fletcher.

Would've made you a big man.

Kids in school would
have talked about you

as an Indian expert instead
of an underwater Mata Hari.

Now with the lake
in, they'll never know.

♪♪

I think the next best place
to dig's down by the brook.

Well, a good find'll
be worth a few blisters.

(chuckling): Oh...

You've done it
again, Commissioner.

That makes the sixth tomahawk.

Now, there's a
dedicated public servant.

- Hello, Bedloe.
- You know, Fletcher,

I'm as anxious to complete
this dam as you are,

but you'd better
wait for the crew.

There'll be no dam.

It'd be a crime to destroy such
a valuable piece of Americana.

♪♪

Uncle Joe, are you
standing on an anthill?

No, Kate... on top of
a whole Indian village.

Yes, sir, Kate, we've been
living here all our lives,

never realizing we
were right smack-dab

in the middle of an
ancient Indian burial ground.

Indian burial ground?

That's right, Mrs. Bradley.

So far we've turned up
six Choctaw tomahawks.

Well, I don't care
anything about tomahawks.

Get these people
off the state property.

No, no, no, Bedloe.
We'll need Mrs. Bradley

to look after the hotel.

Why, Shady Rest
will become a shrine,

attracting thousands of
tourists and schoolchildren

who will ride the
Cannonball and see America

as it was in the days
of the noble red man.

Oh, no.

I hate to do this, Mr. Bedloe,
but I got to tell the truth.

- Oh, no, Kate.
- They're gonna find out

one way or another, and
they'll build a dam anyway.

Find out what?

Look at this... "Made
in Japan. 1963."

So you tried to
make a fool out of me.

All right, just for that, I
will take every advantage

to see that that dam is
built as soon as possible.

Bedloe, get me a
copy of that survey.

Uh, survey... uh, well,
I-I left it in my office.

I'll... I'll have
to wire for it.

(grunts) Get away
from there, you!

Hey there!

Come back with my survey!

Hey! Hey, you!

Oh, Mr. Fletcher,
please don't read that.

It'll cost me my job.
I'll-I'll lose my pension.

Well, no wonder.

Mrs. Bradley,
just listen to this.

The commission
never saw this report.

Ha-ha-ha!

"Conclusion: While there
are certain advantages

"in building a dam in
the Hooterville area,

"it is the final recommendation
of our engineers

"that a dam across Willow Creek

is far more practical
and economical."

Willow Creek.

Why did you conceal these facts?

I can tell you why.

Because the main line
of the C. & F.W. Railroad

runs across Willow Creek,

and if the state
created a lake there,

Mr. Bedloe would have
been washed out of his job.

Mr. Bedloe...

plotting against
this good woman,

deceiving the
people of this state...

What'll your mother say?

Oh, please,
please don't tell her.

She'll never trust me to
do her dirty work again.

Bobbie Jo?

Yes, Ma.

Help me move this back, hmm?

Yeah, you first.

That's it.

Kate! Kate, it wasn't
an Indian village after all,

it was Japanese.

The dog just dug up this genuine
Japanese "sammeroy" sword.

Samurai.

That's what I
said... "sammeroy."

Well, Kate?

Your Japanese sword was
made in Akron, Ohio in 1912.

(laughing)

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

This has been a
Filmways Presentation.