Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 3, Episode 31 - Every Bachelor Should Have a Family - full transcript

(train whistle blows)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪



(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows)

Oh, Sam,

you got another bottle of
polish remover about this size?

Hello, Sam.

Oh. Forget something,
Mrs. Wilson?

No, I changed my
mind about the cherries.



Kate!

Vera! How good to see you.

It's been a long time.

How are the children?

Fine. And yours?

Mean as ever.

(laughs) Help me decide.

Do you like these
cornflowers in this hat?

Oh, yes, yes, the color
does something for your eyes.

It does something for mine, too.

Oh, Sam.

You know, you
can't stay faithful

to one girl for five minutes.

Well, you get to be my age,
every five minutes counts.

You know, Sam is right, though.

I've never seen
you look so well.

Oh, but...

Could a friend make
a guess as to why?

It must be that new
soap I've been using.

Just as you say, honey.

I-I'm glad you asked, Kate.

Ronnie Beckman's the first
man I've gone steady with

since I lost Fred.

I like him a lot.

Oh, I'm so glad for you.

Have you and Ronnie
set the date yet?

Oh, Kate, it's not that serious.

So far, it's just the
movies once a week.

Well, surely he holds your hand?

Not even if they're
playing a monster picture.

Well, then, you hold his hand.

Oh, Kate, that'd be forward.

Well, a woman is
entitled to be forward

when the romance
is going backwards.

Why don't you invite him
over for a home-cooked meal?

Asking him over for meals
would make it look pushy.

You know, like I... I
was setting my cap.

Vera, let me tell you something.

A man doesn't wake
up one morning and say,

"I think I'll get married."

You have to start the countdown.

Well, Kate, I'll-I'll
give it some thought.

I've decided on these, Sam.

Will you put it on my bill?

Oh, sure thing.

Bye, Kate.

- Bye, Vera.
- Bye, Vera.

Let's see now, Sam, um...

I'm going to need, um...

yeah, three cans of pineapple
juice, three cans of tomatoes...

Oh, thanks.

Come on, Floyd!

We got a schedule to keep!

My fault, Charley.

Simmer down, will you?

Two passengers at one time

and he falls apart at the seams.

Who's the other one?

A fella named Beckman.

Ronnie Beckman?

Yeah, he's going to Pixley.

Ronnie Beckman on
the Cannonball. Hmm!

- What's he do for living?
- Oh, he's a bookkeeper.

He moved to Hooterville
from Crystal City five years ago.

He's never been
married, he lives alone,

and monster pictures
don't scare him.

It'll be nice riding with him,

seeing as you're
such good friends.

Don't be silly!

I hardly know him.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Bradley.

Mr. Beckman!

Oh, here, let me help you.

Well, thank you.

Uh, what are you feeding,
an army or a family?

Oh, just a family.

No, an army.

I mean, uh... the hotel.

The family... the family,
they eat hardly anything.

Costs practically
nothing to feed 'em.

- (laughs)
- Oh.

Certainly cheaper
than eating out.

(bell clanging)

Not that I'm the greatest
cook in the world,

but you take my
friend, Vera Wilson.

Now, there's a cook for you.

Oh, I don't mean for you.
I mean she's a great cook.

And as I always say,

there is nothing like a
home-cooked movie.

Meal.

Yes, uh, well, I'm afraid I'm
not much of a judge of that.

Oh, well, surely you
had, uh, home cooking

when you were a child?

Uh, no, I lost both my
parents when I was just a boy.

I, uh, I have lived
alone most of my life.

Oh. I'm sorry to

bring up sad
memories, Mr. Beckman.

She put her hand on his arm.

Now he's patting her hand.

Hmph! Hardly knows him?

She ain't fooling
us, is she, Isabelle?

- (moos)
- Shh!

Save your mooing till tonight
when you're alone in the barn.

You know, um, incidentally,

that "Mr. Beckman"
sounds awfully formal.

Yeah, so does "Mrs. Bradley."

I wonder who they are, Ronnie?

I haven't the
faintest idea, Kate.

(both laugh)

(bellows loudly)

Will you shut up?

How can I hear with you bawling?

You have friends in Pixley?

Oh, yes, but it's, uh,
it's partly business.

You see, a friend of mine
owns the Pixley Lumber Yard,

and so I spend the weekend
and audit his books once a month.

Oh.

I bet you couldn't make head
or tails out of my bookkeeping.

(chuckles)

What, uh, sort of
system do you use?

The "Close Enough" system.

You see,

you figure out what you
spent and what you took in,

and whatever is left
over, that's close enough.

Anyway, it always
comes out even.

(chuckles): You should
be in Washington D.C.

That's more than they can
do with the national budget.

(laughing)

(whistle blowing)

(mooing)

You know, Kate, uh...

I'm sure it comes
as no surprise to you

that I've been seeing
Vera Wilson a lot lately.

I think it's just fine.

(whistle continues to blow)

RONNIE: But there's a problem.

Y-You see, as I
mentioned, I've lived alone...

Floyd.

Uh, this is kind of private.

Do you mind?

Oh, just thought
you'd like to know

we're passing over
Scowills Canyon,

- a sheer drop of four feet.
- Four feet.

Thank you, Floyd.

(whistle blowing)

Well, uh... marrying Vera...

I'd be taking on a family.

Yeah, but such a nice one.

Vera's children are wonderful,
they're so well-behaved.

Oh, I'm the problem.

Uh, I've never had to share so
much as a... an evening paper.

Well, Ronnie...

sh-sharing is
the best part of it.

That's what makes for happiness.

Why... I can't even imagine

being without my family.

Charley, do you have to blow
that whistle every darn minute?

Between the tootin'
and the mooin',

I can't keep track
of the wooin'.

What in the thunder
are you talking about?

Kate and that Beckman
feller are sweet on each other.

You climb all the way
up here to tell me that?

- (whistle blows) -Now
lay off the whistle, will you?

Regulations demand

that I blow this whistle
at regular intervals.

(whistle blows)

One thing I believe in is rules.

Sweet on each other?

Kate?

Well, we're coming
to the Shady Rest.

I hope you have a nice
time in Pixley, Ronnie.

- I'll carry these for you.
- Oh, you don't have to.

Floyd will help
me off with them.

I mean I'll carry
them to the hotel.

- Are you getting off here?
- I hope you have a room for me.

Oh, sure, but... I hope
you didn't take me seriously

about needing help
with my bookkeeping.

I'll be glad to audit
your books for you,

but that's not the reason
I'm getting off with you.

Well, what better way
to learn about family life

- than living with one?
- Shady Rest!

Oh, Floyd!

Well, you see, m-my family
isn't a very good example.

Oh, what I mean is,
that it isn't fair to Vera,

because she only
has two children,

and I have the hotel
and Uncle Joe...

You afraid to let me
put it to the test, Kate?

Afraid? What
would I be afraid of?

(laughs nervously) Me afraid?

I hope Kate knows
what she's doing.

Me, too.

- Who's that young fella with Kate?
- Ronnie Beckman.

A bookkeeper from Hooterville.

A bachelor bookkeeper
from Hooterville.

If he lives so close, what's
he doing at the Shady Rest?

Joe, that's a good question.

I ain't asking you for the
quality of the question.

- Just give me an answer.
- Way we figure it,

he's gonna be your new boss.

Kate's taking in a partner?

More than that, the way
they was holding hands.

Now, just a minute, Charley!

You didn't see 'em, I seen 'em.

- They was holding hands?
- Well, don't ask him, ask me.

- I'm the one that seen 'em.
- Well, I'm asking you!

Joe, I couldn't believe it.

I was in the baggage car
looking after Newt Kiley's cow,

and suddenly I opened the door,

and there, right
before my eyes...

They was holdin' hands.

And not only that,
they were sweet-talkin'.

Charley Pratt, I'll never
tell you nothing again

as long as I live!

Well, you certainly keep
the place up well, Kate.

Thank you. It is
peaceful, isn't it?

- Yes, very.
- And quiet.

A nice, quiet family atmosphere.

You used up all
the shampoo again!

There was only that much left
from the last time you used it!

Is that so? Well, it
just so happens...

You're getting water
all over my clean blouse!

- Oh...
- (yells)

I'll get your key.

And, uh, just put your
bags down anywhere.

Here, let me take this.

Thank you.

You're wearing my
blue capris again.

Well, you wore my
capris yesterday.

Well, I don't stretch
yours out of shape.

Are you implying...

Well, those double
chocolate malts

don't go to your head, you know.

- Ooh!
- Ooh!

That Georgie Davis... Some
coach he turned out to be!

If I ever speak to that
sneaky boy again...

You just wait till you
want something from me.

- Nothing you own fits me.
- Well, all he had to do was...

- Take that back!
- No, I won't!

- (girls continue arguing)
- (barking)

(girls continue arguing)

Oh, h-here's your key,
and, uh, y-your room

is the first door to
your left on the landing.

Girls, the radio's too loud.

They just love soap operas.

- (girls continue arguing)
- Dears, turn down the radio.

(girls arguing, dog barking)

Girls... girls...

- (whistles loudly)
- (arguing, barking stops)

What's the matter, Mom?

For a minute, I thought somebody
let a flock of geese in here.

Mom, will you tell her
she's not the only one

- who shampoos her hair?
- One for Billie Jo,

one for Betty Jo, and one for...

There's nothing for
you... One for Bobbie Jo.

And there's three more of
everything else in there, too.

- Hey, that's a great idea.
- Gee, you're a doll.

All right, now, you girls
can do something for me.

- Sure, Mom, what?
- We have a new guest in the hotel,

Mr. Ronnie Beckman
from Hooterville.

He's a bachelor.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Oh...

And bachelors are not
exactly ready for family life,

so for the next few days,

I would like us to make
a good impression.

So there'll be no
fighting with each other,

and I want it quiet around here.

And I don't mean everyday quiet.

I mean public library quiet.

- Understand?
- (dog barks)

And that goes... (dog barking)

(continues barking)

Stop fighting with squirrels!

And if you have to bark...

- (barking stops)
- bark silently.

(squirrel chittering)

What's it matter if this
Mr. Beckman likes us or not?

Well, it matters a lot.

I mean... I-I've got a
very special reason.

But I suppose you're entitled
to know what it's all about.

Mom, you don't ever
have to explain to us.

No. After all, we're women, too.

Sure. If there's someone
you like a lot, well...

(chuckles): Oh...
well, he's not after me.

But it's nice to know I can
count on my girls if he was.

Well, who is it then?

Look, not a word to Uncle Joe.

You know what a
blabbermouth he is.

It's Vera Wilson.

And Mr. Beckman came
here to kind of try out family life.

And that's why I don't want
any arguing or noisy carryings on.

If Mr. Beckman
likes living here,

he's liable to pop the question.

And that's why this family is
going to be loving and sweet

and polite to each
other if it kills 'em!

More potatoes, Mr. Beckman?

No, thank you.

Billie Jo?

Thank you.

On second thought, I better not.

But, darling, with your
figure, you can eat anything.

What a darling
thing for you to say.

Thank you, dear.

This is the Shady
Rest Hotel, ain't it?

Well, Betty Jo, I'm sorry
your team lost the ball game.

Huh. Your boyfriend,
Georgie Davis,

ain't such a hot coach
after all. (chuckles)

Why, Uncle Joe, he tried.

Nobody's perfect.

Kate, you better
call Doc Stuart.

This girl's got a fever.

After all, it's not who wins,

but how you play
the game that counts.

Spoken like a true sportsman.

And such a loving thought.

Who else but our little sister

could be so loyal
to a losing team.

Losing...?

Well, there's always
a bright day tomorrow.

Hey, wait for me.

I can't take any
more of this either.

Don't you want
dessert, Uncle Joe?

Oh, I've had enough
sweets for one meal.

Better take it easy
with that bone there.

You're too young to
remember rationing.

Once them bookkeepers
get their hooks into a budget,

all that sweet talk
they're giving out with,

that's just icing for
the wedding cake.

So, you don't
like it either, huh?

So, this calls for "stragedy."

Now here's what we've gotta do.

How about a game
of checkers, Ronnie?

Ah, you got a deal.

Red or black?

Oh, uh, you choose.

Well, I guess I might
as well take the red,

seeing as how we're always
in the red around here anyway.

(snarls)

Hold your horses.

(snarls)

Now cut it out!

Who's playing this
game, you or me?

Does that dog
actually play checkers?

Oh, he ain't so smart.

I beat him two
games out of three.

- (barks) -All right,
one game out of three.

Oh, that cost you.

(barks)

Nobody likes a smart aleck.

Now beat it.

(barks)

That is a smart dog.

Yeah, well, I wish he'd
remember it at mealtime.

He eats like a horse.

That's one of the
troubles with kids.

They always want pets, and
that's more mouths to feed.

Dogs don't eat just
any ol' thing nowadays.

See what I mean?

Kids, too. Eat, eat, eat.

Have an apple, Uncle Joe.

An apple.

They eat all the time.

It's your move.

You have no idea what it costs
to dress a family these days.

Why, shoes alone.

I don't see how Kate does it

with the hotel business
being as lousy as it is.

I thought the Shady
Rest was doing quite well.

Yeah, I guess you did.

That poor girl hasn't got a
dime she can call her own.

We better play fast.

They may repossess
these chairs any minute.

KATE: Uncle Joe, can
I see you a second?

Excuse me a minute.

Uncle Joe, how
come you're putting on

such a poor mouth with that man?

Kate, there's one thing I
ain't got, and that's false pride.

But it's my pride you're
kicking around. Why?

If there's one thing I am,
it's a character reader,

and I can smell a fortune
hunter a mile away.

A fortune... Wait a minute.

Have you got an idea
that that man is after me

and for my money?

You're darned tooting.

(Kate laughs)

It's just in case
he's got an idea

- of latching onto a rich widow...
- (laughing)

(growling)

(dog barks)

Shh! Quiet.

It's only Uncle Joe.

I guess he thought
you were Prince Philip.

Where are you going?

Church.

All this sunshine
and love is killing me.

At least the preacher
gets mad once in a while.

Yeah, it will be a relief.

Ooh, look what time it is.

I'd better change or
the girls and I will be late.

You forgot to let your
bathwater run out of the tub.

I haven't taken my bath yet!

Of all the slowpokes, I
thought you were through!

You let it run out?!

With my best bath salts?!

Oh, you dumb little kid you!

Who's a dumb little kid?!

Oh, shh!

(hushed): He'll hear you.

Oh.

(mouthing)

Can I serve you some
more chicken, Ronnie?

Oh, I'm full up, Kate.

But I could eat your fried
chicken for the rest of my life.

It don't always
turn out the same.

How was the sermon at
church this morning, Mr. Carson?

Long.

What did he preach about?

Sin.

What did he have to say?

He was agin it.

Well, does anyone want
any more of anything?

- No, thank you, Mom.
- I couldn't eat another thing.

Well, I'll go get dessert, then.

I'll help, Mom.

- Me, too.
- (chuckles): I'd like to help, too.

What a fine family.

And what wonderful girls.

Gonna cost a fortune
to marry 'em off.

Girl's father pays for
the wedding, you know.

I want you girls to know
I'm real proud of you.

This hasn't been easy.

Do you think he's
getting the message?

I think we're coming
into the homestretch.

If we win, it'll
be by a whisper.

Mom, I don't think
we're really being honest.

And you call yourself a woman?

- Mmm, this pie looks scrumptious.
- Yeah.

That won't go to
your head, either.

Mom, if she doesn't stop
those snide remarks...

Now, girls.

You know, I can hardly
wait to see Vera Wilson

and tell her all about this.

I'll bet he's gonna
propose to her.

But when?

Well, that's up to Ronnie.

He, Betty Jo, Georgie
Davis is in there.

Oh, he is?

Well, he'll wish he weren't.

I've got plenty to say to him.

Well, hold it for another time.

I don't want any
fighting or yelling today.

Mom, our team lost the
game on account of him.

How would you like to lose
that advance on your allowance

I promised you?

You wouldn't.

You would.

Oh...

I hate to disturb
you, Mr., uh...

Oh, Beckman's the name.
And you're not disturbing me.

I'm just reading
the weather report.

Oh, well, did you happen to hear

if-if Betty Jo
mentioned anything

about being mad at me?

Now, how could a
wonderful girl like Betty Jo

- ever be mad at anyone?
- Huh?

Hello, Georgie!

Oh, hi, Betty Jo.

Gee, I-I was afraid you'd be
mad at me on account of we lost.

Oh, well, George, after
all, it's not who wins

but how you play the game.

Let's go out on the porch.

(chuckles)

Are you sure you're not
mad about what happened?

Why, Georgie, how could I
be mad at such a wonderful boy

on such a wonderful day?

You have your nerve to
show your face around here!

What?

All you had to do
was call for a sacrifice.

- Now, listen...
- When Mary Lou was at bat,

you should have
told her to bunt.

Whose side are you on?

Now, what kind
of question is that?

Will you get out of here?

Not until you let me explain.

Go! G... (chuckles)

(cheerily): Go, go, go!

Yeah, paper says rain.

There's not a chance.

Not a cloud in
the sky. (chuckles)

(chuckles): Oh.

For your information, I
signaled Mary Lou to bunt,

but she's such a show-off,

she couldn't resist
taking another swing.

Oh. Georgie, I'm
sorry. I-I didn't know.

That's what's the matter
with girls' ball teams.

The players are girls,
and girls are goofy.

One minute you're poison,

and the next minute
they're all over you.

- But let me explain...
- Don't bother.

I know.

You're a girl!

Ooh, I hope you do rain...

All over that Ronnie Beckman!

Mom, are you sure
it's not too tight?

Billie Jo, your figure is fine.

Sure. What's a little baby fat?

- Bobbie Jo, I swear, I...
- Shh, quiet.

What a drag. Can't
I even play records?

Not yours.

Maybe I'll get lucky and
find an old Lawrence Welk.

Kate, I'd like to pay my bill.

- KATE: Are you leaving?
- Yes, I am.

Uh... well, what is it?

You just said the magic word.

Uh... you ought to know
better than to ask me for a bill.

Well, we've just
loved having you here.

Haven't we, girls?

- Oh, yes, it was great.
- Oh, yeah. It's been nice.

Oh, of course. Why,
you've been a delight.

I just lost my appetite.

And I hope it
helped you to decide.

Oh, yes, uh...
yes, it did. Uh...

I've, uh, never known
anything like this before.

(train whistle blows)

Oh, there's the train.
Well, good-bye, all.

- Take care of yourself.
- And-and thanks! Thanks a lot.

Good-bye!

Now, Bobbie Jo,
I've got a few words

- to say to you.
- (dog barking)

I'm glad he's gone...
You shouldn't have

brought him here
in the first place!

- Now, wait a minute!
- No, he's right, Mom!

- (overlapping arguing)
- (dog barking)

After all, I'm only human!

BOBBIE JO: Oh.

I forgot my briefcase.

(several talking at once)

Hold it, hold it.

I'm glad you came back.

We've been trying to
give you the impression

that we're a bunch
of goody-goodies,

and it's downright dishonest.

That kind of family life
is only in storybooks,

and you'll find
that life at Vera's

is... just the
same as it is here.

People fight and they
love and they kiss,

and it's hectic
most of the time.

Well, I think Bobbie Jo
said it: you're only human.

And I'm darned glad you are.

You know, when
I left here before,

- I had decided that I couldn't marry Vera.
- Why?

Well, because a man...
Especially a bachelor...

Has just simply got to
be crabby once in a while.

You know, maybe
even have a knockdown

and drag-out sometimes.

If I thought life could be like
this at Vera's sometimes...

(laughs): It will, it will.

- (girls talking at once)
- It's much worse than here.

Well, all right,
then, I'll give it a try.

Congrats. Remember, we got
a package deal for weddings.

- Oh, congratulations.
- Well, thank you.

- I just think it's wonderful.
- Congratulations.

(indistinct chatter)

I knew it.

I knew it was gonna happen.

You're getting a wonderful
woman with three fine children.

- I thought she had two children.
- No. Count 'em.

One, two, three.

It's been a long time
since I kissed a bride.

To us, she'll always
be Kate Bradley.

Boys, y-you're confused.

Ron is marrying Vera Wilson.

FLOYD & CHARLEY: Vera Wilson?

And after all that hand holdin'
and sweet talkin' to Kate!

It's all right, boys.

Ron and Vera are in love.

Kate, you're taking
this like a man.

Well, as-as Betty
Jo always says,

it isn't whether
you win or lose,

it's how you play the game!

♪♪

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

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Filmways Presentation.