Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 3, Episode 27 - Second Honeymoon - full transcript

(train whistle blows)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪



(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows)

(crashing, booming sound)

For a little dog,

you make as much
noise as a Saint Bernard.

Kate, big news.

Uncle Joe, I've got
news for you, too.



Yesterday I asked you to
put this aluminum sheeting

in the toolshed until
you're ready to fix the roof.

Wait till you read
what's in the letter.

Uncle Joe, we are working.

But, Kate... Kate...

Kate.

Now, where did I
put my dust cloth?

Here, read it for yourself.

Kate, you remember the couple

that honeymooned
here a few years back?

Well, I don't know, we've
had a lot of honeymooners.

Well, you know, the newlyweds.

Well, it seems to me that all
honeymooners are newlyweds.

Well, these particular
newlywed honeymooners

were here about ten years
ago according to their letter.

See?

You girls were too
young to remember,

but their name was Anderson.

Here, see what they
say in the letter, Kate.

Yeah.

Their tenth wedding
anniversary is coming up,

and they remembered
having such a good time here,

they want to come back
for a second honeymoon.

Oh, boy, customers again.

Well, Kate, what did
you think of the letter?

I think it's the most
beautiful letter I almost read.

Well, we're back in business.

Now, girls, don't
count your chickens

before they're registered.

Besides which, we have a lot
of work around here to finish up.

Kate, I figured you'd be
all excited about the news.

Oh, I am glad about
the business, Uncle Joe,

but I don't see why I
should get so worked up.

After all, it's only
two customers.

Well, Kate, don't you
see the possibilities?

I can't even see my dust cloth.

It is sure lucky for you
my brain is on its toes.

Don't you see, if one
couple wants to come here

for a second honeymoon,

why not all the other couples
that honeymooned here?

Aha!

I knew you'd like it.

There it is, behind the flowers.

Now, what were you
saying, Uncle Joe?

Confound it, Kate.

Why are you always laughing
at my big moneymaking ideas?

I don't always laugh at 'em.

Sometimes I cry.

Mom, maybe this time Uncle
Joe's hit on something big.

I can't see anything
wrong with the idea.

Of course not.
It's a great idea.

I'll bet couples like
Walter and Elsie Shepherd,

who got married
here, they'd come.

And plenty of others, too.

Well... I knew
you'd like the idea.

Let's look up all our
old honeymooners

and send them an
announcement of our gala reunion.

And to make it easy
for them to reply,

why don't we include a
self-addressed return envelope?

And then all they have
to do is fill in the date.

Yeah.

Sounds like a good idea,

but it's going to be
rough on you, Uncle Joe.

Me?

Well, sure.

The first couple to arrive are
going to want the same room

they spent their honeymoon in,

and that means you'll have
to go back down the hall

and give up the bridal suite.

(hissing)

Charley...

- What do you want?
- Can I blow the whistle?

Be my guest.

(train whistle blows)

Can I do it again?

Hmm... I reckon.

(train whistle blows)

Thanks, Charley.

Uh, could I ask you a question?

Sure.

What are we blowing
the whistle for?

Let the girls know we're here.

Oh.

Hi, boys.

- Hi, Kate.
- Kate.

The girls won't
be going to town.

They're helping Uncle Joe.

I, uh, don't suppose
you have any mail.

Sure. Floyd?

I reckon that's the answers
you've been waiting for.

Oh! Well, I didn't dream

that Uncle Joe's idea
would fetch this many replies.

I can't figure out
why so many people

would want a second honeymoon.

Well, I can.

"As each returning spring
renews the promise of youth,

"so a second honeymoon
renews the dream of love

in two blissful hearts."

Floyd...

that's the most touching
thing I ever heard.

Yeah?

There wasn't a dry sack of
popcorn in the Bijou Theater

when Conrad Nagel said
them words to Mae Busch

in Reunion in Hackensack.

Really?

Well, if you boys
will excuse me,

I'd like to get back up to the
hotel and open these letters.

Thanks.

Sure, Kate.

Floyd, I didn't want to
embarrass you in front of Kate,

but it wasn't Conrad
Nagel that said that.

Well, who was it?

Hoot Gibson.

He said it to his horse.

I wrote this sign like you
asked me to, Uncle Joe,

but I still don't understand.

Where's Lover's Pond?

What's the matter
with you, girl?

Lover's Pond is out back.

We want the place to
look romantic, don't we?

What if we put out a sign with
the real name, "Scully's Swamp"?

How's this, Uncle Joe?

We don't have a Tunnel of Love.

We don't have any tunnel.

Well, if anybody pins us down,

we can flood the old
cave back in the hillside,

shove in a rowboat,
and we're in business.

Uncle Joe...

I've scrubbed and
scrubbed this old Cupid,

but I can't do a thing with it.

Well, second honeymooners
ain't very critical.

Give it a coat of whitewash,
and it'll look as good as new.

Ah, it's great work, girls.

By the time we're finished,

the Shady Rest will look as
romantic as Cleopatra's barge.

(laughs)

Uncle Joe, girls,
look at all this mail.

There must be at
least 25 answers here.

- Isn't that wonderful?
- (girls exclaiming)

You know, if all 25
couples show up,

we'll only have
room for half of 'em.

Oh, well, we'll give
Niagara Falls a break

and send them our leftovers.

Here, girls, we've
got to figure out

how many couples
we're going to have.

Now, then, we will put the,
um... "yes" answers here

and the "no" answers here.

There ain't gonna
be no "no" answers.

Here's an answer from
Walter and Elsie Shepherd.

- Oh.
- Here's number one.

They can't come.

He can't get away from
his business at this time.

Here's another "no."

Oh, this is a "no," too.

Well, that don't mean nothing.

Three out of three turndowns

ain't nothing to
get shook up about.

Um...

How does four out of four
affect your nervous system?

Oh, here's one
that isn't a "no."

It's marked...
"Address Unknown."

Ah, you're all just a bunch
of jinxes, that-that's all.

Let me open one.

I'll change your luck.

Where'd you say
the "yes" pile was?

(chuckles) Right over there.

Good.

Anybody gets a
"yes," put it over there.

Keep looking.

There's bound to be a
"yes" in there somewhere.

(train whistle blows)

Well, here come our guests.

Both of them.

But I guess we
shouldn't complain.

Things could have been worse.

How do you figure?

Every one of the couples
we invited turned us down.

Well, at the rate those
letters were coming in,

we're lucky the first
couple didn't cancel.

At least they're coming.

I still think it's a good idea.

Uncle Joe, you
have wonderful ideas.

It's just that we
can't afford 'em.

And those couples
that turned us down

don't know what they're missing.

They will when they see
the pictures I'm going to send.

What pictures?

Pictures of the fun the
Andersons are having

on their second honeymoon.

When the others see them,

they'll want to break
down the doors to get in.

Oh. Well, I sure hope
our guests have fun.

I'm a little worried
about the weather.

There isn't enough
sun to take pictures.

Don't need the sun, so long
as I got this flash attachment.

Here come your guests, Kate.

Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Anderson,

welcome back to the Shady Rest.

- Hello, Mrs. Bradley.
- How are you?

- Hello, Mrs. Bradley.
- Hello, Mr. Carson. -Hello.

Get out of the way, Floyd.

I want to get a picture of the
Andersons getting off the train.

Now, don't move a muscle.

This is just the
beginning, folks.

I'm going to capture every
golden moment of your honeymoon.

Now get the luggage, Floyd.

Yes, sir, this is going to
be a time you'll never forget.

(Mr. Anderson coughs)

Oh, Mrs. Bradley,

surely these young
ladies can't be those tiny...

- Those tiny...
- JOE: Smile.

Step right there.

S-S-Step... Thank you.

Why, this hotel is more
charming than I remembered.

- KATE: Uh-huh.
- It's really just...

No, no, uh...

s-sign right, r-right
here, Mr. Anderson.

Thank you.

Now hold it, Kate.

And now smile.

Not you, numskull.

I'm talking to Kate.

All right, now
let's try it again.

Consarn it, how can
I get a clear picture

if you keep moving that spoon?

Well, hurry it up.

I don't want my
batter to settle.

Well, if you
don't stop stirring,

it's going to look like
your arm's got 14 elbows.

There.

What good is a
picture of the cake now?

Why don't you
wait till it's finished?

I want to take pictures
of every step of the way.

This is going to be the
most complete brochure

I've ever made up.

Uncle Joe, didn't you
take enough pictures yet?

Yeah, you've been photographing
Mr. and Mrs. Anderson

ever since they got here.

That's right.

You took a picture of
'em getting off the train,

walking up to the hotel,

crossing the lobby,

signing the register. What next?

Uncle Joe, you
asked me to tell you

when the Andersons
came out of their room.

Good girl. Excuse me, Kate.

I got to go take
some more pictures

of the happy couple.

I hope they ain't wasting
their time enjoying themselves

before I get there.

You're not going anywhere,
except to the woodpile.

Betty Jo, will you run
along with your uncle

and take some pictures
of him chopping wood?

Well, Kate, there's no market

of a picture of me
chopping wood.

Oh, yes, there is.

I can sell them to Outlandish
Adventure Magazine.

They feature fantasy.

Do you see him around anywhere?

No.

Look, let's go for a walk while
the coast is still clear, huh?

Yeah.

Hi.

- Oh.
- Oh, hi, Billie Jo.

- I'm Betty Jo.
- Oh, my goodness.

- Well, you girls have all changed so much.
- Yes.

She resembles her mother,
don't you think, dear?

Hmm?

Uh, can we get a
little smile there?

We want you looking happy.

I think she favors her uncle.

All right, let's, uh...
get it over with.

That's it. Hold it.

You hold it.

I'm sure that Mr. and
Mrs. Anderson

would like a little privacy.

But, Mom, Uncle Joe
appointed me his assistant.

I am un-appointing you.

People on their second honeymoon

would like to be by themselves.

Oh, they would?

Well, I know there's
a lot of keen privacy

over at Lover's Rock
o-or Lover's Pond.

Oh, Jeff, doesn't
that sound romantic?

- Why don't we go over...?
- No, no, no, no.

We don't want to know
where you're going.

If you want some privacy,
keep it to yourselves, hmm?

That's a very good
idea, Mrs. Bradley.

Come on, Nancy.

Oh, boy, we'd
better get out of here.

Please, honey, I got to
rest just a minute, please.

Okay.

Say, if I remember correctly,

the brook was over in
that direction somewhere.

Oh, my, imagine your
remembering after ten years' time.

(chuckles) How
could I forget, darling?

(Nancy chuckles)

- Come on.
- Yeah.

Shh-shh-shh.

- What's the matter?
- Listen.

(rustling)

(hushed): Come on.

Aha!

My Indian lore tells me that
they went toward the brook.

We'll try to get
to the brook later.

- Yeah.
- Come on, darling.

I wonder where they are now.

The Andersons?

Right now their second
honeymoon is renewing the dream

of love in two blissful hearts.

Gee, Mom, that's just beautiful.

Well, it isn't original with me.

Conrad Nagel
said it to Mae Busch

in Reunion in Hackensack.

(both chuckle)

I feel like we've
walked 500 miles.

Can we sit down
just for a minute, huh?

Sure.

Oh, Jeff, I'm sorry.
This is all my fault.

I should never have
suggested we come back here

for our second honeymoon.

Well, I can't let you
take all the blame.

After all, I thought it
was a wonderful idea, too.

It's just that we didn't
count on all this, uh...

running around.

- Yeah.
- (chuckles)

- Hey.
- Hmm?

Hey, I think we'd
better get back.

I don't like the
looks of the weather.

Yeah. You know, Mrs. Bradley
was saying how unpredictable

the weather is
this time of year.

Oh?

- Jeff.
- Hmm?

Do you remember the first storm

we were caught out in together?

Hmm, yeah, all that
thunder and lightning.

Mm. Honey, you
never told anybody

what really happened, did you?

(chuckles) Of
course not, darling.

Well, there's nothing
to be ashamed of.

After all, lots of people are
afraid of thunder and lightning

and rush into someone's
arms for protection.

You know, ten years ago

I was happy I was
the girl you found.

I still am.

I'm happy I found you, too.

And I'm happy I
found the both of you.

(groans)

Well, no, there are no
connections back home

until tomorrow.

But why do you want to leave?

Well, I'm sorry, Mrs. Bradley,

but, well, our second
honeymoon isn't turning out

exactly the way we planned.

It's just that we didn't expect
to run into a mad photographer.

I get more rest at home
when I'm cooking and cleaning

and taking care
of my five children.

Look, to make
up for your bother,

we won't charge
you up until now.

So, why don't you two
go and relax for a while?

Tonight we're giving
you an anniversary party.

(chuckles)

Oh, that's very sweet.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry
we had to complain.

No, no, no, you were
right, you were right.

I promise you no
more picture taking.

And if a camera bug
shows up, I'll step on it.

You mean I can't take
even one more picture?

That's right.

Not even a shot of the couple
cutting their anniversary cake?

No more pictures,
and that's final.

But, Kate, it'd be so beautiful.

Husband and wife holding
the knife at the same time,

cutting the first slice.

Uncle Joe, if you
take any more pictures,

the first slice they
cut won't be cake.

It'll be you.

Kate, how can I have a complete
brochure if I don't have...?

Uncle Joe, listen to me.

You have no idea how
upset those people were.

You should have
seen their faces.

They were a bundle of nerves
coming apart at the seams.

Oh, that don't mean nothing.

All married people
look like that.

They got that way
when you decided

to be a one-man Candid Camera.

Now, would you
please let them enjoy

the rest of their honeymoon?

I guess I was a little selfish.

Well, yes, you were.

Now, why don't you go in there
and apologize to them right now

and then see to it that
they have a wonderful time?

Leave it to me, Kate.

So I want to apologize
for all the fuss and bother

I caused you folks.

Oh, that's all
right, Mr. Carson.

It's just that it was a little
unnerving, you know, not knowing

where you're gonna pop up
with that camera next. (chuckles)

Yeah, well, you should
have spoken up sooner.

If you'd have said "no
pictures" right away,

this wouldn't have happened.

Well, we didn't want
to hurt your feelings.

People should speak up.

You know, if they don't,
things pile up inside,

and the first thing you
know, they explode, right?

Well, some people maybe.

Surely you two
should understand that

after being married
for ten years.

I'll bet there's been lots
of times you've gotten

something off your chest
with a good toe-to-toe battle.

The next thing you knew,
it was out of your system

and you'd forgotten
about it, right?

Mr. Carson, it may
interest you to know

that my wife and I have
never had a quarrel in our lives.

- Never?
- Never.

- Not even a little argument?
- Nope. No.

I am married to the best
housekeeper in the world,

the best mother in the world,

and the best wife in
the world, right? Mmm!

- Thank you, dear.
- (chuckles)

How do you feel
about him being married

to all these different women?

I don't mind. I feel the
same way about Jeff.

I never thought it possible

that two people could
be married that long

without finding some
little something to pick on.

Well, we've done it,
haven't we, honey?

Mmm... mwah!

Even Helen is as
surprised as you are.

- Helen?
- Helen's my sister.

Yeah. Yeah, if it wasn't
for Helen, you know,

we wouldn't be here on
our second honeymoon.

Mm, Helen's a real doll.

She is. She certainly is.

And she is a very
good housekeeper.

Mm-hmm. Oh,
Helen's very helpful.

Wait a minute, dear.

Hmm?

What do you think I do

around the house all
day, play hopscotch?

Oh, honey, I didn't mean you
weren't a good housekeeper.

I was just telling
Mr. Carson here

what a wonderful
sister you have.

Oh. Well, if Helen's
so wonderful,

maybe you'd rather
be here with her.

I don't want to be here with
her. I want to be here with you.

Now, if I were
here with Helen...

Oh, so you were thinking
about being here with Helen!

I wasn't thinking about
anything. I was merely...

I think a nice cool drink
would go good right now.

I'll get some punch.

Mr. Carson was right.

If something was bothering you,

why didn't you bring
it out in the open?!

Nothing is bothering me.

Absolutely nothing!

It wouldn't bother me if
Helen moved out tomorrow.

Oh! Oh, so now you
don't like my sister!

Oh, honey!

Gee, it looks lovely, Mom.

I'm glad.

I wanted it to match the
beauty of their marriage.

They're a very devoted couple.

Well, it seems like
20 years to me, too.

Just for that, you can find
yourself a separate room

to sleep in tonight!

- Well, that's fine with me, fine with me.
- Fine, fine!

I'm gonna go upstairs and get
my things before you burn them!

(Nancy growls)

She didn't even taste it.

Uncle Joe, this has all
the earmarks of a quarrel.

Yeah, I'm afraid so.

What started it?

They're married. They
don't need a reason.

There, then.

Take that up to Mrs.
Anderson in her room

and this up to
Mr. Anderson in his room.

Poor people.

And to think they came
here to celebrate ten years

of happy married life together.

Mm-hmm.

And they could have been
married another 50 years

had they not run into
185 pounds of bad luck.

Mrs. Anderson took her dinner in
her room and she won't come out.

Mr. Anderson, too.

He won't come out for
fear of running into his wife.

Doesn't it break your heart?

If only there were some way

to get them into each
other's arms again.

- Kate...
- Whatever it is,

I don't want to hear it.
You've caused enough trouble.

Come with me, Uncle Joe.

Uncle Joe, I asked you to put
that aluminum in the toolshed.

Kate, I thought you
were fond of me.

Well, I am, but what's
that got to do with anything?

You know how great a conductor
of electricity aluminum is.

What if I should get
struck by lightning?

I'd go up like crêpe suzette.

Uncle Joe, that
isn't gonna work.

(aluminum crashes)

Uncle Joe, must you be so noisy?

You sound like a thunderstorm.

Thunderstorm!

Kate, you've done it again!

I'll be a monkey's uncle if you
didn't come up with the answer.

I did?

You've come up with a sure way

of getting that couple
back in each other's arms.

I don't know what I did, but
I'm sure glad I did what I did.

What'd I do?

You reminded me of what
Jeff Anderson told his wife

this afternoon out in the woods.

What'd he say?

Well, they were
talking about one time

they got lost in a storm

- out in the woods together.
- Yes? What about it?

Well, she said she hoped

he'd never tell anybody
what happened.

He said she shouldn't be
ashamed of a thing like that.

Thing like what?

Well, he said that
lots of people ran

into each other's arms when
they heard thunder and lightning.

Oh, you mean if there's

a thunder-and-lightning
storm tonight,

she might run into his arms?

That's exactly what I mean.

Yeah, well, we're out of
luck because the radio said

that the storm headed this
way has changed its course.

Oh, what do they know?

It's gonna storm, all right.

I can feel it clear
down to my lumbago.

Uncle Joe, the lumbago
isn't gonna work either.

To the toolshed.

You flagged the Cannonball
just to tell us that dumb idea?

All right, Charley, if you don't
want to help Floyd and me,

you don't need to.

- Right, Floyd?
- Yeah. Help us what?

Like I told you, create a big
thunder-and-lightning storm

for the newlyweds.

You mean you and me,
two ordinary human beings,

gonna create a thunder-
and-lightning storm?

Sure.

(aluminum crashing)

(hushed): She's not scared.

Nancy!

Nancy?

Nancy! Nancy!

He's scared that she's scared.

Aw, don't be frightened,
dear, it's only a thunderstorm.

No wonder she didn't
want him to tell anybody.

He's the one...

I'm sorry, dear.
I-I've never been able

to get over this
feeling all my life.

(Joe screams, metal crashes)

Uncle Joe, if I were you,

I'd give up thunderstorms
and specialize in light drizzles.

- Bye-bye.
- Folks, if you're gonna make a connection,

we got to get going.

Well, we want to thank
you for a wonderful time.

You won't forget to send us
the pictures, will you, Mr. Carson?

Oh, you want the wallet
size or the jumbo size?

I can give you a special
price on the jumbos.

Uncle Joe.

Now, you be sure and come
back on your third honeymoon.

- All right, good-bye.
- Bye-bye. -Come back again.

- Bye-bye. -Bye.
- Bye. -Bye.

Take care.

Well, there's another
marriage I saved.

How do you figure that?

They were building up
all those little grievances

against each other
for years, weren't they?

If it weren't for me,

they never would have
brought 'em out in the open.

That couple will live
happily from now on.

And you take credit for that?

I planned the whole thing.

I figure it's one of the
best business propositions

I ever thought of.

We'll have all these old
married couples out here

for one grand battle, get
everything out of their system.

Uncle Joe, you
make marriage sound

like it was Custer's Last Stand.

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

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