Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 3, Episode 28 - Kate Sells the Hotel - full transcript

(train whistle blows)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪



(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows)

Well, I've got a few
questions to ask the girls.

What do you want
out of this catalog?

Gee, Mom, it's awfully heavy.

And that's only from "A" to "H."

Oh, there's some
darling dresses in there.



Well, let me see the
baseball equipment.

(girls clamoring)

The catalog seems to be
a big event around here.

Is it some special occasion?

Oh, the only occasion is
that the girls haven't had

anything new in a while.

I hope their questions
haven't been interfering

with your writing.

Interfering?

Why, I get more work
done here in one day

than I did in a
week in New York.

This hotel is a wonderful
place for writing.

I'm glad to hear that,

'cause it's a terrible
place for a hotel.

And for, um, three young girls?

Have you ever seen
three happier girls?

No, nor three prettier
or brighter girls.

Thank you.

It just seems they should
have more opportunities

than they'll ever get here.

Oh, they couldn't be pried
away from the Shady Rest.

(barking)

There's nobody in New
York can announce trains

better than that little fellow.

(train whistle blows twice)

Oh, and that whistle means
Uncle Joe is back from the bank.

Excuse me, please.

Surely.

Uncle Joe, you mean
Mr. Gurney wouldn't...

He said he was sorry,
but he was running a bank.

And it just wouldn't
be good business.

But lending money
is a bank's business.

And I've always paid
the interest on time.

Well, it wasn't the interest he
was principally interested in.

What he was principally
interested in was the principal.

How can a bank be so mean?

I got a good mind to
send back their calendar.

Girls, uh, I don't know
how to tell you this...

You don't have to tell us.

There's nobody around
here to admire me

in a pretty dress anyway.

There's nobody to
play baseball with.

And who am I gonna
read poems to?

Billie Jo, I'll
admire your dress,

And, Betty Jo, you
can play ball with me.

And you can
either pitch or catch.

And, Bobbie Jo, you
can read your love poems

to me any time you want.

Thanks, Uncle Joe.

But that isn't exactly
what I had in mind.

I see what she means,

but I'm the best I got to offer.

You know, it isn't
fair to the girls.

Maybe we ought to move
somewhere where there's

more teenagers like themselves.

KATE: Move?

How can we afford to move

when we can't
even afford to stay?

JOE: Don't worry, Kate.

Once I put my brain
to the grindstone...

No wonder Mr. Gurney
turned you down.

You forgot to give him the
rhubarb pie I baked for him.

The nerve of him.

You mean he ate my pie

and then turned down the loan?

No, no, Kate.

First he turned down the loan,

then he ate the pie.

He's got more
crust than the pie.

Oh, why should I blame him?

The truth of the matter is
that I've never made a go

of this hotel and sometimes
I wish I could get rid of it.

Is there any more of this?

How can you think of eating

at a time like this?

When I'm frustrated I eat.

From the looks of you,

your life has been
one long frustration.

Mrs. Bradley?

Oh, Mr. Deming, is there
something I can do for you?

Yes, there is.

You can sell me the Shady Rest.

(laughs)

I'm serious, Mrs. Bradley.

I'd like to buy the Shady Rest.

I've been thinking
about it all week.

I'd be making an investment

in peace and quiet.

Yes.

Sometimes the peace and quiet

around here is nerve-racking.

Besides, it hasn't
been very profitable.

It would be to me.

The way I can work here, why,
it would pay for itself in no time.

And you and the girls could
move to the city where they belong.

The girls would never
be happy away from here.

Mrs. Bradley, are
you sure of that?

Mothers know their daughters.

I remember when I
was their age, I would...

I would...

Come to think of
it, I'm not so sure.

But, um...

Sell the Shady Rest?

I know it's sudden,

but, uh, you think it over.

Sell the Shady Rest.

Couple more turns and I'll
have this drain unclogged.

Uncle Joe, look
what you've done!

I found the problem, Kate.

What we need's a new pipe.

And a new sink and a new stove

and a new refrigerator
and a new roof and a...

Uncle Joe, what would you
say if I sold the Shady Rest?

Sell the Shady Rest?

You wouldn't like
that, would you?

I'd love it.

Well, you sure don't
look very happy about it.

Well, I was just
thinking, who'd buy, uh,

an old rundown place like this?

Six, seven, eight...
(laughing): Hi.

I was just getting an idea
of the size of the lobby.

Hmm.

You know, uh, figuring
how I'd remodel it

if I owned the hotel.

Oh.

Did you say "own the hotel"?

That's right.

You'd be interested in
buying this rundown...

You'd be interested in
buying the Shady Rest?

I sure would.

Kate, Kate, put down your iron

and get ready to
pay me a commission.

What?

You remember a minute
ago you were despairing

about selling the Shady Rest?

Just like that, I
come up with a buyer.

You did?

Yeah, it's that novel-writing
feller Carter Deming.

Uncle Joe.

First I got to think of some way

to unshamble the place,
make it more attractive to him.

Uncle Joe, Mr. Deming already
told me he likes the Shady Rest.

Kate, I'm gonna sell it to him

without him even
knowing he's being sold.

Uncle Joe.

Mr. Deming, you had me fooled.

I really thought you
was one of them writers.

I beg your pardon?

Aw, come on now.

I know why you want
to buy this property.

You're one of them
archaeologists.

Archaeologists?

Sure.

You know about the big
oil field under this property.

I think you mean,
uh, geologists.

What's geologists?

They're interested in rocks.

Oh... oh!

Then you know about
the diamond mine, too?

No, Mr. Carson,
I'm not interested

in oil wells or diamond mines.

Then you must've found out
about the healthful atmosphere here.

Doggone it. I let that slip out.

Mr. Deming, I hope
you'll forget I said that.

And I hope you'll forget we got

the healthiest
atmosphere in the world.

Birds with chests out to here.

Man could live to be a hundred

and feel like a
pup all the time.

How's that for 96 years old?

Pardon me, Nijinsky.

Would you pirouette
out to the woodshed

and bring back an
armload of kindling?

(clears throat)

We're pretending
we're living in New York.

And I'm the world's
most glamorous model.

Um, is that the way
you're gonna do it?

Oh, she's walking on men.

Oh. (chuckles)

And, uh, who are you?

Oh, I'm the world's
greatest girl baseball player.

And this is my sister,
the world's greatest writer.

Please, I'm having
an inspiration.

Ah, well, looks like I
got into the wrong room.

I was looking for the world's
best towel putter-upper.

Would you girls
really like New York?

- New York!
- Like it?

- Oh, Mom, it's fabulous.
- Oh!

And Betty should know.

She spent almost a week there.

There is no question about it.

New York is the most
exciting city in the world.

What other exciting
cities have you seen?

Well, we...

we practically flew
right over Philadelphia.

(girls clamoring)

Have you made a
decision, Mrs. Bradley?

(chuckles) Well, one.

I was wrong about
Uncle Joe and the girls

not being happy
anyplace but here.

I'll give you $10,000
for the Shady Rest.

Ten thou...

My goodness, I knew
we had peace and quiet,

but I didn't think
we had that much.

Why, the Shady Rest isn't
worth anywhere near $10,000.

It is to me.

And think what that
money would do for the girls.

A new environment,
opportunities, college.

College.

I never thought I could
send them to college.

I knew you'd see the advantages.

Here's my check

for a thousand
dollars as a deposit.

I don't know. I-I-I-I
just don't know.

Mrs. Bradley, you're aware

of your financial
situation here.

You're aware of what
Uncle Joe and the girls want.

And you know you'll
never get a better offer.

I think you really do
know what you should do.

It's a deal, then.

And no backing out now.

No backing out.

You shouldn't have embarrassed
me in front of Mr. Deming.

I was just telling him
how healthful it is here.

Part of my sly selling tactics.

Uncle Joe, I've
sold the Shady Rest.

Sure you will, with
me working on Deming.

Sold it?

To Mr. Deming.

Didn't I tell you I'd do it?

My sly tactics worked out

even faster than I expected.

Now all me and
him's got to do is

sit down and work
out the financial details.

The hotel is sold.

A thousand dollars?

Haven't I told you to
leave business to me?

I could have got you $2,000.

That's just the deposit.

Mr. Deming paid
$10,000 for the hotel.

Huh?

$10,000.

Now, don't let on to the girls.

I want to tell them myself.

And after dinner'll
be a good time.

Do you go to Madison
Square Garden?

Have you ever been
to a fashion show?

Do you think I'm pretty enough
to be a New York model?

- Girls.
- I'll answer those questions later on.

Right now I've got
to get back to work.

That's right. Let Mr. Deming go.

- Good night, Mr. Deming.
- Good night.

- Good night.
- Night night.

Wait a minute, girls.

I have an announcement to make.

An announcement?

Mm-hmm.

We're all going to New York.

- Oh, really?
- What?

For how long?

Oh, not just for a visit.

We're gonna live there.

We're going to live
in New York City?

That's right.

But how?

How is because I pulled
a slick high financial deal

and sold the Shady Rest to
Mr. Deming without his knowing it.

- You sold...?
- You sold the Shady Rest?

We're not gonna
live here anymore?

And we're gonna
live in New York?

Isn't that wonderful?

What? It's a
joke, isn't it, Mom?

You wouldn't sell
the Shady Rest.

But you said how
wonderful New York was.

Well, it is, but we
didn't mean to live there.

But you said it would be
wonderful to live in New York.

Well, it would be if
you belonged there.

But we belong here.

We don't want to
live anyplace else.

- (girls sobbing)
- Now stop your crying.

In a couple of days,
you'll love New York.

You w-won't even miss
this old broken-down...

(choking up):
ramshackle, lonesome...

(sobbing)

Now, Uncle Joe, wait
a minute... (whining)

(all crying)

(whining)

Kate, I've been thinking.

We got to cancel out New York.

Uncle Joe, you might
as well accept the fact

that the hotel is sold.

But, Kate, if I leave,
what's going to happen

to the Hooterville
Fire Department Band?

What if there's a fire?

Who's going to
organize the Elks' picnic?

The music will be better,

the fires will be
put out sooner,

and the Elks'
picnic will be held

in a more suitable place
than Scully's Swamp.

- But the...
- It's no use.

I shook hands with Mr. Deming
and promised not to back out.

Kate...

I ain't talking about
you backing out.

I'm talking about
him backing out.

He's not gonna back out.

He's getting a lot of work done,

and he loves the peace and
quiet around here more than ever.

But, Kate, you... (dog barking)

What are you yapping
and wagging your tail about?

You ain't gonna like New York.

(barks)

Your rabbit-chasing
days are over.

You're going to find yourself
stuck in a city apartment

50 stories above the pavement.

(chuckles)

Gonna have to learn to
bury your bones in concrete.

(whimpers)

- Hey, Fred.
- Yes?

I want to talk to you.

Well, come on over here,
and we won't have to holler.

I can't. Your hogs are
clogging up my sinuses.

Well, then, get upwind from 'em.

(hogs grunting)

I want to make a
deal with you, Fred.

Do you?

How about renting me your hogs?

Renting?

Well, now, I never had
no experience renting hogs.

What do you want
to rent 'em for?

We got this writing
fella over at the hotel

we want to discourage.

We figure your hogs
in there going full blast...

Now, just a dad-blamed minute...

Oh, no offense, Fred.

Since this is a city feller,
we figured your hogs in there,

a-fragranting and
a-oinking around the hotel...

Well, now, in that case, I'd
have to charge you by the oink.

Nobody's going to have time
to stand around counting oinks.

Got to have some way to figure.

What difference
does it make, Fred?

Your hogs have got
to oink someplace,

whether they oink in
here or oink in there.

Well, what are you trying to
get rid of this writing fella for?

Ain't he paid his bill?

Oh, he wrangled Kate
into a deal to sell the hotel.

If we don't discourage him,

Kate and the girls are
going to have to move away.

Oh, well, now, in that case,

my hogs would be glad
to oblige at no charge.

We'll send this fella
back where he come from.

Hey-oh!

- Sooey, sooey, sooey!
- (hogs squealing)

A-oo-ah! A-oo-ah!

Come on, boys,
hurry it up, hurry it up.

Let's go.

Okay, Floyd, open
that door real wide

and release that hog aroma.

They're gone.

Gosh, Fred'll kill us.

- (squealing)
- Uh-oh.

You ain't paying passengers.

What are you doing in the coach?

Floyd, we told you to
fasten that coach door tight!

Hey, lucky for us,

the wind's blowing
straight towards the hotel.

I'll bet Deming's getting a
whiff of them hogs right now.

Get them oinks to going.

(knock at door)

Sorry to bother you, Mr. Deming,

but I thought I'd better
close this window.

Window?

What for?

On account of the aroma

that comes in regular
this time every day.

I don't notice anything.

Then you ain't breathing.

Here, take a deep one.

(hogs grunting, squealing)

(sniffs)

I got to be honest with you.

The way the
Cannonball's scheduled,

they're going to have to park

a carload of them
hogs here every day.

Ah, the smell of the country.

What a wonderful relief

after breathing in those
exhaust fumes in New York.

Okay, boys, he's
up there working.

Let's start destroying
the peace and the quiet.

All right, which one
should we destroy first?

- We don't destroy the Cannonball.
- Don't be selfish.

You don't want
Kate and the girls

to go away to New York, do you?

No.

Well, then stop yapping
and start whacking.

(clanging)

(clanging continues)

(clears throat)

Just come in to tell you
I'm sorry about the noise

Floyd and Charley
are making out there.

Hmm?

I say, I'm sorry about the noise

Charley and Floyd
are making out there.

Oh.

Oh, that's all right.

You know how it is with an old
locomotive like the Cannonball.

It's got to be worked
on all the time.

Mm-hmm.

Guess so.

- Hey, look.
- There's Joe's signal.

- He wants more noise.
- Yeah.

You keep on with the hammer,
and I'll add some extras.

(train whistle blowing)

(clanging and
whistling continue)

Floyd and Charley will
probably be at it all night.

Mm-hmm, guess so.

Girls, you're not
eating breakfast.

We're kind of tired.

We didn't get any
sleep last night.

Who did?

Boy, what a racket.

You'd think Charley and Floyd
would have picked a better time

to fix the Cannonball.

That's no way to talk.

The boys worked all night

so you and the other kids
could get to school on time.

Good morning, everybody.

- Good morning. -Good morning.
- Good morning, Mr. Deming.

Ah, smells good.

And looks good.

- Morning, Uncle Joe.
- Morning.

Morning.

You look pretty
good, considering.

Considering what, Mr. Carson?

Considering the
sleep you didn't get

on account of the boys
working on the locomotive.

Didn't bother me a bit.

Slept like a baby.

After living in a noisy
place like New York,

nothing keeps me awake.

KATE: Uncle Joe!

I just had an interesting
talk with Floyd and Charley,

and what have you
got behind your back?

What back?

The back you're using to
hide something from me.

Uncle Joe...

What's in there?

They ain't nothing, Kate.

Just a few friendly mosquitoes.

Oh.

Friendly enough
to bite Mr. Deming

so he'll think this is an
unhealthy place to live

and back out of
buying the hotel?

Now, Kate, you're
jumping to conclusions.

I was just getting
together an act.

Oh, it'll never top the act
you've been doing so far.

Floyd and Charley told me
about the phony breakdown

of the Cannonball and the hogs.

Oh, they did, did they?

Yes, and let's get
one thing straight.

The hotel is sold,

and we're sticking to the deal.

- (whistling)
- But, Kate...

Oh, Mr. Deming.

Did you enjoy your walk?

Mrs. Bradley, I enjoy
everything about this place.

The walks, the food, the...

How do you like the mosquitoes?

What mosquitoes?

The ones that always show
up here around this time of year.

Uncle Joe... They come back here

like the swallows come
back to Capistrano.

Only our mosquitoes is bigger.

Uncle Joe's
making a little joke.

Very little.

You're quite a card, Mr. Carson.

I'm going to miss you.

And soon.

He's going into town to
pick up the deed to the hotel.

Which reminds me... Um... girls.

Girls.

Yes, Mom?

Uh, you'd better go
along with Uncle Joe

and keep an eye on him.

I'd better go along,
keep an eye on you.

And you'd better come
along and keep an eye on me.

Oh, and Mr. Deming,
you'd better...

No, thanks.

All I want to do is get at
the next chapter of my novel.

Well, that's that.

Uh-oh.

Just forgot something.

Kate, I'll meet you and
the girls on the train.

Well, hurry it up.

Supper's late already.

Hey, Sam...

Now, Sam, I don't want you
to take this the wrong way,

but there could be a few
loopholes in this deed.

Oh, not a chance.

I drew that up myself.

Well, that's just the point.

As our attorney, you
might sneak in a few.

Yeah, I guess I could do that.

Uh, but as county clerk,
I'd be bound to catch 'em.

Well, you might not notice 'em.

Bound to.

And as sheriff, I'd
have to arrest myself.

Oh, but as county judge,

you could give yourself
a real light sentence.

You know what
you just tried to do?

You've just attempted to
bribe four county officials

to do something illegal.

All right.

I'm a reasonable man.

We'll do it legal, then.

Look it up in the book.

All right, I'll get my
do-it-yourself Blackstone.

It'd be under "S"
for "shenanigans."

Aha.

Yeah.

(murmurs)

That's what I thought.

The legal situation
regarding Kate

and the sale of the Shady Rest

is a simple matter of
an ex post facto case

of a conveyance
contractor covenant

without recourse to escrow
by the vendor or the grantee.

Yeah?

Well, what does that mean in
plain, simple, everyday English?

In plain, simple,
everyday English...

I'm sure gonna miss you folks.

(sighs)

I thought you'd never get back.

Well, it took us a little
longer than we figured.

You must be starved.

I'll start supper right away.

That can wait.

Oh.

Well... here's your deed.

Mrs. Bradley, I'm
going to be very direct.

I'd like to back
out of our deal.

You mean you don't want
to buy the Shady Rest?

I'm sorry, I really wanted to.

But I haven't written a
dozen words since you left.

I couldn't.

The place has been
like a big, empty barn.

I realized that what
made me happy here

wasn't the hotel or
the peace and quiet.

It was the spirit
of the place...

The nice, warm feeling that you

and the girls and
Uncle Joe give it.

Without you all here,
I wouldn't stay a week.

I... I hope you're
not disappointed.

Disappointed?

Mr. Deming, I didn't think
I would ever say this again

for the rest of my life.

What?

You have just made
me the happiest woman

in the whole wide world.

Well, that's wonderful.

(laughter)

Bless your heart.

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

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