Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 3, Episode 16 - Better Never Than Late - full transcript

(train whistle blows)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪



(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows)

- Mom?
- Yes, dear?

Mom, I'm quitting
secretarial school right now.

- That's nice.
- Right now.

Fine. But you'd better hurry
up and have your breakfast,

or you're gonna be late
for secretarial school.



But, Mom, didn't
you hear what I said?

Well, of course I
heard what you said.

You said...

What do you mean you're
quitting secretarial school?

Well, now that I've completed
the beginner's course,

there's no point in continuing.

Well, the way I see it,
there's no point in quitting.

You're doing very well.

Why, you've got the best
grades in typing, shorthand,

filing... erasing.

You're gonna get that diploma.

But, Mom...

I don't feel right not
helping you with the hotel.

You can help me by
becoming an efficient secretary

who can take 120 words a minute.

Mom, I can do 60 now,
and nobody in Hooterville

can dictate more than ten.

Billie Jo, I want
you to be prepared.

Now, you never know,
someday a businessman

with a very fast jaw
might move to town.

♪♪

Hi, Billie Jo.

What's bothering her?

Oh, she has some crazy
idea of quitting school

so she can help with
the work around here.

Oh, I can understand that.

You can? Did you ever
have a crazy idea like that?

I know what's bothering her.

She wants to earn some
money, and she can't do that

- while she's going to school.
- Why not?

- Well, how can she?
- It's easy.

Nothing like relaxing
with a good magazine

once you got your
business letters dictated.

I beg your pardon?

Don't tell me you got more
business letters to dictate.

Business letters?

That's funny you
should mention that.

I see the hotel's got
a public stenographer.

- I didn't know that.
- Yeah, I'll get her for you.

Well, thank you...
Hey, w-wait a minute.

Oh, you don't need to worry.
Her prices are reasonable.

I don't care anything
about her prices.

I knew you were a spender
the minute I laid eyes on you.

I'm not looking for a
public stenographer.

You don't have to look for
her. She's right here in the hotel.

I've got nothing to dictate.

If you set your mind to it,

I'm sure you'd
think up something.

They say she makes these
carbon papers real good.

That way you got yourself a copy

in case somebody
called you a liar.

Why should anybody
call me a liar?

Well, they ain't about to once
you show 'em the carbon copy.

That's real smart
thinking, friend.

I do not want a
public stenographer.

Want to put that in writing?

Dang, I wish that
public stenographer

wasn't as good as she is.

Hmm?

Oh, I didn't see you
sitting there, Mr. Billings.

Now, that's just the trouble.

She advertises too much.

Who does?

That great little stenographer

that types real good
and don't charge much.

That's why people are
always dictating letters to her.

- I guess you're ahead of me, too.
- No, no, I...

Oh, that's all
right, Mr. Billings.

You can take my
turn. I'll go tell her.

Please don't bother.

Uh, can you tell
me where I can find

the public stenographer who...?

Just a minute, Mr. Norton.

How long will you
be needing her?

But I don't need her.

I have to dictate a letter.

It's very impolite to interrupt

when Mr. Billings
is talking business.

- Now, look, I...
- Don't thank me.

I know you got a lot
of real important letters

to get going on.

Will 1:00 be all right, or will
you be wanting her sooner?

Oh.

Oh, hey, Mr. Norton, you
can have Mr. Billings' turn.

Where did that come from?

JOE: Oh, Kate, that
table's been here for years.

I was talking about the sign.

Sign?

Oh, oh.

Well, you see, there
was such a big demand

for a public stenographer... the
guests were just hounding me...

That I, I just up and
made that for Billie Jo.

I told you I wanted her
to finish secretarial school.

Well, with all the paid practice
she's getting around here,

it wouldn't surprise me none if
she finished head of her class.

Paid practice?

Yeah, she's taking dictation
from one of the guests

up in his room right now.

Oh, she must be so
proud to... His room?

That nice old Mr. Billings?

Middle-aged Mr. Grant?

What difference does it
make how old they are,

as long as they can dictate?

Uh, Miss Bradley, I
think I should warn you

that this letter is
going to contain

some very strong language.

That's all right, Mr. Norton.

I've got a very strong pencil.

All right, let's get on with it.

Uh, "Dear Mr. Mortimer."

Uh... no.

"Dear Rat."

No, wait, uh... "You
rat, how dare you?"

Would you believe
it, Miss Bradley?

This-this fink led
me on to believe

that his company was
about to give me a big order

and-and then he cancels out.

Oh, that's a shame.

But you'll get more orders.

Well, that's not the point.

This-this Mortimer's got me
in a jam with my own outfit.

Why, on my say-so,

the head office has
turned down other orders

just to give
Mortimer a priority.

Oh, well, let's-let's
get on with the letter.

Uh, read back
what we have so far.

BILLIE JO: "You
rat, how dare you?"

So, you think you...?

Need more towels?

You're right, Mr. Norton,
and here they are.

Hi.

(clears throat)

Where were we?

"You rat, how dare..."

No, scratch that.

That's too nice for him.

"Dear Lowest of the Low.

We had a firm deal
and you canceled."

Uh, "The next time I see you,

you'd better be ready, because
you'll never know what hit you."

Nobody's going
to... uh... (laughs)

say our guests
need clean towels.

"You'll never
know what hit you."

No, no, no, that-that's
not nasty enough for him.

"Dear Snake.

"You are so slimy
that you could crawl

under another snake and..."

Mr. Norton, I know it's
none of my business.

But this letter
starts off so angry,

Mr. Mortimer might
tear it up before he gets

to the real good part.

You're right, you're right.

I-I'll start off
nice and friendly

and-and save the
clincher for the last

where I compare him to a skunk.

- Oh, that sounds wonderful.
- Yeah.

Uh, "Dear Pal, even
though you," uh,

"canceled that big
order, I understand."

Uh... (smacks lips)

"When I get back to town,

I'd like you to drop
by my apartment."

Just put the towels on
the dresser, Bobbie Jo.

I'm checking out this afternoon.

Why am I getting
all these towels?

Because we run
a first-class hotel,

that's why.

You know, I think
that's a great idea,

where you skunk him at the end.

(sighs)

Welcome home.

How was the trip?

Please, Gloria, I just ate.

Mr. Mortimer just...

Don't mention his name.

He canceled the order.

But he just phoned.

He talked his boss
into changing his mind.

There'll be a check in the
mail for $15,000 in a few days.

He did?

Well, good old Frank.

Boy, am I lucky.

I-I wrote him a letter
that would have...

(laughs) Well, frankly, I didn't
mail it because I was trying

to think of something stronger
than a two-faced skunk.

I'm certainly
glad that I... I...

It's gone.

I've lost it.

Well, where did you see it last?

Is this a private treasure
hunt or can anybody play?

Did you know that Mr. Norton
came all the way back here

to find a letter that he lost?

The one that Billie
Jo wrote so good?

That's the one.

The one to the fella that
stabbed you in the back

with the canceled order?

Exactly.

Yeah, well, you can
stop your hunting.

I just found it a little while
ago down by the station.

How can I ever thank you?

No thanks called for.

Mailing lost letters for
guests is a service of the hotel.

If Uncle Joe said that he mailed

that letter, then
you can... Uncle Joe!

You mailed that letter?

That's what I've been t...

Well, uh, I didn't
actually mail it.

You didn't?

Well, I found it and
I gave it to the dog,

and he run it down
to Floyd at the station.

(barks)

No need denying it.

When Mortimer gets my letter,

he'll put a stop
payment on that check.

You should have thought
of that before you mailed it.

I didn't mail it; it
dropped out of my...

Mrs. Bradley, if I don't
get that letter back,

I'll be ruined.

Well, that shouldn't be hard.

Sam, I want you to
help me get a letter back.

- Kate, I was here first.
- Hello, Lena.

Yeah, I know, honey. Sam...

I'm planning on
making a fruitcake.

Now, I'll need some cherries

and some, uh, figs.

No, no, my youngest
breaks out from figs.

Try some dates, Lena.

- Sam...
- Good idea, Kate.

Dates, Sam.

And five pounds of walnut.

And I think I'm out of nutmeg.

- Or is it cinnamon?
- It's nutmeg.

You borrowed some
from me last week.

- Sam...
- Cinnamon.

- Nutmeg. Sam... Nutmeg.
- Cinnamon.

- Sam...
- A large can of nutmeg.

And then a couple of
pounds of, uh, let me see.

Lena, this is an emergency.

- Would you just let me talk to Sam?
- Well, really, I...

Please?

Well, I guess I can
come back later.

Thank you.

What is it, Kate?

Well, Sam, it's
about this letter.

- And it was...
- (phone rings)

Uh, excuse me.

Sam Drucker's General Store.

Hello, Newt.

Pinochle tonight?

Well, I-I don't...

Tonight'll be fine. Bye, Newt.

Kate!

Sam, I've got to
get this letter back

that was mailed by mistake.

So would you go
through your mail for me?

Hold it, Kate.

You just don't
get a letter back.

There's a certain procedure

that has to be followed.

First you've got to
fill out Form 1509.

Oh, well, give me the form.

Sure, I've got one right here.

I pride myself on
keeping a tidy drawer.

I'll sign!

Uh, Kate, when you
finish filling that out,

I'll send it to Washington, and
they'll mail you one of these.

NRA?

Yeah, I've saved some
of these applications

in case NRA ever comes back.

I'll be ready for 'em.

Now, I know the right form is

in here somewhere.

You don't happen to need
a gasoline ration book?

Sam, the form.

Mr. Norton stands to
lose a lot of money...

Now, don't worry.

Norton?

Fella that wrote the letter.

Well, have you got his
permission to get it back?

Well, of course.

In writing?

In yelling.

Oh, well, seeing as how this
Mr. Norton wants it back so bad,

if you'll just put down the
facts on this piece of paper

and then sign it.

Oh, all right.

And then when you're finished,

I'll notarize it.

If I can find my seal.

Where did I put that seal?

I hope it isn't in that drawer.

Oh, I wouldn't put it in there.

Liable to clutter things up.

Uh, when did you
use the seal last, Sam?

Well, let's see.

Fred Ziffel was in to...

No, he didn't want
anything notarized.

He was... (laughs)

Oh, that Fred Ziffel.

You know what he wanted?

Sam, never mind Fred Ziffel.

The seal?

Oh, yeah, well,
uh, let me think.

Whenever I lose something,

I look for it in the least
likely place it's liable to be.

Well, that'd be
pretty silly, Kate.

The least likely place would
be right here in this coffee bin.

Now, if you can tell me how a
notary seal could wind up in...

Now, all we have to
do is find Form 1509.

Oh, Sam, would you
let me look? I feel lucky.

You know, mothers
are awfully good

at finding misplaced articles.

Oh, well, I'll be danged!

I did it?

Yeah, you found the pink
slip for my old Stutz Bearcat.

I haven't seen
that thing in years.

Do you remember that
old Bearcat of mine that...

Well, of course, I
put 'em right here

so I'd be sure to find 'em.

1509.

Oh, Sam, I'm awful sorry
to put you to all this trouble.

Oh, it's no trouble
at all for a man

who keeps his inventory
right at his fingertips.

Um, okay.

Where's the letter?

Let... oh, oh, that'd be
over at Pixley Post Office.

What's it doing over there?

It left here about an hour ago,
the way the mail usually does.

Well, why did you have
me fill out these forms?

You'd have to fill it out
anyway when you got to Pixley.

Did you ever see that
drawer over at Pixley?

(chugging)

Relax, Kate.

We'll be there
in plenty of time.

Well, why are we going so slow?

We're on the downgrade
side of Bleeker's Hill.

What are you going
so slow for, Charley?

Kate's got to get to Pixley.

I got it on full throttle now.

Look at your pressure gauge.

We stopped.

I wonder what's wrong.

Oh, the train's probably
stopped for Mort Finney's Holstein.

Why would they
stop to pick up a cow?

Kate, the cow ain't
getting on the train.

The way Charley and
Floyd run the Cannonball,

the cow probably got
on the track for safety.

Oh, for heaven's sake...

Boys, we've got
to get to Pixley.

Yeah, get that
cow off the track.

There ain't no cow on the track.

Floyd forgot to load the
tender and we're out of wood.

How could you be
so absent-minded?

Let's not blame Floyd.

Let's just figure out
a way to get to Pixley.

Yeah, Kate's right.

It's a time for
doing, not gabbing.

Here. Don't sprain your back.

It isn't Charley's fault
we've got to get to Pixley.

That's right.

The one that started all
this should do the work.

I appreciate the chance to
make up for forgetting the wood.

Well, we'll all help you, Floyd.

Oh, don't need no help.

I can throw this ax handle
into the firebox all by myself.

(clamoring)

KATE: What's that?

Oh, no!

All the wood in the
world ain't no good

unless you got some
tinder to get her going.

(dog barking)

Show-off.

Oh... there's nobody there.

And it's dark.

And the door's locked.

Anyone get the feeling
this place is closed?

Mom, you know
Mr. Foley, the postmaster.

Maybe you can get
him to open up for us.

Well, it ain't gonna be easy.

Foley's a stickler
for the rules.

Don't worry, I'll unstick him.

But, Mr. Foley, I signed
Form 1509 at Sam Drucker's.

Oh.

Oh, that's for
getting a letter back.

That don't say nothing
about opening up

the United States of America
Post Office after closing hours.

But this is an emergency.

If I don't get that letter back,

Mr. Norton will lose
all kinds of mo...

Oh, well, let's see
what the rule book says.

Let's see here...
Glasses, glasses...

Oh, here, use mine.

Oh.

Thank you.

Uh-huh. Rules and Regulations.

There we are.

Uh... emergency.

Uh, page, uh, 298,
uh-huh, page 298...

Page 298... emergencies.
"See footnote B."

Footnote B... "See
page 302, footnote D."

(laughs)

"Posting Notice.

"Arrangements should be made

"for a bulletin board
in a convenient place

in the post office lobby
for posting notices."

By golly, I ought to
get me a bulletin board

down to my office.

That'd be very nice, Mr. Foley,

but that's not what
I'm interested in.

But you should be!

The United States
Post Office is p...

No, no, sorry.

Uh, let's see, uh...

"Footnote D... Special
circumstances."

Why doesn't the
rule book tell you

to turn to the right
page in the first place?

It can't.

Why not?

It's a rule.

"Any person eligible for
other federal employment

may be appointed
postmaster subject to..."

You're reading footnote
D and you want footnote C.

Oh... oh. (chuckles)

Yes, yes, yes, here we are.

Uh... "Window service
may be extended

"whenever it is
specifically determined

to be in accordance with
the need of the community."

(laughs)

Uh, sorry, Kate.

"Sorry, Kate"?

You live in Hooterville.

That ain't our community.

Mr. Foley, if I don't
get that letter back,

Mr. Norton is going
to sue me for $15,000.

Fifteen th...

I see.

Goodness sakes...

Ha! Ah, here we are.

"Special Rules
Involving Problems,"

uh, "without Footnotes.

"The post office can be opened
under certain circumstances

at the discretion
of the postmaster."

Rule 324.5. (chuckles)

Well, I guess that
does it, let's go.

Oh, Mr. Foley, you're
probably the nicest man that I...

Well, let's... let's
not waste time. I...

Uh-oh.

What's the matter?

Haven't got my key.

Y-You don't happen to
have a coffee bin, do you?

Hmm?

Well, that's where Sam
Drucker found his seal.

Oh! Hold it... I
know where it is.

- Where?
- It's in the post office.

How are we going to get in?

Just like I always
do... call the locksmith.

Oh, hi. Hi.

Uh, get me Tad Fiskee, please.

Oh. Oh, thank you.

(chuckles)

Well?

Well, he's over at
the movie house.

Short bald fellow with glasses.

You find him, and I'll
meet you at the post office.

He's a short fellow
with bald glasses.

Well, what your mother means...

He was a bald fellow
with short glasses.

That's what I said.

- Come on.
- We know.

But I ain't seen
all the picture.

Well, they all end the same way.

The good-looking fella
stops the one-eared man

from blowing up the universe.

Oh, heck, I know that.

But what about
all them pretty gals

running around with
them little bathing suits?

Do they get blowed up?

Oh, no, the hero
drives off with them.

Only the girls in the regular
bathing suits get killed.

Now, Mr. Fiskee,
you stay right here

while I round up the
rest of my family, huh?

But I tell you, I'm
not Tad Fiskee.

I know you want to see
the rest of the picture,

Mr. Fiskee, but this
is an emergency.

He's Tad Fiskee.

Evening, Mr. Fiskee.

How's the missus?

There, you see?

Lying gets people no place.

He just wants to see
the rest of the picture.

I'm not Tad Fiskee.

But, Mom, I want to
see how the picture ends.

It'll say "The End."

Now, where's Mr. Fiskee?

He was here just a minute ago.

I told him I'm not Tad Fiskee.

Well, the next time
you come to a show,

don't be short and
bald-headed and wear glasses.

Well, come on,
let's go find him,

and this time don't
let him get away.

But it ain't right to leave

just when the one-eared
man is sawing the hero in half.

That's not the real hero.

- That's his double.
- Uh-huh.

Doesn't matter if he gets it.

Please stay right here
while I get the others.

Yeah... Evening, Mr. Fiskee.

I knew you were Mr. Fiskee.

Now, you girls stay right here
while I find Uncle Joe and...

That isn't Mr. Fiskee.

Sorry.

(grunts)

No, no! No, no, don't touch me!

Please don't touch me.

Now, listen, you girls
don't move from this...

But, Mom...

You can see it when
it comes on television.

Gee, I wonder if the heroine

has found out that the bad
guy put dynamite in the toaster.

It wouldn't hurt if
one of us peeked.

I'll peek. Now you
two stay right here.

Oh, no.

She's not gonna... Oh, no!

Come on, Mr. Fiskee,
it's no use fighting.

We got to get down
to the post office.

You ain't Fiskee.

You figured that out all
by yourself, Uncle Joe?

Now where are the girls?

I told 'em to wait right here.

You go that way.

Whoa, was that ever exciting!

Wow. Mom almost caught us.

Ooh...

Tried to outfox me by
taking off his glasses.

Uncle Joe, that's not the man.

(sobbing): Now
do you believe me?

Look, mister, you may be
able to fool these youngsters,

but don't go thinking you
got a boob on your hands.

I've read enough of
these detective books.

I know.

- He's Fiskee.
- He's Fiskee.

Let's take 'em
both just to be sure.

Got it open, Mom.

It's addressed to
Mr. Frank Mortimer,

125 Dale Street,
Chicago, Illinois.

Aha, there it is.

Oh! The letter!

No, my key.

Uh, are you sure it wasn't
going to Indianapolis?

Chicago.

New Jersey?

Chicago.

We've got a pile of mail there

for Indianapolis and New Jersey,

but all the Chicago mail left
here just before we closed.

Great.

I'm sorry, Mr. Norton,
but we tried.

Thanks, I-I know you did.

$15,000 down the drain.

You want to write
another letter,

like a resignation or anything,

Billie Jo would be
glad to do it for nothing.

Mr. Mortimer probably
would have given me

a lot more big
orders in the future.

Hi, everybody.

KATE: Hi, Floyd.

I'm sorry about
the letter, Kate.

All those commissions.

That post office sure
is hard to get along with.

Well, they're just
doing their job,

trying to deliver
the letters we mail.

Well, they wouldn't
deliver this one.

I wanted to do you a favor,

so I wrote "special
delivery" on it and mailed it,

but I forgot to put a
special delivery stamp on it,

so they sent it back.

Oh, well, that's
all right, Floyd.

Oh, don't you worry, Kate.

I'll buy two special delivery
stamps and put them on it,

and it'll be delivered
twice as fast.

(laughing): You do that.

You see, Mr. Norton?

Other people have
problems with...

What special delivery letter?

Floyd! Floyd!

You want a special
delivery stamp,

Kate's got one in the drawer.

Oh, thanks, I... (laughing)

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

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