Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 2, Episode 13 - Smoke-Eaters - full transcript

The only problem
with putting together

a volunteer fire department band

is getting a fire
department to start with.

Among our featured
volunteers is Parley Baer

who made literally hundreds
of radio and TV appearances,

including a recurring role

as Ozzie and Harriet's
neighbor, Darby,

and later as Doc Appleby
on The Dukes of Hazzard.

He also provided the
voice of Ernie Keebler

in the long-running animated
Keebler cookie commercials,

and he played Chester on
the radio version of Gunsmoke.



But right now let's see if
we can get this band together

in "Smoke Eaters."

(train whistle blows)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

(snare drum plays train rhythm)



♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows)

(playing slowly and off-tune)

Grandpa Miller.

Grandpa Miller!

Eh? Now.

Yes, I know how.

(crashing loudly)

Ben, why did you
have to bring him along?

I can't leave him home.

He plays the phonograph
so loud, my chickens panic

and nearly kill themselves
flying against the coop.

All right.

Let's take it from
the top again.

One and two and...
(clears throat) Joe...

your beat's too slow.

It ought to go...
(humming at fast tempo)

(crashing loudly)

(yelping)

Sam, I'm the leader.

I'll set the beat.

How come you're the leader?

Because I'm the chief.

Well, why should you be chief?

Because I'm wearing
the white helmet.

It was red.

You just painted it white.

Listen, do you want to rehearse,

or do you want
to discuss politics?

All right, now, let's
take it from the top.

One and two and...
(playing at slow tempo)

(cymbals crashing loudly)

(music continues)

(crashing loudly)

(music continues)

KATE: But Mr. McDonald,

you're paid up until morning.

Mr. McDonald!

Hold it.

Hold it! (music stops)

The musical
term is, "take five."

Do you realize that since
you started rehearsing,

we've lost two paying guests?

Mr. Wilson's still here.

Yes, and I'd like
him to stay here.

So, why don't you
rehearse on the train...

while it's moving.

And that way, you'll
spread the punishment

between Pixley and Hooterville.

We can't run the train
while we're rehearsing.

Floyd's using part of
the air brake on his tuba.

Yeah.

(high-pitched whistling)

(whistling gradually
lowers in pitch)

Don't that sound
like the Cannonball

slowing down for
Dead Man's Curve?

Eh?

Dead Man's Curve!

I'll say he's got a nerve.

Who made him leader?

Grandpappy!

(crashing loudly)

KATE: Mr. Wilson!

Mr. Wilson!

That did it.

Kate, you got to
make some sacrifices.

Don't you want us to have
a fire department band?

I think it'd be a smarter idea

to have a fire department first.

That's what I've been
saying right along.

Well, how are you gonna equip

a fire department
without any money?

That's the idea of the band.

Give a concert, sell tickets.

You don't think that anybody
in their right minds'd pay money

to listen to what I've been
suffering through tonight,

including the loss
of paying guests!

That's what I've been
saying right along.

I thought you'd
been saying we need

the fire department
before we need the band.

And I still say it,
and Kate's right.

We won't make a
nickel with this outfit.

If people want to
listen to noisy plumbing,

they'd be better
off staying home.

Trouble with you is, Sam,

you ain't got no ear for music.

Trouble is I have.

Fellas, fellas, all
I'm trying to say

is there's got to be a
better way to raise money.

Then, let's see
you come up with it.

I'm resigning my
fund-raising genius

and turning the
leading stick over to you.

Well, I guess he laid
that right in my lap.

(snoring)

Yeah, I guess
Ben is taking a nap.

(crashing loudly)

You know something else?

We're going to need
a mess of little cards

to tack on the donation cans.

The girls finish
painting the cans yet?

Just about, just about.

And then, we're gonna
put them in every store

in town... the barber
shop, the school.

Kate, I'm sure glad you
took over this fund-raising.

One thing the valley
needs is a fire department.

Well, so far, we've
been pretty lucky.

I suppose Joe's
nose is still out of joint.

(chuckling)

Way over to there.

All he does is sit around
mumbling and grumbling.

They don't want me to
handle this, I won't handle it.

I ain't one to grumble.

They'll come a-crying to me

on their hands and knees

when this thing fizzles out.

Can't we paint these cans

some other color besides red?

It's supposed to represent
the color of a fire engine.

It's, uh, psychological.

Excuse me.

Psychological?

In my day, young ladies
didn't use that kind of language.

What did you say, Uncle Joe?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

Would you like to help us paint?

No, thanks!

I ain't getting mixed up in any
penny-ante fund-raising scheme.

If this had been left
to me, in no time at all,

we'd have been whizzing
along on the hook and ladder

with the siren wide open.

Well, when the cans
are all nice and dry,

do you want to help
us distribute them?

I'm sorry, girls.

I'm washing my hands
of the whole thing.

90, a dollar, $1.10, 40, 45, 50,

55, 60, 70, 80, $1.20,

92, $1.30, 40, Two dollars.

94.50.

(growling)

Hey, what's the matter with him?

He's guarding the collection.

Don't you know an honest face

when you see one, stupid?

(growling)

Hey, I know how you can make

a couple of quick bucks.

Raffle him off as a dust mop.

(growling)

Uncle Joe, quit picking on...

Oh, now you made me lose count.

Oh, Mom, do I have
to start all over again?

Well... Mom, we've already

counted them
three different times.

How much did it come to?

Um... $62.48, $62.21, $62.36.

Why don't we just
say $62.40 even?

$62?

That won't even
buy a year's supply

of pinochle decks
for the volunteers.

When you need professional help,

I'll be around.

Professional help.

That's just what we could use.

Gee, back so soon? Uh-huh.

Sam agreed about
getting professional help,

and he gave me the
name and address

of a company who makes
firefighting equipment.

So, could I borrow some
of your good writing paper?

Well, if you're
gonna write to them,

why don't you dictate
the letter to me?

I could use the
practice in shorthand.

Yeah, but I never
dictated a letter.

Well, it's easy.

All you do is you
say what you'd write.

Oh.

Well-well, why
don't I write it first,

and then say it?

That'd be silly.

Just dictate what
you were gonna write.

Well, I was gonna write first

the man's name and address.

"Mr. Henry Phillips,

Trojan Fire Equipment Company."

Mm-hmm. Okay, go ahead, Mom.

You got that all written?

Sure, this is shorthand.

Um... "Dear Mr. Phillips..."

Okay.

Well, now, you couldn't
have written that.

Sure... "Dear Mr. Phillips..."

That's what I said.

Uh... "You don't know me,

"but I live in Hooterville,

"a very nice little
town in every respect,

"except we don't
have a fire department.

"Sam Drucker told me you folks

"helped the fellas over
at Squaw Creek set up

"their fire department.

We can use all the help you
gave them and then some."

Kate Bradley, where's
your civic pride?

Writing to an outsider for help.

Uncle Joe, we need help.

Maybe you do, but I don't.

I've been watching you

knock your head
against the stone wall.

I think it's about time

I stepped back into the picture.

Uncle Joe... Pride
goeth before the fall,

and I am here to pick you up.

With that stale band concert?

What would you say if I told you

I could get a fully
equipped fire department

for that measly
$62 you collected?

I'd say you'd been nipping
at my cooking sherry.

Now, if you... Go ahead, Kate.

Make us the laughing
stock of the whole state.

What's that outfit gonna
think when they learn

you've only got $62 to
spend on the whole shebang?

How come you say you

can get the equipment
and they can't?

Because I am a fire chief.

I'm entitled to the
professional discount,

and I'm not out to gouge a
profit out of us like they are.

Mom, I'm sure this
Mr. Phillips would be glad

to help out, but with
only $62, I mean...

Uncle Joe... Thanks, Kate.

It takes a big person to
admit she was plumb wrong.

I just don't understand how
Kate could have let you do this.

'Cause I told her
I could get all our

fire department equipment
within the budget.

Equipment?

This is junk.

(chuckles)

It's no wonder I am chief.

You fellas don't
know the first thing

about firefighting equipment.

Just needs a
little rehabilitating.

Will you just help me

inventory and mark
down the prices I paid?

Now, here's one
safety jumping net.

That's Pat Cooper's tarpaulin

he uses to keep
his woodpile dry.

How much did you
give for that, Joe?

I dickered him down to $3.85.

Three dollars and...

He should have thrown
in a cord of wood for that.

Here's one official
firefighting searchlight,

which I purchased from
Lem Hoskins for 55 cents.

It will cost close to
a dollar to get a bulb

and batteries and
a new glass for that.

It's still a bargain.

You show me where
you can get an official

firefighting searchlight
for that kind of money.

How much did you pay for this?

$2.95, and I bought this hose...

Who gypped you out at $2.95?

Please, Sam.

I bought this hose from...

"One brand-new ax, Joe Carson."

All it needs is a
handle to make it new.

Put one in, will you, Sam?

Well, who's going to pay for it?

You. Me?

This is a volunteer
fire department.

You're volunteering.

This ladder don't look

too bad if you don't pick it up.

All it needs is a little glue.

How much you
give me for this, Joe?

You get that out of the
baggage compartment?

Yeah.

(chuckling)

Hey! Watch it.

It ain't loaded.

Well, get it loaded
and put it back.

What would we do if there
was a fire on the train?

Call the volunteer
fire department.

And the total cost spent

for the firefighting
equipment was $36,

including a brand-new
ax I threw in.

That's unbelievable.

Oh, don't say that
until you see it.

And you still got $26 left.

No, no, we spent that
for the, uh, fire alarms.

Well, what kind of fire alarms

could you get for $26?

You'll see when they get here.

Mom!

Mom!

Mom!

Mom? What's the matter?

Uncle Joe is...
Well, he's got...

Oh, Mom, you
just won't believe it.

You better come down
and see for yourself.

Oh, no.

I told you you
wouldn't believe it.

Sst.

Uncle Joe.

Hi, Kate.

That about all, Floyd?

Yeah. What are these?

"Sky rockets,

"Roman candles"
and "aerial bombs."

$26 worth.

Joe bought them from the
Elks Fourth of July picnic

that got rained out.

What for?

They're fire alarms.

We give a sky rocket to
each farmer in the valley.

In case of a fire, he
sends up the rocket,

the volunteers see it
and come a-running.

Is that what you...?

Oh-ho, I should've known better.

Kate, the trouble with
you is, you don't think big.

I am thinking big.

In fact, what I am
thinking is so big,

I could go to the
electric chair for it.

Floyd, tell Charley to
lay off oiling the engine,

come and help us get this
fireworks up to the hotel.

Hold it.

You're not keeping
this up at the hotel.

As a matter of fact, I'm
not sure I'm keeping you!

Come on, Betty Jo.

What we gonna do with it?

Let's leave it in the
Hooterville Station temporary.

Women... they
just ain't practical.

Billie Jo!

Have you still got
those hen scratchings

of that letter I
dictated to Mr. Phillips?

Yes, ma'am. Well, would
you please type them up

and mail them to
him, special delivery.

Yes, ma'am.

Excuse me, young lady.

Can you tell me how to
get to the Shady Rest Hotel?

Are you Mr. Phillips? Yes.

I'm Betty Jo Bradley. Oh.

Mom got your letter and
sent me to bring you out.

Oh, you have a car?

Sure, right around
the corner. Good.

Volunteers, I'm about
to sound the alarm!

Get ready to wake up!

(clanging)

What's going on?

Hey, I got two left ones!

That's mine!

This ain't mine.

That's mine.

Hold it. Hold it.

By the time you get booted up,

the whole town could burn down.

Wouldn't it be easier if
we slept in our boots?

You want to do this
professional or amateur?

I don't want to do it at all.

I want to get back to my store.

Why don't we get one
of them brass poles

the firemen slide down?

Where are you going
to get a brass pole?

Well, there's one up in
Pixley in the speakeasy

they closed up
during Prohibition.

I don't know whether
it's any good or not.

It's lying on its side.

"Lying on its side"?

Well, if you're so smart,

you find one that's standing up.

Are we going to stand
here jawing all day?

Now, get them boots off,
let's try waking up again.

And this time, put
more zip in the drill.

There's not going to be any more

pounding up and down the stairs

drilling in this
hotel. Oh, Kate...

And I don't know what
you're doing it for anyway.

Mr. Phillips will be here
today to take charge.

Oh, that's why we
had to rush over here.

You knew he was coming.

You were afraid
he'd show you up.

Yeah, he wants to
be the big cheese.

What does this Phillips know?

He's an expert.

He manufactures fire equipment.

We don't want any outsiders
a-meddling in our affairs.

No, we got you
to meddle in them.

Look, if you don't
want me to be the chief,

all you got to
do is just say so.

We don't want you to be chief.

Lucky thing I can
take your kidding.

I wasn't kidding.

I'll accept your apology.

Now, let's get on with
the hook and ladder drill.

When you said "car," I
thought you meant a...

This is the only kind of car

that can take us to Shady Rest.

Uh, care to share
a handle with me?

Delighted.

Okay, by the numbers.

One.

Two.

What's the sense in having
a hook and ladder drill

if you ain't got somebody
to carry down the ladder?

It's not going to be me.

Hi, Uncle Joe.

Betty Jo, would
you like to volunteer

your services to be
carried down a ladder?

No, thank you.

Mom, your guest is here.

Nobody wants to help.

Who are you?

Well, how do you do?

Chief, my name is Phillips.

Oh, you're the
outsider's gonna tell us

how to run the fire
department. Oh, no.

No, sir, I'm not going
to tell you how to run it.

I'm just here to help
you in any way I can.

You really want to help?

Why, of course I do.

Help! Help!

PHILLIPS: Help!

What in the name of... Help!

That sounds like Mr. Phillips.

Well, come on! Help!

Help!

Help! That's
right, Mr. Phillips!

Act panic-struck. Help!

He ain't acting.

Joe, this is the silliest.

Well, he wanted to
help, didn't he? Help!

That's your big
city fire expert.

'Fraid he'll fall out of a
second-story window.

Help! Don't worry, you're
in the capable hands

of the Hooterville
Fire Department.

Help! Help me!

Let go I told you! Let go!

Floyd, pull him back in!

I can't! Where's
Charley with the ladder?

Help!

This is all I could find of it.

For crying out loud.

Where's that tarpaulin?

Help!

Oh, there it is!

Help! Help!

My land!

Don't panic, Kate,
I'm in charge.

Help!

Girls, give us a hand with this!

Oh! Help!

Floyd, hang on to him!

I'm doing the best I can!

Help! All right,
steady, men. Steady.

Help! Everybody
brace themselves.

(screams)

Oops!

(bouncing)

Stop bouncing him!

(bouncing continues)

That-that chicken broth's

better for you than
a shot of penicillin.

It'll take that wobbly
feeling out of your legs.

Well, I am a little better.

I-I-I sure hope you didn't
mean all those things you yelled

about taking legal
action against the fellas.

Well, I did at the time.

And then you saved my life.

Oh, all I did was stop
them from bouncing you.

No, no. I meant after that.

When you prevented them

from giving me
artificial respiration.

Well, you can see
what we're up against

trying to organize
a fire department.

You know, Mrs. Bradley,
I've been thinking.

You know that train?

The Cannonball?

Yes. That train might well solve

your firefighting problems.

Well, if it's going to
cost any money, forget it.

You know, money isn't always
the answer, Mrs. Bradley.

Perhaps we can work
out a barter arrangement.

I now christen thee
Fire Engine Train #1.

(glass breaking,
applause and whistling)

You got chicken broth
all over the tender.

Oh, quit complaining, Floyd.

If it hadn't been for
Kate's chicken broth,

Mr. Phillips would never have
donated that pump and hose.

JOE: Yeah, that was a pretty
smart deal I made with him.

You made?

Why he wouldn't even talk to
you after he fell out of the window.

Yeah, Kate's the one that
made the arrangements

to send him a jar of
chicken broth every month

in exchange for the equipment.

Well, let's get on with the
rest of the dedication ceremony.

Folks!

Standing in front of
the Hooterville Station

25 miles away, Newt
Kiley is waiting to light

the same kind of
fire alarm rocket

your fire department
is going to distribute

to every farm and
home in the valley.

Newt will set off his
rocket at precisely 8:00,

indicating a false alarm fire.

Upon seeing the signal,

the members of the
Hooterville Fire Department

will spring into action,

jump on Fire Department Train ♪1

and race to the scene
of the false alarm fire

and let on like
they're putting it out.

In the meantime,

you'll be serenaded
with several selections

by the Hooterville Volunteer
Fire Department Band.

I thank you.

You know, Mom, I
think this rocket idea

of Uncle Joe's kind
of makes sense.

(tuba plays) We'll see.

Hold it, Floyd.

This is no time to practice.

I ain't practicing.

I'm just seeing if the air
brake valve's working.

(squeaky note)

I'm ready.

All right.

One and two and...

(playing slowly and off-tune)

(fizzles, clatters)

(continues playing)

(rockets whistling and popping)

(band continues)

(rocket whistles)
There's the rocket.

(tapping, band stops)

Folks, the signal rocket
has just been sighted.

The volunteers will now
lay down their instruments

and calmly walk to the train.

(rocket whistling continues)

(popping)

Look, there's another one.

That darn fool, Newt.

He was only
supposed to light one.

Once aboard the
train, the engineer will...

(fireworks exploding)

I think that last one
must've been an aerial bomb.

(rocket exploding, fizzing)

(rocket whistling)

That Newt, nobody
told him to haul

all that fireworks out of
the station and set it off.

(fireworks continue
popping and whistling)

I got a strange
feeling he didn't

haul it out of the station.

It's the real thing!

Follow me, men!

(train chugging)

Wait for me!

(fizzling)

Come on, girls. Let's
start some coffee brewing.

They're going to need it.
Oh, can't we stay and watch?

It's beautiful.

It's just like the
Fourth of July.

(barking)

Train must be coming.

I didn't hear the whistle.

Well, he can hear it for miles.

Hey, it's morning.

They've been out all night.

Say, we better
heat up the coffee

and warm up those
doughnuts we made, huh?

I didn't hear the train.

Huh, maybe he was dreaming.

(barks)

Nope, that's his train bark.

Mom!

Where's the Cannonball?!

This is the Cannonball.

What happened to the train?

I couldn't stop it.

It ran off the end of
the track at Hooterville.

Floyd left the air brake
part here on his tuba.

At least the fire
pump worked, Kate.

We hooked up the hose,

turned it on, and
you should've seen

that stream of
water squirting out.

It's too bad it didn't
run off the track

closer to the fire.

You-you mean the station?

You didn't save any of it?

"Hoote..."

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

This has been a
Filmways Presentation.