Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 2, Episode 12 - The Lost Patrol - full transcript
Some Army soldiers are staying at the Shady Rest as it is near their location for conducting maneuvers. Most men seem to want to maneuver with the girls more than the Army.
They say an army
marches on its stomachs,
but it seems it's their hearts
that are setting the pace
for the troops who
come to Hooterville
in this next episode.
Bea Benaderet's real
life son, Jack Bannon,
plays one of the
visiting servicemen,
and General
Patterson is portrayed
by Edward Platt who
would go on to play
the long-suffering
Chief on Get Smart.
Let's investigate just what
sort of maneuvers the troops
are up to in this episode
called "The Lost Patrol."
(train whistle blows)
♪ Come ride the little train ♪
♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪
(bell clanging)
♪ Forget about your cares ♪
♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪
(whistle blows twice)
♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪
♪ And even more when you get ♪
♪ To the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
(snare drum plays train rhythm)
♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
♪ At the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪
(train whistle blows)
(whistle blowing, bell
clanging, engine huffing)
(all laughing)
Hey, cut it out!
You're gonna get it, Betty Jo.
(barking)
Hey, cut it out, Betty Jo.
Hey, cut it out.
Come on.
Come on, your water
wings will hold you up.
Yeah, come on.
What did you put
water wings on him for?
All dogs can swim.
Come on, boy, jump in.
Come on, boy, come on.
(screaming, laughing)
Look, look.
Oh, no, he lost his water wings.
I can't see him.
There he is.
Where?
Over there.
I told you he didn't
need water wings.
He doesn't, but you do!
(all shouting)
Sam?
I'm back here setting type.
Of all the ding-dong...
You need some help, Sam?
Oh, thanks, Kate.
I'm botching things
up pretty good.
Always happens when
I try to get out an extra.
The day Doris
Malcolm had her triplets,
a lemon got
squooze in the press.
The party line broke the story
before I could get the
seeds scraped off of the type.
What happened
that calls for an extra?
Oh, the army's
moving into the valley.
What army?
The U.S. one.
What for?
Ever see such a mess?
The big letters are mixed
in with the little ones,
and the pica type
is all... Sam. Huh?
What's the army
moving into the valley for?
Well, if I tell you, you
promise not to say nothing
till I get this story
sorted and set again.
Yeah, I promise.
I don't know how long
it's going to take me
with a mess like
this. Sam... Hmm?
Oh! Oh, they're having
war games or something...
Green army against
the blue army.
By this time, there's soldiers
swarming all over the valley.
Where in the valley?
Well, the general said
a lot of the fighting's
gonna take place
around the Shady Rest.
Bye.
I've got to get
back to the hotel.
I left the girls swimming
in the water tank.
Well, there's nothing
to worry about.
Nuh... With the girls swimming
and the soldiers swarming?
(exasperated sigh)
Thank goodness
the train's still here.
What does that sign mean?
Oh, that means the train's
been make-believe blowed up.
You can't use it.
But I got to!
The girls are swimming in the...
Kate, there is
nothing to worry about.
Now I was a doughboy
in World War I,
and we were walking by this pond
and these girls were swimming...
Kate, if I was you,
I'd start walking.
Uh, running!
You got any idea
where we are, Hank?
I think that we're...
I'll tell you where you are.
I'm in charge of this patrol
ever since the
lieutenant got captured.
I outrank you guys.
Private First Class.
Hey, do we have to salute him?
Okay, sir, where are we?
We're lost.
One of us is going to have
to take these binoculars
and climb one of these big
trees and take a look around.
Should we give you a boost, sir?
Get ready to move out!
Found my suntan lotion.
Hey, good. Rub some
on my back. Okay.
Hey, wait a minute,
it's my lotion.
You rub it on my back.
I've got a feeling
we're being watched.
Hey, what's so
interesting over there?
Hey, that's the property
of the U.S. Army.
Made in Japan.
Wow!
Any orders like
advance and capture?
I thought we were supposed
to be fighting the green army.
You fight 'em.
We'll meet you later.
(barking)
Don't move.
Should we search them?
What for? Concealed weapons.
They aren't concealing
anything. Yeah.
What are you boys
doing around here?
We're a blue army patrol.
I'm the commanding officer...
Private First Class Hank Benton.
This is Tod Langwell
and Stu Howard.
Hi. Hi. Hi.
Sorry, girls, but
you're prisoners of war.
Yeah, we'll have to get your
name, rank and telephone number.
Hey, anybody else around here?
Just me.
Is that gun loaded, ma'am?
You care to find out?
No, ma'am.
We're just looking
over the terrain, ma'am.
Oh, well, you've seen
enough of the terrain
to be able to draw
it from memory.
Girls, get in the hotel
and put on some clothes.
Oh, but, Mom, we're
prisoners of war.
That's right, ma'am.
We've captured this hotel.
Oh, how could you
capture the hotel,
when I've captured you?
Well, you see the way these
war games work, ma'am,
is that we have three guns
and you only have one.
Therefore, we have
superior firepower.
Which means you're captured.
Come on, girls.
Hold it.
Oh, Mom, you don't
want these poor boys
to get into any trouble, do you?
No.
You've got to play
according to the rules, ma'am.
Well, that's all right.
As long as they're
my rules, understand?
That's all right with us, ma'am.
Good. Then let's
go into the hotel
and talk about the surrender
terms over a glass of lemonade.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Come on, prisoners.
Let's go, girls.
Oh, boy.
But I still don't understand
how you play these war games.
Well, they split
us into two armies.
Now this is the blue one
and this is the green one.
And we're trying to take the
valley from the green army.
That reminds me of
when I was in the Big War.
Oh, the Spanish-American War?
World War I.
Now there was a war.
There was none of
this push-button stuff.
We were in a trench, right here,
and the enemy was
in a trench there.
Sometimes we wouldn't
be more than 25 feet apart.
I remember one morning,
looking across no-man's-land
watching a fella do his laundry.
It was a very clean war.
More pie, anybody?
There was nothing
clean about it.
First two months
I was in the army,
I was standing in mud so
deep I couldn't even move.
Six transports sailed for France
before they could get him out.
More pie, Hank?
Oh, no thank you.
Kate, I didn't get all
them medals of mine
by goldbricking at Camp Yaphank.
Oh, well, what camp did you
get 'em for goldbricking at?
Some more pie, Tod?
You can laugh, but I
was decorated personal
by Blackjack hisself.
Hey, General Pershing?
No, no, Blackjack Coby.
He ran the 21 game
in the rest area.
How about you, Stu?
No, thanks, Mrs. Bradley.
Oh, well, you boys
can take this with you
when you decide to move on.
HANK: Oh, we weren't
figuring on moving on.
We thought we'd set up an
observation post right here.
Best place to do any observing
around here is on Spoonin' Rock.
You can see the whole valley.
Spoonin' Rock? Well,
why don't we all go up
and take a look at
it, and, you know...
As you were.
If there's any coed
observing to be done,
it's gonna be done in the lobby.
Aw, but, Mrs. Bradley...
My rules, remember?
Uncle Joe, I'm
gonna need your help.
You're not putting me on KP.
It's more like, uh, guard duty.
So I slowly crawled
through the enemy lines
until I come to
this barbed wire.
So I crawled under it.
Well, maybe I climbed over it.
Anyway, I got a medal
for that act of bravery.
Gosh, you sure
got a lot of medals,
didn't you, Mr. Carson?
Aw, well, I...
Maybe Mr. Carson
would show them to you.
Oh, no, uh, Mr. Carson's
much too modest
to show us his decorations.
No, I ain't.
You wait right here.
Wait here.
Anybody here?
Oh, I'll be right
with you, General.
By the time I get out
this blankety-blank extra
the war games will be over.
What can I do for you, General?
How can I get to the
Shady Rest Hotel?
By train, ordinarily,
but the Cannonball
has been make-believe blowed up.
I know; my troops destroyed it.
There's a road, but
that's been blowed up, too.
That wasn't part
of my battle plan.
It wasn't part of the county
road department's plan either.
They didn't figure
on Luke Seller
dropping that dynamite.
You could walk the tracks.
I've got a jeep.
That'd be a mighty
rough road over them ties.
Course, it wouldn't be as rough
as riding in the Cannonball.
Rough as riding
in the Cannonball.
Sergeant Carson reporting.
Aren't you a little early
for trick-or-treating?
Remember, Kate?
Old army uniform.
What old army had
uniforms like that?
AEF.
Oh.
I never noticed
those medals before.
Well, I'm never a man to
brag about my war record.
Yeah, I could understand that.
You know what this is?
That's the "crocks de garr-y,"
Given to me by a French general.
Isn't that an Iron Cross?
No, the fella that
sold it to me...
I mean, I got medals
from all nationalities
of generals.
Mm-hm... uh, how come
you put your uniform on?
To show them doubting
GI's my hardware. Oh.
Say, you ain't seen them
and the girls, have you?
I thought you were
keeping an eye on them.
They must have ducked
out when I was up changing.
You know, if this was a
war, you could be shot
for deserting your post,
and you might be at that.
We got to look for them.
They couldn't have gone far.
The question is,
where did they go?
Now, we got to split our forces.
You take the water tower.
You take the woods.
(barks)
And I'll reconnoiter
Spoonin' Rock.
Billie Jo, when
you're a soldier,
you've got to take love
where you can find it,
'cause there may
never be a tomorrow.
Oh, I love that picture.
What picture?
The one that that
speech came from.
Well, now that we're alone...
Hello, everybody.
Now that we're not alone.
Bobbie Jo, when
you're a soldier,
you have to take
love where you find it.
Because there may
never be a tomorrow.
You're reading my mind.
No, I saw that
movie with Billie Jo.
But, Bobbie... (dog barking)
I'm on your side,
I'm on your side!
I'm on your side, son.
I know how it is
when you're a soldier.
You got to take love
where you find it,
for there may never
be no tomorrow.
Sergeant Carson,
I saw that picture.
Silent version or the remake?
Hey, there's something
coming down the track.
I think it's a jeep.
Holy smoke.
What do those two stars mean?
That means it belongs
to a... a general!
Come on, we got
to warn the guys.
(loud pop, air hissing)
Sounds like you had a blowout.
Yeah.
What outfit you with, Mac?
Mac?
I'm General Patterson.
Gener... General?
Sergeant Carson, sir.
What are you dressed for?
First World War.
That's over.
Isn't that the Iron Cross?
I'm sorry to tell you this,
but your side didn't win.
(barking)
BILLIE JO: What's the matter?
Our general!
He catches us goofing off here,
he'll throw the
book at us. Let's go!
(barking)
It's too late... he's
coming up the path.
We're cooked.
Oh, it's the stockade.
Well, Mom, isn't there
anything we can do?
Well, uh, why don't
you three go on upstairs
and I'll try and get rid of him.
Yeah, quick.
Oh, this is my
niece, Kate Bradley.
Kate, uh, this is
General Patterson,
an old army buddy of mine.
How do you do, General?
Charmed.
Who are these young ladies?
Oh, these are my
three daughters.
Billie Jo, Betty
Jo and Bobbie Jo.
How do you do, sir?
Hello, sir. Sir.
Bradley, it's a lucky thing none
of my men have found this spot.
Would make a wonderful
place for goofing off.
Oh, I don't think your men
would ever do a thing like that.
I wonder if it would
be all right with you
if I establish my
headquarters here.
Well, uh... Sure,
make yourself at home.
If you'd like to leave your gear
in one of the rooms,
just help yourself.
What's the matter, Kate?
We've got plenty of room.
There ain't nobody here.
Uh...
Well, there isn't
anybody here, is there?
No, well, uh... (banging)
What was that?
What was what?
Whoever you are, come
down with your hands in the air.
Who are they?
Uh, uh... Uh,
they're our sisters.
I thought you only
had three daughters.
Uh, uh, three, uh, uh...
three downstairs
and three upstairs.
(stammering): Uh...
this is, uh, Hanky Jo,
uh, Toddy Jo and Stuey Jo.
Do your upstairs daughters
always wear army shoes?
Some of your men
were kind enough
to give them to
us poor civilians.
How nice.
Atten-hut!
Well...
as commander of the green army,
may I say I'm very proud of you.
Thank you, General,
but we're in the blue army.
What?!
Looks like you've
been captured, General.
Now, see here...
According to the
rules of your war...
The boys explained to
me... A soldier is a prisoner
when he meets a
superior force of arms.
That's the rule, sir.
Very well... men.
Your prisoner.
How about that, Toddy Jo?
We captured ourselves a general.
(mid-tempo jazz playing)
When I enlisted, they
made me a lot of promises,
but this is the first
one that came true.
Are you sure it's all right
for you to be doing this?
Feels all right to me, baby.
Shouldn't somebody
be out on guard duty?
Oh, that there's all fixed.
(music stops)
There's milk and
doughnuts in the dining room.
Man, this is the only
way to fight a war.
Hold it.
Line up for inspection.
Hands.
Bathroom.
Bathroom.
You're just on the borderline,
but you might as well join them
and keep them company.
(growling) Quiet.
I'm on guard duty.
(growling)
Green army guys.
All right, you guys,
you're prisoners.
What do you mean?
We outnumber you.
You're our prisoners.
Where are your weapons?
Well, we, uh... Hey,
fellas, Mom's got
some more of the... Whew...!
We surrender.
Wait a second!
We're not taking any prisoners.
Get lost.
You gots it.
Those are the rules.
But-But we're not armed.
Neither are we.
Hello, baby.
My name's Jack Bevins.
As you were, Mac.
We were here first.
All I was gonna do was give her
my name, rank and serial number.
KATE: Well... two
more for doughnuts.
This way, boys.
Hold it.
But, Mrs. Bradley,
they... they...
When you are a soldier,
you got to take love
where you find it.
(whooping, clapping,
bluegrass music playing)
(whooping, clapping,
music continue)
Well, care to surrender?
Yes, ma'am.
Packs over there.
Rifles over there.
Oh, just a second.
Don't forget your check.
Map coordinate 276-D.
That's "D" for doughnuts.
And 896-G for girls.
Yeah, the Shady Rest Hotel.
The password is "surrender."
Man, this is the most.
They got doughnuts,
lemonade, girls!
That's "G" for girls,
"I" for indubitably,
"R" for ravishing,
"L" for lovely
and "S" for... for surrender!
Best food you ever tasted.
Yeah, and girls.
(Klaxon blaring)
(whooping, clapping,
music continue)
Rifles over there and pack...
Rifles over there
and pa... rachutes
over there.
Wh... Wh... Where did you...?
Mrs. Bradley?
Yeah?
Come on. What?
Oh!
Got another load
for you, General.
My, the boys are gaining on you.
Mrs. Bradley, I've
had enough of this.
You have turned these war
games into a USO hootenanny.
As far as those three...
Ah-ah, be careful, General.
Well, when I get
through with them,
they'll be raking rocks for the
next 50 years in Leavenworth.
All they did was capture you.
Well, if they hadn't
been goofing off here,
this never would have happened.
I'm gonna court-martial them.
Oh, I wouldn't do that, General.
Mrs. Bradley, I happen to be
a general of the
United States Army.
Nobody tells me what to do.
Well, all right.
But... when those three testify
that you were doing
KP in a lace apron,
it's going to get a lot of
laughs around the Pentagon.
I'll try to keep
up, Mrs. Bradley.
Well, so long, men.
You ever get in a
similar "sitch-ee-ation,"
remember to use my "strag-edy."
You mean like falling
asleep on guard duty?
Oh, I wasn't asleep...
I was just faking.
Get them green army guys to
sneak past me and surrender.
Well, I'll be seeing you.
♪ Mademoiselle from
Armentieres, parlez-vous? ♪
♪ Mademoiselle
from Armentieres... ♪
Well, Billie Jo, this is it.
We're shoving off.
Bobbie... when duty calls,
a man must answer.
Haven't you got
anything to say, Stu?
No, I didn't see that picture.
Well, this is good-bye.
At ease.
What do you want to do, lose
your good conduct medals?
Good conduct medals?
Did the general give you those?
No, I did.
Oh!
Well... thanks, Mrs. Bradley.
Let's move out, men.
Thanks for all the good
food. Oh, you're welcome.
Please come back and see
us again. Thank you, thank you.
Anytime you're around,
you come back,
you hear? Forward!
SOLDIERS: ♪ Mademoiselle
from Armentieres... ♪
Good-bye. Bye.
Don't forget to write.
(fading): ♪ Mademoiselle
from Armentieres... ♪
Well, that's the
way it is, girls.
The men go
marching off to battle.
And the women stay behind.
Why?
Somebody has to clean
up the mess they left.
Hup! On the double!
Forward march!
Hup, two, three four.
Hup, two, three, four.
♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪
This has been a
Filmways Presentation.
marches on its stomachs,
but it seems it's their hearts
that are setting the pace
for the troops who
come to Hooterville
in this next episode.
Bea Benaderet's real
life son, Jack Bannon,
plays one of the
visiting servicemen,
and General
Patterson is portrayed
by Edward Platt who
would go on to play
the long-suffering
Chief on Get Smart.
Let's investigate just what
sort of maneuvers the troops
are up to in this episode
called "The Lost Patrol."
(train whistle blows)
♪ Come ride the little train ♪
♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪
(bell clanging)
♪ Forget about your cares ♪
♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪
(whistle blows twice)
♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪
♪ And even more when you get ♪
♪ To the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
(snare drum plays train rhythm)
♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
♪ At the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪
(train whistle blows)
(whistle blowing, bell
clanging, engine huffing)
(all laughing)
Hey, cut it out!
You're gonna get it, Betty Jo.
(barking)
Hey, cut it out, Betty Jo.
Hey, cut it out.
Come on.
Come on, your water
wings will hold you up.
Yeah, come on.
What did you put
water wings on him for?
All dogs can swim.
Come on, boy, jump in.
Come on, boy, come on.
(screaming, laughing)
Look, look.
Oh, no, he lost his water wings.
I can't see him.
There he is.
Where?
Over there.
I told you he didn't
need water wings.
He doesn't, but you do!
(all shouting)
Sam?
I'm back here setting type.
Of all the ding-dong...
You need some help, Sam?
Oh, thanks, Kate.
I'm botching things
up pretty good.
Always happens when
I try to get out an extra.
The day Doris
Malcolm had her triplets,
a lemon got
squooze in the press.
The party line broke the story
before I could get the
seeds scraped off of the type.
What happened
that calls for an extra?
Oh, the army's
moving into the valley.
What army?
The U.S. one.
What for?
Ever see such a mess?
The big letters are mixed
in with the little ones,
and the pica type
is all... Sam. Huh?
What's the army
moving into the valley for?
Well, if I tell you, you
promise not to say nothing
till I get this story
sorted and set again.
Yeah, I promise.
I don't know how long
it's going to take me
with a mess like
this. Sam... Hmm?
Oh! Oh, they're having
war games or something...
Green army against
the blue army.
By this time, there's soldiers
swarming all over the valley.
Where in the valley?
Well, the general said
a lot of the fighting's
gonna take place
around the Shady Rest.
Bye.
I've got to get
back to the hotel.
I left the girls swimming
in the water tank.
Well, there's nothing
to worry about.
Nuh... With the girls swimming
and the soldiers swarming?
(exasperated sigh)
Thank goodness
the train's still here.
What does that sign mean?
Oh, that means the train's
been make-believe blowed up.
You can't use it.
But I got to!
The girls are swimming in the...
Kate, there is
nothing to worry about.
Now I was a doughboy
in World War I,
and we were walking by this pond
and these girls were swimming...
Kate, if I was you,
I'd start walking.
Uh, running!
You got any idea
where we are, Hank?
I think that we're...
I'll tell you where you are.
I'm in charge of this patrol
ever since the
lieutenant got captured.
I outrank you guys.
Private First Class.
Hey, do we have to salute him?
Okay, sir, where are we?
We're lost.
One of us is going to have
to take these binoculars
and climb one of these big
trees and take a look around.
Should we give you a boost, sir?
Get ready to move out!
Found my suntan lotion.
Hey, good. Rub some
on my back. Okay.
Hey, wait a minute,
it's my lotion.
You rub it on my back.
I've got a feeling
we're being watched.
Hey, what's so
interesting over there?
Hey, that's the property
of the U.S. Army.
Made in Japan.
Wow!
Any orders like
advance and capture?
I thought we were supposed
to be fighting the green army.
You fight 'em.
We'll meet you later.
(barking)
Don't move.
Should we search them?
What for? Concealed weapons.
They aren't concealing
anything. Yeah.
What are you boys
doing around here?
We're a blue army patrol.
I'm the commanding officer...
Private First Class Hank Benton.
This is Tod Langwell
and Stu Howard.
Hi. Hi. Hi.
Sorry, girls, but
you're prisoners of war.
Yeah, we'll have to get your
name, rank and telephone number.
Hey, anybody else around here?
Just me.
Is that gun loaded, ma'am?
You care to find out?
No, ma'am.
We're just looking
over the terrain, ma'am.
Oh, well, you've seen
enough of the terrain
to be able to draw
it from memory.
Girls, get in the hotel
and put on some clothes.
Oh, but, Mom, we're
prisoners of war.
That's right, ma'am.
We've captured this hotel.
Oh, how could you
capture the hotel,
when I've captured you?
Well, you see the way these
war games work, ma'am,
is that we have three guns
and you only have one.
Therefore, we have
superior firepower.
Which means you're captured.
Come on, girls.
Hold it.
Oh, Mom, you don't
want these poor boys
to get into any trouble, do you?
No.
You've got to play
according to the rules, ma'am.
Well, that's all right.
As long as they're
my rules, understand?
That's all right with us, ma'am.
Good. Then let's
go into the hotel
and talk about the surrender
terms over a glass of lemonade.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Come on, prisoners.
Let's go, girls.
Oh, boy.
But I still don't understand
how you play these war games.
Well, they split
us into two armies.
Now this is the blue one
and this is the green one.
And we're trying to take the
valley from the green army.
That reminds me of
when I was in the Big War.
Oh, the Spanish-American War?
World War I.
Now there was a war.
There was none of
this push-button stuff.
We were in a trench, right here,
and the enemy was
in a trench there.
Sometimes we wouldn't
be more than 25 feet apart.
I remember one morning,
looking across no-man's-land
watching a fella do his laundry.
It was a very clean war.
More pie, anybody?
There was nothing
clean about it.
First two months
I was in the army,
I was standing in mud so
deep I couldn't even move.
Six transports sailed for France
before they could get him out.
More pie, Hank?
Oh, no thank you.
Kate, I didn't get all
them medals of mine
by goldbricking at Camp Yaphank.
Oh, well, what camp did you
get 'em for goldbricking at?
Some more pie, Tod?
You can laugh, but I
was decorated personal
by Blackjack hisself.
Hey, General Pershing?
No, no, Blackjack Coby.
He ran the 21 game
in the rest area.
How about you, Stu?
No, thanks, Mrs. Bradley.
Oh, well, you boys
can take this with you
when you decide to move on.
HANK: Oh, we weren't
figuring on moving on.
We thought we'd set up an
observation post right here.
Best place to do any observing
around here is on Spoonin' Rock.
You can see the whole valley.
Spoonin' Rock? Well,
why don't we all go up
and take a look at
it, and, you know...
As you were.
If there's any coed
observing to be done,
it's gonna be done in the lobby.
Aw, but, Mrs. Bradley...
My rules, remember?
Uncle Joe, I'm
gonna need your help.
You're not putting me on KP.
It's more like, uh, guard duty.
So I slowly crawled
through the enemy lines
until I come to
this barbed wire.
So I crawled under it.
Well, maybe I climbed over it.
Anyway, I got a medal
for that act of bravery.
Gosh, you sure
got a lot of medals,
didn't you, Mr. Carson?
Aw, well, I...
Maybe Mr. Carson
would show them to you.
Oh, no, uh, Mr. Carson's
much too modest
to show us his decorations.
No, I ain't.
You wait right here.
Wait here.
Anybody here?
Oh, I'll be right
with you, General.
By the time I get out
this blankety-blank extra
the war games will be over.
What can I do for you, General?
How can I get to the
Shady Rest Hotel?
By train, ordinarily,
but the Cannonball
has been make-believe blowed up.
I know; my troops destroyed it.
There's a road, but
that's been blowed up, too.
That wasn't part
of my battle plan.
It wasn't part of the county
road department's plan either.
They didn't figure
on Luke Seller
dropping that dynamite.
You could walk the tracks.
I've got a jeep.
That'd be a mighty
rough road over them ties.
Course, it wouldn't be as rough
as riding in the Cannonball.
Rough as riding
in the Cannonball.
Sergeant Carson reporting.
Aren't you a little early
for trick-or-treating?
Remember, Kate?
Old army uniform.
What old army had
uniforms like that?
AEF.
Oh.
I never noticed
those medals before.
Well, I'm never a man to
brag about my war record.
Yeah, I could understand that.
You know what this is?
That's the "crocks de garr-y,"
Given to me by a French general.
Isn't that an Iron Cross?
No, the fella that
sold it to me...
I mean, I got medals
from all nationalities
of generals.
Mm-hm... uh, how come
you put your uniform on?
To show them doubting
GI's my hardware. Oh.
Say, you ain't seen them
and the girls, have you?
I thought you were
keeping an eye on them.
They must have ducked
out when I was up changing.
You know, if this was a
war, you could be shot
for deserting your post,
and you might be at that.
We got to look for them.
They couldn't have gone far.
The question is,
where did they go?
Now, we got to split our forces.
You take the water tower.
You take the woods.
(barks)
And I'll reconnoiter
Spoonin' Rock.
Billie Jo, when
you're a soldier,
you've got to take love
where you can find it,
'cause there may
never be a tomorrow.
Oh, I love that picture.
What picture?
The one that that
speech came from.
Well, now that we're alone...
Hello, everybody.
Now that we're not alone.
Bobbie Jo, when
you're a soldier,
you have to take
love where you find it.
Because there may
never be a tomorrow.
You're reading my mind.
No, I saw that
movie with Billie Jo.
But, Bobbie... (dog barking)
I'm on your side,
I'm on your side!
I'm on your side, son.
I know how it is
when you're a soldier.
You got to take love
where you find it,
for there may never
be no tomorrow.
Sergeant Carson,
I saw that picture.
Silent version or the remake?
Hey, there's something
coming down the track.
I think it's a jeep.
Holy smoke.
What do those two stars mean?
That means it belongs
to a... a general!
Come on, we got
to warn the guys.
(loud pop, air hissing)
Sounds like you had a blowout.
Yeah.
What outfit you with, Mac?
Mac?
I'm General Patterson.
Gener... General?
Sergeant Carson, sir.
What are you dressed for?
First World War.
That's over.
Isn't that the Iron Cross?
I'm sorry to tell you this,
but your side didn't win.
(barking)
BILLIE JO: What's the matter?
Our general!
He catches us goofing off here,
he'll throw the
book at us. Let's go!
(barking)
It's too late... he's
coming up the path.
We're cooked.
Oh, it's the stockade.
Well, Mom, isn't there
anything we can do?
Well, uh, why don't
you three go on upstairs
and I'll try and get rid of him.
Yeah, quick.
Oh, this is my
niece, Kate Bradley.
Kate, uh, this is
General Patterson,
an old army buddy of mine.
How do you do, General?
Charmed.
Who are these young ladies?
Oh, these are my
three daughters.
Billie Jo, Betty
Jo and Bobbie Jo.
How do you do, sir?
Hello, sir. Sir.
Bradley, it's a lucky thing none
of my men have found this spot.
Would make a wonderful
place for goofing off.
Oh, I don't think your men
would ever do a thing like that.
I wonder if it would
be all right with you
if I establish my
headquarters here.
Well, uh... Sure,
make yourself at home.
If you'd like to leave your gear
in one of the rooms,
just help yourself.
What's the matter, Kate?
We've got plenty of room.
There ain't nobody here.
Uh...
Well, there isn't
anybody here, is there?
No, well, uh... (banging)
What was that?
What was what?
Whoever you are, come
down with your hands in the air.
Who are they?
Uh, uh... Uh,
they're our sisters.
I thought you only
had three daughters.
Uh, uh, three, uh, uh...
three downstairs
and three upstairs.
(stammering): Uh...
this is, uh, Hanky Jo,
uh, Toddy Jo and Stuey Jo.
Do your upstairs daughters
always wear army shoes?
Some of your men
were kind enough
to give them to
us poor civilians.
How nice.
Atten-hut!
Well...
as commander of the green army,
may I say I'm very proud of you.
Thank you, General,
but we're in the blue army.
What?!
Looks like you've
been captured, General.
Now, see here...
According to the
rules of your war...
The boys explained to
me... A soldier is a prisoner
when he meets a
superior force of arms.
That's the rule, sir.
Very well... men.
Your prisoner.
How about that, Toddy Jo?
We captured ourselves a general.
(mid-tempo jazz playing)
When I enlisted, they
made me a lot of promises,
but this is the first
one that came true.
Are you sure it's all right
for you to be doing this?
Feels all right to me, baby.
Shouldn't somebody
be out on guard duty?
Oh, that there's all fixed.
(music stops)
There's milk and
doughnuts in the dining room.
Man, this is the only
way to fight a war.
Hold it.
Line up for inspection.
Hands.
Bathroom.
Bathroom.
You're just on the borderline,
but you might as well join them
and keep them company.
(growling) Quiet.
I'm on guard duty.
(growling)
Green army guys.
All right, you guys,
you're prisoners.
What do you mean?
We outnumber you.
You're our prisoners.
Where are your weapons?
Well, we, uh... Hey,
fellas, Mom's got
some more of the... Whew...!
We surrender.
Wait a second!
We're not taking any prisoners.
Get lost.
You gots it.
Those are the rules.
But-But we're not armed.
Neither are we.
Hello, baby.
My name's Jack Bevins.
As you were, Mac.
We were here first.
All I was gonna do was give her
my name, rank and serial number.
KATE: Well... two
more for doughnuts.
This way, boys.
Hold it.
But, Mrs. Bradley,
they... they...
When you are a soldier,
you got to take love
where you find it.
(whooping, clapping,
bluegrass music playing)
(whooping, clapping,
music continue)
Well, care to surrender?
Yes, ma'am.
Packs over there.
Rifles over there.
Oh, just a second.
Don't forget your check.
Map coordinate 276-D.
That's "D" for doughnuts.
And 896-G for girls.
Yeah, the Shady Rest Hotel.
The password is "surrender."
Man, this is the most.
They got doughnuts,
lemonade, girls!
That's "G" for girls,
"I" for indubitably,
"R" for ravishing,
"L" for lovely
and "S" for... for surrender!
Best food you ever tasted.
Yeah, and girls.
(Klaxon blaring)
(whooping, clapping,
music continue)
Rifles over there and pack...
Rifles over there
and pa... rachutes
over there.
Wh... Wh... Where did you...?
Mrs. Bradley?
Yeah?
Come on. What?
Oh!
Got another load
for you, General.
My, the boys are gaining on you.
Mrs. Bradley, I've
had enough of this.
You have turned these war
games into a USO hootenanny.
As far as those three...
Ah-ah, be careful, General.
Well, when I get
through with them,
they'll be raking rocks for the
next 50 years in Leavenworth.
All they did was capture you.
Well, if they hadn't
been goofing off here,
this never would have happened.
I'm gonna court-martial them.
Oh, I wouldn't do that, General.
Mrs. Bradley, I happen to be
a general of the
United States Army.
Nobody tells me what to do.
Well, all right.
But... when those three testify
that you were doing
KP in a lace apron,
it's going to get a lot of
laughs around the Pentagon.
I'll try to keep
up, Mrs. Bradley.
Well, so long, men.
You ever get in a
similar "sitch-ee-ation,"
remember to use my "strag-edy."
You mean like falling
asleep on guard duty?
Oh, I wasn't asleep...
I was just faking.
Get them green army guys to
sneak past me and surrender.
Well, I'll be seeing you.
♪ Mademoiselle from
Armentieres, parlez-vous? ♪
♪ Mademoiselle
from Armentieres... ♪
Well, Billie Jo, this is it.
We're shoving off.
Bobbie... when duty calls,
a man must answer.
Haven't you got
anything to say, Stu?
No, I didn't see that picture.
Well, this is good-bye.
At ease.
What do you want to do, lose
your good conduct medals?
Good conduct medals?
Did the general give you those?
No, I did.
Oh!
Well... thanks, Mrs. Bradley.
Let's move out, men.
Thanks for all the good
food. Oh, you're welcome.
Please come back and see
us again. Thank you, thank you.
Anytime you're around,
you come back,
you hear? Forward!
SOLDIERS: ♪ Mademoiselle
from Armentieres... ♪
Good-bye. Bye.
Don't forget to write.
(fading): ♪ Mademoiselle
from Armentieres... ♪
Well, that's the
way it is, girls.
The men go
marching off to battle.
And the women stay behind.
Why?
Somebody has to clean
up the mess they left.
Hup! On the double!
Forward march!
Hup, two, three four.
Hup, two, three, four.
♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪
This has been a
Filmways Presentation.