Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 2, Episode 11 - Mother of the Bride - full transcript

Kate is angry when she hears that Billie Jo is engaged to Selma Plout's son. It is not the engagement, but rather that he is related to her enemy.

Sparks fly when the
rumor gets around

that Billie Jo is secretly
engaged to Dan Plout,

the son of Kate's
archrival Selma Plout.

Fans of the show will
immediately recognize Mike Minor

who played Dan Plout
in this one episode.

Now Michael would become
a regular in season four

of Petticoat Junction
as pilot Steve Elliott.

And, by the way, Steve
Elliott married my character,

Betty Jo Bradley, on the show

and in real life, he married
me, Linda Kaye Henning.

Think of this episode as a
sort of Midwestside Story.



It's actually called
"Mother of the Bride."

(train whistle blows)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪



♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows)

FLOYD: All aboard!

Harvey, you and Minnie
ain't engaged, are you?

No.

You know the rules
of the late, late, local.

Newt, you and
Tessie's been married

nearly 30 years, ain't you?

Well, you might as well get
some enjoyment out of this.

We're not breaking
any rules, Floyd.

Say, you two ain't
had a fight, have you?

Of course not.

Well, it's sure nice to see

a Plout getting
along with a Bradley.

Kate and your ma, Dan, ought

to take peace lessons
from you two young'uns.

Why, every time they
get together, why, they...

Harvey!

You two ain't secretly
engaged, are you?

What makes you ask that?

Well, if you was,

you'd be entitled to put
your arm around Billie Jo.

You don't think Floyd suspects
anything, do you, Billie Jo?

I don't think so.

We've been pretty careful.

I sure don't like
this sneaking around

just to keep my
mother from finding out

who I'm going out with.

BILLIE JO: Dan, now,
I'm not complaining.

Oh, I'll show you something.

(gasping): The ring.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Look at the engraving.

"From Dan with love."

(gasps) Oh, Dan,
you're so sweet.

I'm going to have the wedding
date engraved in it, too,

right after the ceremony.

You want to try it on?

It won't be bad luck?

Of course not.

BILLIE JO: Oh...!

It's a little loose, but...

Well, here, I don't
want to lose it.

Well, I'll be a...
(train whistle blows)

(gavel pounding,
indistinct chatter)

Please come to order.

Ladies.

Ladies, I'm going
to have to ask you

to do your hollering in
a more orderly fashion.

Chair recognizes Maggie Gordon.

Ladies of the Every Other
Wednesday Afternoon

Discussion Group...

Peanut butter and
jelly sandwiches.

You'd think they'd get tired

of meeting and eating the
same thing after 17 years.

I told you there ain't no
sleeping on the front porch

with all that wind
blowing out of the lobby.

(whimpering)

This peanut butter'll just
make your tongue stick

to the roof of your mouth.

It's your roof.

(muffled bark)

Ain't nothin' worse
than a doubting dog.

The next item on the agenda

is, uh, "Finding
Culture in Books."

This week we're gonna
hear an interesting review

from Selma Plout.

KATE: What book
you reviewing, Selma?

The same one I've
been trying to review

the last three meetings:

Dr. Holbein's Vegetable
Gardening on a Budget.

Well, snap it up.

The Cannonball's almost due.

Do you hear something?

Is the train coming?

I didn't hear no whistle.

Well, if it is, you ain't
gonna be able to announce it

with a mouth full
of peanut butter.

On the first page,
Dr. Holbein states...

(clearing throat)

Oh, excuse me, Selma.

Yes, Uncle Joe?

I thought you ladies
would like to know...

(barking)

Oh, the train's in, ladies.

Oh, Uncle Joe, what were
you going to tell the ladies?

Nothing.

Who unstuck your big mouth?

Uh, sorry, Selma, we'll
have to postpone your review

till the next meeting.

Now, we will now adjourn...

Just a second, Kate Bradley.

Before we do any adjourning,
I've got something to say.

But, Selma, you... I'm sick
and tired of being cut off

every other week right in
the middle of my book review,

just 'cause the train comes in.

But you wouldn't want to
keep Floyd and Charley waiting.

They make a special trip
out here to pick up you girls.

They wouldn't have to if we was
to hold the meetings at my house

instead of out here.

But the bylaws state that
the meetings are to be held

at the house of whoever's
madam chairwoman.

Yeah, and Kate's been
madam chairwoman

ever since we formed the club.

Then I say it's about time we
changed the madam chairwoman

and the meeting place.

Selma, if you would like
to elect somebody else,

that is your right.

You don't have to
tell me my rights.

I'm sick and tired of you
lording it over the meetings.

Pounding that gavel at us.

Serving us them same stale

peanut butter and
jelly sandwiches.

Now hold on, Selma Plout.

If you don't like the way I run
the meetings, that's one thing,

but don't you knock
what I set on my table.

Why Kate sets the best
table in the whole valley.

That's a matter of opinion.

Any time you want, I'll
cook you recipe for recipe,

and spot you two
pounds of bicarb of soda.

Well, well, let me tell you...

Girls, why don't we discuss
this at the next meeting.

As far as I'm concerned,
there isn't going to be one.

Meeting and club adjourned.

That's all the dishes, Mom.

Oh, thanks, girls.

I guess you won't be
needing us anymore.

Oh, I guess I will.

You two dry and I'll wash.

How come Bobbie
Jo got out of helping?

She has to study for an
algebra test tomorrow.

Oh, well, I got a
test tomorrow, too.

In what?

Gym.

Drying will be just the thing
to tone up your muscles.

Now why don't you
dry the whole thing?

Division of labor.

There are two of us.

I dry the bottom,
you dry the top.

Come on, Betty Jo,
quit fooling around.

I've got a date.

Oh, who with?

Dan Plout.

Plout?!

Ooh, you said a naughty word.

Oh, no, just because Selma and I

have been at
arguing for 17 years,

doesn't mean I have
anything against Dan.

It's just too bad
she's his mother.

You've been going out with
him for over a month now.

Giving up all your
other boyfriends?

Look, if you think...

How can you be so cruel?

All those poor boys pining
away for your companionship.

Now see here, infant.

Infant?!

Betty, your bottom's wet.

No, I think Dan's
a very nice boy.

I don't have any objections

to your going
out with him at all.

Neither do I.

Well, thank you. I'll tell Dan.

And if he wants to marry you,
you kids have our blessing.

Right, Mom?

I think I'll reserve
judgment till the time comes.

Mom doesn't want
to face the possibility

of being kin to Mrs. Plout.

Well, it isn't the most
pleasant thought.

It's just like
Romeo and Juliet...

The Montagues and the Capulets.

A couple of new families
moved into the valley?

It's a famous love
story, Uncle Joe.

Romeo and Juliet were in
love and wanted to get married,

but their families were feuding.

What'd they do, elope?

They committed suicide.

None of them foreign
pictures have a happy ending.

If her ma won't
let you marry Dan,

why don't you have
him get a ladder,

put it up to your
window and elope?

Thanks for the advice.

That's all right.

If you need any help
on any other problems,

just call on your old Uncle Joe.

Uncle Joe, um, Betty Jo and
I do have a serious problem.

What's that?

Well, we can't seem to agree

on the best way
to dry those dishes.

Do you think you could show us?

Sure. You just put the
towel in your left hand,

take the dish in your right hand

and you dry the top first,

and then you can...

I knew all the time
they just wanted me

to dry the dishes for them.

Then dry them.

You know, Uncle Joe,
Billie's reached the age

where marriage is more
than a passing thought.

And I don't think
it's a good idea

putting ideas in her
head about eloping.

Well, she ain't got much choice,

the way you feel
about Selma Plout.

What gives you the idea

that Billie Jo's going
to be marrying Dan?

What gives you
the idea she ain't?

Oh, that's just a
lot of foolishness.

Sure.

(whistling "Here
Comes the Bride")

Ready for another dish.

Do you know
something I don't know?

Depends on what you
don't know that I know.

If Billie Jo were
planning to marry Dan,

I'd be the first to know.

Then how come you don't?

What?

Ain't you noticed the signs?

What signs?

Ever since Billie's

been going out
regularly with Dan,

her appetite's been
dropping off to nothing.

That can only mean
one thing... She's in love.

She's been in love before
and she's eaten like a horse.

I know, but this
proves it's the real thing.

Eh!

Have you noticed how
she stares off into space

and acts absent-minded and can't
remember where she put things?

Billie Jo?

She never forgot
a thing in her life.

Mom, do you know
where my earrings are?

Yeah, they're on your ears.

(laughs)

Isn't that silly.

And the next
sure-fire sign is...

I've done that same
thing myself many times.

Doesn't mean anything.

All right, then we'll examine
the party of the second part...

Dan Plout.

Have you noticed
how he holds the coats

when Billie and he goes out?

Or how he opens
the door for her?

He's just being polite.

Kate, those are the
kind of thought-y things

a fella does before he's married

that his wife complains that
he don't do after he's married.

You're just trying to
twist things around

to prove something that
isn't even a possibility.

Maybe it ain't,

but if I was you, I'd
make up with Selma

and keep peace with
Billie Jo's future in-law.

If Billie Jo had any
idea of marrying Dan,

I would make up with
Selma, but she hasn't.

Kate, when Bill
was courtin' you,

did he ever do any
little special things

to ingratiate himself
with your father?

Yeah, he used to
bring him cigars.

You got a light?

(bell clanging, engine chugging)

Beautiful day, isn't it, Selma?

Huh.

Oh, is that a new hairdo?

It's very becoming to you.

Huh!

You know, Selma,
I've been thinking

about what you said
at the last meeting,

and you're right.

I have been chairwoman too long.

You certainly have.

And confidentially, about those

peanut butter and jelly
sandwiches of mine...

They're not very good.

They certainly ain't.

Ah, afternoon, ladies.

Which of you is first?

Well, I was here before Selma,

but you can go ahead
and wait on her, Sam.

I beg your pardon, but
I was here before you.

Why, when I was
coming through the door,

you were halfway...
she was here before me.

Don't do me no favors.

I'm not doing you any favors.

You said you were
here before me,

and I'm taking your word for it.

Are you inferring I'm fibbing?

I'm not inferring.

I'm saying.

SAM: Ladies.

Ladies, there's no problem.

I'll-I'll wait on both of you.

Now, what'll it be, Kate?

Can of pineapple.

Large or small? Small.

I'll take a large can
and a pound of sugar.

I'll take five pounds of sugar.

Five pounds.

And a jar of peanut butter.

One bottle Dr. Smith's
Stomach Soother.

Um, uh, a pound of sugar.

You already ordered five pounds.

Well, make it ten. I'll take 20.

I'll see your 20 and raise
you a 50-pound sack.

Business sure picks up
when you ladies is on the outs.

Anything else, Kate?

No, thank you.

Just put it on my bill.

I'll pay cash.

(dismissive twitter)

Some people have
more money than brains.

Now, see here,
Kate Bradley, I...

Now, ladies, please.

You've been
bickering for 17 years.

It's about time you shook
hands and made up.

Oh, come on.

Well, I'm not one
to hold a grudge,

Selma Plout, so...

if you're willing to apologize,

I'm willing to accept it.

I? Apologize?

There you are,
Kate, she apologized.

I did no such thing.

If there's any apologizing
to be done around here,

she's the one
that's gonna do it.

(guffawing): That'll be the day!

Well, of all the stubborn...

Sam, I'll be back later.

I'll never speak to her again,

even if my Billie Jo
does marry her Dan.

Billie Jo and Dan
getting married?

Billie Jo and Dan?

Yeah.

Of course, it
didn't surprise me.

I've seen it coming
for a long time now.

Well, they certainly
have kept it a secret.

No secret to me.

Dan asked my
permission months ago.

Been bringing me
cigars ever since.

How does Kate feel about it?

How do I feel about it?

I don't believe it.

Kate, you gotta face the facts.

Billie Jo would not do

a thing like this
behind my back.

It's the story of
Romeo and Juliet.

You see, these two kids
wanted to get married

and their families
was a-feudin'...

It's not true.

Well, ask Betty Jo.

You mean she knows
about Billie and Dan?

No, about Romeo and Juliet.

You heard her telling it.

Well, all I know is, if they're
planning to get married...

And I'm not admitting
they are... By law, they have

to get my permission before
Billie Jo can get a license.

That's right.

Course, that law don't
apply in this county.

Well, when she was
thinking about getting

a driver's license, she
had to get my permission.

They ain't as strict
about driving licenses.

Train's in.

How come that
four-footed flea factory

lets you announce the trains,

and every time I
try it, he... (barking)

Train in?

Yes, didn't you hear
Uncle Joe barking?

Howdy. KATE: Howdy, Floyd.

BETTY JO: Hi. BILLIE JO: Hi.

Charley said for
you to come down

to the train and say hello.

I got a note here from
Dan for you, Billie Jo.

Now, what did I do with it?

I know I put it somewhere.

Doggone it.

Well, I can't remember.

(clears throat)
Floyd, is that it?

Oh, yeah.

(gasps) Hold the train, Floyd.

I've got to go
into town with you.

Well, what's the matter?

Oh, nothing, Mom, nothing.

Wonder what was in that
note to get her so stirred up.

Well, let's see.

It said, "Must
talk to you at once

about you know what. Love."

"You know what"?

Floyd, you had no right

to read Billie Jo's
secret love letter.

Well, it wasn't sealed,

so I didn't think it was secret.

If it was, you
couldn't have kept it.

I can keep a secret

better than you can, Joe Carson.

What secret did you ever keep?

Well, I never said nothing

about Dan trying
the wedding ring

on Billie Jo's finger
the other night.

Wedding ring?!

Wild horses couldn't
have drug that out of me.

Billie Jo, I got to talk to you.

I can't now, Mom...
I got to go to town.

And I won't be home for supper.

Come on, Floyd!

KATE: Billie Jo!

Well, Kate, what do you say now?

I'll do my saying to Billie Jo

when she gets home tonight.

We can't take a
chance on waiting.

Mr. Drucker knows something.

You should have
heard him dropping

all sorts of
not-too-subtle hints,

like how he performs discount
weddings for his friends

and how his licenses have
rosebuds painted on them.

But he didn't come
right out and ask

if you were going to get...
I didn't give him a chance.

But he's liable to say
something to my mother,

and that will be the
end of everything.

And that's why I think the
wedding should be moved up.

Well, I think tomorrow

would be a perfect day for it.

You riding out
with Billie Jo, Dan?

Listen, you don't have
to ride back with me.

We have to get up
pretty early. Okay.

I'll see you at 5:00
a.m. sharp. Okay.

♪ ♪

(light tap)

(quietly): Is Billie Jo there?

No, Billie Jo's
in the next room.

A ladder...?!

Holy smoke!

Whew! Okay, you
can move the ladder.

All right.

BETTY JO: Wait for me.

Just where do you
think you're going?

With you. No, you're not.

Yes, I am! Shh!

You'll wake up Mom
and spoil everything.

I'm going with you
or I will wake Mom up.

You do, and you'll get it.

If I do, you'll get it.

Betty Jo... Dan?

Let her come... She
can be a bridesmaid.

Come on.

(crowing)

Billie Jo?

Billie Jo!

Billie J...

A ladder?!

Oh, my goodness!

KATE: Uncle Joe!

(knocking)

Wake up!

(knocking) Wake up!

What? What? What?

Oh... come in.

Uncle Joe, Billie Jo's eloped.

Well, that's no surprise.

But Betty Jo's gone, too.

Now, that is a surprise.

Well, get out of
bed and get dressed.

We got to stop that wedding.

Well, how can you do that?

Do you know where
they're getting married?

Sam Drucker's... where else?

Sam! Sam!

Open up, open up!

Come on, Uncle Joe.

Kate, what's the matter?

Did you marry
anybody this morning?

Well, who'd have me?

Sam, this is serious.

Billie Jo has run off with Dan.

She didn't even come to me?

Well, I'll never
forgive her for that.

Well, if they didn't come here,

where would they go?

Probably Will Quigley in Pixley.

Then will you call Will and
see if he's married them?

Oh, sure, come on in.

Oh, those foolish kids.

I just hope we're not too late.

Come on, Sarah, answer.

She's probably asleep
behind the switchboard.

That banana goes on your bill.

Look, I was invited in.

I'm a guest.

Look, Joe, if you
want to do something,

why don't you go
and get Selma Plout?

What for?

Because she should
know about this, too.

Hello, uh, Sarah, is that you?

Well, it don't sound like you.

Well, put them in.

Yeah... yeah, that's better.

Now you sound like you.

Oh.

Uh, uh, Sarah, uh,

could you get me
Will Quigley in Pixley?

Uh, area code?

No, I don't.

Do you know the
area code for Pixley?

No, we don't.

Uh, uh, Kate.

Yeah, I'll... I'll tell her.

Sarah says hello.

Sam, please.

Oh, uh, uh, Sarah,

this is kind of an emergency.

No, no, no, no, I don't
want the fire department.

This is official justice
of the peace business.

Well, you'll find out
when you listen in.

If we'd taken the handcar,

we could be talking to
Will in person by now.

Hello, Will?

Sam Drucker over at Hooterville.

Oh, fine.

What?

Oh, well, it gives me a
little twinge now and then,

but when the
weather's like this...

Oh, beautiful,
the temperature...

Sam, could you give him
the weather report later?

Oh, uh, Will, the reason I
called is on official business.

Uh, did you perform any
marriage ceremonies this morning?

Marriage ceremonies.

Marriage!

Sarah, close the key, will you?

You're pulling all the
juice out of the line.

Hello, yeah, can
you hear me now?

Uh, Will, listen.

Did you marry a fella

named Daniel Plout this morning?

Uh, thanks, Will.

Well, I, uh...

I guess congratulations
are in order.

(sobbing): Kate, is it true?

(Kate and Selma sobbing)

Kate, you want another
whack at these smelling salts?

No, thanks.

I'm fine.

(sobbing)

Kate, I don't know
what you're crying about.

Dan's a fine boy.

He and Billie will
be real happy.

It's all my fault.

I drove those kids
into running away.

If Selma and I made up sooner,

Billie Jo could have
been married formal,

here in the lobby.

I always dreamed of her
coming down those stairs

wearing her wedding gown.

(sobbing)

But, Kate, you still
got two other girls

that are eligible
for a lobby wedding.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Uncle Joe.

Betty Jo, where have you been?

(sighs) To a wedding.

Boy, am I starved.

Where's Billie Jo?

Coming up the path.

(humming "Here Comes the Bride")

Uncle Joe, do I...
do I look all right?

Hi, Mom, have you got a
room for a honeymoon couple?

My baby.

Congratulations, Dan.

Thank you.

My son.

Mom, Mom, uh,

there's something
you ought to know, uh...

we're not married.

What?!

Mrs. Bradley, may
I present my wife.

Emily Lawrence!

Emily Plout.

Mrs. Dan Plout.

Show them your ring, honey.

You... but-but-but I
thought you and Dan...

That's what you

and everyone else
were supposed to think.

I've been helping Dan plot
this elopement for weeks.

Didn't fool me for a minute.

You see, if my mother
had known I was going

to marry Emily, she
would have stopped it.

Emily's mother and mine
have been fighting for years.

Your mother fights
with everybody.

She is... Kate.

I made up with her.

Uh, can we sign
the register now?

Uncle Joe.

(sobbing)

Mom, what's the matter?

I just got used to the
idea of you being married,

and now you had to
go and... disappoint me.

(sobbing)

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

This has been a
Filmways Presentation.