Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 1, Episode 36 - Cave Woman - full transcript

The Shady Rest is
hoping to be selected

as the location for a
major upcoming convention.

But the fact that Kate is
unexpectedly indisposed

doesn't help the
preparation process.

Just where is Kate?

Well, the title of this
episode might fill you in.

As broadcast May 26, 1964,
it's called, "Cave Woman,"

and it's the first
of a two-part story.

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

♪ Forget about your cares ♪



♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

There it is, Kate.

Natural-born wine cellar.



Huh. Looks like a
natural-born cave to me.

That's only on the outside.

On the inside, it's a place

that any self-respecting
wine bottle

would be proud to call home.

Uncle Joe, if there's one thing
the Shady Rest doesn't need,

it's a wine cellar.

We got headaches
enough without w... Mom!

Mom! A telegram.

The Cannonball
just delivered it.

Oh, my goodness. A telegram.

My goodness.

Don't worry, Mom.

A telegram doesn't
always mean bad news.

Well, I know.

I'm, I'm not that old-fashioned.

Give me the bad news.

Mom.

Telegram, telegram.

It's Aunt Winnie.

She's gone!

That's what the
telegram's about.

Oh, why didn't she listen
to her doctor, the poor thing!

Yeah, that's what it is.

Ole Aunt Winnie's
up and left us.

Poor Aunt Winnie.

I begged her to stop nipping
on that elderberry wine.

Mom, Uncle Joe, what
are you talking about?

You haven't even
opened the telegram yet.

Yeah, when you do
it'll probably be collect.

Aunt Winnie was a
miserly old skinflint,

rest her dear, sweet soul.

Wait a minute, Uncle Joe.

I think we're barking
up the wrong telegram.

"Arriving on 4:00
train this afternoon

"to investigate
facilities of your hotel

"for convention of..."

"40 company salesmen."

Signed "Brooks T.
Webster, Vice President..."

What's that say? Groverdale.

"Groverdale Lumber, Gravel
and Soft Drink Company."

They do the biggest gravel
and soft drink business

in these parts!

40 guests. Wow!

We could sure use the
money they'd bring in.

Use it? We could kiss it.

Betty Jo, you
run up to the hotel

and start getting
room number 12 ready

for Mr. Webster, y'hear?

Yes... Oh! And tell your
sisters to start dusting the lobby.

You hear it, Kate?

It was just knocking.

Knocking? What was knocking?

I didn't hear anything.

Opportunity.

I don't see how
you could miss it.

Don't you see, Kate,

a big business
tycoon like Mr. Webster

would be plenty impressed
if I was a wine steward

serving vintage
redeye with every meal.

Red vintage redeye
with meat, of course,

and white vintage redeye
with chicken, of course.

Yeah, of course,
course, course, course.

Ooh... we can't dig
a cellar, Uncle Joe.

We don't have the time
and we have less money.

Boy, have we got less money.

No time nor money
ain't needed, Kate.

That cave's practically
ready now to move in

them high-class
sherries and muscatels.

Here... you can go in
and see for yourself.

Oh, all right, Uncle Joe.

You are stubborn, aren't you?

I prefer to think of myself
as strong-minded, but...

Hey, Kate!

I just found an old
horse shoe I lost

when I was pitching
them up here last summer.

That means we're gonna
have nothing but good luck.

Now, what in tarnation
could've caused that?

Kate!

Kate! Kate!

Kate!

Kate! Are you all right?!

Yeah, Uncle Joe, I'm all right!

Well, thank heavens!

Thank heavens you're not hurt!

Sure, but I hope you won't mind

if I recommend you
stop just standing there

and start g... getting me out!

Kate! Kate, you're
safe, ain't you?

Safe, yes, comfortable, no.

So get moving, please.

Yeah, right! Well,
now, don't panic, Kate.

Kate, I-I'll get you help.

I'll bring a whole
gang of people.

I'll bring the state militia.

I'll bring tanks.

I'll bring an elephant.

I'll br... I'll bring help!

Look, Kate, don't panic now.

All right, Uncle Joe,
I'll be nice and calm...

Just like you.

Thatta girl! Thatta girl, Kate!

Now you're talking.

Girls! Girls!

Now, don't get
excited. Don't panic.

Your mother is buried alive.

She's what?!

Uncle Joe, what are
you talking about?

Yeah, your, your, your, n-now,
I begged you not to panic.

Now, we're not panicking.

Just tell us what happened.

Well, your mother's not hurt...
Now, now, don't go worrying,

but she's, she's trapped
in her new wine cellar.

Now, the first thing to do

after you settle and
collect yourselves,

is to, let's... no,
that won't work.

I got it!

Girls!

Girls! Wait for me!

You need somebody in
charge that's got a cool head.

Uncle Joe, Betty and Bobbie
went on down to the cave.

Now, you go ahead with
them and I'll, I'll watch the desk.

Right... you watch the
desk, I'll go to the cave.

And don't get excited.

Mom!

Mom, can you hear me?!

Mom! Talk to us, please!

Over here, girls!

Look over here. I found a hole.

Oh. Oh, there you are.

Mom! Are you okay?

Yeah. Where's the rest of you?

Well, this is as wide
as it is, and the edges

are all solid rock.

You see? Nobody listens to me.

I told you there was
nothing to panic about.

Uncle Joe, could you come
a little closer to me, please?

Would you like to
tell me something?

No, I'd like to bite you.

Oh, Mom, what are we gonna do?

We can't budge that boulder.

We can't get enough men
around these parts to budge it.

I'll have to go and
get Ding Woodhouse

and his heavy-duty tractor.

I'll hike over
Bleeker's Hill here

and catch a ride
on the county road.

Hurry up, Uncle Joe, please.

I gotta get outta here quick.

I've got a thousand things to
do before Mr. Webster gets here.

I'll fly like the wind, Kate.

Oh, Kate... I hope
this little incident

doesn't turn us against
us having a wine cellar.

Go!

Oh, Uncle Joe. Hurry!

Ding, you mean you
and this tractor of yours

is gonna let poor Kate
stay in that cave all night?

Sorry, Joe. Can't be helped.

Ole Bess here needs
work on her insides.

She ain't as young as
she used to be, you know.

Well, neither is Kate, and
she's getting older every minute.

♪ Oh, my darling,
oh, my darling ♪

♪ Oh, my darling Clementine ♪

♪ You are lost
and gone forever ♪

♪ Dreadful sorry, Clementine. ♪

Th-Thank you, girls,

for trying to cheer me up.

You don't know it, but
down here I'm applauding.

Let's give Mom another chorus
of "My Darling Clementine."

No, uh... thank you, girls.

But I think if I hear,
once more, that part

about "in a cavern in a
canyon excavating for a mine"

I might scream a little.

Would you like some
more coffee, Mom?

No, thank you, dear.

The only thing I'd like
is the sight of Uncle Joe

followed by Ding
Woodhouse and his tractor.

Why don't you girls go on up

and see if you can
see anything, huh?

Good idea, Mom. Excuse us, Mom.

Nobody yet.

No sign of man nor tractor.

Uncle Joe's been
gone over four hours.

Mom's sure acting
awful brave about it,

but underneath, I
think she's scared.

Uh-uh. Not Mom.

Oh? Look, if you
were stuck in a cave

and you had to depend
on Uncle Joe to save you,

how do you think you'd feel?

Scared. Scared.

Well, I'm gonna go down and see

if I can't help cheer
Mom up a little bit.

Say, Mom. Suppose I
recite "The Raven" for you?

No. No, thank you, dear.

I, I don't know. For
some strange reason

I'm just not in the mood for
Edgar Allen Poe right now.

Say, I'll got get Bobbie Jo.

You love her singing.

Uh, no... somebody
has to watch the desk.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, how about a game of Hearts.

Yeah, that's a good thought,
dear, but what happens

when it's my turn to deal?

Oh, yeah.

I tell you what. I'll
have some more coffee.

Okay.

Say when, Mom.

Feels like enough.

Sugar?

Level teaspoon, please.

All right.

Cream?

Just a splash.

Okay.

Uh. Sounded like too much.

Oh, no, Mom, it was just right.

Okay. Lower away.

Ugh!

What's wrong,
Mom? Is it too hot?

No! Too sweet.

Oh, Uncle Joe, I'm
so glad you're here.

We were waiting so long.

How are you, Kate?
Everything all right?

How are you?

Uncle Joe, where have you been?

Mom's been in the
cave for four hours.

Girls, girls, quiet.
Simmer down.

Golly, y-you can't
hear with all that noise.

Hear what, Mom?

The sound of that dandy tractor

as that dandy Ding
Woodhouse drives it over the hill.

Now shh!

I'm worried. Why?

Uncle Joe isn't listening.

Well, don't worry
about the tractor, Kate.

It'll be here.

Oh. Sure. I should
have realized.

You know, a big, heavy
tractor... It takes a little time

for it to get over the hill.

What do you figure, Uncle
Joe? About five minutes?

I'd give it more time than that.

Ten.

Fifteen?

Half an hour?

An hour?

Well, Uncle Joe,
at least tell me

if I'm in the right
neighborhood.

You ain't even in
the right county.

Uncle Joe, what's wrong?

Where is the tractor?

It's in Ding's barn in a
couple of hundred pieces.

Ding promised
he'd work all night

to get it back together
and have it over here

the first thing in the morning.

Oh, no! Poor Mom.

You can't spend
the night in this cave.

Oh, girls, don't,
don't get all riled up.

Just, just get me a
pillow and a blanket

and I'll be fine.

This is a real cheerful cave...

a-a-as caves go.

Oh, there's the Cannonball.

And Mr. Webster's on it.

Oh, what are we gonna do?

Yeah, well, don't worry.

I'll think up something to
get us out of this spot we're in.

W-Well, come on, Kate.

Don't just stand
there with your head

sticking out of that silly hole.

Help me think up something.

How do you do, sir?

Welcome to Shady Rest.

Yes, indeed.

My name is Brooks T. Webster.

Yeah, Carson's my name,
better known as your host.

And I presume you
received my wire.

Yes, and a beautifully
written wire it was, too.

The convention facilities
here, are they ship-shape?

Oh, we're famous for
our ship-shape facilities.

How about the meals?

Oh, Bobbie! Is Number 12 ready?

Yes, Uncle Joe.

Now, you'll be in
room number 12.

That's just up the stairs

and down the hallway
there to your right.

Wait a minute... I asked you
a question about the meals.

I'd rather answer you about
the rooms... now, the rooms...

What time, what
time is dinner served?

Tomorrow morning.

You gotta be joking.

No, we finished serving
the last meal of the day

just before you arrived.

Pity you missed it.

That's ridiculous.
It's only 5:00.

Ain't you ever heard of
daylight savings time?

Now this room...
Mr. Carson, I am very hungry

and I insist on
being fed tonight.

Want a friendly tip, friend?

Why don't you do
like modern thinking,

weight-watching people all
over the country are doing.

Once a week, skip a late meal.

Great for your figure.

I want my supper.

You're getting
a little spare tire

around the middle,
ain't ya, chubby?

For your information,
sir, I am the exact weight

and proportion that
I was at Princeton.

That's because I play
squash three days a week.

Hey, with all that exercise,
you must be pooped.

Why don't you go upstairs

and sleep straight
through till breakfast.

Uncle Joe, please.

If you're hungry,
Mr. Webster, you'll eat.

And now my uncle will
show you to your room.

It's right this way, sir.

Oh, say, I have a great idea.

Why don't I take you on our
special four-hour sightseeing tour.

We could show
you all... Forget it.

All I want to do is clean
up, change and eat.

He looks like he's getting
ready to eat for a family of five.

I know, and if he
tastes our cooking,

we never will land
that convention.

We've got to stall
him until 9:00.

Then we can tell him
the kitchen's closed

and he won't suspect
anything's wrong.

Stall him till 9:00? How?

You, that's how.

Betty Jo!

Are you suggesting
that I turn on the charm

and sex appeal to keep
Mr. Webster's mind off food?

I am.

Why, that's low and underhanded
and downright sneaky.

You're right, it is.

I'll do it.

And I think the work you
do is simply fascinating.

Oh, it is, it is.

As a matter of fact,

I think everything about
you is utterly fascinating.

Well, you know, we've known
one another only a short time,

yet I feel as
though we're close.

Quite close, Billie Jo.

Uh, I hope you don't mind
me calling you Billie Jo.

Oh, no, not at all.

As long as I may
call you... Brooks.

Brooks... my, what an
utterly fascinating name.

Thank you, Billie Jo.

Do you mind if I
move a little closer?

Well, if you want to,
I guess it's all right.

I... hope you won't think
I'm being too presumptuous.

Oh, no, not at all.

Go ahead.

Well, we'd better
be quiet about this.

I'd hate to upset the
rest of your family.

Don't worry about them.

Now what is it, Brooks?

Well, it seems to upset
everyone around here

every time I mention it, but...

Yes, Brooks? Yes? Yes?

What I'm trying to say is...

I'm starved. When do we eat?

Mr. Webster!

You are unbelievable!

You couldn't take
his mind off food?

You're kidding.

But, Billie Jo, when
you put your mind to it,

you can keep a boy in a
daze till the cows come home.

I know, but I'm afraid tonight

those cows finally came home.

Oh, we better give
up on this Mr. Webster.

Take my word for it... we're not
dealing with a real human being.

We can't give up now.

I still say there's
a way of serving

one of your mother's
mouth-watering,

convention-grabbing suppers.

But that's
impossible, Uncle Joe.

Mr. Webster is
way over at the hotel

and Mom's stuck way out here.

Well, we're sunk.

Not as long as you got
Frogman Joe Carson

to pull you back to the surface.

Now listen to me...

I got a great idea
starting in my head.

I got a sinking feeling
starting in my stomach.

Relax, Kate, this can't miss.

Now, girls, I want you to
go back down to the kitchen

and bring up all the
doodads your mother needs

to make one of her
scrumptious suppers.

Dinner is served, sir.

It's about time. I've
been waiting half an hour.

I'm sure you'll find our
food well worth the wait, sir.

Now the first course
is a delicious appetizer.

It's a Kate Bradley special.

Them delicious fruit cocktails

is assembled from some
of the finest imported fruits.

All the way from
the county seat.

How are you enjoying it?

It was delicious.

That's what I like, a man who
don't waste no time chewing.

What's next?

Kate Bradley's
fresh-picked, slow-brewed,

homegrown vegetable soup.

Could we skip the
commercial, Mr. Carson,

and get right to the soup?

I like my soup just one way

and that's piping hot.

As you command, sir.

One bowl of soup coming up...

and watch it sizzle.

Oh, no, that's the
signal for the soup,

but it isn't ready yet.

You're right. It needs
a little more simmering.

But... hand me the pepper.

I'll hit it with some and
maybe he won't notice.

Now, get moving.

I've been preparing meals
at this hotel for 20 years.

This is the first time I ever
did it by remote control.

Oh, what a trip.

Serve now, complain later.

Mm, that smells great.

Wait till you taste it.

Then you'll be served the
dish that's been the favorite

of convention after
convention that's been held here

at the Shady Rest... value
headquarters of Watkin's County.

I'm speaking of course,

of Kate Bradley's famous
chicken and dumplings.

Fine, let's have it.

What slowed you up?

Bring on those
chicken and dumplings.

Chicken and dumplings
coming right up, sir.

I hope.

Oh, no, Mr. Webster's
finished with the soup

and he's' ready for the
chicken and dumplings.

He can't be alone.

He must be feeing a Great
Dane dog under the table.

The chicken and
dumplings aren't hot.

They will be after you
hit 'em with some pepper.

Loads of it.

Good girl.

Tilt it.

Here you are, Mr. Webster.

But be careful about
gulping this down.

It's got bones in it.

Well, it was a
tough game, coach.

I sure hope we won it.

Oh, we won, don't worry.

I peeked through the door

when Mr. Webster was
having his dessert and coffee.

Even his stomach was smiling.

We've got that
convention wrapped up.

I got to hand it to you girls.

I never thought we'd...

That sounds like Uncle
Joe whistling pitifully

from the kitchen door.

Well, that can mean
only one thing...

Mr. Webster wants more dessert.

Quick the butterscotch pudding!

This is a job for Supergirl!

Hi-yo, Silver.

That child never did get her
comic strip characters straight.

Oh, Mr. Carson.

Oh, sorry, Mr. Webster,

we don't allow
guests in the kitchen.

Cook's nervous, you know.

Can't stand crowds.

I merely want to compliment
the cook on a marvelous meal.

Oh, well, I'll tell her
when she gets back.

She just stepped out.

Way out.

Mind if I thank her in person?

I'll wait.

Oh, no, no, no.

She's a natural born hermit.

One look at a strange
face and she'd quit.

I just want to say thanks.

What was that?

What...?

I saw something.

It was like a flash.

Oh, probably an
electrical storm.

We have lots of them
around here this time of year.

Maybe you'd better get
back to the dining room.

It's safer in there.

There's my dessert.

How'd it get here?

It's more house policy.

Your wish is our command.

You know, I think
this is the finest food

and service I've ever had.

It's almost like magic.

Yeah... yeah, in a manner of
speaking, you could say that.

Go on...

Go on, go on... go
on, go on, go on.

Hold it, hold it,
hold it right there.

Oh, Kate. Oh, Mom!

Are you all right?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

But I wouldn't recommend
sleeping in a cave to anyone.

Not even a shy bat.

Oh, and Ding...

Ding, if ever I get
enough money saved up

to make out a will,

you and that tractor
are going to be in it.

Morning, everybody.

I looked all around
after I got up,

and I didn't find a... thing.

What's going on here?

Uh, uh... we-we-we're
sprucing up the entrance

to our new wine cellar.

So folks can get
in and out easier.

I'm Kate Bradley,
owner of the Shady Rest.

Oh, then you're the
one I want to thank

for a most enjoyable visit.

Fine. Now about
reserving the hotel

for your company's convention...

Oh, well, I'm sorry, but
I'm just the advance man.

The decision about
the convention

is completely up to Mr. Feasal.

Feasal?

He's the president
of the company.

He'll be here first
thing in the morning.

But you can put in
a good word for us,

can't you, Mr. Webster.

It won't do a bit of good.

Mr. Feasal makes all
of his own decisions.

He never listens to anyone.

You're joshing.

You mean now we've
got to start all over

and show him how
great this place is?

You don't have a
thing to worry about.

When he gets here, just...

just handle the whole thing
the same way you did with me.

You know, sweet,
simple and no fuss

and everything will be fine.

Well, so long, folks.

Good-bye, Mr. Webster.

So long. Bye.

Oh, now stop scraping
your chins on the ground.

We'll win over Mr. Feasal

and we will land
that convention.

Sure we will, Mom.

Only next time,
it's got to be easier.

Right. With you running
things out in the open

instead of on the
inside of a cave,

that Mr. Feasal
is a sitting duck.

Sure. Come on, let's get on up.

This-a-way, Kate, it's safer.

Oh, no... the last
time I took your advice,

I wound up regretting it.

I'm going this way.

Ow!

Mom, are you all right?

Oh, I think I hurt my ankle.

Oh, no.

Oh, how about that.

The first time in
Uncle Joe's whole life

that he gives me
some good advice,

I don't take it.

You should realize, Kate,

that sooner or later
I'm bound to guess right.

But cheer up, girls.

Let's look at the bright side.

Uncle Joe, there
is no bright side.

Sure there is.

When your ma serves that Feasal

one of her famous
home-cooked meals,

it'll be a shorter
distance to carry the food

from the bedroom than
it was from the cave.

Yeah, that's the
bright side, all right.

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

This has been a
Filmways Presentation.