Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 1, Episode 37 - Kate Flat on Her Back - full transcript

After Kate's ordeal of being caught in a cave-in, she has a badly sprained ankle. A business executive is still considering the Shady Rest for a business convention. Can Kate close the deal?

In the second half
of our two-part story,

Uncle Joe and the
Bradley family members

are still hoping that
they'll be able to host

a big convention
at the Shady Rest.

Kate's still not able to
be of much help, however,

since her sprained ankle
has had her off her feet,

or as the title says:
"Kate, Flat on Her Back."

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪



♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

Can you walk?

The sooner I get
up there, the better.

I'll have you up
there in no time.



Easy now. Here's the stairs.

Easy now. Watch that first step.

Oh. Careful.

Stair. Okay.

There you go.

Right this way, Dr. Rhone.

Mom's upstairs in her room.

Oh, hi, Doc.

In my opinion, Kate
suffered a minor twist

in the lower left extremity.

Technically, the ankle.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Take over, Doc.
You're on your own.

Well, Kate...

it isn't a break, but it
is a real bad sprain.

You're gonna have
to be right in that bed

for the next three or four days.

But, Doc, that's impossible
with all the things I got to do.

Especially with Mr. Feasel
coming about that convention.

Why, I can't afford to be out of
commission three or four days.

Not even one day.

Kate, we'll be here
to look after things.

Not even ten minutes.

That's not fair, Mom.

We can run the hotel
just fine without you.

You will run it into bankruptcy.

Doc, don't just stand
there... cure me.

I'm sorry, Kate, but the
only cure for that foot

is complete rest.

Or, the same thing
could happen to you

that happened to
that ornery female

over at Ned Crocker's.

Yeah, she got back on her feet
too soon after a sprained ankle.

She'll never wear a
shoe on that foot again.

You hear that, Mom?

Poor Mrs. Crocker.

Oh, not Ned's wife; his mule.

Look, Doc.

Oh, Mrs. Crocker's
trouble is gall bladder.

Her feet are in pretty good
shape though, considering.

Doc, I may not have as many feet

as some of your patients,

but I gotta get on
mine right away

or the Shady Rest Hotel is
gonna be in nothing but trouble.

Well, I'm sorry, Kate,

but you are stuck
right there in that bed.

Mom, give us a chance.

We won't let you
down... I promise.

Scout's honor.

All right. I have no choice.

I leave the running of
the hotel in your hands.

Just don't squeeze
the stuffing out of it.

Oh, you won't have to
worry about a thing, Mom.

Oh, Kate... I'm
real proud of you.

I'm glad to see you aren't
as stubborn as my last patient.

Thanks, Doc.

Your last patient
with a sprained ankle

was Ned Crocker's mule.

No, my last patient
was Ned Crocker.

That's the way the mule
sprained her ankle... kicking Ned.

Oh... All right, everyone.

Come on, come on,
all of you gotta get out.

I want to bandage
that ankle... come on.

Mom, don't worry about a thing.

When Mr. Feasel gets
here, we'll bowl him over.

Oh, that's nice
going, Billie Jo.

That should make
your mother feel better.

I'll take care of the
whole shebang, Kate.

Watch it, Joe. Watch it.

You want her to have a relapse?

All right now, get
out. Go on. All of you.

Don't worry.

Poor Ma... isn't there
something else we can do for her?

You bet there is... just live up
to half the promises we made

about making
money for the hotel.

There's no problem; I
been doing it for years.

Making money for the hotel?

No, living up to half the
promises I made about it.

From now on, girls, this hotel
is gonna live dangerously.

What do you mean?

Oh, we'll put in cleaning
and valet service.

Paint the rooms all
them fancy colors,

and bring in some
classy entertainment,

like I've always wanted.

And that's just the beginning.

Mom won't like it.

Girls...

You're mother is a fine
little well-meaning woman

and I hate to put it this way,

but let's be honest.

What happened to your
mother's foot was a sprain,

but to the Shady Rest Hotel,
it could be a shot in the arm.

Billie Jo, I don't know
about this color scheme.

Lavender and magenta?

Uncle Joe says if it's good
enough for the Hilton Istanbul,

it's good enough for us.

Uncle Joe just got
off the Cannonball.

Good.

And he's got a
cute-looking fellow with him.

Even better.

Hey, he's a doll.

I wonder who he is!

He's not from around here.

How can you tell?

Betty Jo, can you imagine
a dream of a fellow like that

in a radius of 500
miles that I haven't met?

You're right. He's
not from around here.

♪ ...Old Smoky, all
covered with snow... ♪

Howdy, ladies.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I'm Elgin Harner.

Known as the Smoky
Mountain Songbird,

and I'm mighty
pleased to meet y'all.

Entertainer! Oh, how exciting!

How 'bout that.

Entertainer, huh?

Where was he entertaining?
The Hooterville pool hall?

Well, as a matter of fact,
it was a bowling alley.

That's because you're between
engagements, right, Smokey?

That's right, Mr. Joe.

I was just warming up for
my appearance next month

at the beautiful new
Green Dragon Club

in Chicken Run, Tennessee.

Uncle Joe, are you planning
to tell Mom about this?

Well, as a matter
of fact, I, uh...

Well, I, uh... No?

I'll admit that's close.

But this is Mom's hotel,
and she oughta be the one...

Now, child,

to this hotel I'm gonna
be an absolute necessity.

Aw, come on.

You show me a hotel
with a singing guitar player,

and I'll show you a hotel

that's fighting off conventions

with a baseball bat.

No kidding?

Well, for true, my
little black-eyed Susan.

Good food and surroundings

ain't nothing for them
convention fellers.

They got to have entertainment.

And it's up to the hotel they's
staying at to give it to 'em.

Well, that makes
some sense, I guess.

Well, thank you, ma'am, for
your enthusiastic welcome.

I'll accept the job.

Huh?

Well, I gotta have $50 a week,

a private suite and
meals served in my room.

We'll give you $10 a
week, a room in the back

and you'll eat in the kitchen.

I'll take it.

Wonderful. Congratulations.

Thank you.

Now, let's get back to work.

Mr. Feasel will be
here in about 48 hours.

And when he gets here,

I want him to find
this hotel a paradise.

Uncle Joe...

Next time you get an
idea like redecorating

this whole lobby in
one day, do me a favor.

What? Drop it.

Drat it, Kate, what did
you have to go and be

so darn clumsy and get
us into all this mess for?

Yeah, Mom. Why?

The doctor says she'll
have to stay in bed

for at least another three days.

Then there's only
one thing to do.

What? Get a new doctor.

Is the hotel really
in such bad shape?

I mean, we've only been
running it since yesterday.

How long could it take
to get it back to normal?

Well, I figure, if we
work both day and night,

including Sundays,
about a month.

We gotta figure
out something to do

before that miserable
old crank Feasel gets here.

Have you got a room
for a miserable old crank?

The name is Hurley Feasel.

Oh, Mr. Feasel.

Welcome to the Shady Rest Hotel.

Say, w-what a coincidence.
We were discussing another

miserable old
crank named Feasel.

I mean, another Mr. Feasel.

He-he's a pig breeder
over in Hooterville.

You know him?

No, and neither do you.

Gee, Mr. Feasel, we didn't
expect you until tomorrow, sir.

Yes, I know.

I always show up
before I'm expected.

Catches people off-guard.

It's what I call a sharp
business maneuver.

It's what I call a sneaky trick.

Billie Jo! Shh!

No, she's right.

It is a low, sneaky trick.

Ah, keep your eye on that child.

She shows promise.

Now, uh, let me have
the key to my room.

I want to clean up
a bit before I check

every last inch of this place

for my company's,
uh, uh, convention,

And what I've seen so
far is extremely tacky.

Oh, we aim to please.

Uh, room three, Mr. Feasel.

Our very best.

Oh, no, not that one.

That's the one I painted
purple and chartreuse.

It turned out kind of sickly.

Room... No.

Not five either.

I aired it out last night and
forgot to close the window.

I don't think Mr. Feasel would
like an owl for a roommate.

Well, well, what's going on?

What room do I get?

Uh... Nine?

Room nine, Mr. Feasel,

the only one we haven't had
a chance to wreck... uh, ruin.

You'll love it.

The only thing
I'll love right now

is a nice, relaxing bath.

You'll love our bathtub.

It's a corker.

It better be.

At least we got through that.

I'm sure glad he didn't
say he wanted a hot bath.

Did I tell you the funny thing
that happened this morning

while I fixed my
hot water heater?

We need the money
that convention'll bring in,

Uncle Joe, and
I'm counting on you.

Whatever Mr. Feasel
wants, see that he gets it.

Oh...!

He just got it.

That sounded like
Mr. Feasel screaming.

Screaming with delight.

I've never seen a man that
enjoyed his bath so much.

♪ On top of Old Smoky ♪

♪ All covered with... ♪

What was that?

Smokey Harner, Smoky
Mountain Songbird.

An entertainer?

Oh, but you show me a hotel
with snappy entertainment,

and I'll show you a hotel
that's fighting off conventions

with a baseball bat.

You know something?

You're right. Makes sense.

I gotta hand it to you all.

You're a lot smarter than
your punkin-headed old mother.

Huh. Well, uh, we
better go now, Mom.

Of all the baths
I've ever taken,

that was, without question...

Goodness, I never heard
anybody get so much out of a bath

as Mr. Feasel.

Oh, it's for Mr. Feasel.

I figured after
his ice cold bath,

he'd be in the mood
for some piping hot tea.

Yeah, poor fella.

From top to toe, absolutely
the bluest man I ever saw.

By the way, where is
the old human icicle?

Betty Jo is out in back
showing him our picnic area.

It might be a good place
to hold the meetings,

if we get the convention.

And, boy, have I got
my fingers crossed.

Aw, relax, honey, it's a cinch.

I'll admit we got started on
the wrong foot to begin with,

but with you girls charming him,

me out-braining him,
and our secret weapon,

the Smoky Mountain
Songbird entertaining him,

he's a setting duck.

Duck? Did I hear
somebody say duck?

Oh, the way I like
mine is roasted,

with plenty of yams and grits.

Now, listen, Smokey...

Well, now! This'll tide me
over till the duck's ready.

Get away from that.

We hired you to
entertain Mr. Feasel,

and so far all
you've done is eat.

Yeah, you've been here
one night and 11 meals.

Well, I'm just trying
to build up my strength

for my big performance.

Here, now, how 'bout
one of them cookies?

Well, the only thing I had
since breakfast is lunch.

No! Not until
you've worked for it.

You can start right now,
'cause Mr. Feasel's coming.

Right now?

Right. It better be good

to make up for all your eating.

Well, now, I'd dearly
love to do it; I would.

Uh, but, uh, see, uh,

well, I got this sudden
pain in my plinkin' hand.

Also my plunkin' hand.

Ooh-ee, it smarts.

They didn't hurt when you
reached for the cookies.

Oh, man, now, maybe that's
how, who I damaged them.

Best I go upstairs and soak 'em.

Smokey, just forget the
plunking and plinking and sing.

Oh, I can't do it, Mr. Joe.

A injured hand always
clobbers my voice.

Ooh-ee. Ooh!

Uh, Mr. Feasel, how did
you like the lovely grounds

of the lovely Shady Rest Hotel?

Lovely, eh?

Oh, lovely.

Lovely freezing water, lovely
confusion at the front desk...

In fact, Mr. Carson,
everything around here

is so lovely that nothing
could possibly make it worse.

Here, Mr. Feasel,
have some cookies.

We made 'em ourselves.

And they're typical of
the fine food that you get

here at the Shady Rest.

Oh!

All right, so I was wrong!

There is something
that could make it worse,

and I just bit it!

Well, our star boarder is
finally tucked away for the night,

fresh laundry and all.

Fresh laundry?

Sure, right after
he almost choked

on that overcooked
disaster known as dinner,

he asked if the laundry
and valet service

would wash and iron some of
his clothes for him in a hurry.

They got all wrinkled in his
suitcase on the trip down here.

You did it quick, didn't you?

I promised him half-hour service
with no extra charge for starch.

You bet I did it quick.

His clothes were back in
his room in exactly 29 minutes

with plenty of starch

that we won't be
able to charge him for.

I'm happy to report that's
the last I've heard from him.

Until now.

Oh, no, he's not back
in that bathtub again.

Mr. Feasel!

Mr. Feasel, what's wrong?

Miss Bradley, about
the three tons of starch

you put in my laundry...

Oh, there's no extra charge.

Policy of the house.

Oh, goody.

And another thing...
There's more?

Oodles more.

If there's one thing I
can't stand as a roommate,

it's an owl.

Darn it. He changed rooms.

What?!

There's no extra charge.
Policy of the house.

Goody gumdrop.

And I trust there will
be no extra charge

for my early checkout
in the morning,

before dawn, if possible?

And without breakfast.

You're leaving, Mr. Feasel?

Before they carry me out.

Are you sure this place
isn't the local branch

of Devil's Island?

Oh, hi, folks.

Had to make a call
over at Ned Crocker's.

His mule's better, but his
wife's got the miseries now.

Thought I'd walk over
and look in on Kate.

Oh, Dr. Rhone, you've
gotta get Mom back in shape!

Doc, what's new in the
world of miracle cures?

If Mom fixed him one of her
special breakfasts in the morning,

maybe she could get
Mr. Feasel to still change his mind.

I have no idea what
you're all blabbing about.

But I can tell you one thing.

I am not gonna let my
patient back on her feet

until she is completely cured.

I told you there is no
shortcut, you know.

She's practically
perfect by now, Doc.

This morning, her groaning
sounded much healthier.

Well, I'll take a look at her.

You know, Kate, I
just can't figure this...

Unless it's plain
grit or orneriness...

But did you know that
ankle is 100% cured?

And it's at least two days
quicker than I expected.

You mean that I
can get out of bed?

Well, sure. Right
now, if you want to.

Oh, boy, do I want to! Easy now.

Doc, you want to dance?

Well, I... No, no.

You probably know only
those old-fashioned steps.

I wanna do some of the new ones

like the Cha-Cha-Cha, or
maybe the Big Apple, huh?

I tell you, Kate, that
family of yours down there

is gonna be awful glad when I tell
'em you're back on your feet again.

Oh, they sure will, but...

Doc, no, Doc, don't tell 'em.

Hmm? No, no, not right now.

Not for a few days.

Don't tell them?

What are you doing, Kate,

trying to make them
suffer or something?

No, no, just the opposite.

I-I, uh, I-I just want
them to, to feel better.

You see, this is the
first time in their lives

that they have ever
done anything on their own

without me standing behind them

telling them what to do.

Yeah, you are the bossy
type, all right... I'll admit that.

Well, I figured you would.

But, you know, at first,

I didn't think they could
get along without me.

But look at the way the hotel
is running, smooth as silk.

Now, I just want them
to enjoy their victory

for a little longer.

Well, Kate...

Now, now, you are
not to say one word

about my foot being cured.

I'm gonna stay here for
another two or three days

and let them enjoy themselves.

And I'm gonna enjoy myself, too.

I got a whole pile of Billie
Jo's movie magazines

that I haven't even touched.

All right, Kate, all right.

Well, uh, good night, everyone.

Good night, Doctor. Good night.

Thanks, Doc.

I guess.

Three more days in bed.

That's positively inhuman.

Uncle Joe, the only
thing that really counts

is Mom's health.

And we'll just have to solve our
problems without her, all right?

All right.

You know anything
about hari-kari?

Oh, Joe... Just a
passing thought.

Well, we're not
going to give up yet.

We're going to
take one last stab

at making Mr. Feasel
change his mind.

And I know exactly the
weapon we're going to use.

A heavy blunt instrument?

Smokey Harner.

You mean, he's gonna
hit old Feasel over the head

with a heavy blunt instrument?

No, he's going to
sing to Mr. Feasel.

Oh, gee, Billie
Jo, I don't know.

Why not? It's worth a try.

They say that music
soothes the savage beast.

That's true.

And old Feasel's
about a savage a beast

as you're likely to find.

Come on, Smokey.

I just can't, Miss Betty Jo.

You got to understand,
I'm a serious artist.

I ain't accustomed to
singing afore eating breakfast.

You'll sing before breakfast

or you'll be empty after lunch.

Honey, look, I
dearly love to sing.

Night or day, what's
the difference?

Shh! Smokey, are you ready?

Mr. Feasel's about to
come down the stairs.

Well, just a minute.

I'll... I'll see.

Mi, mi... He's ready.
Sing, songbird.

Mi-mi-mi, mi...

♪ On top of Old Smokey,
all covered with snow ♪

♪ I lost my true lover
from a-courtin' too slow ♪

Stop it!

♪ On top of Old... ♪
Stop it, I tell you!

But Mr. Weasel, sir!

The name is Fister Feasel, sir.

I mean, Fister Measel.

The name is Mr. Weasel
and stop playing that song!

But, but I...

There are a lot of songs I hate,

but that is the
one I hate the best!

Quick, Smokey,
sing something else.

Well, I can't.

That's the only song
I got in my repertoire.

No. Yes.

But I thought you were
gonna sing in a club

in Chicken Run, Tennessee.

Well, Chicken Run's
a very small town.

This hotel is the daffiest
place I have ever run across.

And I've done some
mighty daffy runnin' acrossin'.

Good-bye.

Well...

Oh, now, now, look, ladies,

I can explain
everything; honest, I can.

♪ On top of Old Smoke... ♪

Mom's bound to find out
about this sooner or later.

Later's the best.

By that time, she'll be
as strong as an ox again

and the shock
won't hit her so hard.

That makes sense.

Naturally.

It's the right idea, ain't it?

Some idea.

Mom's not gonna be as
strong as an ox by tonight,

and that's when you told her

Mr. Feasel would be
back with the convention.

That's true.

I said my idea was
right, not perfect.

Poor Mom.

She's doomed.

The shock's liable to
keep her in bed for weeks.

Wait a minute... There
is a way to keep her

from finding out the
truth for a couple of days

until she gets
her strength back.

Now listen carefully.

Here's the idea...

Mom's stuck up in bed alone,
and what we have to do...

Then Jeffrey drew
her closely to him

and whispered
hoarsely in her ear...

Wait a minute.

Do you hear something?

Is that all he can think
of at a time like that

to whisper hoarsely in her ear?

No, Mom, what I
meant was I thought

I heard something downstairs.

Maybe it's those
madcap conventioneers.

You know, this is about the
time they should be arriving.

Oh, I sure hope so.

You know, I won't be at
rest until they get here.

You'd be amazed at the
things that could happen...

It's them! They're here!

Oh, and it sounds like
they're having a great time

for themselves, if you ask me.

Wow, there must
be 40 of 'em, Mom!

"Oh, wow" is right.

Quite a racket, huh, Mom?

Well, it may sound like
a racket to you, Billie Jo,

but to me it sounds
like money in the bank.

I'd better go down and make sure

all those wonderful
generous conventioneers

are taken care of.

Yeah, why don't you kiss

a couple of the
nicer-looking ones for me...

in a very ladylike
way, of course.

Of course.

She fell for it, huh?

Like a ton of hotel owners.

Billie Jo, you're a genius!

Well, I wouldn't say
that, but I'm glad you did.

Now then, in a few minutes,

we'll quiet down and I'll
go upstairs and I'll tell Mom

the conventioneers are outside

having their meeting
about business...

If there's anything
I love, it's a party.

Well, hello, folks.

Mr. Feasel!

We thought we'd
never see you again.

Mr. Feasel, I'm Kate Bradley.

How do you do?

Won't you sit down? Thank you.

Betty Jo, get a plate
and napkins, some silver.

Now, I decided

to hold the convention
here after all.

But I thought you
hated this hotel.

I do.

But, you see, the 40 men
who will be coming here

for the convention are
trainees... young, new salesmen

who will be going out on
the road for my company.

Yeah, but what does
that got to do with...?

Well, I figure the
best thing to do

is give them a couple
days of this hotel.

After that, they'll be
able to stand anything.

Wait'll they taste this food.

Why, it's, uh... uh... uh...

Good heavens, it's delicious.

Why, it's marvelous.

Why, it's the best chicken
and dumplings I ever tasted.

Well, thank you.

What happened?

Oh, this is terrible!

You've ruined everything!

Oh!

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

This has been a
Filmways presentation.