Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 1, Episode 14 - Cannonball Christmas - full transcript

(train whistle blows twice)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪



(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows twice)

("Jingle Bells" playing)

Billie?

(clears throat) Billie Jo,

would you step
out here a minute?

What do you want, Herby?



Look up there,
Billie, it's mistletoe.

(laughing)

KATE: Billie Jo, I need you.

All right, Herby,
what'd you do this time?

I got kissed.

Well, it sure was a noisy one.

Billie Jo.

It's Christmas, Mom.

Oh, all right.

Starting getting
our Christmas stuff

together in the back room.

Floyd and Charley will be
along any minute now. Okay.

I'll help you, Billie Jo.

Oh, that kid.

Stealing a kiss right
out here in the store.

Oh, Sam, it's Christmas.

Remember when you were a boy?

Yeah.

Yeah, I ain't a boy
any longer, Kate,

but if I understand this custom

of kissing under the mistletoe,

uh, there ain't any
particular age limit

on who can and who... Sam...

you talk too much.

What happened, Mr. Drucker?

I got kissed.

All right, kids,
all three of you,

we got a lot of work
to do before dark.

Boy, I'll say we have.

We got Christmas baskets to pack

and presents to wrap
and carols to rehearse.

And a tree to cut
and lights to string.

And a sleigh and
reindeer to touch up.

And the whole Hooterville
Cannonball to decorate.

I could use a little
more pressure, Floyd.

Coming right up.

Will you stop burning the ties

from under this track?

I only burn the
loose ones, Charley.

If you keeping
taking up the ties,

what's gonna hold
the rails down?

Well, the train's pretty
heavy, even without you.

I'll tell you where there's
some ties loose: in your head.

Oh, I'm just spoofing, Charley.

I don't take up enough
to hurt anything.

You've been
a-sayin' that for years.

One of these days, we're
gonna find ourselves out there

plowing up them fields
with our cowcatcher.

Gee whiz, Charley,
don't be yelling at me

so close to Christmas.

Oh, I'm sorry, Floyd,
but you gotta admit

that Christmas Eve would
be a mighty poor time

for the Cannonball
to run off the track,

all decorated up and
carrying a trainload

of carol singers
and presents and all.

Speaking of presents,
what do you got over there

in that big package
with my name on it?

That's a rubber crowbar,

so as you can't pry
up no more loose ties.

Now, throw some
wood on that fire

and let's highball it.

Why, we might even
be on time today.

Well, Mr. Curtis, what about it?

An inspection trip
at Christmastime?

I'd be glad to
work on Christmas,

New Year's, any day

if it's for the good of
the C. & F.W. Railroad.

Oh, now, look, Bedloe,
I realize you're trying

to regain your position
as vice president,

but nobody expects
you to work at Christmas.

That's just it.

They won't be expecting it.

But who is "they"?

Do you know of some
particular violation

of C. & F.W. rules?

Yes, I do,

and I understand it goes
on every year at this time.

Well, who is it?

What is it? Where?

Now, Mr. Curtis, uh,
I think in all fairness

I shouldn't name names or places

until I make an on the
spot personal inspection.

Well, speaking as
president of the railroad,

I have got to admire your
devotion to the company,

but speaking personally,
I think you're a nut.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, that report
will be on your desk

the day after Christmas.

Would you please
come in, Miss Evans?

Merry Christmas, Miss Evans.

Mr. Curtis, did I actually
see a smile and...

and hear a "Merry
Christmas" from old Scrooge...

I mean, Mr. Bedloe?

You did.

And Heaven help Bob
Cratchit and Tiny Tim,

whoever they may be.

Hi, Sam.

Hi, Sam.

(brakes screeching)

Hey, fellas, where's
the rest of the train?

Hey, Charley, we lost the coach.

I can see that, Floyd.

Did you fix that
coupler like I told you?

Let's see now,
did I or didn't I?

Let me think.

Just back up and get the coach.

We gotta decorate this
whole train before dark.

Wait a minute, it's
coming back to me.

Yeah, I didn't fix it.

How come the air
brakes didn't stop us

if you connected the air hose?

Let's see now,
did I or didn't I?

You didn't.

Yeah, I didn't.

Well, you kept
hurrying me, Charley.

Fellas, please...

back this thing up
and get the coach!

Calm down, Sam, we're backing.

Where's the train going?

Oh, Floyd forgot
to fix the coupler

and connect the air hose,

and they lost the coach.

(laughing)

Poor Floyd.

He always gets so
excited around Christmas.

Slow her down,
Charley, we're almost to it.

I can see it, too, smoke head.

(clanging)

Okay, Floyd, hook
up the air hose.

Let's get back to Sam.

Hurry up, Floyd!

Why'd you do that, Charley?

I'm trying to break you
of burning railroad ties.

That one was just layin' there

begging to be burned.

Well, it's like any
other habit, Floyd...

If you're gonna break it,

you got to go cold
turkey, no tapering off.

Gee, Charley, sometimes you
treat me like a six-year-old child.

Sometimes you act
like a six-year-old child.

Which just shows you can
be intelligent when you try.

Mister, if you're looking
for the Cannonball,

you missed it.

It was due through here
two or three hours ago.

Don't tell me it runs
on schedule now.

Well, it does today.

You see, the boys have
got to get the train out

to the Shady Rest
so Kate and the girls

can decorate it tonight
for... (train whistle blowing)

Well, I'll be doggone.

This is the first
time in 14 years

it's been late on Christmas Eve.

And it'll be the last.

Hey, Charley, that
looked like Mr. Bedloe

back at the station.

What would he be doing
here Christmas Eve?

Maybe he brought us a present.

Floyd, you are really
in bad shape today.

(whistle toots)

(brakes squeaking)

I thought they'd never get back.

Hurry up, everybody.

You go ahead,
I'll lock up. Okay.

Mister, unless you
like pumping a handcar,

you better start
running for that train.

I don't like pumping
and I don't like running.

What about your taxi?

Well, it can't run
on the railroad track,

and that's the only road.

Now, the handcar's
right over there.

I'm not pumping any handcar!

Hey, wait!

Hold... wait a minute!

Stop the train!

Hey, wait!

There you are, Mister.

Have a nice trip.

And a merry Christmas.

Bah humbug!

(handcar clanking)

(bell ringing)

Come on, Floyd, hurry up.

Let's get the
decorations out of here.

KATE: Billie Jo, you go
on up and tell your sisters

and Uncle Joe to get down
here on the double and help us.

All right, Mom.

I'll go help her tell 'em.

Hurry up, Floyd. It's
gonna get dark on us.

Now, Sam, don't
you start yelling at me

like Charley's been doing.

It makes me nervous
and I forget things.

All right, Floyd. Open the door.

Charley yelling at
me... It made me forget

to fix the coupling,

made me forget to
connect the air hose...

Floyd, nobody's yelling.

Made me forget
something else, too.

Now I forget what it is.

Doggone it.

(cow mooing)

Now I remember.

(cow mooing) It sounds
like a cow's in there.

Yeah, I was supposed to
leave it off at Lon Hawker's place.

Christmas present for his wife.

Floyd Smoot, we was supposed
to deliver that cow someplace.

Now where?

You're yellin' at
me again, Charley.

Now I forget.

Lon Hawker's place.

That's right, Floyd.

See?

"To Ludie with love from Lon.

Here's wishing you
a white Christmas."

White Christmas... milk, get it?

Floyd, you are the dumbest
ash cat that ever shook a grate.

I ain't an ash cat now, Charley.

I'm a baggage wrestler.

Well, wrestle that
cow out of the way,

and give us the decorations.

Charley, hadn't we
ought to take this cow

back over to Lon's place?

We ain't got time now!

Charley, please
don't yell at him.

He'll forget where he
put the decorations.

Floyd, would you please
start handing things out to us?

You bet.

But Charley and Sam will
have to help you with this cow.

Not the cow, Floyd!

("Jingle Bells" playing)

BOBBIE JO: I don't know
where Uncle Joe disappeared to.

BILLIE JO: Maybe Betty
will find him upstairs.

Oh, Herby, will you put
these under the tree for us?

We've got to find Uncle Joe.

Uh, Billie, look up there.

It's Christmas.

Again?

No, it's still the
same Christmas,

just different mistletoe.

Hey, Betty, did
you find Uncle Joe?

BETTY JO: Not yet, Bobbie.

Well, he knows
there's work to do.

Look under the bed.

That's the first place I looked.

How about the linen closet?

Not there.

Well, tell her to try the attic.

Try the attic.

BETTY JO: Will do.

Hey, where have you kids been?

Looking for you.
Where have you been?

I been trying to
find the upper half

of this Santa Claus outfit.

Did you get the
train all decorated?

No, we haven't even started.

Maybe I better go back
and look some more.

Uncle Joe.

Mom wants you.

Down at the train.

There's work to
do. It's getting late.

I've got a lot of work
to do on this beard.

It's in bad shape.

But Mr. Drucker
got a brand-new one.

Meddler.

(calling out): Betty,
we found him.

Come on down to the train.

BETTY JO: Okay.

We'll see you down
at the train, Mr. Carson.

Okay, I'll be there right away.

Where did Floyd
put the lightbulbs?

No telling, Kate.

You'll find him round
back of the train.

Oh, thanks, Charley.

Floyd Smoot, we
got a train to decorate

and Christmas
carols to rehearse,

and here you sit milking a cow.

She needed milking, Kate.

You wouldn't want her bawling

right in the middle
of "Silent Night."

We're not gonna take her

along on the train
when we go caroling.

I don't see any other way

to get her over to
Lon Hawker's place

in time for Christmas.

Well, all right.

Finish up as quick as you can.

Hey, Sam, I hear you got
me a new Santa Clause beard.

Yeah.

What do you mean, you?
I'm Santa Claus this year.

You was Santa Claus last year.

I was not. Floyd was.

Well, what about
the year before?

That was Pixley Fats.

See? It's my turn this year.

Well, you can forget it.

I got the suit.

Not the top half, you ain't.

So you're the one that hid that.

I didn't hide it.

I took it home to have my
landlady let it out to fit me.

Yeah, well, hand it over.

I got to get dressed.

Where's my beard, Sam?

I gave it to Kate.

Kate! Kate!

Oh, please, fellows,

don't make a big thing
about who plays Santa Claus.

We haven't got time!

What is it?

Kate, who's gonna
be Santa Claus,

me or this greasy hoghead?

Uncle Joe, don't
call Charley that.

Oh, that's just railroad
talk for "engineer."

I don't care. I don't like it.

All right, who's
gonna be Santa Claus,

me or this greasy pighead?

Joe...

Kate, if you let me be
Santa Claus, I'll promise you

a big fat gobbler
for Christmas dinner.

You're always here
for Christmas dinner.

Anybody care for
some fresh milk?

Uncle Joe, take this up
and put it in the icebox.

We'll decide about
Santa Claus later.

You decide all
you want, but I'm it.

You got the padding for it,
but it's on the wrong side.

Yes, boys, let's get busy stringing
up these lights on the train, huh?

Where are the bulbs, Floyd?

They're in the baggage car.

See? When you don't
yell at me, I can remember.

BETTY JO: Mom! Mom!

Betty Jo, you be
careful up there.

There's someone coming
on a handcar from Hooterville.

Handcar? Who is it?

I can't tell for sure.

It looks like Mr. Bedloe.

Kate, Kate, look who's
pumping up the track

to spend Christmas with us.

My ol' buddy Homer Bedloe.

You see, Charley,
that was Mr. Bedloe

we passed up at the
Hooterville station.

Oh, fine.

With that and pumping
20 miles on a handcar,

he's gonna be in a jolly mood.

Just leave him to me.

I don't need no help
to handle Bedloe.

Hey, what do you think
you're doing to the property

of the C. & F.W. Railroad?

We're decorating it for the
annual Christmas carol sing,

Mr. Bedloe.

We go all the way
across the valley

singing and distributing
gifts and baskets of food.

It's a tradition, Mr. Bedloe.

It was a tradition.

Now start taking
down those lights.

Why?

Violation of the C. &
F.W. rules and regulations.

Well, how's ol' Homer Bedloe?

Still looking for a way
to get even with us

for outsmarting you?

No, not anymore.

That's the Christmas
spirit. Put 'er there.

Christmas present for me?

Homer, you
shouldn't have done it.

That's a legal writ
empowering me

to seize and hold this train.

Homer, you... you
shouldn't have done it.

Kate! Sam! Charley...!

(to the tune of "O Come All Ye
Faithful"): ♪ Venite adoremus ♪

♪ Venite adoremus ♪

♪ Venite adoremus... ♪

♪ Dom... inum. ♪

Mr. Bedloe, you being an
educated city man and all,

Bobbie Jo thought
you'd like to hear

that beautiful song in Latin.

Very nice. Lovely
voice, that girl.

She might be able to support you

after the hotel's closed
down, now that the train's gone.

You mean Betty Jo
and Floyd got it away?

Oh, no, you don't steal
that train on me anymore.

Even that clever little
engineer daughter of yours

can't run the Cannonball
without this throttle lever.

(chuckles)

Mr. Bedloe, you
certainly are a...

brilliant man.

Billie Jo, more
fruitcake for Mr. Bedloe.

Uncle Joe, more eggnog.

Herbie, hurry with
Mr. Bedloe's shoes.

Charley, get Mr. Bedloe a cigar.

Bobbie Jo, let's sing
another Christmas carol

for Mr. Bedloe.

This time in English.

("Joy to the World" playing)

(door opens)

Excuse me, Mr. Curtis.

Yes?

The pilot just returned

from flying Mr. Bedloe
to Hooterville,

and he wanted to know if
you'd be needing the plane.

No, no, tell him...

Hooterville? Bedloe went there?

Yes, sir.

He's gonna inspect
the Cannonball.

And he can find a
thousand infractions.

He is going to spoil Christmas

for all those wonderful people.

That mean, vengeful...
Scrooge, sir?

That's too good for Bedloe.

Will you be needing
the plane then, sir?

No, the helicopter.

I've got to land
close to Shady Rest

if I'm gonna stop him in time.

♪ Don we now our gay
apparel, fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪

♪ Troll the ancient
yuletide carol ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. ♪

Very nice.

Where's the eggnog?!

(mocking): "Where's that eggnog?

More eggnog, Carson.
More eggnog, Carson."

Talks to me like I'm a
section hand on his railroad.

(knocking on door)

Oh, boy.

That's all we need now,
Nutty Norman the hobo.

Thank you, Mr. Carson.

Remember me... Norman Curtis?

Yeah, that's the
way I remember you,

with your hand out.

Hungry as usual, I suppose.

Well, I could use some food,

but first, do you have
a Homer Bedlow here,

of the C. & F.W. Railroad?

Yeah. If you're looking
for him to give you a job,

you're out of luck.

That guy is the
original Mr. Mean.

What has he done?

He grabbed the
train, that's all.

It's the end of the Hooterville
Cannonball and the Shady Rest,

and it's the end of
your free handouts.

Well, I'd like to
talk to him alone.

Send him in, will you?

Can't you get it through
your nutty noggin?

Mr. Bedloe is a big shot.

He ain't about to waste
his time talking to a hobo.

You tell him Norman
P. Curtis wants him.

He'll talk to me.

Uncle Joe, hurry up
with Mr. Bedloe's...

Norman Curtis!

Merry Christmas, Kate.

Well, I'm afraid this
one isn't gonna be

a very merry one for us,
but you get washed up,

and we can at least give
you one good hot meal

before we close down.

Because of Mr. Bedloe?

Oh, now, it's Christmas Eve.

I don't want to burden
you with our troubles.

From the looks of you,
you got plenty of your own.

Carson, where's that eggnog?!

Coming right up,
Mr. Bedloe, sir.

I was delayed by this
hobo coming to the door.

Hobo?!

Bumming rides on the C.
& F.W. Railroad, were you?

No, no, sir, Mr. Bedloe.

Well, see that you don't,
buddy, because I'm...

I'm sick.

Too much eggnog.
I was afraid of that.

I'll go get the bicarbonate.

Uh, Kate,

if you two will leave me
alone with Mr. Bedloe,

I think I know just how
to straighten him out.

All right, Kate, if
anybody knows how

to take care of a
drunk, it's a hobo.

All right, everybody,
we can get started now.

Here comes Santa Claus.

Thank goodness that argument
between Charley and Joe

got settled with no bloodshed.

Yeah, that's the best
Santa Claus ever.

(sternly): Merry Christmas.

Be jolly, Bedloe.

(flatly): Ho-ho-ho,
Merry Christmas.

Jollier.

Ho-ho-ho, Merry Christmas!

Happy New Year.

And a Happy New Year!

Ho-ho-ho!

♪ God rest ye merry gentleman,
let nothing you dismay ♪

♪ Remember Christ our savior
was born on Christmas day ♪

♪ To save us all from Satan's
power when we were gone astray ♪

♪ Oh, tidings of comfort
and joy, comfort and joy ♪

(fading): ♪ Oh, tidings
of comfort and joy... ♪

♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪

♪ 'Tis the season to be
jolly, fa-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪

♪ Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪

♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

(fading): ♪ Fa-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la... ♪

♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night ♪

♪ All is calm ♪

♪ All is bright ♪

♪ Round yon virgin ♪

♪ Mother and child ♪

(fading): ♪ Holy infant
so tender and mild... ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride in
a one-horse open sleigh, ay ♪

♪ Jingle bells, jingle
bells, jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh. ♪

KATE: Merry
Christmas, everybody.

JOE: Merry Christmas!

ALL: Merry Christmas!

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

♪ This has been a
Filmways presentation. ♪