Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 1, Episode 13 - A Night at the Hooterville Hilton - full transcript

(train whistle blows twice)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪



(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows twice)

(bell clanging)

Mail's here.

Uncle Joe, from New York.

Must be the necktie you ordered

with your name
painted on by hand.



No doubt. BETTY JO: Hey, Mom.

Yes, yes, for you, for you.

Anything for me?
What's in the big one?

For Billie Jo, from the
Hollywood Lingerie Company.

Better not be black.

I, uh, ordered pink.

Hope they didn't make a mistake.

If they're black, they
go in your hope chest

and not in your bureau.

Bobbie Jo.

Oh, it's my latest selection

from the book club.

Don't start reading until I
get a chance to look at it.

Oh, my goodness!

It's a Hollywood glamour wig.

It's guaranteed to bring
new excitement into my life

or I get my money back.

Do I look like a movie star?

Yes.

Like an old movie star
named Harpo Marx.

I bet she was beautiful.

Oh, the things those silly kids
throw away their good money on.

(chuckles)

Oh! Oh, I hope it didn't break.

That's my genuine

Scat Wrinkle Magic
Youth Beauty Cream.

Uncle Joe, aren't you going
to take your tie in the closet

and see if it lights up
the way it's supposed to?

In a while.

Oh, no, I can't believe it!

It's too good to be true!

What is it, Mom?

Mrs. Stroud is
coming to look us over.

Who's Mrs. Stroud?

You mean you never saw
Gladys Stroud's travel column

in the Centerville Sun Express?

Oh, that Mrs. Stroud.

Gee, that's swell, Mom.

Oh, sure.

Her recommendation
can make a hotel.

I've been trying to get
her here for three years.

I wonder what she means by that?

"Thrilled by your
exciting brochure."

Same brochure we've been
sending her for four years.

It never got her excited before.

Hmm.

I wonder what's in here
to fire up her boilers.

"Each floor with its
own private bath."

That isn't very exciting.

"Most rooms with screens.

Flyswatters free on request."

That couldn't have done it.

"Enjoy the summer heat
without noisy air-conditioning."

Well... anyway she's coming.

Uncle Joe.

Uncle Joe, guess who's
coming to stay with us.

Gladys Stroud...

The newspaper column Stroud.

Yeah, I know.

When I called Centerville
Sun Express to stop her,

they told she was
already on her way here.

Oh, can you imagine.

I'm so excited.

You called to stop her?

You didn't say that did you?

That's what I said.

When did you call the
Centerville Sun Express

to stop her, and why
would you do that?

Skip when, get to why.

As soon as I found
out about the mistake,

I rushed right into Hooterville
and called her right then.

Is this going to be something

I can take standing
up or is it a sitter?

It might be a fainter.

What mistake did
you find out about?

Well, you remember
when I told you about

making up that brochure...

"The Shady Rest
Hotel of the Future"?

You mean the one
you were going to use

to get a big loan at the bank.

The one all about swimming
pools and tennis courts?

That's the one.

Well, I just wanted a few copies

of my brochure of
the future made up

to show to the
bank... Uncle Joe.

Yeah?

The way this story is going...

Put away the knife.

You ain't the type.

I know, but don't put
temptation in my path.

Now, go on.

So the new man at the print shop

made a mistake, and he...

mailed out Uncle
Joe's crazy brochure

to our regular mailing list.

And that's the one
Mrs. Stroud got.

You mean she's coming here

expecting to see a swimming pool

and tennis courts?

And private baths and whatever
else what's-his-name dreamed up.

What's-his-name?
She means Uncle...

I forbid you to mention
that person's name.

Look, Mom, couldn't we

just explain the
mistake to Mrs. Stroud?

Like the owner of
the hotel in Greenville

tried to explain to her

when she found out his new
chef was Canadian and not French

like he had said in
his advertisement?

Oh, yes.

She practically ran
him out of business.

She even tried
to put him in jail

for false advertising.

Oh, hello, girls.

Anybody talks to him
gets her wig taken away.

And if he knows
what's good for him,

he better get
down to Hooterville

and get Mrs. Stroud
before she gets on the train

and talk her out of coming here.

Well, what's he
supposed to tell her?

That woman's supposed
to be a rip-snortin' she-devil.

Well, he better
tell her the truth,

and beg her to forgive him,

so she won't close us
up for false advertising

and so she won't
put him in jail.

That's my advice to him.

Now hold on just a minute.

We're being awful
serious about this.

It's kind of comical
when you think about it.

Just a little mistake.

(chuckles) Just a
little funny mix-up.

It's kind of humorous.

Well, I've got news for him.

If making up crazy brochures

full of tennis courts,
swimming pools

and private baths,

and getting those
brochures sent by mistake

to a woman who's
more than likely

gonna close me up
and deprive a poor widow

of her only means of support

and her three
fatherless daughters,

might be funny to him...

but to me, it's a far piece
from Barney Google.

Here comes Willie
Trankis' taxicab.

Must be Mrs. Stroud.

Now don't you be afraid of her.

You just tell her the truth

and throw yourself on her mercy.

Good luck.

And I'll see you later.

Throw myself on her mercy.

And I intend to report you

to the Better Business Bureau.

But, ma'am, it ain't my fault

if that meter jumps ten
cents when we hit a bump.

I always take it off the bill.

Yes, when you get caught.

I'll see that you're prevented

from cheating the public.

Listen, ma'am, I got
me three kids to support.

Gladys Stroud never
lets sentiment sway her

from her duty to her public.

That mercy I'm gonna
throw myself on...

I don't think there's enough
there to break the fall.

I wonder what's taking
Uncle Joe so long

getting back from Hooterville.

Well, it probably took
him a couple of hours

of talking to Mrs. Stroud
to get up the nerve

to tell her the truth.

You think everything's
all right then, Mom?

Oh, sure.

By now, he's explained
all about the mix-up

with the brochures
and everything,

and she's had a good laugh,

and she's on her way
back to Centerville.

(footfalls approaching)

That must be Uncle
Joe now. (door opening)

JOE: Right this
way, Mrs. Stroud.

You can see the swimming pool

and the tennis
courts in the morning.

Well, suppose she
does have to leave

first thing in the morning.

The train doesn't
get here till 11:00.

Now, she's still gonna want

to see the tennis courts
and swimming pool.

I'm gonna tell her the truth.

Now, now... get a
hold of yourself, Kate.

I've got it all planned.

Floyd and Charley are
going to have the train here

at 8:30 instead of 11:00.

But it's crazy.

She'll be here tonight.

We'll never make
Mrs. Stroud think

she's in a hotel
with private baths,

swimming pools
and tennis courts.

Well, it's the bowling alley

and the indoor ice-skating
rink that's got me worried.

Ice-skating rink?!

Uncle Joe, what else did
you put in that brochure?

You better tell me.

Well, there's... there's no
sense in us both being sick.

Uh, just put yourself
in my hands, Kate.

I got you into this trouble,
and I'm going to get you out.

Now, just say to yourself,

"I'm leaving myself in
Uncle Joe's capable hands."

I just wish there was something

less ridiculous I
could say to myself.

Now, listen, I put her bags

in the room right
next to the bath.

I'm going to put my
big radio up there.

And this.

What's that?

Don't you remember when I sent

for them two-way telephones
from that catalogue?

I'm going to run a wire
from her window down to this.

Then, she'll be able to
call down for room service.

We'll make out like we
got a switchboard, get it?

Oh, boy, are we gonna get it.

I can't go through with it.

I'm gonna tell her the truth.

It's the only way. No, Kate.

Well, maybe you're right.

She probably won't
close the hotel.

She'll be satisfied
just to send me to jail.

You're working on me now.

Oh, don't worry about me.

They won't keep Uncle
Joe on that rock pile

more than a couple of months.

In fact, with my heart,
I may not live that long.

All right, you old faker, you.

Get your tail out from
between your legs.

I'll do my best.

Maybe we can make
Mrs. Stroud think

that this is a first-
class luxury hotel.

Kate, you'll never regret it.

I'm gonna run up to her room,

install this telephone
and that big radio of mine.

This is going to be fun.

(exaggerated laughter)

Uncle Joe?

Yeah?

You're cuckoo.

Takes one to know one.

Mrs. Bradley?

Cuckoo.

(nervous laughter)

My mind was wandering.

Uh, how was dinner?

Oh, wholesome country cooking.

Typical of the region.

Well, so far, this seems

to be the primitive inn
I've always imagined.

I can't believe it contains
the lavish facilities

described in your brochure.

We try to keep it
primitive at night.

You'll see all the lavish
stuff in the morning.

I thought you served
dinner in the crystal room.

Oh, boy.

The crystal room's
closed for repairs.

Few cracked crystals.

You know about
crystals, uh, y-you just

look cross-eyed at
them and they crack.

I see.

Uh, well, I think I'll go up
to my room and take a bath.

Oh, may I have my key?

Oh, yes, of course.

There we are.

Thank you.

Hey, Ma, did you see this?

Oh, my goodness.

That salesman from
Ogden is taking a bath,

and Mrs. Stroud thinks
that's her private bathroom.

Bobbie Jo, stop
her... Tell her anything.

Show her your snapshots.

I gotta go up the back steps

and get that salesman
out of the bathroom.

Oh, Mrs. Stroud! Mrs. Stroud?

♪ Oh, ho, they call
her frivolous... ♪

Fire! Fire! Hotel's on fire!

What's going on?

Mrs. Stroud's coming
up to take a bath.

Well, Jehoshaphat, I
forgot about the private bath.

Yeah, I'll get him out of here,

and you go through the bedroom

and clean up that bath, ya hear?

Fire? What fire? Where?

Where? Downstairs.

You go down the back
stairs and wash off the suds.

But, Mrs. Stroud, don't you
want to see any more pictures?

You can show me the
rest of your pictures later.

I'm going to take my bath.

Hello, Mrs. Stroud.

Welcome to the second floor.

I see you're ready for
your bath, Mrs. Stroud.

You certainly do get around.

Are you all right? Oh, yes, yes.

It's just when I run
up the steps too fast

sometimes I kind
of get the bends.

Hi, Mrs. Stroud.

I just put the big
radio in your room.

Radio?

Oh, I suppose you
don't get television here.

Well, I saw it in
Greenville once

and I didn't get
it there either.

It's a real good radio, though.

Once in a while
she'll quit on you,

but just kick her in the side,
it usually brings her around.

I've kicked a lot of good
entertainment out of that set.

Now, Mrs. Stroud, you
go ahead, take your bath

and have a nice soak
and a good night's sleep

and we'll see you in the
morning. Yes, indeed.

Need anything, just
pick up the phone.

Would you like a bowl of fruit

with some peaches
and a few bananas?

That's a good idea. How
about a couple of nuts?

Yes, how about that?

Feeling any better?

Mm-mm.

Suppose Mrs. Stroud
wants to make a phone call

and she finds out we don't
have any telephone wires

and that that phone on the wall

is just to give the hotel class?

Keep your mind cheerful.

She's leaving the first
thing in the morning.

She won't have
time to see anything.

Have to take our word for it.

Make you feel better?

Well... (buzzer sounds)

Where's the gun? It's a rattler!

That's the phone. Mrs. Stroud.

Maybe she wants me to
come up and kick the radio.

Well, what do I do? Pick it up.

Make out like
you're a switchboard.

Hello, switchboard speaking.

Give her room service, please.

Just a moment,
you'll connect her.

Just a moment, I'll connect you.

(buzzing)

(clicking)

Good evening. Room service.

A glass of warm milk?

Right away, Mrs. Stroud.

Good night.

Nothing to it.

(chuckles)

It wasn't hard.
It was sort of fun.

(buzzer sounds)

Go ahead.

She probably wants to order
some crackers with the milk.

(buzzer sounds)

Good evening.

What?

Just a moment.

Room service?

No, Chicago.

Oh, my goodness.

What'll I say?

I'm only good for room service.

Hello, Mrs. Stroud?

W-What number?

Randolph 6-1599.

Just a moment.

(whispering): Uncle Joe.

I don't understand it.

Usually, in
emergencies like this,

I can manage to come
up with a brainstorm.

(mouthing)

Uh, hello, Mrs., uh, Stroud?

Uh, there was a storm on
the other side of the mountains

and some of the
telephone lines are down.

Well, uh, yes, if they
get it fixed tonight, I'll...

Oh, in the morning.

Yes, fine.

Good night.

You're going to congratulate me?

You mean for being smart
enough to have me around?

I was great on room service.

(crowing)

(buzzer sounds)

Good morning.

Yes, Mrs. Stroud.

All right.

What's she doing up so early?

She'll be down in ten minutes.

She'd like somebody
to take her on a tour

so she can see
the tennis courts,

swimming pool, bowling
alley, indoor ice-skating rink,

and steam rooms.

Steam rooms?

Listen, I got an idea.

Oh, I'll bet it won't
top steam rooms.

Listen, if we do it right,

we can get Mrs. Stroud
on that train by 8:30

and have her convinced
that we've got all the things

it says we've got
in that brochure.

Now, here's what
we're going to do.

(ticking)

It'll never work.

If everybody does like
she's supposed to, it'll work.

Oh, I'm so nervous.

Steam rooms.

Well, a man's got
to have a dream.

Conrad Hilton
started with a dream.

Yeah, but he didn't print it up

and have it mailed
to Mrs. Stroud.

Now, you... Here she comes.

Battle stations.

Morning, Mrs.
Stroud. Good morning.

Did you sleep well?
Very well, thank you.

Um, are you going to show
me around the grounds?

Oh, yes, I am, but, um,
first I want you to see

a most unusual
and fancy elevator.

Right over here.

Most folks don't appreciate
how charming this elevator is.

Why, it doesn't even work.

Well, darned if you didn't
put your finger right on it.

(chuckles)

I want you to step in here

and get the full flavor.

(both chuckle)

Morning.

Oh, morning, young lady.

Uh, the tennis courts
are to your right.

Have a good game.

Now, where were we?

Oh, yes, the elevator.

Uh... pardon me.

I think I hear someone
on the bowling alley.

(ball rolling)

(clattering)

Sorry, folks, no
bowling until after 10:00.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Now, where were we again?

Oh, yes, yes, yes,

I wanted to point out
certain things about...

Pardon me.

I wonder if that Billy Stubbins

is on the indoor
ice-skating rink again.

Billy Stubbins,
you're going to have

to quit making those fast stops.

You're cutting up the
ice something awful.

Now, stop it and slow down.

Billy Stubbins, I
said slow down.

Smart-aleck kid.

Isn't that skating rink

a little close to
the bowling alley?

Uh... yeah, bu-but
it, it works out.

You see, it, uh, it
keeps the bowlers cool

and you automatically
lose the game

if you knock over
a... ice-skater.

Oh, I think I'd like to
see that skating rink.

(quietly): Me, too.

We'll see it in a little while,

but first I want you to see

some of the historical
facts in our lobby.

(chuckling): Now...
Hold still now.

Young lady,

you're supposed to
use the back stairs

when coming from
the swimming pool.

Sorry. Humph!

Kids.

Now, over here, Mrs.
Stroud... (door opens)

Oh, good morning, Miss Smith,
how was the golf course today?

Just lovely.

18 charming holes,

but of course we blondes
have more fun than anybody.

(laughs)

Isn't she the same young lady

who just went out to play tennis

with a blonde wig on?

That was her cousin.

Is anybody using the steam room?

No, dear.

Have a good steam.

I'm sorry about all
the interruptions,

Mrs. Stroud, but...
I just remembered.

Miss Smith's the one

who always leaves
the steam door open.

Excuse me.

There's no steam.

Where's the steam?

Well, I guess it cooled off.

Close the door, Miss Smith,
you're wasting the steam.

Uh, Miss Smith, the steam's
going all over the place.

Just for that, Billy
Stubbins, off the ice.

I've just got to have
a look in there. No.

Oh!

(gasping)

And what else did she threaten?

I told you about closing
us up and putting us in jail.

What else is there?

Where's Uncle Joe?

He went up to...
romance Mrs. Stroud.

Romance her?

(laughs)

That'll never work.

Well, he's desperate.

Says he won't let
anyone close up this hotel.

Well, I'd sure like to hear
what goes on in that room.

Oh, me, too.

Now, girls, you're not going
to listen outside that door

like common snoops.

Mom... Gee-whiz.

Going to do it like ladies,
with your mother along.

You mean you don't
believe I love you

more than I've ever
loved anyone else before?

No.

If I'm lying, may
my nose drop off.

I wish I could believe that.

Oh, y-you just ain't trying.

What attracted you to me?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe it was that little
glint of mischief in your eye,

or that little laugh that
crinklies up your nose.

Oh... You're just an old faker.

(chuckles)

All right, I give up.

If I confess to lying
and false advertising,

will you promise
just to blast at me

and not hurt Kate and her girls?

You mean those three
girls are her daughters?

Yes, ma'am, and they
don't have any father,

and Kate's killing herself

giving 'em a good
bringing-up and an education

and doing the work of six
persons running this hotel.

And if she was to lose it,
and I felt I was responsible,

well, I just wouldn't
feel like living.

(quietly): Darn.

I can't hear a sound
through this door.

I hear talking, but I
can't make out words.

Consarn those honest, solid,

early American builders.

Then you won't write anything
bad about us in your column?

I'm not a monster.

You should have told
me the truth yesterday.

Well, you closed that
hotel in Greenville,

and, well, you were
making monster noises

at Willie the cabdriver.

Well, I guess my bark is
a lot worse than my bite.

And that fellow in Greenville
deserved to be closed up.

(both chuckling)

Is that the little laugh
that crinkles my nose?

You're adorable.

You're a prince among women.

I'm going to tell Kate and
the girls the good news.

Oh, good, I'm
glad you're all here.

Uncle Joe, what happened?

Well, you can stop
worrying about Mrs. Stroud.

Then she's not
closing us up after all.

Thank goodness. (door opens)

Well... it's nice to
see you all so happy.

Thanks to you, dear lady.

Oh, we're so grateful.

Oh, you should be
grateful to Uncle Joe.

(laughs)

Oh, that handsome devil.

Did it crinkle that time?

Mrs. Stroud, I jus...

Oh, call me Gladys. Gladys...

I'll be expecting you in
Centerville Saturday night.

You're escorting me
to my class reunion.

Oh, I've got so
many plans for us.

I'll tell you all about it
on the way to Hooterville.

Bye, everybody. Bye.

Poor Uncle Joe.

He's really too
young to go steady.

(all laughing)

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

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Filmways Presentation.