Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 1, Episode 15 - Herby Gets Drafted - full transcript

(train whistle blows twice)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪



(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows twice)

(chugging)

Thank you, Floyd.

Thanks.

Okay. Thanks, Floyd.

Oh, thanks for the lift, Floyd.



Glad to oblige, Kate

Pick you up soon as
we turn around, Kate.

Oh, that'll be fine, Charley.

Make it exactly 20 minutes

to maybe an hour from now.

Oh, right on the dot.

Anywhere in there.

So long, Kate. See
you later, Floyd.

Bye, Floyd. Bye, Floyd.

See you later. Bye-bye, Floyd.

Bye, Charley.

Morning, Kate, girls.

Oh, hi, Sam. How
are you? Hello, Sam.

You come in for the special sale

on woolen mufflers? I didn't
know you were having a sale.

Is that what you're
hanging the flag up for?

Oh, no, Kate.

Hey, Herby, bring
me that screwdriver.

No, this is a service flag.

Had it in stock since 18.

I figure when my only
employee goes in service,

I ought to make
something over it.

You mean Herby?

Yeah, he's been
drafted. Leaves tomorrow.

Tomorrow? No fooling?

How does he feel about it?

Well, he, uh...

That answer your question?

I've seen half-starved
hound dogs

look happier than that.

Yeah, Herby's all heart.

Yeah, but he's not the
kind to want to shirk duty.

Oh, of course not.

He's upset over
leaving his hometown.

He thinks nobody cares.

But that's not true.

Of course it isn't.

Could be Herby's got a point.

Not too many people
even know he's here.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

For a boy six feet tall,

he sure throws a
mighty short shadow.

Yeah. Not enough
shade for a hot frog.

Poor boy.

You're the one he's
really going to hate

to say good-bye to, Billie Jo.

You know how he feels about you.

Well, sure, but what
am I going to do?

Come on, girls, let's go
inside and cheer up Herby.

Especially you, Billie Jo.

Herby, congratulations.

We just heard the
news. What happened?

The draft board change its mind?

No, I mean congratulations about

being called in to service.

Oh...

Well, everyone in Hooterville's
sorry to see you go, Herby.

But we're sure
proud of you. Huh?

We'll miss you, but our hearts

will be with you. They will?

Not only are the people
around here going to miss you,

but they're going to
sit up and take notice

when they see you in uniform.

Yeah?

Nah... Even in
uniform, I'm still me.

Oh, Herby, you're
going to be dreamy

in the uniform, I just know it.

Gosh, you really
think so, Billie Jo?

Oh, do I ever.

Gosh! I mean, golly.

Isn't it exciting going
into service, Herby?

It's getting to be, sure.

Of course it is, Herby.

Well, good morning, everybody.

Hi, Junior. Oh, hi, Junior.

Hello there, Billie Jo.

Hi, Junior, have you
heard the good news?

It's the biggest event since
the opening of the store.

You're having a sale?

Yeah, on woolen
mufflers, but listen to this.

Herby's going into the service.

Hey, that is a big event.

I... I could use a new muffler.

You got any red ones?

Junior, the big event

is Herby going into the service.

Oh, come on. What's
so big about Herby

becoming a dogface private?

Is that what I'm going
to be, a dogface private?

Of course not.

What am I going to be?

Anything you want to be.

Right, girls?

Sure, I'll bet you could
even be an officer,

say in the marines.

Or a jet pilot in the air force.

Or a submarine commander.

Or one of those,
um, uh, astronauts.

Hey, that's a good idea.

I sort of like them
fancy-looking space suits.

Maybe I'll become an astronaut.

You got a head start, Herby.

You're practically weightless.

Sure. Being thin can
have its advantages.

You might be the first
man to reach the moon.

Are you kidding?!

Herby can't even reach
for the pork and beans,

unless Mr. Drucker
points it out to him.

Junior, don't be jealous.

Jea... jea... of Herby?!

Herby couldn't even read
the physical requirements

to be an astronaut,
let alone pass them.

Oh? Well, he passed
the physical requirements

to play football for
the Hooterville Hornets.

So there.

Oh, big deal.

Herby Bates, the
all-time leading

yardage loser of the
all-time scoreless wonders.

Well, it's a record.

Herby, can't you see
they're putting you on?

On what?

Oh, Bates... you're beautiful.

You're really beautiful.

What do you mean?

What he means is that

you're handsome,
and you're going to be

even more handsome in uniform.

Well, so long, Junior.
It was nice seeing you.

Hey, wait a minute. I
haven't done my shopping yet.

This is on the house.
What's going on here?

I... (muffled yell)

(girl giggling)

(indistinct chatter)

(indistinct chattering)

Hi, folks. Hi.

That my star football
player you got with you?

Hi, Herby. Hi, there, Coach.

What are you doing here,

playing hooky from
Drucker's store?

He's the guest of
honor at the party

we're throwing for him tonight.

Herby's going in the
service tomorrow, Uncle Joe.

I'm becoming an astronaut.

Well, congrat... A what?

An astronaut, Uncle Joe.

Herby?

(laughs)

Stop joshing me.

No joshing.

I'm putting in with them
missile-flying fellas.

With John Glenn
going into politics,

that leaves a place
open for Herby.

Come on, girls. Uh, Herby.

Hey...

Herby going to be an
astronaut's laughable.

Ain't it?

Mom doesn't think so.

Or Billie or Bobbie
or Mr. Drucker.

Even Junior Hocker
wasn't able to laugh about it.

Say, if he was to
become an astronaut,

he'd be the most famous person

ever to come out of
Hooterville, wouldn't he?

No doubt about it.

Say, you know a shrewd manager

could push him into
politics after he gets out,

make another John
Glenn out of him.

Uncle Joe...

I might put my
brain behind Herby.

Give him something
to fall back on.

Yes, sir, that boy's okay.

He's a real comer.

♪ ♪

(indistinct chatter)

Hello, Albert.

Welcome to Shady Rest.

Hi, Floyd.

Hello, you old time-burner.

Quite a big night, huh?

Sam, how's everything
in Hooterville? Fine.

Hey! What are you doing
here, party smasher?

I heard Mrs. Bradley say
everybody was welcome.

Well, that don't
include you, wise guy.

Relax, Herby.

You'll have Billie
Jo all to yourself.

I will? Sure.

Whenever she's not
busy dancing with me.

Hey, that ain't fair.

Listen, you stay
away from Billie Jo.

This is my last
night with her...

Hey, want to come get
some punch with me, Herby?

Oh, not now, Billie.

Herby and me want to
have a talk about his future.

Come on. I'll get some
with you, Billie Jo. But I...

Wait a minute! I'd like to
get some punch with you.

Ain't that great, Herby.

I know, I made it
myself. I don't care.

I'm going to get me
some with Billie Jo.

I knew a fella once that felt
the same way about cider.

Good or bad, he couldn't
leave the stuff alone.

(laughter)

For a fact. For
a fact, Billie Jo.

Junior, that's cute.

I don't think anything
a slacker says

is particular cute.

Don't talk stupid, Bates.

Junior's not a slacker, Herby.

I don't see him offering

his services to his country.

I'm deferred till I
get out of college.

Then I'm going into
officers' training school.

See, he admits it.

He's going to stay home
and become a policeman.

I'm becoming an officer
in the army, you dope.

Oh, that kind.

Now, boys, if you're
going to argue,

I'm going to have
to break this up.

Herby, maybe you and
I better go for a walk.

Uh, no, no, we
won't argue anymore.

Oh, yes, we will.
Now, let's walk.

Okay.

Anybody seen Hooterville's
hottest vote-getter?

Hooterville's who?

You know, Mom.

Uncle Joe's political
protégé, Herby Bates.

He's the John Glenn of our town.

Otherwise know as
Orbitin' Herby Bates.

Uncle Joe, why don't you
stop bothering that boy.

He's like to spend a
little time alone with Billie.

Tonight's our only chance

to map out his political career.

It's also his only chance

to say good-bye to Billie.

He ain't got no time
to waste on girls.

He's saving all his
sweet talk for the voters

and his kisses for their babies.

Well, there goes the last

of the big-time
political bosses.

I may be going real
far away, Billie Jo.

I know.

Oh, but I'll write to you.

I promise.

You won't be running
around with that slacker

Junior Hocker all
the time, will you?

Oh, not all the time. I promise.

Do you want to
seal it with a kiss?

Do you?

Golly. Do I ever.

JOE: Hey, Herby!

I've been looking
all over for you.

I want to talk to you.

Can't it wait,
please, Mr. Carson?

You can see him
later, Uncle Joe.

Nope, I've got to
see him tonight.

Billie Jo, why don't you
go in and join the guests

while Herby and me
discuss his destiny?

Well, if I can't sit here
quiet and peaceful,

I want to dance.

Me, too.

Wait a minute, son.

You've got to start
thinking of your future.

That's what I'm thinking about.

Soon as Billie goes inside,

Junior's going
to glom on to her.

Now hold on, son.

If you want to get
someplace with Billie,

you ain't going
to do it dancing.

Oh... you've seen me dance, huh?

That's not what I mean.

Relax and rock for a minute.

I'll tell you how
you can win over

everybody in these parts,

including Billie Jo.

You mean it? It's a cinch.

With me guiding your destiny,

there ain't no reason
why you couldn't

become even more
popular than Johnny Glenn,

Gordo Cooper.

Yeah, astronauts sure
do become famous.

And how.

Well, you could even be one
of the first ones on the moon.

Billie Jo ain't
about to forget you

with your name splashed
all over the papers.

Yeah. I reckon not.

It's only a short
jump from the moon

to the state capital.

State capital?

You come home a
famous astronaut,

pushing you right into politics.

Politics?!

Yeah, Billie Jo cheering
you onward and upward.

Just like everybody else.

Junior Hocker would sure have

to go something to beat that.

Yeah, so would some of
them other young punks

traipsing around after Billie.

Golly, Mr. Carson.

I can't think of
anything I'd rather do

than having Billie Jo
look up to me. Herby...

Herby... If becoming an
astronaut is what it takes

to make Billie Jo forget
about everybody else, Herby...

then that's what
I'm going to do!

Boy, I'm going to... Herby!

Mr. Carson?

There's nothing makes me edgier

than somebody
rockin' against me.

Oh... Now, will you
learn how to rock?

Or I'm pulling my
brains out of this deal.

Sorry, sir.

Now, between
flights in the missile,

get in some good
rockin' practice, will you?

Yes, sir. I certainly will.

Good boy.

Now, let's go in and hit
them with our speech.

Speech?

I ain't no public speaker.

Herby, my boy,
with me behind you,

you can do anything.

All right, everybody's quiet.

Now, tell us what's
on your mind, Herby.

Thank you, Mrs. Bradley.

Ladies and gentlemen,

uh, unaccustomed as I
am to public speaking,

I'd still like to take
this opportunity

to thank you all for
coming to my party.

And especially Mrs.
Bradley for throwing it for me.

(whispering): Also want
to make an announcement

about my military career.

I also want to make
an announcement

about my military career.

Tomorrow morning,
when they swear me in,

they won't be swearing
in any dogface,

they'll be swearing
in a rip, snortin' terrier.

Me.

Uh, I hereby announce that

I'm becoming America's newest...

(whispering): Astronaut, stupid.

Astronaut, stupid.

No. No, just plain astronaut.

Uh, after a couple of trips
around the moon and back,

with my buddies, like Johnny
Glenn and Gordo Cooper, uh,

I'm coming home and
throwing my space helmet

in the political ring.

(whispering): Any
questions you want answered

about me while I'm gone...

HERBY: Any questions
you want answered about me

while I'm gone...

just check with that
public-spirited citizen,

genial Joe Carson.

Just check with that
public-spirited citizen,

genial Joe Carson.

I thank you.

I thank you. (applause)

Hello, Kate.

Well, genial Joe,

you just helped that boy
make a fool of himself.

Kate, you keep
proving over and over

that women and
politics don't mix.

We never should
have give you the vote.

With you and Herby in politics,

we may give it back.

(knocking on window)

Herby!

Oh! Why you...

you look like you been
scrappin' with a grizzly.

I just walked all the way
back from the army camp.

40 miles through brush
so no one would see me.

Well, sit down before you faint

and fall in it.

Is anybody around here?

Everybody's asleep,
except Billie Jo.

She's writing
you another letter.

But what happened?

Well, after six
days in the service,

they up and kicked me out.

Why?

Well, it seems like I got
what they call a trick knee.

They said it probably
came from playing football.

And they said I
also got a bad back.

Also probably from
playing football.

Anyway, after pretty near
a week of tests and X rays,

they decided to give
me a medical discharge.

Oh, that's a shame, Herby.

But you've always got your
job at Drucker's to go back to.

Oh, I ain't going back
there, Mrs. Bradley.

After me popping off
the way I did before I left,

I ain't ever gonna be
able to face anybody again.

Especially Billie Jo.

Boy, I sure made
a fool of myself.

With some strong
assistance from genial Joe.

Will you hide me
here till morning?

Of course, Herby, but why...

Then I'll disappear.

I'll take off for
some foreign place,

like the Casbah or
Cleveland, or somewhere.

Now stop talking silly.

If you're bent on hiding
I'll stash you in the attic,

till we can figure out some
way of bringing you back

from the service proper-like.

Then you won't tell
Billie Jo what a flop I am?

Oh, no, of course not.

Come on, let's
go up to the attic.

It isn't very comfortable,

but then I'm afraid
you have no choice.

You either have to be honest

or uncomfortable.

What a shame.

Herby sure 'came
a cropper, didn't he?

Yeah.

Poor boy's hiding
up in my attic.

But his spirits is
down in the cellar.

Too bad you had to
sneak in here at night

to tell me about it, Kate.

Well, wish I could think
of some way to help you,

but my mind's all full

of newspaper business right now.

Well, Sam, the-the
truth of the matter is,

I wanted to catch you
'fore you went to press

with the Hooterville
World Guardian.

Kate figures the
paper can help Herby

be out of the mess he's in.

When people read
things in black and white,

they're more
likely to believe it.

You know that, Sam.

Now wait a minute, Kate.

As owner, editor and publisher

of Hooterville's only newspaper,

and a man who's never
deviated from the truth,

you don't expect
me to write a story

to cover up for a
bungling youth, do you?

No, Sam.

I'll write the story.
That's different.

I'd be proud to print
anything you write, Kate.

I'll set the type.

Hey, how about me
doing something?

Okay, you can do
our proofreading.

If it's all the same with you,

I think I'd be better
at proof-listening.

(rooster crows)

Yep, the strategy I
got planned for Herby,

it won't be long till
he's way up there.

Your strategy already
has him way up there.

Huh?

Well, he ain't an astronaut yet.

He's got to go through
a period of training first.

Girls, your mother's
a fine woman,

but her understanding of
military service and politics

is pathetic.

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

Local hero returns. What
have you got there, Floyd?

Let me have one.

What's all the
excitement, Charley?

Herby's coming home.

No. Yeah, for a fact.

Well, look, everybody.

"Our Herby Returns.

"Herby Bates, the popular
young Hooterville resident

"who recently applied for
duty in the armed services

"as an astronaut,

"received a medical discharge

"and is returning
to Hooterville.

"The cause of his
injury is not disclosed

due to the classified
nature of his assignment."

Let me see that.

Hmph.

You suppose it's true?

What do you mean, "you suppose"?

There it is in black and white.

Well, yes, I know, but
sometimes news... Kate...

Now there's another
thing you've proven

you don't know anything about...

The newspaper game.

Well, I guess you're
right, Uncle Joe.

It says here he'll
be home tomorrow.

Why don't we arrange for a
homecoming celebration for him?

Good idea. (talking excitedly)

Oh, that's a good idea, Charley.

Say, I'll make a banner
for the side of the train.

"Hero Special" or something.

Uncle Joe, don't ruin
another one of my good sheets

by painting on it.

Yeah, but, Kate... Well... okay.

This time it's worth it.

I wonder how bad Herby was hurt.

I don't know,

but a great career
was nipped in the bud.

Oh, my poor Herby.

There goes the governor's
seat right down the drain.

Hi, Mrs. Bradley.
(whispers): Hi.

Boy, your room sure is
a lot nicer than the attic.

Thanks. Now the next
stage is to get you down

and sneak you onto
that train when it pulls in.

BILLIE JO: I'm gonna
get out of these jeans

and into a nice dress
for Herby's homecoming.

BOBBIE JO: Okay. I'm
gonna take my bath now.

There's gonna be more
eyes in that hallway

than in a sack of potatoes.

I got to do something to you.

What are you fixin' on doing?

Now...

with Bobbie's dress
and Billie's coat

and Betty Jo's wig
from the school play

and my fur piece, we
might get away with it.

Come on.

Oh! Who's that?

Herby, it's you.

Hey... Ain't a bad looker, huh?

Come on, gorgeous.

(train whistle blows)

Here she comes, folks.

Mom, there's
something bothering me.

What's that, dear?

Well, that girl over there.

Do you know who she is?

Oh, probably a
friend of Herby's.

Well, I don't like her.

Now why do you say that?

For one thing, she's got a
coat on just like my new one.

For another thing,

look how snooty she is
standing over there by herself.

Oh, never mind her.

Here comes the
Cannonball with Herby.

Look, dear, look,
look at the train.

No good Herby Bates.

What? What?

He no sooner gets
a uniform on and...

and he has to go
take up with that hussy.

Oh, that's what you think, good.

I mean, it isn't good
to think that way.

Uh, watch the train, dear.

I've been writing to
him for six whole days

and I haven't even
looked at another boy.

At least not for very long.

And he has to go
and do that to me.

Pipe down, will ya, Billie?

You know I ought to go over
there and scratch her eyes out,

that-that man stealer.

Oh, Billie. (bell clanging)

(bell clanging)

(excited chattering)

(brakes screech, hissing)

(cheering)

Folks, folks, folks, could I
have your attention, please?

This is the moment
we've all been waiting for...

The triumphant return of our own

Herby Bates.

(applause, cheering)

We take this opportunity
to welcome him home

from a short, but
distinguished career

in the military service.

(applause)

(applause)

Well, uh...

he's getting himself
together a little slowly, folks.

Is he busted up bad?

Not too bad.

But he don't quite
look like his old self.

(cheering)

(gasps)

Look at his lips.

(gasps): There's
lipstick all over them.

Oh, that hussy,

she sneaked on the
train and she kissed him.

Where is she?
I'm gonna kill her.

Oh, for heaven's sakes,
quiet down, Scarlett O'Hara.

Thank you, folks.
I'm glad to be home.

And I'm fixin' to
go back to work

at Mr. Drucker's
store real soon.

(applause) Fine, Herby.

Now, folks, let's
all go up to Kate's

for coffee and donuts.

(cheers)

Oh, Herby, my
wonderful, darling Herby.

Your what?

Promise me you'll never
look at that hussy again.

Here, let me wipe
her lipstick off of you.

What?

There, that's better.

Now, here's some of mine.

Golly, Billie Jo.

Well... golly.

Would you look at that?

Well, the nerve of that hussy.

She even wears
my shade of lipstick.

Golly...

Come on, I'm not letting
you out of my sight.

Going back to Drucker's store.

I knew that kid was a loser.

Doesn't look like
one right now to me.

Hey, Junior, you ever
give any thought to

using a military career as
a springboard into politics?

I'm not interested in
politics, Mr. Carson.

Kate, you're looking
at a frustrated man

with a great brain and no
way of making it pay off.

Yes, Uncle Joe.

Stuck out here in
the middle of nowhere

with nothing but losers.

Yes, Uncle Joe.

Ain't it a cotton-pickin' shame?

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

This has been a
Filmways Presentation.