Pete Versus Life (2010–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - A Night at the Light Opera - full transcript

After winning tickets for 'Mamma Mia' Pete impresses Helene, whom he meets in a café, with his lovely new jacket. What she does not know is that he took it from outside a charity shop one evening and only donated a pound for it next day. They go to the show but Pete is arrested for indecent exposure after relieving himself against the theatre wall and she dumps him. When Anna offers tickets to 'Mamma Mia' for her birthday treat, Helene takes Pete back but unfortunately he finds himself sitting next to the donor of the jacket and the charity shop assistant, who accuse him of theft. This leads to a second arrest in two days - by the same policewoman, who Tasers him after he insults the show.


And you join us at Pete's local
cafe, where he's got his eye

on a rather attractive young
lady who's reading Martin

Heidegger's "Being and Time."

Now you much of a
philosophy man, Terry?

Oh, really much so, Colin.

Last one I read was "The World
According to Clarkson",

and then it really does
make you stop and think.

You know, I mean, why are
there so many corns on??


And I'd like to see Martin Heidegger

test drive a Ferrari F40.

- Aye.
- Thanks, mate.

Hi, Bunny.


Jake's back from the Antarctic.

- Jake!
- Right, mate.

You right? Yeah.

Tell them your news.

Oh, they don't want to know about that.

They do. Tell them.

Well, I discovered two
identical snowflakes.

It's going to revolutionize kales.


Not that.

Judge My Face has said
that Jake is an 8.9.


You sent your own picture
into Judge My Face?

That's a bit vain, isn't it?

Well, the girls at the
ice station sent it in.

I didn't know there was
girls at the ice station.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

It's all women apart from the pilot,

and we didn't see him for six months.


So it's just you in the
biosphere in the South Pole

with a load of girls?


And the irony is, it being the
Antarctic winter, the ice

station so overheated
everyone just walks

around in their underwear.

Oh, so did you ever...

What happens in the South
Pole stays in the South Pole.

- Oh.
- Look.

All of this is off the point.
- No, it's not.

It's the only interesting thing he's

said in the last five years.

The point is, Jake is an 8.9.

I mean, I always knew he was handsome.

But 8.9...

Well, listen.

He's not the only one
with a bit of good news.

I have won a competition
in a sports magazine.



Two free tickets to see "Mamma Mia!"

I love "Mamma Mia!"

I've seen it 12 times. Haven't I, Rob?

Yeah. Yeah.

Although, Rob's not seen
it at all because it

always clashes with work or something.

And I've had flu the last three times.

Well, now you can both go and see it.

Actually, I'm feeling a
bit fluey at the moment.

But I can still come, Pete.

It will be a scream, 'cause
I'll bring my lyric sheets

and we can dress up.

Oh, he couldn't keep his mouth shut.

Could he? - When is it?

Tomorrow night.

Oh, no.

I can't go.

Ah, shit.

What a bugger.

So what sort of sports magazine

has "Mamma Mia!" tickets as a Prize?

- "Women's Fitness."
- What were you doing with that?

My broadband's down at the moment.


Now Pete always needs to clear

his head after seeing Jake.

Oh, and he's seen a charity shop.

It's closed.

But he's displaying the confidence

of a man well used to rifling
through a bin bag in public.

That's right. Oh, that's a beauty.

It's like something the young
Patrick Young used to wear

before he joined.

Well, that jacket seems to
have cheered him up no end.

I think he fancies himself
a bit there, Colin.

What's this?

He's not nicking it is he, Terry?

No, no.

He's going to come
back tomorrow morning

and give them the money.

Very honorable.

It just did look like
he was nicking it.

Wow, you look great.

That is quite a jacket.

Well, the jacket's the icing.
This is the cake.

You look like a dream boat.

Where's my camera? - No.

No way.

You're not taking photographs.

Oh, this is the boost his ego needed.

You've got such a good energy.

Now say cheese.

No, I'm not going to say
things like cheese.

I just bought this coat today
and I'm just trying to see...

I don't like having
my photograph taken.

I can't.

This is really embarrassing.

I'm just here doing my thing.

Kind of getting ready...

Well, what started out as a bit of fun

turned into a two hour photo shoot.

But what's this?

Oh, he's sending it to Judge My Face.

Well, that has got

farce written all over it.

So now he just has to
make good on his promise

- to that charity shop.
- Yeah.

He's been thinking about that, Colin.

And firstly he thought he'd
just give them 20 quid.

And then he thought he's
actually saving them

the problem of dry cleaning
it and hanging it up,

so he'd give them a tenner.

Now this quickly went down the way

and it's currently standing at a fiver.

How kind of you.

Just trying to help.

Thank you.

What a lovely jacket.

- Thank you.
- A pound?

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

And if Richard Curtis was dead,
he'd be spinning in his grave.

Oh, and it looks like Pete's got
a reply from Judge My Face.

And amazingly, they
rate his looks at 9.3.

He's got to be pleased
with that, Terry.

Well, it's a remarkable performance...

And with curly hair, too.

If he'd have got the
hair straighteners out,

he might have got that up to a 9.5.

Yes, a day that when you're
playing Terry did you

and your teammates
have a way of working

out who was the best looking?

Well, basically it was
how many members of

you'd slept with.

A Miss World or Susan George...
that counted for two.

Wonderful times.



Will, emboldened by his 9.3
and having a nice jacket,

I think he's going to nick that coffee.


- Here he goes.
- Yeah.

Very nice.

See how he's looking in
a different direction

as he nicks it?

That's instinctive, Colin.

You can't teach that.

I like your jacket.

Thanks very much.

Truffaut wore a jacket like
that in "La Nuit Americaine".


Yeah, he did.

That's a film, isn't it?

Very much so.

An espresso drinker, like me.


I just drink it for the hit, really.

For me, coffee is just
a source of caffeine.

Everything else...
Milk, froth, cinnamon,

sprinkles... it's all bullshit.

That's good.

That's really nice.

You know anything about film directors?

Have you ever noticed how there's

a load of British
directors called Michael?


You've got Michael Powell,
Michael Winner, Michael Clayton

Jones, Michael Apted, Michael
Radford, Michael Lee,

Michael Winterbottom, Michael...

Well, that was a bit of a mad one.

Oh, he's boosted himself on
the spectrum there, Colin.

It's leather.

It's like butter.

Oh, but he's got away with it.

Thank goodness for that jacket.

And helping out Age UK?


Well, I couldn't walk past that jacket

without saying something.
- Thanks very much.

Thank you.

Do you fancy going out some time?

- Yeah, I'd love to.
- Really?



I just had a thought.
Do you like theater?

Yeah, I love it.

Do you like musical theater?

Sort of.


OK, 'cause I've just
had an amazing idea.

Meet me tonight...

OK. 7:00 outside the Trocadero.


Till then. - OK.

I'm Helene, by the way. - Pete.

Oh, she's lovely. Isn't she, Terry?

Yeah. Yeah.

A primary school teacher,
but studying for a PhD

in ethical existentialism.


Who would have thought a
girl that would go for Pete?

Well, yeah.

But let's not forget,
Pete's a lot more handsome

than either of us thought.

In fact, his score of 9.3 is
actually 0.2 more handsome

than Robert Patinson
and 0.3 more handsome

than Rob Wilding from Crimewatch.

In fact, the only Hollywood
A-lister or crime

show presenter who is more handsome

than Pete is Brad Pitt.

And then I think he's
had some work done.

Well, that makes Pete's
achievement doubly impressive,

as he rarely even goes to the dentist.

- Oh, my God.
- What, what, what?

I'm sorry.

That was my husband's. - No it wasn't.

I just paid for it. Just there.

I meant the jacket.

It was my late husband's.

I gave it to the Age UK shop.

You look so like him. - How did he die?

If you don't mind me asking,
was it anything contagious?

- No, no.
- Oh, good.

He was captured by Somali pirates.

Negotiations broke down
and after 18 months

he was beheaded.

Sorry to hear that.

But still, I suppose
it's some consolation

it's nothing catching.


Anyway, it's good to see it
went to a handsome young man

like yourself.

Oh, thank you.

You know, you really do
look a lot like him.

Brian would have been so pleased
the jacket went to you.

Who's Brian?


I'm sorry.

Oh, he wouldn't have minded.

He had a great sense of humor.

He'd have needed it.

Well, nice to have met you.

Yeah, yeah.

And judging by that outfit,

she's off to the Glastonbury Festival.

Well, you can't let the
Somali pirates win.

Oh, hi Pete.

Oh, you haven't seen my coffee.
Have you?

I ordered it before I went to the loo.


That's mine, but...

I didn't know you liked espresso.

Yeah. I love it.

It just gives me kick at
the start of the day.

You know. - It's 2:00 in the afternoon.

I know.

Jake, what did you get
on Judge My Face again?

8.9, I think.


- Hi!
- Oh, hi.

Pete, I love that jacket.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

It really suits you.

It does.

It's tremendous.

It's a really tremendous jacket.

I'll tell you who would look
really good in that jacket.



You don't mind if he tries
the jacket on, do you?


Come on.

Now, while we're waiting for the jacket

to go on, a chance to bring
in Trinny and Susannah.

Welcome, ladies.

Big fans of the show.

Oh, thank you.

Especially Terry.

She is pert.

Now this jacket...

What is all the fuss?

Well, I think it's
worth a bit of a fuss.

It's kind of very retro...
'70s, lapels.

I agree... very "Starsky and Hutch".

Now, you're two girls.

We're two fellas.

What are you doing later?

Going clubbing with Terry.

Oh, that was quick.

You snooze, you lose.

It fits you even better
than it fits Pete.

Doesn't suit you.

It's like it was made for you.

So we join Pete off on his
first date with Helene.


Oh, how's this going to go down?

You're serious?

What do you mean?

I thought all girls liked Mamma Mia!

Not this girl.

Oh, dear.

Oh, well, I've got the tickets now.

I don't know what you want to...

Well, how bad can it be?

Probably really bad.

So we're well into the
first half and Pete

looking a bit uncomfortable.

And that's not entirely down
to the show, is it Terry?


He had three pints of later
before he met Helene

and is now desperate to go to the..

And there's still three camp classics

to go until the interval.
Well, there it is.

That's half time.

But the loos in these
theaters, notoriously tiny.

Just look at that queue.

Oh, it looks like he's had an idea.

Oh, you can't beat it.

Can you?

Well, he certainly looks like it's

getting a lot more
enjoyment out of that piss

than he has out of the
first half of Mamma Mia!

Sorry, Terry.

Piss... one of the words
we can no longer use.



You know you can be charged
with indecent exposure

for that. - What?


I was just watching "Mamma
Mia!" and the toilets

were really busy.

So I just came out to try and
find a quietest place I could.

And this was... - Yeah.

Well, just be a bit
more careful next time.

I will.

I'm really sorry though, officer.

- So are you enjoying the show?
- No.

It's shit.

I've seen episodes of 'Scooby-Doo" that

made more sense.

I can honestly say I think it's
been the worst hour of my life.

Well, I think it's wonderful.

I've seen it 52 times.

Yeah, you have.

I think you better come with me.

Oh, no.

Well, he asked for that.

Slagging off "Mamma Mia!" to a lady

is like playing Russian
roulette with five

bullets in the chamber.

And it's the morning
after the night before,

and Pete's tracked down Helene.

She doesn't look too happy.

She's already put the
phone down on him once.

Hi, Helene.

I've said all I want to say.

- Where did you go?
- Yeah.

He doesn't want to admit he's been

charged with indecent exposure.

And if we do the sums, we
can see that plus police

woman equals.

Oh, that's harsh.

I went looking for you.

And by the time I came
back, it had started

and they wouldn't let me in.

I missed the second half.

But I thought you
thought it was rubbish.

Well, actually, I was
quite enjoying it.


Yes, and why shouldn't I?

It's a marvelously vibrant examination

of liberated female sexuality.

And I really wanted to
see who the dad was.

Oh, my God.

That guy.


His face conforms almost
exactly to the Greek ideal

of male beauty. - Yeah.

Well, you haven't seen
him with his shirt off.

He's got these really weird
scars where a shark bit him.

Really, a shark?

Well, he says a shark,
but it's probably

a dolphin or a big crab.

Oh, so is this your new girlfriend?

- Well, are you?
- No.

I'm Helene. - Jake.

I see you're reading Kant
in the original German.

Oy, oy, oy.

We're having a conversation here.

Yeah? - Oh, right.

I'll get some coffees. - OK, rude.

Your friend is very handsome.



He's just about the best
looking bloke I know.

Apart from your boyfriend.

Rob, you are so funny!

What's everyone going
on about Jake for?

I'm better looking than Jake.


Well, I am.


Aren't I, Rob?

I am.

Well, on Judge My Face I'm
0.4 better looking at him.

So... - You went on Judge My Face?

My mom sent my photo in.

Your mom can't work a computer.

She can barely work a tele.

Yeah, well, nevertheless, I'm a 9.3.

All right?

I think you're all getting
confused because you know him.

You know he's got a nice personality

and lots of charisma.

But if you ignore that, if you take

that out of the equation
and you just look at me...

As a photo you will
realize that I'm actually

better looking than him.

I don't know him.

And I think he's much
better looking than you.

- Oh, he is nice.
- Shut up.

I'm making a move.

Pete, don't call me.




So after everything you
said, you actually

sent your own photo into Judge My Face.

It's just a bit of fun, isn't it?

And you got a 9.3?

Yeah, that's right.


OK, fine.

I'll show you the email.

Weirdly, they just
sent me another email.

And what does it say?

Oh, beaten by a girl.

That's why I never played rugby.

Owing to an administrative error,

we're afraid your rating is not 9.3.

It's actually 3.9.

- Oh, 3.9.
- Yeah.

That sounds about right.

Oh, well thanks very much for
the vote of confidence, here.

We're not the ones who voted 3.9, mate.

Well, you obviously agree with them.

Don't you? - Well, no.


If I'd been doing it, I'd give you

something in the high fours. - Hey.

Don't worry, Pete.

Looks don't matter.

It's the content of your
character that counts.

Don't kick him when he's down, Jake.

Ow, right in the privates.

And the shopping center is
not going to cheer him up.

Oh, hello.


I am glad to see you.

I picked up a photograph
of my late husband

wearing the jacket, just
in case I saw you again.

Oh, really?

You are every bit as
handsome as he was.

Thank you.

Not everyone would agree
with you, though.

You're like peas in a pod.

You can see why I was so confused.


Well, bumping into Josie has
certainly put a depressed cat

amongst the pigeons.

And let's see what a 3.9
has done to the table.

Yeah, here he goes.

He's taken quite the
tumble down past Jenson

Button and Steve Jones,
formerly of T4, of course.

Down through mid-table respectability

with the likes of Matt..

Oh, he's hurdling down here, Colin,

past Greg Wallace of "Master
Chef" and Bill Oddie.

Oh, dear.

Where is it going to stop, Terry?

Oh, he's at the all conference

now and he comes to a rest between

Alan Sugar and Adrian Chiles.

Well, how the mighty have fallen.

He soared too high like
Icarus, and that photo was

the sun that melted his wax.

Aye, aye.

He's got a right cob on.

You're not still sulking, Pete?

Now look, I think we could
all do with cheering up.

It's Rob's birthday tomorrow.

And I've bought tickets
to see "Mamma Mia!"

You're finally going to see it.


Well, I suppose if
everybody's coming...

I'd love to see a
professional production.

The girls at the biosphere
performed it for me a couple

times in just their underwear.

So this will be much better.

I've got two tickets for you, Pete.

Well, I don't want 'em.

Helene dumped me. Yeah?

I didn't mean Helene.

She means someone new.

Well, who am I going to
get with my 3.9 face?

Come on, mate.

There's a lot of other girls out there.

Obviously, none of them
is pretty as Helene.


I'm taller than all of you.

Hardly a repost worthy of Oscar Wilde.

Yeah, and you as well, Jake. OK?

Actually, what do you
think Oscar would have

said in that situation, Terry?

I think he'd have said
please don't tell anyone I'm

a homosexual.

Well, if Pete's going to
prove his friends wrong,

he's going to have to win Helene back.


It's going to have to be a big gesture

if he's going to manage that.

Well, she wants the children...
Obviously kind hearted.

If broached correctly,
might she take him back?

No excuses, all right?

Oh, hello.

I wonder if he's misjudged this.

What are you doing?

Just hear me out, Helene.

Hello, boys and girls.

What was he thinking, Terry?

I can't watch.

If you change your mind,
I'm the first in line.

Honey, I'm still free... all together

now... take a chance on me.

Oh, he's running out of steam.

He should be going up a gear. around.

If you got no place to go,
if you're feeling down.

If you're all alone when the
pretty birds have flown, honey,

I'm still free.

Take a chance on me.

Going to do my very best
and it ain't no lie.

If you put me to the
test, if you let e try.

Well, that's how Pete imagined it went.

Unfortunately, he fainted
through stress halfway

through the first verse.

He hit his head on the
desk as he goes down,

and then we're into Fantasy Land.

Back to your seats, everyone.

Are you all right, Pete?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm fine.

- That was quite a bash.
- No, it's OK.


Is he your boyfriend, miss?

He used to be.

Helene, see, I am capable
of being romantic.

I never said you weren't.

Oh, yeah.

That was someone else.


Helene, please give me another chance.

All right.

What are you doing tomorrow night?


Then how would you like to
see how "Mamma Mia!" ends?

I'd love to!


Oh, Pete stuck his tongue in.

That's not appropriate
in front of children.

Rob, Rob. Hello.

Hello, mate.

How are you?


Do you think you could
ask Anna if I could have

those "Mamma Mia!" tickets?

Oh, back with Helene then, are we?

Yeah. Couldn't stay away.

Could she? So will you ask her, mate?

There's no point.

She's got rid of them already. - What?

She didn't know you wanted them.

And you did say it was bollocks.

It is bollocks.

I know.

She only wants to see the second
half, which is second act here.

That's not very classy, is it,
sneaking in at the interval?

Mate, I've been charged
with indecent exposure,

I'm already staring into the abyss.

This second of acting
sounds risky to me.

Well, he's done it many times before.

He's seen the second
half some of the finest

shows in the West End, Colin.

So how's it work, Terry?

Well, the ushers are pretty
strict at the start.

But during the interval nobody checks

the tickets, because they're
all out the back smoking.

And there's nearly
always some free seats.

Surely not "Mamma Mia!"

That's a smash hit sell out.

Well, there's always some fellas

that walk out at halftime.

Oh, there it is.

Goodness me, where have you been?

Sorry, lad.

I got caught up writing this article

and then we got here at like, 8:00

and they wouldn't let us in.

So we've been in the pub when we

could have been clapping
onto "Dancing Queen"


Well, Rob is loving it.

He says it's his best birthday ever.

He's not the only one who's loving it.

But, I mean, it's so complicated.

I mean like, which one is the real dad?

It's like the "Usual
Suspects" or something.

So where we sitting, Pete?

There are the tickets...
an old travel card

and a receipt for a bag of crisps.

Let me see where we're sitting.

Oh, just... here we go.

Just here.

The performance will
resume in five minutes.

We must stop meeting like this.

What is it?


- Her husband was beheaded.
- Oh, my God.


A long time ago now.

I suppose.

Two months.

It might have been wiser
to open with a compliment

about her scarf.

- This is Helene.
- Hello.


I didn't know you were
an Abba fan, Josie.

Actually, it's all a bit last minute.

My friend got the seats.

She knows the pretty blonde girl,

and she gave them to her
at the charity shop.

Oh, dear.

Which charity shop?

Age UK.

Here is my friend, now.

This is Bridget. - Hi, Bridget.

Oh, it's unraveling.

How's he going to play this?

I think I've seen you
in the Age UK shop.


Well, that's where he
bought the jacket.

Well, he didn't buy it from us.

He needs to get the chat
off that jacket, pronto.

Bridget, was your
husband also beheaded?


He works for Network Rail.

Oh, well, he ought to
be beheaded, then.

I don't know why I said that.

I hardly ever go on trains.

I don't understand.

He must have bought
the jacket from you.

I left it in the shop doorway.

A lot of stuff does get
pinched from there.


I did buy it from you.

Do you remember?

Do you?

I think your friend
might be a little bit.

She is a Sudoku champion
in her age group.

In her age group.

My memory is perfect.

And the last time I saw you,
you were wearing that jacket

and giving us donation of one pound.

One pound for Brian's jacket?

You stole from a charity shop?

You just heard them say
I gave a donation.

Is everything all right over here?

Oh, quite sure. Yeah.

Fine, fine.

Can I just see everyone's
tickets, please?


Can't show her that travel card.

Or the crisps receipt.

Where are your tickets, sir?

I think I must have
dropped them in the bar.

We weren't in the bar, and you
were just looking at them.

- Are you second acting?
- Sorry.

What's second acting?

Is everything all right, here?

I am a police officer.



Just how many straws can
this camel's back take?

What's this, then?

53rd time for you?

He's second acting.

That's fraud.


Deliberately try to swindle
Benny and Bjorn out

of their rightful royalties.

They hardly need the money, do they?

They're two of the richest
men in the world.

- And that makes it OK, does it?
- Well, no.

But they didn't write this.

It was just cobbled
together by some woman.

Cobbled together?

Cobbled together?

Cobbled together?

By some woman?

You know, actually thinking about it,

it's actually very structurally sound.

He stole that jacket from Age UK.

Oh, OK.

There's obviously been a
little misunderstanding here.

So what I'm going to do...

I'm going to give you back the jacket.


Well, this now a humbling
and humiliating moment

for the lad from Woodford, and he's

going to struggle to hang onto
Helene without that jacket.


- I need you to leave.
- Yup.

You're coming down the station. - What?

But you'll miss the second half.

It'll be worth it.

Does your girlfriend know you got

arrested for indecent exposure?

And that's not going to help.

I was having a piss
up against some bins.

I think you should go
to the police station.

Oh, well, thanks very much
for the support, Helene.

You're a flasher, Pete?

Come on.

Well, it would take an
appearance from Abba

themselves to win her back now.

How much for the jacket?


And the best thing you can
do is just leave quietly.

By the way, "Mamma Mia!" is shit!

Oh, he can't.

And that's a taser!

Oh what a surprise.

And they can generate 50,000 volts.

Well, it's not the volts that kill you.

It's the amps.

Well, that couldn't have
gone worse for Pete.

And unless she turns that taser off,

it looks like he's going to
be there for the second half.

Well, join us again next time.

And once again, Pete takes on life.

Good night.