Pete Versus Life (2010–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - The Veteran - full transcript

Pete runs over a cat but claims that he found its corpse to get in with the cat's owner Mel,whom he helps bury it. When a guilty Pete talks in his sleep about killing and Mel hears him he pretends to be an army veteran,the scars on his leg from a drunken fall being caused by shrapnel. In fact Mel's brother Tom is an ex-soldier traumatised in Afghanistan and Pete is called upon to counsel him - which he does,claiming to be a hero and giving Tom a new lease of life. Unfortunately when Mel and Tom find out the true fate of the cat as well as Pete's other lies Tom regresses and threatens to jump off a building. This is Pete's chance to prove he is a hero but inevitably he fails and Jake saves the day.


And you join us with Pete on his way

back from the doctors where he's
just had some stitches taken

out of his leg. - Uh, yeah.

He'd lost his keys in the pub and tried

to climb through an upstairs window,

slipped and fell off the porch
into the glass recycling.

Yeah we hear a lot about
the benefits of recycling.

But not so much about the
other side of the coin...

Young man falling into
boxes of glass bottles

when they're drunk.

Here, here.


Oh, a loose cat.


And Pete's thinking about crisps.


Oh no!


I'm so sorry. It came out of nowhere.

- No, that's OK.
- Is that your cat?


I didn't see where he went.

I think he went past
me into the bushes.

He's gone to ground, probably.

Aw, I'm sure he's all right.

I only clipped him.

- Yeah, no, I'm sure.
- Monty.



- He might be over here.
- OK.

I'll have a... I'm Pete, by the way.

- I'm Mel.
- Hello there.



Oh look!

It's a Gonk!

Oh yeah. Is this

- Yours?
- No.

Do you mind if I have It?

No, go... fine.

But have you seen Monty?

Oh, sorry. No.


While they're rummaging
around for Monty,

let's take a look at Mel.

Interestingly, me she's
from a military background.

And her father once saved
Captain James Blunt's life.

Well I hope he got court
martialed for it.

He'll probably be back later.

Maybe he's a little bit cross with me

for hitting him with my car.

It's, um, Gary I'm worried about.

- Is Gary your boyfriend?
- No, no.

He's my dog. - Oh yeah?

All right.

Oh, there's something
wrong with Pete's car.

Well, it's the cat, isn't it Colin?

Yeah, I'd say that Moggy
is stuck to the wheel.

It's a good job Mel's out of eyesight.

No one wants to see that cat rolled out

like a black furry pizza base.

Aye, no nine lives for
that little fella.

Well in fairness, we
don't know how many

lives he'd already got through.

Oh, there's Gary.

He must have followed him. - Yeah.

And it looks like he's
got Pete's number.

Get out of it!

What a macabre task.

Pete's just noticed that
Monty's missing a leg.


Well he won't need is where he's going,

will he?

Which I believe is the canal.

Can you imagine?

Our own Jake, a hero.


There he is.


Everyone loves Jake.

All right, Jake?

Well, come on then.

Where is it?

Yes Jake's been at the Institute

of geographical studies where
he received this year's Captain

Oates Award for Arctic Bravery.

Yeah, that's right.

A big story at the time.

Jake survived 6 days on a
piece of ice no bigger

than badminton court, Colin. - Ha!

I don't think he had a game.

But for a short time, he did become

something of a national hero.

Do you know, I think the
reason your story has

struck such a chord with
the vegetarian community

in particular... the fact that to survive, you

had to kill and eat a penguin.

You know, there's almost nothing

harder for a vegetarian.

That fifth day... The day I did it...

Was dreadful.

Fifth day?

Didn't hold out very long, did you?

What do you mean?

I'm just saying, human beings
can go ages without food.


So if you had a little bit
more self-discipline,

that penguin might still be alive.

Well you weren't there, were you mate?

Yes, but I think I know
how I'd have behaved.


You'd have had that
penguin down your gullet

before the ice had broken off.

Yeah, but I'm not a vegetarian, am I?

If there had been something
there like tofu,

I'd have lasted much
longer than five days.

That's not really the same
sort of moral dilemma, is it?

It is if you're a carnivore.

Because tofu is bloody horrible.

So, what does penguin taste like, then?

I don't really want to talk about it.

- Of course.
- Does it taste like chicken?

- More like duck.
- Mm.

That sounds nice.

Come here.


Poor Jake.

Sorry guys.

Some people want to talk to
me about a... a book deal.

Book deal? Book deal?

What book deal?

Oh, she's just one of several
agents that are chasing him.

Bloody hell. It makes me sick.

He doesn't even have to try, does he?

I just wish that for once,
something really terrible

would happen to Jake.

Don't say that, Pete!

I really do.

Oh, hi.

Hello. How are you?

Uh, Monty's still AWOL.

Oh yeah.

I know.

I'm afraid I've got some bad news.

I was driving about a
mile away from here.

And, um, I found Monty.

Been hit by a car...

A different one.

Because it was about
a mile away, really.

Brought you back his body.

Oh. Thanks.

So you can get some closure, you know?

Ooh, nice touch.

I suppose I'd better bury him.

Would you mind digging
the grave while I

make the other arrangements.
- I'd love to!

Now Mel lowers the body of Monty

into the grave wrapped in an almost

clean Union Jack tea towel.

Far more appropriate than the black bin

bag Pete brought it over in.

Gary watching on in respectful silence.

Let's have a few facts about Gary.

Yeah, Gary's taking

Monty's death badly...
Unusual for a dog and a cat

to be such close friends.

But they found enough common ground

in their dislike of birds to
make the relationship work.

Oh, lovely.

Excuse me.

Who's that?

That's my brother Tom.

He's got one or two problems just now.



Um, do yo u think you
could say a few words.

Oh, he wasn't expecting that.


If only he could remember
that John Hannah poem

from Four Weddings.

Or has he got something?

You really were a top cat.

The indisputable leader of the gang.

You're the top.

You're the tip.

You're the championship.

You're the most tip
top, da, da, da, da.

Top cat.

Oh, that was lovely.

All right, then.

Do you mind?

Very good.



You didn't even know him.

You knew nothing about him.

He was a cat.

I mean, I felt like I knew him.

Oh god.

Is it... should we, uh...


You know... it's best we leave
him alone for the moment.


Are you OK?

I had to hold it together for him.


He wouldn't have wanted tears.

He'd have found it a
chore to deal with.

It's like you did actually know him.

Is it?

Do you fancy going out sometime?

Oh, I'm sure this is appropriate...
over Monty's

- grave.
- Oh, I don't know.

Cats are always up for it.


You are looking very handsome.


I read it in Cosmopolitan.

Men are always undermining one another

when we should be supporting
and complimenting each other.

You know some people find
curly hair attractive.

Do you want something?

I just wanted to see if you're OK.

You were very noisy last night.
- What do you mean?

I could hear from my room, man.

- Doing what?
- Talking in your sleep.


Well, shouting, actually.

About that cat.

About how you found it
stuck to your front wheel.

Gruesome stuff.

You feel guilty. - I don't feel guilty.

I've hardly even thought
about it since it happened.

You'd better tell her.

That stuff will eat you up, man.

Gnaw away at your soul till
there's nothing left of it.

OK, Manfred.

You have to stop going around
staying stuff like that.

This is London.

Eventually you will get beaten up.

All right?

Guilt will always get you in the end.

Nice buttocks.

Fuck off.

Oh, yes.

Vertical pajama stripes
can be very slimming.

How is it?

But they do nothing for
a guilty conscience.

You have the complexion
of a 17-year-old.

Thanks Manfred.

All right, mate?

Hello mate, you all right?

- Did you guys hear about Jake?
- No.

- He broke his leg.
- What?

Got knocked of his bike when he

was riding back from that do.

- Oh my god.
- What?

I said I wanted something
bad to happen to him.

And now it has. - Don't be stupid.

How could I have
anything to do with it?

It might have!

He's right.

It's that Gonk.

If that doesn't have special
powers, I don't know what has.

Sometimes it's like living
with someone from Norfolk.

The world is a stranger
place than you know.

Like, back in Zimbabwe,
we had this haunted car.

And sometimes in the
middle of the night,

you'd hear it start
itself up and drive off.

And always, the next morning, it
would be back with an extra 120

kilometers on the clock, which is

the exact distance of round trip
to the Widow McGinty's place.

I'll tell you, something supernatural

was going on there.

Wouldn't it be possible if,
say, your father was driving

over to see Widow McGinty?

My father?

Why would he go?

He was happily married.

And she was a good 20 years
younger than he was.

My father... I tell ya.

There are some mysterious
things out there.

Things we may never understand.


Like how you got a visa.

Well, Pete's got his call up papers.

He's off to see Mel.

But a bit of an epic journey...
and he's nodded off.


By the looks on those faces,
he's been talking in his sleep

again. - No, no, no.

I didn't mean to kill him!


Oh dear!

You all right?

Well, this was a date
well worth waiting for.

Dinner, fine wine, and
now, intercourse.

And Pete doing marvelously... normally

he'd be back in the showers by now.

But that dog's relentless gaze
is keeping him in the game.

Yeah, and no complaints from Mel.

Oh, that's top drawer.

And Mel... not quite as
buttoned up as she seemed.

Yeah, I'd imagine, in that respect,

very similar to Fiona Bruce.

Oh, the voice of experience, Terry?

Unfortunately not.

Clare Balding, however...

I thought she was a lesbian.

She is now.


Oh my goodness.

I don't believe it!

They've crossed the line together!

That is a dead heat.

Well that is quite remarkable.

Well, I'm just getting
some times in for that.

And... Yeah!

It's a record.

Pete's longest time yet.

So the disconcerting gaze of Gary,

- very much doing Pete a favor.
- Yeah.


Just a shame you can't always have

a grumpy Gary looking at you
when you're on the job, Colin.

Well, Pete doesn't want to risk being

caught talking in his sleep.

It looks like Gary's got
to turn in his guard dog

union card, Terry.

Pete wisely getting
dressed in the bathroom

to avoid waking Gary. Ow.

And there's the evidence of his
run-in with the recycling box.

Going somewhere?

Yeah, I was just going
to have a little wee.

Do you mind?

What's with the clothes?

I think it might get cold in there.

What are you doing up?

I never sleep.

I haven't slept for two years.

I suppose that gives you a chance

to do all your little
jobs and that, does it?

Not really.

I just sit in a chair
thinking about a brick wall,

trying to stop the memories.

OK. I'm going to, uh...

- Get back in and see Mellie?
- Yeah.

But you didn't go.

Yeah I did.

OK then.

I'll see you at breakfast.

- I don't eat breakfast.
- OK then.

See you at brunch.

Pete can't risk talking in his sleep.

His challenge now is to stay awake.

And to do that, he's
decided to think of sports

articles he could write.

And he's off.

And an eventful night for Pete.

Aye, He's still basking in the glory

that record breaking time.

Thank you.

For last night.

No, thank you.

Do you know you talk in your sleep?

Oh, is the cat out of the tea towel?



Quite loudly.

Well can you understand

anything I was saying?

Because it's probably nonsense.

No, it's quite clear, actually.

You know, stuff like...
Under the vehicle,

scraped him off the wheel, body
in bag, mustn't let it slip.


Can I ask you a question, Pete?


Were you in the forces?


Covert operations?


That was unexpected.


Oh, he's gone with it!

I was, yeah.

I was in the army in covert
operations in Afghanistan.

I wanted to tell you sooner,
but it is a big secret.

- I knew it.
- Yeah.

You got me.

Oh, have you got any milk?

That's great.

Someone who can talk to Tom.


He was in Afghanistan too.

That's... that's why
he's like how he is.

What, mad?

Well, post-traumatic stress syndrome.

Oh, yeah. Of course.

Of course.

So will you talk to him?

All right, uh...

Tomorrow, 1900 hours, OK?

Is that 7:00, yeah?

So Pete, off to visit Jake in hospital.

But he still can't shake the feeling

that somehow, he's responsible
for Jack's broken leg.

What do you think, Terry?


Well, I'm a very rational man, Colin.

But scientists don't know
everything, do they?

I mean no one's yet got a
satisfactory explanation

for fairies.

Yeah, I'm going to have
to stop you there, Terry.

Because Pete's going in.



Hello Jake.


I didn't expect to see you here.

You, I thought I'd just pop by.

See how you're doing.

Oh, thanks.

I bought you some little Maltesers.


Thanks, but I don't eat
anything with refined sugar.


Would you mind if I
take them back then?

How your leg?

Couldn't be better.

The fracture was in
just the right place.

And it's actually help
clear up an old ligament

injury left over from my
escapades with the penguins.

So, it looks like breaking my leg

was the best thing that
could happened to me.

I'm going to be better than before.

We, uh... got you a card.


And, um... we heard you
had some signed photos.

Help yourselves.

Pete, you could have one too.

Thanks very much.

Well, that was difficult for Pete.

But he's eased his guilt
by taking a signed photo.

And he still got the bag of Maltesers.

Oh yeah.

Hi Tom.

Hi mate.

How are you?

Uh, your sister thought it

might be a nice idea for
you to speak about some

of your war experiences with me.

No thanks.

Could be a long evening.

So Mel said you were in the forces.

Is that what those scars are all about?

- Which ones, mate?
- On your leg.

Oh yeah.

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.

Shrapnel. Afghanistan.


No, Afghanistan.


Sense of humor.

You need that after what
we've been through.

Like you?

Yeah, you like to keep
it light, don't you.

Maybe it would do me good to unload.

And here we go.

Part of my M.O. Was to look
after the regimental mascot.

A goat. - Right.

Called Dave.


I turned around to dice some
carrots for just a second...

Just while Tom's telling his story,

a couple of facts about him.

Didn't want to go into the army.

Felt pressured by his father
into applying to Sandhurst.

But ended up in the catering corps.

They say an army marches
on its stomach.


Makes you wonder why the
French are so shy of a fight.



We're back to Tom.

...and I came to this village.

That's where I found him.

They killed him.


Killed him and stuck
him in this big pot.

They were cooking him.

And the worst part is I was
so, so hungry, I ate some.

I ate a bit of Dave.

I just wish I could
have got there sooner.

I could have stopped it.

Or at least say something proper.

I'm sorry I ate you, Dave.

I'm so sorry.

Come on.

Civvy street, remember?

Come on, soldier. - Of course.


You know what?

Mel was right. That does feel good.


So what about you?

Hey? What do you mean?

What happened to you to
make you so fucked up?

Excuse me?

Come on, cough.

I'd love to, mate, but Official

Secrets Act and all that.

Oh, That's a good excuse, Terry.

Aye. Top improvising.

Fuck the Official Secrets Act.

Oh, but that's unlucky.

Fuck it.

That's for the suits, not us. - Yeah.

Fuck them. Fuck that.

Well? Let's have it.

What was your worst experience?

Well, he did once wet himself

in class when he was eight.

But that's not going
to cut much ice here.

All right, just ,, all right?

We needed to take out some
guns in mountains, yeah?

Like... And there was this local girl.

And she was acting as our guide.

She was quite fit.

And... But I made a bit of a mistake.

Because I fell in love with her.


Um, but then I found out
she was deceiving us.

And I had to kill her.

Oh my god.

This is The Guns of
Navarone, isn't it Terry?

Anyway, we had to take out the guns

before this big British convoy came by.

Except it was, um, lorries
and stuff, not ships.

But anyway, we managed, just
in time, to get on the ship.

Except it wasn't a ship.

It was a Chinook.



I still think about that Taliban girl.


What was this girl's name?

It was Duffy.

- Like the singer?
- Yeah.

I never thought that...

I never thought of that before.

Except I think it was
pronounced Doufwee.

So you had to abseil
out of a chopper right

into the heart of Mogadishu?

I wondered when he'd get
to Black Hawk Down.


During the evening he drawed
on many of the great war

films of the last 50 years.

And, of course, the child catcher scene

from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

Well, you just do what
you're told, don't you.

Anway, so long Tom.

Come here.

I love you, man.

Right back at you, big man.

Thanks again for speaking to Tom.

He's a changed man.

He slept 14 straight hours last night.


I haven't done that since Tuesday.

And he's got himself a job interview.


That's good.

You know, you could thank
me in the traditional way.

Oh no.

I've got to get back to Gary
before he suspects something.

Suspects something?

I mean, before he wonders where I am.

Oh, right. Yeah.


Jake Oakman.

The Arctic hero.

He ate a penguin.

I know.

But what a decision for a
veggie to have to make.

It must have been like Sophie's Choice.

Except with penguins
instead of children.


You're a hero too.

You're a brigadier in covert ops.

Yes, Pete's been adding a few
bits and bobs to the story.

And in his mind, this
is what he might look

like if he was an actual hero.

Well, what do you think?

You look like the president of Nigeria.

Ah, thanks brew.

Where'd you get that from, anyway?

I thought you were meant to be skint.

Well, I hope you don't mind.

But I borrowed your Gonk.

And I wished for a new outfit.

And lo and behold, I find this
in a bin liner in a skip.

Sounds like you've just been
poking around in skips.

Well, you can't let the
Gonk do all the work.

Not normally superstitious,

but I think Pete's wishing for a chance

to prove he's as big a hero as Jake.

I think he's

going to need a bigger Gonk.

So, Pete and Manfred picking up Jake...
and off to a pub

to celebrate his discharge.

That's not something

I'd want to celebrate, Colin.

Steady on, Terry.

No, but the pub they're off to...
it's a little one

Manfred knows that serves
Mugabe's, Zimbabwe's most

popular beer.

Well this isn't the pub, Terry.

It's just a quick
detour to pick up Mel.

Do you think you could, uh...

It's probably better if you
just stay in the car, yeah?

- Pete.
- Hiya.

Hi mate.

How was your first day at work?

Pretty great judging
by that lovely glow.

Hello. I'm Manfred.

It was great.

Really great.

I mean, I know it was
only photocopying.

But I could never have taken
that first step without you.

Thank you. - Oh, that's all right.

That's OK.

Did you manage to nick
that paper for me?

Oh yeah!

Under the t-shirt.


Oh, that's not good, Terry.

Gary, come away from there.

No, I think he's found something.


Sadly for Pete, Gary's hero is Lassie.

Looks like a cat's leg.

I think it's Monty's.

Oh no. My god.

It must have been from
when I clipped him.

Poor Monty.

But you said you found
his body a mile away.

Yeah. That's right, yeah.

Well, how could he have got a mile

away if he was missing a leg?



We've all seen those animals with three

legs in those little trolleys.

How could he have got
himself a little trolley

if he'd just lost his leg?


And where was his little trolley

when you found him later?

Look, we're all getting too caught

up with the trolley idea.

It was just a suggestion of
what might have happened.

There was no other car, was there?

You killed him.

And you brought the body
back just to see my sister.

OK, Tom.

You're off into fantasy land now.

Now, tell me Tom.

Are those highlights?

Because they would cost
a fortune in a salon.

He's still a long way from
being right, I'm afraid.

Shut up.

It's true, isn't it?

You lied to me.

I can't believe a twice decorated

brigadier would do that.

I only did it to save your feelings.

And remember, it did give
you closure, didn't it.

- I suppose.
- Yeah.

Oh, howzat Tom.

What are you doing up there, broo?

- Oh.
- Tom!


Oh no.

It looks like Tom's fragile
mind has finally snapped.

Stay there.

Oh my word.

Pete, you've got to talk him down.


Come on now, Tom.

Come away from there.

You were my hero, Pete.

But you're just a fraud.

And to think I spilled my
guts out to you about David.

Who's David?

His goat.

And all the time you were sitting there

knowing that you killed Monty.

You're a liar and a coward.

Easy now Tom.

I'm still your senior
officer, remember.

How do I don't know you didn't
lie about all that as well?

Don't be ridiculous, Tom.


Go out there and talk to him.

It's a bit high, isn't it?

Don't mess about, Pete.


You know, the thing is, I
fell off this porch recently

and I've belt a bit funny about
heights since then, so...

But you've done much more
dangerous things than this...

Like the time you jumped
into that moving cable car.

I mean, it sounded like something

out of Where Eagles Dare.


Oh my god.


You were never in the Army, were you?

Ha... why...

How could you just stand there
and lie straight to my face?

It Was really hard.

I'm going to do it. Goodbye Mel.

No! Pete!

Do something! This is it.

Cometh the hour, cometh the man.

I really don't want to.

I'm sorry.


I'll do it.

Jake Oakman.

Tom, my name's Jake.

Now what's this all about?

He's had some really
bad war experiences.

And he ate the regimental mascot...

Which was a goat.
- No one wants to hear from you.



I killed and ate a penguin.

- What?
- Yeah.

That's right.

So I know what you're going through.

I felt I was the only one.

Well, you are not, sir.

There are hundreds of us out there.

Like me.

I killed your cat.

These men did what they did to survive.

Well, that's just it.

I didn't.

When I got back to the barracks,
I found two tins of corned beef

in my backpack.

Oh shit.

Fucking hell.

You have to put that out of your mind.

That's in the past now. - That's awful.

You've got to stop beating
yourself up about it, man.

David died because of my mistake.


I'm going to jump.



Ah! That's it.

Lay him on the ground. That's it.

Get him on the ground. - It's OK, Tom.

You saved my brother's life...

And with a broken leg.

Well done Jake.

If only I hadn't fallen
off that bloody porch...

You know, if I was a man,
I'd knock your block off.

What are you having a go at me for?

He ate David, when he had two perfectly

good tins of corned beef.

That is enough, Pete.

Don't know why you're being so
smug with that penguin still

going through your duodenum.

Well, Gary finally articulating

his views as best he can.

He's pissed on my bag.

Your dog's pissed on my bag.

And hopefully that stolen paper will

still go through the printer.

That's it.

He searched for the
hero inside himself.

But all he could find

was a rucksack full of dog wee.

Thank you, Terry.

Join us again soon when, once
again, Pete takes on life.