Pete Versus Life (2010–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - The Tennis Player - full transcript

Welcome, and a bit unusual to see Pete

out for a drink with his dad.

Oh, yeah.

Things have been bad for Pete
in the sports writing world.

His dad's arranged for him to meet

an old BT contact with a
view to getting a job call.

Oh, dear.

Look at that suit.

It's almost as if, subconsciously, he

doesn't want the job.

Aye.



Looks like he's been in a drive.

Why you call it a resume for?

What's wrong with using
the English word, a CV?

Curriculum vitae?

Yeah.

Anyway, what's this six months
volunteer work in Africa about?

Well I live with an African bloke, so.

Oh, she's here.

Frank.

You haven't changed a bit.

You must have a painting in the attic.

No, just a cold water tank.

Oh, this is Peter, my son. - Oh, yes.

Very handsome.



Thank you.

But then he would be, wouldn't he?

Mm-hm.

Yes, Rebecca not afraid to use
her sexuality to get what

she wants in the boardroom.

Yeah, if Alan can do it,
why not the ladies?

And the meeting well underway,
let's see what they're up to.

Your father and I used to
have such fun in here.

Yeah and the rest of the team.

Crazy times, the 80s.

We used to get in here
Friday early doors, and then

the next thing you know
it's 2:00 in the morning

and we're all off our tits
on Bleu Non and Cointreau.

But that's BT engineers.

We worked hard, but we played hard too.

Especially this one.

Yeah.

Well whatever happened to Bleu Non?

Oh, you can still get it, Frank.

Any time you like.

Anyway, what about Pete.

Do you have any vacancies
at the moment?

Well, as a matter of fact, yes, we do.

We have quite a high turnover of staff.

Some people just can't
cope with the pressure.

So what is it?

Fixing phones or?

Oh, no, no.

Rebecca is no longer with BT.

She runs a chicken packing
factory in Lampton.

I've got a 22 in social science.

A 22?

And in social science?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, but he's very strong.

He can lift anything.

Well, as it's Frank's son,
then I'll make an exception.

And we have a great social life.

We work hard, but we play hard too.

Once we've showered, because there's

quite a lot of splatter.

So what do you say, Pete?

All right, uh, I'll do it.

But just as long as you
know, first and foremost,

I am a sports writer, OK?

Of course, we'll start you
off on giblet scooping.

I didn't necessarily want
to go into accountancy,

but my parents and Anna thought
it would fit my skill set.

And, and so did I. And
really, how many people

do actually like their jobs?

Well, I think you've
landed on your feet.

Hey, I've got the holidays coming up.

Any chance you can get me in?

Will you be driving him?

Yes.

I'll see what I can do.

Hi guys!

Hi, Bunny.

How was work?

Really good.

Really, really good.

Great.

Everyone, this is Lottie.

Pardon.

We were at school together.

We were both prefects.

Although, I think I was
the senior prefect.

I just bumped into Lottie shopping.

My dad bought me this ring to
celebrate the third anniversary

of me turning professional.

- Wow.
- Lottie's a tennis player.

That's nice.

She's the seventh best in Britain.

I used to be number six.

Yes, Lottie Beaumont ranked
seventh in Britain, which

makes her 8,945th in the world.

I'll get the coffees.

- And the donuts.
- Sure.

You should talk to Pete.

He's a sports writer.

Well, not at the moment.

Things are a bit slow,
so I'm actually working

in a chicken packing factory.

Oh no.

But you must follow your
dream like me in tennis.

Well it's not really that easy
if you haven't got a rich dad.

Having a rich dad had
nothing to do with it.

In fact, it made it harder.

All those people saying I had it easy

just because my dad was
chairman of the British

Lawn Tennis Association.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry, I can see how that
would make life difficult.

I lost count of the amount of
coaches that told me straight

to my face that I have no
talent and the wrong attitude

just because my dad's rich.

But I fought and I made it.

So are you playing Eastbourne?

I had a wild card, but
I had to pull out.

You injured?

I'm going skiing.

But really, you must stick
to your dream like I have.

Well you certainly inspired me.

She certainly has.

Lottie Beaumont sums up everything that

is wrong with British tennis.

Strong stuff, but this
could get him back

in the sports writing game.

Oh look at that.

Talentless, deluded, donut eating.

He's not pulling his punches.

What's the worst reviewer
you've ever had, Terry?

Uh, well it's probably
after a game at Arsenal.

Sue Barwell once called me
clumsy with very low work rate.

She wasn't near the
football then, was she?

No, it was after I slept with her.

Ah.

And off it goes the Jed Simmons
at the News of the Globe.

The only national newspaper
sports editor ever

to buy an article off Pete.

The beaks enclosure channel this way,

the guts, intestines, and other
offal are channeled that way.

Why are they separate?

Don't they all go to
the same pie factory?

I hope that was a joke, Peter.

It was, yeah.

Um, how many chickens
can you do in an hour?

That is a good question, Manfred.

Thank you.

At full capacity, this machine
can handle over 1,000.

Peter, do you have a question?

Uh, yes.

What time is the tea break?

This can't be right.

Pete, can you check this for me?

I'm watching the tele.

I think I've found an
inefficiency in the way

they debeak the chickens.

What are you doing?

It's bad enough that we
even have to work there.

But it was great.

The way we had dominion
over thousands of chickens,

it was like we were their god.

Did you not feel that sense of power?

The only thing I felt was
bored and a bit disgusted.

Well I've never got such a
rush from anything in my life.

Have you ever been to Legoland?

No.

That's why then.

Are those cakes free? - No.

- Oh.
- Hello.

Uh.

- I've been looking for you.
- Why?

What have you heard? - Nothing.

Oh.

I wanted to pass on this technique

that I think could really help
you with your sports writing.

- All right.
- Visualization.

Yeah?

You picture yourself
beating your opponent

or selling an article and
then it just sort of happens.

Well that sounds pretty
straightforward.

I used it when Sharapova
beat me 6-love 6-1.

Didn't world then.

I got a game with her.

Yeah taking a game with our top

10 player, a bit of a
result for Lottie.

Yeah, best result there
was when she took

two gibs off Kim Clijsters.

Although, Kim had broken a wrist
and was playing left handed.

Oh, that looks nice.

Make that two.

Should a professional
tennis player really be

having full English breakfast?

Well I have to have a certain amount

of complex carbohydrates.

And it doesn't really matter
if I get that from three

avocados or a full English.

- All right.
- And a fried slice.

Oh, that's the spirit.

When you're on the tour, you never

really get a chance to build
any meaningful relationships.

You know, it's just onto
the next tournament

and the next city.

I thought you were never on the tour.

I'm in Nottingham a lot.

It's just, I never get a
chance to meet many men.

Um, are you seeing
anyone at the moment?

No, nope, no not at all.

Do you fancy going out sometime?

Love to.

Do you want to go for drink tonight?

- I'm in training at the moment.
- Oh, fair enough.

So I'll only be able to drink vodka.

Hang on, looks like trouble.

You going to eat that?

Oh, Jed's running that article.

Oh, dear.

That is very tricky.

So I'll see you later.

What?

OK, magic. See you there.

He's got a date in the diary with her,

but he's ripped her to shreds.

One of those has gotta give.

Oh, I dunno, Colin.

Treat them mean, keep them king.

Well, Pete and Manfred

enjoying a well earned cup of tea

after a hard morning spatchcocking

chemically enhanced chickens.

Would you like something from
the complementary chicken

buffet?

Are you insane?

Don't you remember we were
doing to those chickens

10 minutes ago?

Why do you think no one
else is touching it?

Maybe I'll have some later, aye?

Hello, gents.

- We're on a break.
- I know.

Manfred, I wanted to tell you, I
looked at your efficiency ideas

re the debeaking.

And I liked them.

I like them a lot. - Wow.

Thanks, Rebecca.

This kind of positive reinforcement

is very important to me.

No, it's more than that.

As you know, I'm looking
for a new supervisor.

And you two are now my longest
serving staff members.

We've only been here since Monday.

It's between you two.

Is there any more money involved?

- No.
- Right.

Manfred, I'm sorry to say that you

have the extra responsibility
of being the new supervisor.

Oh, great!

Here's your paper cap.

Do I wear over the hair net?

Instead of.

Good luck, Manfred.

Make me proud.

I will.

I will go through your chickens
like a combine harvester.

Oh, looks like you owe me a fiver.

They're not all lesbians.

Well, this their first date.

They've been snogging
for a good 10 minutes

and some patting is
beginning to emerge.

Yeah, that's right.

If we look on the hot spot camera,

we can see there's been a lot
of leg touching, bit of hand

up the back of the shirt, and
a foray up to the chest area.

This now the closest Pete has ever

got to having sexual relations
with a professional sports

woman.

Yup, yeah the previous closest was

a fumble in a field pronto with
a county standard darts player.

But sooner or later, he's going

to have to tell about that piece
he's written that slags off

every aspect of her character.

Oh, he's going to do it now.

What is it?

I've had, uh, an article accepted

to one of the tabloids.

Oh, that's brilliant.

I told you it would
happen if you visualized.

Mm, yeah.

The thing is, it's on, uh, a bit

of a delicate subject matter.

That's doubley clever then.

Goodness me, she's not making it easy.

What's the article about?

Football, football?

Oh dear, oh dear.

It's like his backbone
is made of Curly Whirly.

Although his old feller
is like a balls ball

has just come out of the freezer.

But the longer he leaves doing
something about that article,

the worse it's going to get.

Hello is that Jed?

Pete Griffiths.

It's been too fucking long.

You know that article that I wrote?

The thing is...
- Beautiful bit of work.

And the way you tied it
all into Lottie Beaumont,

gave her a right sig too.

She'll have to move out
of the fucking country

when this comes out.

Um, about that, yeah.

One of my staff writers is
going off on maternity leave.

I wanted to sack her, but apparently

that's not legal enough.

Fancy covering it? - Hm?

Normally, I'd have used one
of my regular freelancers,

but they're all in prison.
I don't know.

Anyway, up for it? - Yeah.

Oh, Terry, he changed
sides there quicker

than a Libyan civil servant.

Aye.

And on that farm, he had some chick...

Have you got a chicken in there?

Shh.

What's going on?

I've had an epiphany.

What we are doing here is wrong.

We are killing chickens in
almost a factory like way.

What do you mean almost?

Well I'm going to do
something about it.

I can't get them all out, I know that.

But I can help some escape.

Well where are you going to
put them when their out?

This North London, Manfred,
what are you gonna do?

Retrain them as graphic designers?

No, I just thought I'd leave
them on the golf course, aye?

Hello, gents.

Peter, I believe you wanted to
talk to me about something?

Yeah.

Yeah, I would.

I would like to tender my resignation.

Might I ask why?

Yes, you can.

It's a disgusting working
environment, the work itself is

sickening, the money is shit,
and I've just been offered

a job at a national newspaper.

It must've been a tough decision.

Eh.

Yes, Pete burning his bridges, there.

Much like I did when I left the BBC.

And when Lottie suggested
clubbing it to celebrate Pete's

new job, he didn't think
he'd end up in London's

premier gay club, Box Junction.

I like to come to a gay
club at least once a week.

Normal clubs can be so hasslely.

So how many times you go clubbing then?

Never more than five.

- Jed?
- Pete.

I'm not gay.

Eh?

Nothing.

Fuck me, you're...

Lottie Beaumont, who's my girlfriend.

This is Jed, he's my new boss.
- Nice to meet you.

Here you go, Lottie.

Thanks, is it a double?

Listen, mate, I haven't told
her about the article yet.

Just... - Oh, no, no no.

Nice one. I like it.

I thought you just hacked her phone,

but not afraid to shit
on your own doorstep.

It's tasty.

Yeah.

Um, but, uh, you're not gonna
mention anything tonight

are you? Cause it's...

No, no.

And you'll keep shtoom
about the whole, um...

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Not that there's anything
to keep shtoom about.

Oh, no of course, yeah.

- So who fancies another one?
- Uh, yeah.

Or how about a bit of the old,..

No, thank you.

Oh, of course, pro-athlete
and all that.

- No, I'm on ecstasy.
- Fair do us right.

I'm off to the box, fancy coming, Pete?

For some Charlie, not gay sex.

Oh, uh, I think I'm
all right, actually.

Thank you, thanks though.

You're on ecstasy?

Aren't you supposed to be playing

Venus Williams in the morning?

I can easily beat her.

Are you sure?

She is quite good, she
has won Wimbledon.

Now for a few years.

Pete, if I believe I'm
going to win, I will win.

Even after you've done a pill?

Yes.

Anyway, it sharpens the brain synapses.

Where'd you get that from?

I read it somewhere.

Or overheard it on a train.

Oh, right.

- Anyway, do you want one?
- Oh, I dunno.

Go on, it's just a bit of fun.

Yeah, all right, then.

Careful, careful.

Well, just while we're waiting for them

to come up, as I believe the phrase is,

I'd like to bring in Bez.

Formerly of the Happy
Mondays and winner

of Celebrity Big Brother.

Welcome Bez.

Hello, Dave.

So, Bez, you've done your
fair share of class-a drugs.

Can you explain to us the
effects of ecstasy using

this graphic of your own head?

Yeah, no probs.

Basically, best part, you're
releasing serotonin which

makes you all happy and dancer.

Right, but there is a
downside, isn't there?

Yeah you can get nits.

No, no, no.

I mean, there's a mental effect.

Yeah, you go real mental.

It's brilliant.

Fascinating stuff.

And remember, kids.

If you're watching,
really don't take drugs.

So how are you doing now?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Definitely first time, yeah,
definitely first time

I'm coming up.
- I'll get you some water.

What, where you going? Where you going?

Where you going? Where you going?

Yes, Pete not happy
about being left alone.

Feelings of fear and paranoia
are beginning to build up

as the drugs take hold.

Hello, Pete.

Rob and I have been talking and we

think now that you're working, it's

high time you got a pension.

Hey, what, what?

There are products out there.

Well Pete's mellow being
well and truly hashed.

Oh, that's right, Colin.

If we take over this pie
chart illustrating what Pete

normally likes to do on drugs.

Usual suspects are, uh, lying
in a meadow, talking to pets,

but, uh, discussing his pension,
noticeable by its absence.

What would the Flaming
Lips have come up

with if they'd had Anna to talk to when

they were writing "Yoshimi
Battles the Pink Robots"?

Doesn't bear thinking about, Colin.

No indeed.

And it's an incredibly tax
efficient way to save.

Isn't it Rob? - Yup, yup.

See?

Um, Anna, if you don't mind.

I'm actually on drugs.

Of course.

Hey, you haven't got
anymore have you, mate?

- Rob!
- Coming.

Five minutes later,
and look at Pete now.

Don't know about his dancing, though.

He looks like an insane
bear that's being,

I don't know, taunted once
too often by a cruel gypsy.

Spot on, Colin.

Spot on.

Morning.

Oh, I was trying not to wake you.

Were you just like that?

I'm going riding this morning.

Aren't you supposed to be playing

Venus Williams this morning?

Oh god, yes.

I must be on my way.

Are you going to be all right to play?

I mean, you've had like eight
vodka red bulls as well.

Oh that's nothing.

I'm going to win, Pete.

There is no plan B. Better dash.

Right-o.

Well, Pete right to look pensive.

The date that article comes out
is getting closer by the day.

Forgot my rackets.

What do you mean you want
to pull the article?

It's fucking gold.
- She's my girlfriend.

I know.

It's the job.

We all have to betray someone.

A mate, a girlfriend, or in
my case, my little daughter.

Wow.

I haven't actually
signed my contract yet,

so technically you can publish it.

You what?

You sign that right fucking now.

Really don't want to.

You fucking wat.

You come in here with
your tight little bum

telling me how to do my job.

I'll kill you.

I'll kill your whole family.

Who wouldn't need to relieve themselves

after a tirade like that?

Pete.

Uh oh.

You didn't hear any
sobbing just now did you?

No.

Good.

Because I wasn't crying.

OK.

Listen, I have calmed
down a bit in fair play

about that article.

To tell you the truth, I was
going to pull it anyway.

Editor didn't like it.

Oh, brilliant.

Wh, wh, why didn't he like it?

Hey, what are you up to Saturday night?

Nothing.

I've got tickets for
this big sports benefit.

Oh.

Be a lot of big names,
good people to know.

Fancy it? - Yeah.

Well I've got six tickets, so
you can have the other five.

Don't you want to bring anyone?

I haven't got anyone.

My relationships never seem to last.

What have I done with
my fucking Charlie?

Fuck!

Oh, bloody hell.

Oh, morning Pete.

No wonder you got that promotion.

What we have has got
nothing to do with that.

Manfred got that promotion
or merit alone.

And the fact that he's good
at his job turns me on.

This is even more disgusting
than the chicken factory.

A chicken factory would
make chickens, Peter.

We're destroying them.

What.

Come on, Pete, don't be like that.

What about you?

I thought you had an epiphany?

I have.

I'm getting dozens out.

But then she grabbed my buttocks
in the staff kitchenette.

She's amazing, man.

The things she can do with her hands.

Must be all those years
strangling chickens, eh?

Tea, Peter?

No, thank you.

- Oh, right dad.
- You never returned my drill.

You've had it six months.

Did you ever put those shelves up?

I was going to do it this weekend.

Hello, Frank.

You haven't.

What?

No!

Rebecca, what's going on?

Why?

Jealous?

Oh, how's it, Frank?

Rebecca, this is Frank.

Yes, I know.

We go way back.

We made love three times last night.

We did everything.

Nothing was taboo.

She made me dress up
as Bernard Matthews.

Oh, yeah.

And you didn't need to be asked twice.

Something to think about
when you're wondering what

might have been.

Now, listen here Rebecca.

I love Noreen.

When are you going to understand?

I am not interested in you.

I never have been and I never will be.

Wow, dad.

That was, uh, I dunno, I'll
go and get your drill.

So the night of Jed's sports benefit.

And I see Pete's brought Lottie.

But a bit of a surprise
that two of the tickets

also went to his mom and dad.

Now that's quite mature,
isn't it Terry?

Not really, he's using
it as an opportunity

rub his dad's nose in it.

And to show how well he's doing.

Well, that's what these big
charity events are for.

So I didn't take a single
point off Williams.

It was the shortest match in
the history of women's tennis.

But it's a good base to build from.

Well it's a launching pad, isn't it?

Mm.

Oh now, there they are.

Oh, Pete.

Oh, at last.

Mom and dad, this is my Lottie.

Uh, hello.

I'm Frank and this is my wife, Rebecca.

I mean, Noreen.

Well, isn't this lovely.

I've never had real champagne before.

Yes, you have, mom.

No, he always gets cava.

Uh, it's pronounced "ca-va".

And I think a lot of the
sparkling Spanish wines

are more than match for your
so-called French champagnes.

I believe it was Picasso's
favorite tipple.

Picasso was mad.

He was a genius.

How many have you had?

Oh, that's my friend, Miriam.

I've never managed to
get a set off her,

though she is an Olympic gold medalist.

I didn't know we'd ever won
Olympic gold in tennis.

Oh, we didn't.

She's a tobogganist.

There he is, my new star signing.

How the fuck are you?

Good.

Is it really necessary to swear?

Mom, uh, he's my new editor.

And anyway, there's nothing
wrong with swearing.

Shit, piss, wank... - Peter!

I'm sorry.

Wow, this is great, man.

Thanks for those tickets.

Oh, what'd you bring her for?

I couldn't stop myself.

She's got this weird sexual
power over me with...

Oh, don't show me.

Hello, Frank.

Rebecca.

- Your name's Rebecca?
- Yes.

And you must be Noreen.

Uh, that's right.

Mm.

The stay at home wife who
doesn't work hard or play hard.

I bet you don't even know
what a Tom Collin's is.

Well I know John Thomas is and
I'm looking at one right now.

Oh, well played Noreen.

Who'd have thought she'd have access

to that kind of language?

Rebecca, I don't think
you've met Jed, have you?

Jed is my sports editor.

So you're the man who's
been poaching my staff.

You wat.

Uh, Jed, I understand
you are a gay man.

What did you say?

You know, a homosexual.

You what?

Me?

Gay?

I'm not gay.

Where did you get that from?

Well, from...

Rebecca, you know that
machine that separates all

the different bits of chicken?
How does that work again?

Oh, I see.

So you've been putting about
that I'm gay, have you?

Having a good laugh with your mates?

Drawing pictures of me in the sex act?

What?

Making up limericks about me?

It sounds like you're having fun.

Lottie Beaumont.

Well, are you going to tell her?

Or shall I?

Lottie, he's on cocaine.

Don't listen to a word he says.

We're all on cocaine.

The point is, your boyfriend
wrote an article slagging you

off just so he wouldn't have to work

in a grubby, shitty,
little chicken factory.

I don't think 8,000
square feet is little.

He called you a rich,
lumbering, talentless loser.

That is so blatantly untrue.

Why would I want to
write something that?

- Yes, good point.
- Read it.

Oh dear.

It's all unraveling due to the
wonders of modern technology.

If only she got through her opponents

like she gets through
a plate of donuts.

I knew you wanted that last donut.

You did write this.

And he only wanted it pulled when

he started knocking you off.

That is wrong.

I had serious doubts when I
had my hand up your jumper.

Yes, well, I should thank you really.

Because you've made me even more
certain that one day I will win

Wimbledon.

Mm.

Lottie.

Jed, probably best if we just
draw a line on all of this.

No, mate.

You're sacked.

What, you, you can't sack me.

I haven't even started yet.

Well, perhaps you should have
signed your fucking contract!

Me?

Gay?

Rebecca, um, how are you
fixed for giblet scoopers?

Because I've still got my hair net.

I don't think so.

You've been replaced by a younger man.

And so have you.

So, a catastrophic ending for Pete.

No job, no girl, and his
mom knows he swears.

I was very proud of you there, Noreen.

Yes, well we'll talk about
that when we get home.

Oh, looks like Frank's
in a spot of bother

as well.

Yes, indeed.

And it turns out he was
drawing pictures of Jed

in the sex act.

Oh, there you go.

Oh, dear.

Well, join us again next time.

And once again, Pete takes on a life.

Good night.

You know he talks, ,

you're twisting our mellow man.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.